hadriel_logs | Event Log: Regret This

Entry tags:

Event Log: Regret This

Who: Everyone!
What: The Regret This event
Where: Throughout the city
When: June 25th-July 3rd
Warnings: Sorrow is resurrected, and everyone is immediately full of regrets

Hope has finally managed another god resurrection, and the people have spoken! On June 25th, he musters his powers and brings Sorrow back to Hadriel. An orchard appears across the river, in the until now ruined part of the city, and Sorrow's temple is also restored. Hooray! One more god to make things a little more livable in this place.

Of course, it's not that easy. It never is. Along with Sorrow himself comes a wave of regret and guilt that blankets the city. All those affected will be inclined to not only be sad, but to linger over past regrets and things they feel guilty about. They can distract themselves with everyday tasks or whatever else they please, but they'll find that their thoughts drift back to these regrets regardless of what they do.

And of course, the best way to purge a guilty conscience is confession, right? On top of these persistent sad thoughts, people will feel the urge to tell others about them, to air their past mistakes or misdeeds and possibly receive some kind of forgiveness. So what if your neighbor doesn't care that you cheated on your final exams all through school? You have to tell someone, and they're right there. If it doesn't make you feel better, that probably means you haven't confessed to enough people yet, or maybe you just haven't found the right person. Better try again!

On July 3rd, Sorrow has settled in and this urge to confess your sins will die down, along with the constant regret. Let's hope you didn't confess anything too personal. Remember, you're gonna have to see some of these people every day.

► This log covers June 25th-July 3rd.
► Feel free to make your own logs as well!
► Please tag headers of threads with content warnings where they apply
► Please put your character's name and open/closed in the subject line of your starters!
► If you somehow manage to end up regretfully dead, please remember to hit up our death post!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Night - Orchard

[ He can't sleep. That is nothing new, since Gansey has spent literal years being unable to sleep. Anxiety has been keeping him awake for a very long time.

The thing is, he'd been getting better. In recent weeks, he'd been forced to face many of the fears that had haunted him for so long, and in facing them, they lost some of their poignancy. It hadn't meant that he'd been okay, or that the hole he feels inside him had suddenly vanished. But it had felt better, especially because of Blue. Being with her, and being open about being with her, had chased much of that feeling from his everyday life. He'd been able to sleep after he talked to her. Things had not been perfect, but they had been improving. Slowly.

Now, all that progress feels undone. His head is full of things he hasn't thought about in a long time; how things had started off poorly with Blue when he first met her, how he'd kept secrets from Adam and Ronan, how he'd dragged every one of his friends into a quest that had put them, and everyone they loved, in more danger than any of them had imagined.

How Noah had died for him, and there would never be a way to fix that, even though his own death had atoned for it.

He can't sleep.

He goes out, and finds himself drawn towards the orchard, the new trees. This copse of almost-forest is so far away from Cabeswater that it almost makes him feel worse. It's also the closest he can get, and so he finds himself wandering in it, picking strangely unfamiliar fruit in the dark. He touches the leaves, and they don't turn to fish at his intent, and he whispers 'Salve', and nothing answers.

There's an ache inside him that won't go away, and he thinks that it's because of the trees. The real Cabeswater is gone, now. When he concentrates, Gansey can feel the threads of it inside him, can feel time slipping around him. But he puts his hand on the orchard's trees, and he knows they're not his trees, and the grief comes so much harder. To stay here makes his chest ache, but it's all that he can do. It's like visiting a grave, giving himself a physical place where those emotions wash over him.

The problem is, these feelings are so familiar to Gansey that he doesn't even realise they're provoked by something outside of him. Sorrow has always been with him. So he picks fruit, and he doesn't sleep, and he lets that ache grow where no one can see it and no one will judge. ]

Day - City Streets, Library

[ It's not any better when light comes. With a messenger bag full of fruit slung over his shoulder, Gansey heads back to the city. His heart still feels heavy. There's the urge to talk about it, which is the first part of this that's strange to him; ordinarily, this feeling comes with the very opposite for him. Because of that, the urge is against his instinct, and so it's natural to him to fight it. He doesn't seek out company.

Instead, he tries to distract himself. All night, he'd let himself dwell on this. No more. He goes into the city instead, and scavenges in the stores. He's not after food, because he already has the fruit, but he chases clothes instead, and pens, and paper, and detritus that he doesn't really need because he's only lifting them for something to do.

When there's nothing else to be gained from that, he goes to the Library instead, and thumbs through books he can't read because it's all that he can do. He adds more symbols to the list he's compiling. He spreads out his city map on the table, and adds the new orchard to it.

And when that still doesn't work, he goes to Hope's temple, where he'd spent so much time hiding out of late. Gansey has never been a religious person. But if there has ever been a time when he wants to feel Hope, it's now. Help me, he thinks, and he tries to make his thoughts go to a better place. In the end, he leaves a few pieces of fruit on the altar, and heads for home. ]

Edited 2016-06-26 12:13 (UTC)

( gansey isn't alone, neither in lack of sleep nor the things that plague his conscious mind, though the thoughts that are slipping through sam's own like eels underwater are not quite the same, they bring the same sort of ache to the middle of his chest, the inability to stamp down that which has been following him for years, all the little things that he's convinced himself to forget about in the interim –

until they all come flooding back to him, unbidden, the memories and the had-beens and have-nots and should-have-beens. the mistakes he's made and more than atoned for with the rights committed to take away the wrongs, and though guilt seems to attach itself to a winchester like a tick to a warm body, this has been something else altogether different. something more.

coming to the new orchard in the small hours of the night might have seemed like a strange idea to anyone else – or, it should have been, but when he happens on the familiar form of gansey in the distance, no matter the darkness surrounding them, he thinks that maybe he shouldn't be surprised to find the other here. that they had thought to come to, or somehow been summoned by the trees themselves, and he has a vague feeling of deja vu that makes him think of the dream he'd found himself in with adam, the trees and their whispers.

he shakes it off, and approaches gansey slowly, hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, like it's the most natural thing in the world to find oneself amid trees in the dark. ) Hey. ( he calls out quietly, just in case he hadn't seen or heard him coming, so as not to startle him. )

Can't sleep either?

[ If Sam’s not surprised to see Gansey, Gansey is surprised to see Sam. Trees can draw all kinds of people in the middle of the night, he supposes. Maybe Sam just wanted somewhere peaceful to relax. Nothing really feels peaceful to Gansey at the moment, although in fairness, he doesn’t know how much of that might be in his own head. He takes a breath. ]

I tend to have trouble sleeping. Insomnia comes with the territory. I thought I’d try and tire myself out.

[ Which feels like the kind of thing he should say, though it’s not really the kind of thing that feels true. Sometimes, when he can’t sleep, Gansey goes driving, or goes swimming, to give form to the nervous energy inside him. Tonight it’s not really about that. He doesn’t feel energized, so much as…troubled. That’s the best word for it. He knocks his knuckles against one of the trees. ]

Suffice it to say, it’s not actually working. Did you have the same idea?

[He finds Gansey in the library. Finds is maybe not the most accurate term - the truth is that Adam goes looking for Gansey, and the library is near the top of the list of places he might be.

There's a plethora of reasons that Adam would go looking for Gansey. The primary one, of course, is to be sure he's safe. Adam does notice when his friends don't sleep, he notices when they go wandering, even if he doesn't follow them. In his experience, everyone needs space and time to themselves sometimes, and he doesn't want to infringe on that. But at the same time, he can't really be calm without knowing that they're all right.

Gansey has been gone too long, and so Adam goes looking. He's carrying his own weight of guilt and regret, things he wants to say and things he knows he shouldn't. But most of all, he just needs to be sure Gansey is all right.

Some minor weight is lifted from him once he finds Gansey. It's only then that he realizes he could have used his phone - Adam went so long without one he often forgets it. But it's better to see Gansey in person anyway, he thinks.]

Hey. How's the map coming?

[ Gansey looks up. The smile he pulls out for Adam is tainted with melancholy, for the main reason that he doesn’t have the same level of concealment for his friends than he does for others. In truth, seeing Adam actually makes that melancholy worse, which is not a thing he wants to think about right now. Regardless of it, he holds out his fist for his friend to bump. ]

Hey.

Not terribly. I added the forest.

[ He taps his pen against a collection of fluffy-looking line drawings which look vaguely like apple trees. ]

I went there last night. Trees are very interesting, nothing like what you’d see on Earth.

[ He feels like he’s stalling. He’s not really sure why, since it’s not like he has anything in particular to say to Adam. Perhaps it’s just that he feels like he should. ]

I have some of the fruit if you want to try it.

[He knocks his knuckles against Gansey's and pulls over a chair, peering at the map. He'd like to at least pretend that they can have a normal conversation, like whatever's going on won't affect them, but he knows that probably isn't true.]

It looks good. I went there once already, to see what it was like.

[Adam already spends a decent amount of time in the park, but this new place, this orchard - it's something else. He's found that though the trees are nothing like Cabeswater, it's still strangely comforting to be among them. More so than many places in this alien city, anyway.

He's been too wary to try any of the fruit, though.]

Did you eat it already?

[He sounds a little doubtful. Anything could have happened, Gansey, come on.]

[ Gansey has the good grace to look a little guilty - or maybe it's Sorrow's influence, pushing him to it. He lifts the bag to pick out something that looks kind of like a cross between a dragon fruit and a watermelon, and he sets it on the table. ]

I tried one of those. They're all right. Juicy, sort of sweet.

[ A pause. ]

Sorry. I did talk to Sorrow, and he assures me they're safe. Anyway, I'm feeling no ill effects.

[ He leans back in his seat, dropping the bag back to the floor and tapping the top of his pencil against the map. ]

Were you looking for the books, or for me?

At least you didn't get sick.

[He picks up the fruit, looking it over. Adam really doesn't know all that much about plants - Cabeswater is something else entirely - but he's trying to learn what he can about these plants. Their continued health might depend on it, after all.

He sets it down, though, and doesn't quite look at Gansey.]

You. You haven't been around much.

[That's just the beginning of it, of course - there are a list of reasons Adam went looking for him, a list of things Adam thinks he should apologize for. He knows it's the effect of Sorrow's arrival, it has to be. But even knowing that, he can't resist it.

Guilt has always been a part of Adam's life, and self-blame as well. He's gotten better, away from his parents, he's found himself more able to not blame himself for all the things he does wrong, but it's always there, just waiting.]

[ Gansey looks down at those words. They're not wholly unexpected; he knows he hasn't been around. He's been avoiding everyone since this terrible low feeling began, and he knows it. He knows it's particularly unfair after he'd just died. He knows that none of his friends really want to be apart right now. Gansey doesn't either.

But when he's around them, all he can think about are all the things he's gotten wrong over the last few years. He knows that it's false. He knows that the new God is making him feel this way, the way Rage once made him feel like he hated a faerie he'd never even met. The way Blue had once hated him, for no good reason.

But her hatred had felt real then, and his guilt feels real now. His guilt is real now; it just seems to have been triggered from nowhere. He turns a page of his journal, though he's no longer really reading it. ]

I know. I know it's not fair, and I'm sorry, Adam. Christ, you have no idea how sorry. I just haven't been very good company of late.

[ He looks up, clearly unhappy. ]

I didn't mean to worry you. That wasn't the idea at all, believe me.

[He didn't come looking for an apology. Far from it. So he doesn't quite know what to say, and he shrugs a little, brushing it aside. Uncomfortable.]

None of us are good company right now. I know you didn't do it on purpose.

[Adam's been forcing himself to be alone, too, for all that he desperately wants to lean on his friends, to apologize to them and confess everything he's ever done to hurt them and how awful it makes him feel. But even with the compulsion to do that, Adam is not good at making himself vulnerable. He's afraid of what the response would be, even though he knows that whatever it would be, he deserves it.]

I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I haven't always - been able to look out for you the way I should have.

[Mostly it's been Gansey looking out for Ronan, and trying to look out for Adam, who always fiercely resisted it. He doesn't regret resisting it, not the action itself, but the way he went about it - that deserves an apology. More than an apology.]

I haven't been a great friend to you.

[ He hadn't done it on purpose. Gansey had never purposely hurt any of his friends, but he'd added up hurting them far too often regardless of that. He winces at Adam's answer, at how easily forgiveness is given even though he'd clearly made him worry. It had been irresponsible after what happened at home, and foolish, too. It's not as if the city is entirely safe.

There's at least one corner of his mind that recognises he's not really responding rationally to all of this, and he's feeling far more dramatically guilty about something than he should. Particularly when there's so much else he should really be apologizing to Adam about, Jesus...

His head snaps up when Adam starts talking instead, and for a moment he's entirely confused. It shows on his face. This isn't the way this conversation is supposed to go. These are words that Gansey is supposed to say, not the other way around. He holds up his hands. ]

What? No! Of course you have, that's...

Adam, it's me who's been in the wrong. You know it is, we spent so much time fighting when I ought to have just listened to you. I was trying so hard to help you, and couldn't see that I did the very opposite. Please don't apologize to me. You're the one who's put up with me all this time.

[ Wanting to help Adam had been a good thing and a right thing, Gansey still believes that. But he had gone about it all wrong, throwing his weight and privilege around and making Adam feel worse than he ever had. That's what's unforgivable. The very thing that Gansey had wanted to stop mattering had been the one thing he couldn't help reminding Adam about. ]

Gansey | OTA (spoilers for The Raven King in the 'Night' section)

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In the Streets

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