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hadriel_logs2017-03-02 02:36 pm
skelebro) wrote in hadriel_logs2017-03-02 02:36 pm
Entry tags:
do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive [mostly closed]
Who: Asgore, Asriel, Chara, Frisk, Sans, and Shadow; plus potential guests, later
What: Two plans get executed simulataneously
Where: The orchard, the Kid House, and eventually the Silent Hill zone
When: March 1st - 9th
Warnings: Discussions of and implications of suicide. Likely more to follow.
[ * besides. ]
[ * chances are... ]
[ * ... ]
[ * so what can i say? ]
[ * what can i say that will change the mind of a being like you? ]
What: Two plans get executed simulataneously
Where: The orchard, the Kid House, and eventually the Silent Hill zone
When: March 1st - 9th
Warnings: Discussions of and implications of suicide. Likely more to follow.
[ * besides. ]
[ * chances are... ]
[ * i've already tried to steer you in the right direction. ]
[ * what can i say that will change the mind of a being like you? ]
ASRIEL and CHARA
That's the advice Chara gave, the whole time he was anonymously pouring his heart out to them. He'd known as soon as they talked about coming from people who treated them badly, because surely not every human on the surface is a Flowey, surely it has to be incredibly rare that people do that to other people, surely that kind of suffering can't be commonplace.
You should talk to them.
What can he say that they don't already know...? He's just going to waste their time with this. They're so busy with other problems, more important problems. Their own problems. He should wait until they feel better before he dumps this onto them. It's not fair to hit them when they're already down. Right now he needs to be supportive, understanding. Let them have space. If he talks to them now, it'll make everything worse. They won't like him anymore if all he does is make things worse. Always ruining their plans, always tattling, always ending up in the way. No wonder they...
He stands at the entrance to Tranquility's temple, back up against the doors, feeling like he's not allowed to be in here. What right does he have to take up their space, to take up their time, when he couldn't even find them when they needed him?]
Um... Chara.
[His voice is positively tiny, feels too small to be heard in such a big room, but it simultaneously feels like too much noise nonetheless.]
Are you... um, if you feel like it - only if you feel like it - would... maybe some fresh air would be nice? I, uh, I thought you might want a break from all these people, or...
[Like he's the expert on what they want. Like he can just boss them around. This was a stupid idea.]
Um, never mind. You probably don't want to be separated from Frisk. I'll... I can wait at home, if you want. I could have supper ready! You must be hungry, and I didn't even think to bring you any snacks, so...
no subject
It wasn't just the fight that Frisk and them had gone through or the conversations with others that followed. They've been tired for a long, long time. But it's not time for them to sleep apparently. Either of them.
When you set your affairs in order and bury your things in a grave, you tend to forget about what is left behind. Imagine a world where you didn't exist but something - or someone - remembered you. And given what they know now....that person would be Asriel. Without question, it would be Asriel.
Not out of Determination, but out of love.
They stare at him for a moment. Under the guise of anonymity Chara had told him to speak his mind to them. And it had become clear how difficult that was for him. It shouldn't be a surprise. Asking if he trusted them, never doubt them.]
No. Don't...
["Don't go."
Chara tries not to bite their lip and instead stands. They know Frisk will be safe here. Knows that monsters don't come in here or Chara has decided to randomly leave them for no good reason (ahhaha).
This is something they need to do. Chara told Asriel to come to them and talk. So they needed to follow their own advice.]
No, you are right Asriel. I could use some fresh air. Feel free to lead the way.
no subject
So he just leads them outside. They probably shouldn't go far - everyone's worried, and it wouldn't be fair to Frisk to just abscond with their best friend, ha ha. Boy, that sure would be the worst thING EVER WOULDN'T THAT HA HA HA HA.
Maybe... maybe they'll just circle around the block. Chara will probably appreciate having something to do while they talk. An excuse to not have to make eye contact, an excuse to move around that isn't nervous fidgeting. This... it might be a hard talk. He's scared to even start talking at all, to be honest.
Maybe... no, definitely. He should definitely start by apologizing. They deserve that much. It'd be selfish to pile all these mean things onto their shoulders if he can't even admit the parts that are all his fault.]
I... I have to start off by apologizing. I'm sorry, Chara. I'm so sorry. I should have known that you were unhappy. I should have noticed that something was going on sooner. I shouldn't have waited so long. I should've... are you mad that I tattled to grown-ups? It's okay if you're mad.
I know I'm always doing this. Always stopping you from doing what you want... I know I hold you back a lot. And... and I'm sorry that I couldn't find you. I should have been able to find you, out of all people. I should have known. I should have been able to fix this.
I let you down. I know I did. I don't blame you for not telling me about your plan. I haven't been very trustworthy at all, have I?
no subject
Chara listens to the words that Asriel has to says. Really listens. They've been doing nothing but actions that make Asriel apologize. They hated sorry because there were some out there that think it's a magical fix-all for what they did and then they turn around and make him have to say it.
But sometimes you needed to say sorry. Because they feel guilty about this and you cannot escape the consequences of trying to leave your best friend behind. Chara knew what it was like to have the consequences of your own actions be brought down on someone else, so they won't do that either. Never again. Flowey was not brought about by throwing Asriel under the bus, but Chara could have never suggested to cross the road first.]
I need to apologize as well, Asriel. I have been unhappy for a long, long time. That is not your fault. And I do not blame you for telling others. If the roles were reversed and you vanished...I would have torn Hadriel apart.
[It wouldn't have just been if Asriel had decided to vanish for good. If he had left unwillingly, by someone else's hands then it will get ugly fast. Asriel, his family and Frisk fell under the umbrella of protection that Chara had, even if it was made out of both kind of love.
It didn't matter what either of their doubles said. Chara will always love him.]
....this is something that you cannot fix Asriel. And I am sorry. I did not....the fall...
[Not meant to survive. Didn't want to. But they did. And at the very least they could offer him this. Because they had been angry at so many people for not asking why but never giving them an opportunity. So.]
If there is anything you wish to ask or tell me, please do so. I will listen and answer you. I trust you, Asriel, and it is time I acted on that.
no subject
[Because they must have some kind of selfless and kind reason for doing this. They must. Maybe they just can't believe this. Can't believe that Asriel would... would know what it's like. Would follow in their footsteps. Would erase himself from existence. Maybe saying so will be another straw that might break the camel's back, might prove that he's ruined, he's not the innocent pure thing they used to love. Maybe it's better if he just stays quiet about that.]
I won't demand that I'm... I don't know, that you let me win at... Chara? That I have to fix wanting to... climb a mountain for an unhappy reason, and fix it perfectly. I... I'm not sure I can do that, no matter how much I want to. But why...
[Don't accuse. Don't be mean. This is his fault, not theirs. He's the one making his dumb crybaby feelings into a problem.]
Can't I have a chance to at least... try to support you? If you're scared, then I'd rather be scared with you than just... just letting you suffer. You... I know you keep saying that you care about me, but it's...
[I'd never doubt you. I'd never doubt you. Never.]
You can't just say that, then... then never tell me anything, and spend all your time with Frisk and never invite me along, and dump your locket into the mud like it's garbage! You can't - you can't keep leaving me whenever you're bored of me and expecting I'm going to put myself on pause until it's convenient again!
[He hiccups, furrows his sleeve against his face, presses into his fur. Crybaby. Chara's going to laugh at him. He's crying over nothing. Big kids don't cry.]
I'm not - I'm not a toy you can dump on the floor and pick up whenever you feel like playing! You wouldn't even notice if I vanished, Chara! I don't know anything that's worrying you or that's happened to you or why you don't like Sans anymore, I just have to smile and nod whenever you guys tell me to do something! I'd rather... I'd rather you just be honest and say that you hate me! At least then I could just go away and get it over with!
no subject
It's something they wished they had up on the Surface. Just being able to talk. To be able to express dissatisfaction, sorrow. Anger, more than likely because Asriel is right. Chara has been shutting him out. Has been saying things like they love him regardless of everything he's gone through and become, only to turn around and disappear. Didn't explain why Sans was no longer allowed in the apartment, why they buried the Locket in the mud, never gave him a chance to actually support them in a way that just wasn't fetching buttercups.
Never gave Asriel a chance. Not one. Just like
Ahahha. This was about Chara but not at the same time. So they take their time to answer. Just think before speaking.]
...I do not hate you Asriel. You have no reason to believe me, but I do not.
[Chara stops walking and faces Asriel, looks him in the eyes. Fidget with their hands as they try to think of exactly what they want to say.]
I thought it would be the best if I disappeared for good. If I could make sure that I could not be brought back, me and Frisk could rest for good. And there are some things there I believe would be easier to understand if we both explained it to you. But that can come later. We need to talk about each other.
[Chara had shut Asriel out. Drawn a line in the sand and never explained the rules or reasoning behind it. And while he had learned that Chara did not like being touched, Chara had to be the one to explain why.]
You are not a toy and I am wrong for treating you as such. But I do not want you to vanish. I do not want you to hurt yourself like that. I am not a good person and you should not follow my footsteps Asriel.
[They did not have to be there to hear those words he spoke over their grave. Chara always thought that. Beat him to the punch.]
So...if you hate me for what I have done, you are in the right. If you do not wish to be friends with me then I will no longer be with you. If...if you wish to keep the Locket...I will not stop you. I deserve nothing less for how I have treated you.
I am sorry, Asriel. But it is your right to no longer be friends with me.
no subject
[Keep the locket, Asriel. This is about you not wanting to be my friend, Asriel. Is that... is that really what they think he wants? Is that really all they can hear when he talks?
It's because he's doubting them, isn't it. He's not agreeing with what they want to do, so he must not want to be their friend. No, Asriel, they won't say out loud that they don't want to put up with you anymore. They'll make it sound like it was YOUR idea, like you made this happen because you had to be so needy, so demanding. Because you didn't like this.
He grabs his ears. He bites his lip. He stomps his paw against the ground. He cries his gross, stupid, ugly crybaby tears.]
You told me you were there the whole time. You must have seen. You must have heard. The only reason worth living... the only thing that made me want to keep from giving up... the whole entire reason I was fighting so hard to keep Frisk - to keep you around - it was you, Chara. It was because I didn't want to lose you again.
And now... and now I have you again, and I...
[He'd always thought they'd be friends forever. That they'd meet again someday, and he could have back what he lost. Life would have meaning again. They'd be inseparable. Chara would want to play with him. Chara would want to trust him. Chara would love him. Chara would understand how it felt to call out for help and have nobody come. Chara would understand how much it ached to lose your soulmate. Chara would never abandon him ever again.
He'd never... he'd always been so sure that it would be so happy if he could see Chara again. That everything would be okay. He'd never imagined a future where Chara... where he could pour his heart out about missing them, about longing for their attention, about being afraid that speaking up would make them think he didn't like them anymore and being his friend wasn't worth it... that he could say all that, and all they had to say was "you must hate me" and "you don't want to be my friend."]
Why are you making me be the one who has to say it? It's not what I want. Have... did you even hear me at all, Chara?
[Why can't they just say "you're right, I don't want to keep being your friend?" Why does he have to act like it's his idea, not theirs? Why does he have to pretend he's the one picking up their body? Why - why are they always making him do things he doesn't want to do?!]
How can you think - how can you think I'd ever be able to live if you disappeared again? How can you leave me behind again?! It wasn't - you didn't - it wasn't like you didn't want to take your friends with you. Frisk was good enough to take with you. Why didn't I matter? Why don't I matter?
[He's being too loud - they hate loud noises. He's crying too loud, crying too much. Asking too many questions. They'll hate him even more. He's not supposed to question them. He's not supposed to doubt. He doubted, and now they think he doesn't want to be friends!
He bites his lip harder, scrubs his sleeves over his eyes. Be quieter. Don't be such a crybaby. Big kids don't cry.]
Chara, when I woke up as a flower... sometimes I thought... you wouldn't like me anymore. Because I didn't do what you wanted. Because I wrecked the plan, and you got hurt. Sometimes I even thought...
...
Sometimes... I thought maybe you had just... used me.
I hated myself when I thought that, Chara. You suffered so much to free everyone. You trusted me. You loved us all so much.
But now, you... this is... I try to ask you for something, and you tell me I don't want to be friends with you. I'm... you just forget about me, because I guess... I'm not useful anymore, am I? I'm not the one who's useful enough to take along with you anymore. My feelings don't matter anymore. You don't... you don't even want your locket back.
What am I supposed to think, Chara...? Is this... is this because I'm doubting you?
no subject
[Chara wants to say exactly what they're thinking but can't find the words that follows their thoughts. Ironically it had been so much easier on the Surface because the answer was always nothing. Don't say anything. Don't--
All they do is wrap their arms around themselves. They're trying not to cry but it won't hold up for long.]
I am with Frisk, yes but I don't know what path you are from. I didn't know you were Flowey until your double told me. All I had where those photographs and I obtained them here. I don't know how to help you!
[Calm down, calm down. Don't yell. Yelling doesn't help. But they're getting far to worked up.]
What I did you did not deserve the consequences. Between the two of us, it should have been me. I should have been the one who suffered them. I should have been Flowey.
[You are not above the consequences, yet compared to Asriel Chara more or less got of scot-free. They died but Asriel suffered a fate worse then death. He became a creature unable to feel until Chara walked down the path of genocide and put the fear back into him. And that toxic, shambling mess of a human was going to-
Was going to kill him.]
It's...I didn't take Frisk just because they're my friend. I have to tell you with them, but I didn't want to call you because I wanted you to live. And if this worked then you all would have forgotten me. I wouldn't hurt you because I loved you!
[They saw the flower broken on a pile of dust when Asriel died due to their double. They knew what he had become. And the blame landed squarely with Chara alone.
A bad friend. Someone who hurts others because of their love.]
I want the locket back. I want you back. But I don't want to hurt you because I'm at your side. It's never because of you, Asriel, but me. So I don't know what to do!
no subject
Not in a world without you.
[Asriel doesn't even realize he's parroting his own words. Doesn't know about the timeline where he talks about playing with them in New Home's halls, about finishing what the started all those years ago. About how just living on the surface with them wouldn't be so bad.
Maybe it's not unfair. Chara didn't recognize him. Didn't pay attention to the significance he placed on Mom and Dad, didn't think about who played games in those gray halls with them. Didn't think of anyone in particular who might call the two of them inseparable.
Ha ha. That wouldn't be surprising. Didn't turn out to be so inseparable after all, did they?]
I don't... I don't know how many other ways I can say it, Chara. I don't care about freeing monsters or turning everyone in these worthless memories to dust. I'm tired of everything. All I've ever been saying is that I want to be with you. That's all I wanted.
[He sobs, a loud and messy, shuddering noise. Desperate and heaving and embarrassing.]
You... I told you that, and I asked you to promise. You PROMISED! You already knew you wanted to leave me behind again. You... you just lied to me.
I told you how to help, and you threw it away as soon as I told you.
You already know what would help me. It just... wasn't important. Even if you take my memories, I'll still be empty and I'll still be alone. I'll still never get to be with you again. And that... that's more important to you, isn't it?
[He's being too Flowey. Doubting them. Not stuffing his stupid spoiled crybaby problems out of sight so he can put their problems first, like he should.
Well, that's... that's fine! If Asriel isn't good enough for them anymore, what's the point of pretending to be Asriel? Let them see how empty and useless and awful he is now. Let them have an excuse to stay away, if that's what they want to do.
He shoves a paw into his pocket. Pulls their locket out. He'd been so careful to clean it, to get every last trace of mud out from the hinges. What a waste of time, huh? If they cared about it getting dirty, they wouldn't have thrown it out.
He doesn't stop there. He pulls his own locket off. Balls them both in his fist, holds it toward Chara.]
...I get it. I understand. It doesn't matter if I don't like this plan, huh?
But I can't... I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much to keep losing you every time I start hoping again.
Maybe you can share these with a friend who you want to remember you. Mine is... it isn't the real one, it's just dust and magic, but if you'd rather bury it, too, that means it'll stay gone.
cw for suicidal ideation
[Why are you being...so nice to me?
It's not like Chara has never repeated dialog before. Strung together bits of old dialog because they were too numb to say anything when Sans---
When Sans died. Killed by his double. Ahahaha!
They tighten their grip around themselves and squeeze their eyes shut. Chara's sure they're crying too. So much for keeping a level head all the time! They really were as awful as Asriel's double said they were. Making this all about themselves.]
There are other people here Asriel. There are other people here that can give you love and I would not be around to poison it. You should not have found a injured child you-
[They cut themselves off because the answer of what Asriel should have found is obvious and Asriel pulling out both Lockets. Chara lets the words sink in and there's a delayed reaction.]
No.
[Words. Use your words Chara. Still, they pause before slowly holding a hand out.]
...only mine. I don't...not yours. Not in the soil. Not in a grave.
[Because that's what it was, in the end. A grave. Chara was used to sleeping in the soil. But not Asriel. They won't bury him.]
no subject
[He curls his fist tighter around the two identical chains. Not if they're only going to decide one of them's fate. Not if they're going to divide them. He's not going to let go if it means one gets left behind while the other goes away.]
I've hurt you, too. I made you suffer, I made you go through the worst death a person could go through. I made you die a second time at the hands of people you were scared of, you knew, you hated. I made all your pain be for nothing. You trusted me, and I pulled control away from you without even giving you a chance to talk it over.
But you still... you still say you like me. You still say you don't want me to die. Why can't I feel the same way about you? If you hurt me, I forgive you. I just - I just want to be part of your life. I just want to be able to help you feel safe and happy.
I don't want this. And I want the fact I don't want this to mean something to you, even if it's selfish.
[He keeps rubbing his eyes with his sleeve, messing the fur up, making the wet clinging points of fuzz stick up in weird directions. It doesn't seem to do any good. How do people just - just stop crying? He can't shut this mess off, no matter how hard he tries. He must be so gross to look at, with his runny snout and his red eyes and his damp fur.
Maybe that's why Chara won't look at him.
(He knows that isn't why, but he thinks they'd feel better if he pretended not to know the reason.) Big kids don't cry, right?]
You can't have it both ways, Chara. You can't just... you can't decide what's best for me without hearing what I want. That's not fair.
no subject
Back up on the Surface Chara fought to hear those words and then never wished to hear it again. Could not tolerate what that love made them into. Could not tolerate what it was turning them into.
But at the same time, if Asriel didn't doubt Chara, Chara in turn couldn't doubt his love. It's not a matter of it being pure or whatever. It wasn't that complicated either. Asriel love Chara, loved them in his world and never wanted them out of it.
Best Friends Forever. It's all so simple. Chara was just making it more complicated then it needed it to be, needed to see a motivation behind these things. A reason. There were none.
They're crying openly now and draw their hand back to scrub at their face. Take a deep breath, slowly. Once, twice. Something Toriel may have encouraged Chara to try if they needed to take a moment and calm down. The tears likely won't stop but they needed a second or two to think.
He's right. They can't have it both way and it's not fair. Their plan had been selfish and spurred on by the cruel words of somebody else. Handed the matches and allowed to go burn things to the ground. And like a little child they ran away when the matchbox was taken away from them.
When it comes to FIGHTS they don't have to stand there and take it. Chara was sick of it. But this wasn't a FIGHT. This was two Best Friends talking and Chara was about to ruin it. They self-sabotaged like it was an Olympic sport but they had to draw a line.
And that stops when you hurt someone you love deeply. It ends with you.]
And I have hurt you, Asriel. I do not mean to one-up you...but it is true. I tore you and your family apart with my plan. I should have listened to you when you said you didn't like where it was going. You had every right to not like it.
[You're never above the consequences. But they don't want to make it seem like their pain matter more. This was just laying their sins out in equal measures. Both Chara and Asriel had hurt each other.]
....it is not. How I feel about you Asriel is very difficult for me to put into words. There is a...trick, that may help but we need to speak with Frisk. Until then...I love you Asriel. And I am so, so sorry for what I have put you through.
[Chara hesitates for a moment before reaching for Asriel's hands. Not to take the Lockets. Just to hold them. That's all.]
You are right, I cannot have it both ways. And I am sorry I have not been listening to you. So please...tell me everything. I will listen to you this time.