hadriel_logs | If I Could Step Outside Myself

Entry tags:

If I Could Step Outside Myself

Who: Seel and Cal
What: Cal's been avoiding the house (and the people in it) for a while. That needs to stop so Seel yells for a bit
Where: The Speakeasy
When: 18 October
Warnings: Language and arguing, maybe some hitting. Possible talk of sex, will update as needed.

Cal had been chain smoking for hours, if the debris on the table in front of him said anything. That was a habit he wasn't going to get rid of easily. And it seemed to help, sometimes. When the problem wasn't so monumentally fucked up as this one was. He hadn't even done anything this time and his life had gotten itself even more complicated. Why it was he couldn't just have a simple--if not easy--life? His drink was barely touched, and that was the whole reason he'd come in here. Well. One of them. Hiding was the other one.

He still wasn't sure what to make of the situation, and he'd been avoiding making things worse for weeks--avoiding the house as much as possible, anyway. He left in the morning before Pell woke up and came back after he'd gone to bed to sleep alone in what was supposed to be their room. Weeks. By himself. He sure as hell was going to ask Seel, either. At least he didn't have to worry about dying with Hope so very concerned with keeping everyone and everyhar alive. Even if it hurt.

So there he sat, in a dark corner, building up a haze of smoke and brooding. Pell had said he wanted him at home, but did he really? He certainly didn't seem that way, and Cal couldn't even blame him. What else was he supposed to do? Until Pell was ready for him all he could do was give him the space he needed, even if he hadn't asked for it.

It was what was best for him, wasn't it? And he was supposed to be responsible now.

he glared and crushed another cigarette before draining his entire glass, barely feeling the alcohol burn on the way down and lit another cigarette. Was it even possible to smoke himself to death anymore? He was certainly doing his best to get there. Maybe he'd even get to find out.

Fuck.

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Honest to god Cal(he could laugh at the irony of such sacrilegious thoughts later), sometimes Seel thought he was still thirteen, shimmying out an open window and down a pole to score some booze, smokes or just for the thrill of it. He certainly knew how to avoid people when he didn't want to be found. He wanted to believe that Calanthe had grown up. Matured. Become the wise Tigron. But for the har he saw before him, well, Seel was sure that was all bullshit. Maybe part of him had. But that for sure wasn't the part of him that was chain smoking at a table, having barely said two words to Seel or his self declared soulmate for weeks now.

And now he wanted a damn cigarette. Seel ordered a drink, maybe if he closed his eyes he could pretend it was sheh, and slid into a seat opposite the other har.

"So is this where you've been going all day? I see where Tyson gets it from."

"No." Not that Seel would believe it. It wasn't every day, just when it got the hardest to deal with. Of course that's when Seel would track him down, though. Because like he'd already learned, his life was never simple. Why Seel only ever seemed to find him at his lowest was something he didn't even want to consider. Some omen, some tie, whatever it was, it wasn't exactly the sort of thing he needed in his life. He;d had enough of fate to last the rest of however long his harish life was. And Seel? If he even so much as mentioned that they always seemed to be drawn back together, Seel would lose his mind.

So he glared at Seel this time, inhaling smoke and blowing it out again before he spoke again. He didn't offer Seel a cigarette. He didn't want him staying, but he doubted he'd have much of a choice.

"What do you want, Seel?"

And here Seel might have thanked you for not tempting him. But he was staying, not that Cal had much choice in the matter. Nor rather did Seel. Pell was acting like a spoiled child (what a surprise) and Cal was running (also not exactly a shock). And there was Seel. Thrust into the position of peacemaker. Diplomat. Be grateful he didn't throw the drink in your face or curse at you. At least at the moment. He was going to be polite. Mostly.

"Swift. Azriel to have a coherent thought. Aleeme to have full use of his limbs. Oh, you mean here? Well I'd like you and Pell to stop acting like harlings but I don't think I'm going to get what I want. Why are you avoiding Pellaz?"

Seel sat the drink in front of him and stared at it as Cal blew smoke out, before glancing back up at Cal. Maybe soon, Cal would snap back into the role of Tigron and good little Seel would slink back into his proper place, but at the moment, what you see was what you got.

Edited (spelling) 2017-10-19 02:13 (UTC)

What goddamn right... He almost started yelling about that too, but he tightened his grip on the cigarette instead and took another smoke-filled breath. Then another. How was it Seel always managed to make him angry? But then again, that was doubtless what Seel felt about him too.

"He doesn't want me there. He says he does, but I'm sure you know already that actions say far more than words do. It's far easier for him if he doesn't see me. At least he can pretend I'm still the child he wants me to be." Another sacrifice he'd made to keep Pell safe and as happy as he could manage, even if it hadn't been much since he'd come to that damn city. Complicated lives made other lives complicated and nohar appreciated that.

"Is that what you wanted to hear? Now he can have his peace. He can know that I'm here and believe that I'm still the har he wants. If he'd rather sleep in someone else's bed, fine. I know how to vanish. I did it for 30 years."

Edited 2017-10-19 02:27 (UTC)

That was the biggest pile of bullshit Seel had ever heard. How was it that Cal and Pell ever functioned as Tigron in the first place? He knew how Pellaz was with his moments of righteous self pity. And here was Cal, doing the exact same thing. No wonder they deserved each other.

"Maybe you don't know this, but a relationship works better when both parties communicate. You can't do that if you both avoid each other. Pell's a baby, Cal. He doesn't have the experience that you and I have and one of you is going to have to be the adult and take the first step. Get to know each other again. Isn't that what you had to do with Pell back home? How is this any different? At least with this Pell you don't have to brave that stare of his."

"And what do you want me to do, Seel? Corner him? Terrify him into submission? Yell until he does what I want? I'm not you." And he wouldn't be if he had a say in it. He probably didn't because he never really had, but that was something he would damn well fight over. He was not going to turn into Seel if he had to die to do it.

And how was he supposed to say that he didn't even know where to begin with getting to know Pell again, even if they had been back home? They'd had so little time together before Cal had left again (entirely against his will) and then Pell had stopped trusting him again. And mired himself in a whole new problem.

"Do you know what he said to me when he saw me again? 'You're not mine, are you?' What the fuck am I supposed to feel about that? Ecstatic? And then he says he's sleeping with Jo for a while. Am I supposed to drag him back? When he's made up his mind he can find me. Until then, I'm giving him what he wants. None of me."

Edited 2017-10-19 02:50 (UTC)

"I was actually thinking a nice private dinner for two, but cornering him works just as well." Seel replied, glaring at the other har. Dammit Cal. That was low. Seel had thought he'd changed since Flick. He hadn't. Swift just knew how to work him and control the other end of the leash. His voice got low, and he tried to control himself, not to give into the har Cal thought he was. Even if the Tigron was right.

"Don't think you know me, Cal." He tossed back the drink that he had set in front of himself and ordered another, listening to the other tirade. " You're supposed to care. He's still Pell. How can you look at that face and not try? I'm not saying drag him kicking and screaming, I'm saying chat. Share with him what you've been through. He's as scared as you are and he's sleeping in the same room with a human woman and using her like a baby blanket. You have to show him that you're still you. Just don't kill anyone in the process."

"Since when do I not know you?" Since when was Seel any different than he had ever been, even if he'd been put on the end of a leash? The only change was that now he had a way to make Seel shut up when he was tired of dealing with him. Maybe Swift was better at it, but he wasn't here right now.

"I've told him, Seel. He knows. He's seen everything." Almost everything. Close enough to everything. "I'm not an idiot. I've tried. I am out of things to say. If you're so concerned about our 'communication,' maybe you should talk to him. Ask him why he's so terrified of me because he sure as hell isn't telling me." He wanted another drink, but he knew Seel would only hold that over him. He should have left before this conversation even started. It was none of his business, and there he was, sticking his nose in it anyway.

Really, he shouldn't have been surprised.

"Maybe I will." Pell probably needed it more. He was just as scared as Cal was, if not more. He had to be. He wasn't sure who this Cal was. Seel liked to think that if he was faced with a future Swift he wouldn't hesitate, but truth be told he'd never know until he was put into that situation. He tried to ignore Cal's biting truth. Cal always knew him, how could he not? They were tied together so intrinsically it was almost damn abusive. It wasn't a healthy relationship--if any of Seel's could ever be called that, but Cal and Seel were the most poisonous.

"I'd like to think I've changed, a little. Have I?" He probably shouldn't have asked that, but no har else knew him better, no one else had been there since the beginning. Their beginning. Because no matter what Wraxilan had insisted, Seel was Cal's first.

"Did you ever think that maybe he's worried you wont want him as he is now?"

Maybe Seel should talk to Pell. Maybe it would just look like Cal was a child again, sending his friend to go ask another child whether or not he liked him. Like being back in school again. Which was exactly what Seel was accusing him of. But maybe Pell would respond to him better since he wasn't quite so emotional about him as he was about Cal. Or if he was, at least that emotion wasn't abject terror.

"Some. Maybe." Barely, but enough to count. In appearance, if nothing else. Cal could still take his measure far more easily than Seel might have liked. At least he got to keep that much. Keeping Seel in check would certainly require that. Maybe it was a skill he'd learned over the years they'd known each other or maybe it was just intrinsic to Seel. Whichever. It didn't rightfully matter.

"Yes, actually, I did. I'm sure he thought as much. And nothing I said or did or showed him could convince him otherwise. Do you have anything useful to tell me?"

Seel was certain Pell liked Cal more than he liked Seel, although at the moment Pell's fear of the unknown was creating more a problem than Seel confronting him. One day, life would be easy. He wasn't sure when that would happen, but, one day. Probably a time when Cal wasn't involved. When would that happen? Life wasn't so terrible when he 'gone'. After Thiede carted him away. But no, this wasn't Cal's fault. It was no one's fault. But he was going to fix it.

Seel sighed. It wasn't the answer he wanted to hear, but from Cal, it was a truthful one. At the very least he could take pride in the fact that he was no longer twelve and following the other child blindly.

"Don't be an ass. I'll talk to Pell." He shook his head in surprise. Seel would have honestly thought Cal would be the one to get through to Pell. It was the reason he tracked down Cal first instead of Pell. "A gift couldn't hurt, you know. I'm not saying apologize. None of this is anyone's fault." Unlike when Seel and Swift fought. "But it would help show you care. Which is more than you're doing right now."

"Really? Doing giving him exactly what he wants isn't showing that I care? Making...things as easy on him as possible doesn't count or something? And why are feeling so goddamn matchmaker-ish? This isn't your business." But it was, really. There were only three of them and if two were avoiding each other...it was his business. Even if Cal didn't want it to be, even if he wanted this to be something private handled privately, he didn't get that choice here. Maybe that was supposed to be a good thing, but mostly it was just annoying.

And yet he was almost...relieved that Seel was going to track Pell down and talk to him. That was one less horribly awkward thing he'd have to do to him. Even if Seel was still here, lecturing him about it.

"How can you know what he's thinking if you haven't asked, Cal? For all you know, Pell is there huddled against Jo thinking you don't care because you're staying away. Have actually told him that's what you're doing? That you're not running away because it's who you are?"

Seel ignored Cal's remarks. It was too his business. He was stuck in the middle and he was not going to spend the rest of his days here with Pell locked in another room and Cal spending all his days avoiding him.

"Just roon him already." Seel was sure all problems were not fixed by just rooning, but with Cal and Pell, it was a damn good start. At least there would be communication. "Someone here has to be the adult and I'd rather you two get together again so it doesn't have to be me."

Seel was right, and Cal knew it, but that didn't mean he had to like it. Or even admit it. Seel didn't need any more encouragement to be an asshole, and telling him he was right was only going to make it worse. He would never let Cal forget that he'd been right and he'd be hearing about it for weeks any time Seel had some advice to offer.

"Do you think we haven't talked, Seel? What do you think caused all this in the first place?" Cal leaving, coming back, Pell seeing him... And the conversations hadn't fixed anything. Granted they hadn't had many before Pell vanished and Cal had taken the hint and followed suit. He tried. It just hadn't done anything.

"I'm not that much a beast anymore, Seel. I'm not going to throw him against a wall and take him." Never mind that he would not have appreciated that and it would only have made everything worse. "I have yet to hear anything remotely helpful."

Seel was trying hard not to roll his eyes at Cal right now. Was he purposefully making things difficult? That was Cal. Was that part of what made him love him in the first place? His screw everything attitude.

"Maybe that's because you're not actually listening to me. I know we don't need aruna here to survive, but that doesn't mean it's not necessary as much as talking is. Eating dinner. Make an overture instead of hiding. I thought you were the Tigron of Immanion. You can deal with Lianvis but you can't deal with a young Pell? I'm not saying throw him against a wall, I'm saying bring him flowers and chocolate and apologize for things you are not responsible for."

Apologize for existing. Because the world had to know how sorry he was that he'd been born entirely against his will. Apologize for things that weren't his fault because somehow they always were. Fuck.

"What do you want me to say? 'so sorry my continued existence has become such an inconvenience for you?'" Like it had for everyhar else. And maybe he was being purposefully difficult, but the petulance felt safe, almost. Like he could save himself from hurting any more than he already did. If he didn't confront it, it didn't get worse. Childish, but protective. Instinctual, maybe. He knew better than to stick his hand under a flame.

"No Cal, I was thinking something like 'I'm sorry for this entire situation. I wish I could go back and make it right, turn back time, but I can't. But I'd like to get to know you again, because I still love you.' That's much better than 'i'm sorry my existence inconveniences you.'"

Seel took a sip of his drink, wondering how he'd gotten good at apologizing. Maybe because of his habit of rightfully pissing Swift off. He pushed and weedled and knew that what he had done or was doing would upset him and he did it anyway. He grabbed his new drink and took a sip.

"Trust me. I've done this before. Not exactly your situation, but the apologies. "

"Why am I not surprised." It wasn't even a question. He knew what Swift was like, and that the har was far too good for Seel. Or even Cal. How he'd managed to accomplish that in that house was a damn mystery.

He should have gotten another drink and damn what Seel thought of him. He should be very drunk right now to deal with this. If the swill they had around here could even do it.

"How are you so damn sure he'll believe that? He hasn't believed anything else so far."

Swift was far too good for Seel. Cal shared that common viewpoint with lots of other hara from Galhea. It was something Seel was very aware of, why he tried to balance Parsic traditions and feelings and his own Gelaming nature at parties and gatherings. It was easy to dislike the outsider. Especially when some felt Seel had usurped the position of Consort.

So he tried not to let Cal's comments hurt him. Tried.

"So you just give up? You must really care about him. I think if you stop trying, you solidify his fears."

"No. I haven't given up. But fuck me for trying to do what I thought was the right thing." He'd never be free of that thought, but he hadn't honestly expected much. Hara would just always believe that this new Calanthe was just a facade, hiding the darkness he'd always held before. Nohar would ever truly believe he'd rid himself of it. He couldn't even say it was anyhar's fault but his own.

"He's terrified enough, Seel. I'm not going to add to it."

Seel was this close to putting his head in his hands and screaming. He'd faced down the Hegemony, stayed strong in the face of Ashmael Aldabaran(although that har was not nearly as scary as some thought he was), but Cal was threatening to send him over the edge.

"Fine. Do what you want. I'm going to talk to Pellaz tomorrow. Make yourself available for dinner. Let him find you at least. If the two of you want to continue to shoot your relationship in the foot, far be it for me to argue."

As far as Cal saw it, that was exactly the problem--he did what he thought he had to, and nohar else ever seemed to agree. When he did nothing he was derided, when he tried he was demonized. There was no winning, and the only other choice was not to play. He didn't even get to make it for himself anymore. Not now that he was one of the golden figureheads of a species that was still learning itself.

But he'd let Seel run his mouth for long enough, pretending like he knew what this was, like he had the answer when he didn't have so much as a goddamn clue.

"I can't stop you from doing that. But don't you sit there on your damn marble pedestal with the rest of your angels and tell me you know what it's like in the dirt."

Dammit Cal. This was what he got for trying to help you. For trying to help Pell. They never ended well, the two of them. They were toxic and he should have left as much alone. He'd thought things might be different, that Cal had undergone a change, that saving Aleeme and Azriel meant starting over. Bullshit. Cal was still Cal, and he'd dance on corpses while the world burned.

"Don't be such an ass when others try and help you." Seel drained the rest of his drink and slammed it onto the counter. " Tigron." And unless Cal stopped him, Seel was going to storm out.

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If I Could Step Outside Myself

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