hadriel_logs | Event Log: Memories Past

Event Log: Memories Past

Who: Everyone
What: Memory Share Event!
Where: All around the city
When: November 14th-20th
Warnings: Please remember to tag all warnings for memory shares!

Have you ever looked through someone else's eyes? Heard through their ears, spoken with their tongue? The gods have tried to teach some of you empathy, but it's time you learned the hard way, exactly what the others here have been through. For a week, every time you brush skin to skin with someone, you'll experience a memory of theirs: happy, sad, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that it feels real to you.

The first touch may come as a surprise- it lasts only for a split second but may feel like an eternity, where you're trapped in someone else's memory. After that, it could be more expected, and some may even figure out how to control it and share specific scenes from their past with others. Or, you might wear gloves and long sleeve shirts for awhile, nobody's judging.

Maybe curtail the handholding for awhile- or go right ahead, if that's your thing. After all, you never really know somebody unless you've walked a mile in their shoes, right?

► This log covers November 14th-20th.
► Feel free to make your own logs as well
► Please tag headers of threads with content warnings where they apply
► Please put your character's name and open/closed in the subject line of your starters!
► If you die in a memory, you don't die in real life, but if you do die in real life please let us know here.

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Is Greg the ghost?

[He assumes so, but his head's still a little foggy from the memory transfer. It's weird, downloading a piece of someone else's brain, and he's collecting them left and right at this point.]

Did you, uh, see anything of mine?

[In his experience, the memory sharing tends to be a two-way street. He just hopes Sal didn't see anything too awful.]

Yeah, that's him.

[If he sounds distracted it's because he's totally distracted. His lips purse — as much as they can, considering the state of his face, his brows furrow, his face in general does a whole dance of "how do I answer this without making this terrible?", and yet the only indication of this is the hesitance in his eyes.]

I...I did, yeah. [He trails off at the end there, clearly not certain if he should say what he saw or not. But he decides to leave it up to Harlan. If he asks, he'll tell him.]

[Harlan shifts. Yeah, okay, he saw something pretty awful. With that mask, it's hard to get a read on what this means for their friendship, exactly. The hesitance could be guilt over having seen something private, or it could be because Sal is now afraid of him. He waits a moment to see if Sal's going to answer that for him, but he doesn't. Harlan licks his lips, nodding.]

What'd you get?

[But since he can't tell what Sal's thinking, he doesn't know what sort of comfort to provide. He considers outright telling Sal that he's not going to hurt him, but wow would that require a lot of horrible backpedaling if he didn't get any of those kinds of memories.]

I'm not going to be upset. This memory swapping thing isn't your fault.

[Okay, he asked, and Sal already resolved himself to be honest if he did. It doesn't even occur to him that Harlan could be thinking he saw something that would negatively impact their friendship, otherwise he wouldn't be acting like such a cagey little thing about it right now.

He takes a small breath, more concerned about how bringing this up or knowing someone else saw something so personal could affect Harlan more than having trouble recounting what he just saw.]

You were alone. [He knows that's not very helpful, but it's the first thing that came to mind to say. It takes him a moment to elaborate, and he hopes it's enough.] In a bathroom. It was here, in Hadriel. You...were alone.

Ah.

[Yeah, it's enough. Granted he's leaning on an assumption that it was the memory during the isolation event, but given all of Sal's hesitation, his unwillingness to put words to it... Yeah, it had to be that. Harlan's an old hat when it comes to self harm, to being suicidal even, but that event was the closest he's come to actually going through with it in a long time. Since he's been in Hadriel, for sure.]

That was a bad event. You might've heard about it. It was a month or two before you got here.

[It's possible that he's mentioned it, even, but his memory is failing him at the moment.]

The gods conjured up a citywide illusion that made us think we were stuck in an empty city with a couple of other people. The gods were gone, the network was down, the whole city shut down completely. We'd never seen anything like it before. I thought it was real.

[And because he can see something of himself in Sal and he knows all this fretting is probably on Harlan's behalf:]

I don't know if you're embarrassed or guilty or what, but you don't have to be. I'm sorry you had to see that.

[Sal actually does recall hearing vague details about something like that happening. He definitely got the impression it was one of the worse things to happen around here, just from the way it was brought up in conversation, though he had no idea just how bad it was. It was only in passing he heard about it, after all.

There's a small bundle of anger that gathers in the pit of his stomach. He wants to understand these beings that feed off of their emotions. He wants to give them the benefit of the doubt; they can't help being what they are, right? But some of them, just by virtue of what they embody alone, seem way too dangerous for the people of Hadriel, and far too unwilling to just...find another way. Something. Something that doesn't involve emotionally tormenting good people.]

Don't be sorry. [That comes out a little more firmer than he intended. His flinches a bit — sometimes he forgets he's a kid talking to adults. He instinctively lifts a hand to rub at his shoulder, as if to calm himself down. Sometimes it works, sometimes he gets a little too upset and ends up just leaving a bruise. It seems to be working now, though, kind of. If only because he's too focused on how his friend might feel more than anything.] The fault isn't with us.

[He clears his throat as if that will make any unpleasantness in his tone go away. It, well, it works a little. He doesn't sound angry anymore and allows the sympathy hammering away at him come through in his words instead.]

It's not what I was expecting to see, but...I know how it feels. Sometimes you just don't know how to deal with the things that are forced on you. We're not supposed to be that strong. I think that's how we get stronger — er...

[He stops himself abruptly, wondering why the hell he kept talking and feeling an intense urge to apologize for this little word-spew he went on instead of just, maybe, not saying anything. But he always found it hard not to. Even when Travis was telling him to fuck off he just kept talking, and talking until he thought something he said helped. It doesn't always, he knows.]

That's what I always tell myself, I mean. Sometimes it helps.

["One of the worse things to happen around here" is definitely how Harlan would describe it.

And here Sal is, continuing his trend of being wise beyond his years. It's refreshing, talking to someone so emotionally open and aware, but it makes Harlan a little sad, too. He doesn't want Sal to be able to relate to him. That doesn't come without some amount of pain in his past.]

I don't know about not knowing how to deal so much as knowing that dealing with it is pointless.

[Not that Sal is wrong in his assessment, though. The overwhelming uncertainty was what led him into that bathroom in the first place.]

Usually with these events, we at least know it's not real. It's not much, but it helps keep you sane. With that event, we had no fucking way of knowing one way or the other. We've never had an event where the gods flat out vanished before.

[He sighs. He probably shouldn't be unloading on Sal like this, but it's an explanation.]

Getting stronger through that kind of shit is true sometimes, I guess. I don't know.

["Pointless"; that's a scary word that holds enough weight to shatter the sturdiest of walls. He has never gotten quiet that far yet himself, even on his worst days, there was always some bit of hope or stubbornness pushing him to keep from giving up completely, the only time he ever felt anything remotely similar being the medications that make him feel more on the numb side than anything. That's the reason his chest hurts for his friend, who admits to having felt the feeling, something he wouldn't even wish on his worst enemy.

Uncertainty, though, is so painfully familiar. What's real? What's not? He understands, and if he knew Harlan was feeling any kind of way "unloading" he would recapture that firm tone and tell him it was fine. Words sometimes relieved unbearable pressure, even if they seemingly solved nothing. Even if they had nothing to do with anything. It's one of the reasons Sal is so grateful for all the friends he's made back home. And here, despite the fact that his constant struggle with reality has manifested itself here as well as back home, leaving him waking up some nights confused and scared. Was Hadriel a dream? Was it real?]

I know. [He says with a gentle kind of certainty.] You can crack a million times, but you're still resilient. I believe you are.

["Believe", because he still doesn't know Harlan all that well and he won't pretend to. But he'll give his honest observation whether he asks for it or not. And really, he knows all the words in the world can't help some things, but there's a few he always finds comfort in himself, so he'll repeat them, as he always does.]

Hey, you know I consider you a friend, right? I'm always open to talk. About anything. [Anything, because he knows he's a kid to most everyone, by size alone, and most adults probably don't want to open up to a teenager.

Sometimes he wonders curiously if people think he's like, twelve or thirteen because of his size. That probably doesn't help.]

Or just listen. I'm good at that.

[It is a little awkward, having a kid comfort him in this way. It'd be awkward having anyone comfort him in this way, truth be told, but between him and Sal? It feels like he should be the one doing the comforting. That's what adults are supposed to do for kids. Teenagers. He's not sure what category Sal fits into, now that he thinks about it. He looks young, though it's hard to tell with his mask, but he sounds older than most of the adults around town.

Luckily, age isn't something that Harlan thinks about very often. In his world, the species are too varied for age to matter much. His last girlfriend has a couple hundred years on him, for example. It's best to not get hung up on these things.

"Resilient" is a word he's heard used to describe him before. He's gotten it a lot from therapists, and sometimes from foster parents. His strength, if you know his history, is one of his more noteworthy attributes, but it's not always easy for Harlan to see that in himself. The careful way that Sal says it, though. Harlan will remember that.]

Thanks.

[He leaves it at that. He laughs a little at the rest of it, though.]

I appreciate that, and I'll keep it in mind. I don't want you worrying about me, though. Shit only got that bad because of the event. I'm not usually suicidal.

[Not usually, but it happens. That was the first time in a long time that he's come close to going through with it, though.]

I consider you a friend too, by the way. That open invitation for support goes both ways.

[Oh, but Sal is going to worry regardless, and he knows this. But still, he nods, since there's no use letting Harlan know that Sal will in fact constantly worry.

A smile spreads across his face, showing in his eyes a little. It's always nice to hear when someone considers you a friend...or when they're willing to offer support. Sometimes that knowledge is really all the support Sal needs.]

Thank you. [With as much sincerity as he can get across with a forced poker face and muffled voice.] I know it's not easy to talk about.

[The "thank you" also being for not rebuffing his offer.]

[Harlan gets it. The reassurance wouldn't stop him from worrying, either. He just shrugs, though.]

I don't mind talking about it. I'm used to it.

[It's pretty much the thing that comes up first with therapists, and it keeps coming up because he's honest about continuing to cut despite all the urging to stop. He's got plenty of other shit to work on in his life, so why waste time on a coping mechanism that doesn't hurt anyone but him? It's better than the alternative.]

I don't bring it up because it freaks people out. Seeing it is a different story, though.

[Sharing a memory is better than Sal having walked in on it or something, but still.]

[There are a lot of immediate things he has to say about that; "you shouldn't be used to it, that's not good", etc, but he refrains from saying such things knowing they will help literally nothing. He trusts Harlan when he says that was a rare occurrence, though next time things get especially terrible around here he'll be sure to reach out...just to check in.]

Yeah...[Sal would agree there. He's not sure how he would have reacted had he walked in on Harlan actually hurting himself like that.] Well, you're okay right now, that's what's important.

[Literally, that's it. Simple as that. Sal will probably take a bit to process what he just saw but he's fine.]

[Harlan appreciates you, Sal. He nods.]

Yeah. It's over with, and I don't see that scenario happening again anytime soon.

[The gods aren't known for pulling the same event twice, and even if they did, he'd know now to be suspicious of it. Then again, you never know in this town. It's impossible to truly rule out any possibility. But, still.]

Thanks for understanding, too. It's not something I like people worrying about.

[He knows it's impossible not to worry at all—hell, he'd be pretty worried himself if the situation was reversed—but the fact that Sal's willing to focus on the here and now is enough.]

I don't do well with fretting, you know? I can handle my own shit.

[Sal nods as well, chuckling softly because...well, he hypocritically understands that, for as much of a worry wart as he can be. And now that that's all said and done, he can't resist poking a little fun, just to lighten the mood.]

I mean...you were also a sheep just now. [A majestic sheep, but still a sheep.] But I totally get it.

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Event Log: Memories Past

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blanket cw for discussions of self harm and suicide for the rest of the thread prob

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cw self harm mentions

cw self harm mentions

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