Icescapades

[glacius]

Who: Glacius (glacius) and Carlisle (tongueamok)
What: A lightheared attempt at cold camping that inadvertantly lets these two avoid Rage's influence following Delight's demise.
Where: Outside the city limits.
When: 2/23
Warnings: N/A

What sunlight made it through the light cloud covering of this cold world shone down on the even colder alien that crested the hill, using the vantage point to cast a glance back at the city that was dwindling in size behind them. Then, those glowing green eyes dropped to the human following behind him, extending his long limb to aid the human behind him as he tackled the incline next. It wasn't uncommon to see Glacius trudging diligently out beyond the city limits, exploring and keeping watch, but for his partner to join him was a special occassion.

Glacius had long been keenly interested in exploring this planet for an extended period of time, and Carlisle had mentioned a few times that he wouldn't mind going out with him on a camping venture. Now, given the most recent transmission the citizens of Hadriel had received from the Null, it seemed like the perfect time to get away from it all. The ice alien did not want to be involved in the exchange, did not want to be dragged into the conflict between the murderous machiens and the torturing parasites any more than he already had been... so, what had initially been planned as a fun get away together now had added incentive.

"Ah, there you go," Glacius speaks, pulled out of his thoughts by the human's much warmer gloved hand resting lightly in his own. He clasps it supportively and helps him the the rest of the way up the hill, happy for Hadriel to vanish behind it. "The terrain may be uneven, but you are doing well... and soon we will be far enough away to look for a place to set up camp and rest. How are you doing, my partner?"

Comments

[glacius]

"Oh," Glacius replies, toeing around in the dirt a bit more for a moment, "I understand."

It might seem like the alien is going to continue to distract himself with busywork, but then he flicks one errant pine out of the way, taps his two sturdy white toes against the frozen ground, and then looks to Carlisle. "I understand customary exchanges... appreciate them, even. But I also think that every person's needs and tastes are different. I know that you probably wanted to fit in with what was customary for the rest of your lineage, but I do not think it is a bad thing that your uncle knew and cared for you enough to give you something that better suited your needs. Not every person can or want to conform... and that sort of rigidity can sometimes do more harm than good. Better to get something you can actually use and stand out a bit, than to receive something that would only get you into trouble for conformity's sake. No?"

[tongueamok]

Carlisle places the last of the sticks into place, his eyes affixed on his work rather than on his partner. There is something to be said about that kind of advice coming from someone who seems so averse to being different, so troubled by the mere thought of there being a version of himself that does not conform to his strict notions of what is acceptable for the society in which he was raised. Perhaps Algidus is aberrant, but Carlisle refuses to believe that makes him inherently bad, no matter how grief-stricken Glacius may be by the very concept.

But Glacius does ultimately know what it is like to not entirely fit in with those around him, and more importantly, he is trying to be encouraging. Thus, Carlisle holds his tongue on his argumentative thoughts.

"It is," he agrees, offering his partner a lopsided smile. "Disappointed as he may have been, I believe he wanted the best for me. They both did." His father was another matter entirely. "And perhaps he was gifted with the foresight that once ran in our blood, as it has indeed come in handy more than once, particularly here. I ought not complain."

[glacius]

"It is always good to be grateful for the gifts that we are given," Glacius nods, coming to squat next to Carlisle and his pile of twigs and kindling. The ice alien, hunched over as he is, further lowers his head to give his partner a sidelong glance. "I have to ask, though, what made you think your Uncle was disappointed? Did he say such things to you when giving you your cloak?"

[tongueamok]

"Of course not," Carlisle replies as he looks toward his partner, shaking his head as though to further emphasize the point. He would never want Glacius to think ill of his uncles, of all people.

"Brash as he could be at times, he would have never vocalized such frustration in front of me, even if he felt it. I mean not to paint a poor picture of them. He— both him and Uncle Boris knew I would be uniquely burdened by my circumstances, and that they need not place any more upon me than necessary."

[glacius]

Glaicus pauses a moment later, continuing to regard Carlisle with careful thought, before looking away and replying. "That is good. I suppose I am simply curious why you think yourself to be a disappointment if these people never vocalized such things to you. It... hurts me to hear you refer to yourself as such even in passing."

Another beat, and those glowing green eyes flick back once more to Carlisle. "You know that... I would never consider you as such, right?"

[tongueamok]

"A disappointment or a burden?" Carlisle asks, realizing a fraction of a second later that he can answer that question for himself, as Glacius would strongly insist he is neither. "I- what I mean is that I know you would never consider me as such- or either. You have told me so before, though at times, I cannot see why."

And that would be more of what Glacius doesn't like to hear; he fumbles over another pile of words, trying to make up for it. "Not- not that you haven't explained your stance adequately, of course. It's- it is merely easier to see myself as a disappointment, knowing my bloodline, having grown up hearing their tales and trials, and their subsequent victories. I had always pictured myself among them, of course. Er, literally, in some cases. We had a lot of portraits of my family in the estate, and such images and, ah. Their implications left a permanent impression upon me."

He does not realize Glacius is more acquainted with said portraits than he could ever know, courtesy of the gods' interference in their dreams.

[glacius]

Glacius listens as Carlisle speaks; he starts of well enough sounding like he's acknowledging the alien's sentiments, but then he careens down his usual path of countless words and Glacius' expression twists into one of confusion. When the clergyman finally pauses he reaches out and puts a hand on his should, not only as a time out gesture but to hopefully convey an attempt at genuine connection.

"I feel like you are listening, but maybe not entirely hearing me... or fully acknowledging the depths of what I am telling you. I was not talking about your family or your blood line. I was talking about us, about how I feel about you, and I am telling you that I would never consider you a disappointment or a burden. Never. I love you and I... am proud of you. I just want you to think about that, to actually consider it, before you careen off into other thoughts and worries."

[tongueamok]

Carlisle reddens, his hands wringing together as he tries again -- slower this time. "I know, truly," he starts, his eyes flicking to the ground. He puts a hand to his chest, continuing. "I feel it here, within our Bond, but it," —his gaze lands on Glacius as he puts a hand to his own temple— "it's hard to make sense of it here. The path of logic often struggles to find its way through the chambers of the heart."

Even now, his head tells him that Glacius wouldn't say such things if he didn't feel they needed reiterating -- that Carlisle needs a reminder, needs that reassurance. He does need it, and he knows it, and though he realizes that is just something he'll have to accept, he finds himself frustrated with his inability to do so. His time may not be as brief as it once was, but he should still attempt to make the best of it, lest Glacius find he's wasting his time and—

Stop. Carlisle manages to quell that spiral by falling back on bad habits -- ones that have been redirected in a more positive direction than before, but arguably bad nonetheless. Glacius would disapprove of such thinking; he might not consider Carlisle to be a disappointment, but he would disapprove all the same. If he cannot think better of himself for his own well-being, he should do it for Glacius, his partner for whom he'd do anything.

If nothing else, his guilt has always been a strong motivator. He reaches for Glacius' hand, wanting to envelop himself in his partner's arms; there is no place he feels safer, even from the tempest of his own self-loathing.

[glacius]

Glacius seems surprised by the bid for comfort, but allows it readily, wrapping his strong arms around his partner and resting the smooth curve underneath his chin rest on the top of the human's soft hair. When Carlisle is this close to him, the alien's voice comes out as a deep rumble, emanating up from his broad throat and out of the openings in his neck.

"I am glad that you know. I think that sort of security is important to one's development—knowing that you have someone who will always love you deeply, and always be proud of your earnest efforts. I know it probably is hard not to worry when your bloodline has been emphasized continuously throughout your life, but... you are doing more than you give yourself credit for. I could speak similar tales of your tales and trials, and yes, even victories. I think you belong among those you compare yourself too... but after getting to know you over the years, and after learning what I have of your family, I would... hazard to say that you have also become something more."

[tongueamok]

That gets Carlisle's sheepish smile to return. He chuckles, the pale skin beneath his glasses an obvious red despite the fading light. "I doubt any Longinmouth has had relations with an individual from another world," he remarks coyly, "I will give you that. Even Uncle Benistad's, ah... rumored endeavors were not so incredible."

In the literal, physical, and emotional sense. Carlisle has many words for how he feels when they are together, and still cannot find the right ones to describe it.

[glacius]

That gets a surprised bark of laughter from the ice alien, his brows raised as high as they can be, leaving his green eyes wide. "What! Ha, of all the things my reserved cleric could focus on, this is what he chooses! Should I be flattered? Are you going to crow about me over drinks as though your laying me is some great conquest?"

He is teasing, of course—he knows the last thing Carlisle could be described as would be an obnoxious braggart, especially when it comes to such personal matters. That brings up a thought, though, and he pulls the human back from his throat so that he can gently clunk their foreheads together.

"Speaking of, there's a feat right there. I never did give you your flask back, did I? Perhaps the time is drawing near; you have long since proved that you care more about me than old bad habits."

[tongueamok]

In the brief moment they are parted, Glacius may notice just how red Carlisle is, his teasing -- however in private they may be -- having turned the cleric absolutely crimson. He's grateful for the repositioning, his face hot as their foreheads connect; Glacius' icy shell is a welcome deterrent to the burning sting of embarrassment.

And he's equally grateful for the change in subject, apprehensive as he may be about the topic. "As... as true as that may be, I still feel temptation. Not- not as much as I used to, but it is undeniably there in my moments of weakness. I cave now to- to other indulgences, but the reason is all the same: to quiet the guilt that storms within me. I have yet to absolve myself of it."

[glacius]

Glacius had not meant to Carlisle quite that thoroughly, but it seems that there are other, more important issues to focus on now. The ice alien hmms quietly as he tilts his head over so slightly against his partner, observing him from behind half-lidded eyes.

"After all these years, nothing has... helped at all? There is nothing I or anyone else has done that has lifted it even a little... not even your own growth has been enough to help you see differently?"

It is a discouraging thought. They have worked very hard at bettering themselves and their lives, together... for it all to come to nothing, well, Glacius is afraid he might start running out of ideas. Perhaps their time in this place has not been worth as much as Carlisle tries to assure him it has, but they have no option now other than to keep trying, and the ice alien isn't one to give up on the people he cares about.

[tongueamok]

Carlisle gives Glacius a reassuring smile, hearing that shift in tone, sensing his discouragement through their Bond.

"Guilt takes many forms," he explains, trying to swallow down his embarrassment (and now frustration that he made he has seemingly disappointed his partner, as always). "It shifts between them, shapes great and small, finding new crevices in my heart in which to hide when one has been mended. Bolstered as I may be by your support, and the support of others, my own constitution will never be enough to fully shake its burden. It's... merely who I am, I suppose."

He trails his fingers along the curves of Glacius' shoulder, coming to rest on his partner's broad chest. "I am not blind to how I have changed, however. I still struggle to accept it from time to time, but I am more aware than ever that my affliction does not define me, nor the downfall of my bloodline. There is more to who I am than twice-cursed, or the Longinmouth heir, or even a servant of the Clarity. I have intrinsic value that cannot be found elsewhere, no matter how one may look. That means something."

His hand makes its way back to Glacius' ruined mandible as he returns his forehead to rest against his partner's once more. "I would not have that without this place, or the friends I have made here. But most of all, I would not have that without you. Guilt may storm within me on some nights, but you have been my steadfast bastion against it. I may not have the strength to absolve my regrets yet, but with you, I will one day find the strength. I have faith in that."

[glacius]

"Well now. Here I was going to tell you not to say 'never' in regards to change in yourself, but you seemed to have it figured out already," Glacius replies, his expression having settled into a more peaceful and fond smile by the end of Carlisle's little speech. "I do hope you remember that—not to frame things in a way that causes you to discourage yourself, because that would set anyone up for failure... but to believe that what you want to happen may one day be achievable. The best goals in life take working towards, and I too have faith that you will one day triumph over your guilt."

The ice alien nestles his scar into his partner's palm for a moment, then turns his face to prick the cleric's palm with his remaining mandible in a little kiss. Then he pulls up and away, leaning back on his haunches. "Now let's go about finishing up this fire. The temperatures will only drop as it gets darker, and we need to be sure that this site we have chosen is set up to be as safe and comfortable for you as it can be."

[tongueamok]

Carlisle rubs his thumb over the spot where Glacius' mandible pricked him, committing that sensation of the tine against his palm to memory. "A splendid idea. The sooner we are set up, the sooner we can rest. How it was my uncles trekked so far and so often, I will never know."

He does know, of course -- they were paragons of strength, despite their aptitudes lying in very different areas, and they traveled so often that a hike like the one away from Hadriel would be considered trivial, at best. Then again, they were not cursed, nor had they ever dealt with a whole host of parasitic deities. There were arguments to be made in his favor.

With the fire roaring and his hunger sated from the meal following, Carlisle cannot help but yawn as he pulls his cloak around him, the chill of the night having arrived while they ate. If their distance from the city has granted them anything, it is a gorgeous view of the night sky, an array of colors dancing across the starry expanse above them. Carlisle finds himself entranced by the sight, nearly forgetting how cold he is as he remains silent, the lights above reflected in his glasses.

[glacius]

Glacius stays close as the light wanes and the day recedes into night, even when the plummeting temperatures necessitate a larger fire. That part is difficult; being so close to such a blazing, open heat runs counter to everything he is, and it's hard to fight down the fear that tell him to trample it out to protect, or to flee before its hissing red-orange tendrils can lash out and lick over his body. It is the desire to be close to his partner that keeps him rooted there, telling himself over and over again in his mind that these are old-rooted fears that are more instinctual than anything; this fire is not powerful enough to strip him of his icy skin, nor is there and detritus or foliage close enough for it to catch on, consume, and grow to become so.

The ice alien is still nervous, and the close proximity to the burning heat definitely is uncomfortable for him, and that can all be read from the tenseness of his body as he sits there. They are things he can deal with, though, if it means being present with his partner... and the stars becoming visible as the sky goes pitch-black is also a good distraction. Glacius has always been sure to come back into the city by the time night has fallen to look out for Carlisle, so though he's seen the stars of the sky before, it has been nothing like this. Now there are no Spires partially obstructing the view, no light pollution from the city to diminish their shine; it is just an open expanse of shining cosmos above them.

"It never loses its beauty or its promise," the otherworldly being chuckles quietly, gently putting an arm around his partner—outside of the thick cloak, of course—as he feels his mood lifting just at the sight. "Has it been since the ocean that we last were able to see something like this?"

[tongueamok]

Allowing Glacius to pull him closer, Carlisle nestles against the side of his cloak that rests against his partner, grateful for its warmth while wishing it were not a (however necessary due to the temperature) barrier between them.

"I believe so," he replies. "How long ago that seems now, that you had to come rescue me because I could not will myself to walk through the streets of the city. I feared that I would be swallowed whole by the buildings looming above us. Then you took me onto the water, where I was sure I would be dragged into the unfathomable depths, were it not for your presence."

[glacius]

"It does seem like a long time ago... even to a long-lived thing such as I," Glacius observes, letting those memories play out in his head—easier to do when the expanse above them is so vast and open, making it easier to similarly empty his mind. "You have always done very well at facing your fears for me. Even now, I am sure it would be much more comfortable for you to be back in our warm home... yet you have come out here with me, trying to spend time with me in a way you know I would like to build us stronger. Thank you."

[tongueamok]

Carlisle lets out a quiet chuckle. "You have no need to thank me. It is what a good partner should do. I have been trying to be better about it."

He wrings his fingers beneath his cloak, well aware that many of the tribulations they've faced as a couple have been on him -- facing his fears, dealing with his condition. There are times he has been unthinking toward Glacius' concerns, at best, and outright callous regarding them at worst. He is no longer alone, though; he has a reason to be better, to improve himself in the eyes of someone other than his goddess and the ghosts of his lineage. And thanks to Glacius, he may actually live long enough to accomplish such self-improvement. It isn't a waste of precious time anymore.

And Glacius may feel that through the Mote as Carlisle leans against him once more, a heartfelt smile creeping across him.

"I have to admit that when we see sights like this... I believe this place would not be so bad to remain on."

[glacius]

"You've been doing very well," Glacius replies, feeling that warm tickle of satisfaction through their metaphysical bond and leaning back towards his partner in turn. He cannot read his partner's exact thoughts, but knowing that he's feeling some measure of happy pride from all of this is gratifying and comforting.

The notion of remaining here, however, is less so, and the ice alien is quick to rebel against it as always. "Mmh. But then you remember that the vast majority of our days are spent struggling and suffering, being used as playthings or pawns in some war we have no stake in... and it makes me want to be up among those stars instead of just looking at them even more. I..."

Glacius blinks, realizing in that moment that he's going off down a familiar path. The sight above them is beautiful and he should not act like it is lesser regardless of the circumstances that surround it. Keeping his one arm around Carlisle, he puts the other oh his partner's knee. "I... sorry. You were just trying to share a nice sentiment. I did not mean to spoil it by complaining, it is just... I do not want us to settle, you see? Even after everything I still believe that there is something better out there for us... and after all the trust you have put in me, I owe that much to you."

[tongueamok]

Carlisle wrings his fingers tighter, his gaze affixing itself on the reflection of the dancing lights on the snow before them. "I hear what you are saying, but- I meant that when the false gods inevitably move the city again. If... there were some way to just remain here."

Not that the tundra is particularly hospitable: he's had to use magic to keep his garden alive, and the beasts that wander beyond the city's borders are certainly more dangerous than the natural predators they saw in the caves or on the islands, but the temperature suits Glacius well, and Carlisle knows he could make do. It would just be the two of them, and might get terribly lonely after a while, but so long as they have each other...

He wrests his hands from one another, placing one atop Glacius'. "Forgive me for my foolishness. I will blame the long trek having worn me out in both mind and body. Perhaps I will think more clearly after a good night's rest."

[glacius]

"It is not foolish," Glacius shakes his head, "In fact, I think it is... admirable, in a way, that you could be content to make a life here. It is dangerous to want for more, as there is always more in life to want—be it wealth, friends, power, or even security. Learning to be accepting of what you have in the moment is a difficult, but wholly worthwhile, skill to learn."

The ice alien lowers his head on his curving neck to butt gently against his partner's cheek in a show of approval to cap that statement off. His glowing green eye looms large as he holds there, his alien pupil flicking over to regard the human next to him. "Anyways, if you are tired, you should rest. We had a long trek today, and there will be more time to spend together when we wake."

[tongueamok]

A quiet sigh escapes the clergyman, his mind unfortunately elsewhere. Glacius insists the idea is not foolish, but it is, Carlisle convinces himself. After all, Glacius may be made for such a cold, dangerous world, what with his icy armor and bold stature, but how would someone like him survive? Glacius would have to gather resources, food, protect them from the dangers of the tundra. What can Carlisle offer besides companionship?

His father could have survived in such a world. His uncles certainly could have. They would have likely enjoyed the challenge survival can offer were they not beholden to their nephew, the only heir of their proud family and failure of his lineage.

The icy giant's gentle nudge does little to draw Carlisle from his self-deprecation; he does his best to mask his uncertainty as he returns the gesture. "Until tomorrow, then." He slides from Glacius' side, bundling up in the furs closer to the fire so he does not freeze when the blaze goes out. "Goodnight, my friend. Do not stay up too late."

[glacius]

Carlisle does his best, but Glacius has come to learn that sort of sigh all too well throughout their relationship; he can tell that it is a sound of relenting, but not of understanding or agreement. He knows Carlisle is likely still troubled, all because his alien partner had to go and gripe in the middle of what should have simply been some nice stargazing. Whether or not their circumstances leave something to be desired in this mind, he hadn't meant to cause the cleric grief; the otherworldly being lifts a hand as the human turns over as if to stop him, but then halts mid-motion and drops it.

As much as he hates for Carlisle to go to bed feeling down, he knows that sometimes there is little point in trying to talk to him when he gets like this. For all the ways his partner has changed over the years, in others it still feels like they are in square one; it is best to give him time and try again in the morning, when things are a little brighter. So Glacius lays down too, on his side with this head cradled in the crook of one arm so that he can continue to look at the stars as he too gradually dozes off.