Event Log: Fear Itself, Mk II

[hadrielmods]

Who: All characters participating in the event
What: The event log for the Fear Itself Mk II event
Where: All over the city
When: May 19th-26th
Warnings: None

It starts with a sense of dread- something that boils deep in your gut that doesn't quite have a place. For the first few days, you can probably just chalk it up to paranoia and doubt, but it's clear that something is building and ramping up, but you're not quite sure what... or maybe if you've been in this city for long enough, the sensation is just familiar enough that it jogs your memory...

It doesn't matter though because it can't be stopped. It only takes a few days before it comes to a head and you begin to see your worst fears- a person, an event, a monster... the thing you fear most materializes seemingly out of thin air to terrorize you. It's not harmless either, whatever it is can hurt you, even if nobody else can see it or interact with it.

Of course, that doesn't last for long either- soon enough, people around you can see your fear and you can see theirs. Is that better or worse? Maybe both, because your fears will begin to combine after a time into some fucked-up supermonster that will try to hurt or kill you both.

We hope you're ready.

► This log covers May 19th-26th.
► Please tag headers of threads with content warnings where they apply
► Please put your character's name and open/closed in the subject line of your starters!
► If your fear winds up ending you, please let us know here.

Comments

Lucretia | OTA

[madamdirector]

[ Things had been all right lately. Sure, the Null are coming, but she's not just sitting around waiting for it to happen. Maybe their strategizing and planning will work, maybe it won't, but at least they're doing something to prepare. At least she's involved. She's starting to feel almost hopeful.

And then one day she wakes up and that's all gone. There's a sinking feeling in her stomach, and she just can't seem to relax. Something is wrong, but she doesn't know what.

Until, suddenly, she does. One day she just knows. It's just like before. All the planning, the preparing, is useless. It's not going to work. She tries, or thinks she tries, to call people in a panic - Kate, Alphys, Cecily - but no one takes her calls. Just as she's known they would, they've turned on her. Her ideas aren't good enough. They're going to try something else, and it's going to fail. No one will listen. No one seems to hear her at all.

Things begin to deteriorate quickly after that. At first, running into actual people seems to help. She talks to them and everything is normal, nothing is going to shit, no one's actually dismissing or ignoring her. But that doesn't last long. Soon it's not just the dread of knowing she's going to fail. Soon she's seeing it, in real time. The Null are coming. Her friends, her family, are suffering and dying. And this time, there's no way for Lucretia to take away their pain. There's no way to fix it at all. ]

[restinglichface]

[This is just what Hadriel does to you, Lup and Taako know that intimately by now. Weeks drag on where nothing happens, where you can just live in relative peace, spending time with your loved ones and exploring this new world together. It almost feels right, almost feels like home. You think, just for a moment, that staying in this place wouldn't be the end of everything, that there's peace to be found in the friendships you've made, in the home you've built.

But then the gods of this place remind you again of what they're capable of. Of how easy it is for them to twist thoughts and feelings into real life fears. Barry leaving was never the start of Lup's hate for this place, it's just when she became more vocal about it.

Lup seeks Lucretia out just as she has the last few days, moving to one another out when everything feels like too much, when her chest tightens almost painfully in fear. Those first few days, just seeing Lucretia had been enough to ease the tightness within her, to alleviate some of that built up panic. But now the other woman comes into view and everything feels almost amplified, both of Lup's ears pinning back tight, her brows pinched tightly together.]

You look like shit.

[To be fair, Lup does too, after days of this fear swirling around inside of her.]

[madamdirector]

[ She moves to Lup instinctively when she sees her, her expression clearing in relief. Surely this will help. Just seeing Lup alive and well, seeing evidence of the elf's faith in her, has done wonders the past few days in banishing her darkier thoughts.

Only it doesn't work today. She sees Lup and all she can think of is that day on the Starblaster, how quickly she'd been to dismiss Lucretia's plan in favor of her own. Lucretia had worked for decades and Lup had just...

Her expression sours, and she turns away slightly. Not completely - there's still that other fear, warring with the first inside her belly, that fear that if she lets Lup out of her sight even for a second, she'll be lost to her, snatched by the Null or vanishing right through the floor. ]

Well, that's appropriate.

[ She certainly feels like shit. ]

[restinglichface]

[Even this amped up, it's not the reaction Lup was expecting out of the other woman.

Her already present frown twists sharper, the elf sweeping forward to put her hand on Lucretia's elbow, a silent reminder for Lucretia (and herself) that she's right here, that neither of them are alone in this.]

It's the mood of the day, I'd say. Everyone's feelin' this. It's... [Lup hesitates, not out of a sense of carefulness, but because she's having so much trouble keeping her thoughts on track. Everytime she sees that dark room, it feels like the ability to speak is just ripped away from her. It's making it difficult.

She sucks in a sharp breath of air, voice barely above a mumble.]

Sucks. Sucks for everyone.

[At least no one is murdering one another. But. That doesn't make events like this any easier either.]

Can I help?

[madamdirector]

[ At least she's not far gone enough to pull away when Lup reaches out. She does the opposite, leaning into her hand a little.

But Lup's touch doesn't provide any more reassurance than her initial presence had. Her hand presses against Lucretia's elbow, and she shivers, hit with a sudden wave of claustrophobia. It's like the walls are closing on on her, like the darkness is pressing down -

She shakes her head, doing her best to brush it off and concentrate on what Lup is saying. ]

Totally sucks.

[ Lucretia glances at Lup, but instead of the gratitude and hopefulness that would be her usual reaction to such an offer, all that's visible in her eyes is doubt and despair. ]

I...I don't know, Lup.

[ She looks down, curling her arms around herself and hugging her own elbows. ]

I don't think so.

[ No one can help now. She's already lost. ]

[restinglichface]

[Nothing feels right, but at least Lucretia lets herself be comforted, let's herself feel a single moment of closeness. The other woman leans into her and the elf's slipping in to bump their heads together carefully, the motion meant to be sweet and reassuring, but there's too much worry pinching between her brows.]

Talk to me, Luce.

[Not just for Lucretia's sake, but for Lup's too. The more she touches, the more she hears, the more Lup is reassured that she still exists. Because every second slipping by just makes her feel more and more lost.]

You and me. We can usually figure shit out together, right? When have we ever failed?

[madamdirector]

[ Failed? She almost laughs. They've failed plenty, both of them.

But Lup's presence is still helping overall, even if Lucretia's slowly, unknowingly starting to leech off the elf's fear. She shakes off the growing sensation of loneliness, of emptiness, and furrows her brow, forcing herself to concentrate on what Lup is really asking, rather than snapping out the first caustic remark that comes to mind. ]

...When we're alone.

[ Lup had gone off by herself, and ended up trapped in her own staff for ten years. And Lucretia had panicked without her, made the worst mistake of her life...and then a million more over the next ten years, all alone and without her friends to help her.

She reaches out, gripping Lup's hands tight in her own and looking anxiously into her eyes. ]

When we're apart, Lup. That's when we fail.

[restinglichface]

You're not wrong.

[Something uncomfortable twists in the elf's belly, some sensation of mixed fear and anxiety and guilt. There's nothing blaming in Lucretia's voice, nothing meant to hurt her so deliberately, but still, Lup feels something there. Something in the way Lucretia reaches for her, something behind that look in her eyes that just makes the woman feel ill.

Lup's ears droop down to her shoulders and she clings back without hesitation, gripping Lucretia's hand like she needs it to stay alive.]

I know, Luce. We - Shit always works out better when we can put our heads together. S'just fact.

[madamdirector]

[ It's not meant to be a guilt trip. Of course it isn't. She would have been horrified if she'd known the emotions her words stirred up in Lup. It's not her fault she'd been gone so long, and besides, she's more than suffered enough.

All Lucretia knows is that she needs her friend. That they're stronger, smarter, better together than apart.

She nods, not releasing her grip. Yet somehow, being here with Lup, holding on to each other and reassuring each other of the other's presence - somehow, it's not helping quite as much as it should.

Lup will always be taken from her, a quiet voice in the back of her mind whispers. She's listening now, but how long will that last? Until she decides she doesn't need Lucretia after all, that putting her head together with Barry's or Taako's is preferable? She'll abandon her, leave her alone, and Lucretia will try and fail, and there will be no one else, just silence and solitude and the darkness closing in -

She releases Lup's hands, turning away, and the words that come out of her mouth don't feel like her own. There's nothing bitter in them, or accusatory - her tone is calm, as though she's just facing facts. ]

Why don't you just go on and leave me now, Lup. We can skip all the drama.

[sciencelizard]

[It's always something, with Hadriel. It's just not enough to have the Null coming- Alphys knows better than most that it's always, always something. She can't say she's used to it, or even prepared, but fear is something she's incredibly used to- so what's the difference to her on a normal day?

A lot, apparently. Alphys' fear has never been a person, but a place, because with the actual possibility of leaving brings back the paranoia of where she's actually going. At first it's subtle, a weird noise she can't place until she finally realizes it's rushing water. As it progresses, she knows exactly what it is, catches herself feeling the current around her ankles and the weight it leaves on her lab coat, the ever present dragging of it all down, down, down.

She's just trying to remind herself she needs to get through it. For... a war, sure, but get through it. In times like this, she's hesitant to reach out in case things get worse, but she can't isolate herself with the abject consequences of that materializing around her. So when she sees Lucretia pacing through the city, she pulls against the perceived current dragging on her towards someone else, away from the edge.]

Hey, I, uhm-- a-are you okay? Whatever you're uhm, seeing, it's probably not real, so it's going to be alright...

[madamdirector]

[ Lucretia shakes her head automatically. ]

I'm not seeing anything.

[ Her fear, after all, is nothing anyone could see. Not an enemy to be fought, or even a place to run away from. It's a feeling, a feeling that weighs oppressively on her chest even as she tries to smile reassuringly at Alphys. ]

I'm - I'm fine, I'm just -

[ Only she's not, of course. She was consumed by her own fears already, but as the lizard woman looks up at her anxiously, she suddenly feels even worse. Like there's cold water rushing around her ankles, the current sucking at her, trying to pull her down -

She gasps, pressing one hand to her chest and groping blindly at a nearby bench with the other, hanging on without really understanding why. ]

Alphys -

[ Her own fears haven't faded in the wake of this new one. She reaches out a hand, suddenly certain that Alphys is about to drown too. ]

[sciencelizard]

[She didn't think this was going to happen. Alphys knew there was a danger in touching her, of course, which is why she didn't-- but it's always something new with this place, always a new way to be afraid.

Lucretia's worries hit her quickly and with an air of familiarity- of not being good enough, of being alone, of no one knowing what you did and time is running out, running out on them all. She clutches at her chest, the current underfoot taking a momentary surge as she grapples with her own head.]

I-- I'm sorry, it's-- it's n-not really here, it's not really here...

[She takes a few shaky steps forward and grabs her hand anyway, though. Alphys knows what happens when she lets go here, when she doesn't let her friends help her.

That part, she has already lived.]

It's gonna be okay! You just have to remember they're, they're trying to make you afraid, but-- you can do it, o-okay??

[It's always easier to encourage other people than it is herself. Maybe she can pull Lucretia out of this, at the very least.]

[madamdirector]

It's not really here.

[ What is she talking about? The water? The Null? Lucretia doesn't know, but she repeats after Alphys anyway, clinging onto her hand, trying not to shake too badly.

She does shake her head though, hopeless, still scared. ]

I - I can't. What if - what if I can't save them?

[sciencelizard]

[Oh. That hits in a personal place, in one she knows all too well. Does she have the right to tell her the nice words when she hasn't done them herself, when she's failed so utterly, and this fear is a culmination of all of that? She knows she failed. She knows.

When will she stop mourning herself for that?]

You-- you don't have to do it alone. There's gonna be people who will stand with you! You never have to be alone, and-- don't choose to be, okay? You can, you can make it better!

[Alphys holds onto her probably too hard, for dear life, for at least her sake. She wants to live this time, at this precipice. She wants to do better, if she gets a second try.

She knows she probably won't. But Lucretia deserves better, and even knowing everything that happened, she believes that implicitly.]

[madamdirector]

[ Lucretia listens to Alphys' words, and tries to believe them. She wants to, so badly. It's everything she wants. Not to be alone. To have help, support, trust from the people she loves and depends on.

She clings back, desperate and afraid, and shakes her head. ]

Th-they won't, Alphys.

They'll disappear, or they won't listen, or I'll - I'll drive them away.

[ That's what happens, after all, isn't it? She's seen it, time and time again. ]

I'll always be alone.

[sciencelizard]

[Oh, she knows these words. She feels them in her own fear, the representation of the current to the inevitable, to everyone who ever gave up on her.

Because she never gave them a chance to help. Because she never spoke up. Because the fear of their retribution was so much more terrifying than what was actually done, and at least in the moment she was she was still breathing, still existing, still holding on to something instead of freefalling into the abyss.]

No, I-- I know, I r-really know, it hurts so much, but there will be-- people will still care! Someone will.

[Undyne cared, from what Sans told her. He cared. People noticed, when she disappeared.

It was never what she expected it to be.]

I'll stay with you! No matter what. I'll-- I-I can be there!

[madamdirector]

[ She smiles, but it's tired, no real relief or hope in the expression. It's clear that she doesn't really believe what Alphys is saying. Why should she? No one else had stayed. No one else had been there. Not for the long haul, not when it counted.

And when they had been there, what had she done? She'd abandoned them in turn. Erased her friends' memories. Left Cam in Wonderland. She doesn't deserve loyalty from Alphys or anyone else. ]

Thank you, Alphys.

But you don't have to do that.

[roseofthetyrells]

[Hadriel is a wretched bitch of a locale. even at her best, Cersei Lannister could only hope to attain the heights Hadriel could obtain with barely a thought.

she may not be one of the ones Lucretia may have called for, but she's there regardless. to aid those in their time of need. and that is Margaery's purpose, put into place by a long lost love and cemented by another. whatever Lucretia may require, Margaery is here for. thank goodness her long exposure to the wiles of the so-called gods have left her largely unaffected by their actions.

she reaches out]

Lucretia. Take my hand and all will be well. I assure you of it.

[madamdirector]

[ Lucretia's on her knees, back bent, hands covering her face. She shakes her head, not looking up. ]

It's too late. It's too late, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry -

[ There are tears running down her face. Nothing's going to be well ever again, she knows it. ]

[roseofthetyrells]

[Margaery leans over her, hands hovering over Lucretia's shoulders, close enough to reach and touch the other woman easily, but far enough away to not leave her feeling crowded]

It's not too late. We're here, we're alive, we're as safe as we'll ever be. There's nothing to apologize for.

[she keeps her words pitched low and soothing, hoping to break through the grief]

[madamdirector]

We're not safe -

[ Is she insane? Lucretia's voice cracks on the word, and she stops, swallowing hard. There's a lump in her throat, and it hurts. ]

No one's safe. No one's ever going to be safe..

[roseofthetyrells]

[soothingly] We're as safe as we're ever going to be.

[she places a hand gently on Lucretia's shoulder]

I'm safe. You're safe, too, even if you don't feel that way right now.

[madamdirector]

[ "As safe as we're going to be" isn't exactly reassuring. Lucretia turns her head to look at Margaery, eyes wide and devastated. ]

I can't save them.

[roseofthetyrells]

[this is Hadriel. safety is never a guarantee]</small< Who? Who is it you're trying to save?

[madamdirector]

Everyone!

[ She rounds on her, snarling, frustrated and scared and lashing out in response to it all. ]

Don't you get it? Don't you see? It always fails. I always fail. I tried, I sacrificed, I almost died, but it's not enough. It's never enough.

I'm not - I'm not strong enough.