hadriel_logs | its a blacked out blur but i'm pretty sure it rocked

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its a blacked out blur but i'm pretty sure it rocked

Who: Connor & Some Party People. (Johnny Storm, Jack Benjamin, Cashmere - all separately although that sounds like a great party to be honest)
What: Connor offered drinks to people and now the time has come
Where: Delight's Bar
When: Various times between mid-October and now.
Warnings: Drinking to various ends. Will update as necessary.

Johnny Storm - October 10th

[ok so maybe hitting on someone as the first thing he did after getting to hadriel (okay, not first thing first there were the dragons) was maybe not the BEST idea Connor had ever had, but he really does feel like this was the good way of dealing with things that he was one hundred percent here for. and this guy was pretty cute so they can flirt a little bit, drink a little bit, forget dragons and if worse comes to worst johnny was apparently impervious to flame.

so it's a win-win all around, right?

he orders himself one very well deserved vodka and then waits for johnny to show up. when he does:]

You look even better in person.

Jack Benjamin - some time late October

[jack and connor had discussed some preferred coping methods and vodka, the real star of this show, was pretty high up on the list. being here was bad enough. finding that stupid photograph that belonged to uryuu was bad enough. he's been sitting on those feelings, trying not to acknowledge them, trying not to think about how much everything at home was completely messed up, and he finally decides to send jack a message to actually hang out.

vodka. vodka was absolutely a great idea. and if he gets started without jack, well, he's just that much closer to being wasted. and that sounds like its on everyone's agenda tonight.]

Does it ever get easier? Being here?

Cashmere - early November

[the parties were great and all but they were decidedly not alcohol. and in the mess of all these extra phoneless newcomers, connor decides he needs time away from it. he owed cashmere a drinking outing. he texts her and shows up at the appropriate time to the bar.]

Thoughts on all the new comers?

[when she gets there the first thing he launches into is absolutely gossip. they've got a lot of ground with everything that's happening.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[anytime he's here to help] I'd rather come back then...not.

The owner wasn't some kind of creepy axe murderer or anything, at least. [ha ha ha fuck] Congrats on the non-crazy find.

Coming back is okay. I have a bald spot now. [ SHE IS STILL SO PISSED ABOUT IT. FUCK THAT HOPE GUY. ]

I don't think there was any way I was going to find something crazier than you found. [ although... ] But a giant picture of myself is creepy in it's own way. Of all the stuff to come here. Did anything of yours show up?

Don't worry, your hair is still nice.

Yeah, I can see that. It's an oddly specific thing to bring in. [he shakes his head and takes a drink] Nothing that I found, at least. If you find some random law book in a tree months from now that's probably mine.

[ she smiles. she does have lovely hair. ]

Some good it would do you here, huh? [ a pause while she sips at her own drink. ] I guess it's probably heavy. You could throw it at someone.

[connor laughs]

There we go, my own special kind of weapon. "The power of torts compels you..."

I don't even know what torts are and I'm terrified. People better watch out for you and your heavy books.

[ but, back on the gossip: ] No one from your home showed up, right?

Nah, no one from my home. Although this blind lawyer from a world with places kind of like mine but with superheroes showed up and now he's sleeping on my couch.

[ensofar as the couch is indeed his. claiming ownership of his stuff in hadriel thats a bad sign]

Why? Did you get a long lost boyfriend?

Letting the blind guy sleep on the couch, that's generous. [ she's teasing. it is a whole lot nicer than leaving him to roam the city and get eaten. ]

No, but now I'm going to get my hopes up again. I looked for people but -- no one. It's been a long time since anyone I knew was here.

Did I mention the blind guy is really hot?

[#ulteriormotives #connorNO]

Better for them in the long run not to be in cave-hell, right? Who was here before?

Wait - hold on. Then why is he on your couch? [ come on, Connor.

she hesitates and then nods in agreement. there are people she thinks might be alright here, because like her it would be better than what's waiting at home. but overall? they're better off. ] The girl who killed me. It wasn't personal, or so I've been told.

Because I'm a nice guy and he needed a place to stay. The hotness is irrelevant, although beneficial.

[i mean its not like hes sleeping with the guy come on

hold up wait that other thing she said was way more important. he downs his drunk because every conversation about murder makes him want to die and then]

You were killed?

[ oh yeah did she forget to mention that earlier? hello my name is Cashmere and I was murdered on national television? 10/24, parents very unimpressed. ]

Mmmhmm. With an axe. [ somehow that sounds even more horrible without the backstory??? ] It's okay, I wanted to die. Just didn't want her to be the one that did it.

[ she glances at Connor, realizes that she has provided some very fucked up sparse details and maybe she shouldn't just let him keep imagining how horrible it gets. ] You don't have to hear the whole story. It's not a nice story.

Okay, we're going to need more alcohol.

[he grabs the bottle and pours them both out some more, and proceeds to drink most of what he pours.]

So you got literally axe-murdered. That's fucking horrifying. [he doesn't have to imagine what gruesome murder looks like. he can still see sam keatings body every time he goes to sleep.] Why did you want to die?

[ she raises her glass in a toast and downs some of it. ]

Because my brother was dead and I knew I would never be able to live without him. [ she says it in the same tone that one might say the sky is blue. it is just a fact to her. ] We knew we weren't going to make it. Not together. We'd already decided if we couldn't both walk out of the arena then neither one of us wanted to.

It was just one thrown axe to the chest, if that makes you feel better. Still all in one piece. I probably drowned.

Were you guys killing each other for sport?

[its the hunger games its literally the hunger games]

You don't have to -- it's not about me, you don't have to make me feel better about it. I'm sorry about your brother.

Yeah. There was a civil war in my country. The people versus our government. When we lost, they decided that - well - [ explaining is hard and and in the end she clears her throat and just begins to parrot the propaganda she's heard over and over for most of her life. it's clear she's imitating someone, even if he doesn't know who it is: ] each year, the various districts of Panem would offer up, in tribute, one young man and woman to fight to the death in a pageant of honor, courage and sacrifice. The lone victor, bathed in riches, would serve as a reminder of our generosity and our forgiveness. This is how we remember our past. This is how we safeguard our future.

[ she huffs and wishes she was drunker than she is. she's angrier than she is sad. the unfairness of it all still infuriates her. ] I was the lone victor when I was 18. But they made me - us go back. And that was that.

And thanks - about my brother. We were twins. I love him a lot.

And now you're stuck in a cave where gods eat emotions. You have awful luck.

[nevermind what she'd told him about eating the tainted meat and getting killed. connor had it bad back home, but cashmere undeniably had it worse. he feels sorry for her, but he's glad she sounds angry. anger is a lot better than sadness. anger was what kept him going sometimes - anger at annalise, anger at wes, anger at the whole group of them.]

Maybe he'll show up here one day. Then you can have awful luck together.

[ everything is terrible but his bluntness surprises her and she laughs so loudly that it feels inappropriate, and she covers her face with one hand. ]

My luck is so bad. It's terrible. I used it all up on not dying the first time and it's all been downhill since then. [ she gestures, a quick downward motion. ] I'll be lucky if I get home without tripping and breaking something. I might be the most unlucky asshole in this whole place. Except maybe those kids from the mountain.

[ Cash can't help but smile. ] You'd think he was really hot. He's about six-five, all muscle. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Obviously I'm the pretty one but he comes close.

Hey, you wanted to be queen of something, right? There you go.

[but ah, yes his favorite subject]

As beautiful as you but a guy? Now I really do hope he shows up.

[ she just needs a crown. technically, she has a crown, but that's for killing other kids, not for being the unluckiest bitch in the whole cave.

her smile widens now that they're talking about Gloss. ] He's mostly into women but you never know, maybe you'd be his type. Besides, it doesn't hurt to look. Plus he's funny, and smart, and kind, and strong. He's my favorite person.

[ and since they are headed in the direction of being nicely drunk, she pours herself a little more. ] I know you have a whole life back where you came from but I'm glad you're here, Connor. Mostly for my own sanity.

["nicely drunk" "#whitegirlwasted" but dang cashmere say stuff like that youre going to make him emotional]

Life back home kind of sucked, honestly. [beat.] Not as bad as yours did. Like I'm not saying Cavehell is a good alternative, but it is an alternative.

[ yea she's getting all soft these days, it's out of control. ]

Our lives are weird. [ honestly she's glad not everyone's home is like her's. It's oddly comforting to think that there are many places out there where children don't fight to the death and then have to smile pretty about it for the rest of their lives. ]

What's your home like?

[how does he even begin to explain this without using "normal" since her normal is obviously different from his normal]

Uh, well, I live in America, which is the greatest country in the world. [he says it with a fair amount of sarcasm. this is something asher would say seriously. connor maybe not so much] Right now I'm living in a big city going to law school. It's my first year - law school is generally three years so I assuming I don't get murdered in the mean time I should become a lawyer one day. Get to argue cases in front of judges to make sure people are treated fairly.

[he trails off and takes a drink. he tries to say it all like it's Not a Big Deal, which is to say It's A Big Deal. Connor really does have morals and believes in fixing the system he just tries to be a Cool Kid.]

For my world it's your typical law school experience, catty classmates, competition, [he chokes on a dark laugh. have i mentioned he's definitely going to get drunk faster than cashmere his tolerance is so low] occasional murder. You know, normal stuff.

[it's clearly not normal, and he's clearly not handling it, and slowly getting drunk is also not helping his ability to handle it.]

[ it all sounds kind of nice until he gets to the murder part. she catches the change in his tone, and her brow furrows. big city, cool. law school, cool. being a lawyer does sound important, so good job with that.

murder does not sound good in any context. ]

People get murdered in your school? [ she's just trying to wrap her head about that. at least when she killed somebody it was part for her own protection, part because she'd been trained to do it. but it's different when the murder's not supposed to happen. ] Did you - ?

[it doesn't matter what cashmere intends to ask, what he hears is did you murder someone and there are days he fights himself with every fiber of his being to say it wasn't his fault and sometimes he believes it. but mostly the guilt stays deep inside of his bones, waiting for any moment to be let out. waiting to escape and admit what he's done.

connor polishes off his glass and fills up another. his hands shake as he does it, just a little bit, but he manages not to spill anything. after this had come up with ishida, he'd had to talk to himself long and hard about how this was apparently a subject that was just going to come up in here cavehell. that apparently he was going to have to figure out how to deal with people talking about it without falling apart every single fucking time. but now that he's two or three (or four? he's losing count) drinks in, it's harder to remember that pep talk. it's harder to want to believe it.

because that's really the thing, isn't it? he's wanted so badly, so desperately to tell someone - anyone - what was going on with him. he'd almost told ollie, he wanted to go to the cops. at least asher knew now (was that a good thing?) but it wasn't the same as confessing. and the guilt? the guilt clawed its way out as hard as the anxiety did. they twisted together and pulled at him and he fought so hard even when he felt like he was drowning which was nearly all the time now. but he kept fighting even after sinclair and even after annalise was shot and he still remembers the feeling of the gun in his hands and how close he'd been even after everything, even after all of the self-hatred he had for participating the first time.

it hurt to think he could've been capable of it. but then again, guilt always said, you'd been capable from the moment you didn't go running to the police.]

It's complicated? [it shouldn't be a question, but he doesn't know how to tell it otherwise. like it didn't happen to him. like he can't explain it.] One of my professors, her husband... [the tension grows in his body and he can't look at cashmere. there's so much guilt and so much alcohol and he doesn't know if he's ready to do it anyway] He was killed? He died. He -- [his throat is too tight. this was supposed to be fun wasn't it? and she'd only just said she liked him and he didn't even have real friends back home. michaela. there was michaela. but only because they were all wrapped up in all of this. only because they'd cried together. but he'd somehow earned cashmere's approval on what? something strong enough to stand up to this?]

We hacked up his body, afterwards. Me included. I didn't kill him. [he tacks that part on lamely, like he's only just remembered he hadn't clarified. his words are starting to be a little slurred and it's equal parts nerves and the alcohol.] I didn't kill him but I didn't go to the cops and I didn't tell anyone and he wasn't the first one. And maybe if I had -- if I'd just turned everyone in then all of this would've stopped?

[he frowns, finally looking back over her. he laughs humorlessly] But I couldn't've, because they would've all turned against me and said it was me. Five against one. I'm too pretty to go to jail.

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