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hadriel_logs2016-12-10 11:33 am
save_theworld) wrote in hadriel_logs2016-12-10 11:33 am
Entry tags:
I'm not sure I've got the heart for this
Who: Asriel (alltozero ), Chara (somuchlove ), Frisk (save_theworld ), and Sans (skelebro )
What: A city-wide gremlin search leads to gremlin tears and a need for apple juice.
Where: One of the many tunnel entrances
When: Backdated to Nov 30th
Warnings: Gremlins, discussions of death, Sans is the adult in this log.
[Apparently even monsters have a limit on their patience. Frisk has been making do- making peace with their new lot in life; get up, eat, make lunch- get out before Asriel wakes. Come back when he's already in bed. It's not fun, it's probably not healthy; it's enough to make do and get by, skirting around the gaping absence in their lives and the questions they just can't answer.
One morning, Asriel beats them to the kitchen. As they peer over at him blearily, the little monster finally puts his foot down, sounding as authoritative (and distant) as possible as he says- no. As he tells them,]
We're going to look for Chara.
[Frisk doesn't argue. Best they can manage is a quick text to a certain skeleton, one who's already waiting outside the Spire upon their exit. And that's
That's it. A party of three, a few jokes that fall flat on their face, and a fruitless search across the city that's not leading to anything. They're not sure how to feel about this, but part of Frisk is hoping that they'll find Chara soon.
Part of them is hoping there's no one to find at all.]
alltozero ), Chara (somuchlove ), Frisk (save_theworld ), and Sans (skelebro )What: A city-wide gremlin search leads to gremlin tears and a need for apple juice.
Where: One of the many tunnel entrances
When: Backdated to Nov 30th
Warnings: Gremlins, discussions of death, Sans is the adult in this log.
[Apparently even monsters have a limit on their patience. Frisk has been making do- making peace with their new lot in life; get up, eat, make lunch- get out before Asriel wakes. Come back when he's already in bed. It's not fun, it's probably not healthy; it's enough to make do and get by, skirting around the gaping absence in their lives and the questions they just can't answer.
One morning, Asriel beats them to the kitchen. As they peer over at him blearily, the little monster finally puts his foot down, sounding as authoritative (and distant) as possible as he says- no. As he tells them,]
We're going to look for Chara.
[Frisk doesn't argue. Best they can manage is a quick text to a certain skeleton, one who's already waiting outside the Spire upon their exit. And that's
That's it. A party of three, a few jokes that fall flat on their face, and a fruitless search across the city that's not leading to anything. They're not sure how to feel about this, but part of Frisk is hoping that they'll find Chara soon.
Part of them is hoping there's no one to find at all.]
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Either way, he ain't blameless here. He taps out an idle game of Pong on his phone in the meantime, up until the point that Asriel and Frisk emerge from the Spire. He ends the game prematurely, pushes away from the wall he's propped himself up against, and eyes the pair of 'em evenly.]
All set?
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But he knows what he can do. And maybe doing is better than feeling, anyway.
He has nothing to say to Frisk. Nothing beyond instructions. Nothing to say to Sans, either, because he promised Chara would be back within a couple days, and they're still not here. Still, he nods, looks away. Have to get everyone moving, right?]
Let's go. We've waited around for long enough.
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It's very different. It's not his fault, really. It had been cruel before to hope that he was wrong, and it's still cruel now; those words have no place here. They make the first few uncertain steps forward, until Asriel catches on and takes the lead (it's his right), slowly shifting closer to Sans, and pushing something plastic into his pocket.
A little container with a familiar slice of butterscotch pie.]
...For Chara, when we find them.
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He pats his pocket reassuringly as he nods at the pair of 'em.]
Yeah. All right.
[Not a time to argue right now, he's pretty sure. Everyone's stretched thin enough as it is. He can sorta just...walk between 'em. He doubts things've been well and jolly for the both of 'em.]
Figure we should start over at Hope's and check around there. Once people come back, that's usually where they end up.
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(No, he only knows everything when it's not helpful to you, right?)
He lets his fangs worry at his lower lip, nods solemnly. At least they're doing something. That's what counts.]
...Sans...
[Doesn't even know why he's asking Sans. How would Sans have any way of knowing Chara, besides whatever amount of time they've both been in Hadriel? Asriel knows how long it takes Chara to open up to people. They probably barely know each other.
But... well, maybe he does know why he's asking Sans. Because he refuses to ask Frisk, right?]
Do you think Chara's not back yet because they went home? Or... or maybe Hope messed up? Or just... um, just forgot to wake them up?
[He's rambling a little, trying to list suggestions that are just silly little whoopsie-daisies, things that aren't anybody's fault. Good suggestions, because they sort of divert attention away from all the very bad possibilities he's thought about a million times over. Trying his best to fake like he's still cheerful and optimistic about this, like maybe looking for Chara is just a - a fun game! That's all! They're just playing hide-and-seek.]
I mean, I know Chara would never abandon me on purpose! We care about each other more than anything in the whole world. They'd never leave me all alone if they could help it.
[And back in the Underground, they couldn't help it. That was the only reason nobody answers when he called. Chara was special, but death isn't something you're supposed to be able to get better from. But... here, it's different. Here, they can come back. Right? That's what Sans said. And all Asriel has is Sans' word, ha ha, oh boy is that a terrifying thought to consider, but he can't lose Chara again, he'll even cling to the most unreliable promise-maker's word if it means he can hope he'll see Chara again.]
You don't think it's... because they're scared of Frisk, do you?
[He sort of blunders the question out without thinking about it. Or... maybe that's only what he tells himself. Only how he justifies something very Floweyish, something that's scared and lonely and hurt and wants someone else to feel bad too.]
jumps in to go again real quick
Heh, and he knows what it's like to have somebody you care about more than anyone else. Knows exactly what it's like, have a sibling you'd do anything for, even if the theory, for Sans, don't quite align with the practice.
A real shame.
So what's he got here? A reassuring lie and some vague speculation that could fall into the category of a truth, though really, he's so far outta his depth that there's no tellin' if it is.
He grins down at Asriel in a manner he hopes is at least somewhat consoling.]
Nah. I don't think they're scared of Frisk.
[That's the truth of it, he thinks. He don't think they're scared of Frisk.]
I'm not sure I can say I know 'em better than you two. [With the lift of a supraorbital ridge and the inclination of a skull in Frisk's direction, silent as they are.] But I think maybe - they're a little scared of how that demon made things turn out.
[That's the important modifier there; the demon. Not the kid.
But hey. This is him shootin' off in the dark, based in no small part on his own feelings on the matter. On how he'd feel if it were Papyrus, if his whole world was just up and gone and - yeah, he don't even have to imagine that there.]
Even if it's gone now, it might be they're worried it could happen again. And they end up hurtin' two people they care a whole lot about.
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They have nothing to say against it. It's not new, to be told they aren't a good child. That they've ruined something again. It's okay. He would have figured this all out eventually anyway. The only thing they really feel sorry about is the other Frisk; the one he really knows, who'll have to deal with how they've changed his mind about them, whenever he goes back to where he's from. If he ever goes back to where he's from.
They also think he's wrong. They also think Sans is right. Their opinion isn't wanted or necessary, but they have them anyway.]
They're not scared of me.
[Shouldn't be calling attention to themself. It's fine. Keep your chin up.]
They're not gone, either.
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[It's Floweyish of him. He snaps at them, because they can't know for sure that Chara's gone, because the only way to know for sure is to see them, and Chara would never visit someone else and hide from Asriel. Frisk probably barely knows Chara. All they'd know is that Asriel kept calling them that, right? All they'd know is a little snippet or two from a painful old story, a few glimpses of New Home. The Locket and Dagger were probably no more significant to them than any of the other mementos they equipped on their journey.
...He exhales. Looks at the ground.]
Sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.
[He's supposed to be more patient than this. It just... it feels like Chara's the only thing he can think about. How can anyone be calm or cheerful when it feels like the world has ended without them?
He just - he just has to keep looking.]
Chara would know that I'd still stick with them even if they hurt me. I'd never be mad at them for it. I'd die for Chara. They're my best friend. I just - I just want them back.
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The funny thing is that it seems like it's just as surprising to Asriel when it happens as it is to everyone else.]
I know, kiddo. I don't think they'd run 'cause of the two of you. They know you're their friends.
[They're not gone either, Frisk says firmly. Confidently. He wishes he could have their confidence, but hey, he ain't the one with metaspatiotemporal proclivities now, is he?]
Might be they think it's easier. Less of a problem for everyone if they stay gone. Maybe worried that comin' back might make both of you hurt a bit more, thinkin' about what happened. Ain't sayin' they're right, now, [he hastens to add, 'cause clearly they ain't. This ain't makin' things simpler for anyone.] Like I said, I don't know 'em nearly as well as you two do.
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[Hilarious how they're supposed to be the pacifist in all of this. The expression they put on is as level as any other, but their tone is cold. Because they do know, and he doesn't deserve to know how, but they do. They do; seemingly more than him, if he's going to act like this. Like letting Chara hurt him is an option.]
Letting them hurt you; that's cruel. Chara would never forgive themself. Why would you ever want them to live with that?
[Frisk didn't. And it was the right thing to do, no matter how much Asriel rails at them for it, no matter how angry he gets. Because once upon a time, a child fell into the Underground. They woke someone up, and together, they pretended to be a demon. Through dusty path after dusty path, they were never satisfied. Never happy. They both just wanted it to end.
It was the right thing to do, no matter what Asriel thinks. What would he know.
Except he apologizes anyway, like he knows it was out of bounds, and- Frisk purses their lips, looking to Sans with the faintest glimmer of impatience.]
Shortcut.
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But Frisk gets to act all uppity? Like they took the high road, like they understand Chara better than their sibling, their best friend, the person who took their SOUL? Who gave them the right? Why did he ever think they were -
He's just... he's just projecting again, maybe. Projecting his own hurt. He's just being sensitive. That's why he bites his tongue, just glares daggers down at the ground.
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.]
I'd rather be hurt than let Chara get hurt. They've suffered enough already. What isn't fair is to make them get hurt all over again.
If you know a shortcut, then let's take it, Sans.
[He says, forcing himself to pretend he doesn't know Sans can just wink to whatever point he wants to. Asriel wouldn't know. Only Flowey would know that.]
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He's too tired to argue, and he don't say a word. He keeps his hands tucked in his pockets as the kids bat their accusations back and forth, and he don't offer any warning. The trio of 'em just end up settin' foot outside Hope's temple, a seamless shift of scenery.
It's only then that he speaks up, and he sounds as weary as he feels.]
All the suffering in the world won't do a thing to make anyone feel better. Even if you're just takin' it on yourself.
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Haha. They're just tired. That's okay. That's okay in a way that Sans understands, and probably okay in a way that...that Asriel gets, as well. Tiny fumes of resentment snuff themselves out almost immediately, and sorry is poised on the tip of their tongue.
They never let it out. Asriel is about as willing to listen to them as anyone else is; understandable. The best thing they can do, they think, is find Chara. If they can find Chara, they can fix this. If they find Chara, then, perhaps, Asriel will no longer be obligated to put up with them at all.
Deviating away from their companions, Frisk nears the building, looking about. Hiding their fingers up their sleeves and taking a deep breath; calling out. It's barely a few decibels above a normal speaking tone, but it's loud enough. It's loud enough.
It's me, Chara. Despite everything.
The demon that comes when you call their name.]
Partner.
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The Demon is gone but the demons is here. Chara had been hopping between temples, keeping clear of Hope's temple for the first few days because that would be the first place someone would look when it became clear that it was taking far to long for them to revive. Asriel would look for them, as he did the days when they vanished after something happened. He knew where to look. Under the bed, in the places where they played Monsters and Humans because those were happy places and somebody said if you felt sad you should try and think about happy things.
It never worked. No matter how far you threw away your broken self it had to come back somewhere. But Chara remembered the day when they attempted to make a gift for Asgore and how angry Toriel had been and how this was it, the shoe had finally dropped and---
And. And someone was calling for them.
* It's you.
Again, Chara had been avoid Hope's temple. But as the days passed it felt like nobody was coming. That was fine. Frisk and Asriel got along, and they knew there was no way Frisk didn't gain LOVE from that. So if Chara was gone they didn't have to worry about the stain that could further blacken their SOUL. Because they were weak and gave up to that Demon that happened. And it's not like Sans would miss them either. They were responsible for Papyrus's death. Despite the steps their relationship had taken, it wasn't like that would fix it.
* Still...everyone came.
They had come here because they were wandering. A-and Chara can see all of them and it was likely they could see too, if they looked near the entrance. So they do the first thing that comes to mind.
Chara runs in the opposite direction as fast as they can.]
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(Partner? What does that mean?)
Asriel listens.
He listens because he knows Chara. He didn't always understand the why - why Chara hated humanity. Why loud noises would make them retreat inside themself. Why hugging and snuggling and grabbing and all the things he was used to doing as he pleased scared them, sometimes. But he did understand, at least, what to do. Learned that even good things like hugs should always involve permission, or they might not be so good after all. Learned to speak quieter and look for the hiding places and wait patiently until they were ready to uncurl.
He listens because if they're there, he expects them to run, and retreating feet are exactly what he hears.
He's gotten used, again, to having feet. He breaks into a frantic sprint, and it's not as clumsy as when he first arrived, though it's certainly far more desperate.]
Chara, wait! Please! Nobody's mad at you! I'm not mad!
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They don't give anyone time to react. They sprint. Asriel follows.
Sans reacts in fluid pull of motion that he don't mean to employ. It's reactionary, it's involuntary, and it's purely reflexive.
Oh no you don't.
Wait right there, kid.
You're grounded.]
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They have a few seconds in which to take a breath, to turn to Sans and wave a hand to gain his attention. Hey...]
Not helping.
[Please don't.]
cw mild panic attack
Wait. Wait for the moment he slams them against the ground or into temple or wherever else Sans may please. Because that's the only reason he would turn their SOUL blue, right? That's the only reason, right?! Can't risk that Demon still being inside them because the only reason it was able to get inside was because they were already one and he can't risk Papyrus getting hurt! It's fair. It's fine. They'll just.
Just...
They can't breathe. And even though Chara can still jump, still turn around to face Asriel, they don't. They don't move an inch.
* Don't move. Don't move and it'll be fine.
They can't stop.]
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They've... Chara's never experienced blue magic before, have they? Asriel wouldn't really know the sensation, not having anything at all to be turned blue in the first place, but he does know it's restricting. And he knows Chara doesn't like being grabbed, doesn't like things that hold them down - right?
Asriel stumbles to an ungraceful halt, circles around clumsily until he's in front of Chara.]
Chara, it's - it's okay. Everything's okay. That's blue magic. It doesn't hurt you. You can still move. Sans isn't gonna hurt you - none of us are gonna hurt you. We're not mad at you. Nobody's mad at you.
[He glances over their shoulder, throwing a pointed look over at Sans and Frisk.]
Right? Let Chara know you're not mad. They're not in trouble.
[They're not... nobody's going to punish them. Nobody's mad. Carefully, Asriel holds up his paws. Not grabbing, not demanding. Offering.]
You can still move if you want to. You can take my hands, if you feel like it.
I'll hold you here. The blue magic won't hurt you.
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Shouldn't've gone there. Shouldn't've done it. A mere reflex pulled at the corners of his mind, and now he's gettin' burned for it. He releases their SOUL at once, practically in the same moment Frisk gives him that look, and he - stops. Hangs back.
This ain't what he wants. This ain't what anyone wants.
And there's no fixin' it.
He draws the Tupperware outta his pocket and holds it out to Frisk.
Chara's a million times more likely to accept it from Frisk than they ever were from him.
He should never've let himself forget that. Even for a second.]
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Their tongue is glued to the top of their mouth; Asriel murmuring words and reassurances, and he's so calm about it all, so sure it's okay, and Chara's breathing is so fast and so loud (they don't need to look in their eyes, but Frisk can imagine the way they look like they're seeing nothing at all). Sans is...he didn't mean it. Sometimes it's just what Sans does; tries, and fails, and whenever that happens, he takes it as another reason why he shouldn't try at all.
The whole world is frozen like that, for a while. Look at it. Look at what you've done.
The whispery creak that comes out of there mouth was likely intended to be a word, it just doesn't really come. Frisk gives up on it, taking the container in one hand, gently plucking Sans' jacket with the other. They keep up the pressure on the fabric, gentle and insistent, and every step they take is a step he takes, as well. At least for a few steps. To make sure he's right there where Chara can see him, so Frisk is as well.]
...It's just us.
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But, ahaha, that's wrong isn't it? Those are the thoughts of someone who killed everybody in the Underground! Because those thoughts are Karma and you deserve exactly what you get. He should kill you! It's not like you haven't---
"The blue magic won't hurt you."
They blink and look up at Asriel. Asriel, dear Asriel, their best friend. The Monster who held the other half of their heart, the locket. His image was swimming but that was just a trick of the light because Chara wasn't crying. He could be considered a symbol of exactly why Chara should not be given anything but...Asriel was here.
The Fallen Child reaches for his paws, almost draws back but clutches them eventually. Slowly. And...
Their Partner was here too. The one who they narrated for, the one who shared a relationship with that was parasitic. Frisk was someone Chara wanted to protect, even if Hadriel had shown LV 20 meant nothing. They had both walked hand-in-hand down so many paths, so many deaths towards whatever End was in store for them. Frisk and Chara. Partners.
The Demon breathes as slowly as they can. Trying to cram themselves into the professional model that was expected of them.
And Sans was here too, and now that the blue was gone from their SOUL, Chara could take that. Someone who had ever right to hate them was here. They can't with good conscious call him a friend like he was in the other, less dusty timelines and likely Sans couldn't either. But...there was still that attempt. And when two kids decide to look for another, he didn't have to come along. But he did.
* Everyone did.
Chara squeezes Asriel's paws, probably to the point that it's painful. Breathe. Breathe. Don't cry. Big kids don't...they can't, they're not allowed...
They...say something, Chara.]
* It's...it's you...?
[* Regardless of how everyone felt...
* They all came.]
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But he doesn't need to understand, he thinks. It's enough just to have Chara. It's enough that they exist.
He knows they must be thinking something like "big kids don't cry," but already his vision is blurring under big, messy tears, and his snout is running. He sobs, hiccups, but he smiles from ear-to-ear. Doesn't dare let go to wipe his face.]
Everything is going to be okay, Chara. It's over. The scary parts are over. You're not alone anymore.
[And because Chara is here, neither is he.]
I-I thought you were gone! Don't do that to me ever again!! You - you can't run away from me like that, okay? I spent so long calling for you, I... I can't lose you again!!
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He derails that train at the station. Puts a nice big red X through that thought, scoring it out in scarlet like crayon over photographed faces. That ain't gonna help anybody. All the suffering in the world don't mean a thing, right? He can feel like shit about how he ain't helped these kids, how he's utterly failed to do so, how he's done more hurting than anything else, but it won't make any of 'em feel better and it sure as hell won't fix anything.
So he's right there beside Frisk, feelin' more and more like he don't belong here in the face of this reunion between people who must've missed each other. Who have a genuine right to miss each other.
And who's he, huh? Some judge who ain't needed. Some judge who screwed up one time too many, but who Frisk keeps comin' back for, time and time again.
He should say something, yeah?
So he does. Hands tucked in his pockets, skull bowed so he's starin' at a bit of floor a little way away from where Chara's crouched. They've seen him in states worse than this, weak and vulnerable. Still, don't mean he has the right to rub salt in the proverbial wound.
They've been through enough in recent times, haven't they?]
We missed you, kid.
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They hope that the smell is as happy and warm for Chara as it is for them.]
Still just us, Partner.
[Their lips twitch, but...they can't manage it. Looks like smiling really is impossible.]
Let's go home.
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And Chara can smell home and have to choke back their feelings even more. Asriel, dead. Toriel, dead. Asgore, always dies. After so many Continues, Chara was coming to believe that there was no path where Asgore lived. They were coming to believe there was no Happy Ending. All they had as evidence was the photograph in Sans' possession and that was countered by the one they possessed. One where everyone was smiling happily and one where their faces were blotted out by red crayon.
Still though...
" You're not alone anymore."
"We missed you, kid."
"Still just us, Partner."
* Yes.
* It's still me.]
...I'm sorry Asriel...! I'm sorry I ran a-away. I'm sorry, Partner. I-I'm sorry Sans...
['Sorry' isn't a magic word. No more magic than 'we love you' or anything of that sort, but they can't stop saying it. Because right now, it's neither the Fallen Child, the First Child, The Demon Who Comes When You Call Its Name.
They're Chara. Just Chara. Just a scared child.]
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[He might be sounding like a stuck record, but - but it's something he doesn't think Chara has heard enough. Life didn't give them near enough chances to know what "you're forgiven" feels like.
A long time ago, he heard Chara laugh like that, and wished that he could have been unaffected by Mom's anger and Dad's sickness like they were. Should have laughed it off like they did. Flowey sure did spend a lot of time laughing, cackling hideously at that fallen child, and he...
...If nothing else good came of his reawakening, at least it... at least it helped him understand Chara a little better than he did back then. For all the good hindsight ever did anyone, ha ha.]
You must be so tired. You don't have to push yourself anymore, Chara. You don't have to be alone.
[Frisk brought a gift. Sans helped them look. They've made some good friends here, haven't they? Asriel squeezes their hands gently, finally smiles at Frisk and Sans for the first time in - since Chara went away.]
For what it's worth... I'm sorry, too. I think we're all sorry we let you down.
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Chara lets themself break a bit, 'round the edges. No word games. No dancing around the subject. Just a litany of apologies, and the real marrow of the matter is that, yeah, he thinks they mean it. They mean it.]
It wasn't your fault, kiddo.
[And just for a moment, he lets his gaze slide over to Frisk. Hope that maybe they pick up on that he ain't just depositing a clean drape over the situation at large. The words are for both of 'em.
If two kids ever had to hear 'em, Chara and Frisk would.]
We know it wasn't.
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Chara apologizes. Asriel smiles at them, and they think- they think he must be a little too relieved to care, to look at them in such a way. Sans says it's okay, and Frisk almost blurts out that. I can leave.
Their gaze falls. Down to the pie; then down to their shoes. Holding the pie in one hand, Frisk wipes their face on their sleeve, just the once, before the moment's gone, and they can look up again with ease.]
I'm sorry. Couldn't let you hurt anyone.
[Does it constitute as a smile if it's painful?]
Knew you wouldn't want to.
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I-It's okay. I said yes to it. So...
[So they're not good at saying things when it feels like their emotions are about to shove them off a cliff. Chara always had a handle on their emotions but it appears that when you push them away, eventually it'll shove you right back.
But that's fine right now. It was just them now. Just Chara and their friends.]
* Everybody came.
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He lets his free paw fall down at his side, feeling sort of cold and empty and trying not to clench up. This isn't the time to be like that, Asriel. But still, even so, he can't hold back from at least one:]
It's not okay when you get hurt.
[Soft and sullen and sniffly, because they don't have to keep playing the sacrifice. But... just... let them be happy for now. Let Chara be happy.]
Of course we came, Chara. I missed you so much I didn't know what to do. No matter what happens or how scared you are, I... you can always come to me, Chara. Always. I'll always help you. Best friends forever, right?
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Wasn't a good situation for anybody.
[They can all agree on that much, at least. Sure, he ain't happy anyone had to die. But once you get yourself possessed -
He ain't sure there was anything left to be done at that point.
Still, the fact that it shook out the way it did sure as hell didn't bode well for anybody. Didn't help Frisk to get launched into LV 4. Didn't help Asriel to sob over his sibling's dead body.
Again.]It's over now. That's the important thing.
[Don't mean they aren't consequences. But there always are.]
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For a moment, they think about offering him their hand, too. Asking him, if he wants to go home. But they have to hold the pie, and they wouldn't really know how to respond if he didn't want that, anyway. Instead, maybe he'd really appreciate if they put their attention on Chara; if Chara was the one they spoke to, and gave the option of answering a question.]
Do you want to go home?
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And the world moved on. Sort of.
But that can be sorted out later when the tears dry up. The world can darn well wait for that much. Chara squeezes both hands in theirs and smiles.]
Yes. Let's go home.