You may tire of me as our December sun is setting.

[somuchlove]

Who: Chara and Asriel
What: So Chara's double killed the real Asriel and the real Chara got the Flowey spoiler dropped on them. Fun times! Now for a discussion.
Where: 01/26, after Asriel's been revived.
When: Somewhere between Hope's temple and the Spires.
Warnings: Heavy Undertale spoilers, possible references to suicide and death. The kids have not been having a good week.


[To say that no one enjoyed the previous event was a sever understatement.

In Chara's case they simply tried to not think about it, only to be met with the absolute failure that it had been. It wasn't so much the fighting that had been a complete wash, but the words and actions that had been inflicted onto them and those they loved. Something that drew them to * Please don't think about this anymore and the notebook and copies hastily stuffed in a drawer somewhere.

They were going to be good, in the end. For the sake of everyone they loved.

But thoughts like that are usually followed by thoughts of those Chara loved - and LOVED, but ahhaha no ERASE that and replace it with something productive. Go on a walk. Clear out those cobwebs.

And so they did. Chara only realized halfway that they were moving towards Hope's temple. From what they know, people who died where revived there and when the Fallen Child was not copying that notebook, they checked the temple. They stopped after meeting Alphys. But this time, Chara follows the dirty road until they--

See. Him. For a brief moment, Chara doesn't see Asriel but his double. That thing that twisted their Best Friend's appearance and spat out words that did not suit his face but that of a flower. The one that told Chara what their actions had doomed their one and only friend to.

It passes. But they can't speak for a moment.

That doesn't pass for a full minute. Chara doesn't have the Real Knife out. In their mind they could think they had so much LOVE that nothing could stop them, but that thinking was in line with their own double and no.]

Asriel.

[* Productive.]

Asriel!

[It's not a call for help. It's a call for their Best Friend.]

Comments

[alltozero]

[He has a long way to go until he's back home, and a lot to think about. What is he supposed to do now...? It's so hard to imagine what the future will look like. This would usually have been the point where Flowey would decide to Reset and start over.

Even in the very last timeline, he never thought about what it would be like to live with the truth. He spoke to Frisk knowing full well that they'd never see each other again after that. But now... there's no option to stay behind and take care of these flowers. There's no bowing out gracefully. His encounter with Sans inside of Hope's temple had made that clear.

It's funny, because he's just a little bit tempted to... ha ha, to follow in Chara's footsteps again. To try and run away. Just stay in Hope's temple forever, or something. But he knows that he can't do that. He knows he has to go home. That doesn't keep his steps from behind slow and heavy, though. Doesn't keep him from walking with his head bowed and his stare locked on his footpaws.

Then he hears them.

Chara.

Right away, his head snaps up, so quickly his ears flap ridiculously. It's... it's them. The real them. It has to be. He knew Chara would be waiting for him. He knew that they were the one person in the whole entire world who would make sure somebody came when he cried into the darkness. He knew they'd be there.]

Chara...!

[What a crybaby he is. His eyes are already stinging and his nose starting to run, and all he's done is look at them. He breaks into a run, desperate to chew up the distance between them, desperate to know they're really themself, desperate to try and snatch up one last little half-second of being with the person he loves most before he has to resign himself to owning up to the creature he really is.]

Chara, you're not... they didn't get you too, did they?

[somuchlove]

[There's the old comment about Asriel being a crybaby on the tip of their tongue but Chara swallows it. This time, at least, Asriel deserves to cry.

He may not see it, but Chara's hands curl, digging nails into flesh in an effort to not cry themselves. The Locket was still broken and not around their neck. They're sorry for breaking that Asriel. They're so sorry.

It takes another moment for Chara to respond. Their ability to lock-down their emotions was still shaky, even if they could push it if they really, really needed it. But despite old habits calling for them Chara knows that Asriel deserves better. They poisoned him enough by being a demon back in the Underground. Not again.]

They didn't Asriel. I...I survived.

[As much as Chara didn't want to, once the event was over. Wasn't as if the thought crossed their mind.

They try to say more, to ask if he was okay. But the only thing that comes out is a shaky voice.]

I'm...I'm so sorry Asriel. I'm sorry for what I did!

[Sorry for condemning to that hell as Flowey? For their double killing him? Both. Everything. They're sorry for everything they've done to him because they loved him!]

[alltozero]

[He wants to touch. Wants to hold them, wants to be held, wants to hug so tightly that it chases all this aching emptiness away completely. Wants to hold hands so he can prove he still has arms and legs, they're still real, he isn't a flower.

But Chara doesn't always like being grabbed suddenly. They're obviously being pulled taut by the strain of this already. Asriel doesn't want to do anything that will make this harder on them. They've suffered so much already.

So he hugs himself instead, shakes his head so hard his ears flop around.]

Chara, no, it's okay. I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad.

[It's always important to let them know that. He learned that much through the way they blame themself so easily. Through the way they go still when things go the slightest bit wrong, look to others with a rigid smile and held breath like they expect to be struck with explosive, unpredictable anger.]

I know that wasn't really you. I know you'd never, ever hurt me. Not on purpose. Not ever!

[Because that's all Chara means, right? They're sorry for what their double did, aren't they? And that's all that anyone knows about, all that anyone has to worry about?

Ha, ha. He's kidding himself, maybe. But god, does he want to believe that everything else is still a secret. That Chara can look at him and still see something likable, still see the things that made him their friend, still see what Asriel used to be. Not the awful thing he became.]

[somuchlove]

[Chara remembers the beginning, once they were well enough to get out of bed. Asriel was a child that liked to touch, grab and hold. Didn't know about those who flinched away, stiffened until it got to the point that Chara did snap "Don't touch me."

It wasn't his fault, and they don't blame Asriel for it. The important thing was that he asked instead of continuing to assume it was his right to touch them without permission. Learned from Chara's behavior when anger from an adult was brought into the equation, even if he may have not fully understood it and the Fallen Child never explained.

* Your best friend.
* Your dearest, best friend.

The friend that they doomed to an existence as a hateful flower. That flower who had run from them in terror and maybe, long ago, Chara would have been darkly amused to put fear back into a creature such as that. But now? No. God no. Please, no. Don't make them kill Asriel.

Please God, let Chara and Frisk Reset.

Don't make them hear Please don't kill me. again.]

I...scared you, back in the Underground. I terrified you. We took too much. He was right. They're all right.

[What happens to those you love Chara?

This. This is what happens.]

[alltozero]

Chara... what are you talking about? I'd never be scared of you. You're my best friend.

[Scared for them, sure. Scared with them, absolutely. But of them? Of the friend who made him laugh and played tricks with him and treated him like a real person instead of an infallible, untouchable prince? Of the friend he gave a locket to, the twin to the one he still wore now? The person who gave him hope, who gave everyone hope, who saw the defeated, bleak faces in the Underground and looked past the thin smiles they hid behind. The person who said "things can change," the person who said "you can be free!" Someone who proved that humans weren't just what the bitter portrayals in the history books made them out to be, who proved that humans were made of love and compassion too. Who proved that there were humans who wouldn't be scared because monsters looked different and were made different, humans who would love them with all their heart?

How could he ever be scared of a person as wonderful as Chara?]

I love you, Chara. I care about you more than anyone else. In fact, I...

[He bows his head, hugs himself tighter.]

Frisk may not have told you this, but I cared about you so much, I... I did some really terrible things, thinking they could keep you with me again. All this time, I blamed myself, not you, for the way the plan went. I lied to you. I told you that I was ready to do this. I kept bringing you flowers, kept telling you to keep suffering, until it was too late for you to do anything about it.

What I was scared of... it was never you. It was the humans who hurt us. Who taught us that it was kill or be killed. It was myself, because what kind of friend was I if I'd rather let you suffer that much than tell you the truth? You died because I didn't want to talk to you. You had to go see the faces of people you knew go ghastly and awful with rage, you had to feel them hit you over and over again, and you couldn't do anything about it - because I just went and pulled the rug out from under you. Because I didn't bother to tell you I couldn't hurt anyone, after I had already hurt you so much you... you were already dead!

After I woke up again, Chara, it was... it was all I could think about. That maybe you'd been right all along, that humanity really was awful. That the world outside the Underground really was a cruel place, and if I'd just... you'd still be with me if I'd figured it out sooner. If it was always going to end with someone killing six humans, then it should have been us. Your sacrifice was all for nothing, and now it was six kids like us instead of six grown-ups who had something bad to repent for, and now everyone had to suffer Underground for so long, and...

[He's babbling, isn't he? Just spitting out all these pent-up regrets in a messy, incoherent tide. Chara doesn't even KNOW he woke up after he died. Chara doesn't KNOW what he became. He can't - he shouldn't - if they know, they'll hate him. They'll never be his friend again. How could anyone love such a cruel, horrible person? How could anyone love something that can't truly love them back?]

[cw for child abuse]

[somuchlove]

[How can you love a creature like Chara?

Yes, they were the child who saw Asriel not as the Prince of the Underground but just another kid. Yes, Chara played games with him, teased him and received the Locket from him - the Locket that they were not wearing but had broken and hidden in their pocket like they tried with that picture. Yes the Fallen Child saw the bleakness in the Monsters in the Underground and said there was Hope. They knew that bleakness because it was the same they held before they fell.

But they were also the child who made a pie that was nothing but poison. They were the ones who asked their Best Friend for buttercups. They were the one who asked for trust, for no doubt. For things that were recorded on video tapes and stored away somewhere cold. They were the one that wanted to lash out at the villagers with their power and force Asriel to do something he never wanted to do.

And Chara should know better than anyone about how a scared child should be treated. Not forced to do something they didn't want to do but something else. Anything else. FIGHT. Why did you choose FIGHT Chara? Is that all they truly were capable of? Adults do these things because they love you. We do these things because we love you but a child shouldn't. Don't lash out. Be quiet. Be good.

Chara tries not to wince when Asriel says he loves them. Because this isn't about them. They're nothing but a spoiled brat if they think it's all about them. They know about Flowey. know what they doomed Asriel to.

"No wonder I think you aren't exactly the greatest person."

"You'd think everyone's learned by now, what happens to the people you claim to love"

They take a deep breath and rub their eyes.]

Asriel....you are not wrong about humans. We are dirty beings, rotten to the core. Frisk is the only exception I have found. But what happened was not your fault. Children like myself should not Fight.

[Be good Chara. Be good and we'll love you. You don't want to disappoint your Mother and Father, right? Be good, even though we shout. Be good, even though we may hurt you and leave bruises. Don't ever run away again Chara. Don't have those silly temper tantrums. Don't embarrass your parents or we'll have to punish you again.

After all, this is love, Chara.]

All I did was get you killed. And because of that, your Mother and Father...

[They don't have to - or want to - finish that sentence. Instead they pull away, wrap their arms around themselves tightly. Close themself off. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine--]

....I met your double, Asriel. And he...told me about Flowey. But that changes nothing. I still care about you. I still wish to be your friend.

[Even though Chara can't say it as well as they wish to, they'll always love Asriel in their own way. Best Friends Forever. Asriel was the first person who saw a broken child and offered a hand. That will never change.

However...]

But I also wish to tell you a story Asriel. About a child. If you are willing to hear it.

[It has yet to have an ending. But Chara has to tell it.]

[alltozero]

Chara, that's - I know you never meant for things to end that way. I know you didn't want me to get hurt. We both wanted to free everyone, remember? We wanted to do the right thing. Let monsters go free. Be the kind of monarchs who save their people, instead of letting them languish in their sorrows.

["We'll be strong! We'll free everyone. And we'll do it together, right?"

His words, not Chara's.

He wouldn't have said it, if he hadn't believed in freeing everyone. If he hadn't been thinking, too, that someday his parents would pass the throne to him. Him and Chara. Siblings aren't supposed to rule together, but ideas like marrying or having an heir seemed so distant, and he - he'd always been terrified at the thought of having to do it alone. Chara was so much better at it, too. More like Mom. Able to recognize that you have to make hard choices sometimes. Able to recognize that there isn't always an answer where everyone is happy and nobody gets hurt.

Not even Frisk had been able to pull that off. Six kids still had to die.

(...Eight kids.)

He'd known, too. If he didn't have a kid, he'd live forever. Humans didn't live forever. Someday, Chara would die, and they'd go away forever, and Asriel would never be able to reach them. Someone else would take their SOUL and use it to cross the barrier. They both knew that. They both knew a monster would have to absorb human SOULs.

If it was him, then he could be with Chara forever. If it was him, he could prove he was the prince everyone expected him to be. He could solve all his subjects' problems, all those confusing whispers about the economy and overcrowding and homelessness and falling down - freedom would fix all of it.

If it was him, then he could keep Chara safe.

Isn't that selfish? "I'm doing this to keep them with me forever," he'd remind himself. They were too sick to get out of bed at all. So sick that Asriel had to roll them over if they got ill, or they might choke, and they deserved a cleaner, prettier, nicer death than that. So sick that he couldn't lie and say they were forcing him to keep picking buttercups and feeding them to Chara, one by one. They couldn't do anything about it if he stopped.

But he didn't stop. Didn't whisper "I don't like this plan anymore" until that radiant red soul was flickering out of their chest. Because they were going to be heroes, and they were going to be together forever. That was more important than making sure Chara didn't have to suffer, right? It only stopped being more important when Asriel was suffering, too.

Selfish.

Maybe that's why Chara can claim they'd love Flowey, too. They'd always known that Asriel was selfish, deep down. That Asriel was the kind of person who could watch somebody else in terrible pain, and just... let it happen. That Asriel was the kind of friend who would make sure a good person like Frisk knew that he did the right thing, that he was sorry, that he was their friend, that Flowey wasn't really him. But Chara...? Chara, on the other hand... Frisk only needs to know the worst parts of Chara. Needs to know why they climbed the mountain, as if their reason proves they're bad. (But why did YOU climb the mountain, Frisk?) As if saying they hate humanity without mentioning the kind of thoughtless cruelty he'd seen from those villagers was at all fair, as if being familiar with those kind of people and resenting them proves they're bad. (But the "kill or be killed" mentality he learned from meeting those humans didn't make HIM bad, did it?)

As if that's not enough, well, Chara's not really the greatest person, right? Someone has to be at fault, and Flowey's not around anymore. Frisk has to like him. Frisk can't think he did anything bad. Frisk's really the greatest person, aren't they?

He pokes his claws into his sleeves, curls them around the fabric.

He should let them speak. It's not fair that his words are the only ones anyone gets to hear.]

You know I'll always listen to you, Chara. Please, go ahead.

1/2 cw: suicidal ideation

[somuchlove]

[There was a reason that Chara had chosen buttercups. The first time had gone terribly and wonderfully at the same time. They had not succeeded at ending their life, and the rage when Chara had woken up at the bottom of the hole would have fueled the God here for years. There was no courage that needed to be screwed up to take a walk up the mountain, no note left behind on a desk in a tiny room. That was the last time Chara ran away from home. That was the last time they would walk alone somewhere. They knew what would happen if they stayed in that home. It may be an accident on their half, but the end result would have been the same: Chara would have died.

But when they decided on it, the world cheated them out of what they wanted. On the other hand, however, it lead Chara to Asriel, Toriel and Asgore. It lead them to warmth. It lead them to the Monsters of the Underground, beings that had also been despised by humans and sealed away behind the Barrier.

When it came time to put their plan into action, Chara had chosen buttercups. Certainly they knew what would happen, seen it when they gave Asgore that pie. They knew what they were in for once Asriel started feeding the flowers to them. But that’s what Chara wanted. A clean, peaceful death was never going to be for them. And if the world was going to refuse to give them what they wanted, Chara was going to claw their way to it.

...but that’s not all of it. Chara wanted to die. That would never go away. Despite the Dreemurr’s best efforts, that desire would never let go. So it would have been easy to get their SOUL any other way. But Chara did not want them to blame themselves for failing in that regard. It’s not your fault if a child gets sick, after all. It’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourselves, it’s not your fault.

Chara had entertained the idea of being with of being with Asriel forever. But at the end of the day, they were human. Selfish. Dirty.

LOVE.

Someone has to be at fault. May as well make it them. It’s fine to demonize Chara.
They’re the demon that comes when people call its name.]

I know Asriel. And before I tell you this story, I want you to know I care deeply about you. You are my brother, Asriel, regardless of your form. You alone were the one who came when I called for help.

[He’s the one who can make the final decision regarding this.]

cw continues

[somuchlove]

[And so, they take a deep breath. Tighten their grip on themself. You know what’s coming Chara. Can’t say it’ll be okay. It’s not okay. They learned that a long time ago.]

Once upon a time, a child fell.

[Some of this Asriel knows. It’s a story that’s been told over and over. Maybe not using Chara’s name, but it’s obvious who it’s about. ‘A child falls and a Monster hears their call.’

But it’s a little different. They are not going to put Frisk in the line of fire]

A child falls and is saved. And then they die. They wake again when someone stands on their grave.

[It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt because they’re going to have to tell Asriel they were there. All that time, stuck as the narrator in their Partner’s mind. Observations. Haven’t heard Asriel call for help. Haven’t figured out that Flowey was their Best Friend. Can’t Save Frisk, can’t Save Asriel. Nobody.
Chara isn’t good at Saving anyone. Nobody. Children are like knives and they never go out unarmed.]

The child did many things that amounted to nothing. Met many people over and over. But one day, the child hears a voice that isn’t their own.

[Don’t stop, don’t stop. Never stop. What happens will be your punishment. That’s what happens to bad kids when they misbehave.]

That voice asked...”What if we were not good all the time?” What if we...what if we hurt others? “Kill or be killed.”

What if we did that?

[Deep breath.]

So the one who once slept in the dirt took over. They took away a child’s kindness and turned it into something twisted. And so they Continued until they met...until they met...a-a flower.

[Chara has to turn away from Asriel to continue the story. Hug themselves tighter and tighter. It’s not how the story goes but they know it. It’s fine. It’s fine. They’re an awful, selfish child. It’s fine to hate them. It’s fine to demonize them. It’s okay. It’s okay.]

He realized what the creature was. And so...he became afraid of them. They were nothing but a demon.

I-I’m sorry Asriel. But I’m not better than you.

[LV 20. There is no ignoring their sins.]

[alltozero]

What... Chara, what are you saying? I don't understand.

I never... I didn't recognize you. Frisk killed a lot of people, but that never made me scared of them.

[They were... there? They couldn't be there. What they were describing didn't happen. He doesn't remember that happening at all.]

How did you... how did you wake up?

Did you hear me calling you?

[Ha. That's wishful thinking, and he knows it is. If him calling had been enough, then they would have come back to him ages and ages ago. But they mention their grave, and that confirms something he suspected, but never got told. Mom never explained, thought it would be better for him if he didn't think about Chara anymore. (She had no pictures of them anywhere in the house. She never spoke about them. What's the point of a golden flower in your room or chocolate in the fridge if you never say their name, never have their face anywhere, act like they don't exist?)

Dad never let him into the basement. Too ashamed of what he'd done to show him the souls, no matter what he tried. He would never have the stomach to look inside of that coffin, anyway. So he lingered near that neat rectangular plot of golden flowers, right where Chara once fell. The one Toriel visited every day, like clockwork. The one Toriel tended to meticulously, even if gardening wasn't her strong suit.]

...She must have taken you away when she left. Tried to give you a proper burial. Better than hanging out in that basement forever, right?

But then... why Frisk?

[A red SOUL? A bit of a surface resemblance? Aside from their fashion choices, they really weren't alike at all, were they? (They sort of were, but he felt so horrible for the way he'd erased Frisk, imposed another identity onto them, that he had to push hard, had to make sure Frisk felt good about being Frisk.) Why wake up for Frisk, but not for him?]

Why didn't you ever say anything? Why didn't you tell me you were there?

[You've done well. See you soon, Chara.

Chara... do you know why I'm doing this? Why I keep fighting to keep you around?

I'm doing this... because you're special, Chara. You're the only one that understands me. You're the only one who's any fun to play with anymore. No... that's not just it. I... I... I'm doing this because I care about you, Chara! I care about you more than anybody else!

And he'd felt it, hadn't he? A love so overwhelming and pure and devoted that it rattled his empty, lost heart to its very core. He'd felt that the human standing in front of him cared about him more than anyone else, too. And yet... they'd said nothing.

I'm not ready for this to end. I'm not ready for you to leave. I'm not ready to say goodbye to someone like you again... He'd begged. He'd poured out everything he'd had. He wanted this more than anything. He didn't care if it was right or wrong. He didn't care about freeing monsters or killing monsters. He just wanted Chara. He just wanted to be loved, and love someone in return.

Chara...

I'm so alone, Chara...

I'm so afraid, Chara...

Chara, I...

I...]

I'm so sorry.

I... gave up on you, Chara, didn't I? You must have heard everything I said.

[They were listening when he said they weren't there. They didn't answer. They didn't tell him he was wrong. They didn't laugh when he said he was always a crybaby. He went right back to that patch of flowers that he suspected meant something. He stood right there, right over them, and he told Frisk...]

I... I... hurt you really bad, didn't I? I did everything I did to Frisk to you, too, and then I... then I told them you were...

[He's not just sniffling. The tears are running hot through his fur, and the sobs are starting to come in big heaving hiccups that he can't suppress, no matter how much he tries. He really doesn't have any compassion at all. He really is just as bad as Flowey. He said all those horrible things, right to their face! After they worked so hard to finally do what they set out to do all those years ago, even with Flowey getting in their way! After they...

It wasn't just Frisk who SAVED him, was it? That love he felt... it... of course a near-stranger couldn't possibly feel that strongly about someone they knew nothing about, right? It was...

They weren't gone at all.

He called for help, and they came.]

[somuchlove]

I did not hear anything.

[That's what it all comes down to. And with their back to Asriel, Chara can have any expression on their face that they want. They can make believe that their shoulders aren't shaking and that hot tears are not sliding down their face. That they could still make fun of Asriel for being a crybaby when the truth was that Chara cried more than he did.

They tighten their grip on themselves and dig their heels in. Flowey and Asriel. They were the consequences of Chara's actions but what should had befallen a wretched child fell to someone else. Chara should be the one standing over a grave, slinging bullets at a child who had fallen in the Underground. They should have been the one who lost their SOUL.

You are not above the consequences. But why did the consequences not fall on the one who deserved it the most?]

You read every book as Flowey and burned every book. Loved and LOVED them. "Kill or be Killed".

[They're not sure if their tears have turned into oil by this point. It hurts either way.]

I found my double after they killed you and they spoke about you. "Please don't kill me.", "You have a sick sense of humor!". The Flowey I remember told me to get away from him. And I am just a parasite on Frisk's mind. I can influence them.

[Which is a bold-faced lie. But Chara knows the relationship between Frisk and Asriel was shaky already. So, as not to make it worse, they'll be a demon everyone can agree on.]

I have seen no happy ending. I do not deserve one. You may have called for help, Asriel...but only a demon came.

[alltozero]

You're not a demon. I... you saw the things I warped myself into. I'd know a demon if I saw one, right?

[He must be a demon, too. A cobbled-together mass made of raw flesh and thorns and machinery, or a prismatic-winged, fanged monstrosity made of sharp edges and a face that grinned like a skull. A leering, taunting, unfeeling creature that called itself a god. If that isn't a demon, then what is?

...He knew Chara would understand when nobody else would. He knew Chara would comprehend what it's like to feel so abnormal, unnatural, and defective you don't even think you're a monster anymore. Or... or a human anymore. How painful this kind of sympathy can be.]

You're my best friend. You're a person who overcame death to fulfill your promises. You're a person who let me remember what it feels like when somebody cares about you. Nothing that you've done, Chara... nothing could be worse than the things Flowey sank to.

[He's sure of that. He spent so many timelines inventing new ways to coax novel reactions out of people. He was downright sadistic in the things he tried, all just for the sake of something new to watch. He erased the entire underground, just to replace it with a little pocket of nothingness where he could save over "Chara's" (Frisk's and Chara's, it turns out, god) death a million times. He used all their friendships against them, just to snatch all their friends out from under them, and lay the blame on them for making people care about them. Even in the timeline where they saw the best in everyone, he was still awful.]

Whatever you deserve, Chara, I deserve it too. I don't care what kind of fate it leads to, I... I can't imagine an ending where you go somewhere I can't follow.

[All this time, and he's still not ready to say goodbye. Still not ready for them to leave.]

Could... um, you can say no. I'll understand. But could...?

[They're not looking at him. Their back is to him. But he doesn't really know how to ask it, anymore. Not after all this time. He just stretches out his arms, reaches for them uncertainly. Wipes his face on his sleeve, and hopes and hopes that isn't so gross that a hug sounds like the most repulsive experience in the universe.]

I don't want to let you go, Chara. No matter what we are, now, I still don't want you to drift out of my reach.