save_theworld: (❤ lost and found laying low)
⚹Determined. ([personal profile] save_theworld) wrote in [community profile] hadriel_logs2017-03-13 03:00 am
Entry tags:

Be yourself when you're holding on

Who: Frisk and concerned parties
What: Turns out being grounded sucks. Whodathunk.
Where: The dadgore household
When: March 9th to 15th
Warnings: Warnings in comment headers, most like!

[Asgore had never struck them as the strict type, but they suppose attempting to erase themselves from existence was the point where he had to put his foot down. He'd seemed rather glad that they hadn't protested being taken to their new abode rather than the apartment- really, he'd had nothing to worry about.

Frisk is never going back there. The likelihood that Chara would even consider it was moot. It's funny, how quickly home stops being home, when it's no longer yours anymore. No longer safe. No longer private.

They put stained, dirty pictures up on their walls, and hide torn up photographs in their bottom drawer. Their single shirt gets hung up in the wardrobe.

And then they wait. No one said they have to stay in their room; but they do have to stay inside the house, and if they have to stay here, then... they want to be alone. Chara understands. They think, maybe, Asriel understands, too. And Asgore, he-

He never lets them go hungry, haha.

...So then the only problem, really, is figuring out what they're supposed to do with all this time.

Days later, Frisk still hasn't figured it out.]
circumitus: Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows. (i hate your face)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-18 09:33 am (UTC)(link)
One could easily expect a whole spectrum of emotions walking into this. It's a touchy subject, and thus it is generally met with a rather touchy reaction.

The first reaction some would have had is anger. Yelling. Lashing out, both physically and verbally.

If it's anything Rey has to go by from her own experiences, it's how least helpful that is. Because it's what you expect. What you want. Just more reasons to hide into yourself. To justify why you did what you did.

So maybe she's learned a thing or two from her brother about this sort of shit.

"Hey," she says right back, with any hint of judgment or ire absent from her tone as she stands there, rigid as a stone.

Well, Frisk. Got something to say for yourself? An excuse, maybe?

Like Rey is one to talk.
circumitus: (her comfort is the gun)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-19 11:57 pm (UTC)(link)
There really are no words, is there? Nothing can be done to change the past, and she's sure that they have people looking after their future. But right now...

Right now, this is just fucked up.

Without an utterance of warning, she steps forward. Not ready to strike Frisk down but scoop them off their feet into a bear hug with solid, muscled arms.

"Even if you don't want to be, I'm glad you're still here," she says, voice softer than she tends to allow it. Rey isn't going to berate them, ask them why, because she knows why. She's done the same thing, and she had succeeded, only to be brought back against her will and suffer all over again.

All she wanted was to disappear. Take herself out of the equation. Save everyone else the hassle...

Except that there's nothing noble or selfless about it. She just wanted it to stop hurting so damned much. Not be afraid.

You have only yourself to blame.
circumitus: Send help. (epic night begins.)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-20 03:50 am (UTC)(link)
Once it's clear that she isn't about to be met with any sort of resistance, Rey's hold is not so tight and constricting. Frisk returning the gesture is more helpful, considering how Rey had just acted without thinking the second she scooped the child off the ground. She doesn't even know why. To keep them from running away?

Maybe this is just as much for herself as it is for them. Some reconciliation for her own very similar mistakes, made long before coming here. That shadow still follows her, and it'll keep following her. She just has to keep telling herself something...

"It's okay. It's going to be okay."

Surprisingly, it isn't mere words. She means it. It might not be okay for anyone else, but to Rey? She's been down this self-destructive road. Keeps having to catch herself from tripping every now and then. It's just that she wouldn't be able to alone. Because she isn't alone anymore.

And neither is Frisk, if the search effort has been any indicator.
circumitus: She literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me. (tomorrow never knows)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-20 04:24 pm (UTC)(link)
The fact that she doesn't clam up or tire, that she has carried things that are three-- four-- more times the weight of this child, helps. She doesn't cramp or strain in the slightest after a few minutes. Is more than capable of supporting Frisk while standing, and has her own lack of wavering to show for it.

She might not eminate such a sweet scent that Frisk is used to. More metallic, like blood or sulfur, or a mixture of both. That hardly matters; it's what she's always known. And the peppermint smell that always lingered around her father makes the stark contrasts all the more welcome.

Not him. She is not him.

There is only one reason she moves to sit down, sinking into the cushion of a seat in the lounge area. Not to remove the child, but just to allow them all the time they need. She is in no hurry to dispose of them, neither is she rushing to leave anytime soon.

"It's okay," she says again, resting a hand over the back of their head. She does not wish the lull them with false comforts of You're a good person, because Rey knows she struggles with those words, herself.

Instead, she just goes with what she knows.

"If it's all the same to you, I'd like it if you stick around. Pretty sure I'm not the only one."
circumitus: Why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed? (threw a jar of pickles at a police car)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-20 09:44 pm (UTC)(link)
There were never any reference points in personal history for Rey to draw what norms there are to affection. She was never a real child, and what various memories of a childhood she did have didn't consist of very many happy moments. No parent or guardian figure to come to her after a horrible nightmare. No one to hold her or take her hand when she was scared. The closest thing Rey -- herself, not the fabricated yarns coded into her mind -- had to a familial bond was the woman who made her, and even then they were separated by walls, preventing any sort of physical contact between the two. Even if there had, the thing she was back then wouldn't have understood the significance of such a gesture.

So then, where is this coming from? Some things she could have picked up from the family she has acquired here, but she's​ felt this even before her arrival.

This pain will help you.

She is wrenched back when Frisk speaks. First an utterance, then some vague sense of coherent words. And then Rey, maybe inappropriately, scoffs.

"Yes, well, I was supposed to die a long time ago. Sometimes shit doesn't work out like they're 'supposed' to."

The words supposed to come out with a hint of scorn to them.

Fuck. It's like talking to a smaller version of herself.
circumitus: got messy. (i did a shot of seamonkeys)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-24 03:38 am (UTC)(link)
Whatever 'it' is matters very little to Rey. It could be a hot diamond up the devil's asshole for all she cares -- all she can feel is relief.

And, in one swift moment, she can understand her brother a little better. Why he flinched the way he did when she was near him, afraid of what she might do with the gun at his hip or the cooking knife in his hand. (There was a reason he kept her out of the kitchen.)

She wanted to make herself disappear for good, too.

"Good. It better stay gone," she says, unrepentant for the finality of her words or the hypocrisy of how she feels about the whole thing.

Because this is different. She doesn't know how it is yet, but it just is.

And then, she adds, "I don't like people fucking with my memories -- let alone erasing them."

It's something of a sore spot for her. Granted the memories were never erased, just... locked away.
circumitus: (her comfort is the gun)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-25 06:33 pm (UTC)(link)
This time, it's not okay. Rey isn't going to tell them otherwise... but she isn't about to tell them what she really thinks. The answer is probably written all over her face and in the tone of her voice upon the last thing she said, anyway.

Some things are just better off unsaid, no matter how obvious they might be.

"He does seem to care about you. Got really worried when he was asking people for help when you two went off to that place." She stops, thinks for a moment. "Just saying. Not going to pretend to know what's going on between the two of you."

And she isn't going to ask what, either. That's for Frisk and Sans to decide whether or not they want to divulge. Same with how much information Frisk feels comfortable sharing with Rey. These things can take a while.
circumitus: Just remembered. (i woke up in the shower this morning)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-27 03:58 am (UTC)(link)
Despite the seriousness of her previous few responses, Rey places a hand over the crown of Frisk's head. It's supposed to be a reassuring gesture. Comforting. Or something.

"Sometimes, people say things they don't mean, or they do mean them but they feel sorry they did. Doesn't mean you can't be forgiven, though."

Forgiveness is easier said than done -- but it is easier than forgiving yourself. Rey knows she's said and done a lot of things that she's regretted, and yet somehow has found that those she's hurt had stuck around longer than she expected them to.

People are strange.
circumitus: We know how you feel. (kid you're lost in the wheel)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-30 03:44 am (UTC)(link)
In a way, Frisk seems to be starting to get what Rey meant at the bridge, about how she isn't the one they should be saying sorry to. Not just Sans, but people who would miss them. People who care about you enough to want you alive.

Sadly, Rey learned about this the hard way. She's still having a bit of a difficult learning curve with the idea.

"If you mean it, then you should."
circumitus: There's my chippy! (where's my chippy?)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-31 02:44 am (UTC)(link)
Rey nods. This is turning out better than she was expecting it to. But then, she didn't have much expectations for how this would go, given Frisk's mental and emotional state and how they acted in recent events. "Always found that it's a good place to start."

She pauses then, trying to weigh out all of the more graceful ways she could go about saying this thing. Until she decides that there is none. Not with this.

"Why did you want to die in the first place?"

Blunt as ever.
circumitus: (503): forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you (i wanna bring you to show and tell)

sob, i feel like this whole thread is a content warning. 8(

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-03-31 04:38 pm (UTC)(link)
For many people, the thought is inconceivable -- even for those who might have entertained it once or twice in passing. No doubt everyone has, at some point in their miserable loves, had that thought. 'What would it be like if I ceased to exist?'

Everyone thinks it. And there is always a number that actually makes good on it.

Rey herself had been one of those numbers.

pull the trigger make it end leave this world fall forever

"A lot of people were never supposed to be born. Try again," Rey says bluntly, but not without some level of sympathy. To her, it isn't much different from the fact that she was supposed to be someone else. Something else. A useful thing.

But what she was supposed to be was never clear before. Her mother seemed to have wanted a life for her. Her father was afraid, just like everyone else on the project board; even went so far as to file the orders for her termination himself. She simply wasn't supposed to be.

Yet here she is. Just like Frisk.

So fuck what they're supposed to be.
circumitus: You owe me waffles (sunrise bitch.)

[personal profile] circumitus 2017-04-01 08:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Regardless of how it's taken, it's more important to Rey to speak truths as plainly as possible. Not to pretty it up with sugary words of promises that can't be guarenteed, or feel-good bullshit that aren't likely to mend the shattered pieces.

Something Bianca had told her not long ago comes to mind then. Kintsugi, the method of repairing broken things with gold, so that its flaws are made more beautiful instead of hidden. Rey has heard of it before, only in passing, but it seems very appropriate to many stuck in this place. A population of broken people.

"Then they're assholes and full of shit." Just as direct as before, but no less understanding. "No one asks to be born, and it isn't your fault that you exist in the first place."

It isn't your fault. Those are words to live by, even if Rey has a hard time believing them, herself. She could blame the people who made her for everything that's happened, but it's always been easier to blame herself than condemn the woman who helped bring her into this world. Who died when it should have been her.

Life just isn't fair.

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