hadriel_logs | Guilty feet have got no rhythm [closed]

Entry tags:

Guilty feet have got no rhythm [closed]

Who: Monster Mash (

murderpotato), Dat Ass (

ishotyouuu), and the Wonder Twins (

pocketspa and

restinglichface)
What: Gren worked up the balls to ask our friendly neighborhood Deadpool out on a date during the Stepford event and now he has to pay up
Where: The former Telltale Swag Pad, now the Den of Alcoholism
When: No time like the goddamn present
Warnings: Several potty mouths, and hey maybe somebody's gettin' laid tonight yoooooooo

Once upon a time, a couple of asshole gods made a whole murdercave think that they really lived in a little pleasant town in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. During that time, a certain murderpotato had played a game of pool with a certain recovering cancer patient, and instead of asking for money when he won, he asked for a date. Dinner or something, he'd said, like an asshole.

Because now it's time to pay the piper, and Gren is standing in his kitchen with the mounting realization that he has no fucking clue how to cook.

Up until now, Gren has mainly survived on whiskey and anything that doesn't require much preparation other than maybe heating up a bit, and he has the feeling that a bottle of Jack and some fucking grilled cheeses are not going to make a very good impression. And, like... he wants this to work out okay? He doesn't really do the whole dating game but he kind of gives a fuck about what Wade thinks of him. Gren would really rather have him walk out of this situation thinking better of him than when he went into it.

The crux of the matter, though, is basically that Gren can barely be trusted to do more than boil water and he has a fucking date coming in a few hours, he has reached DEFCON 1. There is only one thing that he can think of to do.

He sends a text to the weird skeleton lady that knows how to cook.

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[Gren has either made the very best choice or the very worst mistake of his life tonight in contacting the twins for help. Only time will tell!

After hashing out the details of the evening and running over a list of just everything they'll be serving for this very impromptu romantic dinner for two, the twins loaded up their supplies and headed straight over to Gren's love shack, Taako just slightly more encumbered than Lup for the walk over. Hey, she currently doesn't have any physical hands, so it isn't at all her fault she can't help carry things.

Even if neither of the two know Gren very well, there's no hesitation on Lup's part before she's simply phasing through the front door into the man's home, not bothering to pause and open it for her brother behind her.] Hold the applause. We're here to crush this dinner date. You can thank us profusely after.

[Oh, it's a fucking mistake, absolutely no doubt.

Honestly, Taako's here mostly because Lup needed a pack mule, but frankly he'd have begged her to come even if he wasn't technically invited (on virtue of Lup being invited, and therefore, Taako's automatically allowed). This sounds like it's going to be a disaster any way you slice it, and as far as he's concerned, he's the gay expert of the cave, so he's gotta be here. Natch.

Meanwhile, Taako can be found behind the front door, kicking it with his foot, his arms already occupied.]

Lup, I know you have at least one hand, come on!

[He'd conjure his own Mage Hand, but he's already got a Bigby's going holding all of their cookware while Taako totes the food. He's out of hands for the moment. Let! Him! In!]

[Hey, excuse you, Taako, he could be dating a woman. Except, of course, that would require someone to believe that Gren is even slightly heterosexual, and have you looked at him? ~~No one would buy that.~~]

[There were a few blissful minutes after Gren finished hashing out this whole dinner date thing with Lup that he felt almost relieved; this lady was like a professional cook or something, this would work out okay. And then he nearly throws his goddamn glass of whiskey across the room when she waltzes her incorporeal ass through his door instead of like opening it like a fucking normal person.]

[Now Gren has half a glass of whiskey spilled on his floor and he regrets everything.]

Fuckin' Christ, woman, can't you open a fuckin' door? Were you raised by fuckin' wolves?

[Lup lazily waves a mage hand into existence to open the door behind her to let Taako and their supplies through, her skeletal grin focused a little too sharply on Gren and the wasted whiskey seeping into the floorboards.]

Sorry, what was that? [Just to be the true asshole she is, Lup lifts a hand up over her hood, where her ear probably would be.] Speak up a little? I honestly couldn't hear you over how goddamn loud that awful shirt is. Taako-- [She finally turns to her twin, mage hand moving from the door knob to help him get the food safely to the kitchen, all the while pointing a bony finger at Gren.]

Second opinion, bro. Tell him how wrong that combo is.

Edited 2017-11-06 05:05 (UTC)

[Listen, Gren, respectfully? When you're gay, you know other gays. You can see them from thirty yards and through walls. You can just look at someone and know there is no way in shit hell they're straight. He just knows. He knows.

Regardless, Taako enters, taking a quick judge of the house in general before looking over at Gren and showing a public grimace.]

Oh god, why do you even own that. I know this place ins't, uh, great on stocking good shit or whatever? But have some standards. Or I'll have them for you, I don't care.

[He immediately heads over to the kitchen, his own spectral hand toting behind as it drops the cookware neatly on the counter. Taako, on the other hand, just empties his arms and drops a bunch of shit all over the place. This is their kitchen now. You're being ousted from your own home, Gren.]

[Gren knocks back the rest of the whiskey that's left in his glass, because whatever feelings of relief that he'd previously had are completely gone now. They are replaced with regret, a vast, unfathomable regret for every single decision in his long life that has led him to this terrible point. There is no loving God. Gren is staring into the abyss, and the abyss is wearing a pointy hat.]

[He knows with full certainty that he's not going to like the response that he gets, but he looks down at the clothes he's wearing-- perfectly normal clothes from his 1986 perspective-- and then back at the blond asshole who has made the most recent indictment of his wardrobe.]

The fuck's wrong with my clothes?

[Lup floats on after Taako, already using that disembodied hand of hers to start sorting through the food they've brought along. There's not too much time left, but with their vast expertise and a touch of magic, the twins can make fucking miracles happen. Despite being generally awful, Gren's in good hands.

Mostly.

The lich doesn't even look up from where she's floating a pan over to the stove.]

Hey, they look great if the look you're going for is being afraid of good style. Pretty sure if I wasn't already deceased, that shirt would have killed me dead by virtue of how awful it is. And those pants? [Even without a tongue, she manages to tut at him.] Yikes. Clothes need to attract attention, sweetie. Not flies.

Uh, she's flattering you babe, they're just bad. Usually I'd try to find some better words to describe that, but every time I look at your outfit I'm overcome with the reminder that I have a gag reflex? Soooo I'm gonna stay over here.

[Unfortunately, they're the worst. Sorry Gren, you invited them into your home, and now, like vampires, they are Here. Taako's also in the kitchen as he speaks, sorting out containers of spices for easy access. Despite being able to move directly through each other, the twins are surprisingly good at staying a step ahead of where the other is in the kitchen. No space in Hadriel is as big as they'd like, but they're incredibly used to working in small areas, and the ability to quite literally have an extra hand is gonna make this a breeze.]

Lup, you wanna even try raiding his closet, or is it even gonna be worth it at this point? 'Cause once we get this in the oven we might have to make time for an outfit swap, I am not presenting that as my finished piece.

[If there is a word stronger than regret, Gren would need a word stronger than that to describe his current emotional state.]

[The one, singular good thing about this situation is that these prying assholes have actually gotten started on the cooking part of the evening, which is all that Gren wanted from them. He just wants a decent meal for his... fuck, he doesn't even know what's going on in that department. More-than-friend with benefits? Attempt at a relationship upgrade? Fuck, he doesn't know, just put him down as a good old-fashioned facebook 'it's complicated'.]

I fuckin' like these jeans. [Do you know how hard it is to get jeans when you're a scarecrow man made up of 80% leg? It's hard, cut him some slack.] And what the fuck is wrong with a white shirt? It's a white fuckin' shirt!

[It's the most neutral thing he can think of, it's just a white v-neck.]

[Sorry, Gren. The twins are conspiring against you right now. Your question will just have to wait.

Lup is still super skeleton'd out, so it's not completely correct to say her face lights up at the mention of a sudden outfit swap for Gren, but there's definitely some excited shift there. Thankfully, her delighted tone fills in the blanks for what her face can't.

The lich drops an apron neatly over Taako's head before her gaze turns over to Gren, regarding him carefully.] Can you handle the prep for a few, babe? If he's really looking to score, I might need to dig deep and pray for a miracle. But could be worth a shot.

[Sorry not sorry Gren, you signed up for text notifications of the Twins Opinions, press STOP to continue. Except your stop button is now gone and you're gonna be here until the heat death of the universe. Taako's still talking over his shoulder as Gren complains, grinning the whole time.]

Uh, yeah, if you wanna be 20 years out of style. If you keep the outfit plain you gotta accessorize. Or at least do somethin' to that hair.

[He snatches the apron off his head as soon as Lup drops it, sending her a scowl and rolling his eyes overdramatically.]

Oh, wow, guess I'll just handle the insults and the food. Taako, he does it all. Anyway yeah fix him up a little, if you need an actual fuckin' hand come get me.

You two are a bunch of fuckin' ren faire rejects, why the fuck are you the gatekeepers of fashion or some shit?

[Please stop this ride, Gren wants to get off. He never asked for two weird elves to bust into his house and start criticizing his totally fashionable 1980s wardrobe, he just wanted a meal that would impress his hopefully soon-to-be-boyfriend.]

You said you'd make me a fuckin' dinner, not that you'd start fuckin' with my wardrobe. And I like my fuckin' hair, too, I ain't changin' it.

[Sorry, kids, this is one murderpotato that likes his weird 80s style.]

For him? [Lup gestures over to Gren's whole self, speaking like the man isn't even there in the room with them.] We're def gonna need all our powers combined on this one. We can tag team it.

[Lup can dig through Gren's closet to find something that's actually from the last decade or so and Taako can attempt to do something about that fun face of his. Gren may look like a hopeless cause, but if anyone can fix this zero into a like, uh, strong six, it's them.

The woman's skeletal fingers brush against Taako's arm before she's turning to float in front of Gren, giving him a shooing sort of motion despite not being able to actually touch him.] C'mon, my dude, let's go see what's hiding in the darkest parts of your closet. Taako's got this handled for a few. We're gonna get you laid.

[Taako just snickers as the insults ate slung his way, waving a bit over his shoulder as Lup starts to lead him off.]

Have fun kids, Daddy will let you know when dinner's ready, make sure to leave the door open and all that.

[On the small upside for Gren, he does seem to actually be doing something, quickly finishing pinning back his long braided hair into a low bun and out of his way. Meanwhile, butter is already starting to sizzle in a pan on the stove, and Taako's cutting something quickly on a cutting board on the counter.

You will get dinner out of this, Gren. This is just your payment for services rendered.]

Is anyone fuckin' listenin' to me?

[No, Gren. No one is listening to you right now.]

[And now there's a skeleton ghost lady shooing him towards his closet. He starts to be shooed, because he's a pushover or something, but please, Lup. Gren was in the closet for a long time, don't make him go back.]

If he calls himself Daddy again, I'm gonna kick his fuckin' ass out the window. I'm older than fuckin' both of you.

[But apparently age is not getting him respect around here. Doesn't anyone respect their elders anymore? Wasn't that a thing at one point? Damn kids and their fashion and their aesthetics and their necromancy, GET OFF HIS LAWN.]

[What could possibly be funnier? Taako calling himself daddy or Gren being absolutely disgusted by it? Honestly, Lup can't pick, so she just howls with laughter at both while shooing Gren back towards his bedroom. She gives her brother a quick wave before disappearing around the corner.]

Come off it, gramps. You wanted an expert's help so now you're getting it. Now, give ol' Lup a preview of what else has been sitting in your closet the last few centuries. There has to be something that's really gonna pop for your big date.

[Taako just laughs from the kitchen, calling from the distance as Lup pushes him off.]

We're over two hundred! Just saying!

[He has no idea how old Gren is, but most people expect the twins to be like, in their twenties. At this point, they're probably pushing two hundred and fifty. Fight them in a ditch Gren.

There's more sounds coming from the kitchen, of a knife on the cutting board and wooden spoons connecting with metal pots. At least he's doing something out there.]

Is that supposed to fuckin' impress me? [He kind of has to yell it back at Taako while he's being shooed away.] I'm still older'n both of you! Combined!

[Look, guys, he's basically your ancient crotchety grandpa, he doesn't care how old you think you are. He's pushing fifteen hundredish, give or take a few decades because of calendar changes and general who the fuck remembers back that far. Gren is constantly surrounded by children and he is the salty winter adult.]

[And now he has a lich going through his wardrobe. Which, admittedly, is probably not going to impress her all that much, because his fashion sense runs towards jeans, plain shirts, maybe a jacket or two. He does have a suit in there somewhere, from that one time that the gods threw a ball or whatever.]

[Wade does seem to have a thing for guys in suits and waistcoats. Maybe a little of that wouldn't be so awful.]

I still don't fuckin' see what's wrong with my clothes. [grumble]

[Gren's exclamation of being so much older than the twins just leaves the lich laughing, but she still ushers the man forward to his bedroom, immediately making a beeline for his closet. Whatever grumbling he has to say about his current wardrobe goes ignored while Lup uses mage hand to rummage through his clothing, eventually pulling out the suit and tossing it at the man.

It's not exactly as sleek or stylish as either of the twins would prefer, but it's better than the alternative.] Alright, throw this on and we'll appraise and fix what we need to when you're done.

[Fucking magic, baby. It's just so damn useful, how does anyone go without it?

But after her command, Lup leaves the bedroom because no way in hell does she want to see Gren start stripping. She just can't be dead enough for that.]

[Meanwhile, the kitchen's starting to light up under Taako's practiced hands, meat placed gently in the pan with a sizzle, spoon getting dipped into the start of a sauce as Lup comes floating out. He looks like he's gonna offer some to her to taste, and then laughing a little at his own supposed joke.]

You find something decent in there? Not that I trust he has anything.

[He calls over his shoulder to Gren.]

You need anything in there, honey? Drinks, snacks, a condom?

[He starts changing after Lup leaves, pulling on the suit and grousing to himself the whole time. He can hear Taako-- not her, though, she's too incorporeal-- out in the kitchen, doing whatever it is that cooks do to make the food happen.]

[He calls out,] I'll fuckin' throw you outta fuckin' window, I swear to fuckin' God!

[When he's done getting into the suit, he emerges from his room, still looking sour. It's a good suit or whatever, he looks fine in it, but he hates wearing this stiff bullshit.]

Ain't this shit kinda overkill?

[Lup floats over to admire Taako's work over the stovetop so far, but before she can hop right in to helping this dinner along, Gren comes shuffling out in the suit, looking as sour as ever. The suit fits, there's that at the very least, though all it really does is help accentuate Gren's too-skinny legs and thin arms.

Still, the lich claps her hands together excitedly, laughing in excitement.] Oh, hell yeah! [she gestures to Gren, up and down.] Love this. So much better.

[Her tone is just full of her self-satisfied grin.] Whatcha think, bro? Am I a miracle worker or what?

[Taako turns his head over his shoulder, hands still working as he pokes at something in a frying pan, seeming completely uninterrupted.]

You're not a miracle worker, you just found a miracle in there. Get his hair doing something acceptable and you can really earn that title.

[A spectral hand stirring the saucepot retrieves a little bit of whatever's in there and floats over to Gren, pausing in front of his face.]

Try that, tell me if you can handle the spice level or if I can go harder.

[It's some kind of white sauce, tangy like a hollandaise but with a lot more kick, closer to a liquefied deviled egg.]

[Gren tugs uncomfortably at the collar of his shirt. There's no way they'd be able to get him to wear a tie, even if he knew how to tie one, and he still has the first few buttons of the shirt undone. Trying to get him to look really put together would probably be about as easy as getting a cat in a bath.]

[There's a moment when Gren kind of balks at this weird ghost hand holding a fucking spoon in front of his face, because what? is? this? shit??? But he gives in and tries some of the sauce, and, hey. That's actually good.]

That's pretty good shit. You could probably kick it up a little.

[He goes to pour himself another drink, because he really feels like he both needs and deserves it.]

But if you touch my fuckin' hair, you're losin' a hand.

[Lup's already floating over to the kitchen to step into whatever part of the preparation Taako needs her to, mage hand ready for handling whatever comes her way. This would be a million times easier if she had two hands to use, but at least there's no worry of her chopping off a finger or anything. The few perks of being incorporeal.

She waves off Gren with a laugh.] That's so not a worry, my man. I'm not going anywhere near that mess. Just stick with the suit and we'll call it done.

[It's an improvement, either way, even without the tie. And let's be real, if someone actually agreed to go out with Gren in the first place, they were already coming tonight expecting so little. They were going to be blown away.]

You should light some candles or something. Give the place a little romantic ambience.

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