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hadriel_logs2017-11-17 12:21 pm
fracturedbeauty) wrote in hadriel_logs2017-11-17 12:21 pm
You Look In My Eyes, And I'm Screaming Inside That I'm Sorry.
Who: Yukari and Curufin (closed)
What: Yukari has orders from Atem to go talk to Curufin
Where: Curufin's house.
When: Backdated to 11/15
Warnings: TBA
You're going to fix what you did. Starting with your sorry self. Go apologize to him.
Orders straight from Atem himself. And Yukari had already asked for what orders to fulfill, in the space between misery and emptiness back in Hope's Temple. So... he certainly wasn't going to disobey them.
Still, as he approaches Curufin's house, he feels himself become more terrified with each step. He doesn't want to face him. He dreads what might follow. After he secured so soundly that last goodbye after Prussia's death. He'd virtually done everything within his power to drive the Elf away and tell him to never return. To burn that bridge before Curufin could.
And now, here he is, standing on Curufin's doorstep with his heart pounding in his ears. Why couldn't Hope have let him stay dead? Then none of this would have to happen. There's no way he can fix this, right? He knows he took it much to far. And he would completely understand if Curufin wanted nothing further to do with him.
It takes every last ounce, summoning up anything to try and give him the courage to press through with this. But he's undoubtedly running on empty in anything that resembles strength. He has to skew anything he's believed up to this point and, with a very heavy heart, he decides to just get it over with, so we can leave. And he knocks. It's barely audible.
"....Curufin-sama? I... need to speak with you. Are you home?" His voice is just loud enough to be heard through the door, but that's as far as he's willing to push it. And if Curufin isn't home, well.... He'll just have to wait by the door for Curufin to come home.
What: Yukari has orders from Atem to go talk to Curufin
Where: Curufin's house.
When: Backdated to 11/15
Warnings: TBA
You're going to fix what you did. Starting with your sorry self. Go apologize to him.
Orders straight from Atem himself. And Yukari had already asked for what orders to fulfill, in the space between misery and emptiness back in Hope's Temple. So... he certainly wasn't going to disobey them.
Still, as he approaches Curufin's house, he feels himself become more terrified with each step. He doesn't want to face him. He dreads what might follow. After he secured so soundly that last goodbye after Prussia's death. He'd virtually done everything within his power to drive the Elf away and tell him to never return. To burn that bridge before Curufin could.
And now, here he is, standing on Curufin's doorstep with his heart pounding in his ears. Why couldn't Hope have let him stay dead? Then none of this would have to happen. There's no way he can fix this, right? He knows he took it much to far. And he would completely understand if Curufin wanted nothing further to do with him.
It takes every last ounce, summoning up anything to try and give him the courage to press through with this. But he's undoubtedly running on empty in anything that resembles strength. He has to skew anything he's believed up to this point and, with a very heavy heart, he decides to just get it over with, so we can leave. And he knocks. It's barely audible.
"....Curufin-sama? I... need to speak with you. Are you home?" His voice is just loud enough to be heard through the door, but that's as far as he's willing to push it. And if Curufin isn't home, well.... He'll just have to wait by the door for Curufin to come home.
no subject
But he's (uncharacteristically) tired, and so he takes this opportunity to take a brief break, slouching on the living room sofa, his head tipped against its back and his long legs stretched out into the floor space, ankles crossed, boots still on. There is a cup of coffee sitting on one of the low tables that flank the couch, still steaming but as of yet untouched. His eyes are distant, anxious, and shadowy. He's alone; he doesn't have to put on his competent-face or his cheerful-face.
He hears the knock, wonders who forgot their key, and then hears the voice. What the. . . ?
He makes a move as though to rise, and then another wave of fatigue hits him. He pauses, his face puzzled and unhappy, and yet his eyes brighten a little.
"All right. Come in!" he calls.
no subject
A deep breath, and a squeeze on the handle, so tight that his knuckles turn white. And, carefully and painfully aware of each creak, he sees himself in. He walks to Curufin, staying a small handful of feet away. He doesn't sit.
Where does he even begin? He doesn't know. He's never had to do this. Never had to backtrack his doubt, his course of action. Even when he's felt sorry, he's never had to say anything about it. Not before. He's never gone back on a goodbye. That should have been the last time he saw Curufin. Period. Why is he here now? Why is this even an option? Because of some order given by a childlike King? Or was it something else that drove him to obey that order?
I would give anything.
He opens his mouth, but words won't come. And for a flash of a second, his body falters to reveal the fear he feels. It's a flash of a tremble, a grimace of pain, and a tightness in his throat. And he feels like he did back at the last goodbye - longing to run into Curufin's arms, to collapse there and fall apart. But it's only a glimmer, and Yukari has that sensation shoved back into its hiding place. He knows he's not good enough. He knows he deserves nothing, especially not Curufin's sympathy. Not his forgiveness. Not anything.
"I'm sorry."
It's all he can manage to say, only remembering the order he was given. He doesn't know how, nor does he want, to explain himself. And he wishes already that Curufin would have dismissed him, so he could say he tried and he was right all along. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to face Curufin. Can't he just go home and wither away?
no subject
He hears the two words.
He sighs, and finally answers. "There's coffee in the kitchen. Go get yourself a cup and then come back and sit down. Please."
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It's abrupt, almost tense. Nothing like Yukari's usual demeanour. If he sits down, he can't guarantee that he won't fall apart. Standing gives him some semblance of control, some distance to keep himself limited. A buffer for after this conversation ends, to walk away cold instead of hurting worse. He doesn't trust Curufin to not hurt him, be it intentionally or not. He had spent all that time apart from Curufin hacking the ropes of the bridge, to try and leave him behind and forget it all. And he doesn't expect Curufin to lessen the blow. And trying to walk on that bridge when it's so fragile to repair and replace the ropes is certainly shaky at best, if not outright dangerous. It's safer to stay on the other side, isn't it?
"I only came to explain myself. You don't need to accommodate me."
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He sits up straighter and continues.
"I just don't want you to walk out the door and leave it like this. We'll be a little better off than we were two weeks ago, but. . . "
He opens his clasped hands and simply holds them in the open position, still looking up at Yukari with his darkly luminous gaze. It's a gesture that says, Look, I have no weapons.
no subject
Brave of you.
"We aren't dating anymore! You don't have to make up lies!" He shakes as he says it, but his tone is no less sharp. He's straining to hold back his temper, and there might be a faint crackle of electricity along his hands.
"Do not... Do not condescend me! I've told you, so many times! I'm none of those things! You never listened and look where it got us! I'm none of those things! I'm not brave, I'm not kind, I'm not sweet! LOOK AT ME! I am a monster! No matter how much you believe, how much you wish I wasn't!"
And for a moment, he breathes heavy. Anyone else who has ever called him kind or anything of the sort has died by his hand. They clearly never understood. And he held back when it came to Curufin, because he cared about him, loved him. But now. Now it just hurts the worst when Curufin says it. And all he can do is seethe.
"For once, just stop being a fool and listen to me! Stop idealising me! I'll never reach it!" A sharp, pained breath, and his anger tapers here. "I can't be that person, Curufin-sama. I will only continue to disappoint you."
A shaky breath, and he lowers his head, trying so hard. He grinds his teeth as he tries so hard. But in the end, he loses, and tears start to fall down his face. His fists drop and he covers his face with one of those hands.
"Stop calling me these things... I can't take it anymore. I'm not. Can't you understand I'm not, and I never will be? Is this your way of torturing me, too?"
no subject
He's seen the faint crackle of electricity along the mercenary's hands, and he's letting Yukari know that if he loses his temper, Curufin will defend himself. Yukari can say whatever he likes, but he's not getting away with attacking to declare his independence. He'll be checked as soon as he tries it. He can leave if he wants to, if he must, but he can't do it with violence.
And the second reason is simply to show that Curufin will meet him halfway, if there is any way to meet at all.
Curufin sees, and has seen for a long time, that there is a fundamental contradiction in Yukari's perceptions of himself. He says he is not brave, not kind, not sweet. . . and yet he's capable of loving. Love itself is an act of courage, however imperfect. And Yukari has shown Curufin both kindness and sweetness. And why is he here at this present moment? -- it is, in a way, a kindness to tell his ex-lover the truth as Yukari perceives it, even if it's also a way of defending himself against further pain. Yukari may testify against himself, but the evidence contravenes what he says.
Still, Curufin asked him to sit down because he meant to listen to what Yukari had to say. And now Yukari has said it. Curufin's own tendency is to argue, but he's already seen how useless that really is. So he doesn't waste any more time trying to refute him.
Besides. . . those tears.
Curufn crosses the few feet of carpet that separates them and lays his hands on Yukari's shoulders. He simply looks into those violet eyes whose moods and expressions he has watched through four seasons, and he feels the anguish in those trembling shoulders. There is real gentleness in Curufin's hands. But he doesn't really know what to think, or what to do. He is just as much at sea as is Yukari. He can't see the future. And Yukari doesn't seem to want one, anyway. Or rather, he doesn't think he can have one, and he won't let himself have one -- not unless it's just like the past. And not with Curufin, since the mercenary seems intent on fending him off.
And still. . . the Elf's eyes are tender as well as somber. It's true that he now sees Yukari somewhat differently than he did, and the image is less brilliant but more human. The plain fact of the matter is that we love and we fail. And if possible, we retrench and try to love again. If that is not possible, then we still try to learn something from the experience -- this is one way to honor those we have loved or failed to love.
But what shall I do, Yukari? There is no answer to your dilemma, at least not one that I can provide. I can only reach out the hand of reconciliation to you. Whatever reconciliation even means -- I cannot even say at this moment. But it is you who must accept my hand or not. I cannot make you see things as I do, anymore than you can make me see them exactly as you do. We can only listen and try to understand the other's point of view.
no subject
Please, even if you don't feel the same anymore, just let me be like this for a moment.
And it aches and he sobs.
"I'm sorry! I'd take it all back if I could! I just wanted to protect you! I thought I could lose you better emotionally if only I could spare you physically! And I was wrong! I don't want this! I never wanted to lose you!"
Please...!
"I can't take back what I did! I can't retract what I said! But I... I didn't want this! I didn't want any of this! I thought I'd be okay if you hated me, I just wanted you safe. I'm sorry, I just wanted you safe, no matter what it took!"
Those hands grip tightly into Curufin's back.
"I'm the idiot, because I can't take this! I can't take it anymore! When I woke up in Hope's Temple, and thought I would see you, and instead I saw Atem-sama, I just... I thought you hated me! I don't want it to be over!"
Please!
"I don't want it to be over! I would give anything to take it back! To fix what I did! I don't want to lose you! I have no right to ask your forgiveness, but I..."
He sobs painfully. Afraid to say the words that remain. It hurts and he gasps for air, trying to fight around the ache of his heart to keep going.
"I love you. I'm so sorry. I wanted you to hate me, but I ... I can't take it. I would give anything to fix it. Please. Please don't make me live without you."
It's selfish, and he knows it, to ask Curufin to take him back. He has no right to. He knows that, too. But... he can't. Living without Curufin, as his lover, he can't. Not now that he's had a taste of that happiness. And he sounds every bit as desperate.
"I'll fight to change. I'll try. I promise I'll try. Please. I'm begging you. Don't throw me away."
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I'll meet you halfway, if there is any way to meet at all.
Surely this is Yukari's step towards Curufin, and a step into the future.
Curufin wraps his arms around Yukari's shoulders and holds him as tightly as he is held.
Of course I will hold you. You only had to let me know you wanted me to. You can have much, much more than a moment.
"I know. You tried to tell me that you were protecting me, and I hated your plan, so I couldn't hear your desperation. Not the way I should have. But you can tell me how you feel, how you felt then. In fact, you have told me; you just did. It is all right, I can listen now, I can hear you."
He tips his head down to kiss Yukari's hair, and then his forehead.
"I would have come to the temple if I had known. I hated your plan, but I didn't hate you. I'm sorry I wasn't there."
"I still care for you. I still love you. Just stay a while, and we can talk and be in one another's company again. I missed you, Yukari. I can hardly even say how much."
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It's painful, and he shivers and cries even more.
"I loathe myself. Part of me didn't want to be brought back. I just... trying to live without you was so hard. I can't even forgive myself. I wish I could take back all the pain I've caused you. I wish I would have stayed half-blind, back then, too. I just... I hurt you, so many times. And I..."
He gives pained whimpers.
"I want to take it all back. I never want to hurt you. I never... I've been a failure from the start and I just.... I want to take it back. I'm so, so sorry. You try so hard not to show me your pain, the pain I've inflicted upon you. But I hate myself. I can't forgive myself. I'll..."
I'll probably carry it for the rest of my life. But still, that pain is easier to live with when I'm by your side.
He clings tightly, still, hesitant to let go.
"Please don't leave me. I'll stay and talk. Just please... Please don't leave me behind. Gods, I can't plead enough. I don't want to lose you. Isn't there a way I can have both? To keep you safe physically and not lose you emotionally? I don't want to see you hurt. Does it have to be one or the other?"
He buries his face into Curufin's shoulder.
"How do I keep from losing you? How do I even begin to fix this to make it better. I'm so sorry for hurting you again."
And he winces painfully, a realisation. This time, the pain he dealt, even if it wasn't what he wanted, was much more intentional. A realisation that hits far too painfully.
"I... I can never look Celebrimbor-chan in the face. I broke my promise."
What does he do? Maybe he shouldn't beg for Curufin back. Not if it's going to cause rifts and battles of wills. Curufin values Celebrimbor more than anything, and he knows it. He can't put Curufin in a position of me or them. No. He's prepared for Celebrimbor to be furious at him, to never forgive him, and to probably tell him to never come near his father again.
....He doesn't want that, either.
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Curufin simply continues to hold Yukari, sometimes stroking his shoulders and back gently, searching for a way to soothe the sobbing and the anguished breathing. So many times he has held this man in his arms, both of them enjoying the peace, the joy, the serenity of this contact. His hands remember how he loves every bone of this slender body; his heart remembers how sweet it is to be pressed against Yukari's heart, how restful it is. He hopes that this time, too, it will calm them both.
His own heart was thumping like a kettle drum when Yukari first opened the door, but now it begins to slow to its normal slow, steady, strong beat. He takes a deep breath or two.
"Apology accepted. But I was not so much worried about being hurt as I was afraid of losing you, too. We couldn't be on opposite sides of the battle lines and not lose each other."
As for family versus Yukari, It was never a matter of being forced to choose, because there was never any choice. Curufin believed that the gods were the best bet for long-term survival, and the Null were certain death. Even if he had had the willingness to try to persuade his family of the opposite, he couldn't have succeeded at it. They'd have heard a lie in his voice. Besides, they all had their own opinions of the Null, and Elves are stubborn in their beliefs once they have come to a conclusion. They wouldn't have been persuaded to give up their own assessments of the situation. And Curufin could not have taken that route regardless. When you get right down to it, an Elf has his or her honor. It is not honorable to ally yourself with the forces of destruction, to condemn your family and friends to death -- even to fight against them -- in order to keep your lover. Especially when it would only allow you to keep him for a little while longer, before the Null killed everybody, including Yukari.
He smooths the soft violet hair with a free hand, as Yukari buries his face in the Elf's shoulder. "I don't want to lose you. I so, so do not want that. I just want us to solve our dilemma, and I believe we can. I want you with me, I want us to be together in this coming battle."
"Just stay with me, fight by my side, against the Null. I know you are afraid that I might be killed. I can't promise I won't be. I can only promise that it would be far, far better for me to die protecting the community, if I must die. The way I look at it, the way I have thought since my death in my own world is this: my soul is at stake, in every battle I fight. What matters is what I fight for, not what the outcome is. I am saving my spirit when I think like that and choose like that." Small, wry laugh. "And it is a spirit that is desperately in need of saving!"
"I don't want to hurt you. I want to keep you for as long as we both survive. But even if we die, we are saving each other's hearts and souls."
"Don't worry about Celebrimbor right now. He has a loving heart, a forgiving one. If he could forgive me my wrongs against him, he can certainly forgive you." Cel is very, very unlikely to tell Yukari never to darken his father's doorway again. That would not be like him.
no subject
"I don't want you to die." A deep breath, a pained huff and he looks up at Curufin, desperate determination in his eyes. "Then let me defend you, let me protect you against the Null. Let me fight before you while you protect others. Please, just let me do my best to save you."
He lowers his head a little.
"Please... I don't... I don't want to lose you. And if keeping both your heart and your life means sacrificing mine, then... I'll give it. Of course I'll fight not to die, but your life comes before mine. Can you let me do that much?"
He reaches a hand up to Curufin's face, and hesitates to touch it, watching for the slightest sign of rejection. Waiting to be told to stop. And then softly, he runs a trembling hand into Curufin's hair.
"You mean everything to me. All of it to me. This is more than just not wanting to lose you, I can't lose you. Even emotionally, I was devastated. I tried to push you away, thinking it would make it easier to carry on. But all I did was hurt both of us."
He bites on his lower lip.
"I don't want to see a world without you. If you die, at least go after me, so I don't have to suffer that anguish, and I can know I did my best to save you."
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Curufin reaches up and lays his fingers on the back of Yukari's tightly clenched hand, where it grips Curufin's shirt. He strokes it gently, comfortingly.
He speaks quietly. "I know you fear losing me, and it is a terrible, blinding fear. I know you would give your life for me. And no gift would be greater -- except one: that you live, stay with me, discover who you really are."
"I want you to fight beside me, because that's a part of our journey. We take our risks, we take our chances. You know I would do much for you. But I'm a warrior, I cannot let another be my shield. I would if I could. But I have limits. Anything else I can give, I will. And you know I will."
He does not want Yukari to suffer. And yet he knows he cannot take that pain away from Yukari, not the one he would feel if Curufiin were to die before him. But the pain Yukari feels in this moment. . . Curufin can at least have some effect on that. That is a friend's duty, a lover's responsibility. To do what he can in the now, the present.
He smiles when Yukari touches his face, and when he feels those graceful, trembling fingers in his hair. Even with the trembling, It's such an nice sensation, and it feels right. He looks into Yukari's eyes and his own shine with warmth and tenderness. He turns his head a little and places a kiss on the wrist of that hand. The brush of his lips is light, loving, undemanding.
"You are dear to me." His voice is vibrant with emotion.
no subject
It pains him. He doesn't want to agree to it. He wants to be that barrier. He wants to stop his worst fears from coming true. Fighting beside Curufin, there's no guarantee that way. Hell, there's no guarantee even if Yukari is that shield. But up front, it feels like there's promise in it. His brow furrows as he wrestles internally with it.
And that sweet and gentle kiss on his wrist gives him a whole other wave of pain. One he's still not used to feeling - the one of pure regret mixed with fear and self-deprecation. He never knew that this is what agony felt like. With each of Curufin's gentle acts, Yukari's tearing himself apart inside. For how much he's ruined everything. For wondering if he can ever make this alright again. For wondering if Curufin can love him again as deeply as he ever did, and if he would even deserve that right.
If Curufin won't get angry and punish him for his actions, he'll just have to do it himself.
He leans forward, pressing his forehead to Curufin's chest, hiding his grimace into that fabric. All he wants is for this to be okay again. To be able to hold, kiss, and love Curufin without the guilt he now feels. Is something like that even possible anymore? He only, so desperately, wants...
"Then I'll just have to watch your back, won't I? And make sure that nothing can lay a finger on you. Don't think you're getting off so easy just because you won't use me as your shield."
And here, Curufin might feel more tears falling onto his shirt.
"I hope... someday you can come to forgive me. I will never stop being sorry..."
Nice choice of song!
No guarantees. That is the real state of love, no matter how much the lovers want it to be otherwise. The best they can do is make the promises they know they can fulfill, and forgive themselves if it turns out they can't. Love is of the human heart, and therefore it, too, is human. But there is promise in this, in telling one another the truth, and starting over.
Curufn will not be the one who punishes. He has experienced anger and frustration, but he won't turn that into an excuse to be an ass. He can't stop Yukari from punishing himself, but he will certainly encourage him not to!
He slides a hand into Yukari's soft violet hair as Yukari leans his forehead on Curufin's chest. He strokes that hair softly.
He laughs softly, too. "I don't suppose I'm going to object to you watching my back. I'll probably do the same to you, if I can." He feels those tears leaking into this shirt again.
"Dear friend, if I ask you to be by my side, it's because I want you there. And I don't want you to stick knives in your own heart -- figuratively, I mean. You are in enough pain. You don't need to feel more of it."
His cheek is against Yukari's hair again, and he gathers him closer. "I forgive you."
Man, that song and my child keep trying to destroy me. Sob.
Honestly, thinking back then, he'd tear his own eye back out again if he thought for even a second it would show his repentance. To take back everything he's done.
And it's even harder to believe that Curufin truly forgives him. How could he, after all? But, in response, he just simply answers:
"I love you..."
He doesn't expect to hear it back, not all after he's done. But Curufin deserves to know that he still means the world, means everything, to Yukari. Even if it continues to hurt the Mercenary over and over to just be in the Elf's arms. Yukari already knew he wasn't Curufin's version of perfect. He knew he never could be. But now, somehow, it hurts much worse than he ever thought it would to have Curufin disillusioned from that. He's no longer perfect to Curufin.
It just brings the fear closer to the surface - how long do I have before he leaves me forever?
/pets you both
He sighs. "Apparently you didn't know that I had let go of that. I guess I didn't make that clear."
"And as for now. . . the only thing I want is for us to fight on the same side. And now I have that. I'm not going to make you pay for one mistake for the rest of your life, not even if it was a mistake that caused us both pain. I made mistakes, too. But it's all beginning to resolve, now. You've found your king, and you certainly aren't going to fight on the Null's side."
"I still love you," he adds, softly.
He does understand how much he means to Yukari. And maybe someday he can explain that losing the vision of the perfection of the beloved is not the end of the world, or the end of the relationship. In fact, it is bound to happen. . . it happens to all couples. Perfection belongs to those first euphoric months or years when to be in love feels like leaving the mundane world behind and entering another world, one in which miracles can happen. It's not always a restful state, because one doesn't entirely leave fear behind, but it is certainly euphoric. But Curufin doesn't disparage that state -- it is one that is not to be missed, one that he is grateful to have experienced. But loving is about so much more than that. It is primarily about what you do when you realize that neither of you actually meets those criteria of perfection, and now you have to figure out how to go on loving each other, seeing and knowing each other for who you really are. It is never easy to embark upon that. But it is well worth the effort.
If the two of them can manage to agree on how they will proceed, and on what terms they can proceed, Curufin is is willing to reconcile. More than willing. It is what he wants. And still he knows that Yukari fears being left, still fears that Curufin's forgiveness cannot be real. He doesn't know what to do about that. But the knottiest problems are never solved in an instant. They take time and patience.
no subject
Yukari buries himself in closer to Curufin, when he returns that I love you. He doesn't want any of this to leave ever again. He'll fight to keep it, so long as it's what Curufin wants, as long as Curufin won't reject him for his efforts, he'll do his best. To do whatever he can to keep Curufin from walking out that door again.
And Ichigen had helped Curufin, too. Without him knowing it. It must have been their discussion before Ichigen asked Curufin to take his life. And he can't help but wonder what made that difference, that Yukari couldn't accomplish himself. Maybe if he knew, then they wouldn't be hurting like this in the first place.
"What did Ichigen-sama say, that helped you let go?"
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no subject
Curufin encloses Yukari in his arms even more securely. He wants him to feel that he can accept the love and care that Curufin longs to give. And if Yukari has come to the place where he understands that Curufin will never blame or judge him for his efforts, then Curufin can feel that he has at last said the right thing.
Curufin has never held Yukari responsible for taking away his pain over Yukari's death. Maybe that is why he never spoke of it -- he didn't want Yukari to feel blamed. However, by not speaking of it, he had left them both open to further turmoil. But at least he can rectify that mistake now.
When Yukari asks his question, Curufin has to stop and think about it.
"It's kind of hard to specify. It had something to do with his kindness and his acceptance of who I was. He didn't know me, but he listened really well to what I said, about myself and about you. And when he gave his opinion, I could tell that he had given us both some deep thought. You, of course -- because he loved you and had known you well. But me? -- a stranger, of whom he had to make a quick assessment, because we only had that hour to talk together. And he did not fear to make that assessment, and to give me as much support and encouragement as he could -- and more than that -- to give me credit for having the best intentions regarding yourself, for loving you as I do."
"That concern and acceptance laid the groundwork. As soon as I became aware of it, I began to feel. . . safe. Respected, even esteemed. I felt he would not judge me for my mistakes, only help me to do better. Funny, isn't it? -- how a chance-met person can make such a difference? His kindness helped me be kind to myself. And that frees me to be kinder to you."
"But I guess he did say a few things that helped me. He said that you must love me a lot if you were holding onto the pain of having caused me pain. And I realized that of course, that's what we do, those of us who love. We value the person, and so we value the pain we feel on their account. And I hadn't realized that I was doing the same thing."
"And so I had to think about it, because I was already talking about it. And what I told him was that my holding onto that pain was all mixed up with earlier losses. It occurred to me that I needed to start separating the losses. Because I was laying a weight on you that didn't belong to you, and you being you, you were bound to feel it and suffer from it. And so I began to think more deeply about my past, and about how I failed my son when he needed me, and how I left him in that cruel manner, even knowing at the time that it was a mistake. And I thought how I don't need to keep carrying that around with me everywhere I go. I've already admitted my mistakes to Cel and apologized from the bottom of my heart. Cel has forgiven me, and we are reconciled. I don't need to go around for the rest of my existence hating myself vilely for those failures. What I can do is be the father I should have been then, and walk into the future with a lighter heart."
"And as soon as I really realized that, I could start to think clearly about you. And what I thought was that I've been so invested in making you happy that I didn't give enough consideration to what would actually help. I tried to shower you with love, and that is very important, but I blamed myself when it did not seem to be enough. I didn't really realize that though a lover's responsibility is to love, the reality is that one person cannot actually take away another's unhappiness. We can only give the other person the opportunity to make themselves happy, and offer the highest quality support, and cheer them on in their efforts."
"Ichigen also said one other thing that helped. He was talking about his own feeling that he hadn't helped you as much as he could have. He said he should have asked more of you. I asked him what he would have asked, and he said that he wished that he had asked you to share your feelings more. He felt that he had left you alone to wrestle with things you shouldn't have been left alone with. He said he never pressed you to share even when he felt you were being too silent. He really regretted that, and he hoped that I would not make the same mistake as he had."
"Yukari, is any of this making sense? Especially that last part. I've already told you that I think that I didn't listen enough before we separated. Maybe I just didn't ask enough questions."
Apologising ahead of time.
"No. No, it doesn't make sense. I don't understand any of it." His voice is pained, shaking, clearly overwhelmed with it all. That letter Ichigen left, it suddenly makes much more sense and yet absolutely no sense at all.
"What happened with Ichigen-sama, that was my fault. I was the one who attacked him. And I was the one who took my life to repair my eye and left you alone with no real explanation, no effort to console you. I was the one who promised my loyalties to the Null at the expense of anyone on that list, ignoring your pleas, and not caring how much it would hurt you in the end. No matter...!"
Yukari actually pushes himself back from Curufin, his eyes wide and his breathing laboured and sharp. Tears flowing down his cheeks as he just... grips his fingers into Curufin's arms, perhaps more tightly than he should.
"I..." he rapidly shakes his head. "You can't.... you can't blame yourself for any of that. Ichigen-sama shouldn't take that blame. It wasn't his to take! It's not yours to take!"
How can this hurt so bad, yet feel simulataneously so hollow? He doesn't understand what's going on, what Curufin is saying. Not at all. All he managed to pull from the conversation was that Curufin blamed himself somehow. Somehow. And...
"No, you can't... You can't take that. My errors are my own! You can't... None of me is your fault. I am the way I am, and that's all! I'm...!"
God, the words he's trying to say keep escaping him. He's at a loss. A complete and total loss. And he feels like he can't breathe. His breaths feel shorter, sharper, more intense. And he feels lightheaded and weak. And the hands are gripping into Curufin's arms are now less gripping from terror, and more gripping for stabilization.
What was going on? He can't tell. He's never felt this before. But something feels terribly wrong, and he feels his knees buckle.
"Curu...fin... I can't... I can't breathe..." He forgoes the honourific this time, if only in favour to say that something's wrong, that he needs help. That he doesn't know what to do. His throat feels tight, and his chest feels small. And why is his heart pounding so hard?
<3
"All right," he says, softly. "I'll let you take responsibility for your part of this mess, and I'll take responsibility for mine."
But Yukari is breathing hard and his hands are shaky where they clutch Curufin's arms. And the tears are beginning to flow again. And suddenly, Curufin has to hold him up, because Yukari's knees just won't support him anymore. The forgotten honorific is a red flag, even more so than the breathless cry for help.
Curufin quickly scoops him up and carries him towards the couch. He sits down and arranges Yukari so that Curufin's arms are around him and he still holds him against his chest, but so that Yukari's legs are stretched out along the cushions. In a panic state such as this, it's important to have one's head not too much higher than one's feet. A matter of equalizing one's blood pressure and easing the heart, not requiring it to work so hard when it is already pounding with fright.
"Just rest in my arms, Yukari," he murmurs. "Just breathe."
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Did something go wrong with his resurrection this time? A repercussion from Hope, maybe? No. No, that doesn't entirely make sense, does it? Hope said himself that he's not fond of creating things that would cause pain amongst others. He wouldn't even create cigarettes at the request. So he wouldn't do something like this at all.
Why then? What's going on and why has it never happened before? All he knows is that it hurts and it's more difficult to try and breathe while he's crying at the same time. A few pained remnants of sobs come between the sharp pangs of gasped breath. It's definitely not helping his breathing any.
He clings to Curufin's shirt with his hands tightly tangled into the cloth.
"Hurts.... It... It hurts...." How do I make it stop?
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He leans to brush Yukari's forehead with his lips. And then he lays a gentle hand on Yukari's breastbone and simply envisions the warmth of his palm radiating slowly into that troubled heart, bringing with it a quieting tenderness. He is no healer, but he does have the power of influencing others directly with his energy. And here, he is using it in the gentlest possible manner -- not to control, but to offer something of value. Calmness.
"Tell me if this helps," he murmurs.
He doesn't know whether Yukari's pain is of the body or of the spirit, but it is well known amongst the Elves that either can cause the other.
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Until he realises what he's doing and quickly moves his hand back to his side. Still hesitant, still worried, but not panicked anymore. Though a slight ache of longing pervades, even under Curufin's influence. Or perhaps it's because of Curufin's influence that it isn't as strong as it could be.
He lowers his head a little.
"Yes, it... helps quite a bit. Thank you."
He takes a deep breath, almost as if testing it, and with that longing mixed in. He sits himself back up, when he's sure that... whatever that was has subsided.
"My apologies. I have... no idea what came over me." In either circumstance, the panic, nor the urge to caress Curufin.
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"You're welcome," he answers.
He feels the longing, too. Both from Yukari and from his own heart.
"No apologies, Yukari." He means, neither for the panic nor for the urge, and he hopes Yukari can hear in his voice that he means both.
For now, it is enough that they ended up on this couch with Yukari in Curufin's arms. It feels right to Curufin, but he won't push for more. Their beings are both still reverberating with all the feelings that the events of the past few weeks have evoked. It will take a while for these to settle down, or at least to abate enough so that they can continue to talk. They both need to breathe.
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He'll think about the rest later. But for now, he's wanted this for weeks. He's wanted to be able to just hold and be held by Curufin. And now he has that chance.
So he stays, and will stay until he feels he's overstayed his welcome.