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Who: Seel and Cal
What: Seel apologizes for being a giant ass.
Where: Hara house
When: Nov. 15
Warnings: Probably language, talk of violence and sex.

Seel meant to have done this a while ago. Like two weeks ago. At least, that was exactly what he was telling himself. In reality, he had dug his heels in and refused to budge, stewing in his fury at Cal having been right, again. At the idea of someone having to hold his leash since he clearly couldn't be trusted to hold it himself. He really had gotten better. But 'better' wasn't perfect. Which was exactly what Cal seemed to be lately. He wanted to peak underneath Cal's armor and see what was underneath. Could he really be as healed as he seemed? Surely there had to be some glaring imperfection.

But that was all a very bad thought. It wouldn't go well and was pretty much the exact thing he was supposed to be apologizing for. Finding the other har, Seel ushered him into his own bedroom so they could have privacy, now that the house was rather full. He didn't want everyone overhearing his private conversation. Or his apology.

"I should probably apologize."

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This sudden change of heart was unexpected, although perhaps not unwelcome. He'd have to see how the conversation went before he decided that. But he followed, at least, a bit bemusedly as Seel ushered him into his bedroom and leaned against the door once Seel had closed it, with his arms folded over his chest. Of course Seel would drag him somewhere he felt the safest, but he couldn't exactly begrudge him that either. Given the choice, Cal would have dragged him into his own room.

He could stay by the door, at least, and not invade too far into his territory. Seel was already on edge as it was.

"Should you?" Yes, he should, and Cal knew exactly why. At least he was making the effort on his own without being yelled at and that was enough that he could call it an improvement.

"By all means, apologize."

It was good that Cal was by the door. Seel hadn't been ready to bolt but now that Cal opened his mouth, he sure was ready too. Dammit Cal, don't do this to him. This would have been easier if it was anyone other than Cal. He crossed his arms over his chest defensively. Despite Cal's attempts to not invade his territory, Seel was still feeling it.

"I shouldn't have hung up on you. And I should have treated Delmar with more respect than I did." That was what you were getting, Cal, don't push your luck.

Better than nothing. And still not even close to an actual apology. Cal didn't move from his place, watching closely. Seel had been the one to invite him in here, but if he needed to beat a hasty retreat, it wasn't as if Cal needed the door.

At least Seel realized he'd fucked up. Or was pretending he did. He should probably just accept it and move on, but for the moment he just stared and spoke as neutrally as possible.

"And what brought this on? You didn't seem so inclined to apologize before." Did he actually feel like he needed to or was he just trying to get out of being in more trouble?

"You were not the only one who objected to my attitude." Ag, it pained him to say that dammit. "And I got to know Delmar, and he's actually interesting to be around. He asked me to work on a project for him. Or for the cave, rather. It's almost finished--if you or someone you know need a safe place."

And honestly? If Swift saw him like this he'd be appalled. Seel just hated that it was Cal who was holding his leash, holding him to a higher standard. It was like some sick joke.

Seel twitched and looked at the door. Dammit he wasn't running away from Cal.

"Oh? How very unexpected." That wasn't even a lie--he hadn't even begun to think that Seel would actually get to like the man. If anything, he'd thought he'd probably just grow to resent him since he was the catalyst that made Cal pull Seel's bitchiness up short. Hopefully he wouldn't have to yank that hard on the leash again.

"I'm glad you've learned something. Maybe you'll even get along with the neighbors a little better." And maybe make a friend or something.

"I'll keep that in mind if someone needs a place to hide. Was there anything else you wanted to say?"

Seel likewise hoped Cal never had to as well. But honestly he knew he probably would. Eventually. It didn't happen as much as before (hey, he hadn't locked anyone up in thirty years!), but the rampant bitchiness? that was harder to control. Seel was a work in progress. And it stung that Calanthe of all hara was so put together.

He knew that tone. He knew that phrase. That was the phrase of somehar asking for something more. When Seel hadn't exactly done a stellar job of apologizing. That was when he knew he'd better keep going or he was going to spend the next few weeks sleeping alone. It wasn't just you, Cal.

He felt like he was five.

" I'm sorry. I should have listened to you. I should have...I don't know. Not put my foot in my mouth? Sometimes I feel like it claws to the surface and I can't stop it from getting out."

He stared at him for a moment in silence, considering what he thought of that. He couldn't exactly keep holding it over Seel's head, especially when he was trying to make amends as best he could. And he really wouldn't want to. After a moment, he finally sighed and closed his eyes.

"Apology accepted. Although eventually you're going to have to learn to get that under control." If he ever wanted to be accepted in polite society again, anyway. This would have been so much easier with Swift. Or anyhar else Seel could actually respect.

"I suppose at this point all either of us can hope for is that eventually you'll get better at it."

"I'm trying." That was the sad part. He was actually trying. "I'll try harder." It would have been easier with somehar he respected telling him this. Somehar that didn't have the same history as the two of them. But, this was the situation, and Seel had to learn to live with it.

"Thirty years ago I locked Flick in a guest room and posted guards when he visited Forever. Did you know that? I haven't done that recently." Really, Seel, that wasn't great. But by comparison? Well, he was doing stellar.

He took a breath. "I'm trying. You just make it look damn easy."

He probably was trying, too, even if it never seemed to make any kind of a difference. But really, what else was he expecting? Seel hadn't changed so much in 30 years as he liked to believe. There was some, yes, but he was still Seel, and he was still struggling against being told anything, whether it was what to do or in general. Still a child, in so many ways.

"It isn't, Seel. I don't know why you expect it to be. Nothing I have ever done was easy."

No, Seel hadn't changed. He hadn't undergone any massive revelations or changes that would cause him to self reflect. He just tried a tiny bit harder so Swift wouldn't make him sleep alone. He didn't want to disappoint Swift. But here? Here? There was no one who would know. Cal might tell on him when they got back, but Seel had his version of the story too. Either way, Swift was far away right now. And Pell, this Pell, was too much of a child to have any clout or weight behind his actions.

Seel was still a child. He had to be handled like one sometimes too.

"No, I don't suppose it was." And yet, there Cal was, not the one throwing fits.

He didn't suppose? But no, he wasn't going to rise to that. Seel wasn't trying to prod him and they were supposed to be making peace. He wasn't o young anymore as to take offense at everything. Instead of lashing out he sighed and pushed off the door, taking a few cautious steps toward Seel instead. Hopefully he wouldn't take that poorly.

"What else do you want me to say, Seel? I've done what I can. You've learned a lesson for the moment, at least. I'm tired of fighting with you."

Seel tensed momentarily before relaxing, remembering that Cal wasn't going to hurt him. He had to trust. Trust the har that saved his harling. Calanthe had come a long way, and Seel had to give him that. Acknowledge that. Even if he hated every single fucking minute of it.

"I'm tired of fighting with you too. But honestly? I don't know how else to be. It's like a dance I can't forget the moves of."

Maybe it was a good idea he was going to see Sweets. If he could ever work up the courage. Or the time.

He saw that, Seel. When he tensed Cal stopped moving again, wanting desperately to sigh at him but not letting himself do it, either. No telling right now how Seel would react to that. At least he hadn't started shouting yet and Cal wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible.

"Do you even want to learn something new, Seel?"

What a loaded question. The answer to Cal was no. No he didn't. But Seel knew better than to say that out loud, and he wasn't even sure if it was the truth. It was just what he told himself, and Seel was self aware enough to know that what he told himself wasn't always the truth.

"I'm not sure. I'm not sure I even know how to anymore."

At least that was the truth. He wasn't sure. Of anything. That was better than 'no' right?

"That doesn't matter." He stepped forward again, closing the distance and reaching out a hand to rest on Seel's cheek. If the har would even let him touch him. That was still up in the air. And honestly, if he were in Seel's place he might not have let himself touch him either.

"Do you want to? That's the important part. Are you actually going to try or have you given up?"

Seel let him. Sometimes he was just tired of fighting. At the moment, he was tired. Until the rage would bubble up inside him, but for the moment, it held its peace. Underneath it all, the har opposite him was still Cal. He was still that damn insatiable little fuck of a boy who stole booze from his parents liquor cabinet(they probably never even noticed), got drunk enough to light the place on fire with their cigarettes and fucked each others brains out.

Life was simpler then. Wasn't it? Before everything went to hell. "Do you remember when we were young? You'd bring smokes and booze and I'd forget all about my math homework."

It wasn't an answer. Was it?

Small improvements. At least Seel wasn't pulling away from him. Maybe one day they wouldn't have to tear each other apart first to get here. He doubted it, but he could hope, right? Or maybe that was just naive and he'd seen more than enough in his life to know better.

He even managed a small smile at the memories, suddenly feeling a little nostalgic. If only they'd known at the time that that was the most innocent point in their life.

"I'm prettier than math homwork."

"You always were."

Seel was caught up in nostalgia. Which, all things considered, was probably one of the best ways this could go. He'd gone all the way back. Before they clawed at each other and fucked up each others lives. He might not be ready to face Calanthe in the present, but the past? That was safer.

He wished he had bargained with Fear or Delight for alcohol but he had no props. Instead, he only had what was left of his cigarettes and offered one to Cal with one hand, his other wrapping around the har's waist.

"You sure you remember how this went?"

Cal just smiled at the confirmation of his beauty--he'd always known it, too, there wasn't a point in denying it. He didn't drop his hand from Seel's face, either, caressing his cheek rather softly, still not sure how well he'd take to anything else. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, perhaps, but better get nothing than another screaming match. Seel was good at those.

He did accept the offered cigarette, though it meant removing his hand from Seel's cheek to light it and inhale the smoke before he handed it back to him. Probably starting him on his bad hbit again, but who was there to see him do it who would care?

"How we went? It's not so hard to remember. Which I thought we decided was the entire problem. IT would do you some good to change the rules this time."

Seel leaned in slightly to the carress, lost in a romantic notion of the past. Or as romantic as two drunken boys rutting could be. He took the cigarette from Cal, inhaling the smoke. Fuck quitting. Quitting was hard. And life here was hard enough, wasn't it?

"And what rules would that be, Cal? How do you want me to shake things up? I can't avoid you. I can't ignore you. So what were you thinking of?"

Wondering, Seel reached out to brush Cal's hair with his fingers. They weren't clawing at each other. Actually, this wasn't half bad.

Really, Cal had always known he was a bad influence, and he reveled in it. It felt nice to wind someone up, make what he wanted of them, feel like he had any kind of power. Back then it was all he had. Now that he had more than he knew what to do with it had lost its allure. Maybe that was why he'd been so perfect for the job. Or maybe he'd just yelled until he wore everyhar down and they didn't have a choice but to take him or keep listening to the screaming.

He turned his head to brush his lips over Seel's fingers, sliding his arms over the har's shoulders as he did. And they hadn't even insulted each other yet.

"You're a har, Seel." Cal's voice was soft, now, more emotional. "You're a person, too, regardless of what others may think of you. Let me follow you for once."

Seel clammed right up. Every muscle in his body tightened until he forced himself to release. What was the problem? Ag, what was wrong with him? Cal, for once, was treating him like another har, a fucking equal, and Seel was ready to throw a fit. Why? To be contrary? On some level, did he just enjoy fighting with Cal?

"Are you sure? Some days I feel like chattel." To be fair, Seel's voice had gotten more emotional as well. This wouldn't fix everything. Couldn't. But it was a step in the right direction, wasn't it? He closed the final gap between them, sharing breath, lips pressed against lips, sharing just how used he felt over the years. Consort, pawn, spy.

Part of that, at least, Cal knew was his fault. He'd broken Seel apart long before the Uigenna, before Wraxilan and the monsters that he'd stopped believing still lived in the shadows proved they were still alive. When they thought they were immortal and could take on the entire world before they learned the hard way that they were only pieces.

At first he just let Seel's feelings wash over him in their shared breath. It wasn't as if he felt he deserved it, but the least he could do now was follow through with what he'd said, letting Seel take the lead, showing him where he wanted to go. If it was going to be an emotional journey, so be it. Give it to him, Seel, he can take it. Maybe it would help them both understand a little better.

A few moments later, though, he pushed back, gently, at least trying to give him some sort of comfort. It may not have been much--and he may not have been the har he needed it from--but he could try.

Seel had changed so much since he first met Cal. Over the years he'd like to think he found himself again, not quite that geeky kid who looked up and idolized Cal like a puppy. He'd grown up, but some parts of himself were irrevocably broken. Like so many first generation hara. Things got broken during the growing pains. Maybe that was part of it. He'd never quite gotten over the idolization. Despite everything that Cal had done, and done to him.....that was his power wasn't it?

Cal might not have been the hara Seel wanted or needed this from, but there were things that Swift couldn't give him too. As much as he loved him, with all his heart, Swift position was an immovable one. Seel wasn't even second in command. Or maybe he was now. They hadn't actually talked about anything ever since Ithiel's death. But somehar shouldn't have to die for him to be put in the ranking. Trust. It was easier to give to somehar who didn't fly off the handle.

Seel shared, accepting what Cal offered, and offering up his own glimpses in hopes of coming to an understanding. Thiede trading him up to the upstart child that was Terzian's heir, rousting him from his life once again; Thiede, emotionally manipulating both of them, Thiede, was it him or Seel himself that made him lock Flick in that guest room? Or a merging of both? Swift. His first instinct hadn't been to send him to rescue their son. He knew Swift hadn't meant it like that but, first instincts meant something didn't they? Trust.

Small steps were better than no steps, and at least it was progress. It wasn't all happy, but it never was. He'd gotten so used to that, that it had become normal. There were happy bits, but never anything truly happy. They'd seen and lived too much for that Nothing could ever just be happy or hopeful. There was always an undercurrent of something darker.

But that didn't mean it was nothing, either. There was something there, some glimmer of possibility that things might get better, that one day they might actually get over the past and move forward into the future. That maybe they'd actually start to think of each other as people again.

Cal wanted desperately to take control again, take the lead like he always did, but he'd promised. He wanted to shove Seel into a wall and roon him until he couldn't even think without wincing but he'd at least learned to restrain himself now and just held onto him instead, sharing breath remarkably calmly, hoping that, if nothing else, he was at least an anchor of calm while Seel worked through what he needed.

If Seel had the semblance of mind at the moment to admire Cal's restraint, he would have. But he was working things through, sifting through memories and feelings until he sorted through the tangled mess, happier memories floating through of the life he'd built with Swift. He was actually happy, and it didn't really matter if the feelings were his own or of Thiede's creation. Happiness was happiness. Maybe he just needed to be reminded of that, especially in here, with all his anchors gone and Cal and a too young Pell for company.

It didn't help him with Cal though, did it? Finally, he let Cal go, his breath slowing to nothing as he parted lips, barely touching, before he pressed them closer again, nipping. It was never like this with Cal. Did he even know how to be gentle? Or did both their Uigenna blood respond to each other. That was a horrible thought. That they were unable to relate to each other as anything other than animals.

Cal was breathing hard once they separated and he managed a soft sile in the moment he had to catch his breath before Seel was on him again, nipping at his lips and he was distracted again. He was rather good at that, being distracting. He always had been. Or maybe Cal had made him that way. It had been so long he couldn't remember anymore.

He ran his hands down Seel's back, touch light and feathery. He could play nice when he wanted--when it was what a partner wanted. And this was something he could actually do--a gift, even, that Seel desperately needed, regardless of whether or not he thought he did.

As Seel remembered, Cal was usually the distraction. Math homework, science, just for the hell of it. Just because they could roon and rut and writhe in the ground. But that was the 'old' Cal. The one driven by instinct and desire who did whatever he wanted and fucked the world. What was this new Cal like? What was it like to roon the Tigron? Seel smiled softly, wondering what it was about them that kept bringing them together. Was it just habit? Seel knew what Cal liked and vice versa. Or were they just tied together in a way, two boys who walked into a rotting cellar and didn't come out.

He could barely believe Cal was being gentle, Seel was so used to being overpowered and overwhelmed. Cal was swamping. He still was, but this way, he could still breathe. His voice caught in his throat, his lips and skin tingling where Cal touched.

Seel moved a hand forward, brushing the other har's chest still clothed in fabric. How was it they were still clothed?

"This is nice." He actually sounded surprised.

Seel sounded shocked and really Cal should not have been surprised. He'd be surprised too if he were Seel.

"Expecting something else?" Of course he was. He was expecting them to fall back into the same dance regardless of their good intentions and what Cal had promised. It wasn't as if there wasn't a precedent already. But he had made that offer and he intended to follow through on it. Seel was in charge this time. Hopefully it didn't go immediately to his head.

He ran a hand through Seel's hair a few times, keeping that soft mysterious smile on his face. Still a brat, but at least a more contained one.

"Yes. You really have changed, haven't you?" The shock still reverberated through his voice, not believing the sounds and the sight in front of him despite the reality of the situation. He almost asked if this was what it was like with him and Pell, but the comparison couldn't be the same. It'd be like asking if this was what Seel and Swift had, touch was touch, but the emotional connection wasn't there. Still it was strange, to be with Cal, and yet not have him as the driving force. He almost didn't know what to do. It was so....backwards.

But if Cal kept up like this? It would totally go to Seel's head. That was his default after all. Seel stared at Cal almost in shock, taking it all in, the small smile on his face, that hint, oh so self contained, the soft hand that ran through his hair. His mouth fell open, as if really seeing Cal for the first time.

"I'm not sure whether I should be offended that you're so shocked." He could at least understand why Seel was. He hadn't exactly been so calm before. And the last time they'd talked it had been more unequal than he was trying for now. More of Cal in charge and Seel expected to follow. Maybe he was ruining that by doing this now, but he was supposed to be helping, making peace.

He shook his head and raised his hand to Seel's chin, closing his mouth with a wry grin.

"IF you're not careful you'll catch flies that way."

"I'm....not used to you like this." All the times before, both here in the cave and back home, Cal had been Tigron. He'd been in charge and Seel had to accept it. This was more on equal standing. Or at least, he was pretending. Either way, it was a shock.

But Cal closing his mouth brought him back, smiling. Seel tested his limits, pushing the har toward the bed more aggressively. Was he really going to let him lead?

"Things change. So do people. You should know that." But anything else he might have said was cut off as Seel pushed him and he fell onto the bed, surprised and laughing. Fine. If that's how Seel wanted to play, he could play along. He held his arms open toward him with a grin from where he's sat down hard.

"Coming?"

Seel had to smile at that, and his inner ten year old wanted to laugh and make an cute comment back at him. But, this was about proving that they were more than their past, so instead, he took a few steps forward, and followed Cal onto the bed.

Things changed. People changed. He wasn't the scared little boy he was when he met Cal. He had changed. And he could change again. Just as Cal had. It was time to find out just how much he had.

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