hadriel_logs | you feel so close

Entry tags:

you feel so close

Who: Saber/

sheathes, Irisviel/

hotspurred, anyone else at/visiting Hope's temple who wants to run into her.
What: Saber finally gets her revive.
Where: Hope's temple.
When: The 12th.
Warnings: Discussion of death/violence, kissing (finally). Nothing too graphic.

[ It's like being summoned again, when she comes back. Not an unpleasant feeling, but a strange one; traces of mana coalescing on the altar until Saber herself takes form. She opens her eyes, and she at least knows one thing — Hope survived. It's his temple she's at, and his magic that revived her. Perhaps he is weakened, but that can be fixed, with time.

Her phone is at her side, and she reaches for it immediately. First, her duty to the guard, to Henry. Text, so as not to pull him away from a conflict, to not interfere with the task she left him with. ]

Henry. Does the battle still rage?

[ Then... something else. Text, again, but for a different reason; a king should not show emotion, and she finds herself afraid of what her voice might reveal. Equally afraid that she might not receive a response, if Irisviel has come to some harm. ]

Irisviel. [ She could leave it as that. She doesn't. ] I would see our contract renewed, if you would have me once more.

[ One thing is already obvious: the gods are weakened, and so is she. Her contract with Irisviel severed by her own death, Saber finds herself once more reliant on their mana instead, and the supply is weaker than ever. She knows it's not enough to fight, and so she waits at Hope's temple, for those who might come. ]

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Saber. At last.

[He'll save the yelling at her for making them worry for in person.]

The battle is won. At some cost, but we are safe.

Is Irisviel with you? You have missed much; there is a great deal to tell you. Yet that can wait.

[He's prepared to give them some privacy before he seeks her out.]

I see. My apologies for being unable to assist you further.

[ She feels relief at knowing they won, but guilt at the losses. Maybe she could have prevented some... but no, she did the right thing. Had Delight been allowed to advance, far worse could have happened.

Saber hesitates as her thoughts turn in another direction. ]

I have asked her to renew her contract with me. I do not presume she will accept, though it is my sincere wish to stand at her side once more. [ Which sounds almost romantic, until she adds: ] And at yours, of course. I have not forgotten my duty to this city.

Without our stand Delight would have slain Hope. You did more than enough.

[Saber...]

I am honoured. Yet one hopes that you see a distinct difference between the two, for Irisviel's sake.

A king should not leave the battlefield before the fight is won, Henry.

[ She doesn't know that he fell not long after her, but she can hazard a guess. Theirs was not a battle to win, but a battle to buy time, to defend. ]

But of course. She is my lady, though as worthy a comrade as any knight. [ This isn't a good answer. ]

[Communicating anything by text seems completely foolish at this point in time. Their connection severe, Irisviel doesn't even know that Saber's returned until she gets the message, and she nearly drops the phone in surprise. She's thought the worst, somewhere in the back of her mind, as much as she would have liked to be optimistic still. She doesn't respond to the message at all, instead making her way across the scaling planet to burst into Hope's now-floating temple.

By the time she arrives she's breathless, splattered wet from splashes from the oasis surrounding the temple.]

Saber. [Her title comes out as a hazy exhale. She didn't realize until now how little she thought she'd see her again.]

[ It's strange, how long the minutes without a response seem. She's gotten to used to their connection, used to knowing Irisviel's status almost as an extension of her own; not knowing if she is alive, unharmed, if she is coming at all, is an unpleasant sensation, and one she could do without.

They're bound by more than just magic, though. She feels a tug, sudden and distinct, and looks up just in time to see Irisviel before she hears her name. It doesn't matter that she's a mess, that her face is marred by concern instead of the joyful smile she should always wear. Saber hasn't seen anything so beautiful since Henry showed her a vision of home. ]

Irisviel. [ Quiet. As if reinforcing that she's here. A tiny smile crosses her face as she sits on the altar, her expression almost bashful. ] It seems I was gone for quite some time.

Edited (forgot a word) 2017-12-14 04:59 (UTC)

[She looks, feels, is exhausted, her energy stores depleted after weeks of nonstop moving, fighting, magecraft. But new energy sears into her body the minute they make eye contact, and she feels briefly reinvigorated.

Frozen in place for only a moment, Irisviel moves as soon as that spell is broken. She closes the distance between them with hurried steps, her arms open for an embrace. She hasn't forgotten about the contract, but that will have to come later.

Certain that Saber couldn't have come back with any additional injuries, Irisviel barrels into her, the hug coming with a lot of force and desperation.]

It's not like you to be so late, Saber. [She laughs but there's no breath in her lungs.]

[ She's surprised when Irisviel hugs her, because of course she is. Such affection is rare, and she's certainly never been hugged with such force — after all, their first reunion had been marred by doubt, by Saber's accusations that the woman in front of her could not possibly be real.

She knows better now. She knows that the woman wrapping her arms around her right now is, indisputably, the same one who stood at her side for those two weeks during the war. Who has stood at her side in the months since they came here. ]

I came as soon as I was able. [ She wasn't aware of the passing of time at all. To her it's been moments, but to Irisviel... ] My apologies... for leaving you alone again.

[ After she promised not to. After she swore to stand at Irisviel's side in return, and not to leave. She'd do it all again, for her duty, for everyone, but her apology is still genuine.

She can feel the corners of her eyes sting, and realizes she's crying. It's a strange feeling, that brings back memories of Camlann, of Lancelot, of destroying the Holy Grail. But it isn't sadness this time, it's relief. Her arms raise to embrace Irisviel in return, almost too tightly to be comfortable. ]

I'm happy to see you. [Of course, the whole conversation seems silly, even dwarfed by the situation around them. They weren't separated by simple distance or time. It was death and danger, a real threat...but now that it's all past them and the future is an uncertain, ruined desert, it seems possible to have these moments again.

Irisviel doesn't break the embrace right away, her face buried still in Saber's shoulder, so she doesn't see the tears right away. Speechless, she holds the touch for a few moments longer, then leans away to finally speak more.]

I should have told you about it before, as soon as it happened, I -

Oh, Saber, you're crying. [She's never seen it before, and her voice sounds marveled at the possibility that she is seeing it, having never expected it.]

[ She runs her hand through the back of Irisviel's hair as she pulls away, as if unready to let her go for even a moment. As if any distance seems too far. Not even bothering to wipe her eyes, or to hide her tears, she nods. ]

Even a Servant can shed tears. Even a king. [ Never for herself. But for her country, her knights... for Irisviel. ] But my feelings are those of relief, I assure you.

[ Despite everything, she manages to smile faintly. She isn't going to cut a very reassuring figure if all she does is cry like a fresh-faced squire receiving his first wound. ]

Are you unharmed? [ It should have been the first question she asked, but her emotions are always kept so tightly in check; of course they would overwhelm her when she allowed them to prevail. ]

[She's not hurt in any substantial way, though she came from the battles with her fair share of scrapes and bruises and less-normal injuries. The Null were not usual fighters in any way.

She's frozen for a few moments again, then shakes her head. Then nods, much quicker, realizing that the response doesn't quite match Saber's question and that she was too distracted to respond appropriately.

Irisviel rests her palm against Saber's cheek, letting her thumb sweep away some of the stray tears resting there. Silent, still distracted, she leans closer, nearly as close as they were when they hugged.]

What a silly question, [she says, and kisses her.]

[ It is no such thing, to her. Irisviel's safety is of immeasurable importance, and knowing she was unable to guarantee it causes her no small amount of distress. But Irisviel's mouth is on hers, sudden and unexpected, before she can answer.

So she answers with that instead. Her reaction is tentative, but sure; lips gently pushing back against Irisviel's, tongue sweeping over her own after they part. When she kissed Guinevere at their wedding, it had been Arthur the king, not Arturia the girl; her feelings for the other woman suppressed for the sake of her kingdom. This is different. This carries all the emotion it deserves, to the extent that it surprises even Saber herself. ]

I... [ Her eyes are wide. She's still crying, she realizes, a few tears working down her cheek to replace the ones Irisviel swept away, but now she's blushing as well. ] I fear this is just another dream.

[ But Servants don't dream. Saber's hand raises to cup the back of Irisviel's head as she stares at her. Like her voice, it's trembling; as though she's still waiting for the other shoe to fall, even now. ]

[She's surprised by the intensity of the kiss, having expected it might be hesitant or frightened. The reality is wholly different, and by the time they part, Irisviel's all but joined her on the altar.]

I saw your dream. [She inhales.] I should have said something then; I was there, but I didn't want to embarrass you... [She could have seen it ending poorly, Saber withdrawing into herself and not wanting to acknowledge it at all or being ashamed of her feelings.

Her cheeks are flushed, too, her eyes glimmering with a thin well of unshed tears. Saber's crying hasn't stopped, so Irisviel runs her thumb along the wet tracks again, brushing a few more away, even if they'll just be replaced in seconds.]

Sorry. I should have asked before I did that.

[ Her cheeks heat up even more. She remembers the dream clearly — remembers all of them clearly, but that one had laid her bare for an entirely different reason than the rest. ]

I thought it strange, [ she admits, ] that I would dream at all. But I see the influence of the gods was stronger than I imagined. Know that I wished only for your happiness, and that I might play some small role in it.

[ To not just make her dream, but to have Irisviel within them... as Irisviel feared, she does feel almost ashamed, even if her thoughts were hardly impure. But when Irisviel apologizes, Saber's quick to shake her head, a few strands of hair coming loose from the sudden movement. ]

It is I who should apologize. I have learned much here... but I fear I failed to understand your heart most of all, Irisviel. [ Old habits. Bad habits. She doesn't want to sink back into failing those around her again. ] Is this truly how you feel?

[ Her voice is disbelieving, but the question is genuine. She'll accept Irisviel's answer instead of trying to speak for her. ]

Oh, no. You have nothing to apologize for. And...your dream was a beautiful one. The rest of it was hard for me to understand, too.

[She knew what love is, of course, but Saber was her friend, first, and who could have told her that both loves could be the same, at the same time?

Irisviel finds she can't stop touching Saber's face, brushing more tears away, cupping the side of her jaw, feeling the warmth of her skin newly brought back to the physical world.

Her answer to Saber's question is another kiss, enthusiastic and clumsy. Hopefully it's all the explanation she needs.]

It was a dream of peace. [ She says, while Irisviel is touching her face. ] Of contentment. Britain is my everything, but it was always the people who I truly cared for.

[ That's why her dream had been of Irisviel instead of England. Of a person instead of her homeland. One is out of reach, by both time and space; the other is here in her arms. This time, she doesn't cry when she feels Irisviel's lips on her own, but she does chuckle a little when the kiss ends. ]

Ah... regardless, have you considered my request, Irisviel? [ The contract, seemingly forgotten for a moment. ] Though lovely, this is is an inefficient way of exchanging mana. And no matter how much strength the gods provide, I would sooner take your hand as knight and Servant.

Ah, ah, yes. As much as I'd like to continue here... Yes, we should renew our contract as soon as possible. Unless you feel it would put you in some compromised position, now.

[She doesn't think it would; Servants must at times find themselves entangled emotionally with their Masters, be the relationship passionate or something else.

But she's hard-pressed to think of anything that would feel to her as pure or as important as her time with Saber. If they could exist without any interference in the same time period...she's sure it would be just as extraordinary. They're uniquely drawn together. She sits back, putting a little distance between them so they can do the work.]

Are you all here and accounted for? It took you so long... I fear there may have been side effects.

I do not believe so. Though weakened, my spiritual core feels intact.

[ 'Weakened' is quite an underestimation — she's barely able to move — but Irisviel doesn't need to know that... even if she'll discover it once they've contracted. But a knight is allowed her secrets, and she doesn't want to sully this moment with wasted concern. ]

Give me your hand, Irisviel. [ It's a request, spoken softly. If Irisviel does, Saber will take kiss her knuckles as she speaks. ] Let the bond between us grow. Mine is not a compromised position, but a strengthened one. I offer you not only my sword, but my heart as well.

[ A heart she never gave to anyone, only to her kingdom. But there is room for both, if she is to live as a human and not solely a king. ]

[Of course she gives her hand to Saber, blushing as her lips ghost across her knuckles.

The lines of the incantation are less spoken and more felt, traced into existence with a few small movements of her lips and fingers. Saber's body is not just her sword, but she fears she'll throw herself into danger at the very next sign of it. It's in her nature as both knight and servant.

Her free hand clasps both of theirs together.]

Then, Saber... Will you accept me?

Of course. From the day I was summoned, the day I swore my sword to you outside that castle... I have always accepted you.

[ Maybe she should have known then. But she spent twenty years detaching herself from human feelings, human emotions; to the point where Irisviel was far more human than she could ever hope to be. Even now, that hasn't changed. But... ]

I have never truly understood the hearts of others. But I will do my best to understand yours, Irisviel. [ Quietly: ] And... I believe I have come to a conclusion about my wish, as well. I made many mistakes during my rule, but I wanted to believe that my path was right. Perhaps I should not seek to change that.

[ It feels right. To give herself to Irisviel like this is something she could not have done as king, cannot do if she holds herself to that still. Her oath still binds her, but perhaps it does not need to be her entire existence. Perhaps she does not need to erase everything she is, was, has been. ]

Your wish? [she repeats, surprised. Could it have changed so much? She remembers how much it had hurt Saber to sit around that barrel of wind and not only bare her uncertainties, but be ridiculed for them. Saber may think she is barely human, that she is incapable of understanding humanity, but Irisviel knows that's not half the truth. Saber knows, and what Saber doesn't know, she's learning every day.

She holds Saber's hand in hers, glad the burned scars from her previous Seals have already faded while Saber was gone for so long.

Will you tell me? [Irisviel doesn't want to pry. They are close, but they don't have to share everything. She wouldn't consider it keeping a harmful secret.

[ She nods. ] I could not obtain the Holy Grail in life. For the chance to obtain it... for the sake of my kingdom, I offered my soul in death as well.

[ The Grail is Irisviel's— is Irisviel. Saber has always spoken of it with reverence, even knowing it was not the same holy artifact she sought in life. Its power remains undeniable. ]

After the War ended... I believed that another should take my place as king. That the act of drawing the sword from the stone... no, my very existence, was a mistake that must be undone. [ She'd spoken about it at length with Henry, unwilling to see any other option. But now... ] But that is foolish. On that day, I swore an oath to keep fighting. To undo my past would be a disgrace to that oath, and to all who followed me. I accomplished my duties as best I could, and fulfilled my role.

So I will stay, and watch over you. I do not need the Holy Grail. I have already lived and died as a king... and in this life, I have everything I need. [ Happiness. Something she doesn't deserve, but Irisviel does, and if she can be part of that... she's content. ]

[Now Irisviel's the one to burst into tears. Saber has enough here. She can end her pursuit.

That hits her harder than she thinks either of them would have expected. No one, in her wildest imagination, could have left the Grail alone, even knowing its darkest nature, the truth of its corruption. Even when Kiritsugu begged her to abandon it, she'd talked him down, knowing he couldn't, knowing it would be impossible for him to forsake that dream.

That Saber would willingly make that decision, especially after resolving herself to a different wish, makes the tears she'd been holding since stumbling into Hope's temple suddenly flow all at once.

She buries her face in Saber's shoulder as if to stem them, saying 'oh,' softly and quietly, and 'oh,' again, as if she didn't even realize it was something she had wanted.]

[ It feels like a burden has been lifted from her shoulders — one she's been carrying all her life, one that only doubled after her last failure in the War. Saber allows herself a sigh of relief, and it distracts her enough that Irisviel's tears take her completely by surprise. ]

I... Irisviel! [ Startled, she freezes a moment, but then gently rubs at the back of Irisviel's head. A shoulder to cry on (or into) is the least she can offer her now. ] Do not misunderstand. I cannot stay in this world forever... it is my fate to die on that hill. I must do that to move past it.

[ Thanks, Debbie Downer... but it's already been written. Without the Holy Grail to rewrite it, she has to accept it — and she does, utterly, but Irisviel must as well. ]

But I have already extended my contract with you. As long as you remain, so do I. There is no harm in... a delay. [ She's smiling, despite the morbid topic. The moment Irisviel pulls away, Saber will kiss her again; softly, but not without passion. ] All dreamers must wake eventually, but the dream itself can still be pleasant.

[It's true. Like Saber, Irisviel's time is borrowed: all trace of her has been erased from the world they came from. King Arthur at least has his grave to memorialize him; she has Ilyasviel, her last living memory on earth.

She leans away from Saber's shoulders, accepts the kiss, then wipes the tears from her eyes.]

I understand. We have to enjoy our dream.

[But right now, Saber is still week, so they should return to safety and rest while they can.]

And ourselves, within it.

[ Gay. Saber stands, taking a moment to revel in her restored power, her smile slight but telling. Then, wordlessly, she offers Irisviel her arm, the motion as familiar as it is precious to her, and makes for the exit. ]

Henry told me that the battle was won. Has much else changed, Irisviel? [ She has no idea, but she'll find out in a moment. ]

[The innocence of the question catches Irisviel completely off guard, and she finds herself stifling an outburst of laughter. Saber can't possibly understand why the question is so silly given the occasion, so she's quick to cover her mouth, shake he head, and try to stifle the mirth.]

I don't even know where to start, Saber.

We're in the desert. [Well. That's one place to start, and it gets the biggest and most difficult to explain change out of the way.]

The desert? I—

[ The surprise is, understandably, obvious on her face. She actually comes to a halt for a moment. ]

Then the city has moved again. [ She remembers Fear mentioning it. The movements have never changed their own surroundings, but there's no reason why it couldn't, in theory. ] Hope is still injured. Do the people have water? Are the buildings intact, that they might find adequate shelter?

[ Straight back into king mode. She'll be fine; temperatures rarely pose a problem to her. But the young, the old, the injured... this is not Britain, but her will to protect people extends beyond her own. ]

[Irisviel lifts a hand.] It's all right, Saber. We lost a lot -- the clinic burned, the orchard -- but there's still shelter. Food is scarce, but there's water around.

[Many died during the fighting, though most were brought back well ahead of Saber. She holds off on saying anything about that yet, but there's something important that she does need to know, something that can't be overwritten.]

And. Sorrow was killed.

... I see.

[ She'd once thought to judge the gods by their names alone, but Delight proved that to be an impossibility. Sorrow is an emotion she has no small amount of experience with, and those times were hardly positive... and yet he was responsible for the orchard, and had always seemed somewhat reasonable as a being. So her opinion of him is not entirely coloured by her prior assumptions. ]

I should have prevented it. [ She sighs, tired. She'll beat herself up about it later, but there's no point doing so now, when she can't change what happened. ] Excalibur's power should have been enough to stop Delight.

[ Her sword is the light of the moon, like Gawain's was the light of the sun. Underground in the cave, ambushed without warning, targeted by a weapon designed to kill beings like her... just getting off the blast was difficult enough. Any more, and she risked destroying Irisviel along with herself. ]

I will make amends for my failure. [ Better to focus on the now. ]

You can't blame yourself for that Saber, really. You were injured already. I know; I felt it.

[To sit on Hope's altar much longer now that both of them are whole and reassembled would feel strange. Not wanting to rush Saber, Irisvil wipes her eyes and stands slowly, offering her hand. It reminds her of the time someone opened her car door and offered an arm, promising to lead her through the new city.]

Let's work together now.

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you feel so close

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