buckshot is my bread; i'll drink whiskey instead of water.

[circumitus]

Who: Rey and close CR/semi-OPEN.
What: In the wake of the Null attack, Rey tries to deal with current events by straight up not dealing at all.
Where: Robot House (1401).
When: Catch-all for December. Please put the date in the subject line!
Warnings: Poor coping mechanisms, depression, anger, suicidal ideations, starvation, fun stuff like that.

Note: As of December 12th, Rey will temporarily be without network access until further notice.

---

Not long after the light of the twin suns peeked through the cracks of every window did Rey do everything in her power remedy this new situation. Having lost Maketh and so much more than that has left a hole in her chest that she can't quite bring herself to even try and fill, and the sun is the last sensation she wants on her skin. Can't drag herself off the floor and go about business as usual, either. Can't do much of anything.

At first it comes in bursts of anger. Screaming and clawing at her own arms. Whatever pain and damage done to herself only heals again in a matter of hours -- sometimes days, before there is a risk of anyone noticing. Her selective healing has its benefits, depending on one's perspective.

Not that Rey gives one much opportunity to stop by and notice. The windows of her room are blackened with layers of opaque cloth, boards sealing them shut from any unwanted visitors peeking inside. The bed pins to the sliding door, leading to that balcony connecting the neighboring bedroom; its mattress props up to serve as a barricade from prying eyes.

In a sense, she's created her own tomb; a place for her to curl up and die. Food is far from her mind, and with the prospect of a shortage in sight, it's decided that any supplies are better passed on the likes of her.

She's no good to anyone, least of all herself.

At least Nick has been kept busy with the Guard, given his new rank. She hates to think of the circumstances that got him there, but he's had more than enough to deal with without Rey piling onto the stack. Though it probably didn't take long for the synthetic detective to figure out why Rey wasn't answering any messages, why her presence on the network has been nonexistent, why she's made herself so scarce. It didn't take a private eye to notice the discarded device floating in a concoction that has since liquefied in the kitchen blender. In a passing moment of blind anger and grief, Rey severed her ties to the outside. She knew the apologies and grievances that would follow Maketh's death, and if she could lay here and pretend that things are still okay, that she will wake up tomorrow and things will somehow be different, that they will work themselves out one way or another...

What did she do wrong? It isn't something Rey thinks about much, simply because she usually knows the answer already. But now the answer is muddled. Clouded. Her head a fog. And maybe it's from the extended hours of sleep, of nothing but sleep; the days of not eating or drinking, barely parting from her dark room to handle some of the personal necessities she has deemed worth tending to, she just hasn't been able to think. And yet she's had too much time to think.

Maybe she's hoping for another dream again. A fantasy to play out so that she can at least find an illusion of peace. In some sick twist, she would rather be on a battlefield than this, surrounded by the music of gunfire and mortar and the smell of smoke and blood. Give her something tangible, something that she can hurt and kill. Send her anywhere but the prison of her own head, harrowed by affliction and terrible memories.

Strange, how she hasn't cried. The tears are there, close to the precipice, and yet she can't cry. To most, Maketh is just gone home. For Rey, the truth is much more grim than that.

So she lays there, curled up on the floor of her black room. Buried under a mountain of blankets and the weight of guilt. Anyone able to push through the door will immediately notice a lump on the floor, in the middle of the bedroom. Sometimes that lump stirs in sleep, unwilling to wake at the slightest hint of intrusion. And sometimes her feral instincts want blood between her teeth, to find something that she can claw and stab and tear apart.

It's been a long time since she's eaten now. What supply water she has acquired from her first day has been stored in stacks inside the closet, along with a cache of liquor from the Speakeasy. She won't be making any pitstops at her establishment, so she might as well stock up on the only thing she wants while she can.

Even if that desire will ultimately destroy her, she can't find a reason to give a damn anymore.

Comments

[circumitus]

Who can say what's waiting for those who have arrived here from another world that wasn't their own. For all they know, some of the people disappear from here only to end up somewhere else like this place.

Somehow, she has doubts in this case. But Rey can't bring herself to even try and hope for something better. She's been disappointed enough as it is.

"She... believed I betrayed her." The muscles in her arms tighten, as does the painful knot in her chest. Her eyes squeeze shut. "I hurt her. She was kicked out of the Guard because of me. Because she just had to have a fucking enemy, and the gods were more convenient to hate. Didn't matter who she got killed in order to achieve her goals." Rey peers over her wrist, glancing over to the boarded up window of the room, where light barely pokes through the cracks. "I've just... been that person before. And didn't want to be that person again. Had only wanted things to go back to the way they were with us, trying to do better."

Rey didn't want Maketh to be that person she once was either, but she was hoping that would change with time.

How stupid they were to assume they would have that.

[hasitsthorns]

Just like Rose. From home to Haven to Hadriel. Part of her wonders what will be next. The other part of her hopes that it's nothing but the finality of death that she tries not to desire from day to day.

'Back to where things were,' is a sentiment that Rose knows all too well. She thinks of Wade and how they haven't spoken a single day since she's been here. Her text message had been ignored and that was honestly enough of an answer for her. With the new Newt here who didn't remember her, all she wanted was for her old packmate back. "We can't go back, we can only go forward," she finally decides to say. "It took me a long time to realize that. I still try and fight it sometimes now, but I think... it's impossible to capture the past in a way that will make you truly happy."

If there is a way that it can happen, Rose hasn't found it.

"But I am sorry that you didn't have a chance to reconcile or fix what was broken. Not having that closure is... I wouldn't wish it on anyone."

[circumitus]

It's fitting how much Rose's desires coincide with the reality that Rey has been dealing with, day by every goddamned day, since the Null were decimated from the streets.

"It isn't just not being able to reconcile with her, it's... She's--"

The words are trapped, a fire on her tongue. Rey's heart is in splinters and there's no time that can mend it, no words that can soothe it.

Hands pulling over the side of her head, digging into her ears, Rey fights the tears through her eyes squeezed shut. But they come anyway, once she finishes what she's struggled to choke out: "She is dead... Henry said that we needed time but we didn't have time because now she's just fucking dead!"

People come and go. Sometimes they come back. The only thing more painful than this, however, is hope.

[hasitsthorns]

"Ah," is all she says, at first. Perhaps a bit of an under-reaction. It's not because she doesn't feel for Rey. She does. A little too strongly, actually, which is the very reason her response seems so muted. It hits far too close to home.

Does Rey know that Rose is dead, too? That if she were to disappear tomorrow, it would be the cold finality of nothing? It isn't the time to tell her, but she wonders if that would mean- Hm. Better not to think too far ahead.

"It probably sounds like bologna to say that if she came here once while dead, she might come back another time. Who really knows, honestly, with the ways these places work. I can't say that she will or she won't. That anyone will or won't. And I won't tell you to hope because, honestly, that probably will just hurt fuckin' worse. I hoped for a long time my packmates would come back and that got me nowhere but disappointed and feeling more alone than ever."

It's the first time she's ever admitted that to anyone. It's not easy for Rose to be this vulnerable, for the joker's mask to crack and slip. "I also won't tell you she would've wanted you to be happy because that also sounds like malarkey to me. I guess all I really can say is I'm sorry. This is awful any way you slice it and maybe it won't get better, but the only way to go now is up because I'm not letting you down any further."

[circumitus]

In a sad way, this has been far more difficult to contend with than anything Rey had ever suffered before. With Bianca, she had anger and frustration to help her progress, and that's familiar. Something Rey is used to.

Grief is a whole other monster, though. It's darker, more insidious than anything Rey has ever known. The pain isn't something that she can just punch a few times and forget -- and she's tried. Tried bleeding that pain out of her many times. But like a poison, it spreads, infects, festers.

The fact that Rose doesn't try to appease that poison with empty promises means more to Rey than she herself even realizes.

"Not going to 'let' me, huh?" Her fingers slide over her face, catching the tears that cloud her vision as they start to fall. She doesn't even try to hide the shaking of her breath when she replies. "And what would you do if you were told to go fuck yourself?"

Oddly enough, there's no malice when she says this. She's too tired to be angry, least of all with Rose.

[hasitsthorns]

Maybe it says a lot that Rose is more familiar with the hollowing pain of grief than anything like anger. Her whole life has felt like one string of grief after another that she never had the chance to properly get over. When Charlie died, she was immediately flung into Haven. When that world was unraveling at the seams, The Door pulled her through. Her packmates left and she still hasn't quite gotten over that. One of them is still here but clearly wants nothing to do with her anymore, which. Almost hurts worse in certain ways than if he'd just disappeared with the rest of them.

Then it was Faith and now Sorrow. Rose has almost gotten used to losing people these days. Rose has gotten used to the way it stings to wake up and know they're gone, to have that lack of closure that their absence brings. But she wouldn't wish that on anyone so she's almost glad that Rey is angry. That she still has in it her to be hurt. That she isn't like Rose and just a sad shell of her former self even on the best of the days.

"I think you and I both know that's never really stopped me before." A beat. "Besides, it's been long enough since I've been laid that fucking myself is really my only option these days so... Could be worse, honestly."

[circumitus]

Could be worse... Rey could start thinking of the many ways it couldn't be worse, until Rose had to open her mouth and put it all that way.

This time, she keeps her hand planted over her face, feeling her cheeks burn and redden. She's no prude, but the facts all hit her then that just how poorly she had handled her own relationships.

"Do you have to say it like that?" Rey scoffs, trying levity to mask her chagrin.

[hasitsthorns]

Rose doesn't have any room to talk. Before Faith, she didn't have much luck in the relationship department. And even with Faith, things weren't... ideal in a lot of ways. For as much as she cared about the other woman, she wasn't actually sure if they'd have lasted with all that's happened in the cave since.

"Of course I do! I'm me. I thought that was pretty clear."

[circumitus]

The only one who probably could have worse luck in that same department than Rose would be Rey. Between Bianca's betrayal and Maketh turning her back on everyone who cared for her, it's hard to imagine how she's ever going to move on from this.

She huffs, folding her arms over her legs to press her forehead against her knees. Dammit, she's so tired...

"Fine, whatever," she concedes. "Not going to make any promises, but... Thanks."

Rose didn't have to make Rey's business her own, but here they are. Maybe that counts for something.

[hasitsthorns]

They can bond over their mutually unfortunate stints in relationships, maybe. At least Rose's partners never meant to hurt her... Not really. Wally couldn't help that he'd left, same as Faith.

But Rose understands the exhaustion that comes with the continual loss of loved ones. The way that seeps all the way down to her soul some days. More days than not lately, which is concerning but not anything she's really about to bring up.

"You don't gotta' promise anything," she says. "I did, but I ended up breaking it. So... fat lot of good it did me to promise. But I don't know. I think that's kind of natural? People backslide. Old habits die hard. You're not just going to get better overnight. All that jazz. As long as you're trying though eventually, I think... that counts for something."

[circumitus]

Intent and action seems very distinct these days. Maybe it wasn't Maketh's intent to hurt anyone when she believed herself to be the one hurt and betrayed, and maybe it was her way of trying to get them to see things her way. But it didn't work. All that's left in Rey's heart is the pain of loss, of the things she wanted to say but now never will.

Regret is a feeling that she's used to. Rey has done countless regrettable things. So why does this feel so different? Why does it hurt more?

"Guess so." She rubs mist from her eyes, and forces out a sharp sound that vaguely resembles a joyless laugh. "You know, I must've put so many people through this... After you kill enough, you don't really think about how there might've been someone who loved them, waiting for them to come home. Maybe this is what I deserved."

It must have been what Faye went through, when Rey's old self had taken away the woman that the sniper had loved. Having seen someone who had carried that grief with her for so many years, Rey can't help but wonder if there's ever an end to this horrible hole.

[hasitsthorns]

It hurts more because she didn't have any control over it. At least when it's your decision, you can own that and carry it with you in your own ways. When it's out of your hands, however, it gets under your skin and crawls into the darkest recesses of your mind. Rose knows what it means to have no control over her life or say in what happened to it.

Never again. With the gods, she's choosing to feed them and made that choice on her own early in. With Yao, she never signed up to be tortured and experimented on. Back home, she never agreed to being in a fighting ring. "You can't," she says, something melancholy behind her words and empathetic.

"After a while, it weighs on you too much. You can't think about the fact that was someone's brother or mom or friend or loved one you just killed. It'd drive you crazy." In her case, it was either them or her. And she chose herself, every single time. "So if it's what you deserve, I don't wanna think about what I do. But I guess if I'm going to Hell at least I know I'll be in good company."

[circumitus]

In some lives, opting not to think about such things didn't even occur. Some are better coping with it than others, particularly the ones who didn't care whether they were tools or soldiers. They would be used regardless.

"'In heaven, all the interesting people are missing,'" Rey says with a scoff.

Okay, maybe quoting fucking Nietzsche is a terrible idea, but the idea remains the same. Especially given Rey's own experience with death.

"Still, it's... I've known someone who I hurt, took away someone she loved during wartime. Can't help but wonder if this is what she felt like all those years." Rey falls quiet a moment, thinking. "Don't know why, but... she didn't kill me. She had more than enough chances, but it didn't seem like she ever got better."

So it probably never gets better, does it?

[hasitsthorns]

"Ain't that the truth," she agrees. Bleak though it may be.

It doesn't. They just get better at dealing with it. Grief is an omnipresent thing once it strikes that never truly dies. One just learns to handle it better as they go through life.

"I didn't kill the guy who fucked me over royally and killed Ren. I had the chance and I just... I couldn't. For me, I worried if it made me no better than him. And I couldn't stand that thought. I don't know about this lady. Maybe it was the same, or maybe- Maybe she saw you had no other choice or that you weren't just a senseless killing monster. It's hard to say." And war is different, besides. Or at least in Rose's mind it is. Just like anyone would argue the ring was different, but... It was harder to believe that than she wanted it to be.

[circumitus]

How typical it is for Rey to forget certain details when it's convenient for her wallowing, but what Rose says reminds her of something Faye had told her.

"She... said to me, 'I'm not better than you.'" Rey bites her lower lip, thinking about the words that should have been vindicating at the time, but just served to make her feel even more wretched than ever. "'If anything, I'm worse, because I chose that life.' That's what she believed after all those years. That she carried so much hatred inside of her that she couldn't possibly deserve that woman she loved anymore, no matter who killed who."

That's why she cried. Because Rey was a person, not the remorseless killing machine that Faye wanted her to be. Something that she could keep hating without regret.

Interesting to think how different and yet alike they really are.

[hasitsthorns]

Isn't it? On some level, most people have the same desires and driving forces. To be loved, to have a purpose, to belong somewhere in the frightening reality they're all drifting through. No one wants to truly go it alone, even if people like Rey and Rose might believe they deserve to. Even though they aren't really baseline people in their own respective ways.

"I mean, she has a point. It was her choice. I don't think that makes her less though. Or more. We all have to make decisions sometimes... and even if they aren't what most people might call the right ones, maybe they were the best we could do with what we had."

[circumitus]

"Had the same feeling on the matter. She had no doubts that I would have died if that would make things right with her, but it wouldn't. Can't really bring someone back like that."

Reality just doesn't work that way, unfortunately. Least of all her own reality.

After a thoughtful pause, Rey scoffs despite herself. "It was a fucked up conversation, honestly."

Not like this one is any better. Just familiar.

[hasitsthorns]

"Not usually," Rose says, knowing that Hadriel is a strange exception to the rule of death being permanent. Haven was too but not permanently. Without Hope, this place would go the same way and so even if it had meant Sorrow's life... She's glad that he's still alive.

"But it was probably still an important to have. Usually, the hardest ones are." She still remembers her conversations after heading off to Haven East and being recovered by Wade. All the things she didn't say before coming to light, all the things she didn't say finally spilling past her lips and realizing herself just how deep into depression she'd fallen.

Just like her conversation with Rey on the ledge of a building here.