[That clear sentiment from someone who seems to work only in clipped statements -- ones which often leave something to be desired in terms of explanation -- surprises Carlisle; his eyes end up back on Kate, wide for but a moment with understanding he knows he should have had sooner, but couldn't allow himself for fear of being mistaken, of thinking them something they couldn't be. He would damn her with the misfortune he brings upon everyone in his company -- maybe he already has. She is back in Hadriel again, after all.]
Ah.
[His brow tightens, his look rueful, apologetic.]
You know, after you died, you said nothing to me. I found out secondhand and thought, 'Ah. I suppose I was not worth telling. I was not worth informing that I'd be moving into your house until it was already happening. Why would she tell me of this?' I believed myself to be under your watch out of pity, or for concern of what might happen if left to my own devices. You are one of the few who knows about my curse, and what disgusting abilities it grants me.
[Carlisle's shoulders stiffen, his fingers curling into his palms. He can't recall if he's ever told her how much that hurt; he can't remember himself if he managed to express it properly to anyone, or even to himself.]
When you left, I watched as Glacius lamented in his room, refusing to eat, refusing to leave as he suffered from a wound I could not heal. And yet, I felt so little. Jealousy does not suit me, but I festered with it regardless because I could feel nothing else. I was angry that he was your friend, but I was not. That he trusted you and you trusted him, and I could not be trusted at all.
[He grinds his teeth, trying to shut himself up, but stress pushes more words out of him -- it pushes something more as well, ink welling under his eye.]
And then you returned, and you were so casual about it- as if you'd never been gone! I thought of all that had happened. Shadow lashed out in your absence. He threatened me, demanded I teach him to heal. I was a tool for him, and I thought that, perhaps, that was all I'd ever been for you. S- someone whose gifts could be used for the better of the Clinic, and whose curse should be monitored. I wanted to be angry again, but despite everything, I was- I was relieved. [His arms tense as he brings his eyes back to her, one clouded with ink.] I was inexplicably glad you were back!
[Carlisle paws at the talisman below his layers; his chest hurts, as does his eye. Neither is surprising.]
I might not want to feel it, nor admit to it, but I- I missed your presence. I cannot say I have always understood what we are and where we stand, but... your being here, and your safety, matters to me. I need you to survive this place, Kate. Focus your efforts on those you can help. Glacius will need someone who can bring him comfort when I am gone, and... I know no one he trusts quite like you, nor do I know of anyone here I would trust to take care of him in such a way.
[He paws at the ink trailing from his eye, finally out of words.]
no subject
Ah.
[His brow tightens, his look rueful, apologetic.]
You know, after you died, you said nothing to me. I found out secondhand and thought, 'Ah. I suppose I was not worth telling. I was not worth informing that I'd be moving into your house until it was already happening. Why would she tell me of this?' I believed myself to be under your watch out of pity, or for concern of what might happen if left to my own devices. You are one of the few who knows about my curse, and what disgusting abilities it grants me.
[Carlisle's shoulders stiffen, his fingers curling into his palms. He can't recall if he's ever told her how much that hurt; he can't remember himself if he managed to express it properly to anyone, or even to himself.]
When you left, I watched as Glacius lamented in his room, refusing to eat, refusing to leave as he suffered from a wound I could not heal. And yet, I felt so little. Jealousy does not suit me, but I festered with it regardless because I could feel nothing else. I was angry that he was your friend, but I was not. That he trusted you and you trusted him, and I could not be trusted at all.
[He grinds his teeth, trying to shut himself up, but stress pushes more words out of him -- it pushes something more as well, ink welling under his eye.]
And then you returned, and you were so casual about it- as if you'd never been gone! I thought of all that had happened. Shadow lashed out in your absence. He threatened me, demanded I teach him to heal. I was a tool for him, and I thought that, perhaps, that was all I'd ever been for you. S- someone whose gifts could be used for the better of the Clinic, and whose curse should be monitored. I wanted to be angry again, but despite everything, I was- I was relieved. [His arms tense as he brings his eyes back to her, one clouded with ink.] I was inexplicably glad you were back!
[Carlisle paws at the talisman below his layers; his chest hurts, as does his eye. Neither is surprising.]
I might not want to feel it, nor admit to it, but I- I missed your presence. I cannot say I have always understood what we are and where we stand, but... your being here, and your safety, matters to me. I need you to survive this place, Kate. Focus your efforts on those you can help. Glacius will need someone who can bring him comfort when I am gone, and... I know no one he trusts quite like you, nor do I know of anyone here I would trust to take care of him in such a way.
[He paws at the ink trailing from his eye, finally out of words.]