hadriel_logs | [CLOSED] we're gonna rattle this ghost town

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[CLOSED] we're gonna rattle this ghost town

Who: Barry, Lucretia, Lup, & Taako
What: Lucretia arrives and Lup insists she should be allowed to stay with them. Taako has his own opinion.
Where: Tres Horny House (Sorrow's housing, 5-1)
When: Backdated to Jan 10th
Warnings: Nothing but fighting twins.

[Lup knows she should warn her brother.

It would be as simple as a call to give Taako a head's up that she was on the way back to the house, now with a certain someone in tow. Hell, even a brief text would at least be better than just stepping into the house without warning with the woman who'd taken everything from him. But she can just hear his indignant response playing out in her mind, her twin absolutely refusing to even let Lucretia inside. Honestly, she wouldn't put it past him to lock Lup out too for even suggesting their friend stay with them, temporarily or not.

But Lup's hand is still tightly clasped in Lucretia's when she leads the woman back to the building that's starting to become like a home to them, attempting to fill her in as best as she can on the whole Hadriel situation. Her phone is tucked in her back pocket, woefully untouched, but Lup nudges the front door open with her shoulder and tugs Lucretia inside with her.

There. They've crossed the boundary. There's no going back now.

Now that they're inside, Lup turns to Lucretia, motioning for her to pause.]

--Oh, uh, also, we have a dog. She may lose her shit since you're new, but just keep your hands away from her whole mouth-area and you'll probs be just fine.

[Honestly, Peanut probably isn't the member of this family Lucretia needs to be warned about.]

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Ah,um--ok. Good to know.

[A dog. Lovely. That may take some getting used to, but, well, it's literally at the very bottom of her list of problems right now, so she's prepared to take it in stride. She'd been very focused on taking in what Lup's been telling her about Hadriel, and in keeping mental notes about their surroundings as they headed to the house. But now they're here and there's no level of stalling or avoidance that can get her out of this.

They're house. All of her friends, living under one roof, like old times. They find themselves in a completely new world and, still, they decide to come together. She supposes it shouldn't be surprising. But, as well as she's tried to hide it, Lucretia can see the tension on Lup's face and in her posture as they cross the threshold in to the house. This will not be easy.

Lup seems determined. She wants Lucretia to be here, and perhaps some of the others will feel the same. But not everyone. She knows that full well. Lucretia isn't convinced that she should be here herself. Something she probably should have mentioned, she realizes, as she tries to keep her posture straight and her hands still at her sides, standing in the doorway, afraid to come any further into the house. She speaks quietly, not sure who's around.]

Look, Lup. You know I appreciate your help, but I'm not certain this is a good idea.

Hey, look, someone's back to having good ideas.

[He's halfway down the stairs, at the back of the room, the hall stretching out between him, his sister, the door. Where she is. He makes it to the bottom, the click on the heel of his boots keeping his presence known as he crosses his arms, leans against the stairwell. It's easier to focus his anger, the pain simmering in his chest towards Lucretia in the doorway, but he can't ignore Lup. She's trying. He knows that.

But he won't let this stand.]

She's not staying here. Tons of places she can go. But not here.

[Welcome to Hell. Population: Lup.

The elven woman turns right as her brother approaches, her mouth pressing down into a thin, careful line. His anger is so great it's almost tangible, like Lup can envision just where it's radiating in squiggly waves off him.

She hates this. She absolutely hates all of this. Because of course Lup understands Taako's pain, the deep hurt he hasn't fully recovered from, the betrayal that still feels so fresh in his mind. But Lucretia is still family, still deserves the chance to be forgiven. What she did was unthinkable, yes, but she'd done it out of love for them. How can that simple fact be so effortlessly brushed aside?

Lup slips forward towards Taako, purposely putting herself between him and Lucretia, her hands gesturing vaguely between them as she speaks.]

Babe-- [She's trying to be soft and understanding, while still holding her ground, so the affectionate nickname stays.] C'mon. It's just for a few days. Help Luce get on her feet. You know how fucked this place is at first. I'll help her get grounded, then we'll find a place of her own. No biggie.

[Come to Tres Horny House, Lup said. It'll be fun, she said.

Actually she said nothing of the sort, and Lucretia would have had to be a fool not to think this would go poorly. Still, this already very much feels like something she should not have allowed to happen in the first place.]

Honestly, Lup, again this is very kind of you but I think that Taako might be--[Mmmmm 'right' feels like a strong word.] Well, he has a point.

I don't want to intrude on...anything. I'm sure I can find somewhere else to be.

[Nothing is fun in the Tres Horny House, it took t minus two months for Magnus to punch a hole in the wall and threaten Taako's life, there is only hell here. Sometimes. Candlenights was good.

Taako's eyes look towards Lucretia when she speaks, but he doesn't address her when he responds.]

Last time she was here she got along just fine on her own. Not that you didn't run off to be besties on day one.

[His eyes slide over, to pierce daggers where she stands.]

If she wanted to be alone and scatter us across a planet, she can. She doesn't belong here.

[Who Taako is staring at while he speaks to Lup doesn't escape the woman's notice. It's like he's focusing all of his anger into a single pinpoint, that just so happens to be where Lucretia's standing.

Lucretia attempts to make a plea, to say that she should just leave and find a place of her own, but Lup's already throwing up a hand to silence her, the softness she's been trying to harness for Taako's sake quickly crumbling. That 'she doesn't belong here' just burns straight through the elf.]

Stop being so childish. If you could take your head out of your own ass for two seconds, you'd realize you weren't the only one hurt by what Luce did. But we've forgiven her. All the rest of us have. She's family, Taako. We can't be pissed at her forever.

You think I can't do forever, you're fuckin' mistaken.

[But that's not the real issue here. And if Taako was more eloquent, a little more on top of his mind, he'd get to it. That Lup didn't lose her memories, that Lup wasn't made into a shell of a person by her actions. That Lup never had to live as a person who had never been paid a fucking kindness in his life.

There's a big difference, in the world, between one person loving you and no one ever caring.

And to him, it was his heart.]

So what? She's hurt by her own fuckup and suddenly we're all coddling her? You were lost for ten years, Lup! I could have found you so much fucking sooner if she hadn't literally made me forget you exist! You're not even a little mad about that? Not even a fucking little?

[Come on, Lup, he can't be feeling this alone. He has given up much of his rage and distance for her these last six months, but he won't give this. He fucking won't.]

Taako, [Lup starts with a frown, arms already folding over her chest, looking her twin down. That question feels way too dirty to her, he already knows the answer.]

Of course, I am. I spent a long ass time being furious at her when you finally found me and I realized just what the hell was going on. But I had months to kill fuming in there. And you know that I'll never fuckin' agree with it, but you have to see what she did came out of love. She's family, babe. Sure, she majorly fucked up in the absolute worst way. but we're not just gonna hold it against her for the rest of our lives. That's bullshit.

[Lup allows herself a quick glance to Lucretia, just to catch her eye, before she's looking back at Taako, expression at least slightly softened. She knows Taako's hurt goes deep, that he still has night terrors more often than she'd like to admit, but letting go of that anger is the best thing he can do.]

[Letting go of it probably is. But that's not what's happening- and Taako has never been good at letting go. Why isn't she backing him up on this? He's always been behind her, even when it hurt. When she became a lich, when she had her plans for the relics, staring down Lucretia hand in hand and saying I wish I could. And now she's there with her, across from him. In opposition. In defiance.

How dare she.]

What the fuck, Lup. Ten years-- it was ten fucking years! You're just okay with that? That she just changes everything about us in seconds and it's back now so it's okay?

[His throat feels tight, voice raising as he continues. As much as he tries to hold himself together, the stress is written over his entire body; his hands are tight, clenching into fists. He's not standing as tall as he wants to, crouched just a bit like he's preparing to take a blow. This is a stance for a fight, and he might not be armed, but he won't go down.]

She has to pay for this! She can't just-- just do that! She can't just turn us loose and then call us when it's fucking convenient, when her plan crashes and burns and she needs us to come pick it up for her! She fucked up. She has to answer for that.

[He doesn't yet know the extent of it; Lucretia's plan, the careful configuration of placement and knowledge and where everyone would end up. But what he does know is that Merle came back with a family. He had kids, a home-- that he left, sure, but it was there. Magnus had a fucking wife. These were the places they were from, the lives they once had.

And why was it, when it was all said and done, that they got homes and families and love, and Taako ended up back out on the road?

It's hard, somewhere in his subconscious, not to take it personally.]

[Lucretia is right there, forced to listen to this back and forth on the mistakes she'd made, but all Lup sees right now is her brother and the incredible pain he's in beneath that snarling anger. It isn't uncommon for the two of them to fight, but bickering over a blouse or who has to take the dog out never brings anything like this out of her twin. He's hunched, shaking and poised to fight.

It rips Lup's heart in two.]

You don't think she already has?

[Twenty years off of Lucretia's life, robbed off her youth in the blink of an eye. Ten years of loneliness without the people she loved most, forced to hold the knowledge of a hundred year long journey all on her own shoulders with no one to share it with.

Even if Lucretia made those decisions on her own, how was that not payment and then some for what she'd done?

Taako's stance screams 'don't touch me', but Lup steps forward anyway, trying to take her twin's hand. She knows so much about him, can plainly read how upset he is, but Lup doesn't know the full extent of his thoughts, how he was gifted the freedom of the road instead of a family to fall into. Hadn't Lucretia known they'd spent more than enough time traveling with no home to come back to?]

Taako, c'mon. I'm not saying you have to forgive her, but we can't just pretend she doesn't exist. We lost ten years together, all of us did. We're not gonna add onto that by pushing Luce away.

[It's worse that Lucretia is there, to be honest. If it was just him and Lup, in the quiet of their room, Taako might have it in him to admit the conflict kicking through his heart, the complexities of the emotions that would take more words than he has to explain. But Lucretia's right there. If he relents, if he lets this go in front of her, he can't-- do this ever again. They'll think he gave it up because he said so, and he'll have to sit quietly for the rest of his life. The thought burns him worse than anything here, and his head is too full of that anger to react in any way that lets him consider it. They're against him. His sister, the one person he loves most in the world, doesn't get this.

And for once, she reaches for him, and he pulls himself away, a step back, hands clutched together to his chest. He looks small, but his voice is so, so big.]

All of us? There wasn't a together, Lup! It's not like we just forgot her and everyone went off! She fucking went into my head and took you out of it!

[It's been a long time since he lost his composure like this, voice wet with emotion and the tears pricking at his eyes. Everything feels hot, and angry, and all he wants right now is to win, is to be right, is to be left alone.

He'll regret it later, like he regrets so many things. But for now, he just screams, hands balled into fists at his side and everything about him cornered, pushing back against any imposed barrier. He's been beaten down too long. Someone's going to listen this time. Someone's going to get there's no reaching him here.]

You don't know what happened! You don't know what I felt! You don't know what I did! You weren't fucking there!

[And if he's going to be alone, then fine. He's alone. So be it.]

[It's the first time that Lup can ever remember Taako pulling away from her like this. Even in their worst fights, even at the very height of emotions, when they both had turned their natural talent for slicing others open with their sharp words on each other, they never pulled away from each other if approached. There may be some huffing and muttered complaints and continued bitching through the night, but touch between them had always been sacred. They'd never had loving family members to sweep them into their arms, never had a mother or father to kiss their foreheads before bed, never had friends to hold hands and play games with. For so much of their life, all physical touch had been shared between the two of them.

It was something special. They may fight, they might shove each other or throw ridiculous fits and cry, but at the end of the day, when the night fell and they were both shivering out under the stars, they always found their way into each other's arms, staying warm and keeping the other safe.

So Taako backing away from her, pulling himself out of reach, away from her touch? That stings something awful, Lup's expression shifting to immediate worry, brows knitting together at the scene her twin was making.

That should be enough. That should be more than enough hurt exchanged between them. But he isn't over yet. Taako keeps speaking, emotional and out of control, wild and fierce like she's cornered him in his own home, made him feel unsafe just by the mere suggestion of Lucretia staying under the same roof as him for a few days.

And then keeps going and there's just no hiding the sharp twist of pain against Lup's face, the way her lips part in shock at her twin's words. The hurt flashing in her eyes.

The awful thing is how true it all is. Lup may have been trapped, stuck in a maddening isolation that no one else could ever truly understand, but she'd at least had her memories. She'd at least had the freedom to make that choice to be trapped in the first place. She'd selfishly gone off searching alone, after a lifetime of promising they'd be together through everything, she'd left her brother behind. Was he ever going to forgive her for it?

Lup says nothing. She shoots Taako a long, pained look, then spins to grab Lucretia's arm, tugging the human woman with her out the front door, which is purposely slammed behind them.

It doesn't need to be said that Lup won't be answering her phone for the rest of the day.]

[The issue as it stands is he's acting like he did without her. If this wasn't an argument with her, about her loss, he'd think maybe he'd forgotten somehow; like his brain had slipped back to a place where he didn't know her kindness, her love. Because this was always his reaction when something hurt in those years apart- he'd take his own hand, seeking something he couldn't place. And here he is now rejecting it anyway having to be right at some expense. At what? At what fucking expense?

He doesn't move. He can't. He's shaking and messy and the only motion he has is to revert to that broken comfort, drawing his other arm up to his chest, clasping them together over his heart. You did this, part of him reminds himself. You did this.

Except, another ugly twisting thing responds, no you didn't. She did. Lucretia did. This problem wouldn't exist without her. There would be no apart, no alone, if she had not forced it. Is he so fucking wrong for not wanting to deal with that? Is he really this fucking wrong for being hurt? Betrayed? She doesn't know. She doesn't get it, nobody fucking gets it, nobody's even taking the time to do a god damn fucking thing.

So he stands. Lets the sound of the door slamming hit his ears as it happens, and doesn't move a muscle other than to let his nails dig into the back of his hand, into his chest, into his heart.

It's better this way, when he can only hurt himself.]

[Barry only really caught the latter half of the argument. He'd heard the door opening, and he was on his way down the stairs to see who arrived when Taako started shouting. He'd stopped halfway down the stairs then, frowning, clenching the railing, listening as his stomach sank.

He'd caught enough to realize what was happening, what has gotten Taako so upset. He'd caught enough to know who just came through the front door.

And who just left through it.

It takes a while for Barry to decide whether or not he should go downstairs and confront Taako. Whether it's his place at all to say something, to insert himself in a conversation he was never a part of. Isn't it unfair? Ganging up on his brother-in-law like this when he's already feeling cornered, already clearly defensive? It is unfair. What's also unfair is how Taako just spoke to his sister. How he spoke about Lucretia. They're supposed to be family. They're supposed to have each other's back.

Yes, Lucretia screwed up. Barry knows all too well how Taako must feel right now. Of course he sympathizes. What he can't accept is Taako still holding on to this grudge as hard as he is. Still clinging to the fury eating him up inside, making him push his family away, push Lup away. Taako has never done that.

Barry finishes his descent, watching the elf standing there, clutching his hands to his chest, looking tense and scared and alone. His heart aches at the sight.]

Taako...

Edited (two words too many haha u didn't see that) 2018-03-13 15:05 (UTC)

[He's not expecting anyone else to be here. Hell, he didn't even think anyone else was in the house. It's a dumb assumption, but Taako's used to not thinking about other people. All of him tightens at Barry's voice, and he takes a breath, too shaky for him to have liked it as he forces his hands apart. There's marks where his nails dug into the back of one, but it didn't quite bleed. Just angry, red curves.

He turns, moving that hand up to run through his hair, forehead to back, with a little bit of a laugh. At least it's Barry. Angus, he'd have to explain, but Barry. Barry is safer.]

Man, can you believe that? What was she even thinkin', am I right? Bet she didn't talk to you about that, either.

[He doesn't know why he didn't try this sooner. Barry-- he's going to get it. Barry spent ten years in hell because of her, winging between life and death and loneliness. He broke into her office with him and he took what was theirs and Taako remembers the last moments he saw him there, seriousness and pain etched into his face. He'll understand.

After all, Lucretia took Lup from him, too.]

Just bringing her in here like we want her anywhere near us right now, I mean, honestly.

[It feels like Barry has an impossible choice on his hands.

On one hand, he could play along. Spare Taako the pain by pretending like his reasoning is sound, like he's in the right to do what he just did. Barry understands, after all. He's intimately familiar with the kind of pain Taako has gone through. Twelve years on the road, all by himself, actively isolated from his family. Made an enemy. Robbed of his partner, the love of his life, even of her memory except in the moment of death. Lup is everything to him. And Lucretia took her from all of them. That, he's not sure he'll ever forgive.

But on the other hand... Taako was being completely unreasonable. Being angry at Lucretia, he can sort of understand. Barry has had the advantage of memory during his time on the road, little pockets of clarity, where Taako has had none. He's only had months to come to terms with Lucretia's betrayal, where Barry has had years. But blowing up at his sister like that? Blaming her? It's completely inappropriate.

Taako has always had a hard time being emotionally transparent. Even to his family, the one he spent a century with. But this? It's inexcusable. It's unfair to himself, unfair to Lup. Unfair to Lucretia.

Barry can't support that kind of self-destruction.]

Taako... she's family. [It sucks having to say it, knowing how Taako feels about Lucretia, but he just can't let it go.] We don't turn family away like that. You were way outta line.

[Barry can see the change immediately when he speaks. He gets the first three words out, and he can see the way his face drops, the facade of humor and happiness shoved out. That spark of hope, gone.

For a few moments, he’s silent. Outwardly, he looks blank, entirely gone from this conversation, from this world, somewhere off into the next. Maybe it’s familiar for Barry, having seen the same thing happen as Taako forgot Lup, the way his eyes lost thought and color as his heart was removed. Inside, he feels like the last pillar of something he had, of something that was his, fallen. It takes the next few seconds for his hand to fall, for his eyes to drop from Barry’s gaze. Taako feels entirely outside from himself, like he’s looking through his own existence over ten years, over a hundred years before, over a hundred years before that, back before Barry and Lucretia and planes to two kids, barely able to speak, hands clasped against the darkness.

Fuck. Fuck.

And just as quickly as it comes, it passes. His hands ball into fists. He can feel the way his throat feels tight, eyes wet, everything too raw as he keeps going, as if he had anything left to give.]

What the fuck, Barry?

[He’s addressing him directly now, eyes back up and shoulders pressed as he pieces the shattered parts of himself back together and into another wall. How dare he. How dare he.]

What the fuck is wrong with you? She took Lup! She hid her from us for ten fucking years! You begged me to fucking die rather than not remember her and you’re not the one who had to live with it! I did!

[He feels like he’s shrieking, his throat already ruined from the screams that tore out of it earlier, the way he had nothing left to give 20 minutes ago but now he digs out more, into blood and viscera and his own pain because he will not stop, he will not fucking give up, even as all he has left to fling are pieces of himself.]

Why the fuck do I have to forgive her? All of you just decide it’s over with because we’re all here— it’s not over!

[His hands return to his head again, balling into his hair, like he can feel a headache resurging. It’s not over, it’s not over when he still dreams without her, it’s not over when he wakes up in a panic and sees someone else in his room and thinks they’re back at the Moonbase but Magnus’ bed is in the wrong place, but it’s not, and all he can do is quietly mourn himself.

It’s not over. He won’t let it be over.

It’s not over for him.]

Edited (oopsie) 2018-03-20 03:46 (UTC)

[Even though it hurts, Barry lets Taako yell at him. The elf shouts in his face, and he just takes it, all that inward pain and fury directed outward, at someone other than himself, the way it so often is with Taako. It kills Barry to see him like this. Shaking and tightly wound, lashing out like a cornered animal, wounded but furious, determined to take the predator down with it.

There's probably nothing he can do to fix this. To help Taako manage his pain in ways that won't push his loved ones away. But he can't just stand by and watch it happen.]

Taako, nobody said anything about forgivin' her.

[He's got his hands up, palms out, trying to make himself less of an obvious threat. Emotions are running high right now. All Barry wants to do is help - but the nature of his help is going to bring hurt. He knows that.] I know damn well what she did. Okay? I didn't forget. All that time I spent alone, that you spent alone, without Lup? That's because of Lucretia. That's not goin' away. I know that.

But no one decided anything without you, Taako. We're not over here gangin' up on you. [It might not feel like the truth, but it is.] What's yellin' at Lup gonna accomplish? Is that gonna make anything better? She's your sister, she's family. And so is Lucretia.

[Maybe appealing to reason is the wrong strategy. But what else does he have?] She never wanted t'hurt anybody. You know that.

Edited 2018-03-25 14:29 (UTC)

[Barry knows what he’s dealing with. Where Lup was confident enough to assume she could push a certain amount with the man she knows best, Barry doesn’t take a moment to assume he can control the situation. Good. Trying to hold him down with any force would only be met with him destroying himself for the chance of a push back. He doesn’t look like he’s going to attack, or really hurt the other man. Emotionally, though, well. He’s always been good at that.

The beginning part, he really has no footing on. Yelling at Lup wasn’t something he really wanted, the regret already creeping in behind his thoughts, but he latches on to the part he can refute.]

I don’t give a shit what she wanted! She did! Why does no one fucking get that?

[Part of him wants to get soft here, Lucretia having left making a hole in his vulnerability and the exhaustion of the emotional display creeping in, but he still pushes. There’s defenses he can’t drop, would rather crash and burn than let himself go gently. Even now, his hands are moving upward, currently gripping at his braid but moving as if they're going to his hair, to his head, to the headache he's imagining is coming. To the place where he keeps these thoughts and where he feels the pain.]

All of you come back like it’s okay she ruined ten years of your life, that you spent ten years without being able to be fuckin’, happy or secure or alone, and you’re just— fine with it! You’re just here willing to let her step all over you because you’re too desperate not to go back!

I’m not fucking doing it, Barry. She isn’t coming back here.

[There’s a part of him that doesn’t even want to say the next bit, but it tumbles out of his mouth without thinking. Some vestiges of the violent, uncaring person he was in Lup’s absence.

Or, well. More like the person he was all along if he’s still doing it, right?]

Could’ve killed her when I had the chance.

Taako!

[Barry had been prepared to remain level-headed for once. Where Taako is all caught up in emotions he's buried deep down for months, simmering for so long only to erupt into a violent boil, Barry is supposed to be the voice of reason. The calm, rational voice appealing to logic, penetrating the veil of grief and rage with words of understanding, with examples of flaws in Taako's thinking, with reminders of who they used to be. Who they were for so long. A family.

And they really were a family. Lucretia loves them. She loves them so much, she made the impossible choice to become the villain of their story for a chance to make right what they did wrong. She loves them so much, she wiped away the painful memory of the thousands of lives lost because of them, because she couldn't bear to see them in pain.

Was it the right choice? No. Was it the only choice? No. But it wasn't malicious. It wasn't made easily, flippantly. She'd felt cornered. Desperate. Taako should know all about that.

But this? He can't listen to this with a straight face. He can't listen to Taako, a man he's considered his brother for decades, saying he could've killed the woman they've all considered a sister. Like that's what he wants. Like that's what he thinks is right and just, a fitting punishment for his pain.]

Listen to yourself! Do you hear what you're sayin'?! [Any pretense of calm is gone as Barry strides forward, shouting, grabbing Taako by the shoulders. A desperate part of him wants to shake some sense into him, but he refrains. He just grips him, forcing the elf to look him in the eyes, to see the horror and hurt his words have caused.] You don't say somethin' like that! This isn't you!

[His hands tighten around Taako's arms, shaking with effort, with the overwhelming emotion and awful, shameful memories of his lonely years hiding away flooding back to him. He has to fight to lower his voice.] Do not put words in my mouth, Taako. Don't you think I get it? Don't you think I thought the exact same thing?

[Many times. For years. The memory is sour on his tongue.] Think real hard about what y'just said, Taako.

[He barely gets the words out before Barry yells, strides forward and grabs him, and Taako’s heart leaps into his throat in panic. It’s another impossible choice, like Magnus storming in drunk, yelling about his wife, pulling him from the couch by the front of his shirt and his neck before dropping him on the floor in a heap. It’s the moment he has to consider, could he hurt me?, and then realize he’s given too much trust. Too much assumption. Of course he could, of course. He’s a person, isn’t he? He means something. So of fucking course he could.

Taako watches Barry for the first few seconds before dropping his head off to one side, letting his hair fall slightly over his eyes. Barry can still clearly see the frown on his face, though it’s wibbling somewhere between downgrading to a tight line and upgrading to a scream.

But when we’re in the realm of brutal honesty, of those little, flat admissions of truth, he speaks again.]

How does anyone expect me to trust her again?

[Because that’s what it comes down to.It isn’t her choice so much as that cardinal violation. She went into his head. He let her in, past his walls and hesitations, and that’s what she did once inside. He doesn’t care about motivations. Doesn’t care about intentions. She put herself between him and Lup and how does he ever know she won’t do it again?]

She fuckin’… rewrote me, alright. Just like that.And all of you think it should just be okay.

[There’s a big difference in a world between one person loving you and no one ever doing so. And as far as Taako’s concerned, it’s a pile of corpses in the wake of the person she made him to be.]

She rewrote all of us.

[Even herself. From what little he saw and heard when he was in Pringles' head, from what he picked up eavesdropping on various seekers and regulators out in the field, Lucretia was a completely different person as Madam Director. She would have to be. The woman he knew for a century could be so sensitive, so insecure. She'd have to harden herself, wall off her emotions in order to stay strong and persevere.

But he's not going to say that out loud. Taako might already know, somewhere deep down, might already realize that this must have been hard on Lucretia too. But trying to convince him of anything is clearly a lost cause.]

I don't care if y'trust her or not. That's obviously not gonna happen, huh. And Taako? I get it. You know I do. Y'think it's easy for me to trust her? To stand here and defend her? After what she did t'me? Know how many times one of her regulators shot me down? Guess.

[His hands tighten their grip on his shoulders. Barry is shaking.] But like it or not, she's family. That's why what she did hurt us so bad. And even when they hurt us, y'don't fuckin' talk about family like that.

[The burst of rage ebbs away, and all he's left with is the frustration, the hurt. He loves Taako. Seeing him put up walls like this is so hurtful, but he doesn't know if he has the strength to help tear them down. So his hands drop from Taako's shoulders, his whole body deflating with exhaustion, face sinking. Yelling at him isn't going to fix anything. Barry isn't sure Taako is even listening.]

Y'should apologize to Lup. Y'really hurt her feelings.

[Barry’s hands grip harder, his words hitting like weapons against a stalwart wall. He’s ready to just let it happen to him, but like he knew would happen (or maybe just what he was hoping), he lets him go. But the depression is worse; he hates the way he tilts his eyes towards him again and sees all that pain. It’s easier when it’s anger. When they can scream and fight. Not this. Not heartbreak, not the knowledge that nothing’s going to be the same again, the issues he’s creating in the wake of it all.

Part of him does want to stop. Part of him doesn’t like the change.But that part of him is wishing less to forgive her and more for all of it never to have happened. He wants to go back, to before Lup disappeared, and run off with her together. Or just keep her with him. It doesn’t matter.

It’s the flash of a moment where he understands why people used the Relics. Why Lucas spent so much time in bringing back his mother, why June held onto the cup for what was probably years, why even Lydia and Edward used the Bell for so long to keep themselves going. No one wants to be alone, huh? No one.

What does that make him? The villain?

Maybe.]

You know what I know about family, Barry?

[His voice is more level than it has been the rest of this conversation, but Barry should know Taako’s flat, even tone just means he’s given up on caring.]

I know that aside from Lup, in the end, they give you up. They use you for what they want and they fuckin’ toss you to someone else who can do the same. And she did. She wiped us, used me to enact her plan, and now it’s just over.

[He levels directly at Barry, face expressionless.]

I don’t call people my family I can’t fucking trust. So no. She’s not.

[Not anymore.]

[Barry knows the twins' complicated history with family. How insular they were for years and years both prior to and during the Starblaster mission. How long it took for either of them to let anyone in. How long it took before they were even comfortable apart from each other.

He doesn't know this for sure, but... he's always suspected it was harder on Taako than on Lup. Lup found someone on the ship. Taako never did. Though he still had Lup, always had Lup, of course, she also had Barry. For decades. It took so long for either of them to make room for more than one person in their heart, to call anyone a friend, let alone family. It was a struggle for both of them. Honestly probably more for Taako. He can understand how fragile that term must be to the elf. How deeply wounded Lucretia's betrayal left him.

But this? No. He can't understand this. Hearing this just makes his heart ache.]

... Is that what y'think of me, then?

[He's barely able to meet Taako's eyes, devoid of expression, emotion. Barry's eyes are getting glassy.]

Magnus, Merle, we're all just gonna... use ya and toss ya out someday? 'Cause that's what family means to ya? Or-- O-Or are we also not family, then? Why are we even here, Taako, i-if that's what you're walkin' around waiting t'have happen?

[A lot of hurtful things have been said today. Barry's not really sure how to deal with this one.]

That's not what I know about family. Same goes for Lup. Does she know y'feel this way?

Edited (a sentence for flow!) 2018-04-20 19:39 (UTC)

[And that, finally, that hurts.

The problem with Barry, as Taako's always thought, is that he makes you feel sorry for him. Taako considers himself good at not taking pity on people, a skill beaten out of him after years of not being able to concentrate on anyone that wasn't him and Lup. But Barry makes it so fucking easy. He's had a hard life, no doubt. Taako knows the kind of horrors of the multiverse he's seen, because he was right there with him. But where the twins have a kind of shield they can never drop, Barry has always been soft. He still has rounded edges, a kindness to his smile, and pain that shows in his eyes. And it's something Taako can't break. It's something he can't bring himself to.

So that, finally that, he doesn't have a retort to.

Taako looks away, bringing his arms up to cross them, but it looks more like he's hugging himself as he tries not to shake.]

... You could, couldn't you?

[Fuck, why is he doing this, fuck, why is this what breaks him. He digs his nails into both arms, and can't look at him, can barely look at the floor.]

She did. How can I... know, really?

[How does he convince himself to hold onto that trust? How does not even a year with his memories engulf the ten he spent so hopelessly alone? His throat is tight, words heavy and for once, quiet.]

'Ss easy to forget. That everyone's here at all.

[The problem with Barry, apparently, is that he trusts too easily. He trusts Taako, he trusts everyone on the ship, in this house, he trusts and loves them all so much. He would fight to his dying breath to protect them, he would kill to keep them safe, he would do anything to make sure all of them have everything they need and more. He doesn't want the people he love to want for anything.

The problem with Barry is that his heart is just too big. That's why this hurts so bad. Loving so many people leaves so many able to hurt him where it counts.]

Taako...

[The elf, on the other hand, doesn't trust at all. Not according to what Barry is hearing right now. That's Taako, always looking over his shoulder, ever vigilant. Even against his own family. To some degree, objectively, it's understandable. That doesn't mean Barry is able or even willing to understand. He couldn't imagine ever suspecting his family like that.

Barry doesn't know what to say to this. Taako won't even look at him. His stomach hurts. He wants to throw up.]

... 'm gonna go find Lup. Sounds like y'wanna be alone right now.

[It hurts to say it. Barry doesn't even know if it hurts Taako's feelings or not - and honestly? Not knowing is the worst part.

He moves past his near-cowering brother-in-law, headed for the door. Unless stopped, he's done here.]

[It would be easy to let this go. It would be easy to think they hate him, that he drove them all away, that he was terrible and poisonous and breaking this apart. It would be easy to turn all of that internally, to stew here until he can find somewhere to crawl and try and recover and regain something of himself from the heart he's ripped out of his chest, from the pieces of him he's shredded and torn for weapons and one last word.

He feels small. He feels weak.

He feels like he made a mistake.

Barry moves past him and Taako reaches out and takes his wrist. It's not threatening. It's not harsh. But he's grasping, more desperate than he could put into words.]

Don't leave. Please.

[He can't be responsible for this, anymore. Lucretia's gone. Lup has gone too. Barry's shouted at him and he's retreated into himself and he can't stay here anymore.

Isn't that what family is supposed to do? Make you do better? Push you to be something more?

His throat feels tight, but he chokes out a bit more.]

I don't want to be alone again.

[He hadn't expected him to hold him back.

Honestly, Barry wasn't sure what he was expecting. If he was even expecting anything. He'd been prepared to walk out the door and break down sobbing, crying the whole way to wherever Lup took Lucretia. He'd been prepared to avoid going home for the rest of the day, knowing Taako would stew in his own fury and hurt for long enough to have some choice words for all of them as soon as they came home.

Would Lup even want to come home tonight? Would she stay wherever Lucretia ends up? Would Barry stay with them?

He doesn't know. It doesn't matter. Because Taako is holding on to him and asking him to stay. Saying please in the smallest voice he's ever heard him use. There's no way Barry's leaving now.]

Okay. Okay, I... I won't leave.

[Barry might be making a mistake here - he feels like he's already made a few - but he can't stop himself from moving closer. He can't stop himself from turning to face Taako and pulling him closer, wrapping his arms around him, and hugging him tight. Even if Taako doesn't want a hug right now, Barry really does. His stomach still hurts from the elf's distrusting words, from his stubborn refusal to consider past events outside his own perspective, but it doesn't change how much he loves him. It doesn't change that Taako is his brother. That he would kill and die for him in a heartbeat, like he's done so many times in their century together.]

I'm not leavin'. [Barry shudders softly, feeling the tears coming. He squeezes the elf close, runs a hand through his hair.] Not goin' anywhere.

[For once, Taako feels like he breaks first.

As soon as he hits Barry's chest, his hands fist into his shirt and he tucks his face down, the tears feeling hot in his eyes as his shoulders shake. He's selfish. He's fucking selfish, for screaming at all of them, for shoving them away and then expecting them to comfort him when he's down. When has he ever done anything for them? When has he ever given anything back? He's allowed to be hurt, but--

Well, it's the paradox. He deserves to be who he is, to act as he does, because he's struggled so hard to live and survive. The world owes him. The universe owes him everything. But he doesn't want to give that back. To become that ugliness, to break someone over his knee-- that's not Taako. If they remember it, if something he does crystallizes into horror and trauma and vengeance, he's gone too far.

That look in Barry's eyes, pushing him to walk out, to leave him? He knows where Barry's limits are. And he knows he crossed them.

His voice feels rough and wet, throat scratchy and pained, but he's still talking as he gulps for air.]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I don't know what to fucking do, I don't want to forget, I don't want to be alone again.

[Ironically, he doesn't remember if he's ever broken down like this on Barry. Everything feels like a blur, from having a family to nothing to everything all at once. There's still that well of shame, the anxiety of vulnerability, but he can't bring himself to let go.

He really is sorry. For what it's worth.]

It's okay. It's okay, Taako, it's okay...

[Barry might be bad at a lot of things. Confrontation, conflict mediation, remaining impartial in a fight. Usually when the people he love are fighting, Barry keeps his opinions to himself, retreating to a dark, quiet place to brood and nurse his feelings until the yelling is over. The fiery, passionate spirits of some of his family members can sometimes be a little too much, something Barry isn't necessarily equipped to handle. The most he can do is help pick up the pieces in the aftermath. Comfort and soothe when the people he care about are hurting.

At least he's good at that. This. Hugging, soothing, picking up the pieces. This is the only thing he knows he can do for Taako right now.]

I know, Taako, I know... Nobody's gonna make ya forget. Nobody's gonna leave ya. I promise y'that, Taako. You're not gonna be alone again.

[He holds Taako close, feeling him trembling against him, clinging, weeping. This is so hard for him. Barry knows exactly how averse Taako is to this sort of thing, being this vulnerable, this small, even with someone he's known for a century. He's going to be here for him as best he can. Hold him close, gently stroking a big, warm hand over his back, his hair, letting him cry without letting anyone else see.

Taako should know Barry well enough to know he'll take this with him to the grave. No one will know except the two of them.]

D'ya think y'wanna talk t'Lup for a bit? Or wait 'til mornin', when things have simmered down? [He squeezes the elf closer.] Y'gotta talk to her, Taako... I know it's hard, but y'gotta.

[He fists his fingers into Barry's shirt, standing but still curling himself as tight as he can into Barry's chest. It's a long time coming for the burst of this tension, six months since he got back after knowing what Lucretia did and simply pushing it off because Lup was right by his side. He should've confronted this. He should have done so many things. But now all he wants to think about is someone holding him, the gasped breaths where he can get gulps of air between the tight way he's pressing himself inward. Everything's too much. All of it's always been too much. Why should he even have to deal with this.

Taako registers that Barry's talking, eventually, but it takes him a minute to have the combination of air and words to actually respond.]

Yeah, I... yeah. I know.

[He doesn't want to have hurt her. But he did. And while he knows showing up like this would probably be enough for her to forgive him in an instant, he doesn't really want it to be that way anyway. He wants to... be better. She deserves him better.

Taako pulls himself back enough to breathe, making a wet sniffing noise and reaching up to shove a hand between Barry's body and his face to wipe some of that away.]

Can you, just... can you call her in like an hour? When I have time to, I dunno, stop all... all this. Actually talk.

[At least he doesn't fight him on this. At least Taako knows what he has to do, and is prepared to do it.

In time. The least Barry can do is give him a little more time.]

Of course. Yeah, I'll call her later. No problem.

[Giving both of them time to simmer down is probably for the best. They might not have fought like this much in the century on the ship, but Barry knows first hand just how volatile the two of them can get when they're both fired up, egging each other on, pushing each other's buttons.

There's a hope, a small careful hope, that Taako will be able to talk to Lucretia too once he's calmed down. Maybe not right away, but... somewhere down the line. Baby steps. Not inviting her to stay with them in the house, but maybe letting her come over for dinner once in a while. His trust in her might be irreparably damaged, but you don't need too much trust in a dinner guest, right?

That's for another time. For now, Barry just keeps his hands on Taako, giving him as much space and as much touch as he feels he can handle.]

Wanna join me in th'kitchen? I'll put on some tea, get us some blankets. Whatever y'need.

[Trust in Barry to offer tea to someone who just verbally tore his ass to shreds.]

[He's just trying to find it in him to breathe, right now. His throat hurts, his eyes sting, he hates these feelings and can do absolutely nothing about them except give it time and try not to mourn himself. He's not even thinking about Lucretia right now- or at least, he's trying not to. Barry's right here. Lup was right there. And they didn't leave him, they're-- they're at least trying.

He huffs, but even Taako finds a chuckle in that statement.]

Jeez, Bar, you really like getting whipped around, huh? We yell at each other and then you wanna take care of me or something.

[He's still grateful, even though he knows he doesn't deserve it. The least he can do is make the tea. He probably won't.

Barry will get some cookies later. Just for him, in a little wrapped tin, left on his bed. Don't @ him. It's the only way he knows to say i'm sorry and thank you.]

Let's just. Get outta here, okay?

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[CLOSED] we're gonna rattle this ghost town

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