hadriel_logs | Just a Young Gun With a Quick Fuse

Seel was smiling by the time he walked down the stairs to their apartment. Law had been off by a tiny bit but as long as Seel hadn't ended up outside, he was pretty darn happy. Actually, he was freaking giddy considering the man had stuck his fingers in his brain and played around with it. This happy, excited feeling was really only getting worse, so by the time he made it inside their apartment Swift probably thought Seel had been taken over by pod people. A very un-Seel like Seel was in the apartment now, and he moved over to where Swift was sitting and smiled, giving him a kiss.

"What are you doing?" He honestly couldn't figure it out. Staring at walls didn't seem like fun but maybe Swift had developed a new hobby? Whatever, don't ruin his buzz, Swift. This was totally better than cigarettes.

He knew Swift was worried. Law had told him some of their conversation, but not how concerned Swift was. So, at the moment, Seel didn't think anything was wrong, and he was too pumped up full of feel-good hormones to worry about it.

That was not at all what Swift had been expecting after all that shouting and it showed as he just stared at Seel while he entered the apartment with a grin and sat down. Swift was too shocked to stop him and he didn't even try to move away when Seel leaned in to kiss him. He continued just staring for a moment, not sure what he'd missed or what his reaction was even supposed to be.

It took him a couple of tries before he could say anything, either. He'd started this whole thing with the intent of being angry and now he was just confused. Then, since he was so thrown off, he just asked all of his questions at once

"What...what happened? Where were you? Who was that and why wouldn't he tell me anything? Why didn't you tell me anything? Are you alright?"

Seel didn't see any problem with answering those questions. Okay, he saw a tiny problem with one of the answers, but he was in such a good mood he didn't want to let it bug him. It wasn't his fault if Swift blew it completely out of proportion, right? Besides, this feeling was great. Law should totally do this for the Hadriel residents. He could start up shop.

The consort sat down next to him, relaxing. Well, he was already pretty damn relaxed, the cigarette craving was gone for now and he had the best almost post-roon buzz.

"Law, he's my doctor. I found one I liked." Okay sure, Law was the the first and only one he'd bothered to meet, but he liked him. He was a jerk. It was great. "He's got some kind of belief that he only talks about things with the patient, or if I give permission." He paused. "Which I did." Probably good to add that.

"He had a hole in his apartment from the last attack. Dust was getting in everywhere. He teleported me over and I fixed it. Then he treated me for withdrawal. The cigarettes." Seel clarified, doing his best to dance around the 'Law just stuck his fingers in my brain' part of it.

Swift still wasn't certain what to make of all this--Seel's mood, anything he said, it all seemed disconnected, but apparently it all had something to do with everything else. He listened, at least, to everything Seel said and tried to make some kind of sense out of it. He sat a little away from him, though, so he could look at him.

"Your doctor." Seel would have liked any doctor so long as it wasn't Phlaar, Swift thought, but he could at least be grateful Seel had given his permission, such as it was, for Swift to know what was going on. That shouldn't have been necessary at all and it was only going to go to his head. "Thank you for that, at least. I appreciate it."

It was the rest that was the most concerning. He did what to Seel? Clearly it had some side effects, could they really be sure there wasn't something else going on?

"How, Seel? How did he treat you?"

Edited 2018-01-18 03:51 (UTC)

He knew Swift didn't like Law. That much had been obvious from the way Law spoke about him, or it could have easily been Law didn't like Swift. Or both. It didn't matter, Law was his doctor and not a bad roon, if you could even call it that. Seel had fun, it was just too bad he didn't have the right bits to make it really fun.

"Your welcome, Swift." Seel did quite like the idea of controlling what Swift knew, he was right, it would totally go to his head. So many things went right too his head, Seel's sin of pride was vast.

"I don't know exactly what he does exactly. He sticks his fingers in my brain and manipulates something. It's supposed to take the edge off the cravings. But a good roon works too." Shouldn't you just be happy Seel was in a good mood right now Swift? Sure, Law stuck his fingers in his brain, but for a little while he's at least a better, nicer har. Until it wears off.

That stopped Swift in his tracks and he stared again. For a long time. Maybe one day when he was here he wouldn't be shocked anymore, but for right now everything was surprising. Never mind that Seel had just told him he'd had someone else in his head doing who even knew what.

"I'm sorry, he did what? And you didn't tell me why? And don't say you're telling me now. That's not how this is supposed to work." He wasn't sure what he even meant by "this." Their relationship? A normal relationship? Swift being in charge? Maybe it didn't really matter. It all ended the same way.

"You should have told me. Or at least warned me."

Seel was in a good mood, and there Swift was ruining it. He'd been away for eight months, and in that time, he'd slipped back into old behaviors. He'd gotten used to not having to report to anyone, and having Cal only tighten the leash on occasion. But that wasn't how life worked anymore, here or back home. Swift was in charge, and even if he wasn't it was common courtesy to tell someone you were leaving before you left. At the very least.

He just didn't want too. And he was hating that Swift was right.

"Because I didn't think I had to Swift. Because I'm enjoying being in charge of me." But that was not how this worked, and a quick glance at the network would cement any possibility that Seel knew how to behave himself and make his own decisions.

Seel paused, enjoying the relaxed, happy feeling he was still having, despite Swift's mood killing buzz. "Can we talk about this in like an hour?" When he was more himself.

"You didn't think you had to? You didn't think that was something I might like to know?" Swift was trying not to be angry about it--Seel had been here alone for so long, maybe he just didn't think of it--but he had been terrified and hen yelled at and all of that could have been avoided with even just a simple "I'm heading out to get some help." Not to mention Seel had been given too much slack for too long and it was going to next to impossible to rein him back in to an acceptable level. Before he hurt someone. If he hadn't already.

Swift took a deep breath, then another, and then one more for good measure, but it didn't help much. he wanted to ask why they should wait, but didn't. Whatever that doctor had done to him he was clearly enjoying and probably was going to for the next hour. Swift wasn't exactly certain how he felt about that.

"If I say yes are you going to run off again without telling me?"

Seel shrugged. "You said to make friends. I made friends. He's not a bad roon either." He knew he probably should have mentioned it. At least said something so Swift knew he hadn't been kidnapped or something horrible. Like Az. But, it had been eight months. Seel was out of practice, trying to get himself off of his vice yet again and seemingly supplementing it with another vice. What was it Law had said during his first session? Don't get addicted to my fingers in your head? Idly, he wondered how many more he could get out of Law before he changed tactics.

"No, I'd much rather stay here with you. I try to stay inside for an hour or two after Law's session." He didn't want people to see him all giddy and smiling. He had a reputation. "I'm sorry. I honestly thought I'd be off the cigarettes by the time I got back." And then Swift would never have had to know. Seel hadn't had any intention of telling him. Of course, he'd been here for almost a year. He figured he had a lot more time.

Swift almost pointed out that he was human so how good could he really be. Instead he took another deep breath and tried to remember that he and Seel were both har and it didn't matter who they took to bed. He didn't care that Seel had rooned someone else, but he did care that it was a human. Or someone who seemed very human. That was just something that he was going to have to get used to, though. They might not have much of a choice in this place.

"And I'm just supposed to sit here and not talk about this until you're ready to?" That was probably the best course of action, but it wasn't going to just go away in an hour, either. They couldn't ignore it and pretend that would make it better. Maybe Seel had to learn how to be with Swift again, but it would have to actually happen at some point.

Don't worry about that Swift. Seel had fun, but he hadn't had that much fun. Law definitely didn't have the right parts to make it more enjoyable for Seel, but it had still been nice. Seel sighed, feeling like he wasn't going to get his wish. He was trying not to get irritated, but he'd gotten so used to not having to deal with anyone but himself that he was pissed off at not being able to get what he wanted.

"Yes that's exactly what you're supposed to do!" Seel finally snapped. "What is it going to take to make you go away?" Swift may not have been right next to Seel but he was still within arms reach. A quick movement was all it took, hand aiming for Swift's face. Welcome home Swift. He might have regretted it the moment it happened, but at the moment, he was angry, his hormones were all over the place and Swift wouldn't stop harping on him.

That was it. He'd gotten too complacent and too close and maybe just a little too dependent on Seel's seemingly good mood. He couldn't dodge the strike in time and took it full in the face, but he was up and across the room in the next moment, glaring at Seel and his cheek throbbing and stinging. He was quiet at first, for probably longer than he should have been but it was either that or start screaming. It took too long to keep himself together enough to speak, although his voice was low and tight.

"After that, if I knew what it took to make me 'go away' I would be gone already. You seem to be doing rather well without me." That wasn't nice, but it was too late now. Seel had started it. "I was terrified, Seel. Did you even stop to think about that? And when I tried to get answers all that...'doctor' would tell me was 'health problems or maybe an injury.' What am I supposed to think? You run off without so much as an explanation and when you come back you tell me he's had his fingers in your head and not to talk about it. By all means, tell me what I'm supposed to take from that."

No, he hadn't actually thought about that. The thought that Swift had been terrified had never crossed his mind. Just that he was trying to control him, just like Cal had, and how damn annoying it was. He honestly hadn't thought about how it would seem to Swift. He opened his mouth, the anger slowly draining from him as he finally thought about his actions the past few hours. He'd talked to Law, left without saying anything. Swift had heard enough of the conversation to be worried. Law hadn't told him anything helpful and then Seel had come back practically out of his mind. Of course he'd been worried.

"Shit." He started to come down from himself, watching Swift glare at him from across the room. As he should. Fuck. What could he do now? Apologize? That would probably be a good start, right?

"I'm sorry Swift."

Swift didn't move--he wasn't stupid enough to get closer now. He folded his arms over his chest and watched Seel from his spot, quiet again, trying to get a hold of himself so he could at least be polite. Or less angry. Or whatever it was that made him less likely to yell at Seel. He looked like he was actually sorry, at least, but that wouldn't stop him from testing the limits again later, or from lashing out at Swift when he tried to enforce them.

"If you were you wouldn't have hit me in the first place." So much for polite. But it was the truth. Seel should know better than to handle a disagreement like a harling.

"Are you going to keep meeting with him? As anything else but just a friend?"

Seel should know better than to throw tantrums like a harling, but he didn't. Or rather, he knew there would be consequences and he did it anyway, claiming uncontrollable forces. It was bullshit. He was an adult har, he should know better. He did know better. And yet. He at least knew better than to try and get close to Swift again. There went his good mood. He crossed his arms defensively.

"Who, Law? Why does that even bother you? You don't like him as my doctor or that I rooned him? Or is that you can't control what he does like you can Phlaar?" That was uncalled for but perhaps there was some truth to it.

"Or are you jealous of a human, Swift?"

That was it, he wasn't sorry anymore.

"You know as well as I do that isn't true. Friends roon, Seel, and I really don't care what you do with him in your bed." Hara don't get jealous, least of all pureborn who didn't know anything else. But of course that's what Seel would make it about. "He about told me you'd done as much, anyway. Trying to get a rise, maybe. I don't know."

He had to stop to take another deep breath before he broke something, and he took the opportunity to close his eyes and not look at Seel for a while. Seel was probably blaming him for ruining his good mood, too.

"I don't like having to 'control' anyone, Seel, and you know that. I want to know if you're going to get any additional treatment from him and if you would be so kind as to tell me when you are."

Oh. That wasn't at all what he was thinking. For a moment Seel wondered if he really had been gone so long that he'd forgotten how to live with Swift. They'd been married for thirty years. Did he really need to relearn everything? He swallowed and took a moment to try and compose himself. He was only making this worse.

For a moment, he didn't know what to say to that, and tried to come up with something that didn't sound really, really stupid. Finally, he came up with "Would you like to come? If I do? That way you could talk to him and see what he does?" That way they wouldn't have secrets and if Swift had questions that Law wanted to check with Seel about first, he was in the room. It was easier. And more like back in Forever.

"He suggested talking to someone. There's a human here, his job is helping people sort out their problems. I couldn't quite make myself go see him on my own." Maybe they didn't have to fix this on their own. Although it would probably be a good place to start, before they asked for help. Seel wasn't sure still how he felt about the idea.

Swift sighed and tried to pull himself back down from the adrenaline rush that the fight had caused. He needed to be clear to keep from yelling. It seemed less and less likely now as the conversation continued, but he still didn't move any closer. Maybe he should have, but he wasn't going to put himself in range again until he was absolutely certain that it wasn't going to happen again.

"If that's allowed." He couldn't imagine that doctor would like it if he showed up but, well, it wasn't his choice and Swift no longer cared if he made him angry. Swift was well within his rights and if someone else didn't like it, oh well. At least this was Seel's idea, so maybe he couldn't yell about that later. He'd probably try, anyway.

The thought of talking to someone made him stop, though, and think about whether or not he actually wanted to. There were all sorts of things he didn't want to discuss at all, let alone with a human. They wouldn't understand. It took him a moment to answer that suggestion, but it wasn't exactly a definitive answer.

"Why? Are you sure you want to share that much with a stranger?"

Swift was pissed. He didn't blame him. Well, okay, he blamed him a little and as far as Seel was concerned right now he was the one who was acting like a harling. "It's allowed. It will be fine. He's learning about our culture just as much as I'm learning about his. It's not like we're back home, we have to make do." Part of him wanted to tell him to stop being so emotional and acting like Cobweb but that wouldn't really help anything would it.

Seel lay down on the couch, if Swift wasn't going to sit down next to him again, fine. "I'm not sure. He saw the memory of my inception by accident. I thought he'd be a good person too but I never made myself go. He doesn't really know anything about us. It's not my first option." Now that he was starting to come down, he was kind of horrified with himself. He hit Swift. They hadn't even been together for an entire week yet and he already hit him. They hadn't even rooned yet, and Ag, he wanted it.

"I just don't know how to fix this Swift. And I want too."

He craned his head up at him, looking at where his hand had made impact. "I'm sorry I hit you. Do you want me to heal it?"

"Then yes, I would. Probably not every time, but I'd like to at least see what he's doing." So he could make sure it was as safe as they could manage to make it. Or maybe just so he could verify that Seel wasn't going to fall over dead because of it. If he hadn't so far he probably wouldn't, but it wasn't as if he had no reason to worry.

He watched Seel lay down and tried to make any of what Seel had just said make sense. Seeing memories, somehow... Swift wasn't even certain he was ready to share everything concerning him with a stranger. But Seel had asked and it wasn't a completely terrible idea. Yet. They'd ind out later if it was, though, and what else could he say? Sorry, no, I don't want this fixed, I'd rather just scream at each other occasionally.

"Alright. I suppose there's no harm in trying it, at least." Or maby there was. He didn't know yet.

He managed another sigh and looked down at Seel on the couch. He could have been petty and said no, but he nodded and finally stepped closer to him, standing next to the couch and offering him a hand up.

Seel was trying to remind himself that Swift was angry and worried because he was concerned. As any good, well meaning chesnari would be if their consorts left without telling them where they were going, was subjected to some weird medical procedure and was acting weird. Especially after Azriel.

Ag they hadn't even started on that. He didn't want too.

He looked up at Swift who had finally come back into range, he couldn't blame him, and slowly accepted the hand he offered so Swift knew he wasn't making another move. When he was upright he channeled agmara through his hands and onto Swift's face. He took his other hand, and lightly traced his face, trying to make up for the hurt he'd stupidly caused earlier.

"I wasn't sure if we wanted to try to get our rhythm back ourselves? Give me a chance?" Part of him wasn't sure if Sweets would understand the complexities of their relationship, coming from different cultures, different species, so many things were different. And yet, relationships were probably relationships in any world too right? He wasn't sure.

Seel watched him sadly. "You know when I first saw you here I turned soume."

Swift couldn't decide whether that was romantic or sad and after a moment's hesitation he slid his arms up over Seel's shoulders and buried his face in his chest for another moment. hoping that it was still comforting after the spat they'd just had. He still cared about him, after all.

"Just from seeing me?" That probably said something, but he didn't want to think about what. He didn't really want to think about anything, if he were completely honest. I felt like everything hurt to think about. Maybe that was just part of being here. It hadn't been long enough for him to really tell.

After a moment he pulled back to look up into Seel's face. He probably should have been more concerned, but he was nothing if not forgiving. Which Seel knew and took advantage of. Oh well.

"You're the one who knows him. That makes it up to you, I suppose. I'm not sure what he needs us to do first. Or will ask us to do."

Seel nodded against Swift as he held him, still taking the opportunity to smell him, inhale, hold him close. Even after the fights, it still felt good. Especially with Swift, to have someone who loved him even after everything he did. Why did Wraeththu spend so much time railing against this? It was lovely. Why did he spend so much time fighting it?

"Just from seeing you. I missed you Swift. It might not seem like it, but I did. You make me feel safe. Even here." Seel sure had a funny way of showing it though, didn't he?

"I don't know much about Dr. Sweets. I don't know what he does. Besides...it involves talking. We talk, he listens. I think. They had these doctors when I was human, I never actually went though. I'm not sure I'd know what to say." There were too many hurts. Where did he begin? Why couldn't he control himself and stop himself from hitting Swift? Why did he get so angry? Was he going to have to talk about inception? Azriel? Was he even ready for it? Would he ever be ready?

Seel saw the thread Swift was dangling in front of him whether he knew it or not. A decision to make, his and his alone. He wasn't sure he could do it though. It figured.

"I don't know either, Seel." That was definitely something Seel would know better than he would. He couldn't think of ever hearing about something similar for hara. Maybe it would help and maybe it wouldn't. But really what was the worst that could happen? They couldn't make anyone talk about something they didn't want to.

He paused for another few moments to think it through, though, reluctant to make a decision so quickly, not really knowing what to expect, and still on the tail end of an argument. "I suppose we don't have to decide right away. I just don't know what to think about that kind of thing." He didn't even know if it would work, or if it would just be a lot of talk. Or if someone would end up traumatized.

He let another moment of silence go by, just enjoying being close again and having Seel to hold on to and anchor himself against so he could take a breath and deal with what happened. He knew better than to expect that here would be easier than home.

Eventually, though, he leaned up to share with him, needing more of a reassurance that he wasn't even certain Seel could give him right now.

He wanted to say that he had intended to talk to Dr. Sweets about Azriel, and get some help or tips or anything he could offer, but even bringing it up brought spasms. Seel couldn't do it. He couldnt bring it up to Sweets and he couldn't bring it up even to Swift. He hoped this wasn't going to be a gulf between them. The unspoken fear that was always in the room.

Seel wrapped his arms around Swift tighter, and leaned down to share breath with the one har he thought he knew better than he knew himself. Considering how self deceptive he was that probably wasn't that hard. Still he offered what comfort he could, leaving himself open and pushing in as much strength and love as he could manage right now. He did try to leave himself open, but there were things that happened in Hadriel he wasn't ready to really face. Or that he wasn't ready to let Swift know. He didn't need the memory of him dying for instance. Seel did not want Swift to experience that, or him breaking down in Hopes temple next to Cal.

Finally, he offered "we could talk to him together. See what it would involve. Then make the decision. When it's right."

Swift appreciated the comfort, and he gladly took all he could while trying to give some of his own back to Seel. It wasn't as much as he would have liked to give him but it was something, at least. More than he'd thought he'd be able to muster. He hadn't even been here for a week and he was already so tired.

He had to pull away eventually but he didn't go far, which was fine with him. After all that he should maybe be more wary about being in arm's reach, but he didn't care. He needed something to hold on to. Or somehar. Whichever. As long as Seel was offering he was going to take advantage of it.

He nodded first, then decided he's probably better say something out loud. "That's probably a better idea. It would give us a better idea of what to expect, anyway." And more information to make a decision with. That alone probably made it worth it.

Seel knew that the fact Swift was physically and mentally exhausted was his fault. He hadn't exactly been the epitome of a loving consort recently. At all. He knew Swift needed his support, and instead all he'd done was make his life harder. He squeezed Swift's hand, still in a better mood and not completely craving nicotine thanks to Law. At least his mood was stabilized.

"Do you want some tea? Actually, I'm not sure if we have tea. We have hot water, would you like some hot water?" Sorry Swift. If he had known you were coming he would have started stockpiling supplies and relying less on Pell's generosity.

"I haven't exactly been the best consort, have I?" No Seel, hitting your chesnari does not make you consort of the year. It does however give you one up on Rue, which really isn't saying much by comparison.

Swift almost laughed, though he did at least manage a smile up at Seel as he shook his head. "I think I'll be alright without hot water, but thank you for offering." Maybe they'd need to find someone who could come and take care of them. Or else one of them would have to learn how to do it, and it was likely not going to be Seel.

He really did not want to answer Seel's question, though he knew he couldn't get away with ignoring it. The answer was not nice, but he couldn't exactly lie about it either. It would be obvious if he did and neither of them would appreciate it.

"No, you haven't. I suppose I can see why, but...I can't say I understand entirely. I'd rather not have to yell at you, Seel. And I'm surprised you haven't learned yet that hitting me doesn't help you."

No, it was not likely to be Seel but until they were able to get someone to help them or Swift learned, Seel at least knew how to boil water. That was better than nothing right? At least it wasn't cat food. Be thankful you never had to stoop that low Swift.

Seel knew it wasn't a safe question to ask. That was why he asked it. They had to start somewhere, and here at least, when Seel wasn't raging, sounded like a good start. "I know hitting doesn't help. Intellectually I know that, Swift. Otherwise I'd go around hitting foreign dignitaries. I just get.....angry." Maybe he should have talked to Sweets about his inception after all.

"I wish I could say I'll do better, but I'll try."Sometimes he really hated his position. Other times he really loved it. And right now he honestly wasn't sure which one it was. Ultimately though, it didn't matter. This was his life, the life he'd accepted when he gave in to Thiede's bargain. And he loved Swift. That he was sure about.

At least Seel knew, but then that just mean that he couldn't control his temper. He really did behave like a harling sometimes. At least he didn't sigh right in his face. It was exasperating, but he was sure Seel already knew that. And it was probably too late to get him to change. Swift would just have to remember to get out of range.

"I appreciate that you're trying, but..." He stopped himself there to reconsider what he was about to say and he took a deep breath and started over. "But sometimes that isn't enough. I know you do your best--I do--but I still end up bruised." That was probably going to set off a new fight regardless but maybe they'd get it all out and not have to fight for a while. It was probably not going to happen that way but he could hope.

Harlings learn, they grow out of it. Seel didn't. At least he was trying to change, whether or not he'd actually make headway was a different story. It probably wouldn't occur without outside help. Or at least Swift. He clearly couldn't change on his own.

Naturally, at this Seel wanted to hit him again, which was the exact response he was trying not to have, especially after Swift said he ended up bruised. He was angry and also angry at himself for hurting Swift. He always felt bad. So, he stepped back, balled his fists up and tried to take a breath.

"I know." He didn't want to admit what Swift probably already knew to a certain extent. The Uigenna broke him. Or maybe he was hurt that his mother didn't want him, or all of the above. Angry at the world, at Cal and Orien and Thiede.

Not a good sign and as Seel stepped back, so did Swift. He was not going to let himself get hit again tonight. It would doubtless happen later when his guard was down, but he was not going to deal with that again in the same evening. He watched Seel's hands ball into fists from out of his reach and crossed his arms over his chest again, face inscrutable and expressionless. He didn't want so much as a frown to set Seel off again.

"This is an improvement, at least, stopping to think about what you're doing before you just do it. I don't expect that you'll never be angry again, Seel, you just need a better way of handling it."

"I know that! I just don't know how or what!" It was so frustrating, he felt like he was fighting against himself, and the urge to just pound into Swift, and not in the fun way. Idly, he wondered if Law's suggestion for nicotine withdrawal would help here too. He doubted Swift was really in the mood to help him out though, especially in reach of his hands,

He took a deep breath, trying to control how angry he was, at least to get out the suggestion. "Law told me that rooning stimulates some....I don't know, it's supposed to help the cigarette cravings, simulate what he did in my head. I don't know if it's the same thing or not or if it would help here though."

Swift took another step back when the yelling started--he didn't have to make it easy for Seel to get hold of him again. But he didn't have any suggestions either, though he was beginning to wonder whether it might be safer for everyhar if he just left for now and let Seel work through the rage where he couldn't hurt anyone else.

"I don't know either." He wished he did, but he was still hesitant to come any closer. He just knew that as soon as he did, Seel was going to lash out again and it wasn't going to just be a bruise this time. "I don't know what to tell you, Seel. I truly wish I did. I don't like this any more than you do."

Seel was resolved to do this dammit. He hated this rage inside him and with Swift here, he wanted to make it go away so he could hold him without wanting to hit him. Or the furniture or the supplies they had that they couldn't currently replace. Swift couldn't exactly leave the spire at the moment, and Seel could always follow him if he was mad enough.

He took a deep breath, hands at his sides. "And naturally, you don't want to be this close to me to find out. I do love you." It wasn't much but he still offered it.

Finally, he tried to use his words like a good little Gelaming instead of acting like a defunct member of the Uigenna. He just wasn't sure how to put what he was feeling into words without putting Swift or their relationship down. "I'm frustrated. I don't have as much control when I'm with you."

Which of course wasn't the backbone of the issue, he was bad when Swift wasn't here too. Swift was just a good target because he sought to actually control him.

"Unfortunately, the only solution I have for that is to leave, Seel. Neither of us want that." It would only end badly and it wouldn't actually solve the problem. If anything, it would just make it worse, make Seel more high strung and more ready to lash out at anyone in front of him if they so much as dared to breathe incorrectly. He watched Seel take a deep breath, try to calm down. It was...better. Not good but at least Seel was aware of what he was doing and trying not to. Even if he was still not great at it, and was making excuses on top of that.

"I love you too, Seel. But this has gone on so long I don't know how to fix it. I wish had something better to say, but I don't. I wish I could make it better. I wish it didn't have to end in a fight every time. But I just don't know." Maybe they did need that human's help, even if he still wasn't certain he'd be comfortable sharing all of his thoughts.

Seel's heart dropped. Wait. Leave as in leave him or leave as in move out or....? He went through the possibilities of what 'leave' could mean, and it probably showed on his face. Maybe the shock of that showed on his face, but it definitely helped calm the anger within him. Maybe calm was the wrong word. It shocked him into submission. His fingers unclenched and his body just sagged there, almost motionless, unable to process.

Finally, he sat down, because standing there like a useless lump wasn't really very helpful and probably made him look stupid. He felt stupid. His heart pounded, almost panicked. "Please don't." He wasn't sure how to fix it, but if it meant Swift would stay he'd do it.

"I'm not going anywhere." He hadn't left in 30 years, he wasn't planning on it now. Even if he had wanted to, he probably couldn't have. Even if he hadn't loved Seel as much as he did, Thiede wouldn't let them separate. And it wouldn't have solved anything, anyway. It just would have created more problems. Seel without a leash was even more terrifying than he was being now.

Swift didn't move at first, watching closely while Seel deflated and sat down. Still, he hesitated for another moment to make sure before he moved again and sat down next to him, wanting to take him into his arms and comfort him, but afraid that it would only put him back into striking distance.

"But if I truly am your problem, Seel--" he doubted very much that as actually true "--then my staying is making it worse."

Seel tried to take deep breaths as the anger utterly fled from him, replaced by fear and longing and a depth of feelings he didn't think he had. Maybe he should have made that hot water. It would have felt good to put his hands around something, give him something to do, to fidget with. At the moment, he wasn't thinking about the consequences, that leaving was impossible, they were bonded in blood and Thiede would find a way to stop and punish them. He just wanted Swift. He knew he loved Swift, he just never quite knew how much until it was threatened with being taken away.

"You're not. I think I'm broken Swift. I think the Uigenna broke me." Ag that made him as bad as Cal. He'd really thought that being with them for such a short time didn't influence him. That it was the immersion that Cal descended into that was the cause. Not the inception or Uigenna blood.

Then he did lean over and slid his arms around Seel to hold onto him for a long several moments of silence. It was obvious he needed the comfort after that. And it wasn't even a threat Swift had any intention of trying to follow through on, though he could imagine that even the thought of it was horrifying. He would have been just as frightened as Seel was if their positions had been reversed. He bit back a sigh and looked at him, sad and a little guilty.

"I don't know how to fix you, Seel. I can't go back and make you something else." Was that all it was? That was a problem they couldn't fix, and that didn't sit well with him. He wasn't stupid enough to believe that Seel would ever be any different and frankly, he wouldn't have asked him to be anything else but more tempered. Swift just didn't like insurmountable problems.

"What can I do?"

Seel let Swift wrap his arms around him, his own by his side, not trying to hold him back, just accepting what Swift was willing to give. He just looked almost in shock, his eyes glassy and slightly unfocused. Finally, he put a hand up and held on to Swift's fingers, closing his own over the tips.

"I can try talking to that doctor. I don't know if it will help or not. I guess he'd be able to tell me that." He might have found out sooner if he had made himself go months ago. Now maybe, he had a reason, he had a want, no matter how much it might not come to pass. Swift.

Seel struggled with his next thought, words and names he wasn't ready to say and Swift probably wasn't ready to hear. "Ponclast was Uigenna originally." They all were, most of the older hara. Uigenna was primal. And not in a good way. " What if that's infected Azriel?" On the other hand, what if Azriel didn't do anything but stare at walls for the rest of his life?

"That might be a good idea." He wasn't really certain of that, but clearly he wasn't helping Seel. All he was doing was making him angry and causing more fights. Maybe someone else would know better. Or how to help at all.

Hearing Azriel's name hurt--it brought up all kinds of painful thoughts and memories and fears that he wasn't ready to deal with yet, let alone breaking down in front of Seel when he was having his own breakdown. He tried to take deep, slow breaths and keep himself together for now--Seel needed him to be as whole and together as he could be. Later, maybe, if he had a chance to be alone, he could fall apart.

"It hasn't, Seel. We would have noticed that by now, I'm sure." Az had maybe been a little rambunctious as a harling, but he hadn't done anything particularly awful. Nothing worthy of the Uigenna or the Varrs Swift had been a part of before.

He wanted to say that Az would be alright but he couldn't make himself speak the words when he didn't know whether or not they were true.

As much as Seel railed against Swift, he needed him to keep himself whole and sane. He relied on his strength and control, and his ability to reign him in when he screwed up. They had worked for thirty years, Seel just needed to remember how to be a consort again.

He looked at Swift sadly, and nodded, trusting that Swift was right. Their son hadn't and wouldn't turn into a monster. Maybe that was the best case scenario of all of this. Azriel was staring at walls, that was better than him turning into Ponclast.
"You're right."

Now it looked like Swift was the one who needed comfort, not that Seel had put himself back together enough to give it. He leaned over to share breath with him, one hand on Swift's chest, the other on his thigh. It had been so long since he'd been with you, Swift.

Swift almost didn't have time to get the walls back up around his fears before Seel was sharing breath with him, so instead he just danced around them, focusing instead on trying to make Seel feel better, ad hoping he'd keep away from the rest. At least he wasn't hitting anymore, and that he had to count as an improvement.

He shivered a little despite himself and the closeness, moving even closer if that were possible, half wnting to just climb into his lap now that Seel was feeling more affectionate. They hadn't even rooned since he'd gotten here, they should change that.

Seel didn't pry, he just wanted to feel Swift, taste him. He knew Swift wasn't ready for everything, whether or not he was admitting it to himself or not quite dealing with it yet. It didn't matter, Swift needed time. Seel had eight months and was still struggling with the issue.

It had taken so little for Seel to turn soume before, just the mere sight of Swift had done it. Now Swift was there, physically comforting him, if not quite sharing, and it was even more of a turn on. He was sure it said something about their relationship that it took so little for Swift to make him whimper and gasp and leave him wanting. Maybe they should move to the bed. Although, now that they weren't in Forever, there wasn't exactly anyone who was going to walk in on them.....

Just a Young Gun With a Quick Fuse

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