hadriel_logs | Princesses in glass towers shouldn't throw stones

Entry tags:

Princesses in glass towers shouldn't throw stones

Who: Seel and Swift har Parasiel
What: After Swift's announcement. Seel and Swift have a chat and snuggle.
Where: Their apartment
When: 2/2
Warnings: Talk of abuse. Probably snuggles and kissing. Will update if necessary!

It was about an hour after Swift's apology to Hadriel that Seel made it into the bedroom that Swift had barricaded himself into. True, Swift had unlocked the door after it became apparent Seel was not going to throw a raging fit and Swift wasn't actually in physical jeopardy. Clarity came unexpectedly in the form of texts from both Atem and Cashmere; a look at himself he didn't expect to get. Afterwards, he stared at his phone, getting up and walking to the door before walking back over to the couch, and back again, working up the courage to open the door and talk to the one har he actually needed too.

What had Atem said? As long as it doesn't hurt you? Well shit. That was the entire problem wasn't it? Cash had summed it up beautifully as well. When you had no control over anything you had to take anything any way you can get it. Seel had made more progress in that last hour than he had over the last forty five years. Maybe that alone made this hellhole worth it.

Gathering his courage, he knocked on the door, and pushed it open slowly. How had this become their relationship? That Swift had locked himself in a room in order to be safe from him? He really wasn't any different than Ponclast after all. Just more civilized. Seel dressed it up in civility and grace, while Ponclast embraced it. That wasn't who he wanted to be, dammit.

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Most of the responses he'd received, were, well. Worrying. To say the very least. Seel had managed to present himself rather kindly to quite a lot of people, it seemed, or at least they didn't seem to mind a more rough nature. It wasn't even that Seel had friends who would defend him that he was concerned about. Friends were a good thing. But so many of them were stuck on the idea that Seel didn't need to change. That he was fine being awful. That he hadn't done anything wrong. And that Swift didn't have a right--a responsibility--to tell him to stop. Would Seel take that as carte blanche to ignore what Swift told him? To do what he wanted however violently he had to do it? Would Swift be able to control him then? Or would he just be trampled and beaten out of the way?

He set the device down and looked up at Seel's knock, smiling gently, but a little sadly at him, hoping that some more of his darker thoughts weren't apparent on his face. He didn't move from where he was seated on the bed, but there wasn't that much distance between them.

"I imagine you heard most of that. I suppose I should have trusted you a little more."

Seel was certain most of them would in fact mind if Seel had gotten physical. As it was, words were more what he used in Hadriel, and easier for people to shrug off it seemed. It also helped he didn't have as good ammunition here. He didn't know these humans or their weak spots, where to go to attack. And the times he did try and act on his aggressive tendencies, he'd gotten shut down. Maglor and his wards had been quite effective. Seel certainly wasn't going to try that twice. Fear was an excellent motivator at keeping his anger under control.

"No, you were right. I haven't been the best I could have been. But that's not what worries me Swift. I hate that you felt you had to lock yourself in here."

Seel wasn't moving from the door, giving Swift his space. And himself time to exit if he needed too.

Edited 2018-02-05 01:45 (UTC)

It worried Swift too, but he did what he had to to protect himself from Seel's anger. It wouldn't stop him from doing what he had to regardless of whether it made Seel angry, but he didn't have to make it easy for Seel to get hold of him, either. If Seel had gotten angry over Swift's apology, he had been fully expecting that he would have gone right past irritation and straight into infuriated. That never ended well for either of them. Swift just got most of the bruises.

He did notice that Seel wasn't moving and he couldn't decide whether or not he appreciated it. Swift wasn't afraid of him right now, but Seel was trying to make him more comfortable. He couldn't fault that. Maybe it showed that Seel was thinking instead of just reacting. Or else something else had happened to make him feel guilty. He leaned back on his hands and sighed toward the ceiling.

"So do I, Seel. But I don't know what else to do. I would love to be able to turn you loose to make your own decisions, but I can't. I would love even more if I could talk to you or others without being afraid of the retaliation it could mean. I don't know how to make either of those things happen anymore. I've been trying for 30 years and nothing has helped."

"Ask any har and they'll tell you. 'Those first gen are all crazy.'" He said it with some humor to take sting of the truth. They all had their issues, the first generation Wraeththu more than any. Be it the landscape and experiences that changed them or the bits of human DNA still lurking inside them, they were less than their children were.

"I talked to Atem and Cash. Well, they texted me. I don't think Atem realized what he was saying but..." Seel shook his head. "I guess it doesn't matter. I'm sorry. " Which was the entire issue. He'd do something, be sorry, and then it would happen all over again.

"I know you can't turn me loose. Intellectually I know that. Even if we take Thiede completely out of the equation." Seel burned too many bridges. They already had too many of those to rebuild with the war.

" I have been trying though. Or maybe there's just been too much to do." He'd been too busy to be an ass? No, that wasn't it. If that was the case, Flick would have never walked out on him.

He took a deep breath, feeling himself getting angry, his chest getting tight, and stepped back into the doorway for a few minutes, breathing, eyes closed.

"Maybe that's true, but we're supposed to be more than that." Supposed to be didn't automatically mean that they were. Maybe that was the point.

"I know you're sorry, Seel. But that hasn't even done anything either." It was always in a circle. Seel angry, then violent, then sorry. Then right back to angry. He sighed again. How was he supposed to break out of that without losing the har he loved more than anyhar else?

"I appreciate that you've been trying. Even if you don't believe me." It was already an improvement that he hadn't stormed in here to start hitting hoping Swift would relent, even knowing that he wouldn't. Seel was blocking the doorway, though. Swift might not stand a chance if he decided that was the best way to fix the problem.

He shifted backward a few inches and pulled his knees into his chest, wrapping his arms around them and burying his face for a moment to appreciate the darkness and pretend he didn't have to deal with the real world for half a breath. Oh to be a harling again.

"What do we do now, then? What will make a difference?"

Swift looked so young when he did that, folding in on himself and Seel let out a soft sigh. As if realizing he was blocking the door and not helping the situation, he took a step back and exited softly. A few minute later he came back with two mugs of hot water. Because, well. That was what they had. He took a few steps and reached out a hand to offer it.

"I was thinking of talking to someone. Sweets maybe. Or even Atem. He's a lot like you actually, Swift. Or Thiede. It really seems to depend." Seel stayed where he was, wanting to move closer to Swift but not daring too until Swift offered. "I'm willing to try."

"Can we start over again?" How many times was he going to have to ask that? "I miss you."

He didn't quite know what to think when he heard Seel leaving, and he looked up again, confused, until he came back with the water and then he managed a little bit of a smile, though it wasn't much and it was mostly at the absolute ridiculousness of the gesture without having any actual tea. Cobweb should have been here, he'd have made sure there was tea.

Swift took the offered mug carefully, unfolding himself slowly and moving over to make room for Seel to sit next to him. If he was even going to. He held on to the mug, warming his fingers with it. He wasn't certain if he wanted to try a sip of plain hot water, but it felt nice to have in his hands.

"You're welcome to if you'd like. I think I'll have to refrain from speaking with that human again." Or something was going to be said that he'd regret later. "I'm positive he hates me, now." He sighed. That seemed to be the prevailing opinion. "I'm not so sure about the other one, but it wasn't exactly a friendly conversation there, either."

Good, Swift was smiling. That was what he was going for, although a teabag wouldn't have gone amiss either. He did miss Cobweb at the moment though. He would have made sure there was tea, he would have gone out and picked leaves if he had too. As it was, if Seel did that he was likely to inadvertently poison Swift, which would have been a pretty big feat to begin with. So he boiled water. Look Swift, he had a skill! He carefully sat down next to him and took a sip of the water because he boiled it, he was going to drink it.

"I'm just trying to think of options. It's something we don't have at home. It could help. And I'm sure he doesn't hate you. He just.....doesn't understand. He's human. Most of them are. They didn't understand Wraeththu when we first came out of the cities and they don't now. Atem? He's just protective I think."

He set the mug down on a nearby table to let it cool. " Do you remember when you told me what Moswell taught about all the different Wraeththu tribes and how biased he was toward Varr greatness? Humans are like that. Even toward each other. They can't read thoughts or share breath, they have a limited amount to go on, and usually it fails them."

Edited 2018-02-05 03:47 (UTC)

A commendable skill, indeed, and one Swift hadn't expected that Seel would ever pick up. Times like now, though, he missed the appointments they had in Forever, the things he'd taken for granted his entire life. Bryony, Yarrow, that they always had things like tea and meals made with real food. If they ever did make it home, he'd certainly try to remember to appreciate what they had there.

He stared into his mug, looking for patterns in tea leaves that weren't there, half amused that he still caught himself doing those things Cobweb had taught him to do since he was a child. Sometimes it even seemed to be right, but he couldn't bring himself to rely on the superstitions quite the same way that his hostling did.

"I'm not so sure. I spoke to him once before this. He wasn't too thrilled with me then, either. I think I've only made it worse." He gave another sigh and closed his eyes for a moment, warding off the headache he knew was coming. "I'm not going to spend more time defending myself to him so I can hear again what a terrible person I must be. But if you think he could help you, you should speak with him."

"Well then you'll have to charm them. You charmed me." Still, he knew what Swift was talking about. Maybe not happened between conversations he wasn't privy to or wasn't paying attention too but there would always be people worth avoiding. Himself and Cal for instance. The mere fact they had survived together here for so long was mind boggling. And completely self destructive on some level. Hadriel's favorite pastime.

"I'll think about. Truth be told I've been thinking about it for a while. I just...haven't been able to make myself go yet."

He watched Swift look into his cup, for items that weren't there. He'd seen the gesture more times than he could count, and he smirked. "Maybe if you swirl the water around you can catch a pattern in the liquid." Or not. He nudged Swift softly, smiling, careful not to nudge him too hard and spill the water. He wasn't sure they had an extra set of sheets.

"Even so, I'd rather give him some time to settle before I tried anything else." He still doubted it would make a difference, but he could try if it made Seel happy. Or if it stood a chance of helping.

"Why haven't you?" He could guess--he'd have had to confront things he didn't want to know about himself, let alone share with others. It wasn't easy. And he doubted Seel had the support of anyhar else to decompress after. No one who could hold him and just let him cry until he was done.

He even managed another, somewhat bigger, smile at Seel's joke and set the cup down before he could spill the water, then laid his head on Seel's shoulder. Maybe it was a little gingerly that he did, still expecting to have to pull away at a moment's notice, but it was an improvement. They were at least in the same room--sitting next to each other even--and not fighting. Or hitting.

"Maybe later. I'm not sure I'd like what it has to say to me."

"I'm sure you know what's best right now Swift. I wasn't able to really....pay attention to a lot of it." He was too busy trying to calm down and answer texts from humans who seemed hostile toward Swift. Still, he knew they meant well. They were just, well, human.

As for why he hadn't gone to see Sweets, Swift had it right. It was hard to look at yourself like that, and to open up. And having Cal after was different than having Swift.

"I didn't think I could. I couldn't make myself go. I'll try now though. " He reached for his hand. "I'll try to at least make the appointment this time....I'm just not sure a human could understand." Or Seel could use his racist human bias as an excuse to not get therapy. That worked too. What other excuses could he come up with? There were a bunch.

"I just don't want to cause a bigger problem than I already have. And forcing the issue now will only cement the wrong idea." He'd like to take care of it now, but he knew better. It wasn't as if he were a stranger to people not liking him, either. Such came with the burden of leadership. He just seemed to dislike him for reasoning that was completely wrong.

"Maybe they can't. From what I heard from him it doesn't seem to me that's too far from the truth." He held on to Seel's hand tightly, an irrational wave of panic gripping him for a moment.

"I'm terrified, Seel. I wanted to believe that the humans were more like us than I was told. And after all that...I don't know. They seem more and more like the horror stories I was told as a child. And there are so many more of them than us. I'm afraid they'll try to take you away from me because they don't understand."

"I'm sure you know what's best. Some time will let both of you ease into ideas and adjust to each other too. " Besides, Seel didn't know Sweets well enough to make any assumptions. Besides the fact that he was looking increasingly haggard lately. That was hard to miss. The ungroomed look was not one Seel admired.

"The humans were are from all over, Swift. Different times, different worlds. Each with their own set of values that they insist on inflicting upon others. There are some humans out there like Bryony. Just like there are some hara out there like Ponclast."

It was Seel's turn to offer a hand and wrap an arm around Swift. " They are only humans. They are not going to take me away from you. Besides, if it even looks like it might come to that, we can talk to Maglor. He's created powerful shields inside his house." Seel was almost on the receiving end of one. Even that glance he didn't like.

"I just don't know, Seel. I'm not a fighter. If they get it into their heads to 'rescue' you from me, I can't fight them off." Not to mention if they came for him in a mob he wouldn't have stood a chance anyway. Besides, they couldn't just stay in the house forever. Sooner or later one of them would have to leave. Or they both would. Even two of them weren't a match for a mob.

He tried to take a deep breath, but it didn't help all that much, and he just tried to focus on Seel's hand in his, the weight of Seel's arm around his shoulders. That didn't help much either. He kept wondering if it might me the last time he might feel that if the humans kept up with their irrational struggle against something the hara involved were (mostly) alright with.

"I really hope you're right."

"Tell you what. You and Maglor seemed like you....got along well enough. Why don't you talk to him. Tell him what you told me, and tell him I told you to ask about the shields. He's reasonable, powerful and seems quite old. He reminded me a little of Thiede actually. Or perhaps what Thiede could have been." If he embraced his soume side.

"That way you're making a new friend and solving a problem at the same time." He wrapped the other arm around Swift. "No human is taking me away from you. You've just had a rough time. This place is new." Don't make him rock you like a harling, Swift, he'll do it.

It took a few more breaths before Swift could stop thinking the worst thing possible, but he nodded eventually, even if he was still sort of clinging to Seel in case he did vanish. Or get pulled away from him. Whichever. It might take a few days of nothing happening for him to calm down fully, but he could try. He knew how to be a grown up. A damn diplomat.

"Alright. I can try that. That's a good idea." Better than sitting around and stewing in the completely irrational fear of losing Seel and then his mind because he was worrying too much. "Thank you, Seel. I'll try talking to people again when I've calmed down a little more."

Seel held Swift a little longer before pulling him down tothe bed with him. It was easier to snuggle this way. And Swift could be assured he wasn't going anywhere. For a moment, he was concerned, but after thinking about it briefly Seel realized Swift's reaction made perfect sense. He'd just lost Azriel, he was in an unfamiliar place, and the humans were mean to him. No wonder he was feeling vulnerable. And possible a little crazy.

He wriggled under the covers, not really needing the extra warmth but figuring Swift might feel safer and pulled it over them.

"Good. You're safe here. Remember that." At the very least, Seel could throw the humans across t he room. But they also had guns. Best not mention that to Swift.

Swift didn't resist, laying down next to Seel when he was prompted and pulling in close to his side once he was settled. His head rested on Seel's chest so he could hear the har's heartbeat. That helped too. At least he was beginning to feel safe again, protected at least a little in Seel's arms. And there was nohar else to see him fall apart. That helped a little too. He could still be the grand leader without having to worry about it.

"I'll try to." They were as safe as they were going to get in a place like this. That was better than nothing. He felt his eyes drifting closed to just appreciate the moment, the contact, and take another few deep breaths. It was fine. It would be fine.

"Thank you, Seel. I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"Hey. Within these walls your safe. We both are. Besides, I fell apart before. Everyhar deserves their chance, right?" At least when Swift fell apart no one got hurt. That was a small favor, right? Seel was just happy that Swift forgave him every time. He really owed you Thiede. He couldn't deal with Swift walking out like Flick had.

He gathered Swift in his arms, holding him.

"What part scared you so much?" Seel inquired, not wanting to upset him further but curious what set this off in the first place. Humans were....well, maybe it was just because Seel had been human, that he was alright with it. He knew how they could be. Too Swift, they were scary, two headed monsters who breathed fire.

Swift took another deep breath and snuggled closer to Seel, just letting himself be held for a moment. He felt much better with Seel's arms around him--he always did. He even started to believe that they were safe in here, away from everyone else.

"I don't know. They all seem so...put out with me for that and I'm not sure why. And they all seem so convinced that I'm terrible for you." Or not all of them, but most of them. Enough that it seemed like it was all of them. Or maybe he was just terrified that they so strangely, severely outnumbered.

"I just feel like they could be thinking anything and if they truly think I'm so awful, why wouldn't they want to swoop in and solve the problem?" Or maybe he was just used to dealing with the Gelaming now, and that's what they liked to do.

"They're humans. Humans are naturally judgmental. Wraeththu are different and they don't know you." Seel tried to explain, go at this from a logical angle like he normally did. Swift was too emotional, no doubt he got that from Cobweb. Sometimes he had trouble seeing things like he could. Or maybe he just wasn't a callous Gelaming.

"They're looking at it with human blinders on. They just don't understand. Normally I'd say let's invite them over and Yarrow can cook something wonderful for dinner, but I'm afraid that solution probably wont help here. They just need to get to know you. On our terms. Don't relinquish power to them, Swift. This is no different then when you were just starting out and the Parsic tribe was new. It's the same thing. They have to learn who you are, and what makes you you before they can respect you--or me, and our decisions. Otherwise they're only making decisions without the benefit of all the information. Understand?"

Seel let Swift huddle against him, an arm wrapped loosely over him. He didn't want to curl him close, even though he could tell Swift needed it. Did that make him a bad consort?

"Besides, if they try anything, there are Guards here. I can't say I think much of them at the moment but they would help if we asked. I do know one member who is trustworthy. And not human."

"I understand." He sighed. He did understand, but that didn't mean he liked it any more. That was fine, he'd done thing he didn't like before. That was basically his entire job description--doing things he didn't like. Sometimes it even seemed like that was his entire life.

If Seel wasn't going to hold on to him, then he was going to hold on to Seel, regardless of his opinion. It was comforting to have something to hold on to, regardless of whether or not that something was going to hold him back. He tried taking a few more deep breaths to pull himself back together--suck it up and look the part, Swift. Deal with it. Put his problems back in a corner where he could handle them by himself later when nohar else was looking.

"I suppose that's a good thing to know. I'll see if I can find them."

Seel sighed. He was being a bad consort. He wrapped his arm around Swift tighter, trying to support him even as the autarch clung to him. At least they were behind closed doors, where no one else could see them. That was part of his job too wasn't it?

"Curufin is the guard I know. He's kin to Maglor, I believe you spoke to him earlier. He also worked with me at the fire station. He can be trusted. I can't say the same for the other guard members but I suppose they are worth investigating."

He trusted Swift's judgement.

He wasn't sure what that sigh meant, but he also wasn't sure if he even wanted to ask. He probably wouldn't like the answer. He wanted to make a face, but didn't, just trying to breathe and calm himself down. He was being irrational and he knew it, but he couldn't help it, either. How was he supposed to know what so many humans would do if they got an idea in their heads?

"Alright, thank you. I'll see about asking around or speaking to them directly."

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