hadriel_logs | Event Log: Tears of Joy

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Event Log: Tears of Joy

Who: All characters participating in the event
What: The event log for the Tears of Joy event
Where: All over the city
When: April 21st-April 30th
Warnings: Lots and lots of regret

Sorrow's back! That's great, except for the sudden wave of sorrow and regret blanketing the city. And boy is it strong. It's hard to think about anything except all the times you've hurt someone, let someone down, failed. It's hard to get through your day while your mind is full of those thoughts, but you have to, right? Otherwise you might be letting someone else down.

Everything would feel a lot better if you could just find a way to make up for what you've done. A way to earn forgiveness. Do you deserve it? Maybe not, but if you can figure out the right thing to do, it won't matter - you'll make up for all the wrongs you committed and everything will be fine. So what will you do? Clean your friend's entire house? Hunt monsters and leave their heads at your ex's doorstep, like a particularly upsetting cat? Or is there something else even more drastic you can do?

Or maybe this isn't really affecting you at all - but someone else feels like they've wronged you, and they want to make it up to you. Are you going to take advantage of this? Pretend it's not happening? You do still feel kind of annoyed by that thing they did that time...

► This log covers April 21st-April 30th.
► Feel free to make your own logs, as well
► Please tag headers of threads with content warnings where they apply
► Please put your character's name and open/closed in the subject line of your starters!
► If you decide the only way to make up for what you've done is the final solution, please let us know here.

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[The guilt feels like it's going to eat her alive.

It's a few days into the event when the weight of everything feels like too much, Lup slipping into the twin's shared bedroom while she knows her brother is inside, the door clicking shut behind her. A part of her knows this has to be the gods, it doesn't feel like the blind rage she'd been manipulated into before, but the regret sits so heavily on her heart, manufactured or otherwise, she just needs to make up for what she'd done.

Considering how gleeful she's been since her date with Barry, the mood shift is so very obvious, the woman's ears drooping down low while she bites at her bottom lip, clearly a little nervous about how to approach this conversation. It has to happen, she can't just let it sit anymore, but Lup knows her twin well enough to know he isn't going to like it.]

Got a sec?

[Gods, these sorts of events are stifling.

Thankfully, when Fear isn't the one running the show, it's much easier for Taako to realize when emotion being pumped through him is artificial. He doesn't regret- even when he does, he doesn't fucking wallow in it like this, he doesn't crave redemption or forgiveness. He's a dick and he knows it. He doesn't need anyone's goddamn forgiveness. He deserves to be the way he is, he's earned it, and he's very adamant on that. But it sticks to him, syrupy into his veins and head, and he can't get it to cease. So he does the next best thing. He hides. He sticks to the house, he pulls the brim of his hat down low, he slides into friend's rooms when they're out or occasionally climbs into the closet just for some relief. Once or twice he's gotten desperate enough to open up a Rope Trick hole and settle in there when he really feels like crying. He's almost at that point now, sitting on his bed in what he'd like to pretend is a fort but is really sitting under a blanket with a ball of Dancing Lights for a reading glow, pretending like he's studying his spells and doing nothing of the sort.

Lup's voice rings out, and he bites his lip, but moves a hand to part the curtain, most of it still hanging over his head. She can see one eye and a bit of an ear, the rest hidden between hair and blanket.]

Uhh... Yeah. Here, hang on.

[He summons the rest of the lights from the cantrip, and has them pull up the blanket in four parts. Now it's... kind of a fort. But more than that, no one else just walking in can see them.]

You wanna come up?

[Lup doesn't need to answer, Taako knows what she's going to do long before she makes the move to do it.

Taking a moment to toe off her shoes, Lup climbs the rope ladder to where Taako's set up his little blanket fort, the woman immediately shimmying her way inside where he's kept hidden. They've spent most of their lifetime squeezing into small spaces together, so the shifting comes naturally without thinking, Lup just curls around her twin, her arms slinking around his middle. Her head finds his, bumping together affectionately before she's just focusing on the sickening guilt that continues to linger between them.

Normally, being this close to Taako, the two of them shut away from the rest of the world, that is where Lup feels the most right. But normally she isn't being weighed down by this awful, unshakable regret, by the need to apologize and make up for her past mistakes.

She huffs against him. None of this is easy.]

You got hit with it too, huh?

[They're like cats at this point; small places mean safety, less people to sneak up on them, less places they can be found. They could own whole mansions, miles and miles of land, and they'd find each other in a cupboard under the sink. His arms wrap around her, one going up to rest a hand lazily on her head, fingers twisting gently through her hair. The other loops around her waist, up her back, cradling her close to his chest.

It should feel better. Everything with Lup should be better. But this artificial bullshit is dragging them apart, and he hates that more than anything.]

... Yeah. Guess Sorrow's back.

[He remembers this emotion, the crushing of guilt and pain, because it was the sweep of the city right before Kravitz died in front of him.

Fuck that guy. The hand near her back curls into a fist for just a moment, a flex of nervous energy.]

It's just... stupid. 'Ss all stupid, I don't... you don't have to say anything. If you really don't want to.

[He tilts his head down towards her, letting his nose rest on her forehead at her bangs, lips ghosting at the top of her head with just enough pressure.]

Fuck him too, [comes Lup's automatic grumble, her voice rumbling low between them as they find their perfect positions, curled and coiled and completely wrapped up in one another. It's where they're safest. It's been well over a full century since they'd been forced to make it out on the road, never more in-sync than then, when their every movement, every word was for one another and no one else.

But they still end up this way, even after opening their hearts to other people, still find their way back to one another, back to where it's just Taako-and-Lup and no one else exists. Maybe it's not the healthiest of coping mechanisms, but it's all they've ever known.]

I really don't want to. But maybe I should anyway. [Saying it aloud shouldn't make everything different between them. It's just like after her dream, when he'd tried to talk her out of becoming a lich. Or his dream, when she'd dragged out the truth of their time apart from him. Those conversations hadn't hurt them, hadn't damaged what they meant to each other, so why does this one make her so damn nervous?

Taako would feel the steady breath his sister draws in, the way her fingers twist into his shirt. He can probably guess what comes next.]

I'm... I'm so sorry I left. Left you behind. I fucked up.

[The guilt just digs down against her chest, leaving Lup to exhale sharply, her eyes wide and a little pleading, meeting his. It's her fault that so much happened to him. That he lived that lonely decade without her, that his memories without her turned him into someone different, that she wasn't around to protect him from Sazed, from Lucretia, to save him from losing their identicalness in Wonderland...

If she hadn't left, even if Lucretia's plan had gone through, at least they would have been together, had their same memories and struggles. It would have been something, which is so much more than Taako was left with.]

[He kind of hopes she won't talk. Part of him wonders if they can just keep hiding this, lying about this whole thing, wrapped up here in each other forever. But he feels the emotion burning in his throat, the worry and the artificial emotion choking at him. He's sure she feels the same. But he still feels better having her close, whether that's because of her presence or because they might finally come to conversation.

It's still hard, when she speaks. It doesn't feel better at all.

Taako feels like he's been punched, like her knuckles have dug into his chest and her nails have grabbed at his heart. He's been terrible to her about this in the past. Fucking awful, in fact. He's screamed and cried and fought her on this, and the guilt fights him worse with Sorrow nagging at his heels. Because yeah, there was so much that culminated from that choice, things he's blamed on other people but known it would have been better if she had just stayed with him. If she had just been close.

He feels like he's going to cry. He doesn't want to. But his hands shake as he reaches out, brushes some hair from her face, tucks it behind her ear as his hand moves to cup her cheek.]

Hey, it's... you didn't know. You couldn't've. You were just... just tryin' to do something right.

[Even if she did still run off on her own, leave him wondering, leave him and Barry clinging for something it would take them so long to find.]

It still woulda... Lucretia still would've done it. We still would've lost everything.

[Taako moves to touch her, to brush the hair from her face, and Lup's eyes are drawn to the tremble of his hand, her whole expression crumbling at the sight of it.

It makes the words fall from her lips that much easier.]

I know, I know none of us could have known what was gonna happen, but that doesn't... I still shouldn't have. I should've told you what I was doing. I should've taken you with me. If it was the two of us putting away the gauntlet together, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have been trapped. You wouldn't have lost me. Barry wouldn't have been on the run for years. I--...

[Sucking in a sharp breath, tears prickling at the corner of her vision, Lup lets loose a mirthless laugh, her shoulders quaking beneath the guilt pressing into her chest.] It's my fault and I couldn't even get rid of it properly.

[Another city up in flames. More slaughtered innocents to add to her total. It still hurts, of course, but even under Hadriel's influence, Lup can realize the pain is so much more than it's been in years. Her time in the Umbra Staff, those years with nothing but reflection, had done so much to soothe the guilt she'd been stricken with when she'd first left. But now it's come back doubled.

Lup knows she's let down the most important person in her life. She reaches up to scrub her hand over her face, trying to remove any evidence of her tears.]

I know you don't wanna hear this shit. Sorry. I hate these fuckin' dickheads.

[She speaks, and he leaves his hand on her face, draws himself forward so he can tap their foreheads together. Just them. No one else gets this. Sorrow might be trying to strong arm his way into the center of this crap, but Taako won't let him. The words are hers, and they're for him alone. His thumb runs in calming circles over her cheekbone, dipping away tears as they hit.]

Hey. Look, it's... you did something. That matters, y'know? We were all sitting there just waiting for... for the world to end, basically. And you said we weren't gonna do it like that.

[Like she did all that time ago, back in robot planet, when he'd callously advocated to burn a whole world. He still would, for her. But that's not the point in this moment.]

You were always the best of us. Of-- of the crew and of... me. Stuff moved 'cause you made it move. Besides, kinda think you've hurt enough for that, huh? Getting stuck with velvet as a view for 10 years. Blech.

[He tries to laugh, but they both know it's not there. It's just all he has. It's all he's ever had, especially when the pressure from this only hurts because he's put it there, and hasn't stopped.]

Is this at least making you feel better, or are we just jerkin' these guys off by this point?

[It's been months in this place, months since she'd been freed from the umbrella, but sometimes it feels like she's still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Like she's waiting for Taako to realize that Lucretia doesn't deserve all of the blame for what happened to him. That Lup herself deserves a portion of his wrath, to be pushed aside and left unforgiven, ostracized for her betrayal of his trust. For leaving him behind when she promised they'd always be together. For not even having the decency to leave behind a real note for him, something both he and Barry could have held onto, could have found some comfort within.

Not just the false hope and broken promise she'd actually left.

But here Taako is, still making excuses for her as always, waving away her mistakes with an awkward laugh, saying that Lup's paid enough for everything. That she was the best of them.

That she deserves his love and forgiveness, but still outright denying Lucretia access to anything. That will never sit right in her.

But Sorrow's hold over Lup fades as the apologies slip from her mouth, the deep well of guilt slipping away to fill with something else, something even stronger. Taako may not fully acknowledge the mistakes she's made, may not want to even hear the words fall from her mouth, but Lup's going to make it up to him. She's going to make all of this right.

Their foreheads are pressed together, Lup watching her twin from this close of a distance, her hands slipping up his to cup his palms over her own cheeks, holding him to her. When she speaks, the brokenness is gone.]

I think so? It's... Yeah, yeah. I do. [They are going to be alright.] I'm going to make it up to you, Taako. I promise. Whatever supreme fuck ups I make from here on out, I'll never leave you again. You're stuck with me. Forever.

[If there's anything Lup can count on, it's that Taako is great at placing the blame where he wants to see it. And while there were plenty of times he probably should have lashed out, fought back, been angry-- it just makes him scared. With her, it's not about lashing out, taking what's his, bolstering what he wants and pushing aside all else. The thought of living a life without her will only ever make him afraid.

It's why he holds so tight to this now. He can't lose her again. He'd leave the world behind if it meant keeping her by his side.

Taako resolved as soon as he got his memories back that he couldn't think about living again with his chest empty of his heart.]

I dunno if stuck with is the right word there, babe. Also the, uh, the stuck with you part. Because you're deffo stuck with me.

[Even as her worry wanes, though, his is beginning to claw at his gut. She came out and did this for him, even if it was induced by Sorrow. And there's always regrets simmering in Taako's mind, even if they weren't things Taako did back home. They've had time here now. Plenty of time for him to be the less than ideal brother.

Fuck, he hates this.]

And look, you... I'm the one who's made you feel bad about being. You.

[He feels choked up, and he tries to stop himself before he continues, even though he knows it's going to be a losing battle.]

[What Taako doesn't realize is that nothing could make Lup leave his side. Not again, not now, after having gone so long without him. His anger that he has every right to, his upset with the decision she'd made, the feeling of betrayal at being left nothing but a note - none of it would create a divide between the two of them. None if it would lessen the love she holds for him.

It would only ever serve Lup to do better by her brother, but she'd never blame him for it. They are in this together forever and nothing could come in between them.

With some of the guilt off of her shoulders, Taako drags a smile onto Lup's lips, her eyes slipping shut, like she trusts that he'll be there when she opens them.] Same thing, dork. We're the same. You and me. That's never gonna change.

[Maybe not as perfect a match as they used to be, but always the same.

What Lup doesn't expect is the sudden tightness in Taako's throat when he speaks again, her eyes quickly opening again when she detects his struggle.]

I don't... [There's concern there, always for Taako, but the confusion flashing across her face says it all. Whatever he is trying to apologize for, she doesn't have a clue.] What do you mean, 'Ko? You never made me feel like that.

[Maybe that's a fault for both of them. They don't blame each other, even if they should. Even if she should. There was a time where Taako would never have doubted their bond, and really, that's not what his strife comes from. Before he lost his memory, he never truly knew loneliness. And now that he does, the fear of it, the thought that it could ever happen again, becomes paralyzing sometimes. He never wants to do anything that could chance him losing her. Anything he could be that pushes her away.

He doesn't want to talk about this, but since when does he want to talk about any of it. But it's Lup. It's Lup and he has to and anything is preferable to driving a wedge between them further.]

I mean, I... I know I've said some things in the past that weren't, uh. Great. Like, it...

[Augh, he's just never been good at this. At not hurting people by being insufferably guarded. He's trying to remember that it's her, but it becomes less of a matter of trust and more like a reflex he can't seem to turn off, a tic somewhere in his mind he can't shake.]

You know I'm not mad at you for, like, becoming a lich and everything right? Like, I know my subconscious is kinda, uh, fucked up most of the time, but really. You're still my sister. Nothing's gonna change that. Even if I'm just... kind of a fucking mess most of the time, but I mean, I guess that's kind of a constant too.

[As much as Taako struggles, as many times as he stutters and stammers over his words, he's still talking and that means everything to Lup. That means their connection remains, that his faith in her hasn't faltered. They may still be working towards what they used to be, the residual effects of his life without her continuing to linger almost a year after their reunion, but Taako's still here, struggling to open up with her, but speaking honestly and as open as he's able, letting her in where no one else has ever been allowed.

The thought fills Lup with warm reassurance that tingles straight down to her fingertips, blossoming into something soft and fluttery in her chest. It feels good. It feels real good, the constant comfort of her twin right there at her side, palms pressed together, hearts beating as one.

No matter what he's put through, this bond between them can't be broken or taken away. She owes him everything. Every step she's ever taken has been because he was there supporting her through it.

She reaches up to flick his nose, affectionate in the only way they understand.]

I am still your sister. I know we've - [Hm, saying they've chatted about this before feels like too much. It drags her right back to those feelings after her dream, after Taako told her he couldn't follow her. Lup rewrites her thoughts.] Look. Taako. I promised it was you and I from here on out months ago, didn't I? Said we wouldn't make any decisions without one another, right? And that hasn't changed. You an' I've been facing all of this shit head on since then and that's not stopping. All of these are us choices, not Lup choices or Taako choices. It's all us together.

[It'll always be her. Where his words fail, she'll find him, know him and help him until he can stand and move on. It's just caught somewhere in fake memories, in thoughts of everyone leaves eventually and you've always been alone that are true and false in timeline tandem. But he doesn't want to let go. If he'll fight for anything, it'll be for her, every time.

He screws up his face when she flicks at him, making a halfhearted bite for her finger.]

I know, I... I know. I just don't want you to think that I'm holding somethin' back, or not... trusting you. Like we're, we're killin' it you know? Better together.

[He feels like he's rambling, not getting anywhere of real substance.]

I'm sorry I've been so fucked up about everything. Like, it's over, I should let it go, it's not that I don't... trust you. I just... forget.

[God, the worst word he could think of here, but the only one that's right. Sometimes, he forgets. Not the sort of panic where she isn't there, but he forgets he has the support, the people there, like his subconscious is still riddled with holes and connections fall through them in moments of panic. He hates it. He hates how changed he is, has become, will continue to be.]

You're still the most important person. No matter what.

[It's surprising how much that single word twists in her gut, makes her grip around her twin tighten, her mouth go dry.

She's been reveling in the feeling of being remembered for months now, that Lup's almost forgotten how fearful the prospect of being forgotten is. It's just like the dark, a new fear she never really has any issue with until the exact moment she's faced with it, something so easy to dismiss until her head is already spinning.

Her tongue feels heavy, but Lup wraps herself around Taako and tries to find the words they both need.]

And you're mine, dingus. C'mon, we're good, Taako. Even if you - Even if you forget, I'm right here to remind you, alright? All of us are. But especially me. I already told you that no one is gonna rip us apart again. It won't happen.

[Lup presses a hand over his heart, warm palm to it's steady beat, and bows her head in close. They are both in this fight now. He doesn't have to do any of this alone again.]

[He sighs, somewhere between the relief he needs and a huff of misplaced breath.]

I know, I mean-- I know, I just keep feeling stupid dumb shit because we're stuck in fucking lich hell and like, if I couldn't deal with my own feelings before, here we FUCKING are.

[At this point he's just frusturated. Why are there so many feelings all over the place! It should be illegal. But he speaks, soft again, more secrets just for them.]

I don't want to forget. I don't-- I can't. I fuckin-- I told you, I thrashed Barry and Krav when I even thought that could happen. But I j... you deserve me to be good, you know? To not be so fuckin' me all the time.

[Because who has he ever been on his own? A killer. A danger. A libility to himself and others. Always afraid if someone will have him, because someone has to. He lets himself lay heavy against her, hair falling messily around his face.]

I just can't be alone again.

[Lup keeps that palm of hers pressed to his chest, pressed against his heart, their heads bowed together, bodies a near perfect mirror of one another. Taako whispers, voice low, into her ear, spilling secret truths held in for so long he doesn't know what they really mean anymore.

And then, without any hesitation, the woman lifts her free hand and smacks her twin right upside the head.]

Shut it, dingus. I want you to be you. You're a total asshole and so am I. That's all I want. Don't ever change a fucking thing.

[There's more to it, sure, years alone that have changed him, pulled them apart, but Lup means every word. She wants this Taako, the man standing in front of her, just the way he is. It's not a perfect fit anymore, they aren't quite the matched set they used to be, but this is the proof of how much they've gone through, the years spent fighting to get back to one another. It's important. It matters.]

[Man, he's lucky to have her. Most people might not be so thankful to be smacked across the head (outwardly, Taako included), but she always knows when things get too dark. When their hearts are connected and he starts dragging her down, she pulls him out of his thoughts and from his pit of wherever the hell he's slipping. This is why he needs her. This is why he needs someone.

Outwardly, he sputters, pulling back and then bumping his forehead into hers none too gently.]

Jeez, I try to say something about bettering myself or whatever, but nah, back to dicksquad with both of us. You just want me to excuse your bad behavior.

[But he's grinning, and he leans his head back in gentler now, bumping their shoulders.]

You're all I need, too. Don't go runnin' off on me for any dumb shit, alright? We're only gonna get this together. 'Ss better that way.

Like I need the excuse.

[They may not be the perfect match they once were, all long limbs and freckled skin and long hair, but their smiles are a perfect mirror image of each other, grinning and sharp, just the barest hint of teeth hidden beneath their lips. They bump together and Lup tangles her fingers into her twin's hair, giving his thick locks a tug before she's wrapping him up again.

They can stay like this for awhile, curled up together, the rest of the world forgotten.]

C'mon, I love Barry an' all, but no one's as fun as the two of us together. You know that, goobus. We aren't going anywhere without the other. And let's be honest, this place deserves us at our worst together.

[He curls in with her touch, finding the places they fit into each other without words. Fuck the world. They're five again and this is Fort Taaco and none of it has happened yet. In this moment, it's a problem for their future.]

Nobody deserves our best. Fuck 'em.

[Taako sighs, and does his best to make everything feel right. It's quiet, and not something he almost ever gives. But that's how he knows it'll matter. He knows she'll know it matters, too.]

Love you.

You an' me against the world, babe. No one stands a chance when we're together.

[In a few days, these feelings of guilt are going to fade just as they do after every emotion-fueled event ends, but at least the two are leaving it behind even stronger than ever, not as fragmented or confused as past events have left them. With that push from the gods, they've finally been able to broach some topics that have needed to be brought up for years now.

Maybe neither of them had really wanted to talk about them still, but they did and it's done. And here they are, still curled up on one another, Lup's overpowering love for her twin beating in time with her heart. Kicking the rest of the world out and just pretending it was the two of them all alone again seems like a good idea. Let the boys rustle up dinner on their own for once. The Taacos are good in here.]

Love you too, nerd.

[He kind of wants to laugh, but not really because it's funny. It's just nice, to have this. To have something he knows is his. Forget the world and his mistakes and her missteps. He's not moving.

So instead she can just feel him chuckle a bit against her, letting his weight flop in and holding himself less.]

Yeah, yeah, dork. You're stuck here now. Better settle in.

[Neither of them are going anywhere.]

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Event Log: Tears of Joy

lup l closed to taako

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