Barry J. Bluejeans (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
barold) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
hadriel_logs2018-06-17 01:11 am
barold) wrote in hadriel_logs2018-06-17 01:11 am
Entry tags:
[CLOSED] Look at us, the King and Queen of emptiness
Who: Barry Bluejeans and Lup.
What: A husband fucked up and scrambles to make up for it.
Where: Outside Lup's bedroom window.
When: June 1st, nearing midnight.
Warnings: Mention of death and previous abuse, probably. Will update if needed!
[It doesn't take a genius to see just how badly Barry has screwed things up.
Sixty years. It's been sixty years since he finally managed to push past his fears and insecurities, since all those years of quiet pining culminated in a duet that would change everything, a moment that shaped the rest of his life in ways he couldn't begin to fathom. Since that moment, that whole year, where the music they made together said more about his feelings than Barry had been able to articulate on his own, he hadn't willingly spent a day apart from Lup.
Not until Hadriel.
Not until these fucking liches took everything from him.
Rage had been bad enough. What Barry did to Lup under Rage's cloying, seductive influence had been despicable, completely inexcusable, and he's been atoning for his sins every way he could since the day he came to. Both of them have. They'd been healing since then. Slowly but surely, they'd been getting back to normal, back to touch and trust and affection. But then Fear decided he was hungry as well, and once again, Barry had been too weak to resist. "I'm sorry, but..." Once again, Barry had ruined the best thing in his life. "It's not you..." This time, Lup hasn't been willing to meet him in the middle. "It's me."]
Lup? It's me.
[She hasn't been answering his texts. Nor returning his calls. After days of agonizing over what to do, of worrying himself sick and getting lost in his own spirals of guilt, Barry finally mustered the courage to take matters into his own hands. By wandering from his house to Lup's with a handful of pebbles in his pockets. Pebbles he's now tossing at her window as best he can - his aim isn't the best - one by one, calling her name as gently as he can.]
Lup? You there? [He throws another pebble. Tink.] Please? [Tink.] Lup? It's me. Please, I-- I wanna talk. [Tink. Tink. Tink.]
What: A husband fucked up and scrambles to make up for it.
Where: Outside Lup's bedroom window.
When: June 1st, nearing midnight.
Warnings: Mention of death and previous abuse, probably. Will update if needed!
[It doesn't take a genius to see just how badly Barry has screwed things up.
Sixty years. It's been sixty years since he finally managed to push past his fears and insecurities, since all those years of quiet pining culminated in a duet that would change everything, a moment that shaped the rest of his life in ways he couldn't begin to fathom. Since that moment, that whole year, where the music they made together said more about his feelings than Barry had been able to articulate on his own, he hadn't willingly spent a day apart from Lup.
Not until Hadriel.
Not until these fucking liches took everything from him.
Rage had been bad enough. What Barry did to Lup under Rage's cloying, seductive influence had been despicable, completely inexcusable, and he's been atoning for his sins every way he could since the day he came to. Both of them have. They'd been healing since then. Slowly but surely, they'd been getting back to normal, back to touch and trust and affection. But then Fear decided he was hungry as well, and once again, Barry had been too weak to resist. "I'm sorry, but..." Once again, Barry had ruined the best thing in his life. "It's not you..." This time, Lup hasn't been willing to meet him in the middle. "It's me."]
Lup? It's me.
[She hasn't been answering his texts. Nor returning his calls. After days of agonizing over what to do, of worrying himself sick and getting lost in his own spirals of guilt, Barry finally mustered the courage to take matters into his own hands. By wandering from his house to Lup's with a handful of pebbles in his pockets. Pebbles he's now tossing at her window as best he can - his aim isn't the best - one by one, calling her name as gently as he can.]
Lup? You there? [He throws another pebble. Tink.] Please? [Tink.] Lup? It's me. Please, I-- I wanna talk. [Tink. Tink. Tink.]
no subject
It's Lup's first night alone since reviving, the elf relaxing on her floating bunk, hunched over with a bottle of nail polish in hand, finishing off the last of her toes with a new coat of hot pink. Without Taako, who she'd shoved off on Kravitz for the night, the room's a little too quiet for the elf's taste, just still enough to make her feel uneasy. Usually the sound of the ocean waves, not that far off from where their house had been planted, is all the comfort the woman needs, but tonight's her first night alone.
So she puts on one of the throwaway cassette tapes that had been dropped into the city months earlier and bobs her head along with the music, shimmying in her bed while she finishes off her nails.
Tink. Tink.
With the music playing, Lup misses Barry's soft pleas, misses at least the first ten pebbles to tink against the side of her home, but it's during a quieter lull in the beat when both of her ears perk up, catching the sound. She pauses, a hand frozen over her big toe, waiting.
Tink.
Finally the elf appears, sliding her window open and popping her head outside, gaze dropping down from the second story to where her ex is standing below on the ground.
Seeing Barry is.... It's hard. Harder than Lup would like to admit. Maybe it's been cold of her to ignore his messages, to screen his calls, but the twins have never exactly had stellar coping mechanisms. She hasn't felt ready to see Barry again, to lay her eyes on the face she's loved for nearly a century at this point. How is them not being together ever going to be easier?
Still, whatever she's feeling, none of it comes out in the elf's cool expression, the casual way she leans against the window sill, resting her chin in her palm.]
What, the front door go outta style?
no subject
She hasn't put them up around him in a long time.
This time, there's no doubt he deserves it.]
Didn't figure I was welcome.
[It's an honest answer - if Merle or Angus or Taako had come to the door, there's no doubt in his mind he'd be turned away without a second glance. Who would even consider taking his side over Lup's? After what he's done? No way.]
I... I'm sorry t'come here like this. I tried callin', but... [No getting through. Well deserved.] Lup, I... I wanna talk. Y-You don't have t'say anything, y'don't owe me a word, but... I-I really need t'say some things.
If you'll let me.
no subject
Besides, Taako had just been so grateful to have her back at all after the whole mess with Kravitz. Lup couldn't snatch that victory away from him.
It may be impossible to see with the way she's backlit, a bright silhouette against the inky black nighttime of this planet, but the corner of Lup's mouth twitches downwards at the mention of her avoiding his calls. But what would he even have to add to what's already been said? Hadn't he said more than enough already? Barry isn’t the kind of guy to want to hurt anyone, so what else even is there?
She's cold, harder than he's seen her in a long time, but Lup isn't cruel.
She tips her head back and forth, like she’s taking her time considering her options, before the elf finally sighs.]
Alright. So talk.
no subject
That's Barry for you, of course. Always considering the worst-case scenario.
He manages to wait for her consent before speaking, although the whole time, he's nervously tapping his feet and wringing his hands, picking at an old callus on his finger, like the repetitive scrape of his nail against skin helps keep him grounded when he feels like the world is giving out underneath him. She's well within her right to send him away. To wave him off. To close the window and ignore him. What could he even do about that? Keep harassing her? Through the pit in his stomach, he hopes she'll give him an opportunity to explain himself. To get what he needs off his chest.
Thankfully, she does.]
O-Okay. I... [God, he'd had this whole spiel rehearsed and ready to go in his head, and now that he's standing here, looking up at her sharp silhouette, he's drawing a complete blank. Just. Speak from the heart. Isn't that a Barry Bluejeans specialty?]
I-- I gotta start sayin' that I-I'm sorry. Lup, I'm so sorry. I fucked up. [Understatement of the century. He gestures helplessly.] I know better than anyone what a shitty excuse it is, y'know... "th'liches made me do it", but-- but I dunno how else t'explain it. What I said that day, wh-what I felt? That wasn't me. I-It was, no, it was me, b-but that's not how I felt the day before, and that's not how I feel now.
Lup, you're... Y-You're th'most amazing person I've ever known. You're th'most important thing in my life, a-and you have been for decades. Losing you? It's-- Lup, it's killin' me. Losing you is th'most frightening feeling I've ever had, l-losing how I feel about you, I-- I felt like I'd lost th'most important part of me. Somethin' I can't live without. Somethin' that changed me into someone I-I don't even recognize.
[He draws his breath - he's panting softly, a lot of that just tumbled out of him without pause - his hands knitting into tight fists at his side.] When I said those things, I meant them. And that kills me. 'Cause thinkin' of goin' even one day without loving you is just... Lup, it's indescribable. I dunno who that man was. B-But the way he felt - the way I felt - that's not what I feel now.
I... I love you, Lup. I was wrong. I... I'm so sorry.
no subject
Even if she's perched upstairs inside of the building, the soft musical beat drifting out of the window from behind her, it's clear that Barry has Lup's full attention from the very moment he begins to speak, her stance all casual but her ears perked up high. And boy, does he have a lot to say.
It's something that Lup briefly considered after she came to. What if Barry had just been under the influence of the gods of this place when he spoke to her? It hadn't exactly made sense in the moment - Lup lost her body, Taako lost his magic, and Angus his voice, so what exactly could they have taken from Barry to make those words fall from his mouth? She'd dismissed it, chiding herself for being too hopeful, too in love, to see that it was done and over. But now there he is, standing outside of her window, proclaiming that he still loves her.
That he never stopped. That none of it was real. That it was just the gods of this place fucking them over yet again.
The elf's hands shake from where she's leaning out the window, her throat suddenly going dry. She feels lightheaded. She feels sick. Lup doesn't know whether she wants to cry or scream or just blow something up.]
You - [She pauses like she's tongue-tied, both of her ears dropping down so low they almost brush her bare shoulders.] I just -
[None of this is easy. Lup lifts her head, opens her mouth like she's about to say something, and then abruptly turns from the window and disappears inside.
...But within the minute, she's already slipping out the front door and winding around the building back to where she'd left Barry. Her steps don't halt until she sees him, but then she freezes, still some feet away, but at least closer to his eye level. At her side, the woman's hands are curled into fists, an attempt to hide their tremble.]
Look me in the eyes and tell me it was the liches.
no subject
Watching her turn on her heel and storm back inside, leaving him standing there, staring in vain at the window hoping she'll return, makes his gut twist painfully to the point where he worries he might be sick. It feels like a rejection. Like Lup throwing away his excuses, his apologies, dismissing them completely without acknowledgment or explanation. It's just over. She disappears into the house and leaves him standing there, spiraling, picking at his calluses.
It wasn't good enough. He should've done more, he should've done better, sooner, he should've fought against the oppressive force of the liches breaking into his mind and stirring his feelings around without his knowledge or consent. He should've realized. He should've kept his big fat mouth shut until it blew over, he should've known it was fake and just stuck with her, none of this would've happened if he wasn't so stupid, if he wasn't such a coward, if he'd just been smart enough, she wouldn't have--
And then she's there. Lup steps around the corner, stopping at a distance, staring at him with those eyes he can't get out of his head. She stands there, tight and frozen, and Barry feels like his lungs are giving out. He can't breathe. She's really there.]
It was the liches.
[He doesn't hesitate. Not for a second. Where Lup is hiding her trembling hands, Barry is visibly shaking all over, looking pale and frightened but somehow hopeful through it all. Unable to stop himself, too caught up in the moment and the hope blossoming in his chest, Barry approaches her, steps into the light with her so she can see, so she can really see. If it takes laying himself bare before her, that's what he'll do.]
Lup, i-it was the liches. I-- I didn't realize until it was over, b-but I woke up a week later and I just knew. Everything came back, Lup. E-Everything, all of it. I love you. [He's crying.] I love you s-so much. I-- I can't believe I ever thought I didn't.
no subject
Even after all that they've been through the last few months - the hurt, the heartbreak, the scars they've made upon each other - Barry still manages to look at Lup like that. Like she's the most important person in the world. Like he'd do absolutely anything to get to spend his life with her.
Like he loves her.
Lup used to think that wearing your heart on your sleeve like that made a person weak. Made them foolish and easier to wound. But a lifetime with Barry has shown the woman just how courageous that kind of act can be. How opening yourself up, laying all of your feelings out, that takes the kind of bravery she's still learning to navigate. She's better than she was a hundred years earlier, but compared to the man standing in front of her, Lup still has a long way to go. Whatever he thinks of himself, however cowardly he feels for not being able to resist the thrall of the god's, Barry's never been braver than facing Lup down like this, meeting her cold stare with hope.
There's no hesitation in his answer and there's no pause on Lup's end either. With tears running down his face, Barry proclaims it was the gods, saying how much he loves his wife, and Lup quickly steps forward to close the remaining distance between them and punches the man hard in the shoulder.
She whips away from him after that, both hands curled into tight fists as Lup cries out her frustration, fury swiftly bubbling beneath every inch of her dark skin, fiery and hot and just burning right through her. Now there's no hiding the tremble in her lanky frame, even with her back facing him, as Lup tries, and fails, to keep her emotions under control. She's furious, steaming and just failing to find a place to put that all of that explosive anger, but there's also tears pricking at her eyes, threatening to spill over all the same.
The elf huffs and stomps one of her feet, unable to find another immediate outlet for her hurt.]
Those fuckin'.... I swear I'm gonna kill them all. Every last one.
no subject
[That hurt. Lup is strong, no surprise, made no less strong by her fury and hurt as he realizes the gods of this place have played with their minds yet again. Barry doesn't flinch away, however. Part of him feels he deserves it, that hard punch to the shoulder and so much more for what he's done to her. For what he made her into that fateful week. For what she did as a consequence of his confession.
Another part of him knows that she needs this. Lup has always had a hard time expressing her feelings when they become overwhelming. They stir like a young storm inside her until they burst from her, explosive and forceful, a flurry of rage and fire and tears she refuses to let spill. It's a battle for control every time, one she fights with herself.
She's gotten better, of course. It was only the one punch this time. But Barry can still see the trembling line of her shoulders and he knows she's struggling.
Cupping his shoulder - yeah, that's definitely going to bruise - he takes a careful step towards her. Still crying, sniffling softly, but refusing to give up. She's mad at the liches. Because... Because she still loves him.
He hopes. He has nothing but hope now.]
W-Wanna... Wanna g-go blow somethin' up? [He wipes his cheek with the back of his hand, his breath hitching.] We c-could, uh... could probably find some monsters around here. A-At the beach, or...
no subject
Her fists clench and shake at her side, nails biting into the skin of her palms, every breath a struggle for control. Lup hears Barry step closer, feels his presence right at her trembling back, and though he doesn't reach for her, he tries to offer the most calming solution he can think of, to help Lup gain some of her slipping control back. It's surprisingly sweet, a reminder that even if they've spent the last four months more apart than together that Barry still knows her, still can tell when she's in too deep to pull herself up. She's better than she used to be, sure, but since spending a dozen years alone, it's easier than ever for the woman to lose herself, to convince herself that she isn't real.
But Barry's there, just a touch away, keeping her grounded even if all she wants to do is explode.]
M-maybe...
[For once, the elf doesn't have a clue as to what she wants. Taking her aggression out on some unsuspecting monsters sounds good, but so does dragging Barry to the ground and draping herself over him, just to feel his solid frame beneath hers. Or she could just tug the man inside and never let him leave again. After all of this, even the thought of having to watch him leave again makes something clench so painfully inside her chest. She’s not sure she can stand it.
It’s a few more calming breaths before Lup turns to face Barry again, a few stray tears sliding down her cheek, but anger not quite as uncontrollable.]
You broke up with me, you ass.
no subject
There are only so many liches in Hadriel.
Lup turns to face him, and even though she's crying, still furious and hurt and battling her emotions, the sight of her still takes his breath away. Even though hearing the words "you broke up with me" pass her lips makes Barry cringe. A whole-body affair, all of him just sort of shrinking in on itself.]
I... I know. I did.
[Having to admit it sucks even harder. Liches or not, that was still completely on Barry.]
I b... broke up with you. [Gods above.] I guess... th-this is me comin' over to... ask for you back. If... [He sniffles, gaze on the ground, shame written all over his body.] If you'll have me.
no subject
For Lup, it's not her own words that leave her cringing, heart aching in her chest. It's Barry's.
Even if he'd been the one breaking up with her weeks before, casually throwing out "It's not you, it's me.", hearing him actually admit to the breaking up while he's back in his right mind is... It's something. Something almost indescribable. The elf has always experienced her emotions so vividly, from happiness to hurt to unbridled fury. While her brother's more composed in the face of his feelings, always so fully in control of every movement he makes, she's always felt everything to the full extent, hiding nothing in the way her face twists to reflect how she feels, ears drooping down or flicking back, her whole body shifting to how she feels.
But even though this feels painful, even though it should rip right through her, it just leaves her with the dullest ache in her chest.
She's just so fucking sick of them being apart.]
Don't be a dip, Bluejeans. [She sucks in a shuddering breath, willing herself calm.] If it wasn't you, then it wasn't you. But fuck, Barry. You can't just keep disappearing on me. I can't fucking handle it again.
no subject
Barry crumbles in on himself further, body hunched over in shame, a pathetic display. He's always done this, when he was afraid. Retreating, hiding, made himself small and unreachable until the danger was over, until he was once again on stable ground. Being a coward has gotten him far in the past, has ensured he got where he wanted relatively unscathed where others failed, burning up in their hubris. It hasn't been a tactic that has netted him friends, exactly, but it got him where he wanted.
Until he met Lup.
Being with the Starblaster crew changed him in so many ways, both good and bad, but it was Lup who redeemed him. It was Lup who made him want to push past his limits, it was Lup who made him brave.
Being without Lup has made him regress to that lowly, cowardly person who hid away from his problems. He can't stay that person if he's serious about wanting to be with her.
He has to be brave.]
I know. I'm sorry. I won't-- Lup, I know they're j-just words, and I know I haven't made myself real trustworthy lately, b-but I won't do that again. Ever.
[He takes a few steps forward, pushing past his fears and the tears making his eyes burn.] I won't disappear again. If-- If y'want me back, I'll come back. I won't leave again.
no subject
They are just words, the same apologies he'd sobbed out after their last fight, after he went running and hid. Barry knows better than anyone how Lup works, how difficult it can be for her to reach in and face some of those deeper, more frightening emotions. How impossible it had been in the beginning for her to even open up to speak with him on that kind of level. Barry must know how significant it is for her to even be standing here and talking to him after getting her heart broken. That she hasn't just walled him off completely to keep herself safe.
- But it's the same for her too. Lup's known Barry for over a century now. Even if being with her has helped to strengthen him, to give him a reason to be brave, she knows how easy it can be for him to hide too. It's a difficulty they are both still overcoming, made better by each other. And maybe that's why she isn't nearly as mad and unforgiving as she could have been. Because Barry's spent the last dozen years being brave, fighting for her, for their whole family, all alone without anyone there to have his back.
It may have come at the worst time possible, but hasn't Barry earn a little rest after all of that? Just this one moment of cowardice?
Lup squares her shoulders when he steps forward, finding his courage now when he needs it the most.]
I mean it, Barry. [The elf's tone isn't exactly cold, but it's firm and unforgiving, even through her tears. Lup means exactly what she says.]
If they come and play games with us again, you can't just fuck off. You can't. I don't care what they do. If you leave again, we're fuckin' done. I'm not going through this shit for a third time.
[It's harsh, but he needs to hear it. They're supposed to be equals, supposed to be on each other's sides. She can't depend on him if he keeps skittering away, and now more than ever, Lup needs Barry to believe in them as much as she does.
It doesn't soften her words, but now that she's put the most important piece out, even if she's still furious and crying and looking like she wants to just wants to let loose on some monsters, Lup reaches forward and tucks her hand into his. It's not a very big gesture, but it means so much more than she could put into words.]