hadriel_logs | Nothing's really changed has it? (closed)

Entry tags:

Nothing's really changed has it? (closed)

Who: Seel and Swift har Parasiel
What: Dinner and and chatting about [Name]/Tranquility/Hadriel Politics
Where: Spire One, 201
When: 7/16
Warnings: discussion of rape, child abuse and trauma. Talk of sex.

He was rather proud to say they had this food thing down for two hara who never really cooked in their lives. Sure they weren't making anything that would rival Yarrow's food but at least they weren't going to starve to death. Seel could at least chop, if he was in a mood, he could chop well. He finished handing the last of the ingredients to Swift and pulled a prized bottle of sheh from where it was chilling. He poured two glasses and put the bottle back to chill, and make it last. Sheh was just about the most valuable commodity they had as far as he was concerned, and limited. He thought vaguely about asking Tranquility what he wanted for another bottle but.

Fuck that.

"You know I honestly prefer Thiede to Tranquility? Can you believe they really don't know anything?" Seel was paranoid. Maybe it was years of working for Thiede, knowing he was so many steps ahead there wasn't a number for it and it was worthless to try to keep up. Maybe Seel just didn't like Tranquility.

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"No." Swift couldn't resist pulling a face just thinking about that conversation he'd had with Tranquility. He hadn't exactly seemed like he wanted to be convinced, but then what had Swift really been expecting? He was never anything but frustrated with those damn "gods." And the things he'd learned just from that one conversation were not at all pleasant.

"I don't believe they ever know nothing. They certainly always know more than they ever let on." And they were damn stubborn, to boot. Did that sound at all familiar? At least Thiede didn't pretend not to know what was going on when he had his hands in the middle of everything.

"I suppose all we have to do now is wait and see what their decision is. We've all said what we can say already."

Seel offered Swift the cup. They both needed it. He took a sip of his, relishing in the small taste of home. " At least Thiede knew how to play. This is just...." Seel threw up his hands, and then put them to good use and grabbed bowls for Swift to put the almost finished food in.

"Here," he handed them to him. "Your conversation was probably more helpful than mine. I was a little frustrated. What do you think the point of this was? For us to convince them, or them to convince us?"

If Thiede had pulled a little stunt like this--no wait, Thiede would never have pulled something like that. And he'd never ask someone elses opinion like that. It just wasn't done. He would have gone about it differently. Thiede's mechanicians were more subtle.

Swift probably shouldn't down the entire thing--they had a limited amount of sheh left and he was still not certain he even wanted to make a deal with anyone and even less sure after that conversation. How could he even trust anything any of them said. Asking for their opinions and then discounting them at every turn.

He managed to contain himself, at least, and take a small sip before he started putting the food into the bowls with a scowl on his face.

"Both, maybe. They didn't seem like they really wanted to be convinced, though."

Seel put his glass on the table first before coming back to grab a bowl and help Swift. Like Swift, he longed for the days when they could sit back and down sheh without worrying they were going to run out. There hadn't exactly been a need to ration it. Now it was as prized as the dye he used for his hair.

"Well I can't say it went well for either of us then. There's nothing more for us to do but wait. Do you trust that thing, Swift? The Null."

Swift always had....nicer instincts than Seel did.

"Of course not. But there's no point in sitting around doing nothing, either, just because it's the one that said it. We have no way of knowing whether or not it's telling the truth without following up on what it says." They didn't have to trust it, but they needed information and it was the one that had it.

At least Seel was helping without a fuss and he could call that a victory--or else he'd just finally gotten used to the idea that as long as they were here there would be no servants.

"That's the part they don't seem to understand. That we don't have to trust it to follow up."

Seel was helping. Mostly because he didn't have a choice and there were no servants here and he certainly wasn't going to make Swift do all the work. He was adult enough to realize that wasn't fair.

"They have nothing to gain from us getting that information. It directly influences their hold on us and their ability to both control us and keep us captive. I'm not sure it's entirely about their lack of understanding as it is an agenda. Or perhaps it's both."

"He said about as much." Or didn't say it, Swift was just smart enough to put the pieces together. Maybe they just weren't counting on their captives being intelligent enough to question. Maybe they already had their minds made up and they just wanted to present an illusion of choice to keep them all satiated and pliable.

"They'll get the information from us, I assume. It's not exactly a risk for the if they're sending the cannon fodder."

Seel scowled, hating that he couldn't do anything about this and that no matter what the gods were probably going to get their way. Angrily, he helped himself to some of the food, and took a sip of the sheh.

"Just once I wish they knew what it was like from our point of view."

He reached across the table to offer Swift his hand. "You know, I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing you cooking."

If only it were that easy. They just didn't understand and they didn't care enough to try. As far as those gods were concerned, the people here were just food. Inconveniences sometimes. But nothing to be concerned about. He gave a wry smile at that comment, and opted not to comment. They would never be able to convince them.

He didn't hesitate taking Seel's hand, softening his smile and holding back a laugh. "And I never thought I'd see you doing dishes. I suppose we're both doing things we're not used to."

Things were never that easy. If they were, it might have gone a lot better for humanity. It wouldn't stop hoping, but it was for something that couldn't be. He laughed softly and shook his head at Swift, expression turning mockingly sour.

"Don't breathe a word of it to anyone. I doubt they'd believe it anyway." He squeezed his chesnari's hand. "I want to go home Swift. I want to talk to Pell, our Pell, and hold Azriel and see Cobweb and Bryony. I miss our home." Even if it was kind of a wrecking ball right now.

"Your secret is safe with me." Not that there was anyhar to tell and everyone here probably knew it anyway, seeing as it was either that or live in the mess. Or starve. At least Seel was seeming a little more willing to learn now, anyway.

Swift held tightly to Seel's hand as he continued, took a deep breath, and gave a soft comforting smile to hide the tears he wanted to shed. Seel needed strength right now.

"I know. I know you do. I miss them too. I wish I could do anything to get us there."

No, no one here cared, it was obvious. Everyone did stuff they needed to in order to survive. People learned new skills. But Seel still believed he had a reputation to maintain, and as long as he kept that up, everything would be fine. At the very least it would make going home less of an adjustment. He squeezed Swift's hand, knowing the other har was just as pained as he was, even if he wasn't showing it.

"I know you would. There's nothing we can do about it. It's so damn frustrating."

It was shocking, sometimes, how well they could just not think of the tragedies they'd left at home. At least, Swift tried not to think of them. He'd end up in a useless sobbing mess if he did and they had enough to worry about without Swift falling apart too.

"I know. I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do to help, either. I hate feeling so...superfluous."

Seel had spent so long trying to think about it and trying not to think about it and worrying that Cal wouldn't go back and Azriel and Aleeme wouldn't be saved that, he felt worn out by the entire thing. As if it wasn't bad enough by itself.

"It's not your fault. It just....is. I'd feel better if we had a plan. About what to even do when we get back. What are we going to do Swift? Rotate paintings so they have something to stare at?"

"I don't know, Seel. I really don't know." He bit back a sigh and closed his eyes, just imagining what the rest of their lives would entail. At least Azriel wasn't that much younger than Swift, and he would hopefully not need somehar else to care for him for too long after Swift had died.

"We'll figure it out. I'm just...not sure. About much of anything right now."

That wasn't what Seel wanted to hear at all. He'd been hoping Swift had some inkling of a plan, even a 'maybe Azriel prefers landscapes to portraits'. There was so much going through Seel's mind, possibilities that weren't possibilities. Like using the healing technique Cobweb used on Snake. Which......were not a possibility with what Azriel and Aleeme had gone through. At least not yet.

He pushed food around with his fork, suddenly not hungry, but forced himself to take a bite. "I don't want to go back without having learned anything. There has to be someone here who can help us. Who has some idea of what to do."

Swift could have lied--he probably should have lied--and said that yes, he had everything under control and it would all be alright Maybe Seel would have even believed it since he wanted so very badly to. Just to hear that they hadn't lost their child forever, and that Swift would take care of it might have been comforting, even if it wasn't even close to true. And Swift wasn't feeling confident enough to even try and hide that he was afraid too.

"I...talked to Maglor. It sort of...came out. But he didn't give me much either." All he'd said was to be there and that wasn't enough. "I just don't know who else to talk to."

"I'm not sure either. I don't exactly want to put it on the network either. We might get a good response but..." It was private. Then again, maybe that was the problem. It was private. You didn't get help when you kept things to yourself.

"I'm glad you talked to Maglor. We need to talk to someone Swift. It does no good to just...ignore it."

He took another few forced bites, and looked at the food Swift wasn't eating. "Eat your dinner." They had gone through all the trouble of making it after all.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to share that with the world yet." Or if he ever would be. Talking about it brought it all back, along with all of the guilt that he hadn't been able to protect them. All the should haves that he'd been trying not to blame himself for and still somehow couldn't help. He should have known better. He should have been there.

Then Seel was telling him to eat his dinner like he was Swift's hostling, and Swift lifted a few bites to his mouth, not really tasting them. He'd lost most of his appetite. "I'm sorry. I wish I had something better to tell you."

"Alright, maybe not the world. But...someone.." He wasn't sure exactly who, if Maglor hadn't helped. Curufin maybe? Seel had Cashmere but she hadn't exactly gotten along well with Swift. "Think about it. We need to make progress." And maybe it would help if Seel wasn't treating it like a report that needed to get done or a construction project.

As for eating, well, Seel was a hostling. He got up abruptly, and grabbed both their plates. The topic had put them both off. Maybe they'd be more hungry later. "Nevermind. Maybe we can eat it later."

Someone. Who exactly was there? There wasn't anyone else he could think of. Pell had vanished into whatever hole he stayed in now, Seel was hurt by this just as much as he was, if not even more, Maglor had nothing to say. Who else would even understand? He was at the end of his rope and had no one else he could think of to ask for help getting down.

"I'm sorry," he managed softly as Seel swept his plate away. What else was he supposed to say? he could tell Seel was getting angry and there was nothing he could do to stop it. It was probably his fault, too. And the evening had started out so nicely. Or as nice as it ever got.

Seel dealt with the plates. That was at least something he could do. He was tired of sitting here and playing house, making movements that might eventually lead their way home, but having nothing to show for it. And Swift was sorry.

This was all just great. He took a breath, getting angry and frustrated and it wasn't Swift's fault. Well. Except for the part that he didn't want to talk about it.

"We're going to have to do something eventually, Swift. Maybe we should just go to bed."

Swift took a deep breath, trying not to just burst out crying at everything. At feeling helpless, at Azriel and Aleeme's fate, at Seel getting angry...he didn't even know anymore. He was supposed to be the strong leader, staid stalwart Swift who never fell apart or broke down and always had a solution. He was in over his head this time.

"I know, Seel. I just don't know what yet." And he was afraid that he never would. Being here wasn't helping since he didn't have the problem right in front of him, either. He couldn't try anything to see if it helped. He couldn't hold Azriel and cry.

"Maybe we should. Maybe we'll feel better after some sleep." Probably not. But he could hope.

Seel was really trying not to get angry. This was just how Swift was processing things. It was different. Swift hadn't had the time that Seel had. He took a breath, and then another one, before moving over to Swift, not sure what he was going to do yet.

"I'm not sure how to make this better. I just hate this holding pattern we're stuck in." Which was these gods fault. But Seel was determined to at least make this worth while. He had a project. He needed a project.

"Do you want me to go somewhere else tonight?"

"No," he answered immediately, almost desperate, and he reached out a hand to grab Seel's wrist. He wasn't sure what he would do if Seel left now. He needed the contact, he just wasn't sure if Seel wanted to give it to him now. If only he could actually talk to Pell.

"I want to fix it, Seel, I just don't know how. I'm out of ideas. I'm trying--I truly am--but this is not something I was ever prepared to handle. I know you hate it. I hate it too. Just...please try not to be angry. I'm doing everything I know how to do."

Seel stayed where he was, Swift's hand grabbing at his wrist, clinging. He took a breath, staying his anger and looked Swift over.

"I know you do. I'm not saying come up with a plan yourself to fix it. I'm saying let's work on it together. " Seel looked Swift up and down with a critical eye. "Do you need aruna?" Seel certainly wasn't in the mood right now but it was a damn medical question. Swift didn't seem right.

"I don't know." Would that even help? It hadn't before. Right now it felt more like all that would do was underscore the rift between them that Swift wasn't quite capable of bridging yet. And wasn't sure if he ever would be, even if eventually he'd have to jump and hope that something was there to catch him.

He didn't release Seel's arm, afraid that he'd vanish the moment he let go.

"I don't know anything, Seel. I'm still trying to make sense of everything that's happened." And why he and Azriel and Aleeme deserved it. "Please, just...just give me time."

Seel sighed and took a step closer to Swift. He couldn't leave him like this. Swift needed something to remind him that there was still a world left, that there was still things unfinished and hope. He leaned down to pour what love he could into his chesnari, sharing breath, and hoping it was enough. He snaked an arm around his waist, hoping to show him that even if he was frustrated, he wasn't going anywhere. Unless Swift needed him too.

"Let's go to bed." He let the fingers of his free hand play with Swift's hair, tracing the soft skin around his neck and shoulders, touching.

Swift appreciated that--there was probably more that Seel was hiding, but he wasn't in a position and didn't have any desire to go looking. He needed the comfort that Seel was offering and seeing as it may have been more rare than not, he was going to take all of it he could get before Seel pitched another fit.

When he could finally breathe again he tried to answer and just ended up nodding and looking up at Seel for a moment before he could speak.

"Alright. If you're sure."

Seel pulled Swift up and wrapped him in his arms, doing his best to push his frustrations and wants aside and do this together, like they were supposed to. If Swift wasn't ready, he wasn't ready, Seel would find another way. But for now, he had to put Swift back together, like Swift had done for him.

"I'm sure." He smiled softly and smirked. "I'll even let you be soume. You look like you need it." He traced a cheek softly, and pulled him gently out of the dining room and into the bedroom. There was a time for a good roon on the kitchen table, but this was not one of them.

Swift couldn't resist a small smile, either. Seel would "let" him be soume. He didn't comment on that; it would only make Seel angry and Swift did not have the mental capacity to handle that right now. He was exhausted, tired of being responsible and strong. He could afford to take a breath away from that tonight. Right?

He followed Seel meekly into the bedroom without saying anything until the door was closed behind them--then he sat down on the bed and smiled up at his partner, still half-wondering whether this would even help.

"I appreciate that. You must be feeling generous tonight."

Yes best not to comment on the fact that their relationship was not exactly equal. Even here, Seel could not escape that. But he let himself forget every now and then. But Seel was sure that this was what Swift needed. Maybe he was right, maybe he wasn't. But Swift's exhaustion seemed to prove Seel's point. He needed something.

Seel sat down on the bed beside him, wishing he could peer inside Swift's head but not wanting to pry.

"Terribly." He smirked. "Swift......" Seel stopped what he was about to say, swallowing it up since it wouldn't help. Instead, he reached out to gently touch his arm, tracing the skin with his fingers.

Edited 2018-08-02 15:03 (UTC)

"Well I'm glad for that, at least." Seel was in a kinder mood than usual and that was always something to be grateful about. Even if it wasn't a fantastic day for either of them (was it ever really here?), but Seel was at least trying to be considerate. Maybe he really was improving. He hadn't even yelled in a while. He'd take the victories where he could get them.

He closed his eyes and sighed, letting Seel run his fingers over his arm and trying to enjoy the touch a little. "What is it?"

Seel shook his head, continuing to let his fingers trace the skin along Swift's arm, back and forth, back and forth.

"Nothing that can't wait."

He tried to enfold Swift in his arms, as Swift had done for him before. A thumb brushed his chin as Seel leaned forward to share breath. He gently pushed him down onto the bed. He was still surprised when it wasn't their bed in Forever, but it would do. For a moment, he stared at Swift as if truly seeing him, drinking him in. What on earth did he do to deserve such a marvelous creature?

"If you're sure..." He sort of doubted that, but he couldn't exactly force Seel to share either. Things were already going so well and he'd only ruin it by pressing the issue. Seel would share later if he felt it was important. Which probably meant Swift was never going to find out. Oh well.

He leaned back as Seel climbed on top of him, sharing breath softly, smiling up at Seel when he pulled back.

"I love you."

Swift as always tasted delicious, his soul somehow a perfect compliment to his own. Or maybe that was Thiede's work. But it never really mattered.

"I love you too."

And no, Seel was not planning on asking Swift, or telling him. It would do no good. He was determined not to push Swift away. Seel withdrew and started divesting his chesnari of his clothing. Seel was not planning on ravishing him clothed.

He always loved hearing that. It would probably never get old. It practically gave him shivers when Seel said it. He still couldn't believe that Seel stayed with him, sometimes.

If Seel was going to undress him, then he could at least return the favor, but he teased him with it too, going slowly, taking his time to caress the skin underneath the fabric.

He knew some hara back home would wonder if Seel was worth putting up with. Seel was happy every day when he woke up and Swift was still next to him. That despite the mistakes and anger and everything he knew he put Swift through, they still made it work.

Seel practically lost himself when Swift teased and touched, enjoying the closeness between them, skin to skin. Despite the fighting, making up was always nice. He traced Swift's skin, feeling his pulse and muscles twitch and move beneath the palm of his hands, leaning in as Swift caressed.

At least he still had some kind of n effect on Seel. Not that he really had all that much reason to doubt that, but it always amazed him, too. There had been any number of opportunities for Seel to just leave. Even if he didn't feel like he could--that Thiede had his hands around them--he could have gone through the motions.

He couldn't resist a soft smile seeing Seel starting to lose his mind, teasing him more and more, running fingers up and down his skin. Maybe that was a little cruel, but Seel would certainly thank him later.

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Nothing's really changed has it? (closed)

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