The Killing Game

[quaerit]

Who: The Raven crew: Gansey, Blue, Adam, Ronan and Noah
What: Blue targets Gansey during the Assassin event
Where: The Raven House.
When: During Rage's Assassin event
Warnings: Attempted murder, the full list of swear words known by Ronan Lynch, teenage angst.

[ As far as Gansey knows, it's an ordinary morning in their house. He's yet to venture outside, and hasn't seen any of his friends emerge from their rooms. Given that his own is the living room these days, and also given that he struggles to sleep most nights, he typically finds himself wandering around alone in the mornings. This isn't a place with a great prevalence of cereal boxes, and his beloved car is still at home, so his usual methods of distracting a wakeful mind are unavailable.

That's why, on this particular morning, his friends will arrive to discover Gansey has built some approximation of the Eiffel Tower out of a range of the house's cutlery. There may have been one or two minor crashes, when his efforts collapsed on him, but really, that should just make everyone glad that he didn't decide to use the plates. This is a lot harder than it looks. He's in the kitchen, minding his own business, and setting this monstrosity up on one of the counters. There's also some indeterminate can of something being warmed in the microwave; let no one say he never attempts to cook for his friends.

Oblivious to what's started to happen around the city, Gansey goes innocently about his model building, and waits for the first of them to wake up. ]

Comments

[casperdisaster]

It's true.

[Again, there's no hesitation, Noah's voice quiet. Blue's mom knows this, Blue has been raised being told this, a lie is kind of pointless.]

You ever see 'Clue', with Tim Curry? 'What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?' 'No, just death, isn't that enough?'. It's like that.

There are worse things. Being dead is plenty bad on its own, though. I was a ghost for a little bit. Couple months. I'd asked for it to be that way.

[Again, Adam, Ronan and Gansey already know. There's no point in trying to hide it from Blue. She'll find out sooner or later, and Noah figures she'll be less angry if she hears it from him.]

[ampliat]

Why? [ It comes out harsher than she means. She can't help herself.

So she takes a deep breath. Recenters herself. At least this is a rational reaction to that statement. Not like her irrational anger from before. This she can rein in without missing a beat. This is easy to reset.

With a softer voice: ]

Why did you ask that? [ Because while she immediately jumps to never wanting to see him dead again, she knows she's not lived like that. She doesn't know what can be going through his head.

So tell her, Noah. Help her know you. ]

[casperdisaster]

[There's a brief tension at the harsh demand - Blue is just the most recent in a long line of people to be upset with Noah's choice, but he's still learning how to deal with people being angry at him again when he can't just vanish to escape it.]

I didn't want it forever. Not to stay that way forever. [He clarifies that part quickly when she asks again, gentler.] I just...

I just needed a break.

[ampliat]

[ Is that really a break?

They reach the lake edge. She stops with him, watching the water. She wishes this place were more open. That there was more breeze coming off the lake. Instead all is quiet around them. The water gently laps at the edges of the lake, only amplifying the silence as she lets his answer settle between them.

Is being dead a 'break'? She doesn't know the answer to that. She can't know the answer to it. She's never died. Not in that other world. Not here. She's never been dead like he has.

So she asks a question she's never asked before: ]

What's it like? Being dead like that? [ She asks softly. Carefully. What does he go through? Who is he really?

She doesn't move from his side. ]

[casperdisaster]

[Noah spends the whole of the silence tense and worried - worried she'll be upset with him, that she'll pull away, that he'll have just made things worse somehow. When she finally asks him what it's like to be dead like that - it's a terrible subject but he could cry from relief that she doesn't sound angry or move away.]

Awful.

[That's the short and sweet of it, really. The one quietly spoken word.]

It's hard to explain, standing outside of it here. Everything is different and fading and - and I'm running out of time.

Being alive after being dead, though. It's not the same as being alive in the first place.

[ampliat]

[ No. She doesn't know how any of it feels. She doesn't understand any of it.

But she does realize something, then. He's damned if he's dead. And damned if he's alive. There's no real winning in any sense of it. Not for him. Even if she were to die here and come back, it'd never compare to what he's gone through.

She turns then. She wraps her arms around his waist and she hugs him tightly. ]

Thank you for telling me.

I'd miss you if you were ever gone. You know that right?

[casperdisaster]

[There is a certain comfort in everything only being able to get worse, after a fashion. It makes every moment the best one he’s got left. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.

Adam was right, about the relief that comes from feeling known. It’s such a selfish thing, Blue would be happier not understanding.

He wraps his arms around Blue when she hugs him, resting his cheek against her hair. He’ll let her go a soon as she tries to pull away, but until then he’ll savor the warmth, the closeness, the feeling he won’t ever get again once they return home. If he just holds it close enough to his heart he’ll be able to take it with him, maybe. A candle to keep the light in the darker days to come.]

I know, [The words are softly spoken, leave out that it’s good to hear anyway.] When it’s time, though… you have to let me go.

[ampliat]

[ His arms around her are little comfort. They're more comfort than she wants to give them credit. Warmth and touch and everything whole in this world about him. But it's just this world. It's just this time.

And his words ring too true.

So she holds onto the little reality that she has. She clings to him, pressing her face against his chest as he speaks so softly. ]

I know. [ She answers just as softly.

Then she clears her eyes. Sighs. ] But I don't have to let go yet.

[casperdisaster]

[Noah smiles a little at that, agreeing,]

Not just yet, no.

[They have some time left. A little bit whenever they return back home, and whatever extra being here gives them. Even when he was dead here, he didn’t feel like he was actively decaying the way he was back home. There was no bringing back what he lost, but it wasn’t a struggle to just keep hold of what he still had every day.

He’s also selfishly pleased that she’d miss him. That she will miss him, even if he thinks they’d be better off forgetting him entirely. If they forgot Noah, they’d have no reason to be sad for the loss of him.]

Too bad the water here isn’t any good for swimming. A real beach would be great with the bar.

[All those are problems he can’t fix, though, and he came out here to try and cheer Blue up.]