hadriel_logs | The Killing Game

Entry tags:

The Killing Game

Who: The Raven crew: Gansey, Blue, Adam, Ronan and Noah
What: Blue targets Gansey during the Assassin event
Where: The Raven House.
When: During Rage's Assassin event
Warnings: Attempted murder, the full list of swear words known by Ronan Lynch, teenage angst.

[ As far as Gansey knows, it's an ordinary morning in their house. He's yet to venture outside, and hasn't seen any of his friends emerge from their rooms. Given that his own is the living room these days, and also given that he struggles to sleep most nights, he typically finds himself wandering around alone in the mornings. This isn't a place with a great prevalence of cereal boxes, and his beloved car is still at home, so his usual methods of distracting a wakeful mind are unavailable.

That's why, on this particular morning, his friends will arrive to discover Gansey has built some approximation of the Eiffel Tower out of a range of the house's cutlery. There may have been one or two minor crashes, when his efforts collapsed on him, but really, that should just make everyone glad that he didn't decide to use the plates. This is a lot harder than it looks. He's in the kitchen, minding his own business, and setting this monstrosity up on one of the counters. There's also some indeterminate can of something being warmed in the microwave; let no one say he never attempts to cook for his friends.

Oblivious to what's started to happen around the city, Gansey goes innocently about his model building, and waits for the first of them to wake up. ]

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[ Yes, well. That went down about as well as he’d thought.

Gansey cannot look at Adam right now and tell him he’s wrong to be worried. He’d been shot, for Christ’s sake. He knows exactly how dangerous it is outside. But for him, it’s safe inside. No one is trying to kill him here. The biggest danger to Gansey is locked in a room upstairs, and it’s…

Christ, it’s Blue. If he lets himself think about this it will break his heart, but he doesn’t know how not to. He keeps thinking of everything she said. He keeps thinking of the way her eyes had looked, and no amount of insisting to himself that it isn’t real will take that image away. It had felt real. It’s real for her now.

Gansey’s hand seeks a mint leaf and comes up empty, and he sighs. That habit is hard to break. ]

Is it fair to put you and Ronan in the middle of that? I don’t think you’d do that to me.

[ He’d not want either of them to leave, either, though. He knows that. ]

Of all the things I’ve thought could kill me, Adam, it’s never been this. It could have been anyone in this whole city. And they pick her.

[He doesn't want to say the first thing he thinks - which is that Adam, at least, has thought that Blue could kill him. But not like this, never like this. Their feelings for each other, her curse - that could do it. But Blue hating him? That isn't something Adam has ever considered, has ever thought possible.

It's not entirely impossible for Adam to imagine out Gansey might feel. He's had experience being hated - or at least not cared for - by people who should love him. But it's not the same, not really, and the knowledge that her hatred isn't real must make it both easier and more painful at the same time. He doesn't know what to say. Adam isn't the best at things like this - putting emotions into words, finding the right thing to say at the right time.

All he can do is try to help, and more than that, try to keep Gansey safe.]

You're not putting us in the middle, we're choosing to be there. We're your friends, Gansey, and Blue's too. We just want you both safe, and it's not safe out there.

[It might not be safe in here, either, but at least he and Ronan are around to run interference. If Gansey goes out, goes somewhere else - how will they be able to protect him?]

I don't know why it's her, but - she'll go back to herself. We just have to wait it out.

[ Gansey thinks, with no small amount of self-pity, that it isn't safe in here, either. Not for him. Not for any of them, maybe, if Blue tries to hurt him again and they get in her way. What's happening is not her fault, but that means they can't predict her. And...

While the aggression isn't real, Gansey doesn't know how much of what she said might be. She'd said terrible things, but from a certain point of view, all of them had been true. What if that really is what she thinks, but her usual feelings for him overpower it all?

And what if that's true, on some level, for all of them? Now that it's been said, it can't be unsaid. ]

She thinks I'm going to get you killed. [ He looks up at Adam. ] Or that my quest is. Christ, you shouldn't have to protect me from her. You're already hurt. It's already gone too far, and I don't know how to fix any of this.

She's not wrong about the danger you've put yourselves in for me.

[Adam's brow furrows, and when he speaks his voice is firm.]

Yes she is. Everything we've done has been our choice, not yours. If anything, you're usually overly cautious.

[Adam went to Cabeswater on his own, after all, against Gansey's wishes. He's pretty good at putting himself in danger, he doesn't need Gansey's help for that, and he certainly has never blamed him for it. He knows that this is not the way Gansey normally thinks - that he's been affected by what Blue said, what happened between them. Adam isn't going to coddle him, though. He's blunt, straightforward.]

It's our quest, Gansey, not only yours. We make our own choices. You can't take responsibility for that without also taking our own agency away, and you know there's no way I'd ever let you do that.

[He softens, a little, looking at Gansey. None of this should have happened, and Adam has never been the best at providing comfort.]

There's nothing to fix. She's being affected by this place, she was trying to hurt you. None of it was true.

[ Gansey listens to Adam. They've had this argument before, he thinks, or something like this argument. It's all of their quest, not just his. They make their own choices. Certainly Adam has; Gansey's choices would never have involved anyone sacrificing themselves to the ley line. He would have protected them all from that, but that call hadn't been his.

The problem is, though, that Adam never would have had the choice before him if he hadn't joined Gansey's quest. None of them would. He was the one who'd brought his search to Henrietta, and although it had been all of their choices to come with him, it didn't change the fact that he'd brought it to their door.

They would all of them be safer if they had never known him.

Thinking that way isn't good, isn't helpful. It's self-pitying, and Gansey doesn't want to do that. Particularly not aloud. He also doesn't want to fight with Adam. He in fact never wants to fight with Adam, but it would be particularly bad now, when he's already so far from Blue. ]

She thinks it's true. Jesus, Adam, she hates me. There is no possible way I can make that better by being here, whether it's this place or not. It's also me.

She's not exhibiting unprovoked rage at you or Ronan, is she?

Not so far. As far as I can tell, if people are affected at all it's limited to one person.

[Which is great, if you never see that one person, or if they're someone you can easily avoid. Less so if you live with them. But Adam is thankful, at least, that Blue hasn't been interested in hurting or attacking the rest of them. It means she retains most of herself, which at the moment feels like the most they can ask for. Even if everything is dangerous and Gansey is taking it badly.

Although, really, would it be possible to not take it badly? He has no doubt Gansey would be nearly as hurt if it were any of the rest of them.]

She thinks it's true right now, but she'll know better when she's back to herself. If she drives you out of the house and into danger, she'll feel even worse. You can't make things better here, no, but how will leaving make them better? You're just trading a known danger for an unknown one, and we won't be able to protect you.

[To Adam, that's the most important thing. He isn't going to let Gansey die again. Blue is affected, she's angry and hateful, but she's trying to fight it, and they can keep him safe. That's all Adam can do.]

[ Gansey knows that all of that is true. Of course there would be danger. It’s an unknown quantity, leaving this house. ]

It’s not me that I’m worried about!

[ All he can see is her face, looking at him like she wanted to kill him. ]

When this is done, and she’s herself again, she’ll hate all of this. I would, if we were switched. You know she can’t stay locked up all the time. She shouldn’t have to, either. Jesus, I just –

I want to do what’s best. I think I should put distance between us, I think that’s the fairest thing I could do.

[ For everyone, he thinks. He looks away. ]

Ronan had to stop her. Now if the two of you are between us…

You two are fighting off your friend because of me, Adam.

But it's you that I'm worried about.

[He's blunt, firm. It isn't that he's not worried about Blue - it's that his worry for Blue will be more important after this is all over. When she's regretting everything that happened, feeling terrible, blaming herself. Then, Adam might be able to help, or at least he'll be more concerned about her than Gansey. But right now, Gansey is the one in danger, Gansey is the one tearing himself to pieces over this. Gansey is the one who seems dead set on leaving, on putting himself into different, unknown danger.]

We're not fighting her because of you, we're doing it because of this place - because of the gods, probably. Put the blame where it belongs.

[He doesn't know what he can say to change Gansey's mind, not when Gansey seems so intent on this. But he has to try.]

It won't last forever. Where would you go? You can't stay alone, it's too dangerous. You can't just wander the city, that's even worse, and frankly there aren't many people here that I trust.

[Not with Gansey's safety, anyway.]

You haven't thought this through.

I don’t blame her.

[ Gansey has to be clear about that. He doesn’t blame Blue, and doesn’t want anyone else to blame her, either. She hadn’t been herself. Anger is like a disease in this city at the moment, and it’s not her fault that she caught it. He is the catalyst, though. It only makes sense to him that he stay away from her, as if in so doing she would come back to herself.

He doesn’t even know if it works like that, though. ]

I can’t think, Adam. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know what to do.

[ Leaving would be doing something. At least Blue wouldn’t have to be locked up. At least he wouldn’t have to face her locked door, knowing what was behind it.

The need to get a grip on all of this is strong with Gansey. He doesn’t even like Adam seeing him like this. He wants to be in control of it, and he’s never been less in control. ]

No, but you're blaming yourself.

[Which is just as bad - just as useless, and it's just as little his fault as it is hers. Her anger might be focus on Gansey, but he's not the cause of it, not really. Adam doesn't want him beating himself up over this anymore than he wants Blue to be blamed for it. It's neither of their faults.]

You can't fix this. None of us can. We just have to outlast it, do our best to survive. And we have to make sure we don't let it break us apart.

[He leans toward Gansey, intent, serious.]

If what they want is fear, or even anger, then letting this split us up will only encourage them. We have to be better than that. Let us handle this, Gansey. Have faith that we can keep either of you from getting hurt.

[ Gansey looks at him. Intellectually, he knows that Adam is right. Letting the gods' plan work will just be giving in to what they want, and Gansey is absolutely opposed to giving in to what hurts him.

His mind travels, unsurprisingly, to Glendower, and to the battles he'd faced. He had never run away from any kind of threat, not even the ones that came close to home. He wouldn't run from this, either.

He would trust his knights. His magicians.

Gansey nods. ]

All right. I won't leave.

It's not going to break me, Adam. I just want my Blue back. And I don't know how to reach her.

[ Maybe the simplest fact is that he can't, not like this. He'll have to wait rather than act, and sometimes, that's the hardest thing of all. ]

[Some tight tension releases from Adam's shoulder when Gansey finally agrees to stay. It's not an ideal situation, but at least it's better than the alternative - at least it's better than Gansey going off on his own. Adam is prepared to keep watch over the both of them, keep them apart, make sure neither of them comes out of this injured or drowning in regret

He can't guarantee anything, but he thinks that if anyone can manage that, it would be him and Ronan.]

Thank you.

[He's aware that asking Gansey to stay might end up being more for his peace of mind than anything - maybe there isn't anyone or anything out there that would be a danger to him right now. But they have no way of knowing that, and it's always going to be better to be safe than sorry.]

I know. We'll wait it out, and she'll be back to herself before you know it. She already knows something is wrong. Just - leave her be for now. There's nothing you can do.

[ Gansey doesn't argue with that. It's in his nature to want to fix things that go wrong. When he's fighting with his friends, all he ever wants is to not be fighting for them, and to do whatever it takes to make things go back to normal.

This isn't that simple. The very sight of him is likely to trigger Blue's rage again. The only way he'd been able to imagine fixing this for the rest of them had been to take himself out of the equation. If that's not workable here, then the best he can do is keep himself out of the way.

He looks at Adam, and thinks of how much he misses just talking to her at night. How he can't sleep now, because he'd needed to talk to her to sleep before. Those words crystallize in Gansey's throat. ]

I know that. I really do, I'm -

Not trying to make this worse. I'll just stay here.

[ From Gansey, this tone is the sound of defeat. He leans back, his neck pillowed against the edge of the couch. He'll wait it out. There's nothing else for it. ]

[He knows that Gansey's not at all happy with this. He can see the defeat in his posture, hear it in his voice. He knows Gansey wanted to be able to do something to fix this, and that was the only thing really possible. But even so, Adam can't make himself feel very guilty. He'll take Gansey's life and safety over nearly anything. His heart will recover. Adam is all right with being the jerk right now, if it means Gansey will stay safe with them.

He reaches out, careful, and puts a hand on Gansey's shoulder. Adam isn't really one for physical affection, but he's gotten better about it over time. He tries to reach out when he thinks it might help, even if sometimes he's not sure.]

It'll be over soon, and you'll both be apologizing to each other for absolutely nothing.

[He's not actually very good at being comforting, and he knows that, but he tries.]

Just let us keep you safe. And if there's anything else - I know this isn't easy.

[ Gansey leans back, a good deal of the tension going out of his shoulders. It's not relaxation so much as it's the mark of defeat, the result of his promise to stay. He softens, though, under Adam's hand, and turns his eyes to him. ]

It's not. But I trust you, and Ronan. I just wish there was more I could do.

I trust you to be right, too.

[ That would be true at any time. There had been a time when Gansey's decisions had only ever been led by his own reasoning. More and more, these days, they're led by Adam's. That's as true here as ever, even though it's hard. ]

[It's a little intimidating, hearing that, because Adam often doesn't trust himself to be right. But even so, it means something - means a lot - that Gansey does trust him, that he's listening to Adam at least for the moment.

And it means that Adam isn't going to spend the next few days tense and worried that something will happen to Gansey out in the city alone.]

Thank you.

[He pauses, thinks about leaving it at that, but - ]

You know you already do a lot, right?

[ Gansey looks up at him again. This time, despite everything that’s going on, there’s a slight smile. ]

This is coming from you?

Anyway, right now it feels like I’m doing nothing. I’m not very good at sitting still.

I mean it. Don't beat yourself up over things you can't change

[He smiles, just a little, mirroring Gansey's.]

But hey, I can fix that. Why don't you go wash the dishes?

[Don't worry, Adam is an expert at finding ways to keep himself busy. He'll share the tips and tricks of a workaholic, because he's a good friend.]

Okay. I suppose that's better than sitting in here.

[ It might take his mind off things for a while, which he supposes is Adam's point. He nods, and stands up. ]

Thanks, Adam.

[He wants to demur, turn down that thanks, because in the end isn't it mostly selfishness that makes him ask Gansey to stay? But he doesn't.]

Just... come talk if you need to.

[He can't fix any of this, but he can listen. He stands to, presses a hand to Gansey's shoulder in acknowledgment for a brief moment, then heads back to his room.]

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The Killing Game

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