hadriel_logs | [ semi-closed ] (650): Come home... I'm drinking and playing with knives.

[ After eight nights of basically zero sleep, Wash was crawling in his fucking skin, twitchy and irritable. The rest of his group was side-eyeing, enough that Harlan approached him on the evening of day nine and offered him weed, which... probably a bad idea, Wash told him. He hadn't reacted great when he tried it with Julie, and with that in mind had already been turning down Faith's bliss all week. He hates anything that alters him, as a general rule. Buuuuuuut he really couldn't afford to be even more sleep deprived so at that point he'd have taken a sleeping pill and just dealt with whatever dreams haunted him. Buuuuuut he hadn't recognized anything in the clinic and none of them had a stash. Then Harlan had offered something else, that he'd actually trusted more -- a spell he described as magic xanax, and. Yeah. Sure. Why not?

It was an awesome spell, actually. Except then the little shit had somehow talked him into sharing a joint while he was buzzed on it and once he wakes up, he'll realize things get pretty blurry past a certain point. At least it'll be hard to be mad, since he's sleeping real well right now. He won't remember how it happened but somehow he did wind up in his bed and currently he's dead to the world. The sun is just starting to peek up over the horizon, and he's sleeping through that for once, too.

Look, he was really tired. Stop judging. ]

[Kyna hasn't been sleeping well, either. She's taken to staying in Wash's room, because as irrational as it is, it makes her feel closer to him. The first few nights, the bed felt overwhelmingly empty to her, and then she'd started getting Lando to sleep on the bed with her, and it got a little easier. Sort of.

Every time she lays down, she can't stop thinking, her thoughts buzzing. After a week, Kyna starts casting sleep on herself. It isn't meant to last the whole night, but it gets her through the worst of it, and by the time she's asleep she's exhausted enough to stay asleep.

She wakes up to Lando jumping off the bed, his collar jingling, and it's in the half dark of the room that she realizes someone is in the bed with her. Kyna reacts on instinct—she screams, scrambling backwards and accidentally kicking whoever it is, though she just barely manages not to fall out of the bed.]

[ This is a very rude awakening, Kyna. And is going to continue their trend of being atrocious at reunions, because startling a super paranoid marine awake ends well for no one. The drugs and magic have worn off and Wash was just sleeping, and now he is very much not. He's awake in an instant, and shifts into action mode so fast that if Kyna blinks she'll miss him rocketing out of bed and grabbing his magnum off the nightstand, pointing it at the attacker before he's even fully processed that he's moving. Except it's not an attacker. It's Kyna, unmistakeable even in the dim light. Wash blinks, waiting for his brain to catch up to reality.

Lando is somehow completely nonplussed by these antics, and trots up to Wash's side happily. Friend is back! Friend is awake! Pets, please.

Give him a minute, buddy. ]

...Kyna?

[ He sounds almost wary, like he isn't sure if this is real or another trick. The past week and a half has not been great. ]

[Kyna doesn't really react to the gun—with her magic, she's essentially immune to bullets, anyway. Wash's voice, though, hits her like a blow to the gut. She sucks in a sharp breath, eyes widening, her hands fisting in the sheets. Some part of her has started to assume that whatever is going on, it's her new reality, and that part of her insists this is a dream.]

...Am I hallucinating?

I don't think so. Am I?

[ Only one way to find out. Wash lowers the gun, sets it down on the nightstand next to his phone... which he should really check, his mind now racing with the thought that if this is real and she's back everyone else might be too. But in a minute. Right now he's reaching for her, hesitant like he's afraid his hand is going to pass right through.

It doesn't. Her cheek is warm and soft and real under his hand and he nearly collapses back onto the bed with relief, other hand coming up to pull her in against his chest. Maybe he should say something else, but nothing comes out even as his head is spinning. I thought I'd never see you again. Harlan's here. This was fucking terrifying. He just clutches Kyna to him, breathing unevenly. ]

[Wash pulls her close, and for a moment, Kyna is so overcome with emotion it feels like she can't breathe. She lets out a choked sound, almost a sob, and just clings to him, burying her face in his shoulder as she wills her heart rate to even out. He's okay, he's here, and she missed him so much his absence was like a constant, physical ache. When she finally speaks up, her voice trembles.]

I was so afraid I'd never see you again.

[ Oh okay, Kyna's just going to say exactly what he was thinking anyway, that works. It's painful to hear, but they're on the same page.

He's not letting go of her for a bit. ]

I know. I know, I...

[ Yeah, words aren't working. ]

We're okay.

[She's squeezing too tightly and she knows it, but so is he, so at least it's mutual. There's an irrational part of her that's afraid he'll just disappear again, and even just the thought of it makes her throat tighten.]

Are you okay? I thought...

[She thought maybe something terrible had happened. Something irreversible. She tries and fails to choke back another hiccuping sob, and before she can stop herself, she's crying in earnest.]

[ He's definitely holding her too tight but that's about to ease up, as he sacrifices one hand to stroke her hair when she starts crying. And now he has to keep it together, to calm her down. That's an effective way to ensure he keeps his grip, honestly, just be in a worse state than he is at a given moment. ]

We stuck it out. Harlan was with me, we were stocked up and nothing attacked. We're okay. It was a trick after all.

[ He can't say they're fine, because... they were not fine. The whole group was a mess, in different ways and to varying degrees. But nobody died, nobody even got hurt. ]

[Harlan, he says, which means Harlan is safe too, but she can't even fully parse that at the moment. She's too overwhelmed with relief and exhaustion and too many other things to name, like everything she's felt over the last week and a half is hitting her all over again, all at once. It feels stupid to cry now that it's over and she knows Wash is safe, but she can't help it. She sucks in a sharp breath, shoulders shaking, and manages to keep it together long enough to get a sentence out.]

God, I hate this place.

[ Hey, she can cry if she needs to. Wash isn't going anywhere just yet, they can check for their people when they've calmed down a little. ]

Me too.

[ He was too scared to be angry during the event, and he's too relieved to be pissed off right now, so that'll also come later. Pretty much everything in existence can come later, when Kyna's not crying on him. Priorities. Needing to be the steady one is helping a lot, actually. ]

Hey. Come on, match my breathing.

[It's not entirely true, anyway—as screwed up as Hadriel is, and as much as she misses home, Kyna has started to build a life here. She doesn't hate it, even if she insists she does, and Wash is a big reason why. The last week and a half has made her realize how fragile their plans are, though. What if finding him after they all find a way home doesn't work? What if something else goes wrong in the meantime, and she never sees him again? The thought is panic inducing, enough to destroy any attempt she's making at calming down, and so her voice is unsteady again when she responds.]

What?

[She's never really been walked through calming down before, even if she needs it now.]

[ They can hate the place and the shit they go through here and still be grateful for the people in it. The poor assholes trapped here together that have found comfort in each other. Wash was thinking on a similar track only a few days ago, though. When Harlan unceremoniously shattered his perhaps foolish belief that the magical solutions Kyna mentioned wouldn't be useless when the time came. That they went home without any items from here at all, that there would be nothing to trigger her curiosity if she'd forgotten him. In that case he supposes it wouldn't matter to him because he wouldn't remember either, but that's not much of a comfort.

But Kyna's meltdown right now is a much more immediate problem, one he can try to fix. Something he knows how to handle. He shifts to sit against the headboard, pulling her into his lap and in close so she'll rock with the rise and fall of his chest. ]

Feel me breathing, match the rhythm. In and out with me.

[ As he settles into a nice even rhythm he sets a hand on her back to ground her, stroking up as he breathes in and down as he breathes out, very deliberately. ]

I want you to picture everything in your top dresser drawer, and tell me what's there from left to right.

Edited 2018-09-05 08:24 (UTC)

[Oh. That's nice, actually. She settles against him, and as odd as she finds it, does as he asks, focusing on the rhythm of his breathing and doing her best to mimic it. It's harder than she expects at first—her breathing seems to keep wanting to stutter—but then she starts to get it.

His next question throws her off all over again.]

Um...

[She realizes she's still trembling and tries to stop, although it mostly doesn't work. Her lips do quirk up into a bit of a smile, though.]

My dresser is a mess.

[ Pffft okay, wrong call there. He grins a little too, though, pressing a kiss to her hair. ]

You're right, that was the wrong thing to tell you to recall. Okay, tell me your spells, in the order you learned them. Light was first.

[ He's still stroking her back in time with his breath, slow and steady. ]

Keep up the breathing.

[Even if it was the wrong call, it's working. The tension is starting to drain from her, and she shifts, burying her face against the crook of his neck.]

Light, mage hand, shocking grasp, uh...

[The order's a little hard to remember, actually.]

Burning hands, I think? I almost set our couch on fire.

[ The trick to this tactic is to engage your mind on something else, both as a distraction and for a sense of control. Remembering takes focus, and that can help throw you out of the panic loop, stop the spiraling thoughts. It seems to be working for Kyna now, too, thankfully. Wash can feel her calming down as he guides her through the exercise. ]

Why am I not surprised? What about message, when did you learn that one?

[She lets out a little huff, almost offended. Honestly, though, he's right. She was a terror when she was teaching herself spells.]

Like, six months ago. Harlan taught me.

[ Whatever distracts her right now!!! Go with it, Kyna. ]

Really? But it's a cantrip, why didn't you learn with the others?

Because when I was teaching myself, I wanted to learn all the cool evocation spells.

[She hesitates, then shifts, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek.]

I missed you.

Also not surprising, I probably would too. I was working on some different stuff with Harlan, though.

[ He eases up a little with the grounding, so he can smooth her hair back again from where it's half stuck to the tear tracks on her cheek. ]

I missed you too. Are you feeling a little better?

[Kyna nods, letting out a much steadier breath and then smiling at him.]

You're really good at that.

[ Wash blinks, not quite in surprise because unfortunately he's got a lot of experience with this kind of thing, but maybe he just didn't expect her to say it. ]

I'm glad it helped.

[ He doesn't want to take the focus off of her, but now that they're both calmer he does want to check if everyone's back, if this is over. ]

Let's see if the network's back?

Okay.

[She doesn't move, though. She's going to be clingy for a while.]

Tucker's okay. Your Tucker, I mean. I was with him.

[ Yeah he's not moving, either, just reaching for the nightstand to grab his phone. ]

...good. That's good, that he had someone he knew. Especially with the shit Fear put him through last time.

[ He's not going to say it specifically because it's very personal, but if Kyna was alone with him for ten days she may have realized on her own that his Tucker has pretty terrible abandonment issues. Even if it's not the person's fault -- or worse, if it was because they were trying to protect him like Wash's "Freckles, shake" or Epsilon's sacrifice -- he gets angry to keep from having a complete meltdown that someone left him. This kind of event is his worst nightmare, and Wash is really glad that Kyna was around at least. ]

Aren't you going to say you're proud of me? I spent ten days straight with Harlan.

[ semi-closed ] (650): Come home... I'm drinking and playing with knives.

august 31; kyna

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject