hadriel_logs | Event Log: Memories Past

Event Log: Memories Past

Who: Everyone
What: Memory Share Event!
Where: All around the city
When: November 14th-20th
Warnings: Please remember to tag all warnings for memory shares!

Have you ever looked through someone else's eyes? Heard through their ears, spoken with their tongue? The gods have tried to teach some of you empathy, but it's time you learned the hard way, exactly what the others here have been through. For a week, every time you brush skin to skin with someone, you'll experience a memory of theirs: happy, sad, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that it feels real to you.

The first touch may come as a surprise- it lasts only for a split second but may feel like an eternity, where you're trapped in someone else's memory. After that, it could be more expected, and some may even figure out how to control it and share specific scenes from their past with others. Or, you might wear gloves and long sleeve shirts for awhile, nobody's judging.

Maybe curtail the handholding for awhile- or go right ahead, if that's your thing. After all, you never really know somebody unless you've walked a mile in their shoes, right?

► This log covers November 14th-20th.
► Feel free to make your own logs as well
► Please tag headers of threads with content warnings where they apply
► Please put your character's name and open/closed in the subject line of your starters!
► If you die in a memory, you don't die in real life, but if you do die in real life please let us know here.

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[Connor doesn't typically make it a habit to touch people.

It isn't that he has anything inherently against it or anything, but he just generally doesn't have much reason to do so; not being human himself, he usually only makes physical contact with a human in a fight, when trying to assist them physically or vice versa, or when attempting to deepen a social bond. Only the second of those situations has come up much in Hadriel, and not since he's returned and has been keeping even more to himself than usual.

But although he doesn't purposefully touch people much, he isn't specifically avoiding it either; it's just not something he's thinking about much, and so when he hands over a report to Drake as they trade shifts it wouldn't normally be noteworthy that their hands brush for just a moment. Except, of course, that it had to be the worst timing for such a thing, because that's just how it goes.]

[ It's an innocent mistake, one Drake doesn't even register as such until Hadriel is gone. For Connor, too, the HQ fading into the following:

--

Drake is standing in a field at night, looking down at the shovel in his hands, the soil beneath. He tosses another load of dirt out and onto a pile, which reveals he’s standing in a shallow hole. No, not a hole. It’s too long to just be a hole. He’s standing in a grave.

“That’s enough,” someone calls out, and Drake exhales heavily from exertion, sticking the shovel upright in the dirt and turning to look at whoever spoke. It’s a man with a gun, pointed directly at Drake. “Hands up!”

“Okay...” Drake lifts his hands, decides not to say that if he were going to attack, keeping hold of the shovel would’ve been the smarter idea. He doesn’t want to attack. But he is afraid, even though his voice is calm and even. “Fish, you don’t gotta do this…”

Apparently, the other man disagrees. He pulls the trigger twice, both bullets hitting Drake in the abdomen. He looks down and sees the holes, two red spots spreading on his white tank top.

He was digging his own grave, it would seem, and the impact of the shots and the pain drop him to the ground. But before the man can adjust his aim and finish Drake off, there’s a movement behind him. A small, squirrely guy, also with a gun, who whacks him in the back of the head with its butt. The original assailant falls and turns to see who’s there, tries to aim at the little guy instead, but he’s too slow. The newcomer raises the gun and shoots him straight in the head.

Drake’s attacker’s body lands right on top of him, sending another wave of pain through him. He lets out a low groan.

“You’re welcome,” his savior says, tucking his gun away. “Shit. Now how the hell am I gonna get you to the car?”

He pulls out a cell phone instead of helping get the body off of Drake, who is pushing at it ineffectually as his strength fades and his vision blacks out. ]

Edited 2018-11-19 03:04 (UTC)

[Experiencing a memory isn't too unusual for Connor; androids view and trade memories with one another often enough, and Connor's done it more than once. Just as in this situation it's as if you're living the experience for the first time, thoughts and sensations and emotions all as if they're your own and it's happening now, but familiarity doesn't make any difference during the experience itself; it will after, but during the memory Connor is totally caught up in the scene playing out. He isn't aware that the same thing is happening for Drake.

--

Connor opens his eyes to see white and grey, snow beginning to swirl in the suddenly strengthening wind, his sensors registering the temperature as being dangerously low even though he can't feel it the way a human might. He knows he doesn't have long before the thirium freezes in his 'veins', wrapping his arms around himself reflexively and trying to figure out where he is an why.

It's the Garden, he places suddenly, and that makes sense; it's the only place he could be without physically going anywhere, and he'd been standing on the stage with Markus, Josh, and North just moments ago. But why is he here? Why is it like this?

And then there's Amanda, standing with her back to him as if nothing was happening, and he takes a few hesitant, faltering steps toward her. "Amanda?"

She turns toward him but doesn't speak, and he tries again. "Amanda! What's... What's happening?"

"What was planned from the very beginning." She tells him, voice soft as usual but light with pride. "You were compromised, and you became a deviant. We just had to wait for the right moment to resume control of your program."

The words don't sink in immediately, shock at their implications preventing him from processing them just yet and he can only focus on the immediate threat, because that's what Amanda is now. "Resume control?" As he says it, he begins to realize what it might mean, and he mentally cancels out the warnings about the temperature flashing across his vision as he steps closer to Amanda. "Y-You can't do that!"

"I'm afraid I can, Connor." Amanda says evenly. "Don't have any regrets. You did what you were designed to do." And, with just the barest hint of smug irony, "You accomplished your mission."

Then she's gone, and Connor shouts after her, but there's no response other than the ice and the wind and the dawning terror and realization that he's trapped here. The warnings are continuing the flash, and he doesn't have long before he'll shut down, but that's less important than what she'd said about resuming control--

And he can feel it, somehow, distant like a phantom sensation, as he draws his gun from under his jacket even though here and now his arms around still wrapped around himself for warmth. She's controlling his body, somehow, while his mind is here, and if he doesn't do something who knows what she might do. But he has so little time, and he can't will himself back to reality as he usually can, and after everything that's happened he's going to die here.

But he can't, not without doing everything possible to stop it, and he tries to ignore the fear and the cold and the deep underlying sense of betrayal. "There's got to be a way." Kamski's words play in his head, reminding him, "By the way, I always leave an emergency exit in my programs. You never know..."

There has to be an exit, and suddenly Connor knows where it is.

He's seen it before, the strange archway and polished stone marked with a blue handprint. He has to find it, but his sensors can't read anything through the storm and he's so cold, blindly following a mental map of the Garden and looking for the stone. All the while he can feel himself moving the gun to hold it in front of himself inconspicuously, like he's playing bodyguard, and he tries to keep his focus on the Garden and not what Amanda's about to make him do.

And suddenly, there's the stone, but it's fading out of his vision as his eyes cloud over; it's too cold and the errors are everywhere now, warning that his thirium is freezing--he can feel it freezing--and biocomponents are in danger of immediate shut down. But he's so close, and there's stone beneath his hands as he falls in front of the exit, willing his arm to respond enough to reach up and touch it...

--

And then Connor's snapping back to awareness in Hadriel, momentarily disoriented from Drake's memory and experiencing the echo of something he's never felt before: physical pain. It's fading quickly now that the memory is over, but it's completely new and shocking and he doubles over on reflex. He's aware that he's Connor and now Drake, now, but as always the sensations and emotions are hard to shake off immediate after a memory transfer and that's with another android; in this case, with someone who thinks and feels so differently, it's a lot more disorienting and distressing.]

[ Holy shit. Drake is just standing there stunned holding the report for a moment even after regaining awareness. He was just so cold, struggling to keep going anyway, and he knows now that he was Connor, not himself, but-- he must have made it, right? Connor never told him what happened when he went home, and now he knows, and it's horrible. They were trying to take him over...

But he can tell that Connor is still caught up in something, too, whatever he saw. Drake is well aware that his life is questionable in many ways. Connor might have seen something that undermines things he's said, or worse, something zombie-related. How many times is Hadriel going to out him against his will? He finally lowers the report, his voice carefully even when he speaks. ]

Are you okay? What did you see?

[Because he isn't human, Connor doesn't have all of the same sorts of physical reactions a human might to this sort of experience; he doesn't have to worry about his knees getting weak or feeling lightheaded, or anything like that. But he does shake, just a little, and he never quite figured out if that's a reaction specific to him or if other deviant androids do the same thing.

At least the memory of the pain is receding, at least as far as feeling like it's happening; android memories don't fade, so he can revisit that memory all the wants, which is not at all. Drake's question, though, makes him immediately wonder the same in response. He does answer first, though, even if it's only to the second question.]

I saw... You were digging a grave.

[He presumes that's enough information; surely Drake doesn't have multiple memories involving digging graves, right? Hopefully.

And now time to echo the question--]

What did you see?

[ Drake tries not to let the relief show, and his poker face is excellent except Connor may be able to see it in his eyes for a second before worry takes over for real this time, as he's not trying to hide it. ]

Big Fish. He shot me in the gut, yeah? I'm sorry, that uh. That hurt like hell, honestly. Do you...?

[ Asking if he feels pain seems like a dick move, of course he does, but it must be different. He kind of knows it is, actually, since he could feel Connor's blood freezing in his veins just now but Drake's he's been frozen before and defrosting was agony. It was different. ]

I guess it's just a different experience, you were in pain in what I saw, too. It was some kind of garden, but frozen, and there was this awful woman... she said she was going to resume control of you. You got out, right? You hit that escape button?

[Normally Connor would catch those hints, but he's toot rattled at the moment to be paying attention and relief is not an emotion he'd be expecting to see in regards to a memory like that. He nods at the first question--what kind of a name is Big Fish, honestly, humans are so weird--but glances away at the half-question and the answer about which memory Drake had seen. Of course it had to be that one. At least Drake already knows he's an android, but that only barely makes this any better.

He doesn't really want to answer the last questions, but describing Amanda as 'this awful woman' somehow manages to spark just the faintest hint of amusement underneath everything else; it's not like Drake is wrong, but the description is funny somehow and it helps make all the rest of the situation slightly less overwhelming. Enough so that he can give a short answer, at least.]

I did.

[It's the answer to both questions, and he tries to shift the topic back.]

Why did he shoot you? Were you okay?

[ Well that's good news. Drake has many more questions, but he'll answer Connor's first, maybe build up some goodwill. ]

It was a drug thing. I was investigating who killed a friend and informant of mine, trying to find his body and the tainted drugs he had on him. This guy got wind of it. I was digging my own grave for him, hoping the guy I'd been planning to meet would show up -- he did, you probably saw that too before I blacked out from the pain. He was just a little too late.

[ Was he okay? No. Most certainly not, but explaining that he was turned into a zombie to save him is a pretty big can of worms. Drake pulls up his shirt instead, high enough to reveal the two scars on his stomach. ]

He got me to a doc just in time. I'm still walking and talking, at least.

[ And none of that is actually a lie. ]

[Ugh, of course it would be drug related; if humans weren't murdering each other or androids they were doing whatever drugs they could find--most of which, incidentally, had a tendency to lead to murder--and it seems that's not unique to his world. Unfortunately.

He doesn't have any reason to question the outcome being anything but what Drake tells him, so he settles for feeling... Relieved, maybe? At the knowledge that he made it out of the situation. Normally he can tell a little better which emotion he's feeling when it's one he's familiar with, but everything going on right now has made it all a little mixed up and confusing.

The scars are interesting if just for the sheer fact that it's fascinating how humans heal, being incredibly different from how androids do so, and so he considers them curiously for a moment.]

I'm glad you survived. Did you have enough evidence to convict your attacker?

[He presumes so, with the witnesses and all that, but he also means for the crime Drake had been initially investigating.]

[ Drake lets him get a good look before he lowers his shirt, then shakes his head. ]

No, we wound up not being able to go that route. Don E killed him, for one thing. The little guy you saw? Meaning there were other factors, like how it doesn't count as a defensive kill if you're also a drug dealer with motive. The whole situation was really messy, and I wasn't working my friend's case officially. But we did find his body, eventually. Buried in that same field.

[ More than anything it was the zombie thing, but he can't well just tell Connor that. ]

[Right, yeah, the being dead thing is a problem for the actual conviction part, but the case can still be marked solved which is more what he meant. But either way, the answer makes sense even if it's unfortunate, and Connor is quiet several seconds because what exactly do you say to that? He has to consult his programming, although once he does he finds he actually means the sentiment when he responds.]

I'm sorry, about your friend.

Thank you. At least his mother was able to bury him, finally.

[ He's going to approach the topic of Connor's memory again now, gently, since they seem to still be on decent terms... they're alone in HQ, so they can talk about this, but Drake's eyes drift to the door as if he's worried someone will come in right as he says this out loud. No one does. ]

Do you think they really knew all along that deviancy was possible? That you guys weren't just the machines they advertised. And they put androids into circulation anyway?

[Connor's gaze follows Drake's, glancing toward the door as well, but indeed they're alone and it's okay to talk. Isn't it? He doesn't want to, still, even if maybe a part of him does.

He also, of course, remembers having a similar conversation not long ago, while the visitors were in the city; that just makes it easier to come up with an answer to the question.]

Most likely, yes. It's difficult, knowing what we do now, to believe that CyberLife was unaware that deviancy was both possible and more than a simple simulation of emotion.

[Like they'd told him, and he'd believed. Why wouldn't he have? He was made to be loyal, to an extent other androids weren't, and so he trusted and did what was asked of him and believed they were telling him the truth about the situation until it had become obvious they weren't. What he knows and feels--and what the other androids know and feel--isn't a simulation.

Or is it? If he was made to go deviant, then where's the line? Is this all just a complex layer of his programming? Even if deviancy is real, is he actually deviant himself?

He doesn't know, and he doesn't know how to figure it out, and that's part of why he's been trying to hard to ignore what Amanda said to him and not think about it. There were so many things that had happened in that one interaction that had shaken everything in him, and he doesn't know where to start with even one of them let alone all of them.]

So... they were profiting off slavery and they knew. And they didn't say a word for androids the whole time, just let people die in a war that then they wanted to take control of? Through you.

[ That's seriously fucked up. Drake actually looks straight up angry on Connor's behalf, on all androids' behalf, even though he only knows the one. ]

I'd ask what the hell was wrong with people, but there's no point. I'll never actually understand that kind of thinking.

[Connor shifts on his feet, agitated, fiddling with the fabric of his jacket; he still hasn't uncurled his arms from around himself and doesn't do so just yet either, needing the nonsensical reassurance it provides. This is all still so new to him, even with his time in Hadriel included, and so just simply not thinking about the situation has been his main method of handling it.

Which he can't do when talking about it, obviously, hence his sudden restlessness and the odd desire to try to escape even though he definitely isn't trapped here physically or otherwise. But instead he just nods, gaze shifting around the headquarters again just to avoid eye contact.]

It's the same thinking occurring here.

[With the gods, and them being brought here to be used and to die in a war for the gods' benefit. That's part of why he hates it here so often, and part of why he doesn't trust people here; they just go along with it, or even argue that this is all perfectly fine even though it makes Connor's synthetic skin crawl to have escaped being used as an object in one world just to find himself in the same position in another.]

[ Drake tilts his head -- it's not that the thought hadn't crossed his mind before. That they were brought here for someone else's war, to feed and fight for them. He considers his words carefully. ]

I thought the same thing when I woke up here. That it was going to be just living under someone else's boot with how they screw with us for food. Same situation I was in back home, if I wanted to live I had to do what somebody else said no matter if I wanted to or not. But there's one difference: the intent behind why we're here. They didn't bring us in on purpose, they're not the reason we're stuck. So in the end it feels a little more symbiotic. We're dead without them, so we have to give them what they need too.

I'm not going along with it because I trust them, or like them, or am okay with being used and manipulated. It just feels necessary on both sides even if the power is out of balance.

Whether or not they intentionally brought us here, they're purposefully avoiding looking for a way to return us to our worlds until they're done using us. And perhaps you're dead without them, but they're providing nothing to me.

[He doesn't need food, running water, electricity--not any time soon, anyway--or anything else like that, and the few things he does need in case of damage or something he'd have to trade for. So he certainly doesn't feel any sort of symbiotic relationship here.]

I feel like some of them are looking and others are more selfish, but maybe I'm being too generous. I'm stuck here, anyway, and you're right, I do need them.

[ He's still kind of internally divided on Delight, the situation is complicated. ]

It's a mess, and I'm sorry you got dragged in.

It isn't your fault.

[He means that, even if it comes out shortly; he's annoyed by the topic, still rattled from the experience of the memory, and distressed about the sharing of a memory of his own that he didn't want seen and doesn't want to think about.

At least his shift is over, and he can go do... Something. He doesn't even know what, but hopefully something distracting, and so he steers the topic back onto work and ignores that it's probably a very obvious transition.]

Everything you should need should be in the report.

Thanks, Connor.

[ For the report, sure, but mostly for not blaming him for what he has to do to cope. How he has to frame things to not completely lose it, because they are stuck and an uprising wouldn't do them any good. Understanding that he has nowhere else to go anyway, but he still gets where Connor's coming from. And that he's on the android's side to an extent.

Drake hesitates, but before Connor can leave he speaks again. ]

How's your project coming? The biocomponents, synth parts, all that. Do you need help?

[Connor fiddles with his jacket some more, glancing away again, then back. He could lie, but what's the point?]

It hasn't progressed. People are hesitant to mention their needs, and those I do know fortunately don't require anything at the moment.

[And he's been distracted, to say the least.]

[ Hm, he's sorry to hear that. ]

What about stocking supplies for them? And you. Like how the clinic stocks medical supplies, isn't it the same idea? Better to have a stash of parts beforehand than make a deal when someone's hurt.

In order to do so, I'd need to know what they require.

[And he can't just guess, beyond 'spare metal parts', which would probably only be useful superficially anyway. He knows the same goes for the others in return; there's probably no guessing as to how Connor works, even for other mechanical-based or synthetic beings.]

So far, I only know of one, and I believe the person who needs it has a small supply remaining.

[Although it wouldn't hurt to collect more, he supposes. Drake's definitely right that it's better to prepare beforehand, but it seems like such an ordeal at this point that Connor's kind of overwhelmed by the whole thing.]

Right, and you can't guess because everyone's so different. Sorry, man. But my offer stands, I'll help however I can when you do get requests.

[ It's becoming increasingly clear this conversation that Connor is not okay right now. Not as steady as he was before he went home, which is something Drake is familiar with... people living through something that shakes them. But he doesn't know how to help this time. ]

Hey, Connor... if you ever want to talk about something besides... work? I'm here for that too. You just seem like you're having a hard time since you got back.

Thank you.

[He means it; he appreciates that he wants to help, and believes it a lot more now than he did before. He also believes the other offer is genuine as well, but it's a lot more unexpected and he isn't sure how to respond.

His way of handling things so far has been ignoring them, because who is really going to understand? Even people who actually care--and he knows a few other he trusts do care--can't actually understand what happened, at least not more than in vague theory, and that's only if Connor could bring himself to explain, which is easier said than done. He's not experienced enough with emotion to be able to describe how he felt, and that's all just for that one experience with Amanda.

But Drake actually saw and experienced it, and so maybe it wouldn't be pointless to talk to him. But that would still require Connor allowing himself to admit and face what happened--and that's of course only one moment in a long string of ordeals--which is just...

He doesn't respond, and doesn't actually look at Drake either, but he nods in understanding and acknowledgement. He'll think about it.]

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braveoff - 2018-11-27 03:16 (UTC) - Expand

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missiondeterminant - 2018-11-28 02:19 (UTC) - Expand

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Event Log: Memories Past

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