hadriel_logs | all you can do is try

Who: Gansey and Blue
What: post-Assassins turmoil
Where: The general location for the log.
When: backdated to a day after the event ends
Warnings: ... pda maybe?

[ Going over the last week was....

Impossible. In a sense.

All the things that had happened were real. She knew they were. They felt real. And if she thought hard enough, she could remember the way she'd felt when it'd happened. She just couldn't remember why. Or how. Okay. Maybe she had an answer for that too, it was Adam who had suggested maybe something else was behind it. Everyone had been acting so oddly, after all.

It didn't make it easier. It should have, but it didn't.

She swallowed hard, laying on her bed with her neck hanging over the edge. She stared at the name on her phone. Before even the thought of him had driven her to near blinding rage. Now she looked back on everything she'd said and done with biting humiliation and regret.

After another several minutes of staring, she finally pushes the button to send the message: ]

Am I speaking with congress?

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[ He had avoided her after that last fight, the terrible fight. The one that had ended with Blue actually attacking him, and Ronan preventing her. Gansey had told himself, afterwards, that there was nothing she could do about it. That this was a disease spreading throughout the town, that people were attacking each other for no reason, that all of them had suffered. Adam had been shot.

But the things Blue had said still stuck with Gansey. He hadn't been able to say that she was wrong. He knows that he's made every one of his friends' lives more difficult through his quest. They've been hurt in ways that they wouldn't have been if they hadn't come with him, and there is no real getting away from that fact. Gansey wishes there was, but there's not.

He isn't expecting her text. He's had days of not talking to her, not going near her. After so many nights spent at her door before sleep, and so many more before it talking to her on the phone first, the sudden lack of her has been terrible. Gansey has barely slept in all that time.

Now, seeing the message from her makes his heart, for no good reason, lift. Congress. It's how she used to talk to him, right back when all of this started. Does that mean - ? ]

You must have misdialled. I actively try to avoid Congress when I can

Jane?

What about avoiding me?

Hi Gansey.

[ She answers fast. Almost too fast.

She needs to talk to him. She needs to see him. Everything in her stomach hurts and twists with the knowledge of what she's done to him. She wishes she could erase it.

Because as much as she hates herself for trying to attack him, she hates herself more for what she said to him. There's something about knowing Gansey like she does that makes her too acutely aware that everything she said was like it's own knife in his ribs. That even if he's lived, he'll never forget those words. Even if he knows, even if he doesn't hater her for it, those words will forever haunt him.

She blinks back tears at the edges of her eyes, staring at her phone. Waiting for the response. ]

[ Gansey hesitates with that question. He hadn’t wanted to avoid her, but he’d known there was no choice. She hadn’t contacted him before now, but it occurs to him that if she really does still want to hurt him, she might be trying for another opportunity.

That’s a terrible thing to think, though, and he doesn’t want to. He wants this to be over. He wants his Blue back again. And there have already been other apologies on the network. Maybe that means this is real. Maybe everyone is well again. ]

I thought it best to stay out of your way

It’s not that I wanted to. How are you now?

[ He would see what she said. Hope was trying to work its way out of his heart, and he doesn’t want to let it. Not until he knows for sure. ]

I mean now.

Now that I'm better?

[ Will he allow her to visit him? Or come see her?

Why couldn't all of that have been some fever dream. Why couldn't she have forgotten all of it when the haze around her head lifted?

But she can't. She just keeps replaying that night over and over in her head. She hits that play button and hears the words that she spewed like venom. Who cares about the knife she was wielding? Everyone was using weapons.

It's the words she said that destroy her hear and make it heavy as she waits for his response. ]

[ He stares at that message for a long time. Now that I'm better. Is she better?

Can this all be all right again now? Will she be all right with him? Gansey wants it so badly. He wants to go back to how they were before that awful week. He hadn't even known how much he relied on Blue until he couldn't do it anymore. ]

Are you?

I just thought it was best

I miss you, Jane. If you're not still angry...

[ Then he'll come. So long as she's sure. ]

[ She doesn't blame the hesitation.

She went at him with her switchblade. She remembers all of it, and she doesn't like what happened anymore than he does. So she doesn't blame him when he seems unsure. When he's questioning whether he can trust her or not. It may not have been her fault, but it happened.

He has a reason to worry. ]

No more than usual.

No. I'm not angry. I don't want to hurt you, Gansey.

Can I please see you? I can't do this over text.

[ Something about that makes Gansey's heart twinge. She can't do this over text. Neither can he, really. Nor can he be a coward about it. This is something that has to be faced.

He knows this wasn't her fault. They can get past this.

They have to.

He doesn't answer again. He just appears, a few minutes later, on the other side of her door. It's the door to the room that used to be his, though his memories of it are far less than they should be. He leans his head briefly against it, catching his breath, and mentally preparing himself. Even at that, he doesn't feel prepared. He just wants them to be okay again.

He rests his knuckles against the door, and finally, he knocks. ]

Jane?

[ He knocks on her door and she's opening it in seconds. She was already standing there.

She gives him a second or two. Really looking at him, afraid of the anger that might take her. Before, it was so bad that just thinking his name threw her out of it. Now she can think it and speak it. And she can see him without that anger returning.

Relief floods her as she breathes a sigh of relief.

And then she's clinging to him, arms wrapped around him so tight. ]

Gansey I'm....

I didn't mean to- I would never-

I'm sorry.

[ Gansey waits like she does, his expression careful and a little uncertain. He’s half expecting her to fly at him again, and when she doesn’t, there’s a definite breath of relief. Then she’s suddenly hugging him, and the moment he realizes that’s her intent, all the tension in his body relaxes. He lets out a sigh, and wraps his arms around her.

She’s okay. They’re okay. His Blue is back again.

He leans his cheek on her head. ]

You’re really you again? Christ, I missed you so much.

Don’t be sorry. You didn’t know what you were saying.

all you can do is try

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