hadriel_logs | like a wildfire;

[ That hug catches Shiro by surprise though maybe it really shouldn't. That's what the names on their wrist mean, a useless confirmation of something that had been abundantly clear before already. Keith always has his back. Clone or not. It feels strange that he can accept this so easily with Keith and yet has spent so much time separating his own clone from himself, carefully severing the ties and ignoring the memories.

After a moment of lag, Shiro wraps his arm around Keith in return. Maybe Keith is right, maybe for once he is the one who just really needed a hug. ]

I know that. I know. Thank you, Keith.

[ He bites his lip a little and then sighs quietly against Keith's shoulder. ]

It's more that I don't know what to say about it.

[ And if he starts, he'll come undone. Entirely, fully, completely. There'd be nothing but pieces to pick up from the floor and this isn't the place or the time. Just as little as it had been the place or time at home. It will never be the right time, he just knows. ]

It hurts, but what's a little more of that?

[Something in his chest aches at the flippant nature of the question. After everything Shiro has been through, he doesn't deserve to have more saddled on him; more things he can't talk about. Briefly Keith grits his teeth in a flash of sudden anger, but there's nothing and nobody to take it out on.

It's just...

Unfair. Unfair in all these ways that he can't begin to make right or exercise control over. His arms tighten around Shiro's mid-section, hooking his chin over a warm shoulder.]

I don't want you to hurt anymore.... I wish you didn't have to.

[His voice starts out firm, but no amount of grit really disguises how child-like it sounds in Keith's own ears. He trails off, fighting down a sigh starting to burn his lungs. It's unbelievably hurtful to think back at Cartesio, he'd been so sure they could bring their dead back because he'd made it happen with Shiro, but he can't convince himself wholeheartedly that a miracle like that can just happen in a way that doesn't come with a cost.]

Maybe talking will help...? [A beat.] Natalie would always make me talk about stuff.

Edited 2019-03-21 22:40 (UTC)

[ Shiro hasn't properly talked about his feelings in over two years now - ironically, the last time was probably before Adam left him; before he left Adam. Because Adam could make him talk, draw it out and mend it with firm words and firm touch. And he's gone along with all the knowledge on how to make Shiro breathe.

In a way, the mention of a foreign name comes as a welcome distraction here. The irony of this isn't lost on Shiro, and yet he can't help asking. ]

Natalie.. She's someone who helped you throughout Cartesio then?

[There's a moment of hesitation. He could just nod and leave it at that, but the thing about "maybe you should talk because it might make you feel better" is that he should probably lead by example on that.]

...yeah. We were pretty close.

[were. Using past tense feels irrationally wrong. Like he's given up on her and everyone else back in Cartesio or something which feels like betrayal on so many levels. But this isn't about him, this is about Shiro, so he quickly adds:]

Anyway... she used to ask me all these questions about how I was feeling and it annoyed the hell out of me at first,but I think it helped me sort some stuff out. We could try that.

[ Shiro is curious about this girl, but Keith is trying hard for his sake and deflecting more would really just be an obvious way of shutting Keith out. That's not what Shiro wants, he doesn't want to reject Keith's concern, he's just.... He's afraid. After all this time in space, all this time being dead, after finding his planet destroyed... this simple idea of baring himself can still make him nervous. It's laughable.

Shiro pulls back out of the hug again, so they can make proper eye contact. ]

Okay. This sounds dangerously like counseling, but... we can try it. Answering something concrete will for sure be easier than trying to sum all of this up by myself.

[Keith likewise draws back, making a face at the mention of counseling before scooting back a little more comfortably on the bed.]

Don't call it that. I actually care about you feeling better.

[Scowling a little, he props up his elbow on his knees.]

I guess... the most obvious question to ask is whether or not you regret going on the Kerberos mission.

Ouch, loaded question.

[ There's a deep breath here, but the silence that follows it is only of minimal length. It's not like he hadn't asked himself this before, in week moments laying awake at night and unable to distract himself with anything appropriately productive. ]

I can't actually regret it, can I? Had I not gone and gotten abducted, we might have never found the Blue Lion and formed Voltron in time. It's hard to regret a choice that ended up saving lives.

Adam and I... you and Lance and everyone else... we might all have died on Earth had history gone a little different.

[There are a lot of words competing to be said first, but the subtle comment about his behavior with Lance over the last week has all replies freezing over for a few seconds. This isn't a relevant thought right now, not addressing that right now--]

Forget about whether you can or can't regret it, Shiro. Things might've panned out like that, but you know that's not what I'm getting at.

[The words are spoken a bit quickly, not willing to accept the deflection.]

I mean... what do you even want to apologize to Adam for if you don't regret leaving?

[ Shiro takes a moment to respond to this question. It's huge and difficult and it weighs him down heavily. He just has to keep breathing and approach this rationally. Except rationality is somehow so much harder when it's directed backwards instead of into the future. ]

I want to... I want to apologize for the way we ended, regardless. Even if I know I'd never have chosen any differently, it still wasn't fair to him.

[ He's never acknowledged this before, not out loud, and the echo of the words runs coldly down his back. ]

And... irrationally, I also just want to apologize for not having been there... when he... when he left.

[ When he died. Words Shiro has spoken before that are inexplicably hard now that he is reaching to the core of his feelings. ]

[Keith mulls that over, brow furrowing. It's pretty clear from his expression that there's a lot he could say in response to all this, but is being careful about how he says it. Shiro's probably one of the few people he'll actually bother self-editing for.]

If you ask me, I think that would've made Adam madder. [A beat.] Maybe that's just me. Saying you're sorry doesn't mean a whole lot if nothing changes about your attitude.

[Which may or may not be why Keith doesn't do a whole lot of apologizing himself. He frowns.]

....is that your takeaway from this whole crazy ordeal? Not putting the wishes of loved ones first just in case?

Edited 2019-04-05 21:42 (UTC)

[ That gets a raised eyebrow from Shiro. Keith is asking a legitimate question, he supposes, but the idea is still a little bit odd to him. ]

No. I don't think probability has entered some strange conspiracy in which the choice that hurts someone I care about is always cosmically better.

[ Not that he'd entirely put it past the universe to do that to him. It seems just in line with how his life has been going. ]

My choice to go on the Kerberos mission wasn't for the greater good either, it was for myself only.

[The mention and refuting of bizarre conspiracies aimed against them in particular gets a crooked half smile from Keith; something a touch jaded and tired.]

So lemme rephrase: are you going to put your desire to prove yourself above the wishes of loved ones again if that comes up again? What did you end up deciding here?

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