(no subject)

[hoperulesdespairdrools]

Who: Nagito Komaeda and Drake
What: Komaeda returns to Hadriel from home.
Where: The Colosseum
When: February 10th
Warnings: Suicide talk, talk of self-harm, self-loathing talk, DR 2 chapter 5 spoilers

He shouldn’t be here. Not in Hadriel. He is supposed to be back on Jabberwock Island. He has a job to do back home. He has to die by the traitor’s hand. By that grenade. So he can eradicate despair and be the Ultimate Hope.

It’s what he can do, what he must do. After all, he and his classmates are monsters, worse than scum. He’s even lowlier than he thought. But at the very least, he can do his duty and destroy them all.

He’s not supposed to be back in this place. Why did the portal bring him back here? He’s supposed to be dead.

Is he dead? Did the poisoned grenade kill him? It’s supposed to kill its victim in the moment they breathe. Wouldn’t he feel intense pain beforehand, even if it’s for a moment? He doesn’t remember feeling any pain. Either way though, he’s alive here. Alive, with wounds on his arms and legs and a knife right through his right hand.

Why is he here? He's worse than trash. Why would the portal bring him here? Why did it not let him die or stay dead? Someone might discover him here. Maybe Drake or Wash or Akira. They might be worried about him. Which they shouldn't. He doesn't deserve it.

Besides, maybe he can slip away back to his house, in spite of his injuries. Maybe he can patch himself up, stay indoors for a few days. Then they won't know. Maybe.

Komaeda tries to push himself onto his feet, left hand against the wall. He cannot just stand here. He has to go somewhere to get his wounds treated. He can try and muster up the energy to walk, right? Even as he tries not to cry out in pain as he attempts to force himself up.

It's agony but he can't stay in this place. Not if he doesn't want anyone to find him.

Comments

[braveoff]

Drake is, as always, at the colosseum on arrivals day to help the new arrivals. There are also a number of people missing from the city recently, that he wants to keep an eye out for -- just in case. It's happened so many times to his friends, that they vanish shortly before the Door opens again, then reappear with the newbies, that he's looking for the faces of the missing today.

What he doesn't expect is that one of those faces is twisted in pain, because he's so badly injured. And it has nothing to do with the angry trees that have sprouted up in the colosseum this month. Drake breaks into a run, dodging swiping branches to get to Komaeda's side where he's struggling to get to his feet. It's only when he gets right up to the other man that he realizes how bad it is. He's bleeding heavily and has a knife through his hand, and Drake can only imagine how much it hurts trying to get up if he's cut through the muscles. Who did this to him?! ]

"Don't try to move-- shit!"

He wants to ask what the hell happened but this is neither the time nor the place. Drake hears shuffling behind him, the trees shifting and closing in, and makes a decision.

"Okay, up we go, come on. I've got you, man." Komaeda is almost too light in his arms as Drake scoops him up and hustles back towards the entrance, doing his best not to jostle the younger man too much. But some is inevitable, they need to get out fast. Outside he doesn't stop, and Komaeda may realize he's beelining for the clinic. Because where else do you go when you have someone slashed up, right?

[hoperulesdespairdrools]

"Ahhhh-!"

Komaeda recognises that voice immediately and his heart sinks. Of course someone he knows would come. And before he can do anything, Drake scoops him up.

"No, it's fine....I can manage on my own..." He bites his lip hard so to stop himself from doing anything else other than hiss in pain as they move. Great. Not only can he not die back home but now he gets humiliated further. He feels he's going to break down into another fit of laughter...

It's then his eyes spot the clinic. Of course Drake would think to take him there. But maybe he can...

"It's all right.....I'm sure I can get back home....it's not too far." And with that, he tries to free himself from Drake's grasp.

[braveoff]

"Hey, what the hell are you doing-- Komaeda, no." Drake stops in his tracks, getting a better grip on his friend. "You cannot manage on your own, why don't you want help?"

But Komaeda keeps squirming and Drake gets the feeling he's going to have to find a middle ground here. He sighs, glances at the clinic one last time and then turns away from it, aiming for Komaeda's apartment instead.

"Please tell me you at least have a first aid kit at home so I can stitch you up."

[hoperulesdespairdrools]

Komaeda knows deep down that trying to go back on his own is probably a good idea. However, aside from the fact he does not want to go to the clinic, there is also the humiliation of not being in control of his situation. Not only has he been sent back here instead of being able to die but if he can't walk and has to be picked up somewhere...

"There....should be one...so I can...." He's losing blood. He's feeling like he'll lose consciousness soon....no, he has to stay awake.

[braveoff]

"I swear, Komaeda, if you die on me..."

Drake leaves the thought unfinished and just pours on the speed as much as possible, resigning himself to the fact that if Komaeda does black out, he's going to the clinic anyway. But he doesn't. The other's head lolls against his shoulder but stays up, and Drake is able to get into their spire and Komaeda's apartment easily enough. He'd rather not have to run upstairs for his own supplies, wasting that time, but he will if he has to.

He shoves everything off the kitchen table and sets Komaeda down there so he doesn't bloody the couch, then turns and starts rummaging through the cupboards desperately.

"Where's your kit?"

[hoperulesdespairdrools]

"I swear, Komaeda, if you die on me..."

That prompts a weak laugh from Komaeda. If he dies? That's exactly what he's tried to do. And yet his luck or Hadriel, he does not know which, stopped him and brought him right here. Perhaps it's both. Either way, life has to smack him in the face and force him to survive. Or bring him back here from death. He's not quite sure which. Either way, he is forced to live. As someone dirtier and lower than scum.

What terrible, awful despair.

[braveoff]

"Komaeda?" Drake calls his friend's name, still rummaging, but not finding what he's looking for. He sighs and comes back over to the table, giving the injured man a little shake where he lies. "God damn it... Nagito! Focus. Your kit. I'm not letting you have made it back to Hadriel just to bleed out."

While he waits for an answer he pulls his belt and guard sash off, making them into makeshift tourniquets.

[hoperulesdespairdrools]

Maybe he should just.....

No, he'd just revive again. Unless he asked Hope to revive him. But that might mean he would just die permanently here. It wouldn't necessarily mean he'd go back home. And bleeding to death right in his kitchen seemed a pointless way to go.

It is shameful for him to do this. He'd rather get it himself. But he can barely move so....

"Top cupboard on the left.....top shelf...." he manages to say.

[braveoff]

"Thank you," Drake says with relief, tying off his sash and going to the indicated cupboard -- sure enough there's a first aid kit from the clinic, never used so it's got plenty of thread for sutures. He comes back to the table with it and starts sorting through what he's going to need.

"Stay with me, man. Keep talking, I need you to stay awake until I'm done. What happened?"

clinic; like a week later because komaeda is a stubborn butt

[braveoff]

Okay, Drake's had enough of this.

Komaeda is not only not healing anywhere near as quickly as Drake would like (though he admits his world view is a bit warped by being a zombie and having actual healers around to help other people's injuries along) and is still refusing to let Drake help him to the clinic. He spends long stretches of time when he's not on patrol tending to the younger man but there's only so much he can do, and he's worried that with Komaeda's poor health in the first place, and not getting his regular treatments, his injuries are not just slow to heal but won't heal.

Enough is enough, that's all. So today he swings by the clinic first thing, looking for a healer that Komaeda doesn't already know, as that seems to be part of his resistance to coming by. Why, Drake's not certain -- he was doing so well getting regular treatment -- he doesn't claim to understand his friend at the best of times, but Komaeda is his friend, and Drake won't watch him die of something probably treatable in minutes for a skilled healer.

He lets himself in and calls out, ignoring his own discomfort with the place. "Hello? Anybody around?"

[mysophobic]

There sure is someone around and that someone happens to be Shigeru. He's of course tidying the place up, cleaning the counters and such in an almost controlled manic fashion. This place has not been kind to his mysophobia or OCD so he does whatever he can to keep himself sane. Still when someone comes in he's already there, putting whatever cleaning supplies he has away and focusing his attention on whoever it is that's come in.

He'll give Drake a wave as he takes out his device to type something.

I'm here! My name is Shigeru, is there something I can help you with?

[braveoff]

"Shigeru?" Drake doesn't recognize the guy, which isn't surprising but is also hopeful. Maybe Komaeda won't, either -- at this point it's worth a try, Drake knows this isn't the healer he's been seeing. Is he a healer at all? Only one way to find out.

"My name's Drake -- I was hoping to find a healer willing to make a house call for my friend. I've been trying to look after him but I'm worried the cuts are getting infected and he's not healing very well so far... puts up one hell of a fight every time I mention the clinic, though. Would you come with me?"

[mysophobic]

Shigeru nods in understanding and there's a worried expression on his face as he listens to Drake continue.

That sounds serious. He should be seen right away. I don't mind at all! Please lead the way.

This doesn't sound good, especially if infection has set in. In a place like this that could spell some disaster but luckily Shigeru's healing will be able to clear it up easily.

[braveoff]

Drake nods, turning on his heel and heading back out the door with Shigeru. He's assuming several things here, including that he is in fact a magical healer, but really is just at the end of his rope and wants to get Komaeda taken care of as soon as possible. So back out into the cold -- he holds the door for the other man.

"He should have been seen last week, honestly, I just cannot convince him to come here and when I offered to call Pell he flipped out even worse." Then Drake seems to realize that's not encouraging, and clarifies. "He's not violent or anything, don't worry. I'm just done waiting for him to come around and showing up with help seems like the best way to do this. Thanks."

[mysophobic]

Shigeru would ask why the other man doesn't like the clinic but that's something for another time he figures. It's not really important right now anyway so he'll silently listen and follow.

I understand. You're a really good friend for doing this for him. I'm sure he appreciates it, even if he might not when I show up.

But Drake going out of his way is pretty indicative of how much he cares.

[braveoff]

"He's been weird since he got back like this, honestly. I'm sorry if he's rude to you."

He keeps walking, leading Shigeru to their spire and holding that door for him as well -- always a gentleman, Drake is. Komaeda's apartment is on the first floor, and Drake lets them in like he lives there which at this point isn't far from the truth. It's like he doesn't trust Komaeda not to try and off himself again if left alone for too long.

"Komaeda? You decent?" He calls out when he doesn't see the younger man in the living room anymore. Maybe he went to shower? Wouldn't be the smartest move but Drake wouldn't put it past him in this state.

[hoperulesdespairdrools]

Komaeda is actually in his bedroom, seeing if sleeping would help him recover. Unfortunately, he failed. For the past few days, he's tried to get out of the house, thinking maybe, just maybe, he might be well enough to walk outside. He didn't want to sit around being useless.

Unfortunately, he failed.

Maybe calling Pell might be a good idea after all.

It's then he hears Drake's voice. So the guy's back. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the guy's being worried. It's just.....he isn't sure it's right after all that's happened and all that he's found out. And having to sit there waiting to recover, not being able to take control of his situation....

"I'm here...." a weary boy's voice can be heard from the bedroom.

shortly after the healing!

[braveoff]

Drake shows Shigeru out even though this is Komaeda's apartment, not his. In theory he could follow the healer out, now that Komaeda is all patched up and capable of fending for himself... but he just thanks him and closes the door from the inside anyway, then turns to face his friend. Komaeda's not off the hook, now that he's well Drake isn't taking no for an answer. Not for something this important.

"Can we talk now? I'm just worried, man."

[hoperulesdespairdrools]

For the whole time since Drake found him, Komaeda had been very vague. He said that he had things to do back home and that was it. And honestly, he was not in the mindset to talk about it since he was struggling to recover. And he certainly did not want to talk about it with Shigeru around.

Komaeda is about to go out, having already put on his coat and anything to keep him warm on the frozen planet. His aim is to be vague again but.....then Drake says he is worried. A happy feeling arises in Komaeda. Someone who calls him his friend is worried for him. It almost makes him smile...

But that's wrong, isn't it? Considering what he found out back home. Drake should not be his friend after all that happened. And yet he's worried what will happen if he says something. "You really shouldn't worry about someone like me, Drake-san. You've already done more than enough."

[braveoff]

Oh no you don't. Drake crosses his arms over his chest and moves to block the door, and if Komaeda really tries to push past him they're both going to have regrets.

"You've tried that line already, if it hasn't worked before it's not gonna work now. People can't just turn feelings on and off, you know. At least I can't. So how about you just explain what the hell happened, or at least tell me who I need to look out for if they show up here looking to hurt you again? I think I've earned an explanation."

[hoperulesdespairdrools]

Ugh, he really has blocked him. And while Komaeda has now recovered from his injuries, he hasn't been able to go out and Pell hasn't seen him so he's weaker. He grits his teeth in anger and frustration.

Komaeda is normally good at bluffing but considering he has spent the whole week trying to get better and being angry at himself for not being able to and being ashamed of himself in general for letting Drake find him, he was not in the state. Which makes it harder to say something convincing now.

But the last part - "At least tell me who I need to look out for if they show up here to hurt you again" - it's far from the truth. So far from the truth that Komaeda cannot help but burst into laughter.

[braveoff]

Wait, what? Drake blinks at Komaeda, thoroughly perplexed, not sure what he said that was so funny.

"...why are you laughing?" he asks, prepared for the answer not to come or not to make any sense when it does. Komaeda has a tendency to laugh out of context as well.

[hoperulesdespairdrools]

If Komaeda heard Drake, he makes no indication of it. "Ahahaha....if they show up....Hahahahaha! As if that were so simple. As if there really was such a person....!"

And then his laughter suddenly stops, as he suddenly comes to the realisation of what he's just said.

[braveoff]

Until now, Drake had been operating on the assumption that Komaeda wouldn't tell him what had happened because it was some kind of punishment for a thing he'd done. Now, though, the gears are turning. There was no such person he had to protect his friend from. There was only....

"...you? It was you? Are you saying you did it to yourself?" It's not just suicidal, though, it was theatrical. Staging. Drake frowns, studying Komaeda. "For fuck's sake, why?"

self-harm and suicidal talk here

[hoperulesdespairdrools]

He did it. The secret's out. Drake will hate him forever now. Komaeda wishes he could take back what he said. But that's impossible. Drake knows now.

Maybe the whole thing is fitting, considering what he and his classmates are.

"As I said, you don't need to worry about it." But the way he says that now has a whole different meaning. "After all, I had to, if I had to end the killing game and destroy the Remnants of Despair - every single one." And there is an empty giggle before he adds, "Even if it meant the cost of my own life."