hadriel_logs | Event Log: Dreamwalker

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Event Log: Dreamwalker

Who: Everyone!
What: The Dreamwalker event
Where: In your comfy bed and your sleepy head.
When: May 16th-26th
Warnings: Good dreams, weird dreams, bad dreams, straight-up nightmares. Please remember to tag for warnings in the header if things are going to be bad!

Have you been having trouble getting a good night's sleep? Tossing and turning, unable to rest those tired eyes? Or maybe you don't sleep at all, and never have. Not to worry! For a little while, you'll have no trouble at all falling asleep - in fact, as night falls, you'll find yourself overwhelmed with exhaustion whether you want to sleep or not. Lay down and rest your weary head, friends. Everyone could use a little extra sleep.

But what will your dreams bring? Something happy, images of a perfect day? Something hopeful, something you've wanted for a long time? Maybe you'll dream of anger, of the face of your worst enemy. Or maybe - just maybe - you'll have a horrific nightmare, and wake screaming, covered in cold sweat.

Not before others have time to see it, though. As you sleep, as you dream, the other residents of Hadriel, friends and enemies and people you've only met once, might find their way into your dreams. Or you might find your way into theirs - and then have to deal with someone's else's nightmares, or hopes, or anger. For the next ten nights, you'll find yourself either a host or a visitor, and no matter how you try you won't be able to stay awake once night falls.

Sweet dreams, Hadriel. Don't let the asshole fear gods bite.

► This log covers May 16th-26th.
► Feel free to make your own logs as well!
► Please tag headers of threads with content warnings where they apply
► Please put your character's name and open/closed in the subject line of your starters!
► You can't die in the dreams, but if you somehow manage to trip and fall and kill yourself getting out of bed, please report it on the death post.

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[ For a moment, Gansey thinks, what list? It comes back to him in stages, the memory of sitting in Blue's kitchen while she explained to them that her family kept a list of all the people whose spirits they'd seen on St Mark's Eve. Thinking of it now, he thinks that even then, he'd understood that his name must be on that list. He had understood a lot that he'd never clarified to his friends. That was probably unfair.

No. That was definitely unfair.

A long sigh leaves him. He leans forward a little, bumping his shoulder against Adam's. He isn't sure how Adam found out or when, but admittedly, he isn't very surprised. Adam is the smartest person he knows, and then some. If anyone was going to calculate that out, it would be him. And then, of course, he'd carried it like the burden it was, on shoulders that didn't deserve the extra weight. Blue had probably done the same. A smile quirks wryly at his lips. ]

You've nothing to apologise for. I knew. I knew since...since that night, when I recorded my own voice. St Mark's Eve. A spirit that appears that night is only there for one reason.

I just didn't want to tell any of you. I didn't want to face it at first, and then when I did, it didn't seem right to make you all face it.

It should've occurred to me that you'd already know. Blue does too, I suppose. And Ronan.

[He wishes hearing that weren't a relief, but it is. Adam doesn't want Gansey to have had his death hanging over him like that - he wouldn't wish that on anyone he cared about, especially not Gansey. But, selfishly, he's relieved that Gansey isn't blaming him, that he isn't getting angry. Adam didn't keep it from him on purpose, not this time - there was just never a good moment to tell him. Not with everything that's always happening here.

But now it's out there.]

Blue knew. I don't think she was going to tell anyone, but I guessed. Ronan didn't know until I told him recently.

[Which is to say, it's not Ronan's fault Gansey doesn't know. He was in the dark too, for most of the time, and since then Adam is pretty sure he hasn't said anything because he knows it should be Adam's responsibility. And that's right, that's how it should be.

He straightens up a little, turns toward Gansey, quietly earnest.]

I should have said something sooner. But, Gansey - we're going to find a way to stop it. I know you think it's inevitable, but none of us are going to stand by and let you die.

[ So Ronan had only known recently. Gansey finds himself glad about that. At least one of their friends hadn't spent months dealing with this burden. He doesn't feel happy that any of them were dealing with it. It doesn't feel like something that they should have to upset themselves over.

That's not realistic, though, and he knows it's not. He knows how he would feel if one of their lives was in danger. He knows because he's felt it before, when Ronan had been so close to death after the night horror had attacked him. For months, Gansey had thought that Ronan genuinely wanted to die, and he'd lived in fear every time his friend had disappeared. Now, he knows that things were not quite what he'd thought. His fear had been real, though.

And now they all feel it too, for him.

He sighs, while guilt tugs at his heart. ]

I don't want it to be inevitable. I'd be very happy to believe otherwise, I promise you.

But...we know this happens, Adam. It's already happened. Blue already saw my spirit. I don't think it's as simple as it not having happened yet, that's only our perception of it. How are we supposed to stop something that Blue has already seen to happen?

[He knows that Gansey has a point. He knows there really might not be any way to change things, that it might be inevitable, that they're going to lose him no matter what they do. Adam knows all that.

He just refuses to accept it. He can accept that it's a possibility, but even so, he can't lay down and give up. And is that any surprise, really? Has Adam Parrish ever been the type to lay down and give up? Of course not. He'll work himself to the bone for what he thinks is necessary, he'll make dangerous bargains and sacrifice himself and go to great lengths. This is no different than school, or getting out of the trailer, or making his own future - if anything, it's more important. It's Gansey's life.

He doesn't know how to make Gansey understand that. He's not sure it's possible.]

Just because Blue saw you, or because they put your name on the list, that doesn't mean it has to happen. We can change things. I mean - come on. Ronan can dream things into existence, I can talk to a magical forest, Noah is a walking ghost. None of that should be possible. Why can't this be, too?

[ Gansey looks at Adam with a strange kind of fondness. There have been so many times in the past when they would have been on the other side of this argument; Adam, holding to reason and caution and skepticism, and Gansey, talking of hope and uncertainties and possibilities.

Things have changed. Things have almost reversed. That doesn't mean it's not nice to hear Adam's hope. Gansey smiles at him, though it's a sad smile. ]

I think that I've been running away from my future for a long time, and at some point I have to stop running.

I'd like you to be right. I think if anyone could change this, it would be my friends. My Magicians. Even magic has its limits, though, Adam. If this isn't something that can be changed, I won't blame you. You have to know that.

[Gansey won't blame him, but Adam thinks he'll probably blame himself. Especially if the vision he saw in the tree is true - if it's his fault somehow. How could he forgive himself for something like that? He has to believe it's possible to stop it, to change it. Anything less is unacceptable.]

Sure. Stop running. Stand and fight instead. I'm not going to just stand by and let death have you.

[There's some ferocity in Adam's words. He pauses then, takes a breath and calms himself.]

I don't want you to act like it's unavoidable. Like there's nothing anyone can do. Even if it does happen, you don't need to embrace it. We can't lose you, Gansey.

[He thinks that Gansey must know that, on some level. Ronan is only alive because of him. Adam could be dead too, if things had gone differently. He's not going repay that by simply accepting Gansey's inevitable death.]

[ Gansey looks at him. He appreciates what Adam is saying. He appreciates it more than he can possibly make clear; his friends care for him, and he knows they do. Gansey is someone who constantly doubts his own worth in the eyes of other people. He's always afraid that they're going to walk away from him, that they'll slip out of his grasp. That's why he tries to hold them so tightly, which honestly can do more harm than good.

But there might come a time when he can't hold them anymore. That's something he thinks he's beginning to accept.

He doesn't know how to make them accept it too. He never wanted them to have to, not until after the fact. ]

But you might have to, Adam. There may not be any other way, and if there isn't, then I need to know you'll help each other.

You and Ronan. You're strong together, aren't you? You can be there for each other. And you have to make sure that Blue doesn't blame herself, after what she saw. It isn't her fault. You'll make sure she knows that, won't you?

[ You'll hold them together when I can't, won't you? ]

[He feels cold. He knows what Gansey is asking, and it's only what Adam has already tried to do. Gansey died once before, and Adam knows he doesn't remember that, and he thinks that's for the best. But after - Adam tried to keep everything together, tried to be the strong one, and it mostly worked. But when Gansey disappeared, when he went home, Adam tried again. It didn't work that time.

He doesn't know anymore if it would or not. If he could manage it. He'll try, of course - he can't do anything else. He'll try to lock away his own distress and keep Ronan level, make sure Blue doesn't blame herself, take care of Noah and whatever else he has to do. But how can he know if he'll be able to? How can he know if it will make any difference at all?

He's not Gansey. He has never been that sort of person, the kind who can be loved and followed so easily. He's only Adam Parrish, unlovable and too distant and cold to be a leader. He can't take Gansey's place, all he could ever do is try to hold things together and try not to shatter.

But he can't say no.]

Of course I will. I'll do everything I can. I'm not going to abandon them.

[That was never in question.]

But I'm not going to abandon you, either. I'm going to find a way.

[ Gansey holds his gaze steadily. He knows what he's asking, or at least he thinks he does. In truth, he only knows the barest part of it; that his friends had fallen apart when he'd gone home, before he came back here without memories. That he'd gotten here to find Noah a faded ghost, and Ronan and Adam at breaking point with each other. That's what he doesn't want for them. He wants them to support each other without him, because they need each other.

Adam's promise relaxes him. He nods, and leans back. ]

If anyone can, I think it will be you.

[ That gets a little smile. A genuine one, although it's sad. ]

You're always the man with the ideas. It's not that I don't believe in you. I'm just...preparing for the worst. I think I'd be a fool not to.

[He can see that it relaxes Gansey, and he's grateful for that, but to Adam it feels like a burden. There's no good reason for that, not when it was already true - not when he already would have done it without being asked. After all, he already has done it, and while it might not have been perfect, he would not hesitate to do it again.

But now Gansey's asked him to, and that makes things different. It gives everything more weight. It means that he can't fuck it up if it happens again.

He doesn't want it to happen again.]

I guess. But there's a difference between preparing for the worst and expecting the worst. I don't want you to walk through the world like you're already dead, Gansey.

[He doesn't think that's likely, but - you never know.]

[ That gets a wider smile, at least. ]

I’ve been at various stages of accepting this ever since St Mark’s Eve.

[ Which is a while back by now. The fact that he’d only really begun to accept it after Persephone died is immaterial; he’d known before that, dreaded it before that. Dreaded it the night he’d learned a sacrifice was needed to wake up the ley line, and he’d refused to do it because they hadn’t known what that meant.

Things have changed since then. ]

I’ve not lived life as a zombie since that time. I don’t want this to happen, Adam. I’m just prepared, in case it does.

[In the end, all he can do is accept it and continue what he's been doing - trying to find some way, any way, to save Gansey. At least they both know, now. At least they all know.]

It isn't going to.

[He says it one more time, with conviction. Then he looks at Gansey, and smiles just a tiny bit.]

I should let you rest.

[It's unlikely that either of them will sleep again tonight, after that dream. But Adam knows he needs some time alone to process, and Gansey no doubt does as well. There's nothing more he can do.]

[ Gansey holds his eyes for a moment, and then sighs. He nods. Telling Adam not to shoulder this burden wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. Adam would shoulder it anyway, because that's what he always does. And because they're friends, and that is what friends do. He can't ask Adam not to. ]

Okay. Though I don't think I'll sleep.

[ If he can help it, anyway. He thinks he's inflicted enough of his psyche on the house for one night. He glances back at Adam. ]

I might work on the model for a wile. No more dreams tonight.

I doubt I will either.

[Usually Adam is the one not afflicted with insomnia. After months - years - of never quite getting enough sleep thanks to school and work and everything else, he got used to stealing moments of sleep whenever he could. That's still true now, he rarely has too much trouble sleeping. But right now Adam thinks it'll be impossible even for him. He doesn't want to face what he might see.]

I can help. I mean, if you need another pair of hands.

[Naturally he'll give Gansey space if he needs it, but Adam wants to offer this as well.]

[ Insomnia had been Gansey’s curse for a long time. How strange, now, to feel that he needs its help.

On balance, he’s not surprised Adam wants the same thing. And it’s not that he wants to be alone. Gansey never wants to be alone, despite wanting to avoid inflicting his fears on anyone else. He nods, and slides off the sofa to collect the cans he’s been using to create the new model. ]

Always. I like the company anyway. These aren’t so pliant as cereal boxes, but they’ll do the job.

[ Of course, most of the tools he’s using for this have been scavenged either from the kitchen, or from the armory, as if anyone thought there was a real chance of Gansey using weapons the way they were intended. He pulls that collection closer too. ]

I’m halfway through the Library. We could start with that?

Sure. You'll have to tell me what to do, I'm not as experienced at this as you or Ronan.

[But Adam settles in, content to help Gansey out. It's a distraction, a way to stay awake, a way to banish that dream from his thoughts. And after all, Adam just likes spending time with his friend. Gansey is alive and here, and Adam can build some soup can buildings for him and try not to accidentally step on any of the others.

It's something. It's much better than laying alone in his room and trying not to fall asleep.]

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Event Log: Dreamwalker

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