Step, step right over the line

[casperdisaster]

Who: Noah and Gansey at first, later Ronan and Adam as well(?)
What: After roughly six months of hiding it from him, Noah's the one to tell Gansey about what he has waiting for him back in Henrietta.
Where: Raven Haus
When: 11/15 Evening
Warnings: Spoilers for The Raven Cycle so far.



Normally when Noah went to Gansey's room after they tucked in to bed he'd wait at least an hour first. Same with Gansey seeking Noah out. There was attempts to spend the nights alone rather than the comfort of company.

Noah couldn't stop thinking about it, though. Ever since he was talking to Bruce about Ronan being homesick. They'd been away from home for about six months now, give or take. Gansey only had... eight. At most. If the Technicians from before were to be believed, he still had all his time waiting for him when they returned to Henrietta, but it still weighted on Noah's mind for the last couple weeks.

Someone had to tell him. Neither Ronan nor Adam were going to.

Giving bad news made him sick inside, but Gansey deserved to know.

It was heavy material to think over when brushing teeth right before bed. Noah used the rest of the time to steel his will about it, not that he had much to be steeled. He couldn't wait, he'd chicken out if he did. Instead of turning the bathroom light off and heading to his room to at least try to sleep alone, he went to Gansey's door instead and knocked on it.

"Gansey? Um, are you still awake?" Noah called. It was probably a stupid question but ... it was possible the insomniac could have fallen right asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow tonight.

Comments

[greywaren]

"Jesus, I'm not going to- just- "

Ronan rubs a hand over his head, brushing at the stubble of his hair. He turns, paces a few steps away and exhales- clearly frustrated, clearly not knowing what to do. Ronan isn't the person who can make these sorts of decisions, he isn't the person who can plan and know how people will react. He just does- sometimes he does what he's told, sometimes he does what he wants. Thinking about other people like this doesn't come easy to him.

Still. He paces back, restless, and closes the distance between the two of them again, lifting an arm to poke his index finger against Adam's sternum. When he speaks, his sentences are clipped, his words short. He's trying to keep his calm, he's been trying, but Gansey dying, Adam being the cause of it, Adam knowing, carrying that- Jesus, Gansey dying at eighteen- can anyone really blame him for getting agitated?

"You're not gonna fucking kill him. You love him. You put up with me for a goddamn year because of Gansey. So here's what's going to happen: I'm not saying shit to him. You shouldn't either. When we go back, we go to Cabeswater. We find the tree, we find Glendower, we find Blue's crazy fucking family- whatever it takes. We figure out how this happens. And then you and I stop it."

[unknowable]

He doesn't move back when Ronan gets close, though he's not sure what to expect. Ronan's agitation is clear, and Adam can't fault him for it, not when he's just as shaken and confused. He doesn't want Gansey to know, doesn't want someone else to have a reason to doubt him, but - isn't it better to have more people watching him? Is Adam's desire to be trusted more important than Gansey's life? Of course not. It could never be.

But that's not all it is. He has to believe that he's going to stop it, and so does Ronan. They have to believe in each other, otherwise they're definitely going to fail, and then where will they be? And how can Adam continue on, knowing that Gansey will look at him and see someone who might betray him in the worst of ways?

He nods, a little jerky. Ronan is right. That's what they need to do, to keep Gansey safe and to keep themselves believing that it's possible.

"Okay."

It's true, really. The basic, essential meaning of it is true.

"We've done a lot of things that shouldn't be possible. And this - we'll do it. We'll keep him safe. We'll get the favor and - we'll fix this."

He's not sure whether he's trying to convince himself or Ronan. Adam's belief has been shaken, more than he'd like it to have been, but that doesn't change anything. He'll still do this. He has to. There's no other choice.

[greywaren]

"Good."

That Adam is listening to him, that Adam is acknowledging what he's saying, even if he doesn't quite believe it. It's alright, because Ronan believes it- he has to. If he doesn't, then this whole thing crumbles. It feels shaky right there, in the dark of the hall between the two of them, but he knows that they don't have another choice. This is what needs to be done. They'll do it.

He shakes his head, backs off a step or two, and exhales heavy through his nose, his mouth drawn in a tight frown. He's not good at this, but he tries, because the alternative is letting them all fall apart. The important thing here is that they made a plan. They know what they're going to do. Adam will probably make it better once he thinks it over, but even to Ronan's reckless, act-first sort of mindset, it seems solid enough.

Fuck, he is tired of thinking about this. It makes him want to hit something, to get drunk like he used to get drunk. It's not a choice he can make right now, but the impulse is there anyway. He tamps it down, swallows hard.

"I'm going to bed. You should too."

[unknowable]

"Yeah."

He's not sure he'll be able to sleep, but he isn't going to say that to Ronan, who after all has far more trouble with that than Adam does. He wishes recklessly that things were different, that he could ask Ronan to stay with him, because he knows that being alone with his thoughts is going to be - difficult. Frustrating. It's not that Adam wants anything besides company. He just misses the days when Ronan would sleep - or not sleep - on his floor, the cramped apartment above St Agnes paradoxically seeming a little bigger with him in it. They didn't talk much, mostly, but having a real person there instead of just Cabeswater's ghosts - well, it helped.

But he never asked that of Ronan then, and he especially can't now, with all that's between them. It would be the height of selfishness. And it's fine if Adam can't sleep. He has to plan, even if there's nothing they can do here, even if they might never get home. He has to make every plan that he can, to be sure that Gansey will be safe. Sleep will be a necessary casualty, until he exhausts himself too much to stay awake.

He doesn't like that any of this happened. But Ronan hasn't turned away from him, even if Gansey did, and Adam's goals haven't changed. Gansey might be angry, he might not trust Adam anymore, but Adam is going to keep him safe anyway. It's not a heroic impulse, not a kind one. It's pure stubbornness, probably, but that's fine.

"Thanks."

He doubts Ronan wants to hear that, and it feels awkward to say it, but - it needs to be said.

[greywaren]

Ronan brushes off the thanks with a shrug and looks away. There's still more to deal with- Gansey is still angry and Noah is still responsible and Adam is still going to worry over what will or won't happen, but for now- there's nothing else they can do but lay in separate corners of the house and pretend to sleep.

So he leaves, opening his door and slamming it shut because, to Ronan, slamming a door might as well be a punctuation mark at the end of a conversation- and this conversatin requires a particularly loud mark, even if he's not exactly angry with Adam. Besides, it can't wake anyone up if nobody is asleep, and if nothing else, at least Gansey upstairs can know that they're not talking shit anymore.

Chainsaw croons softly, a calming sort of noise, but Ronan ignores it. He hasn't slept in the same room as Adam since the last train car, when he'd crashed down on the floor near his bed. They'd all lived in the same house since then- being next to him when he might as well just be a room or two over seemed excessive, more invasive than visiting the tiny apartment above the church somehow, and so he hadn't. He doesn't now.

Instead, he flops backward into his bed, digging his palms into his eyes with a groan. Chainsaw flutters up to the bedpost and he ignores that too.

It's going to be a long night.