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[dedikated]

Who: Kate + anyone and everyone
What: Catchall log for June
Where: The clinic | the bar | spire 4 | riverside | caves & rage's temple
When: Any time this month, really!
Warnings: Alcohol, violence, injuries, the usual things + philosophies on killing


[wildcard | anywhere] come on hey brother, someone stop these kids

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[ right. It even has fruit pieces in it! Awesome and healthy. ]

Drinking helped a lot when I was younger.

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[ yes v healthy now drink your fruit booze bomb. ] Helps you forget. [ lord she has actually finished her pint already she has thought way too much about her old job recently. ]

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Lots of things, [ drop it shadow. Please drop that. At least he's drinking that.

... She might need something stronger, like a shot. So she gets one and knocks it back easily. ]

Want to tell me who Maria is? [ it's an invitation, not a demand. Although she's incredibly curious about her, about the reason for his anger. ]

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[ she doesn't say a word while he tries to find the words, it would be ridiculous of her - of all people - to say anything, to demand the words faster when she can't do the same. Instead, she waits until he's drinking again and thinks it all over.

She remembers the words, vaguely, the implications that she never made it and that's why he's so pissed at the world. Thry don't come clear, but she doesn't think that she's wrong in her impressions.

Sorry isn't even a thing to say. It's so cliche and pitying. It's the kind of trite phrase she had to bite her tongue and swallow the urge to say fuck you to. ]

She was killed? [ The notes of sympathy is her voice can't be hidden, however. ]

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[ More beer is seriously going to be needed for this conversation. So she starts drinking more. Because-

well... ]

Mine too. [ Not Maria, obviously. But Marc. She should never have just stood there, locked up by fear or not. She should have been able to deal with it. She'd been fighting for years by then; she'd fought through far worse sights and blood on her rather than just in her vicinity.

So why did she ever freeze, then of all times? After promising, promising to protect him. Swearing she'd deal with everything she doesn't want to just because he felt he needed this to move on.

She failed. ]

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[ She's drinking and god only knows Shadow saw enough in her dream to get the idea anyway. What's the point in pretending it didn't happen right now, when she plans on being drunk enough to forget this entire conversation anyway? ]

Maybe that's a good thing. [ Who is she kidding? That's definitely a good thing.

And no, nothing will bring them back, no matter how much they both bury themselves in guilt and regret. It's something Kate knows, logically, something she manages to accept most days.

At the minute, it's too hard to accept. The dreams have left his death too fresh in her mind to go about her day without thinking about the myriad of ways she failed Marc. ]

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[ ow, shads. That is flinch-worthy. ]

I don't remember. [ she blacked out for a length of time and doesn't even know what happened or how long it was. Her friends didn't seem to want to say anything about it. Carl just told her to snap out of it and stop ruining Marc's memory. ] Just- maybe it's a good thing we didn't destroy everything. [ Maybe, as much as she hates not having that honour, maybe it was a good thing she wasn't the one to kill Rosenberg. Maybe that wouldn't have done anything at all. ] Doesn't bring them back. It's just something to satisfy our egos.

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[ nah living in denial is better tbh. Kate's elbow presses against the table and she cups her chin in her hand, staying silent at all of it. She gets it... But...

No, she doesn't agree. Not if she really thinks beyond her own pain. Revenge ruined her best friend - her brother - and he died without ever fulfilling all the promise he had.

She doesn't want to fall into it too.

Kate takes another drink and doesn't bother to argue the point, just drains the glass. ]

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[ OH. That's a story.

One she does not want to tell. Going through the entire fact of quitting because they got the information - the name - they wanted, the fact that she and her friends kind of destroyed the management (and the fact that she, on multiple occasions during that battle, ignored Faith's wishes about not killing other Agents) of The Agency and ruined the UK's stability in a whole mess of ways. Going through the even more pertinent fallout - that she couldn't have returned even if she wanted to...

But there's one very simple reason she's never looked back on Agency work. ]

Never liked it. Wanted to do something useful with myself.

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Did I say that? [ Her tone is light, but not carefree. It speaks of the need to be careful what you say, Shadow, lest this evening becomes any more of a disaster.

...It's time for another drink. ]

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Depends on the mood you start in. [ There are times drinking is just fun, where things are terrible and indulgent and end in threesomes.

Then, there are nights like this. ] It'll go away soon. [ As soon as she can actually think of anything else. ]

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[ no, Shadow, you don't drink with people you hate. She thinks you're at least okay enough to talk serious shit with, which is a pretty positive level of okay. ]

Felt like having company. [ shrug.

Kate vaguely, vaguely recognises the voice in her head that says she needs to fix this. That she should be over these traumas by now, they're years in her past and she was supposed to have dealt with them. Isn't that what she was doing while training in Denmark? Handling the fear of blood and repairing herself?

Does she need an MOT or something? Great. ] You seemed better company than most for a night like this.

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[ oh there is a whole load of things she could ask, Shadow. But she supposes it's most appropriate to go for the one that is most relevant to their trip here. ] What happened? [ it can be refused, if he wants. She has no room to hold anything against a being not wanting to share their past trauma. ]