hadriel_logs | Event Log: Fourth Wall, Part Two

Entry tags:

Event Log: Fourth Wall, Part Two

Who: Everyone in the city + Fourth Wall visitors!
What: Part two of the fourth wall event, hosted by Sorrow, Rage, and Hope!
Where: All around the city
When: November 1st-November 7th
Warnings: Visitors from other worlds!

Welcome to Hadriel! Or, for those who have been here, please continue enjoying your stay. Perhaps you arrived here last week, and have been wandering around since then, making new friends. Or perhaps you've just arrived, and have no idea what's going on. You may have woken up in the colosseum, or near a temple, or in one of the numerous other locations in the city. You might be confused and frightened to find yourself in this underground city, or maybe you're just wondering why you haven't been sent home yet, when others have.

Whatever the case may be, the situation in the city has changed somewhat. There is still a gently glowing path leading you to a nicely-outfitted party, but the specifics of it have changed. If you're a new arrival, it'll be easy to follow the path and find the party - if you're not, well, the color of the light has changed, signalling that something's different. Maybe you want to check it out?

Around the clearing are gently glowing flowers, illuminating both the tables and the rest of the area, bright enough to make things clear even when the larger light at the apex of the cave is gone. On the tables are an array of different kinds of food - however, sampling this food will quickly make it clear that nearly everything is spicy, whether subtly so or with a burning heat. The cookies seem to have chili oil in them, the dip has jalapeno-like peppers. It's hard to find anything that won't burn your mouth a bit. If you're lucky enough to find something that doesn't, though, it will most certainly be somewhat bitter or quite sour. That doesn't mean the food tastes bad - if spicy and sour are your sort of thing, they're delicious! If you're looking for something more normal, though, you're out of luck.

Also on the tables are a variety of drinks, and these at least are not spicy. Instead, they're the sort of warm, comforting drinks that might remind you of home, of curling up in a soft blanket while rain falls outside. Warm cocoa, hot cider, teas of various flavors. Just the sort of thing to soothe a worried newcomer.

Decorating the area are various banners with welcoming messages saying things like 'HADRIEL' 'THIS IS A PARTY' 'EAT FOOD' and 'DO NOT DIE'. They are all identical, with large black block letters on plain white paper. They look very similar to something that you might print out on a standard office laser printer at the last minute if you have no discernible sense of humor or fun.

Scattered around can be found exciting party games such as pin the tail on the donkey and musical chairs. Here and there can also be found various pinatas of different types. Break them open, see what comes out! If you're really lucky it'll be candy - if not, it might be full of bouncy balls or cherry tomatoes. Good times!
_

Or maybe you don't like parties? No worries. The rest of the city has plenty of places to explore- maybe you'd like to stumble in our Silent Hill zone, have a quick look around the alien orchard, or check out any of the god temples that can inspire their chosen emotion. Be careful not to get lost in the tunnels leading away from the cave- none of them can actually move you above ground, but you may run into a few monsters on the way.

For those of you who came last week, here's your chance to help out newbies along with the people who have been here forever! Join in on the festivities if you like, or try to orient as many of the others as you can. Rule the newcomers at musical chairs, continue your fight club, pick up a second weird cave girlfriend and then watch as they dump you and hook up with each other! There's no end to the possible fun.
_

Enjoy the fourth wall event at Hadriel! Once you're settled in feel free to explore the rest of the city! Find a house, find a new monster, or simply scavenge for supplies.

Fourth wall characters do not enter with phones so they cannot reach the network- however, if you'd like to handwave that they somehow got ahold of Mello's Newcomer guide to avoid the 'where am I/what is this' sort of questions, then feel free!

Good luck, and enjoy your stay in Hadriel!

► This log covers November 1st-November 7th.
► Feel free to make your own logs as well! Fourth wall characters will not have posting access, so grab an in-game friend if you wanted to do anything separate from the main log.
► Fourth wall characters will be in the city for at least one week. If you want them to stay longer, our applications are now open!
► Please put your character's name and open/closed in the subject line of your starters!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Niall doesn't know him, so Niall doesn't know that Adam would never be tempted by that sort of thing. Oh, he thinks what Ronan and his father can do is incredible, he thinks sometimes that Ronan is closer to a god than a person, with an ability like that. He thinks that Ronan would probably dream him anything he asked for, because Ronan is a loyal person, because Ronan gives all of himself to the people he cares about.

But Adam would never ask. It's not out of a desire to not take advantage of Ronan - Adam has felt this way since the moment he learned of Ronan's ability, before this thing between them was set aflame. Adam doesn't even like accepting gifts from others, is still uncomfortable receiving anything he didn't earn with his own two hands. He's getting better at it, but the thought of actually asking for something, of using Ronan's power to benefit himself -

On a very basic level, the idea of it disturbs him. He doesn't know how to explain that to Niall, who doesn't know him, doesn't know who he is or where he came from.]

I think it's amazing.

[He answers plainly, because that part is easy enough.]

But it doesn't come without a price. It seems free, I guess, but what you do takes energy from the ley line. Too much, and you'll drain it. And there's a danger to being able to have whatever you want, whenever you want.

[He walks with Niall, keeping pace and keeping an eye out as well. Maybe there are no monsters - but maybe there are. You never know.]

Everything that I have is something I've worked for, something I've sacrificed for. There are strings attached to everything, even something you've pulled from a dream. Maybe it seems like you don't need anything else, but I don't think that's true.

[Niall isn't entirely sure what Adam means by the first part- he'd never learned about the ley line after all, never quite understood where the energy came from, or that he'd drained it to empty for years, building his home and his family and supplying them with all the riches they could ever want.

He's too smart to let that on though, and so he keeps quiet, filing that bit away for further thought and investigation when he... well, there'll be no remembering when he returns, but maybe he could bring it up to Ronan and see what he has to say. Looking ignorant in front of this boy is not particularly something that Niall wants, however, and so he says nothing.

He's not sure what to think of the other statements, though- that it's too good to be true, that Adam has worked for things in ways that are safer, more straightforward than just abusing the magic. In some ways, he thinks that it might be good, for Ronan to have someone who thinks this way- in some ways, he's disappointed by how limited it is.]

Do you think that Ronan shares your thoughts on the matter?

[Niall asks- but not to needle him or to cause him any sort of uncertainty, but there's a curiosity there that he hadn't had before. Not for the first time since arriving here, Niall wonders how much he really knows his son. Ronan had been a boy, in love with the dreams, understanding the weight of them and loving them relentlessly anyway. But the man he'd grown into, the real consequences he's had to face- who knows how that might have changed him?]

It's a burden, but a beautiful one. I'd hoped he'd come to understand that.

It's part of him.

[He doesn't know how else to explain it, not really. Dreaming is an essential part of Ronan, so while it might be a burden and it might be beautiful, neither of those things change the basic fact of it. That it's part of him in a way that transcends simple definitions like that. Even when it's dangerous, even when it's frustrating and useless, Adam doesn't think Ronan would give up the ability to dream the way he does. He doesn't think Ronan would even consider it.]

We're two different people, of course we think differently. I've dreamed with him, but I wasn't born to it like that. I think for Ronan, it's a part of him in ways that I can't understand. I have things like that, too.

[Adam can look at Ronan's ability with a more practical eye, a more cautious one, because he didn't grow up pulling things out of his dreams - the way Ronan didn't grow up in a trailer park that replaced love with bruises, so he can look at Adam's tenacity and see strength in it, rather than simply a need to get out.]

It's not something he would ever want to give up, but he knows it's not without its price, either.

[The night horror bodies they've buried, the scars on Ronan's wrist, everything that happened in Henrietta - that's enough proof that there's truth to what Adam says.]

[Niall nods quietly, thinking on his son and this boy beside him and all the things he'd learned since his arrival here into this strange and magical city. It's a difficult pill to swallow, but Ronan is here at least, and as much as Niall simply isn't used to the idea of someone like Adam being in Ronan's life, he can respect the boy for being who he is- a grounding force, maybe, someone that he himself never had, someone to keep him practical.

Insomuch as anyone could keep Ronan practical, despite the fact that Niall would have once found the idea of a pragmatic influence on their lives offensive. After learning what happens to him, after seeing what Ronan had become without him and with only a wild tangle of dreams to navigate through, Niall thinks that maybe being grounded isn't so much of a defeat. Dreaming wild will always be his preference, but look where it got him, look where it got the rest of his family.

He presses his lips together before nodding, ruffling at Adam's shoulder in the open, easy way that Ronan sometimes does.]

We'd better get back. Don't want Ronan to worry.

[But Adam had given him a lot to think about. And after this, he thinks that he has more of a measure of him, of the kind of influence he could be to Ronan. It's not like Niall's approval particularly matters in one way or another- but he does. That will have to be enough.]

[Adam tenses when Niall touches him - it's more the movement than anything, out of the corner of his eye from an older man he doesn't know well. Of course he doesn't actually think Niall would hit him. It's an instinct buried deep in his brain that he hasn't been able to purge yet.

He's angry at himself for it. Not that he thinks Niall would care - actually, he's pretty sure Niall won't notice at all, it's clear he's much more focused on Ronan than who Adam really is as a person, and that's how it should be - but because he always hates it when he's reminded that he isn't so very far from his past. Ronan's touch never bothers him, and most of the time he knows what to expect from other people, so that's not a problem either. But every once in awhile someone surprises him. He tenses or he flinches, and usually they don't notice or don't comment on it, but he always notices.

He nods, pushing it out of his mind.]

He'll be worried about you.

[Adam knows that's true. And he doesn't know how to feel about this at all - Niall is nice enough, but doesn't seem to return the devotion Ronan gives him in the same way, and that's fine except that Adam wants Ronan to be loved the way he deserves. It's clear that he cares, that he loves Ronan, but still he disappears. Niall is nice enough, except Adam thinks that he himself is not the sort of person Niall would want for his son. Niall doesn't know him - doesn't know about Cabeswater or the magic, about Adam clawing his way out of the trailer park on pure stubbornness - but Adam doesn't know how to feel about that, either, because it means Ronan didn't tell him anything about Adam.

He's nice enough, but frankly his presence makes Adam more insecure than he has been in months.

So he'll see Niall home, then he'll probably go back to the clinic, or out to the orchard - something to keep his hands and mind busy.]

It's not far.

[A week later, Niall is gone and Ronan has sulked in his room about it for long enough to break some things, wallow in bed, and drink himself stupid. He's past that now- past losing Niall for the second time- and soon enough, he drags himself up out of bed and into a shower, where he sits on the tile and lets the water hit his back for a little over an hour.

It's cold by the time he turns it off and gets dressed again, but he feels a little less likely to explode when he steps back out into the living room, where Adam has been reading.]

Hey.

[It's the first thing he's really said since the first night, when he'd cried like a fucking baby before passing out into a fitful dream full of pieces of scrawled-on paper just beyond his reach. But Ronan has taken his own time to process through things, and he's done now, he's here- and Adam is still with him. It counts for something big.]

[He's tried to be there when he can, while also giving Ronan the space he needs - which mostly means staying around the house, but leaving him alone. Ronan will come to Adam when he wants him. It's not easy, of course, seeing Ronan like that, but what else can he do?

He's not surprised that Niall is gone, but he's sorry for Ronan's sake. He's not sure about his own. He's been secondary in Ronan's life while Niall was taking it up, and after he left, so it's difficult to not hope that he can regain the majority of Ronan's attention now. But that's a selfish thought, and one he won't express.

He sets down his book and looks at Ronan, looking him over. He looks better. Dressed and clean and sober, and that's something. Adam was very worried about him - still is.]

Hey. I made some soup, it's on the stove.

[Ronan has felt Adam's lack of presence just as much as he's felt Niall's in the past few days- but, save for that first night, being alone had felt safer for both of them. It's not so much that he thinks he'll physically hurt Adam, but Ronan knows himself well enough now to know that he doesn't trust himself when he's in pain.

He nods though, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck with a wry smile.]

Thanks.

[The kitchen isn't far, and when he gets there, he starts to dish up a bowl.]

-have you had any yet? I'll bring you some.

[Ronan's feeling stable enough to smile, and that eases a knot in Adam's stomach that's been there for days. He didn't know Ronan when Niall died, didn't see what he went through, but the effects were there even when they met. He didn't know if this would be the same, if losing him again would be easier or worse.

It looks, to his relief, like it wasn't as bad. Which makes sense. Ronan surely knew that whatever this place gave, it would likely take away again. He's been through his before, and he's stronger now, more aware of himself and who he is.

Adam's just glad he's doing better.]

Sure, I could have a little. Thanks.

[He nods and tugs down a second bowl, scooping the soup that Adam had made into both of them, before rummaging around for a couple of spoons and lowering the heat of the oven down to a simmer.

Adam is waiting for him out in the living room, and Ronan knows that they don't have to talk about it if he doesn't want to. He likes that about their relationship- things can remain unsaid if they need to, things can just stay where they belong in the middle of the night with one of them curled into the other and trembling through it without words or communication.

He doesn't know if he wants to leave it there or not. He just wants to keep pushing forward, like he has been, like all of them have to do all the time, constantly, forever, it feels like.

So he moves back out into the living room and offers Adam a bowl after some hesitation, lifting up to perch on the edge of the couch with him.]

You been okay?

[He takes the bowl and moves over to sit near Ronan. He doesn't want to demand affection or anything - he just wants to be close, and to offer his support. He's missed Ronan. And part of him is still a little unsure, still doesn't know what Niall might have said about him. There's two people in the world who could make Ronan think twice about his choice, Adam thinks, and that's Niall and Gansey - and Gansey has already expressed to Adam that he thinks Adam might hurt Ronan someday.

A part of him is afraid that Niall may have told Ronan the same.

But that's beside the point. What matters here, in the end, is Ronan's pain.]

I've been fine. Did you get any sleep at all?

[He knows with Ronan that can sometimes be a tricky thing.]

[Ronan lets Adam move closer, judging the remaining distance between the two of them before he just sidles right up next to him, pressing their shoulders together with a soft sigh- though whether it's content or relieved is up in the air, the bottom line is that it's something positive, after all of this.

He nods at the question, stirring idly at the soup while he thinks.]

A little. I don't want to- [He frowns downward. Adam already knows what he doesn't want to do, so he goes back to the question.] -not too much. Enough.

[The spoon scrapes against the bottom of the bowl and Ronan presses his lips together, before nudging Adam in the side with his elbow.]

I missed you.

[Ronan's warmth next to him is soothing, and he hopes that his presence provides a little of the same comfort that he feels. He isn't going to pry too much - he isn't going to force Ronan to unburden himself if he doesn't want to. Adam knows neither of them find that easy.]

I was here.

[He doesn't mean it as a rebuke. He only wants Ronan to know that he stayed close, that he was thinking of Ronan even while trying to give him the space and time that he needed. His voice is quieter when he responds, though.]

I missed you, too.

I know.

[He admits it quietly- he knows that he's been neglecting Adam, and any of the space between the two of them is his own fault, but he couldn't help himself, not when he was given an opportunity like this. Still, he thinks that it might have hurt the other boy, and that sends a tinge of guilt through his selfish misery.

Ronan takes a bite of the soup, introspective, before he pulls his legs in a little tighter, not yet meeting Adam's eyes.]

I knew it wasn't going to last forever. I wanted all the time I could have.

I wanted you to have that too.

[He knows how much Niall means to Ronan, how important his father is to him. It's true, though, that it wasn't easy, it's true that it eroded some of the foundations of Adam's security. He'd gotten used to being the most important thing to Ronan, and then he wasn't, and he had to remind himself that that was how it should be. That he isn't owed Ronan's love and attention, that he can neither demand nor expect it. It's a gift, and one that he should only appreciate.

His struggle was mostly internal, and that's good, that's the best-case scenario, really. Because he did want Ronan to have time with his father, he didn't want his own feelings interfering with that. He wants to be able to support Ronan, he wants to be good for him, to not force things or be possessive or jealous. And mostly, he succeeded. Not because he didn't feel jealous, but because he didn't express it. That's a victory.]

I'm sorry you didn't have more.

[That's true. Adam knows how much Ronan loves his father. He doesn't understand it, but he knows it.]

[He opens his mouth- maybe to be dismissive, or to say that's not how this place works, or to end the matter entirely, but Ronan finds himself pausing instead, pressing his lips together and trying to consider how he actually feels about all of it.

Self reflection has never been one of his strong suits, but he's been getting better at recognizing his own emotions and... well, still letting them rule him, but at least understanding why instead of just rampaging through and then collapsing at the end of it all. And he's... well, he's devastated, of course, he'd taken the time to throw a tantrum his own way, and now he's just tired and aching.

His fingers tighten on the spoon and when he speaks, it's slow, vulnerable.]

I'm not who he thought I'd be.

You've changed since he knew you. You've grown a lot.

[And surely that must have been jarring. Niall was no doubt the same as Ronan remembered, not having time or a chance to change at all, but Ronan? Ronan must be miles from the boy he was. Adam never knew that boy, he only knows the Ronan he met, and how much he's changed even since then. Working his way past his self-destruction, finding himself.

And his growth would have made him see Niall differently too, Adam thinks. Or maybe that's not the case - he just thinks of himself, of the bone-deep fear his father used to inspire in him, how he would freeze and couldn't even think of leaving. He sees his father differently now, even if there's still fear there. Ronan must, as well.]

I like who you are.

[Ronan nods, holding the bowl in his lap so he can twist his fingers anxiously around one of the straps around his wrist, tugging hard at it so that it indents into the skin and turning it to pull tighter. He's not the person he used to be- and, if at fourteen, someone tried to think about who he'd become, he wouldn't be that person either. At fourteen, he had longer hair, an unmarred body, he was dangerous and magical and bright, in the way that a fox might be bright- not this thing he'd become, something darker and sharper and angrier.

In a way, he'd always had it in him. In a way, that was all he had left when he'd lost everything else, and so it had grown faster and further than the rest, and since he'd never learned how to temper it, since Niall had never taught him how to leash himself, he was never able to really stop it.

And now he's this. Whatever this is.]

I like you too, [he finally says, unsure of how to keep going in that painful vein, so he pulls back and diverts the conversation somewhere else, lifting his gaze to meet Adam's eyes again.]

He did too. I was- I don't know, not worried, but...

[He shrugs, not entirely sure of how to end that without it sounding bad, so he doesn't, and lets Adam draw his own conclusions.]

[Adam understands. He's not a likable person, not really. At first glance he's probably the sort of person a parent might want their child to date - polite, hard-working, not prone to getting in trouble. But he's distant, difficult to connect with, and full of hidden sharp edges and insecurities. And Niall - he's not the sort of person who cares much about politeness. Likely that would be a mark against Adam, if anything, with the careful distance it puts between him and other people, the way it cedes power to them.

Adam never expects to be liked. That Ronan does is a bit of a miracle. He's not sure Niall actually did, but then, he doesn't know what the two of them talked about. Not him, he doesn't think, not much. Niall didn't seem to know anything when they spoke, beyond the very basics.]

You think he liked me?

[His voice is neutral, careful. He isn't sure whether to hope for that or not.]

I don't think I'm what he wanted for you.

Well, I'm sure your dick was a surprise.

[Ronan says with a spurt of his usual crassness- it's instinctive enough that it surprises even him and allows some small amount of humor into their conversation. Humor is good, it helps him look over toward Adam a little longer, it helps the corner of his mouth twinge upward, even if the subject hurts.

Which is really the majority of what he'd originally meant. Oh sure, Ronan knew that Adam was not the kind of person that Niall typically thought highly of, but Niall was charismatic and charming and he befriended everyone anyway.

In truth, Ronan can't read his father very well, even now, but he knows that whatever he felt toward Adam, it wasn't negative.]

He- [Ronan goes quiet rather suddenly, pressing his lips together, before continuing,] -he said you reminded him of a carpenter. Like, an artist, but- measuring twice all the time.

[That makes him smile, though maybe he shouldn't be encouraging Ronan's worse habits. But, well, it's not untrue, and seeing Ronan smile even a little soothes part of Adam.

He puts his now empty bowl down on the ground by their feet so that he can lean into Ronan a little more.]

He said that?

[It's... honestly, it's nice. It's not something Adam has ever considered about himself, but of all the comparisons he could have gotten, it does ring true. He is careful, cautious, the type to think things over and be certain of what he's doing. He doesn't know if Niall meant it as a compliment or not, but Adam will choose to take it as one.]

I'm no artist, but - maybe that.

Edited 2017-01-08 06:43 (UTC)

Everyone's an artist to him.

[Ronan explains, even though as he says it, he realizes that it might not ring perfectly true. Declan, after all, never was. But Ronan pushes that thought from his mind and instead sets his own bowl aside as well, half-eaten, and reaches for Adam's fingers to twine them around his own.

He lets out a soft exhale, leaning his head onto Adam's shoulder. Ronan doesn't really know how to give words to the tangled up emotion inside of him, but it means something, and it's something bigger than anything else he's realized in a long time.]

...I don't think he had all the answers.

[Ronan whispers it, like it'd be a sacrilege to say out loud, his fingers tightening on Adam's hand. It's a shift from underneath him, from inside him, that the stability that had guided him through his early life and left him cold and screaming in the past few years wasn't as solid as he'd always known. It isn't so easy to change his mind on the matter- Niall Lynch was everything, a cornerstone of Ronan's life, a large piece of who he is, the origin of his devotion and his magic and his love, and the thought that maybe he wasn't a god among men is almost too overwhelming to even consider.]

[Adam pulls away, but gently, only so he can turn and lean against the arm of the sofa, tug at Ronan's arm so he'll come too. He's propped up, not quite laying down, with enough room between his legs for Ronan to lay there, to rest against his chest, if he wants. Adam wants to give him comfort, wants to hold him.

He doesn't know what to say, though. Ronan worshiped his father, thought he was everything, while Adam always feared his. He can't understand how Ronan feels, not really - or maybe, from the other side, he does. For so long, and even now, he's believed the things his father thought of him, even when he logically knew they weren't true. Maybe it's not so different.]

He might have when you were a child. But you grew up, and you found your own answers.

[Niall is a decent person, but Adam likes Ronan better, he likes who Ronan is, his fierce loyalty and his steadfast nature. He never has to worry about Ronan disappearing on him, lying to him. To Adam, trust like that is vastly important. He would never have been able to trust someone like Niall.]

That doesn't mean he was wrong. Just different.

[It takes Ronan a few moments to get with the program, but once he realizes what Adam is trying to do, he leans in easily, resting on his elbows on either side of Adam's waist and letting his head settle against the warmth of the other boy's chest. He can hear his heartbeat like this, soft and regular, and the steady beat of it is more calming than anything else he can think of right now.

Of course it's difficult to reconcile the Niall Lynch of Ronan's childhood and the man that Ronan saw him as after living so long without him. Ronan knows that this can only be because he changed- Niall stayed static, frozen in his death and forever unchanging past that last moment on his driveway. He doesn't know if he likes it or not- being different than he was, seeing his father as more of a man than anything divine.

He turns his head, smothering his face for a moment in Adam's chest at that particular train of thought, as if trying to shake out a bad idea, before letting out a long breath, humid and pressed into Adam's shirt. His words are muffled, of course, but the feeling behind them is genuine.]

I don't know what to be without him.

[It's shockingly honest, for once, a summation of what he's feeling rather than blunt, short words to fit uncomfortably around the problem. Ronan has been chasing after the shadow of Niall Lynch his entire life- even after his death, everything had been about him. Following the paths he'd set, reclaiming the home he'd created, taking care of the animals he'd imagined, untangling from the black market mess he'd left behind, everything in his footsteps, and Ronan doesn't know if he was trying to make him proud or trying to be him but he knows now that being Niall Lynch wasn't at all what he thought it was, and vying for the approval of a man who now seems more like a boy than Ronan himself feels- juvenile.

It's not so much the physical death of him that rattles Ronan as much as the sudden realization that he might not be someone to fit at the center of a universe. He might just be a man- and what is Ronan without that cornerstone? Where does he go if he's not guided by the ghost of someone who knows so much more than him?

But that's just Niall Lynch for you. Integral, imperfect, dead.]

I don't think I ever did.

[His shoulders draw up tension and he curls fractionally into Adam, his face still buried in the other boy's shirt, more like hiding now, in some childish attempt to pull himself together before Adam can see the cracks in his expression.]

Edited 2017-01-08 16:48 (UTC)

[He lets his arms settle around Ronan, a loose embrace so that Ronan knows he's there without feeling stifled. One hand rests on Ronan's back, the other comes up to gently brush over Ronan's short hair. He doesn't need to see the cracks. He knows they're there, and he won't acknowledge them aloud, because he knows that neither of them likes to have their vulnerabilities broadcast. But he wants to be here for Ronan.

It's still difficult for him to understand. He tries to come at it from the other way, reminding himself how much his own father has shaped him. Through fear rather than worship, but it isn't any less real. But Ronan has always held onto his father as a symbol of his powers, his family, his future, while Adam only ever wanted to get away. It's not the same, but it helps him have some idea of what Ronan means.

Adam's quiet when he speaks.]

I didn't know you before he died. This is the only you I've ever known, a you without him. Shaped by him, sure, but you're something else.

[He doesn't know if this is the right thing to say, but all he can do is be honest and try to choose the words that will help. Even if it only helps a tiny bit. So he chooses his words with care, and his tone shows that, short pauses between words here and there as he tries to express what he's thinking.]

I don't think you have to know what to be. I think you can just... you can just try to find out. I think you've already done so much of that.

[His fingers are gentle on Ronan's scalp.]

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