hadriel_logs | death ain't nothin but a heart beat away (closed)

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death ain't nothin but a heart beat away (closed)

Who: boss & kaz
What: keeping people who hate you from dying of hypothermia: a guide
Where: kaz's place
When: during red snow
Warnings: boss' general callousness and kaz's general rage (edit: now with an extra spicy helping of torture talk)

It was surprisingly easy to give Miller his space after their argument (well, more like Kaz telling him to go to Hell, but details). While John had managed to secure enough supplies that he wouldn't struggle, the situation was still hardly what one would call comfortable. Even someone like him, who was used to sleeping on the hard ground and eating shit, military rations. He still had a lot on his plate to deal with day-to-day.

Of course, while John had stayed out of sight and didn't try to carry a conversation, that didn't mean his (former?) friend was completely out of mind. Kaz didn't want to see him? Not a problem for a man that had spent most of his life living in the shadows. He had managed to find out where he was living, made sure he was able to survive on his own. Kaz was extremely capable, enough so that John was confident in the man's abilities even sans two limbs. Still, though, this was a situation a little out of their depths, Kaz even more so. After all, the man had never been thrown into the middle of a jungle with bare-minimum supplies and been told to survive. Big Boss wasn't going to proverbially hold Miller's hand in this situation, especially when it was so unwanted, but that didn't mean he was going to let the man suffer.

Then it snowed and the cave froze over.

So there John is, at Kaz's door, totally not about to engage in proverbial hand-holding, with supplies to start a fire. He knocks after a moment of thought, deciding that it would probably make his old friend more agreeable if he doesn't just barge in. Room 101; hopefully what's in there isn't the worst thing in the world.

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Room 101, indeed. It's not like Kaz missed the coincidence there, and while he hadn't gone so far as to call this situation torturous before, now that the cold has set in he's getting to that breaking point.

There's a lot about this place that is frustrating, that much is for sure. Even navigating the city is difficult because so much of it is in disarray, destroyed and left dilapidated. Trying to find a clear path to any other part of the city can be a task in itself, and Kaz has been left to wonder what exactly happened here. They've been brought here to inhabit a ghost town, and there's no denying there's something eerie about it.

Still, he'd been managing, heading out each day to gather up more supplies. He'd even stopped by the river to try and fish there, as had been suggested by Cecily, and had actually snagged a few. Cooking on the stove has thus far proved the least problematic.

The cold, though... there's only so much that Kaz can do to counteract that. He's layered himself in clothing and stripped all three of the beds in his apartment, huddling under the blankets to stay as warm as possible. Hibernating seems to be the only option available to him at the moment. Heading out into that blizzard in his state would be tantamount to a death wish.

He's not expecting the knock. Maybe it's some concerned neighbor wanting to check that he isn't dead, but Kaz is roused from his half-asleep state by the rapping. As he sits up, he realizes it's a familiar knock.

With a grunt of annoyance, he grabs for his cane, keeping one blanket wrapped over his shoulders as he hobbles to the door. The cold only makes his various body aches that much worse, but he wrenches the door open and finds...

Snake. Of course.

Noting the supplies in his arms, it's obvious what his intention is here. Even so, Kaz pulls a face. "What, taking pity on me now?" It's hard to imagine that Snake actually feels bad about any of what they talked about last time, so this gesture seems forced.

"You know I don't do pity." Only mercy, and only when he felt like it. Just as The Boss had taught him, John knew the only way to teach anything worthwhile was through pain and struggle. He never pitied any of their men, never coddled them. The world wasn't nice; he wasn't going to try and pretend it was.

Another reason why he refused to apologize or be the guilty part about what happened to Kaz. It was regretful that Ocelot had lied to both of them, made Kaz believe Venom was him and John believe that Kaz had been told everything, but it was for the good of the mission. The end goal. Miller was angry now, but Big Boss was confident that, with time, his pride would cool and he would get over this hurdle. They could go back to working side-by-side and not in contempt.

"It's cold, the apartments have no heating, and I don't want you to freeze. It's as simple as that." The level of seriousness of the situation should have been plain to see, with John dressed the way he was. Even in the heart of Russia, the cold had never prevented him from walking around shirtless if he so chose. But here, in the cave, there wasn't even the warmth of the sun to help fend off this new level of freezing. The sleeves of his BDU top are, for once, rolled all the way down to his wrists. Underneath it, instead of just his regular long-sleeve shirt, there's a dark sweatshirt laid over it. Thicker gloves cover his fingers. Hell, he's even wearing sweatpants underneath his fatigue pants. "Do you want a fire or not?"

Mercy is something that Snake has given Miller before, if their first meeting could count as that. Given what Kaz had tried to pull with the grenade, Snake had been well within his right to end his life right then and there, and there's no doubt that he would have been capable of it. Mercy is how Snake has drawn countless people to his side, and Kaz can't help but feel like a fool for having fallen for it just the same as everyone else.

Then again, he'd put up one hell of a fight before he'd decided to work with Snake instead of against him.

Now it feels like they're back at square one, but this gesture is something like an olive branch. Wanting to make sure that he doesn't freeze to death is really the least that someone should expect from a friend, but Kaz has been left to examine if they'd really been friends in the first place. Maybe he'd just been deluding himself that whole time, back in the Caribbean.

Unfortunately, he isn't in any position to refuse. Snake came to him, which is at least some kind of step in the right direction. So after a few drawn out seconds of consideration, Kaz heaves out a breath and steps back to let Snake inside.

"Just down burn the place down," he cautions.

"Jury's still out on that," is the smartass remark John feels is necessary before he waltzes past the threshold. While Big Boss had casually stalked Kaz to find out where he was going to live, he hadn't resorted to a breaking and entering to get a feel for the place. It made sense that with his missing leg Kaz wouldn't venture further than the first floor and John could only hope that the three-bedroom places weren't much different. He contemplates asking Kaz which bedroom he's sleeping in, but maybe that's a little forward.

He'll figure it out.

Although the shock of seeing his friend again after all this time has worn off, now the atmosphere between them is charged with the innate sense of something off. One can chalk it up to the fact that Miller probably would prefer him burning in Hell, but it's deeper than that. At least for him. Kaz might've thought their friendship was hollow all those years ago, nothing more than convenience, but John had never allowed people so easily into his life like that. Not after being spurned by the ones he had trusted most. John could never discard Miller so easily, no matter what his former second-in-command wanted to desperately believe. The rift between them has messed up the dynamic John had become so attuned to. He doesn't know what to say anymore, how to act. Not that he ever acted especially different around the man, but now it has to be more professional. Detached.

The Boss always did tell him he had problem getting too close.

Building the fire sweeps out unnecessary thoughts about where their relationship has gone. He just needs to focus on keeping warm. John picks the bedroom with the door open and sheets actually thrown on a bed to start setting up the make-shift pit. From there its all checklists and muscle memory, setting down the kindling and tinder in a pile, building the pit. It's not a particularly big pile of wood, enough to get the room warm and cast light on the walls. When he's ready to set the fire, John lights his last cigar, using the ember for a spark in the tinder. The flame swallows the dried out wood in moments and, despite everything, the two of them have a good fire going.

That smartass comment might have charmed Kaz once upon a time, but now it only aggravates him. Snake must be pretty full of it to think that he can still joke around like everything is fine between them. The only reason that Kaz allowed him into his living space at all is because it's a life-or-death situation.

He follows after Snake as he picks out a room to make the fire (the one he's been sleeping in, somehow he'd managed to figure that out), cane clacking as he sets a quick pace all things considered. It's the first time they've seen each other since Kaz's first day here, but he can only assume that Snake has been keeping an eye on him all the same, the sneaky bastard. What's he supposed to even make of that?

While Kaz has met a few other people here, nothing has gone past initial introductions and some basic questions about their situation. They're essentially on their own in this bizarre cave city, except for each other, but that's a dangerous thought. Kaz will never rely on Snake for anything ever again.

Except that he's doing that right now. But it's only because Snake showed up here and more or less forced it on him.

It doesn't take long for Snake to get the fire going. Despite the coma, he doesn't seem to have slowed down one bit. With an annoyed grunt, Kaz takes a seat by the fire, plopping down on the floor with his cane laid out next to him. He tugs the blanket closer around him and watches the flames and thinks about other times when he'd sat around a fire with Big Boss. It feels like another life; he'd been a different person then, hadn't he?

Noticing how Snake takes a drag off of that cigar, Kaz frowns and shakes his head. "I'm surprised you were able to find any of those around here." When it comes to supplies, he's managed to scrounge up clothes, food, and some medical supplies, and that's about it. There's not much in the way of creature comforts.

Gloved fingers wipe at the melting snowflakes in his beard, little flecks of water disappearing into the fire. Being so wrapped up in his own head had made him completely forget the blizzard he had waded through to get here. He must've really looked like a mountain man coming in from all that snow. John's about to repeat the process to his hair (which is getting a little long, if he has to be honest), but Kaz's voice pierces through the veil of the useless noise in his head.

The cigar is still sitting in his mouth, the rich flavor settling on his tongue and making him feel a little warmer. Too bad it's not a good glass of whiskey instead. "I didn't," John answers immediately, pulling his fingers through snow-drenched hair. A cloud of thick smoke floods out from between his lips when he takes the cigar between his fingers. "I had a few on me when I got dropped in."

After a week, Big Boss had figured out pretty quickly that anything extraneous he would have to ration. Bullets, lighter fluid, his cigars. Even the few pieces of gear on him he had been extremely careful with. If it broke, there was little chance of replacing it in the cave. Considering everything that's happened thus far, he's amazed he's been able to keep his cigars around for this long. "This is my last one. Guess I was a little more stressed than I thought."

It's true, Snake does look like a hermit who's been holed up in the wilderness rather than a civilized person, but that's not exactly outside of the norm. The amount of times that he'd shown back up in Mother Base looking like he'd taken a mud bath...

But no, Kaz shouldn't be reminiscing. That's a time that he can never get back to, and dwelling on it now will only make him vulnerable. He's already regretting that he let Snake into his apartment, but he doesn't make any move to kick him out either. If he's really going to carry out his promise of sending Big Boss to Hell, he's going to need to be stronger than this.

They're on the same side here, and he doesn't know what to do with that.

Snake's enjoying his last cigar in Kaz's presence, and he shouldn't get sentimental about that either. It's not a conscious choice on Snake's part, he reminds himself. Snake's not emotionally intelligent enough for that.

"Well, we've got some professed god trying to milk fear out of us. I think that's pretty conducive to stress... even for you." Kaz continues to watch the fire instead of studying any of Snake's expressions, knowing that he'll end up reading too much into them. If anything, this interaction is only proving how much everything between them is broken.

"Well, he's doing a piss-poor job. A blizzard's not exactly panic-inducing material." Honestly, since he had been here, Fear had only come around one other time. The so-called god had tried to get them to incite fear in other people in exchange for some kind of reward. John had still been skeptical about both Hope and Fear at that point, taking no part in their grandstanding. In the end, it seemed only Hope had stuck to his word, giving them the clinic they had asked for.

Not for the first time, John wondered if they could effectively play both sides. Either to destroy each other or to give them, as in the people trapped here, the upper hand.

"It's more...everything else." Like thinking about everything he wasn't accomplishing, being forced to practically stand still. And there was nothing he could do about it, realistically. No trigger he could pull, no one he could kill, no espionage he could do that would get any of them out here. This was a war of attrition and, for once, John felt like he was on the losing side.

While Kaz was very deliberately not looking at John, Big Boss was doing the exact opposite. He hadn't exactly gotten a good look at Kaz the first time they had been together here and any spying was quick, to the point. Now that he was looking at him, it was finally clear how unkind this ongoing battle with Cipher was to Miller. Never mind the missing limbs; Kaz was not the same man. Had it really on been 9 years or had a lifetime slipped away while John had slept?

"It might be for some," Kaz pointed out, although he wasn't in the right state of mind to make that much of an argument. Normally he might have picked a fight just for the hell of it (because Big Boss was still on his shit list, because he needed to lash out, and for any other number of reasons), but the cold had left him sluggish, worn out.

Snake's actual explanation turned out to be pretty vague, and as the silence stretched on, broken only by the crackling of the fire, Kaz lifted his head to meet that one-eyed stare. What did Snake mean by "everything else"? Did Kaz's behavior toward him play into his stress level at all, or did he care that little?

The silence continued for a few more seconds, and then Kaz sighed heavily.

"We're essentially prisoners. I know this isn't your first time being captured, but usually it isn't for such a long stint." Snake had managed to wriggle out of Strangelove's hold in record time, and Kaz had heard the tales of Operation Snake Eater, how even after being beaten to a bloody pulp and losing his eye, Snake had still escaped Groznyj Grad. Then again, he'd had spies on the other side to help him out.

The fire had started to warm the room, and Kaz let the blanket fall from his shoulders to pool in his lap as he leaned back on one arm.

Edited 2016-01-15 21:56 (UTC)

"At least our cells are nice," John manages, in that uniquely dark sense of humor he has. Honestly, he would rather be tortured again than be stuck in this place any longer. It's not hard to live in Hadriel, at least not for him, but it's not a battlefield. It's not home.

Thinking about being a prisoner only makes him think about the times he had been. It's been 20 years, but he still has dreams about the interrogation room at Groznyj Grad. That hadn't been the first time he had been tortured. No, those times had all belonged to The Boss. His first waterboarding, his first broken bones, his first sensory deprivation, all of it. But Groznyj Grad hadn't been a training environment and The Boss hadn't been in control of the situation. His breath still seizes in his chest when he thinks about her knife not even an inch away from his eye, the struggle clear in her face as she prepared to cut it open.

Even his time with Strangelove and her electrocution torture had only brought him back to that room. John remembers deliriously thinking that the shock wasn't as bad as Volgin's. Of course, when you have a couple thousand volts running through you, it all initially feels the same.

But instead of talking about it or commenting on the fact that this is probably one of the better kidnapping situations he's been in, Big Boss just quirks his lips up a little. He exhales the smoke that's been building up on his tongue with a chuckle. "And Ocelot's not here to shoot me, either."

Edited 2016-01-20 06:06 (UTC)

"If only I could get the microwave to work," Kaz grumbles to himself as he glances in the direction of the kitchen. It would have made heating his food that much easier, although at least the stove doesn't have any kind of special trick to it. Still, he has to admit that in terms of living situations, he's experienced worse.

It doesn't make him any more eager to stay here, though, and he imagines that Snake would agree with him on that.

Kaz had also spent some time as a prisoner, but it's not something he wants to talk about either. It will only make his anger toward Big Boss start anew, as that had been the point of no return for him. If only it had been Big Boss who had actually come after him in that bunker...

But what's the point in dwelling on what-ifs?

The moment that Ocelot's name comes up in conversation, Kaz looks as if he's just sucked on something sour, all too visible with the firelight cast on his face. Useful as Ocelot might have been in this situation, Kaz has been enjoying the time away from him. "Leave it to you to somehow stay friends with the guy who shot your eye out," he remarks with a dismayed shake of his head. That's the thing about Snake. He's a strange kind of forgiving, at least with certain people. Kaz has come to realize that he personally isn't, although Hadriel may leave him with no choice.

"Says the man who tried to blow us both up with a grenade." John's comeback is whip-quick and without any hostility. He's actually somewhat fond of the memory. Sure, he was running wetwork for a country he had no ties to, and the battle against Miller's ragtag guerillas hadn't exactly been a cakewalk, but it hadn't been the end of the world. John had been drifting from skirmish to skirmish for the better part of that year, having just left the Patriots towards the tail end of 1971. He had no goals, no greater purpose, except to stay off the grid and out of Zero's grasp. Staying out of sight meant he had to cut all ties with anyone he knew, including Adam and all of the loyal soldiers in FOXHOUND who had become like family to him.

He remembered how lonely and listless it had been. Living day to day like that, practically on the run, wasn't good for anyone.

But that November in 1972, he had found Kaz and purpose. Whatever their relationship now, John would never regret bringing Miller into his life. Even if the man sitting across from probably felt the exact opposite.

"The terms ally and enemy are only relative to me. There's no such thing as an absolute," John begins after a period of silence, taking a long pull of his cigar. "Ocelot shooting my eye out has no bearing on my trust in him. Just like you working with Zero in secret has no bearing on my trust in you." He makes sure to use has, not had. Kaz hadn't known the whole story back then, probably doesn't even know the whole story now. Despite the cold shoulder, John still trusts him even now. "You're either with me, Kaz...or you're not. It's as simple as that."

Well, it looks like Snake got him there.

Maybe some people might look back on a desperate action like that and feel ashamed, but not Kazuhira Miller. He can still recall it like it was yesterday. That, after all, had been the day that his life had changed completely -- both for the better, and for the worse. He remembers being laid out on the hard ground, the grenade wedged under his back. He remembers thinking, If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me, you bastard.

Even after Big Boss had defused his grenade, it had been one hell of a fight before Kaz had actually agreed to join him. Not that he'd been left with much of a choice, in the end. He hadn't even been bitter about that, as MSF had turned out to be exactly what he'd needed, but it's after its destruction that everything went to hell.

Snake manages to take every complicated emotion Kaz has felt over the past nine years and package it up into a simple statement. Kaz shakes his head to himself as he watches the fire eat up the logs. "Yeah, well, I regret ever making any kind of deal with him, believe me." He bows his head to massage at the back of his neck. "I know what you're thinking. That I should just forgive you already." He drops his hand to the floor again and finds Snake's gaze. "But I'm not like you, Snake." He can't simply brush off the hurt and betrayal he'd felt when he'd returned to Mother Base after his rescue.

Admittedly, John couldn't argue that Kaz was wrong. It wasn't so much that he wanted his friend to forgive him, he understood why Miller would be adverse to doing so. It was more like he wanted Kaz to move past what happened, if only so they could work together again. To him, those two things weren't mutually exclusive, although he was unsure how to explain. Maybe it was because of the lifestyle he had been leading since he was 15. John was no stranger to burying thoughts or memories so deep in himself they'd never see the light of day if it was for the good of the mission.

"If you want to hate me, that's your choice," he concedes. Most people might try to extend more of an invitation to work on patching up a relationship. They might ask what they can do to have forgiveness one day. Big Boss doesn't.

Instead, he breathes out smoke, a heavy sigh, like he's gearing up for something. It's obvious the gears are turning in his head, thinking of some way to explain how he feels about this rift between them. With the fire at its peak, the room warm, John removes his BDU top before he continues and pushes the sleeves of the sweatshirt up his forearms. Leans back on one arm, relaxing. "I don't know how much you know about my...clones, but it was the reason I finally burned my bridge with Zero. There was a woman Ocelot and I were working with named Eva. I thought we were friends, but who really knows? Anyway, she went behind my back and volunteered to be the mother for Zero's experiments. When I found out..." The end of his cigar glows bright red as he draws in deep and releases. He still gets angry thinking about it. "I think that's the only time I've ever been that angry. We weren't friends anymore after that. She wanted me to be something I never could and abused my trust. I didn't talk to her again until after she sent me those tapes that you gave me.

The point is, we ended up working together again after that. We were never more than just two spies sharing information, but we got over our hurt feelings. We were a stronger force together than apart." The cigar is nearing its end, only just a short stub at that point. He enjoys one last pull before flicking the stub into the fire. John fixes Kaz with a heavy gaze, betraying nothing except curiosity. "What I'm saying, Kazuhira, is level a gun to my head and think about blowing my brains out all you want. Just don't pull the trigger. Not until we finish what we started."

Miller wishes that it could be as cut and dry as pure hate. That he could just decide he no longer wanted anything to do with Big Boss, and leave it at that. Maybe he would have been able to pull that off if it hadn't been for Hadriel forcing them into the same (relatively small) space. He could have spent years letting his anger and bitterness grow until any shred of the fondness he'd had for Big Boss was gone.

Yet here they are. Kaz watches as Snake strips down, his lip curling in something close to distaste. He's doing that on purpose, isn't he? Making himself comfortable, like he's welcome here. Then again, Kaz is the one who'd let him in, but what else was he supposed to do when there's a blizzard raging outside, when the winds are blowing hard enough to make the whole spire shake?

While Big Boss is nowhere near as quiet as Venom, he isn't a huge talker either, so when he opens up like this there's really no choice but to listen. As it turns out, Kaz knows a fair amount about one of Big Boss' clones, and he's pledged himself to the other, although that idea is still in its infancy. He stays quiet for now, though, waiting for Big Boss to finish.

Somehow he's gotten caught up in that magnetic pull of his again. Still, he doesn't have to like it this time around.

Of course Kaz remembers the tapes from Eva. He'd listened to them, and he suspects that Snake knows that too, simply because he knows him. Most of it had been about the Boss, that legendary soldier that no one seems to be able to get over.

It's rare for Snake to ever use his full name, so it's more like he's calling him out. Miller's back goes stiff. Really, he'd remained calm enough through that entire speech... until the very end. "That's what I wanted to do, finish what we started. You're the one who decided to run off on your own while I hunted down Cipher." It's all well and good for Snake to go on about how they're stronger together, but where had that sentiment been back when it really mattered?

"And let Venom die? Should I have sacrificed him for you?" Because that's what it ultimately comes down to. Zero and his little plays at God. Kaz may think Big Boss has a big ego, but he's never been in the same room as David Oh.

Venom. The medic. Their friend. Ocelot had implied that Venom had willingly given himself over to Zero's insane idea, but John refused to believe it. Could a man be so dedicated to his creed that he would give away his very identity to allow someone else to live? The thought that a soldier under his command would go to such lengths to protect him filled John with pride and sickening guilt all at once. Either way, the deed had been done even before Zero had contacted Ocelot, barely a week after he had gone into a coma. When John had woke up and had been told about the whole ludicrous scheme, he had honestly been surprised Adam hadn't killed Venom in his medically-induced coma.

The point was, the damage had been done. There had been plenty of nights where John had laid awake, contemplating if he should just suffocate Venom and put him out of his misery. In the end, John couldn't let everything Venom had endure go to waste by just ending his life. "The damage to Venom's mind was already done. What was I supposed to do, Kaz? Send him out into the world not knowing what the hell? Have us both in Diamond Dogs to be an even bigger target?" It was a no-win situation. In the end, it made the most sense to send him to be with Kaz and Ocelot. He stood a chance that way. "We had to split up. I had to go away and stay away. With him in one place and me in another, Outer Heaven was guaranteed to survive this time."

Edited 2016-01-24 12:06 (UTC)

As much as Kaz would like to argue that there should have been some other alternative, some option where Venom didn't have to die and where he and Snake could have still worked together, he realizes that it's not that simple. That clean-cut solutions like that are for fiction, not real life. Maybe Kaz had been used, maybe Venom had been used, but Big Boss had been used too. And it all goes back to Zero.

The man who Kaz had ignorantly tried to work with back before this whole mess.

Stubborn as he is, Kaz can't let it go so easily. His hand slides over his knee and his fingers clench around it for the lack of anything else to hold onto.

"Couldn't you have explained everything to him? Snapped him out of it? There must have been something..."

In the end, though, it always comes down to one thing: Outer Heaven. That's the only thing that Big Boss really cares about, isn't it? Maybe Kaz would have been able to stomach that if he hadn't been forced to make it with someone else. He doesn't have anything against Venom (how could he, when he's the real victim here?), but there's no denying that it isn't the same.

"Probably," John admits. Could he have found a solution that prevented Kaz from feeling so betrayed, that gave Venom some semblance of a life back? Sure, if he had time. But he didn't. Being in a coma for nine years prevented him for forming any retalition plans, working up countermeasures and consistency plans. Zero fought his battles like he was playing chess, ever the schemer, and if John wasn't actively watching him, he was blindsided every time. And with Skull Face's forces moving the moment John regained consciousness, there was nothing left to do except roll with the punches.

All he could after all was said and done was pick up the pieces. Build everything back up.

John really hated being backed into a corner. "Maybe you think it's just excuses. That I just don't give a shit. But you don't know anything about Zero and how he works. What he did couldn't be fixed in the time I had." As much he would've liked to.

That's exactly what Kaz thinks (that they're just excuses, that Snake doesn't give a shit), but it's more difficult to uphold that belief when Big Boss has a different story to tell. There's no reason he should trust him, necessarily, but if Kaz thinks back on it, Snake had always been the more honest out of the two of them. He wouldn't be afraid to tell him straight to his face that he didn't care about him.

Which means the alternative is that there's still something there, skewed as it might be.

Going in circles like this is exhausting, and Kaz lets out a deep sigh like he's exhaling his own mouthful of smoke. "Yeah, he made it clear to me just how little I understood about the situation." His hand clenches into the fabric of the carpet as he remembers the condescending way that Zero had set him aside. "You just played right into his hands, though. What's your plan, to play the long game? Try to outmaneuver him?" As it stands, have they really done anything worthwhile to oppose Zero? Maybe Skullface had worked for him at one point, but Kaz gets the feeling that they'd been doing Zero a favor by taking him out.

There's a part of John that wants to lay everything out, to fit Kaz into his dream like he had nine years ago. It's not like Miller's place didn't technically still exist, but now that the man had made it clear he no longer wanted to be part of whatever John was cooking up, he had to reevaluate everything. Rework what he was supposed to expect. The point was, now that Kaz was no longer with him, John had to bite his tongue against giving him any information.

Maybe he should have told Kaz everything from the beginning. They would've been better prepared; MSF would've been better prepared. But he hadn't, because he couldn't have imagined putting so much trust in a person again. Never mind that he had always felt that bringing up his metaphorical devil would bring the man to their doorstep.

Funny how it still had. "I can't tell you that," Big Boss relents, though the words feel wrong. "If you're so adamant about not following me anymore, then..." The two of them had worked together for only four years, but their bond had been easy and natural. Thinking about the fact that they're done, divided in their paths, is still taking some getting used to. He couldn't imagine what he'd do if Ocelot ever left. "It would be suicide to give you information you could use against me."

It's true that if Big Boss had told Kaz about Zero from the start he would have handled everything a lot differently. Maybe they could have even prevented the XOF attack, but if he starts getting caught up in what-ifs and should-have-beens, he'll drive himself even more off the reservation than he already has.

Miller isn't particularly surprised by the answer that he gets. Big Boss had been surprisingly open with him (even if he'd still kept his secrets), but that's because they'd gone into business together. MSF had been theirs, a labor of love even if it had been soaked in blood and scorched by the fires of war. It had still been theirs, and it had still meant something.

"Guess I can't blame you there." It's the smart choice, even Kaz can see that. "The real question is why you came out here in the first place." Because he'd been worried, or because he'd wanted to test the waters? The blizzard is only growing more fierce out there, and it's getting darker and darker. Kaz glances to the closest window and lets out a long sigh. At least the fire has put feeling back into his fingers, the ones that are still there. "I'm not sending you back out into that." Apparently, he doesn't hate Big Boss that much. Maybe he should. "So you'll just have to stay in one of the other rooms." He doesn't look at Snake as he says it.

"Good question." But he doesn't expand on why that's a good question or even bothers to answer it. Why had he come here? Because it had been a natural response. There was a blizzard, he needed to get warm, he had no doubt that Kaz needed to get warm. John tends to not overthink these kinds of things. Besides, Kaz was a lot better inventing reasons for things than Big Boss was, so why not just let him supply his own answer?

God forbid that Miller hear the words 'because I give a shit about you' out of John's mouth.

He lets his eye trail to the window the same way the blond across from him does. The weather is getting pretty bad and it won't be long before it's completely impossible to navigate, even for someone like him. Luckily, the spire he's been holed up in isn't too far and there's plenty of firewood stacked up in his unit. He's thinking about if he'll have enough time to go there and bring some back for Miller when the man tells him not to go back out. Even offers one of the rooms for him to stay in. Now who's the one with unknown intentions?

John begins pulling back on his BDU shirt, slipping his hands back into the winter gloves he had shed after the fire had grown. It's dying down now, slowly, but it won't last for another 10 minutes without more wood and kindling. "Well, luckily, it's not your call, Commander," he replies, no venom to be found anywhere in his words. John heads over to the door to Kaz's bedroom and pulls it open, "I'll be back." He doesn't wait for any comment before he's out the door and back into the storm.

Acknowledging that Kaz had asked a good question is absolutely not the same as answering it. Does Snake think he's actually being slick when he does that? Miller doesn't know if he should glare at him or roll his eyes, but he purses his lips into a thin line, continually unimpressed.

Then again, if Snake isn't willing to answer, that probably means the response is a complicated one. At least Kaz isn't the only one stuck wrestling with a complex set of emotions.

Then Snake decides to do the exact opposite of what Kaz just said by deciding to head back out into that mess. Is he purposefully trying to be contrary? Kaz could have offered some kind of protest, but 1) he knows that Snake wouldn't listen, and 2) if Snake wants to endanger his life, that's his decision.

Once Big Boss is gone, Kaz grumbles to himself and then grabs the closest item (which turns out to be a pillow), tossing it at the door that Snake just stepped through. "Get yourself killed for all I care," he says to the empty space. With that, he shakes his head to himself and scoots closer to the dying fire.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

death ain't nothin but a heart beat away (closed)

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