hadriel_logs | [CLOSED] Are you going to age with grace?

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[CLOSED] Are you going to age with grace?

Who: Alphys, Chara, and Sans
What: Chara wants to have a "talk" with Alphys regarding some secrets she's been keeping. Then, later, Alphys and Sans reunite after a particularly troublesome event.
Where: Out and about in the city, followed by Delight's Housing apartment 3.
When: 1/25 for the first prompt, 1/26 for the second.
Warnings: Big big warnings for character death and frank discussion of suicide, body horror and a ton of mental illness. Seriously. This log is Not Happy.

i. [closed to chara] when oblivion is calling out your name

[Well. This event sure has been!!! And by "been" she means "been the worst time of her entire life." Between her conversation with Asriel, the text from Frisk and subsequent post of Sans' death, and her double probably talking to... well, just about everyone, Alphys is strapped on options and probably time. She knows, logically, she should be doing damage control. Reaching out, telling the truth, apologizing. But there's too many people. It's too much to handle.

If she could be completely honest with herself, she'd know she wouldn't even be able to make it up to them, anyway. Why bother?

She leaves the apartment, because she can't bear to be there watching the door for when Sans comes back. She knows people come back here, but at the same time, she doesn't know and the wait is killing her. She eventually makes her way to a quiet part of town, to an unused shop, and collapses down in a corner.

She'll get up later. When she can.]

ii. [closed to sans] you always take it further than i ever can

[How do you wake up from death and feel so exhausted?

This is... hah, the second time this has happened, now, in only a few months. First, the grogginess of coming to in the Coliseum floor, sparked not long after to adrenaline and fear. Now it just feels empty. Even waking up in a god's temple meant to inspire hope leaves nothing but residue and broken promises.

And yet, she shuffles back to the apartment. Finds her way to the couch that's been thrown out and dragged back and nearly thrown out again. Haha. It's a metaphor. For her life.

She falls face first onto it, and none too gracefully. Maybe if she lays here, she'll just... suffocate. Or something.

Instead, she rolls over, stares at the ceiling, and waits. She should talk to Sans. Figure out what her double said to him. Maybe just... come clean, for once. Let him kick her out and then she can just crawl into the caves and let the real monsters eat her over and over and no one will have to worry about it again.

... He'll come around eventually. Or something. Right now, she just wants to lie here and hope she dies before she has to do anything ever again.]

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[No one has been having a good week.

For the most part, when not helping Frisk copy something that didn't exist and made their eyes hurt, Chara wandered. Despite the fact that their knee was still killing them, Chara needed to find things to do. If they didn't they would think and nobody needs that right now.

So today they were going to gather things to eat or just...do things with. Honestly Chara isn't sure. But when it came to that notebook anything could help. Even the smallest thing. Do something nice. Sure.

The door snaps behind them and Chara looks over the shop...oh.

Oh.

It's Alphys. The sight of her makes something ugly coil in their gut but Chara swallows it down for the moment. The Real Knife remains un-equipped for now.]

Alphys. I need to speak with you.

[Really need to speak to her.]

[She's so caught up in herself she barely registers someone entering until they speak.

Haha. It's... it's them. They probably know where she saw those tapes now, don't they? Everyone probably knows.

She looks up, towards them, but doesn't have the energy to smile.]

H-Hey... yeah, uhm, sure. What is it?

[It's fine. It's not as if Chara has the energy to smile either, although most of that is due to the anger building up slowly.

But they push it down for now. Away. Regardless of what he said, Chara still had a little bit of control left.]

It is about Asriel. I spoke to his double.

[Gauge her reaction. She if she knows.]

... Oh.

[Ha. Oh, she knows. That's #1 in the list of things she Wishes She Didn't Know, But Now Does.

And it seems quite a few others do, too.]

What... what d-did he say to you?

[There were quite a few things said during that event, no? But they'll narrow down the sin that they're interested in to just one.

The rest can go to hell.]

He spoke to me about a golden flower...one that came to know the power of Determination. The will to live. The power to change your fate.

The power of human SOULS.

[They pause, staring at her with eyes that may be a little too bright. But Chara isn't smiling.]

The information I possess is second-hand, so some of the facts may be incorrect. But enlighten me, dear doctor. "What happens when something without a soul gains the will to live?"

[Aren't those words interesting?]

[Ah. Well. Here we are again at the #1 Thing She Wishes No One Else Knew, Ever.

There's no way to defend against this. No apology that will make it better.

He was their brother. She thinks of Sans and Papyrus, the way the smaller skeleton would look at her if anything had ever happened to him. Especially if it had been entirely, unequivocally, her fault.

Her words are small, and she's not looking directly at them when she speaks.]

I t-thought... it was just a flower. I didn't k-know. I didn't know until they told me. Here.

[Chara hasn't stopped staring at her. They know Alphys has a very logical reason for not being completely at fault. She had no knowledge of who that flower was until it was already too late and even then she still didn't learn about it until she came to Hadriel.

But when it comes to family...any excuse is not good enough.]

I know. But that does not mean I am not furious with you. He has no SOUL now, because of your actions.

[Chara knows it's faulty. The Fallen Child was just as responsible for Asriel winding up in the postion he was in. But to say they were seeing red right now is an understatement.]

[She can't look at them. Each word hits her like a bullet, slowly taking down her already pitiable DEF. She has nothing. There is nothing she can do to make this up to either of them.]

I'm sorry-- I mean, I, really, I'm... I d-don't know what to do. I can't... I mean, there's, n-no way to fix it, or...

[Best cut right to the chase, then.]

... What do you w-want me to do?

Nothing.

[The words hiss out. They don't bother with lacing it with red as Chara's anger should be obvious. Even though Alphys said it, Asriel's double had made it abundantly clear that there was no going back. His SOUL was gone by Chara's actions and brought back by Alphys as an emotionless flower. Read every book, burned every book. And so on.

Logically, Chara knows that she isn't at fault. She did not go out with the objective of making Asriel suffer. But there was only so long you could press down on a spring before it sprang back. And all of the events thus far weighted down for far to long.

The Real Knife gleams as Chara pulls it out. They'll give her a moment to say anything she may way to. But there's only one way that this will end.

* 1 left.]

[Her eyes fixate on it as they bring out the knife, the light catching on the side. Hah. Yes, it's come to this, hasn't it? What's the human expression, an eye for an eye...?

A soul for a SOUL, most likely.

She thinks that she is going to speak. Imagines what she could say, as if she could justify saying anything at all, but comes up empty. Because, truly, what more does she have to give? Empty promises? Hollow apologies? EXP to chase away the feelings, perhaps. A little LOVE that she can give.

Maybe... maybe that would be best for everyone.

Maybe a day's rest would be good for her, too.

So she does... nearly nothing. She stands. Waits.

*Alphys appears!
* ACT
* CHECK
* Alphys - 0 ATK 2 DEF
* Seems to understand what's coming.]

[There was only one way this could end.

They don't drag it out at least. Chara was, if nothing else, fast. And as angry as they was, there was no point in lording this over Alphys. So it's just one slash, 2 DEF against 99 ATK. She will die if this hits.

But maybe, like a child who once walked up a mountain with no intention of coming back down, Alphys thought the same thing that they did: "How good."

They'll stay until she dies. And once that passes, Chara will leave. Back to their home and to sleep. It was like dying but you had to wake up. And nothing will stop the new LOVE raging in their heart.

Nothing yet.]

[Only one way, indeed.

She remembers, in the moment before the hit, the feeling of standing over that abyss the last time. The water rushing around her bare feet, her tail dragging forward with the force from the edge, the length of time she was in the water adding to the weight of her coat. It wasn't so much a final decision, a breaking point. It was stopping the struggle. It was ceasing to hold her muscles against the tide. It was stopping, fully, and let the outside force push her down.

This, she thinks, is no different.

There was no point to heightening her defense; no point bracing or fighting. No fight left in her. And 99 ATK tears through 2 DEF, like cleaving through butter. She's dust before she knows it. She's dust before the horror sets in of what happened.

For now... perhaps, a moment of nonexistence. It's the closest she's going to get to peace.]

[Death should feel like sleep. That's the common thread, he's pretty sure. In all honesty, it don't feel like much of anything. He wakes on an altar in Hope's place. If he had a heart, it'd be thumping hard enough to throw itself clean from his ribcage. Good job for everybody that he don't.

He's got a lotta thoughts runnin' around in his skull when he wakes up. Not the least of which include Alphys, Papyrus, the kids - god, the kids.

He's got a to-do list. This is gonna damage his entire reputation.

He ends up in House Number Three eventually. And lo and behold, there's Alph, lying face-up on the couch like a dead fish in water. He slows as he draws nearer. Tries not to look as desperately weary as he feels - and tries, god but he tries, to scrape something of himself together into something resembling a functioning monster.

Can't say he ain't tempted to join her, a little bit. But if there's anything Confusion just taught the lot of 'em, it's that secrets - one way or another - have a way of coming out.]

Gotta lot on your mind?

[She hears the door open. Doesn't hear the boisterous announcement of entry, so it's Sans, not Papyrus.

She wonders if he just woke up on the altar, too. If they just missed each other. Wouldn't that be a coincidence?]

... Yeah. I g-guess so.

[She shifts upward, leans into one corner of the couch and tucks her knees and tail in tight. She's small. Keeping herself small.]

How're you feeling?

Like I got skewered.

[Starting things off great, he is. Yeah. Okay. Gotta dial that back. He kinda kicked it late on, but he's got no clue if anyone...

His double was LV 20. LV 20. Who's to say what he could'a done after wasting him? Who's to say who else might'a woken up in Hope's?]

How 'bout you?

Same.

[It slips out before she even has the chance to think about it, and it takes her a second for her brain to catch up. When it does, she groans, lifting her arms to paw her palms into her eyes, glasses lifting up and knocked askew on her face.]

I'm sorry. That's not... I-I'm not. Urgh.

[Hah. Well. Guess they both did, then.]

... It wasn't y-you. Him.

[Shit.

She -

Shit.

It takes him a second to process that in its entirety. And at this rate - heh, boy, he is a real jerk, ain't he? A real jerk, 'cause all he can do is swipe a hand wearily over the crown of his skull and shut his sockets.]

I know.

[Heh. Boy. Let's open up two or three cans of worms while we're at it and maybe lie in 'em for a bit, yeah?]

I mean - I remember what he did. After I kicked it.

Who, uh...

[A vague gesture. Can't seem to finish the sentence, but hey - he always was a very intelligent coward. Memory always too sharp for anyone's own good.]

Oh.

[Haha, well, at least she didn't get those memories. Even then, it might've been better if she did! Seeing as she has no idea who her double said anything to. She has no clue who knows what now. And if anybody thinks she's about to just call some people she knows here all casual and ask if they happened to find out her deepest darkest secrets, well shit, they don't know her very well.

Then again, maybe she doesn't know herself very well at all anymore.

She almost doesn't want to tell him. But she's too exhausted to do the runaround right now, and especially with him. So she speaks.]

Chara found me when, uhm. You w-were gone.

[She's sort of pressed her mouth into a line, buck teeth biting at her lip, trying to look anywhere but right at him.]

I... t-there was... don't b-be mad at them. I deserved it.

[Chara?

For all of three seconds, he ain't really sure what she's implying. For all of three seconds, he can't reconcile the kid that threw water balloons at him, smiled like they were at ease for once in their life, said they'd like to get to know him better, could or would do something like -

But who's he kidding, right? All those words about thinkin' that even the worst person can change, that's all they are, right? That's the joke, the killer punchline.

It's all very linear. Very simple.

They found her.

They were angry.

And they lashed out.

Ain't too hard to draw the connections there, joining the dots until they form one very sick, very unpleasant pattern. If it had been his brother -

Well, uh. Shouldn't waste time on hypotheticals.]

What happened. Specifically.

[Alphys curls in on herself just a bit more. He's stressed. Moreso than he has been. Maybe even angry. She should cooperate.]

I didn't want to b-be alone here, so I went out. They found me. Wanted to talk about... about what I d-did. To Asriel. The vessel... uhm, the f-flower, back home. Flowey. It's him. It w-was him. That's the reason it disappeared from the throne room and I didn't know until now but...

[She pauses, tries not to break again. Comes back into it.]

T-They were mad, and, there was nothing I could do to fix it, so I just.... l-let them. Do what they wanted to.

[Because what else does she have to give? Her life couldn't match up to theirs. Didn't even come close. But it's the only penance she could offer. Now that she's talking, though, the words seem harder and harder to choke down, along with the tears slipping down from her eyes.]

All I wanted was to do something nice for Asgore, to, to f-fix what he wanted me to and make everyone happy, and, and a-all I did was hurt people. Hurt everyone. And they're, they're probably dead now, because I'm not there, because, b-because I gave up on them, and everyone, and there's nothing I can fix. There's nothing that's ever going to b-be fixed. Because of me.

[She let them do what they wanted.

Don't need to be much clearer than that, no. She let 'em do what they wanted to and he knows enough, enough to know that there's really only one thing that could mean. Chara's a lotta things, but they don't draw things out, he's learned. They get -

They just get to the point.

And Alphys got the point, all right. She got the point, and she probably ended up here just before he did. And she stood there and took it, 'cause that's what she does. She looks out over a vast and empty edge overlooking a limitless purple-black void, watching it all spiral downward in an endless downward plunge, accumulated detritus and scummy water, and maybe, before all this even happened, she'd figured - hey. Hey, why not.

He's got nothin' but speculation there. He slips his eyesockets shut for a moment, and lets her talk. Lets her say everything her double said, but nicer.]

Alphys.

[He slouches onto the couch beside her, hands still buried deep in his pockets, shoulders hitched up in an unconscious, partial mimicry of her own compact, anxious posture.]

You didn't know. All right? You didn't know what'd happen when any of that went down.

It doesn't matter.

[She's finally looking at him, now, impossible to hide the tears so she's not even trying. Has presumed, since he's not freaking out, that her double got to him first. That he knows everything now.

She knew all these secrets were gonna come out somehow. Somewhere.]

It happened. I w-wanted things to work so I just kept putting determination in, and it ruined them. H-He's their brother. All they want to do is fix it. And now, t-they have to live here like that, and it's my fault, and I can't do anything. Even if I found a w-way to take it out it'd probably kill them. And, and b-back in the Underground, it's...

[Pointless.]

... It d-doesn't even matter. They're going to die down t-there. Because I can't go back.

[She's quiet, for a few seconds. Just... waits. Thinks about if she's going to say this, but really, what more does she have to lose?]

I always t-thought the abyss might go to another world entirely. I guess I was right. It l-lead me here.

[He gets confirmation.

Somethin' he considered, a few times, when he first noticed that she was wearing her single dress, and that struck him as odd, in conjunction with the kind of sad end she was talkin' about; Mettaton destroyed, someone she cared about dead. He considered it, sure. But it's one thing to have it bounced silently about in your skull with the hollow tin-rattle of somethin' unacknowledged, and another thing entirely to hear it from her direct.

He gets confirmation.

The abyss goes to another world entirely, it turns out. It leads her here. Some place this is, huh? Some good work he's done acclimating her to all of it, makin' it feel a bit less like the Hell he once said kids should be burning in.
It was never kids who should be burning in hell.
Never really helped any, did he? And this ain't helpin' now either, heapin' all this blame onto his own shoulders, 'cause damn but if it isn't easier.

What do you say to an admission like that?]

[ What the hell is he supposed to say? ]

[It led her here. And there's been good moments, quiet moments, sure, but they've been drowned out, all of 'em, in comparison to this, to now. 'Cause it's all gone to Hell now, well and truly, and it feels like there's no way out. There never is, really, any clear-cut way out, is there.

Even someone like him, who clung to the skin of living simply 'cause that's what things that are alive do, didn't get an out when it was presented to him. Hell, he didn't even take the out. Like that recursive looping hell was preferable.

But it meant people were alive, or had the potential to be.

Is that all that counts, 'round here?]

Things, uh...

[He'd clear his throat about now, if he could. He would, but all he can do in the meantime is hum softly, a contemplative rasp as he tries to pull together somethin' meaningful he can say to that.]

Things back home...they never change. That's just, uh, how they are.

[And if she asks him how he knows that, well, she'd probably be the only person 'round here who'd get what he's saying.

The only other people who could'a explained it better are - gone.]

That's not how things are here. That's not - how they have to be.

[It's not fair to place this on him, and she knows it. If he was here, talking about dying and leaving everything behind, she wouldn't even begin to know what to say. And yet, here she is. Making her problems known again. Making her problems someone else/'s, again.

But he says things like this, and she knows he understands. He told her on her first day here. Drew the line across his chest, whispered about waking up here instead of 'wherever monsters like me end up'. She remembers feeling like an idiot that he had to watch everything die, and fall to it too, when she couldn't handle a single person.

When she still, really, can't handle a single person's loss.

She wipes some of her tears with her wrist, with a choked laugh.]

If it m-makes you feel any better, I felt like an idiot once I woke up. It was so... pointless. It didn't f-fix anything.

[Not like she'd hoped. No oblivion. No afterlife. Just... this. In an empty apartment with Sans, talking about how it feels to die.]

But it still followed me here. Everything d-did. I can't just... run away from everything I did. Asriel came and he wanted answers. W-What if Asgore shows up? He never knew. I just stopped t-talking to him. I... don't know a way out of this. I don't know how to m-make it right. Even here.

[Pointless. Didn't fix anything.

And yet, he's got a couple of kids who think that's exactly what it is they need to do, to make things better on everyone else. A pair of eyesockets glowering down at 'em with a twisted smile, and a thick sheaf of notes written in hands, and they took it at face value.

Do something nice for people.]

I dunno.

[It's a low, rumbling admission, as he leans back against the cushions, passing a hand over the crown of his skull and up along the back of his cervical vertebrae.]

There's no out. Not for any of us. We're here now, and I guess that means we gotta deal with - everything.

[Every sin, every consequence.]

Better than lettin' it sit, anyway.

[He gets it. She knows he does. He died all the same, had to endure the demise of everyone he loved and then go down knowing he was never going to make it. She wonders, just a bit, how she died there. If she put up a fight. She'd like to believe that she did something valiant, and important. But... she knows herself. She'd run, and hide, and let the world just end around her.

He's always been the better one.]

I just... d-don't even know how to begin to deal with it. I can't. But I guess I have to.

[What choice does she have, with people breathing down her neck? It's just like before, but she'll just come back from death.

She doesn't get to quit. Not now.

Maybe this really is Hell.]

... I'm sorry. I didn't... I s-shouldn't have, I mean. Talked to you about all this. You have enough going on. You can just, uhm. Get r-rid of me or something, and then, you won't have to worry about this anymore.

[And yet, she's still looking for a reason to stay.]

[That's the bottom line, ain't it? The central problem, the linchpin. Neither of 'em have any experience actually dealing with the problems once they've hit. Living with that weight yoked over their heads - that's the easy bit, even if it eats away at you for every step of the way. It eats away at you, it cuts into your SOUL, into your sleep, into your live, but at least it's your own little secret, sequestered away.

When it comes to light and you gotta live with that - what happens next?

Hell if he knows.]

Alphys.

[The word's quiet and heavy, but he lifts the lights in his sockets to look at her, even and direct.]

Y'know I want you here, yeah? Y'know how - y'know I was glad when you showed up, right?

[Does that make him selfish? Probably, yeah. And he laughs, a brief, dark huff of sound as he glances away, his hand dropping back down into his lap.]

Selfish, I know. But it felt, uh...better, I guess.

Knowin' I wasn't alone.

[She... she doesn't even know what to say. She's done awful, unsalvageable things. She's said words she can never take back and made promises she could never hope to keep. And he's still... here. Trying to make her feel better. Seeming so unflinchingly genuine while she spills to pieces.

I'm not sure what you're expecting outta someone like him.

I don't need to expect anything. I know he will.

She shuffles up on the couch, finally uncurls her hands from her chest, and nearly throws herself on him, arms around his neck, face buried safely around his shoulder.]

I'm n-never alone when you're here, either.

Thank you.

[Ah. Geez. He don't exactly expect it, but it -

It's not exactly unwelcome. He doesn't always realize how little he actually says a thing like that, or does a thing like that, until it happens. Don't realize that he never tells Papyrus anything as simple and fundamental as I love you.

She all but falls on top of him, and after the initial shock of it, he manages an awkward pat.

It's been a while since he, uh, did this. Probably not the most comfortable guy to be givin' a hug to anybody, but he lets it happen.]

Hey, 's okay.

[Or maybe that's too much of a lie. Maybe it ain't so okay.]

Or, uh. Maybe it will be.

[Some people would say that hugging Sans isn't comfortable, but that would imply they don't know much about Sans, because Sans is always comfortable. He's a comfortable type of person. He's safety, and shared trauma, and a history they can never repeat.

He's... becoming family. Basically is. The last real piece of it since the Underground.]

Heh. It'd b-be nice to think that.

[Her voice is still muffled by his clothes.]

I guess we... d-don't have a choice, anyway. We, uhm... have to keep moving somewhere.

[He don't mean for his grip to tighten on her, just for a sec. Just kinda happens, all reflexive, 'cause she's just latched onto him and all he can think of to do is just - hug back.

Cut her a break.

She deserves a goddamn break.

He laughs. It's a weak little thing, but he does his best with it.]

Sometimes it almost feels like we'll make it.

[He deserves a goddamn break. They both do. He gets right back from death, and-- here they are again! No matter what. Just... this, and here, and...

Wow, they're both a complete mess, aren't they?]

Yeah.

[Her voice is small, and quiet. It feels like if she lets go, he'll just... dissolve. She'll go to dust. Everything she's clinging to will disappear.]

I'm sorry. F-For all of this. For... trapping you into caring about me, I guess.

[That gets another ragged laugh, his skull dropping forward to rest up against her shoulder. Feels like he can barely support it some days.

Like now.

God, what's wrong with the both of 'em? They could go on like this for hours, he'll bet. They could just keep runnin' circles of self-blame, and it'd never fix a single goddamn thing.]

Pff. You kiddin'?

Best thing that could'a happened.

[She's so full of stress, so on edge, he affirms her again and she just laughs. It's not one of those dry ones she usually has when she's feeling bitter, or when she's just trying to fill the silence. Like an honest to goodness laugh. He can probably feel her body shaking against his, and the bits of water as she cries.

He's here. She's here.

Maybe that'll be okay.]

T-Thank you. Thank you f-for everything.

[Thank you.

What's she thankin' him for, really? For not walkin' out on her? For not abandoning her, just 'cause he could? Pretty basic stuff, right? Pretty fundamental. But when you kinda come to anticipate that sorta thing - hell, it feels like the world when it don't happen.

She's crying.

He don't mind it so much.]

'Course.

[He don't have to say anything else, he don't think. Not sure he's got in him to say -

Anything else.]
Always.

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[CLOSED] Are you going to age with grace?

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cw suicide mention, and also, like, death

im ready

SAME

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cw suicide mention

1/3

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