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hadriel_logs2017-02-11 10:02 pm
fracturedbeauty) wrote in hadriel_logs2017-02-11 10:02 pm
Entry tags:
The Love Within You Can Heal These Tears That Burn
Who: Curufin and Yukari (closed)
What: Yukari's lost an eye, Curufin finds him
Where: Around Hadriel
When: February 12th
Warnings: Gore, language. Will Update As Needed
Yukari's walking through Hadriel. Aside from the fact that he stumbles occasionally, he gives no actions that imply that he is otherwise aware of the blood dripping down his face from his missing eye. He has a headache, and his gouged right eye stings. But his posture is upright, with a fairly steady pace. He has to pay extra attention to where he's going, as he tries to find the clinic. Thus far, he doesn't seem to be having much luck. His vision feels blurred in his remaining eye. Is that because of the pain? He feels the blood cool as it drips from his chin, spattering over his jacket or onto the ground nearby. He's still carrying his sword by his side. He may not be able to see properly in this moment, but he'll still defend himself, in case Tina decides to come back and finish the job.
It wasn't that he hadn't thought about calling Curufin, it was just... with his vision so eskewed, he couldn't read the text or the numbers on it to dial it properly. He chuckles a little to himself. Surely, Curufin was going to be upset at him for starting some stupid fight over a little girl's mannerisms, and then losing to her. He probably should have known better against a weapons specialist. He's not too sure how he's going to explain this to Curufin after he's gotten himself patched up. And how he's going to find his way to this clinic is still a mystery to him. Maybe the next time he hears someone nearby, he could call out. Or maybe someone will see him and help him out. He's certain he must look quite the sight, right now.
For a moment, he decides to take a break. He's certain he can't just bleed out from losing an eye, despite how much blood seems to have been lost already. It probably isn't good for his eye, but wandering blindly sure isn't helping. For all he knows, he might have passed the clinic already. He steadily finds himself an edge of a building and sinks to the ground, leaning his back against it. He closes his remaining eye while he tries to gether his thoughts of how to get to where he needs to go.
What: Yukari's lost an eye, Curufin finds him
Where: Around Hadriel
When: February 12th
Warnings: Gore, language. Will Update As Needed
Yukari's walking through Hadriel. Aside from the fact that he stumbles occasionally, he gives no actions that imply that he is otherwise aware of the blood dripping down his face from his missing eye. He has a headache, and his gouged right eye stings. But his posture is upright, with a fairly steady pace. He has to pay extra attention to where he's going, as he tries to find the clinic. Thus far, he doesn't seem to be having much luck. His vision feels blurred in his remaining eye. Is that because of the pain? He feels the blood cool as it drips from his chin, spattering over his jacket or onto the ground nearby. He's still carrying his sword by his side. He may not be able to see properly in this moment, but he'll still defend himself, in case Tina decides to come back and finish the job.
It wasn't that he hadn't thought about calling Curufin, it was just... with his vision so eskewed, he couldn't read the text or the numbers on it to dial it properly. He chuckles a little to himself. Surely, Curufin was going to be upset at him for starting some stupid fight over a little girl's mannerisms, and then losing to her. He probably should have known better against a weapons specialist. He's not too sure how he's going to explain this to Curufin after he's gotten himself patched up. And how he's going to find his way to this clinic is still a mystery to him. Maybe the next time he hears someone nearby, he could call out. Or maybe someone will see him and help him out. He's certain he must look quite the sight, right now.
For a moment, he decides to take a break. He's certain he can't just bleed out from losing an eye, despite how much blood seems to have been lost already. It probably isn't good for his eye, but wandering blindly sure isn't helping. For all he knows, he might have passed the clinic already. He steadily finds himself an edge of a building and sinks to the ground, leaning his back against it. He closes his remaining eye while he tries to gether his thoughts of how to get to where he needs to go.
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"I'm afraid I can't make you anything right now, coffee or otherwise. Feel free to help yourself." He allows Curufin free range of whatever he needs. It's the least he can do since Curufin's going to be here a while.
She's a brat, is what she is. Yukari's face crinkles into something bitter. He already had a hard time palating her existence. Being defeated by her only makes the taste in his mouth that much more sour when she's mentioned anymore.
The gentle ruffling of Yukari's hair instills something in him for a moment. A pain he wasn't aware he felt. He must have been so distracted by the chaos and the need for medical attention, that he was able to put it on the back burner. An emotional turmoil - his eye is gone. As far as he knows, there's no way to get it back. He has to rely on someone for the first time since his childhood. His looks are ruined; he'll have to relearn his skills to accommodate for the loss. And he's dragged Curufin through all of this with him. He can feel the structure he's built for himself so carefully just start to crumble all around him. And it hurts. Much, much worse than he imagined it would.
He leans over himself, burying his face in hands, and starts to cry. How could he have allowed such a thing to happen?
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"I'll make us both something in a bit. You don't have to lift a finger. I'm going to take care of you."
He wishes he hadn't joked about Tina. Typical Curufin humor, and not appropriate to the situation. Yukari's hair is so soft under his hand, and Yukari's face is pale and drawn, and he looks so vulnerable with the dressing covering his eye socket and the gauze strip tied around his head to help hold it in place. He strokes that shadowy purple hair softly.
And when Yukari drops his face into his hands, Curufin first slides an arm around his waist. And then hearing those sobs, he wraps both his arms around him securely and holds him. His hands on his friend's back are tender as he holds him against his shoulder. There is a deep twinge of pain in his heart, and it is not for himself but for Yukari. He is hurt physically and emotionally, and with an injury that will have unknown repercussions in his life. But one thing is certain: Curufin will be there for him, whatever happens.
The Elf has experience with the question that can never be answered: How did I let this happen? There is no answer, there is only love.
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He's just... uncertain of how long that will take. He sighs to himself. One step at a time...
When he feels Curufin's arms around him, he can't help but turn himself to the Elf, burying his face into that caring shoulder. He wraps his arms around Curufin's neck and just sobs; for just how long he lets himself fall apart... He lost track. He stopped counting the minutes to try and tell himself to stop and just cried until he had no tears left. Those caring arms, he didn't realise how desperately he needed them until that moment. The last time he had cried like this was when he had heard that Ichigen, his first King, had died. The loss of something precious.
After his tears have run out, he allows himself to stay in that embrace for a little while longer. He finds himself grateful for Curufin being here after all, despite his earlier thoughts of needing his independence. He can assert his stubborn will another day. Today, he'll allow himself to be taken care of and allow himself proper time to heal. Being cared for... it's all new territory to him. He might show levels of stubbornness from time to time as he has managed to become functional again, but he'll try his best to understand that it's what he needs to do, whether he likes it or not. It can't be that bad having someone take care of you, right?
He finally takes a deep, shaky breath as he allows himself to sit up, nodding his head softly and rubbing his face, taking extra care on his right side to not disturb the gauze bandaging.
"Thank you. I really needed that." His tone is flat, but he sincerely means it. "Are you... alright with staying at my place, taking care of me?"
No, that's not what he meant. Of course he knows that Curufin won't mind it. He thinks about what he's really trying to say for a moment and tries again.
"I mean... If you need to run home and get some supplies for yourself, I should be alright until you can make it back. I'm sure I got blood all over your clothes. I'll stay right here on this sofa, so you won't worry. I... don't know how long it will take before I can be on my feet again, so you might want to pack at least a few days worth. So..."
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He simply continues to hold him, and in fact, while the tears are flowing, he rocks him like a child. This is comfort for himself as well as for Yukari. His friend's sorrow seems deeper than the sea, and for that level of pain, the best remedy is a steady shoulder and a pair of caring arms. He strokes Yukari's hair and rocks him gently, and his arms enclose him as though he will never let him go.
When Yukari finally sits up, Curufin hands him a clean handkerchief to wipe his tears, and keeps an arm loosely around him.
"I am fine with staying here and taking care of you," he answers, softly. "I would be unhappy if I could not. And yes, I'll go and pack myself a bag to bring back. But are you sure you'll be all right alone for a bit? Maybe I should make you some food, first? Get you something to drink?"
He figures fifteen minutes either way, and then add fifteen minutes to stuff a few sets of clean clothes into his satchel. Forty-five minutes. And add a little more to explain the situation to Celebrimbor and Maedhros, if they are there. If they are not, then he must leave messages for them. So, maybe as much as an hour. Right now, he's uneasy with leaving Yukari for five minutes.
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At the mention of being offered something to drink, Yukari does feel as though his throat is dry. The fighting, the blood loss, the crying, and the hours that passed in between... he's probably a fair amount of dehydrated at this point. But he hesitates to let go of that hand in this moment. It was as though it were the final pin in place to keep his world from crumbling, even if it was just for Curufin to go into the kitchen for only a moment, a breath, a heartbeat.
"If I... ask for something to drink, can I come with you?" Sure, it'll take longer than if Curufin just went himself. Yukari would need the support to remain steady. And there's a space between the living room and the kitchen that would allow Curufin to remain in his sight the whole time. But he just wants... "...Please?"
Perhaps it is better that Curufin stay at least a little longer before running to pack his supplies. Yukari certainly wouldn't mind. Coming with Curufin to his place would do more harm than good, so he knows that he would have to stay here and wait patiently on the sofa for him to return. An hour can be a long wait for someone to come back. He strokes his fingers along the Elf's. He's uncertain how much of Curufin's time he should hoard to himself right now. Either way, Curufin is dedicating his time to him. For him to run and come back, for him to embrace Yukari and aid him around the house, it would all take the same amount of time, right? Just different time frames to do so. So, it shouldn't matter, right? But why does it feel like it does?
It's not like they're the same size, Yukari has nothing temporary to offer him as far as clothing goes. He knows asking him to stay would mean asking him to do so in soiled clothing for his sake alone. If he were in Curufin's position, he would probably strip his shirt at some point. Uncomfortable as it would be to be exposed, it would be more uncomfortable to remain in blood-stained clothing, but he would stay if Curufin asked, no question. He has to fight his mind to not think of Curufin being shirtless in this very position as he continues to argue with himself on what to choose. Blushing isn't going to do him any favours right now. In fact, the blood rush might straight make him pass out or agitate the wound.
"If... If you want to stay longer, then you're welcome to. You can choose when you pack your supplies. If it's easier, you can even wait until I've fallen asleep to get them. Sorry, I don't have any spare shirts for you." He gives a faint chuckle. Might as well allow Curufin to make the choice. "Perhaps I should sew some for situations in which you'll stay over at a moment's notice."
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He doesn't want to let Yukari out of his sight anymore than Yukari wants to let Curufin out of his sight. They are in agreement.
"All right. If you let me help you, you can come into the kitchen with me and I'll get you something to drink. What's in the fridge, and what would you like?"
He stands up and offers his friend his arm.
He doesn't care about the shirt. It's not like this is the first time in his life that he's worn bloody clothing for a while before having a chance to change.
"I think I will stay for a while. I'd be happier if you were safely resting. You can keep your phone in your hand. Let's put it on speed-dial for my number, okay? That way, you won't feel I'm so far away. You can talk to me in an instant if you want to."
"Don't worry about spare shirts." And he smiles at Yukari, thinking that if his friend can chuckle even faintly, it's a good sign. Humor is Yukari's bulwark, as much as sarcasm or any of his other strategies. It's all right if he sheds tears, and it's all right if he laughs.
"We do seem to live dangerous lives. Maybe a shirt sewn by my dear friend would not be amiss. But don't you try it tonight." He is smiling.
He helps Yukari to the kitchen and lets him sit down. And then Curufin starts rummaging in the refrigerator.
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Yukari takes Curufin's extended arm and steadies himself as he pulls off the sofa, leaning against him softly as he pulls out his phone.
"Alright, I can do that. I probably should have done that before. Maybe then I would have been able to call for your help sooner." He gives an apologetic smile. "I have a variety of juices and wines, but I would settle just for some ice water right now."
"Oh, just ruin all of my fun, why don't you? I was going to start a dedicated sewing project of making monogrammed shirts for Curufin-san this very instant." He gives a mocking huff. "I'll have to tell him you've postponed the project; oh, woe, what will Noble Curufin-san do without a decent shirt?"
Alright, so it might be the painkillers. He poured on the theatrics a little hard for that one, and even referred to Curufin in the third person sense.
As he's settled into the kitchen, he watches Curufin carefully, patiently. "Curufin-san, do you have experience with your comrades losing an eye? How... how long did it take before they were able to return to stable lives."
His question sounds a mix of insecure, troubled, and worried.
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They settle that matter of the phone number, so that Yukari can get Curufin on the line at an instant's notice, if he needs him.
"Yes, I'm out to ruin your fun. Don't you go sneaking towards your sewing machine and producing any haute couture items! -- I'll hear the hum of the treadle and come and unplug your machine." He flashes a smile at Yukari. "Noble Curufin-san will just have to chill out."
"And let me get you some ice water, then." In the kitchen, he gets out a pitcher of filtered water, pours it into a tall glass, and adds ice out of the trays. He hands Yukari his cool drink.
"Yes, it's happened. Two of my comrades from the war years experienced that kind of injury. One of them was back to normal functioning in six months, and the other in three. I myself only have a little experience with the problem. I once had a bad cut right across my eyebrow, and my eye was swollen shut for a week. We didn't have time to stop fighting, and so I fought anyway. I can't say it was easy. I kept missing the Orcs I was aiming at, and my brothers had to step in and help me. I don't know how long it would have taken me to learn to fully compensate if the loss of sight had been permanent, but my aim was getting better by the end of that week."
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"Well, I'll just have to hand stitch then so you won't hear me." He says it with an intentionally pouty tone of just try and stop me, I dare you.
Yukari gratefully accepts the glass, taking a long drink from it until his glass is mostly empty. All of that activity, blood loss, and stress makes for a very thirsty situation. He makes the mental note to not put himself through so much in the future.
He also looks across at Curufin. For all of this, now that he thinks about it, he was expecting alot more than just a particularly calm and collected Elf. He expected tears, scolding, rage, pain, fear - all of which would have been understandable. Instead, Curufin's been patient, understanding, and loving. Granted it's helped Yukari come to terms with everything that's happened, but... he knows if he were in Curufin's position, he couldn't be so kind. He'd hunt down the one that hurt Curufin and make sure they never messed with him again. And the amount of hurt he would feel for his lover, would he be able to appear as placid as Curufin has? He's not so sure he could.
When he sets his glass on the table he reaches out to take Curufin's hand.
"Curufin-san, are you alright? I mean truly alright." He carefully studies Curufin's eyes, waiting to see an answer. He wants to make sure he's not holding back just for his sake. Yukari feels like he's been selfish up to this point, being the only one allowed to cry. But, despite his pain, he wants Curufin to know that he's there, too. Just because he's hurting doesn't mean he can't offer support in return.
Yukari blanches at the answer. So, he can expect about three to six months for everything to become something resembling normal in his everyday actions, then? That's... a particularly long wait. That's a long time to keep Curufin around to help him with even the smallest of tasks.
"Are you sure you want to help me for that long? I mean... for serving my needs and being helped out, I could..." He sighs. What if you get tired of me? "I'm not sure what I could do to make that easier..."
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He grins at Yukari's jesting. "I'm an Elf. I have sharp ears." (Pun!) "I swear I'll hear you even if you're hand-stitching."
Curufin gets up and make a whole pitcher of ice water, and brings it to the table. He raises his eyebrows at Yukari's almost-empty glass and asks, "Want a refill? This bar is open all night." Small smile.
And when Yukari takes his hand, he curls his fingers around Yukari's and holds that hand in both of his. He stokes those slender fingers softly.
"I am all right, Yukari. I grieve for you, and I have my own feelings about having a friend injured." He was angry when he first saw the injury, but his overwhelming feeling was one of compassion. And his dominant need was to do what he could for Yukari, and to help Yukari help himself. Besides, Yukari has told him the perpetrator was a child. Curufin is not such a savage as to take no account of that. He nurtured his younger brothers and some of his cousins when they were children and teenagers, and he himself is a parent. He knows children don't see the world in precisely the way adults do, and they sometimes misjudge the situation. He certainly will go and talk to Tina, but he's not going to her with murderous intention.
". . . but I'm not going to fall apart or fly off the handle or lose patience with you. And right now, this is about you, not about me. I need to take care of you, for your sake and for mine as well." If there is a time to cry, it won't be now -- even if Yukari is willing to offer support as well as receive it. Later, maybe, when Yukari is safely launched upon the road to recovery.
He sees Yukari's face pale. "I will help you for however long you need me. But Yukari, it may not be as long as you fear. My opinion, simply from watching you fight, is that you are unusually skilled. You have fast reflexes and very quick perception. Your brain is apt at learning new things and responding to an unknown situation. That bodes well for the adjustment process -- your brain may very well adapt more speedily than would another's. Those two comrades I mentioned -- neither of them had your level of skill."
I won't get tired of you. And you don't have to do anything to make things easier for me. I do this for friendship and for love.
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Yukari pushes the glass over to Curufin to take up that refill offer. "If you would, please." Water equals friendship and love right now. He'll take another drink when his glass his full again.
Yukari worries for him, but gives an understanding nod. If what Curufin needs to get through this right now is just to take care of Yukari, then Yukari will try his best to allow Curufin to do just that. Everyone copes with pain in different ways, and it would appear that Curufin's is first to handle the crisis, ensure it's path, and then take it in when everything is headed on a better path. For Curufin, there's a time and a place, and right here, right now is not it for him. Yukari can at least respect that, conflicting as it is. He was initially tempted to push himself as often as he could to make this easier on Curufin; now, he fears that might make it worse. Allowing himself to be willingly dependent on Curufin is a thought that... actually somewhat scares him. Even with all of the promises that Curufin won't tire of him or resent taking care of him later. Being taken care of, having to rely on someone else. It scares him to relinquish that remaining bit of control. But... if this is what will make it easier on Curufin, to be able to take care of his friend...
'I'll... do my best to take it easy. I might need to be reminded sometimes to not push myself so hard, especially to recover. But, I promise, I'll let you take care of me if that will ease your pain." A beat as he's unsure what to follow with; he squeezes Curufin's loving hand gently. "You mean everything to me, and thank you for helping me. I care about you, Curufin-san."
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Yukari is right about Curufin's priorities. He worries first about handling a crises, and then, second, he worries about his own feelings about it. That's his normal mode of functioning, and in the past, it was only when he deviated from that plan that there was turbulence in the process. And he knows how hard it is for Yukari to relinquish control, and yet he's finding the courage to do it. That earns him great respect from Curufn.
"All right, that works for me. If you'll only let me do it because you think it will help me, than I'll take that. It is good enough. I'd really like to take care of you, and I'll do my best. And I'll remind you that you don't have to push yourself."
And there it is. . . Yukari is willing to say he cares, right out loud. Curufin's eyes almost melt with tenderness and the surge of good feeling. He squeezes Yukari's hand in return. "You're very welcome. I know you do. And I care for you as well. I don't even have words for how much you mean to me, so it's mutual."
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Yukari has his own pain to deal with. Sometimes he still can't wrap his head around how he got so lucky to love and be loved by Curufin. Despite that Yukari has been upfront with the person he truly is, a blood-lusting beast, inclined by war and chaos - Yukari is familiar with being hated for being that sort of person. He's used to the looks of disgust, pain, and fury. Even Ichigen had a fairly tough time biting down on the person Yukari was when he betrayed his beloved mentor. Despite being forthwith in how he handles his life, Curufin still sees kindness in him, shares good humour with him, and reflects none of his pain back. And that is probably what scares him the most. He worries that one day Curufin truly will get a glimpse of the monster Yukari knows he is, and that he'll lose Curufin because of it. And he keeps that mostly to himself.
And yet, in moment's like this, Curufin is able to ease that fear. In the moment, Curufin is honest and caring, and it makes Yukari not doubt their feelings so much. It gives him the hope that, maybe someday, he'll be comfortable enough to not worry about onlookers or be embarrassed by a caring word. He feels lucky, and warm, and cradled in love when in moment's like this.
He leans forward, gently pulling up Curufin's hand to kiss the back of it gently. For now, even if it is only in private, he'll express those feelings as much as he can bring himself to.
"I'm glad you found me, Curufin-san. You always seem to appear when I need you the most. Please continue to take care of me." That take care of me implies further beyond than just as he recovers from the loss of his eye. It is asking Curufin to never leave him, to stay in his heart forever.
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And the Elf is no stranger to being a monster, or loving them. Yukari was not there in Curufin's world to see the monster Curufin became by the end of the First Age. And at the time, his brothers weren't all that much of an improvement over him, especially Celegorm. His son Celebrimbor was the only one who escaped the taint, since he hadn't taken the Oath. Curufin still loved them all, insofar as he could still love.
Yukari fears his friend will see him someday for a blood-lusting beast, taught to be so by war and chaos? -- in what way is that going to frighten Curufin the Crafty, who slew his own friends and distant kin, the Teleri, stealing their ships in order to leave the land of the Gods for Middle-earth? Curufin, who burned those same ships on the other side in order to try to preclude the possibility of anybody taking a ship back to get his uncle Fingolfin's side of the family -- thus forcing them to cross the frozen wastes on foot, losing many of their people in the process? Curufin, who betrayed his cousin Finrod to his death and took his kingdom from him? Curufin, who engineered the Second Kinslaying and brought his brothers to Doriath, with the intention of carrying out his earlier threat of killing all of its people if they didn't yield the Silmaril?
It's true that he's honest and caring, and that he loves Yukari. But he has a complex history, and he knows that Yukari does, too. It's not going to terrify him if he catches a glimpse of the person Yukari used to be, and maybe sometimes still is. It might in fact be said that he did catch a glimpse of that person, or a dim refection of him. In Yukari's double. And he still could feel tenderness for him.
Yukari's gesture makes him smile again; his friend's lips are soft on his knuckles.
"I am glad, too. I will keep taking care of you." I won't leave you. I will stay in your heart. He kisses his forehead.
And he wraps his other arm around Yukari and draws him back to his shoulder.
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Still, he's finding it harder to resist how heavy his eyelids feel.
"Curufin-san..." His breath becomes deep as he closes his eye. "Stay... Just a little longer. Please..."
He blinks his eye a few more times, nuzzling against the Elf's shoulder, as he softly caresses Curufin's hand before finally falling asleep on that warm shoulder.
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