hadriel_logs | You Will Be The Flame That Burns In My Breast

Entry tags:

You Will Be The Flame That Burns In My Breast

Who: Curufin and Yukari (closed)
What: Yukari's resurrection after his fight with Sato
Where: Starting at Hope's Temple
When: February 27
Warnings: Mild mentions of bedroom things

After the glorious battle with Sato, with the end result of losing his life (which he expected as much, being hindered with his lost eye), Yukari's eyes flicker open only a few days later as he wakes up in Hope's Temple. When the memories come back to him, as though waking from a dream, he sits up abruptly, looking around for a surface to check his reflection. The world looks more normal, but he has to be sure.

Did it work?

With no immediate surfaces around, he opts to use his hand, covering his left eye. Indeed, he can see with his refreshed right eye. He feels his breath swell with joy. Thank the powers that be, it worked! He'd have to remember how helpful death is with a deformity in the future.

He lowers his hand, pulling himself off the altar and grabbing his sword in tow. Another glance around and a warm smile comes across his face.

"Curufin-san." He's happy to see his partner waiting for him, just as he asked. He gives a light chuckle. "What do you think? Good as new, just like I promised, right?"

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Curufin has been here for more than twenty-four hours, sitting beside the alter where Yukari's body now lies.

He is no stranger to watching beside the dead. However, he did not find Yukari here at first. And he dared not leave for fear of not being here when at last he was needed.

Such silence, where the fallen lie or are cared for somewhere deep in the recesses of the building, in chambers inaccessible to anyone but the gods. Although the place was clean and bright, the place felt to him like a tomb. And yet there was an aura of. . . well, hope. It was Hope's temple, after all.

He must have fallen into a dream, as Elves sometimes did without actually sleeping. And when he looked up again at the alter, it was not empty. He sprang up and went to his friend. He expected at first to see the bloodstains of a fatal battle and the look of deadly pallor that the dead have. Or rather, that's what his fear expected. But it was not so.

Yukari looks as though he is merely sleeping, his hands folded on his chest, which rises and falls slightly. His sword is beside him. And then he stirs like a sleeper awakening, and sits up. He lays his hand over his left eye, checking for vision in the right, then grabs his sword and springs lightly off the alter.

Curfuin can't speak for a moment. He hardly knows what to say. Finally he wets his dry lips with his tongue and replies, "Yes, as you promised."

Yukari's brows furrow slightly when that's the only thing Curufin says. There is a pain where he didn't expect it to be.

"I probably hurt you, didn't I?" There's a faint smile, but the tone is low. He leans back against the altar, dropping the sword into his lap. He had been selfish, he knows it. But he honestly thought the fix would make everything better, for both of them. "I suppose I didn't take into too much consideration how this would make you feel, having to wait for me, knowing I would die."

Perhaps it would have been easier if I said nothing at all, and let you see me new again.

The next words are on the edge of his tongue, but he can't bring himself to say them. They're selfish again, and it doesn't feel appropriate in the moment. I just wanted you to be the first thing I saw when I woke up.

Instead, he opts for something else. He's not sure if it will help, but right now, he's scared of losing Curufin to this selfish behaviour of his. He had promised he would never wittingly hurt Curufin, but then he went and did this. Should he move toward him or stay where he's at? He opts for the latter, afraid that if he moves, he might fall apart when he has no right to. He looks at the sword in his lap, gripping against it's sheath softly.

"I'm sorry, Curufin-san..." He can feel tears welling up in his eyes, and he fights them back. He has no right to cry right now. Fighting back that fear, even in Hope's Temple, it was hard to. But, right now, if anyone should cry, it's probably Curufin, and he needs to be there for him. He needs to be willing to listen, to be yelled at, and to pick up the pieces of what he's broken.

Edited 2017-03-01 13:54 (UTC)

Curufin would have had no quarrel with Yukari's "selfish" wish. He wanted the same thing -- for his face to be the first thing Yukari saw when he woke. And failing that, some other kindly face. But he had not left anything to chance, he had come early.

And whatever his own fears, he can't blame Yukari for them.

If Yukari looks up, he will see the glow of sorrow, relief, and love in Curufin's dark eyes. For a moment, the Elf stands there, motionless, and then he fights the force that has left him frozen and unable to respond the way he wants to. He breaks his inertia and closes the distance between them, takes that one step that separates them.

He sits down on the edge of the alter beside his friend and takes him in his arms. One hand is lifted to stroke that soft violet hair whose texture is so inviting to his most loving touch.

"I am glad you are back," he says, his voice roughened by the tears he has not shed. He saw the moisture shining in Yukari's eyes just before he stepped forward, and he can feel the fear in Yukari's posture. "I'm here, and I still care."

How Curufin can be so gentle and understanding even after all of this, it may never stop surprising Yukari. Then gentle personality contrasted so strongly to Yukari's sharp own. He supposes he shouldn't be surprised that Curufin chose to close that distance, taking Yukari into his arms to console him despite after all that Yukari had put him through. After all of this, Curufin still chooses to be stronger than Yukari is in this whole emotional endeavour.

Yukari turns and embraces Curufin tightly, as strong as his arms will let him. Even if the world were watching, he wouldn't care in this moment. Loving Curufin was more important right now, damn the rest. Hearing the roughness in Curufin's voice only makes him want to reach out even further. Until now, he had let Curufin do all of the consoling for the entire ordeal, for Curufin's sanctity of mind. But now, maybe Curufin can allow himself to fall apart.

"...I'm here, Curufin-san. I'm here, it's alright." You can cry if that's what you need. The nightmare is over.

He won't let go until Curufin is ready to. He's not the best at consolation, but he'll try. Curufin is worth trying for. He kisses the side of Curufin's head softly.

Yukari only knows Curufin as he is now, not as he was in the past. The closest he has come to seeing Curufin as he once was, was during Rage's event, when Curufin just wanted to destroy buildings. But even then, the rage that took possession of him was mitigated -- he made sure there was nobody in any of the buildings he blew up, first. The old Curufin would not have done that. He'd have blown the spires and the Colosseum to kingdom come, and if anybody was in there, to hell with them!

But this Curufin has had time to consider the disaster that was his life, time to remember the people he has harmed, time to reflect on who he really is (without the Oath), time to remember that his real nature is love.

And he doesn't judge Yukari for having a certain thorniness and spikyness in his being. That aspect of Yukari is familiar to Curufin, as familiar as a brother. You might say that there is a shadow in both their personalities, that it has different manifestations in each, but Curufin hears the call of Yukari's darkness to his own. And he does not reject that which he and Yukari have in common, neither in himself nor in Yukari. That is the secret -- that is why he can be so gentle.

Yukari's arms come around him and embrace him tightly. He gives a soft sigh, and smiles a little when his friend kisses the side of his head. He leans his cheek against Yukari's hair.

And the tears begin slowly to spill down his cheeks. At first it is very disconcerting. He is so used to suppressing any such expression. He is the one who manages things, who thinks up schemes and solutions, who takes care of emergencies, who responds to the demands of the moment. Tears so rarely seem compatible with any of that. "I'm sorry," he says.

But then, he simply continues to hold onto Yukari. "Oh gods, what a nightmare it was. I don't know why I can't just be strong. I don't even let myself weep when in my son's presence, and you know how much reason a father would have to mourn what happened to him."

"You are strong, the strongest I know. I know this to be true. You can't cry around your son because he's still hurting. And you won't until his pain ends, if it ever does." His voice is gentle, yet it firmly points out Curufin's strength.

Curufin is solid like a mountain, crumbling neither for quake nor fire. He only allows his pieces to collapse in the rains that wash away the destructions caused by the Chaos.

He had gotten glimpses of Celebrimbor's mental suffering. A gentle soul he was, but he didn't hesitate to fill Yukari in on some of the gaps that Yukari was assuming on. And, since he had already seen Curufin shove aside his emotions to take care of Yukari for the entire duration of this chaos, even when Yukari thought he felt stronger, he knows this is certainly the case for Celebrimbor.

"I can't... No, I won't stop telling you to be the you that is a caretaker. It is the best way you know how to deal with pain, and there is no shame in it. But there is no shame in now, either. Curufin-san, you are beautiful.

You are beautiful, and you are strong. Crying is not a weakness, and standing tall while you take care of everyone else, only letting yourself cry when the nightmare is over, that is not weakness either."

He strokes a hand through Curufin's hair, reaching up and resting it against his head reassuringly.

"I know that you are only able to cry now because my pain has ended. And that is okay. You were my strength this whole time, even when I expected otherwise - in the form of anger, fear, or sadness. You were entirely gentle." A gentle, reassuring squeeze of his hands against Curufin, to let him know he cares. "Even now, you were strong enough to reach past your pain and see into mine. I understand that this is a part of you."

A pain that was selfish and afraid, and you still reached to coddle it.

"You are not weak for giving others, for giving me, the best of you. All I want is to be able to give some of that strength back to you. Not because you are weak, but because you helped me be strong. And I want to only help you be even stronger. So, cry. As long as you need, I am right here. I'm not going anywhere. You're beautiful, and brave, and strong. Don't ever doubt any of that."

Curufin nods, and the tears continue to fall. He shuts his eyes and leans his head against that reassuring hand resting in his hair. For a moment, the anguish feels supportable only because Yukari is with him. And some of it is for Yukari, and some of it is for Celebrimbor.

Finally, he sighs and wipes his eyes.

"You are kind, Yukari," he says, softly. "Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I wanted to be your strength, and I guess I was, but I didn't know that you could be mine as well. I wanted to help you be strong, and now you are doing the same for me. Thank you. Forever, thank you."

Oh, do not ever believe that your pain is sellfish! It is just human, and it deserves to be comforted. I will never believe otherwise.

"You, too, my friend, you are beautiful, brave, and strong." And he brushes his own hand through Yukari's hair, and smiles into his two violet eyes.

Edited 2017-03-03 07:28 (UTC)

He gives a rather flustered reaction to being called kind.

"I...I am not. You're just special, okay? If it were anyone else, I wouldn't have said anything." Words he's certain are true. Why would he go out of his way for anyone else? So, what if the person that says otherwise is me? He reaches up, gently setting a hand on Curufin's face, caressing it with his thumb. "But you're welcome."

Meeting Curufin's gaze, seeing those eyes smiling back at him, Yukari softly leans up and gives a gentle kiss to Curufin. Admittedly, he's a little nervous, because it is in a Temple, where anyone could walk in if desired. But he makes it a point to linger in that kiss for a moment before letting it go.

"I had... thought during my battle about your request. To stop adding an honourific to your name." He's not sure how to say what he wants to. He's not sure he can here. "I... maybe we should talk about it over coffee. Shall we go home?"

Curufin makes a hmm! noise but doesn't try to refute Yukari's claim. He just smiles and accepts that caress to his face. . . and then that sweet lingering kiss, which he returns.

"You thought about my request while trading sword-blows with your slayer??" He blinks. Now that makes me feel special." Small grin.

"All right. Let's go and talk more." He stands up, offering a hand to Yukari. His friend doesn't look like he's feeling weak from his resurrection, but Curufin is offering in case he does.

Yukari takes that hand, but not because he feels fatigued. Softly, shyly, he entwines his fingers with Curufin's as he steps away from the altar. He looks at Curufin's fingers as he caresses them with his own for a moment. He didn't realise it was possible to miss something so much when one is in the void, waiting to come back into existence. A gentle squeeze and he starts leading the way to his house. His pace isn't brisk, it's uncertain. One moment, he's trying to get to his house as quickly as possible, and the next he's trying to slow his pace to savour the slow moment with Curufin. His mind is just as back and forth, trying to decide how soon he wants to reach his house to talk about the honourific request. He can only imagine how this all appears to Curufin. Confusing? Strange? Funny?

He tries to break up his alternating speeds with mild conversation. Not that he's having alot of success in that department either.

"When was the last time you ate? Did you wait for me this whole time without anything to eat or drink?" It's not condescending or teasing. It's a gentle diversion while he gives himself time to think. And maybe he should cook for Curufin after making him wait after such an ordeal.

Curufin could have told him about the Void, from his own experience. But there wasn't time, and probably neither of them would have been inclined to have such a discussion when they had last spoken, through Curufin's mailbox.

The alternating speeds do seem a little strange to Curufin, but he assumes Yukari knows what he's doing. He may or may not know what he is feeling, but that's for later. First, they just need to get where they are going. It's all right with Curufin if they don't get there very fast.

"When did I last eat? -- uh, can't remember. But I had my water flask with me." Except he had forgotten to drink form it after the first twelve hours. "Shall we cook when we get to your house?" No way is he going to make Yukari cook for him. It was an ordeal for both of them. They can make a meal together.

"If you can't remember when you last ate, I should say so. What would you like?" Too bad, he's going to try to cook all by himself anyway. Just try to stop him. He dares you.

Yukari's pace finally evens out - a little faster than normal, but nothing exaggerated. And when they finally reach Yukari's house, he opens the door, motioning to allow Curufin to enter first. When Yukari follows, he gazes around his home. It was truly relieving to see it with both eyes again.

He sets his sword against the wall next to the sofa and heads into the kitchen, pulling out the necessary materials for cooking, glancing back at the sofa to see if Curufin had taken a seat.

Edited 2017-03-04 08:56 (UTC)

Oh no you don't. You're going to have an assistant whether you like it or not.

In Yukari's house, Curufin sheds his coat and leaves his own sword against the wall with Yukari's. (Can't have them being lonely. Swords have feelings too!)

And then he sneaks into the kitchen right behind his friend, so that they nearly collide when Yukari turns around suddenly.

"I'm helping," he explains.

Yukari pulls some vegetables from the fridge and turns around to close the door behind him, barely catching himself from crashing into the elf. He almost, almost yells out when he nearly collides into Curufin. He wasn't expecting him there at all. Instead, his face just drops into one of complete shock. Being caught off guard made it more difficult to retaliate quickly. It makes Yukari's mind go blank while it scrambles for an answer.

"Y...You don't have to." He clears his throat and tries to straighten himself, setting the vegetables on the counter. "You're free to relax. I'm certain you must be tired after waiting on me all that time in the Temple."

He adds water to the pan and sets it on the stove to warm. He returns to the refrigerator to pull out a package of meat and returns to the counter to begin cutting the ingredients.

"Does a stew sound alright to you?" Simple and tasty should do just fine, right?

Curufin is a little sorry he startled his friend. He had momentarily forgotten how active Yukari's startle reflexes were.

"And I'm certain you must be tired after dying and being resurrected. That can't have been a picnic! Come, Yukari, let me help. I don't have to, but I want to." He gives Yukari a look of humor and warmth, his dark eyes glowing.

And he comes around the counter and holds out his hand for the knife. "I'll chop, you cook. Just like before. And yes, a stew sounds fine. Whatever is easiest for you."

Only because you're a super stealth-Elf, Curufin. You slip past his radar in so many ways.

Yukari's eyebrows raise up at the claim. He supposes Sato was brutal in their combat session. But he had expected nothing less. It was certainly more beautiful than traumatizing. Something he's certain Sato would agree with. Yukari was treated as an equal in combat, even with his handicap. Undoubtedly, Sato had earned a large amount of respect from Yukari. He even hopes they'll battle again, when Yukari is at full power, to properly display his true capabilities. Would it be weird to say he felt more rejuvenated than tired?

If he did, would it worry Curufin even more?

Slowly, he hands the knife over to Curufin. "Very well, I suppose you won't be deterred no matter what I say. Cut the meat first, if you would, please." Yukari gets flour and spices from the cabinet, combining the dry mixture into a bowl with a whisk.

He tries. He considers it part of his function in the world, to slip past radars.

He notes the raised eyebrow. "You have a different opinion of dying?"

Curufin is hard to worry. He has his flash points and a few issues of his own, and he loves Yukari, so about some things, he worries. But not about Yukari thinking that getting killed was beautiful. Curufin thinks his own death was beautiful, although certainly it was terrible as well, and completely needless, and a disaster for others. It isn't a thing he has ever talked about, though if he were going to, it would be to a relative or to Yukari.

He smiles. "You're right, I won't be deterred. Thank you for letting me help. Yes, I'll make short work of the meat!" And he takes the knife and sets about cutting it into stewing-sized pieces.

Edited 2017-03-04 16:55 (UTC)

"It was certainly better than the death I experienced at Clone Sans-chan's hands, if that's what you mean. I can't say I've had the opportunity to admire the beauty of battle many times since I've arrived here. And the fact that it helped me get something I want makes it even more so."

It's certainly an upside that they get the bonus of being resurrected here. If he had thought he would never come back from it, he would have chosen Curufin over death. That goes without question.

When Curufin is done cutting the meat, he pours it into the water and allows it to sear for some time before adding the flour mix and then adding the vegetables that Curufin has chopped. Even after all that is done, Yukari sifts through the cupboard, as though appearing to look for something. It's a quiet moment in the kitchen while they wait for the stew to finish and he isn't certain what to say next.

In fact, there's only one thing that comes to mind: The main reason he brought Curufin back home.

"About your request..." he pauses, taking a breath as he thinks of how to word this. "I think... there's something we should do before I can grant it." He keeps his focus deep into the stew as he stirs it. He's not making eye contact with the Elf.

Curufin nods slowly. Yes, he can understand.

And after the meat is cut and the vegetable chopped and all is in the pan, he leans on the counter and contemplates Yukari with his dark eyes. It becomes obvious that his friend is a little restless or nervous.

"What would that be?" he asks, quietly.

Edited 2017-03-05 09:07 (UTC)

The spoon pauses in Yukari's hand and his face reddens. So much for this being easier at home. He finds himself unable to spit out the words he had been trying to rehearse in his head the entire way here.

"I think... That is, I..." He covers his face for a moment with his other hand. Just why is this so stressful anyway? He finds himself trembling as he has to remind himself to stir the stew before it burns. This is way more difficult than he imagined it would be. After he's made sure the stew won't burn, he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He chooses the best words he can manage at this point. Anything deeper is too difficult to say.

"I think... we should be more..." He removes the stew from the heat, making certain he's staring at a counter before he opens his eyes again. He's too nervous to keep stirring like this. "...Intimate..."

For the moment, he keeps his eyes closed. He almost feels afraid to open them. He wonders what Curufin's expression is, what he's thinking, and recalling that awful letter his Double had left for him. Was it too forward?

The double may have been an echo of Yukari, but he was not Yukari. This is an entirely different situation, and there is no reason why it should be easy. Is it ever easy?

"You're a brave man, Yukari," says Curufin. His eyes glow softly as he looks upon his friend. He believes this. Yukari has climbed over difficulties to achieve this moment, and the painful awkwardness of it doesn't make it any less valiant, in Curufin's eyes.

"Is that what you really want?"

Yukari opens his eyes, glancing at the stew before turning, looking to Curufin. He's finding it difficult to make eye contact at this moment. He can't tell if that gentle gaze of Curufin's is making this easier or more difficult to admit. After another moment, he gives a nod.

"Yes, I'm certain of it." He surprises himself that he was able to say that in a level tone. He'd half expected his voice to shake from the shyness he felt. He's not even sure what he should do right now. He reaches out to softly take Curufin's hand, brushing his fingers along the Elf's, before he dares himself to look Curufin in the face, to meet that tender gaze.

[ OOC: Moved left. ]

Curufin waits for Yukari to make eye-contact, giving him all the time in the world.

And then when his friend affirms that he's certain, his voice is clear and definite.

Curufin wraps Yukari's fingers in his, gently stroking them. He isn't sure what he should do, either, but he trusts to the moment. There is time for them to figure this out.

He meets Yukari's eyes -- and he can see the daring in them, which Yukari's shyness does not detract from. In fact, both qualities are a part of Yukari's courage.

Curufin smiles into those shy, courageous, beautiful eyes. And he leans forward and kisses first Yukari's cheek and then his lips. Curufin's mouth touches lightly and then moves in a delicate lip-caress. Then he draws back just enough to look again into Yukari's eyes.

"I have said that there is no hurry. So, even if we have decided to go ahead, we need not rush. Above all, I want it to be right for you."

Edited 2017-03-05 11:18 (UTC)

He returns that gentle kiss with one of his own. Sweetly, and just as delicately. He willingly meets Curufin's gaze when he pulls back.

His heart skips a nervous beat when Curufin clarifies on not needing to rush. Information he knew already brought gently to his attention again.

"Right. Yes, of course." He's not entirely sure what right constitutes as, but he does find himself wondering how different the Elf's touch might be in the bedroom. He can't help but glance the direction of his bedroom as he gives it probably a second's longer thought than he should, turning back to Curufin promptly before covering his face with a hand at the realisaion that he's blushing again. Oops...

Curufin might have a hard time defining exactly what right means, but it would be something to do with wanting Yukari to know that this is for him. He doesn't know what his friend's past lovers might have been like, but he suspects some might have been selfish and ungentle. He wants him to know that he won't have to accept the unacceptable just to feel wanted.

And Curufin's touch is not different in the bedroom. He's a gentle, passionate lover, and a generous one. It's true that he has a wild past, but this is the present.

Oops, Yukari's blushing again. Curufin reaches out and touches the back of the hand with which Yukari is covering his glowing face. And then he touches his hair with a light caress.

Selfish and ungentle might be a bit of an understatement. For Yukari, his last choice of partner left such an ill taste in his mouth that he has a strong hatred for the Christmas holiday, as it was near Christmas that the incident occurred. For anyone to affect him that negatively, it certainly takes alot. It didn't end well is usually all he'll say about the matter. Not that many get close enough for him to say even that much. And that much Curufin has heard, when Yukari disclosed his childhood to him. And he's not certain if he'll ever disclose what happened back then.

Yukari sets his hand against the back of Curufin's as the blushing subsides, that sweet caress easing his mind a little. A gentle reminder from the Elf that it's alright. He's allowed to think such things. Curufin's his partner, not some fantasy stranger. And, sometimes Yukari has to remind himself of that. That it's okay to feel desire. He gently takes Curufin's hand and kisses the inside of Curufin's palm.

He wonders if it will truly be so easy for him to drop that suffix, though. Sure he's dropped it in pure frustration, but... this is different. This is per Curufin's wish, to signify a closer bond. It was a request that appeared as if from nowhere. When Curufin was called -chan, he didn't seem to think anything of it. Although, the switch to -san was undoubtedly more definitive - the day they admitted their feelings for each other, when Yukari felt unstable in the argument that preceded that confession. Admittedly, it had been a suffix of respect, which he had a great amount of for the Elf; but it was also undoubtedly a line of defense as it turned from endless teasing into something more.

Yukari can't remember ever being so insecure, but then, he can't remember feeling this involved with anyone before. Not even with his last partner. Having someone who's reached deep enough to have the ability to affect the way he views the world was new, and frightening. He's known Curufin long enough that he wouldn't think that the Elf would do anything to internally destroy him; Curufin's been nothing but sweet, understanding, and yielding to Yukari's needs and reactions, no matter what they've been. But there's the internal voice that comes from so many years of being loathed, despised, for what he is at his core - where Curufin is love, Yukari is undoubtedly Chaos - it makes him doubt sometimes just how real this is. Intimacy is nothing short of terrifying, not because he doesn't want it, but because of what can be taken away after the path is crossed.

Dropping the honourific entirely, for Yukari, is synonymous with that level of intimacy. It's why Yukari mentioned it as such - that if he's going to signify that bond, then they should be bonded in the physical sense as well. And it took alot for him to say that. To say that he's ready to take the next step if Curufin wanted to. Curufin was only asking for a little, but it tied into a whole lot for Yukari.

He moves that hand a little closer and gives Curufin a gentle kiss on the fingertips.

Whether he does or does not disclose any of this, it is okay with Curufin. He's here to be supportive in whatever way works for Yukari.

Yukari is allowed to think such things, and he is allowed to feel desire. Curufin gives him another soft look when Yukari takes his hand and kisses the palm. Yukari's lips are warm and soft.

The request that Yukari drop the -san does not indicate an absolute desire. It is negotiable, and Curufin won't mind if his friend finds it too complicated to do so. Curufin asked simply because he thinks of them as equals. He's a little hazy on the fine distinctions amongst the honorifics, the Elves having a different arrangement, but he does see that these are not just words, they signify complex social and emotional ways of thinking.

"Say, Yukari, we could resort to calling each other Curufin-san and Yukari-san, if that would suit you better than dropping the -san altogether. But it's up to you. You decide."

Curufin has a very different history than Yukari does, but insofar as he knows anything about Yukari, he understands that his friend has a fear of intimacy, and has sufficient reasons for that fear. And yet he doesn't perceive himself and Yukari as a pair of diametrically opposed opposites, at the core of their beings. Yes, Curufin is Love, but he's also partly Darkness, or in Yukari's terms, Chaos. And he perceives Yukari as having Love at his core, too. There's no other explanation for the sweetness that wells out of his heart as a gift to Curufin. Even the double had a part of that! -- so powerful a force is love, that even that unfortunate echo of Yukari who vanished into the Dark from whence he must have come -- even he had some of that sweetness.

But even Curufin is not fearless; he would agree that intimacy is frightening. As sweet as it can be, it is also a leap into an abyss, like falling into or out of the sky and not knowing if anybody is really going to catch you. There is an built-in uncertainty about it that can't be denied. Lovers take chances, not only with their hearts, but with all that they are. The rewards are very real, and Curufin would not be without his own history in that respect. He tried to love, as best he could, beginning when he was young and continuing after he foreswore the Oath. Some very good things came to him as a result. And some bad things. But he knows the results of loving can't really be toted up on a scoreboard. It is always something fragile and beautiful, and it is always just itself.

Yukari has taken the risk of saying he's ready to take that step. Curufin honors him for his courage, and he is willing as long as his friend is willing.

And Curufin smiles a little as Yukari kisses his fingertips. He brushes those lips with his own fingers and looks into his friend's lovely eyes, and he curls that hand around Yukari's cheek and strokes it gently. Their movements have almost a quality of dance, as deliberate and delicate and lyrical as they are.

Edited 2017-03-07 13:54 (UTC)

The problem with Yukari's honourifics is that it is a distinct mention of what he thinks of someone at any given time. If he uses -chan, he has very little respect for the person and seeks to antagonise them. If he uses -san, he's already carrying them with higher respect than he does himself, the few and far between. And -sama has only been reserved for one - the man who sat in a place he could never reach; his first King.

Yukari occasionally referred to himself using the -chan suffix as well. Mostly just to be cute about it, referring to himself in the third person. But when Curufin mentions that he could switch to a -san suffix for Yukari as well, he can feel himself internally cringe, his lips pressing into a thin line for only a second.

"No... No, I'd rather drop the suffix." He's certain that would be easier than accepting the new title from Curufin. He's not sure why the thought of being called -san aches. Would it be from the lack of familiarity, or the notion of additional respect that bothers him more about it? He can't seem to discern that for himself at this moment.

The difference between their two darknesses is that Yukari openly displays his, and has seen nothing but kindness from Curufin. Certainly, there was that time when they destroyed the Colosseum together. But that was as dark as Curufin got, and Yukari knew it was because of Rage's influence that Curufin was able to display such a side. He hadn't particularly seen it since in anything more than stolen kisses and dirty wordplay at the expense of Yukari's flustered reactions. Even when he deserved to be yelled at, Curufin showed nothing but kindness. And, in a way, that defined the light he saw Curufin in. Curufin's love and tenderness had shined through in everything he did.

And he had heard Curufin speak of his past, the way he once was. War-driven, like himself. Their paths showed alot of similarities. And certainly, thousands of years probably allow ample time for Curufin's level of growth. But that was another difference that Yukari saw between himself and the Elf - where Curufin had chosen to grow, Yukari wasn't so certain he wanted to. In fact, the idea almost never crossed Yukari's mind. He didn't think about changing because he didn't think he needed to change. He accepted his nigh-undefeatable mercenary title with great pride; it gave definition to his own life. And Curufin's warmth and gentleness brought Yukari's darker sides to his attention. Sides that Curufin hasn't heard or seen yet. A fight with a little girl? It stood as nothing compared to what Yukari would willingly, thrillingly choose to do. Yukari had been called a blood-lusting beast back at home for those inexplicably divine lapses in his sanity. And though he enjoyed them, he now dreaded the day if Curufin should see him in such a state. Inside these city walls, there is certainly no way he wouldn't hear of such a thing. Surely, he thinks, that will be the day when I am cast aside. The day he sees me the way others who have come to fear me do.

In the back of his mind, he recalls speaking to someone else on the anonymous boards about a very similar situation: The act of Nature versus Nurture. The anonymous person was willing to challenge the very person he was for the sake of being with their friend. An admirable dedication. And Yukari now found himself questioning if he, too, could be so willing to lay on the line what he is at his very depths in the name of pursuing something more than friendship.

Maybe the day won't come when he has to challenge that... Right now, there are far more worthy things to be had on his mind. He'll just choose to cross that other bridge when they get to it.

As Curufin brushes his lips and meets his gaze, stroking his cheek, Yukari leans up, standing on his toes, and kisses Curufin. Deeply and warmly, slowly wrapping his arms around the Elf's shoulders.

"All right," he agrees, "We'll drop the suffix."

And as for light and darkness, Curufin doesn't see himself as one who is all light or even primarily light. He knows how much of him is darkness and always will be. A part of his journey has been coming to terms with this fundamental fact. It is just that he has taken different tacks at different times. Towards the end of his tenure in Arda, he had accepted his darkness and conspired to kill his cousin Finrod in order to take his kingdom from him. At the very end of his life, he had accepted his darkness but rejected the Oath and instead of searching his enemy's dead body for the Silmaril, he had reached out to take his dying brothers' hands. And after his own death, he had drifted in the realms of earth, dream, Death's Halls, and the Void, accepting his darkness, seeking those he loved, and searching for the light that illuminates confusion and makes sorrow meaningful. But he did not reject the darkness or the darkness in him. That would have been to turn in the direction of delusion, and he had no time for that.

He had no fear of what he might see if Yukari chose to show him his most chaotic side. There could be no bloodthirsty beast in Yukari that could be worse than the bloodthirsty beast that had been Curufin in the Elder Days. He would not cast him aside; he would remain at his side and try to keep him from wreaking destruction on those who did not deserve it.

To lay on the line all that you are, for the sake of a relationship -- sooner or later we all come to that. At least, that is what Curufin would avow. If Yukari wanted to take on that challenge, he would have all of Curufin's support.

But now, at this moment, the challenge before them is something a little different. Related, but different. Intimacy, that road that leads into an unknown country.

He twines his arms about Yukari's waist and looks down into his sweet lucent eyes. And he lets himself enjoy the warmth of his friend's kiss, the delight of Yukari's arms around his shoulders, the tenderness of his body pressed lightly against Curufin's. "How sweet you are, Yukari!" he murmurs. And he dips his head again and tips his mouth it to meet those soft lips once more. He softly caresses Yukari's lips with his own, and with a smile of the eyes, he kisses first that shapely upper lip and then then the lush lower one, his tongue touching each, delicately, as though asking permission to venture into this territory. Two distinct motions, both tributes to the loveliness and the kindness of his friend. . . soon to become his lover.

Edited 2017-03-10 22:43 (UTC)

Feeling Curufin's arms around his waist is soothing, as though being cradled and protected. Yukari has never thought of himself as needing protection, but being inside the Elf's arms like this, felt as though he would welcome the notion if it were presented. A sense of safety... when was the last time he felt like this? Not having to worry about the world around him?

He remembers: with his mother. Oh, how long it had been since he had allowed himself to feel this way. Lacking nothing in need or want and feeling the bliss of someone who cares for you. Even though the types of love are different, the security has been there in both. The gentle, sweet kindness. The encouragement. How he had forgotten those feelings of a gentle embrace since his mother had passed on. And had not realised how much he missed them until Curufin walked into his life - admiring him, teasing him, being understanding, and being gentle even when Yukari least deserved it.

What a beautiful thing to have, in this moment.

And then Curufin calls him sweet. Yukari can't help but see himself as a Blood-lusting Beast that he has been called out on being time and again before. Being kind, as far as he's concerned, is limited strictly to one person alone. And if it wasn't for Curufin, he would probably never be kind at all. He had no reason to be before he knew Curufin even existed.

"I am not," his voice softly retaliates. "I told you that already. You're just special... an exception to the rule."

But as the kisses continue, that retaliation subsides completely. He can feel the heat in his cheeks. The softness and the warmth were almost intoxicating, and being this close to someone was unheard of for him. And Curufin's tongue so delicate on his lips is equally as new. He permits his mouth to open, faintly brushing his tongue along Curufin's top lip to give him that permission. His fingers grip lightly against the Elf's shoulders, as if trying to pull him closer, even with how close they already are.

And these are the things that Curufin most wants to give Yukari -- a sense of safety, a feeling that he is loved, the assurance that he can count on Curufin's treating him with gentleness and kindness.

Especially in this moment.

"It's all right," he murmurs, "I can be the exception. But if you can be sweet to me, then sweetness is a capability that you have. I have seen it and experienced it, and I believe in it."

The kisses go on. When Yukari touches his tongue to Curufin's upper lip and grips his shoulders to pull him closer, the Elf slides his hands down Yukari's back, encircling that taut slender waist with his arms. Their bodies are pressed close, now, chest to chest, hips to hips, though the emphasis is still on the loving affection rather than the heat of bodies in proximity. Curufin deepens the kiss a little, touching his friend's tongue with his own, sliding his mouth along Yukari's, lightly and sensuously. He detours sometimes to place affectionate kisses on his friend's cheeks, and to look into his eyes and smile at him with warm, shining eyes.

You let me know when you are ready to move to the next level, okay?

Edited 2017-03-14 06:33 (UTC)

Moved to musebox.

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You Will Be The Flame That Burns In My Breast

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