I Chased the End of Your Road.

[glacius]

Who: Glacius (glacius) and Carlisle (tongueamok).
What: Carlisle tries to help pull Glacius up out of the pit of depression that Kate's disappearance has toppled him into.
Where: Their apartment.
When: Backdated to 4/29.
Warnings: Ice alien sads :'[

It hadn't taken Glacius long to realize that something had happened to Kate. It had been days and days since the masquerade and he hadn't seen hide nor hair of her since; not in his morning stops by the clinic, not on his routine patrols, not even on the network or in his phone's directory. Her complete absence was a heart-clenching, gut-dropping realization that spurred the alien to do everything in his power to find her. He spent days at a time a the clinic, poking by her residence, hoping she'd turn up in one of the places that she frequented like she had the last time she'd disappeared, but it was not to be. All that he had managed to find was some of his friend's possessions, and, realizing it was going to be the only link he would have to one of the people who had steadfastly stood by him despite the worst of the odds that were stacked against them, the alien had collected what he could.

It did nothing to ease the growing pain in his hearts, but at least he could safeguard some of the things that were important to his friend, and at least he had a physical testament to the time they had together even if it was simultaneously a stabbing reminder that she was no longer here with him.

Now there was nothing more he could do but put some feelers out. Posting to the network had been another attempt on Glacius' part to do everything he could to find his friend... but it has also been an act of resignation, of knowing there was nothing more he could do than hope against hope. Now even that had been dashed; no one else could find her, no one else had seen or so much as heard from her, and the alien was ultimately forced to shut down the feed. No matter how well-meaning the responses were, every reply that filtered in was just another confirmation of the fact that Kate was well and truly gone--and like many of the other developments that came with falling in so closely with other people, Glacius didn't know how to handle it. He could feel himself drifting off into a fog and he couldn't muster up the strength to navigate himself out of it; how could he, when one of his greatest sources of it in this cave had been wrested from him?

So here he was, sequestered away in the far corner of his darkened room, attempting to scrape some together from the only things that he had left of his friend. His knees were drawn up to his chest and his head was bowed despondently as he cradled the human's stuffed elephant tightly to his body. It was broken body language, the likes of which he hadn't fallen into since Emily's death, and he knew it--it was why he was hiding himself from everyone in his grieving. Or almost everyone. He should know that it wouldn't take his partner long to notice he was slipping, but his thoughts were not exactly at their clearest now.

Comments

[tongueamok]

"I would need someone who knows how to enchant things, for a start," he answers as Glacius pushes against his jaw. His neck arches, head tilting back, giving the alien access to the bare skin beneath. "It is unfortunately a fickle art, and one I am not terribly versed in, myself."

He leans back further, feeling Glacius' mandible at his jaw. "I suppose I could ask around and see if anyone is, ah. An enchanter here. Of a different sort."

Though that would require him to actually ask.

[glacius]

"What does it even require to enchant something to begin with?" Glacius replies, taking the opportunity to hide his face against Carlisle's neck now that he's been given space. He might be trying to distract himself with a topic other than Kate's disappearance, though it does little to hide the reason why they're having this conversation at all... at least learning of his partner's world is always interesting to him. Maybe that will help to cheer him up, or at least help give him a brief respite from all of the heavy thoughts that have been weighing him down recently.

[tongueamok]

"Someone who knows the proper incantations, for one," Carlisle explains, indicating that he is not that someone. "Most enchanters must pour their own energy into both the enchanting process and the spell they want to enchant an object with. What made Kate's ability extraordinary was that she was able to make everyday object susceptible to my own channels, meaning all I had to do was add my healing energies to them for them to work for anyone who would use them."

He sighs, one hand resting along Glacius' neck, the other gesturing with his words. "She could essentially make anything into a poor man's version of an Oriachne's Tear. I don't think she grasped how impressive that was."

And yet, she wasted such a skill on healing knickknacks. Alas.

[glacius]

Glacius goes quiet, trying to wrap his head around all the differences between the process of enchantment, spells, and channels. It would probably help if he had any experience with enchanting, or if he knew how Kate's powers worked... he wishes he had more time to talk to her.

Everything seems to come around to that in the end, and the alien gives a defeated sigh. "Sorry... I think this is all just getting jumbled in my head." Being mentally exhausted probably also has a lot to do with it. "She studied my own energies at one point, though I never heard if it lead to anything. I am unsure if our energies were as compatible as yours and mine seem to be..."

[tongueamok]

Carlisle hears that defeat in Glacius' tone, and attempts to ameliorate it. "Not all energies are compatible, my friend," he assures. "Many are not, in my world. To find someone with whom I can work is a true gift."

That went for Kate, as well, but he's mostly talking about his partner before him, whom he offers a soft smile.

[glacius]

That does seem to change Glacius' demeanor for the better. He shifts slightly against Carlisle, seems to pause as he considers the pros and cons of pulling his head out from the safe and comforting space underneath the human's jaw, then eventually decides he'd rather look into his partner's eyes for this. Arching his head up on that long curving neck so that he can meet his gaze without lifting himself out of his comfortably draped position, he regards the clergyman.

"Me too, Carlisle. I mean... I never expected to be compatible with a human in even the most official of ways. To find someone that I not only mesh with well, but that seems to be able to attune themselves to my metaphysical energies and pathways... it's unprecedented." He tilts his head, then his gaze becomes saddened again. "I'm extremely lucky to have you. I just wish there was a way where your channels didn't have to... exhaust you quite so much... I wish I could do more."

As always. Still, it's a line of thought that he'll no doubt come back to, when his mind isn't still sluggishly churning through a mire of grief and exhaustion.

[tongueamok]

Carlisle, too, is thankful he's able to attune his energies to the alien's, particularly when the warrior is in need of his healing expertise. He was lucky to have experience with doing so thanks to Algidus. It might have helped that the green alien was somehow related to his partner, perhaps truly him from another world and another time... a far more tragic one.

He stifles a sigh. He can ponder all he wants, but he may never truly know the true answer to the connection between the two aliens. Perhaps it's better that way, given their parting.

"Exhaustion is the unfortunate nature of my craft," he notes, running his hand along Glacius' spikes. "To be gifted in such an art is a blessing, one many are not allowed in my world. I have met more from others since I was taken from my home, but none quite like myself, for better or for worse."

[glacius]

Given how bogged down Glacius is with thoughts of Kate's disappearance, he's unaware of the thoughts drifitng through Carlisle's head. That's for the best--though he has some inklings similar to those of the clergyman in regards to the more tortured ice alien, they make him profoundly uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. He doesn't like thinking about it at the same time he desperately wants closure on the matter--closure that will never be had, as Algidus has disappeared too.

"Even if they could heal, they wouldn't be like you," the pale ice alien sighs, fond but tired, as he settled back down against his partner--lower this time, his big head resting on the clergyman's chest. He can faintly hear the human's heartbeat; it's a comforting sound, one full of life that pushes back awful memories of times when Carlisle had come so close. "I can promise you that much.

[tongueamok]

"I rest assured that I continue to be of unique service to his city," he remarks lightly, a bare chuckle rattling through his chest, no doubt easily heard by the alien resting atop him.

"Although," he continues, sliding his back from the side of the bed to the floor, reclining fully now, "I suppose I could be happy with helping but one person in particular whenever he is in need. Exhaust me as it may at times, I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you."

[glacius]

"Good," Glacius rumbles, barely moving as Carlisle resituates, save for tucking his long limbs closer to his body as he effectively curls right up next to the clergyman when he settles. Though normally their positions are reversed when they lay down together, his partner using his bulk as cushioning or protection, he's finding this change rather enjoyable too. "If I never have to hear you worry about not measuring up to people around you again, it couldn't come too soon. You have too much talent and kindness in your heart to keep getting down on yourself like that..."

He pauses as Carlisle continues on, the sentiment enough to make him crack one glowing green eye open and tilt his head up to look at his partner. "... And you're only proving my point with statements like that. While I am honored and touch that you would so readily grace me with your gifts... just don't push yourself too far. Because the same goes for how I feel about you... and you've already toed the line on my behalf. I don't want to... to ever end up at that point again. Losing a friend has been hard enough; I don't want to lose the person I love, too."

[tongueamok]

This the part where Carlisle would normally assure Glacius he will be fine... but he doesn't. For whatever reason, because he's promised to be more honest, to do less deflection, or that he knows there is truth in the matter that his condition has worsened as he has pushed himself to the limits of exhaustion, he instead says nothing to the usual, placating effect.

"I know," he murmurs softly. "And I don't want to leave you here alone."

As someone who has been left behind by those who have died or disappeared around him, he knows all too well what that feels like.

[glacius]

Glacius' response to that is simply to go quiet as he extends his arms to wrap around Carlisle, tightening his embrace in a firm hug. He appreciates the lack of deflection... and though he knows he can't expect his partner to back down from what he feels is one of his true callings in life, it is his hope that this means he'll be more careful in the future.

After a moment he does speak up again, his voice hushed. "Kate and I talked in passing about what might happen should she leave this place... but I did not want to believe that it would ever come to be so, and thus there are things I wish I had been able to tell her that now must go unsaid. I will not make that mistake with you, Carlisle. I will let you know as often as I can how happy I am to have you around, and I will never let a chance to let you know how much I cherish what we have slip by. I will treasure each day we have together... and I'll always fight to make sure they can continue in whatever ways that I can. For I love and need you, my partner... no matter what happens, I hope you always know that."

[tongueamok]

Though Carlisle offers Glacius a smile for his heartfelt words, it is a rueful one that he wears. "As long as this place doesn't strip me of my memories when we leave, I will. And even then, I hope I may always recall how it is I feel when I'm with you, and what it is you mean to me, when I haven't enough strength to carry on alone."

And that is something he's worried about from time to time -- neither Miss Rey, nor Firo remembered him. Muscovy did, as did Harris and Algidus. Who is to say what he will and won't remember when he is finally removed from this world, either because he is sent home, taken elsewhere, or has simply passed on?

[glacius]

Oh... oh no. This is an extremely upsetting track for this conversation to shift onto, as if the events that landed them here weren't bad enough on their own. The thought of Carlisle one day forgetting him and all that they've been through together is enough to have Glacius clinging to his partner even more tightly. The mere possibility is extremely depressing, though... the same damning knowledge he had earlier about Kate that a memory wipe would be for the best still applies here. Just as Carlisle wouldn't want to leave him here alone, the ice alien would not want him to have to endure the agony of separation. He knows his partner worries about that quite a bit.

"... We can only hope it does not come to that," Glacius whines. "B-but... you have the journals... right? At least there will be a record of our time together. And a testament that I stood beside you, that may one day guide you back to me."

[tongueamok]

"I keep them for that very reason," Carlisle responds, feeling Glacius' grip on him tighten. He runs a hand along the grooves of the alien's neck, attempting to soothe his concerns.

"Aside from their value when it comes to the knowledge contained therein," he continues, as wordy as ever, "they serve as a record of my existence, this... tangible proof that I was here, and perhaps, made some impact with my time alive, no matter how small that impact may be."

Making any kind of impact at all, and earning his place as a Longinmouth, has been so important to him his entire life. While he's thought about what he'd forget if sent back home, the thought that the journals might reawaken his memories is a novel one, granted they were not left behind in the transition. They came with him from Bear Den to the Tranquility, and from the jungle to Hadriel, so perhaps they would travel home with him.

He can imagine himself having forgotten the city, finding page after page of his own handwriting trying to convince him he was an alien's lover. It is admittedly a little amusing, despite the sour circumstances in which that would come about.

[glacius]

Glacius wouldn't see the humor in any of this, but then, he is still clawing his way out of a pit of depression with the clergyman's help. The thought that the person who has always stood beside him might be made to forget and might not believe that he ever had feelings for a thing like him is extremely discouraging. So he tries to focus on something more uplifting--and hopefully in doing so, might have a greater chance at cementing his place in Carlisle's memories.

"Your impact on life in this place--on my life--has been no small thing, I assure you," the ice alien responds, finally propping himself up so that he can look his partner in the eye. "You have brought me peace, happiness, and acceptance in a place where I thought I would know only isolation and torment. I would not trade that for anything, Carlisle, I mean that... and I am sure many others here would attest to similar ways that you have brightened their life. You are doing good work here. Important work. You are important--I hope you know that."

[tongueamok]

What amusement Carlisle found in his idle thought dissipates as Glacius pulls away and locks eyes with him. He returns that look with a sincere smile, bringing his hand to rest on Glacius' face once more.

"I know," he reassures his partner. "I- I don't always know how to believe it, but you are so quick to tell me, and go as far as to show me when I struggle. I never thought I would have such a relationship, nor someone as... truly wonderful as you in my life, as such things were meant for people more deserving than I am. Someone not cursed, polluting his bloodline every moment he's alive.

"And I also know," he continues immediately, trying to keep Glacius from insisting his worth again, "that you believe me to be worthy of you, and would rather I not heed such demoralizing sentiments. I am trying, truly, and it's far easier with you here, by my side. You... you make me feel as though I can do almost anything. I never had that before you."

As usual, it takes him far more words to say what he means than it should. "You make me feel alive, Glacius. More alive than I have ever been, and should this place take my memories from me, I will endeavor to remember just why it is I must remain alive, if only to see you again."

[glacius]

Carlisle is learning bit by bit, and it's a true pleasure to see; Glacius starts to lift a finger as if he's going to physically shush his partner when he starts winding down the that track about being a bringer of misfortune, only to be immediately cut off as his partner continues. Instead of a frown, a smile grows on his face until he's unable to keep from butting against the clergyman's, a quiet purr rumbling up out of his throat.

"If I have made it easier for you to believe such things... if I have enabled you to feel something truly good about yourself... well. Maybe I have accomplished something worth being proud of in this cave after all."

[tongueamok]

"As I have said before, you have accomplished far more than you may ever acknowledge. For every instance you claim to have let me down, it is, in truth, that I wouldn't be alive in this place without you."

He pulls himself up to meet Glacius' face, offering up his forehead. "Perhaps one day, we will both learn that we are not the sum of our failures."

[glacius]

"But you just said that they weren't failures--which is it??" Glacius asks, but in a gently teasing manner this time--a far cry better than how he'd sounded when recounting those instances earlier. He'll probably always beat himself over the harm the clergyman suffered, but it's... a relief to hear that his efforts are appreciated. It's one of the main reasons why he'll always try to do better by his partner.

In any case, the alien sighs and tempers himself once more, shaking his head as he nuzzled against his partner. "But in all seriousness, I... I hope so, Carlisle. If you make an effort to believe the things I have told you--about the value you have, about how important you are to me, about all the good you've done--then I will... try to heed the reassurances that you offer me in turn. I'm glad you don;t hold any of those instances against me, I... I don't know what I would do if you one day didn't feel the same way about me as you do now."

[tongueamok]

Though Carlisle almost starts up on Glacius as the alien pretends to be obtuse, his fervor backs off once he realizes his partner is merely teasing him. There are times when he's still not used to that.

"I have worried the same myself many a time," he admits, glad to have Glacius' affection once more at his neck. "When I thought the other me had ruined what we had between us, I didn't know what to do. It wasn't what we have now, but it still mattered so greatly to me, even back then. You've always been... different when it comes to our bond. Special."

[glacius]

Carlisle is really knocking it out of the parks as far as sensitive, heart-wrenching topics go... or at least that's the way it seems at first, as the alien flinches at the mere mention of his double. But then the clergyman goes and turns what had been an awful and honestly traumatizing ordeal into something good and Glacius finds himself looking up at him again, a sort of disbelief in his eyes like he's not sure how this one singular human can soothe his hurts so effectively.

Rather than scrounge for words, which he feels would fall short of his true feelings for his partner no matter how hard he tried, the ice alien instead attempts to express his love through actions. His mandible returns to Carlisle's neck as one long finger pulls the sweater out of the way; the other caresses the clergyman's jaw then threads through his hair with all the tenderness in the world.

"What we have is special to me, too," he murmurs as he kisses his partner, just in case Carlisle might feel spurned by a lack of verbal response.

[tongueamok]

A quiet laugh rumbles in Carlisle's throat as the alien grazes his neck; he leans back to allow Glacius more access to his skin, and inwardly curses himself for the thick sweater that keeps them apart.

"Perhaps, ah." Another laugh escapes him -- the point of the alien's mandible tickles just a bit. "We could continue to express such sentiments somewhere other than the floor. And after you've eaten something."

[glacius]

In that particular moment it seems like Glacius has more of an appetite for physical closeness and consoling sentiments than food, as he continues dragging his mandible over his partner's jaw and neck (or what of the latter he can reach, in any case). But he still doesn't want to spurn Carlisle's efforts and he knows that the human is right--he does need to eat-- so he gradually pulls back. One long limb extends as far as it can go to pull the tray back over, while the other stays wrapped around the human beside him.

It seems like tending to his emotional state has done wonders for his physical capabilities, at least; this time it only takes a little bit of extra focus to shift his hand, and the same to get the food down. It takes him longer than usual but the cooked bird gradually gets frozen and then absorbed in full, disappearing from the tray with only a few icy particles left.

At that point Glacius pauses--though he isn't finished, he wants to make sure of something. "Have you eaten recently, as well? If not, perhaps we could... make something for you, and then have a meal together."

[tongueamok]

Though he was enjoying their closeness -- something he has missed the more Glacius sequestered himself away to grieve -- Carlisle is admittedly pleased to see him eating again. As much as he shies away from the topic of his own health, he cannot help but worry over that of his partner.

"I have everything I need right here," he returns, taking the slightly more affectionate route than the coldly logical I ate alone before it went cold, just as I have done the past couple of nights as you sank further into this melancholic abyss. It just seems like the better answer in this circumstance.