hadriel_logs | Who Are You To Change This World? Silly Boy!

Who Are You To Change This World? Silly Boy!

Who: Curufin and Yukari (closed)
What: Yukari is uncertain of Curufin's true intent, starting a fight.
Where: House 1204, Yukari's abode
When: 6/6
Warnings: Arguing; insecurities; will update as needed.

Yukari had been on edge for about a week now. Something wasn't sitting right with him, and the longer it persisted, the more frustrated he felt. He had been cleaning his already clean apartment, washing all the clean dishes in his cabinet for the third time that day, as he tried to process the sensations, pinpoint their cause. This feeling of agitation isn't beautiful, and it wouldn't do to keep holding onto it. And he has managed to narrow it down to the fact that it seems to be regarding Curufin. But why?

Things had been going well with Curufin. Perhaps... perhaps too well. Curufin was always kind and understanding, gentle and sweet. Things Yukari hadn't known for a long time. And never on this level. It was almost too good to be true. Wait, almost? What if it is too good to be true? It wouldn't be the first time, in his life. Where a loved one betrayed him, with him being lead on, and finally getting hurt.

He unconsciously grips the glass in his hand until his knuckles turn white.

What if it's all a lie? No. All of the times Yukari expected to be scolded, only to be met with gentleness and understanding. Why hadn't he been scolded? It didn't make sense. Everyone gets furious with the mercenary at some point. Fury he'd only been too happy to indulge in when it came to everyone else. It's not that he would be pleased with Curufin if the Elf had lost his temper with him now and again. It's just... simply what he expects. Why hadn't Curufin lost his temper with him? This doesn't make sense to him.

Looking at it this way, all of that kindness... it felt so fake.

Yukari bites on his lower lip as this thought strikes him. Is it fake? Is Curufin just humouring him? He can feel tears forming in the corner of his eyes, until his reverie is interupted by a knock on his door. He dries his hands on a dish towel and then brushes a hand acrost his eyes to wipe away any signs of him being on the brink of crying.

"Yes. Yes, I'm coming, just a moment."

He briskly paces to the door, running a hand through his hair as he passes by one of his mirrors, before unlocking the mechanism and opening it to greet his visitor. Yukari's eyebrows shoot up. Talk about ironic timing, as said Elf stands on his doorstep.

"Oh... Curufin," is all he manages to utter. After a moment longer, he steps aside to let Curufin in, wondering if... if? No, how to bring up his thoughts to his lover. He needs answers.

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Curufin stands on Yukari's doorstep with a smile on his face. He lifts his own eyebrows as he sees that his lover is just a little disconcerted. And there is that pause before he steps aside to let Curufin in.

The Elf walks through the door, but then he turns to ask: "Have I arrived at a bad time? I can come back later."

"No. I was just thinking about you, actually." His tone is terse as he closes the door. In truth, Curufin probably had come at a bad time, before Yukari had the opportunity to sort through his emotions. Yukari feels a perhaps not-so-subtle pain nagging from inside. And since Curufin has so willingly presented himself before Yukari in said moment of thought, well...

Yukari finds he can't quell the sensation fast enough to bite his tongue in time.

"As a matter of fact, I need to know why you're so nice to me." It is nothing short of demanding, suspicious. The accusation having no other ground than being left alone to the bane of his thoughts. Yukari folds his arms as he presses his back to the door. Whether it's just for the casualness or to block Curufin from leaving, he's not even sure himself.

The gesture of leaning on the door does strike Curufin as a bit odd. It's not as though the Elf is eager to leave, or is in the habit of walking out, slamming the door behind him when things get awkward.

Are things going to get awkward? Hmm, better find out.

"You've asked me that question before. Why wouldn't be nice to you? I want to. You are my friend and my lover."

"There are plenty of reasons to not be nice to me." Yukari huffs. His lips press into a thin line for a moment. His tone rises as he continues. "What makes you so different? Why on earth would you respect me of all people? All I live for is to antagonise!"

What was he trying to get at? That Curufin's answer wasn't good enough?

No. No, that wasn't it. Not quite.

"Everyone hates me. I know you do, too!" His hands grip tightly to the sides of his arms. His eyes flicker with pain. He didn't know if Curufin actually hated him. And he wishes he could pull those words back. Because what if the response to that is yes. Yukari hadn't made a single friend here. Why would it make sense for him to have a lover? It doesn't. And now he's afraid of it, more than anything. His jaw tightens. "Just admit this is some game you're playing. That this is all a lie! You wouldn't be the first!"

"It seems to me that you live for something more than that? Why else would you have let me know how you feel about me? Why else would you have bestowed upon me all the sweetness that resides in your being? And why else would you have agreed to take the risk of intimacy, if you didn't believe, or at least hope that there would be something good in such a relationship, something very well worth finding?"

Those fingers, tightly gripping the arms, as though Yukari had nothing to hold onto. The pain in his eyes.

Curufin replies softly: "You don't know that I hate you, you only fear it. And as it happens, I don't hate you." He looks at him for a long moment, with compassion in his dark eyes. "I love you. And I don't lie about such things."

"I'm not sweet! I'm a total monster! You just... never see it." A trembling hiss passes through his teeth. He had restrained himself several times just because Curufin was present. He was fully prepared to beat down, destroy Will that day when Will said Yukari had slept with him. Called him a player. And, if it wasn't for Curufin stopping him, he would have gone through with it. The Elf would have seen the worst part of him.

Curufin didn't see him fight with Tina. Even though Yukari confessed to his sin, Curufin didn't see how cruel he was being. The worst things he said all because the child refused to take a bath. Or how he was hired by a man to attack a group here, with special instructions and permissions to torture and kill a select few. In the name of Chaos.

Yukari flinches when Curufin says I love you.

"Then why don't you yell at me?! For the times I was foolish, for the times I hurt you!" For the time that Yukari chose death to repair his eye. He caused Curufin pain. And he hasn't forgiven himself for it. He broke his promise to Celebrimbor. Something he's not even sure if the younger Elf knows. If Celebrimbor did know, would he try to separate Curufin and himself?

Yukari slides to the floor; burying, gripping, a hand into his hair. He feels hollow and it hurts. He's trying so hard to fight back his tears.

Curufin comes to Yukari, kneels down, turns around and sits beside him with his back to the door. He slides an arm around him.

"You are sweet to me, even if to no one else. And I don't believe that's an illusion, Yukari. It is you. Besides, don't be so sure about what I see or don't see. You know most of my life story. You at your worst? -- you are not worse than I was at my worst. I guarantee it."

"And considering my own history, I can't judge you. I can try to stop you, if I'm a direct witness. But if you want a judge, you'll have do it yourself. And it sounds like you are. You accuse yourself of foolishness and of hurting me. The hurting I can live with. You weren't trying to hurt me, you were just trying to get your eye back. I understand, and I might well have done the same thing, if it had been me. And as for the foolishness? You were harsh to a little girl, but what was the result? -- she kicked your ass. You don't need a judge, you just need to pay attention to the consequences of your actions -- as we all must, in the end."

Celebrimbor would not try to part Yukari and Curufin. He knows how difficult love can be, and he has much sympathy for Yukari as well as for his dad.

"I guess I shouldn't say must, because that sounds like a directive. What you decide to do isn't up to me. In the end, it is up to you. What I'm really saying is, what do you really want, Yukari? Decide what you want, and go for it. Even if you have to go through days like this."

"I know it is hard for you to accept that you are loved. I don't know all your reasons, but I know you well enough to know that you are going to get a lot of resistance from yourself, if you let somebody love you. That isn't your fault; you didn't choose it."

He reaches to touch Yukari's hand where it clutches the soft violet hair with such frantic sorrow. He strokes the hand softly with his fingers. And then he draws Yukari a little closer into the warm circle of his arms.

"I don't know if anything I am saying can help. Maybe, maybe not. But just. . . have a little patience with yourself."

"But I hurt you. I never wanted to, and I did. And you still carry it with you. And I even found out later that Hope-chan could have restored it without the pain in between. If I would have waited a little longer..."

What do I really want? What a strange question. Yukari would think it was obvious. He wants Curufin by his side. Forever. But then, that can't happen, can it? The Elf will far outlive him. Even Yukari's not so foolish to think he can live forever, even in a place like Hadriel.

Yukari's lips press into a line when Curufin says he doesn't know all of Yukari's reasons for having a hard time accepting love. He thinks back to that Christmas season such a long time ago. How many years had it been? Perhaps it's strange that Curufin is the first lover he's had since then. But no one had intrigued him so much before the Elf saved him the day they both first arrived.

He doesn't want that taken away. Ever.

Yukari can't help but cling to Curufin a little when the Elf's arms wrap around him. He wants to jerk away, he wants to say he's not worth loving. But he wants so much more to never be let go of.

"You live longer, anyway, right? Someone else will always take my place." Won't they? It's a thought he's tried to push to the edges of his mind whenever it surfaces. It's something he never wants to think about. That, even if they stay together the rest of Yukari's life, it's just a drop in the ocean for Curufin. He hates that thought.

Edited 2017-06-12 21:45 (UTC)

"I know you didn't want to hurt me. I don't hold that against you, and I hope that in time you will be able to stop holding it against yourself. But, Yukari, none of us can love without pain! We wish we could, but it's an impossible ideal. And how could you have waited, when you didn't know? -- this happens all the time to we humans, we find out later that there was another possible course of action. But we can't always wait, because with us, everything is now. We are made that way; it is not mere foolishness."

And full of twists and turns is the human heart, like a labyrinth. Who can understand it? All we can do is love the best we can.

Curufin can sense Yukari's ambivalence about being held, but he goes with the desire that he can sense, the desire not to be let go. He nestles his lover against his chest and continues to speak softly.

"Elves live longer, if allowed to live out their natural lifespan. But even in my world, if an Elf and a mortal loved one another, there was no guarantee the Elf would outlive the mortal. Life was so dangerous that it just wasn't a given. And I and my family lived so dangerously that an early death was the only guarantee! I don't see the matter as being so much different now. I am unable to be more cautious than you are, and neither of us are good at caution."

"But we aren't living in my world, or in yours. We're travelers of the multiverse now. You came here directly from your world, so perhaps you don't realize that. We could die here and return, or die here and find ourselves elsewhere. Or just find ourselves elsewhere. With all this universe-hopping, I don't believe it makes any difference what a person's natural lifespan is. I think we're no longer bound to it."

"In short, I don't think our problem is my long life and your short one. I think it's not falling prey to the perils of this current world, and then trying to evade the forces that would separate us by taking one of us and not the other, or sending us both to separate worlds."

Curufin doesn't want to think about life without Yukari, either. "I'm not looking to replace you," he says, quietly.

"But how can you not? It was selfish of me, and I could have sat with you and talked it through so you could at least be ready for it. But no, I blindsided you with it. I only thought of me. I expected you to accept it in that moment without question and that was cruel of me."

And I'm so sorry for it...

"How can you make it sound so simple? How can you continue to say I'm kind after I did something like that? When I didn't give even a second's consideration of what it would do to you to just... throw myself into Death's arms with only a brief notice! That wasn't fair! That wasn't kind or sweet!" His voice is starting to elevate again, giving desperate grasps at the facts as he saw them, as they repeat in his mind time and again, never releasing his sin.

No matter how he tries to wrap his mind around it, it's still beyond his grasp why Curufin can still be so gentle and understanding. How can he not think Yukari is a monster? Curufin's soft voice is both soothing and torturous for these reasons, conflicting Yukari to be grateful and yet left to drag himself alone acrost the coals he's laid.

Tears start to fall down Yukari's cheeks; he can't fight them back anymore. Though he keeps his head lowered, Curufin may feel the front of his shirt getting wet.

"I found nothing..." It takes everything he has to keep his voice from breaking, even if the tears won't stop coming. "On the Gods, I found nothing to stop them from activating the Door. We have no guarantee that we won't wake up tomorrow back at home, in our own beds."

His fingers grip into Curufin's shirt, balling into fists.

"All I know is that Sorrow-chan tries to keep us here. But you've seen it - people still leave anyway, when that Door takes them. I don't ever want to go home! I don't want you to go home! And Celebrimbor-chan... He'll die if he goes home, and I don't want that for you."

He doesn't know Celebrimbor anywhere well enough to care about his wellbeing alone. But he knows it would hurt Curufin to no end - perhaps even moreso than losing Yukari himself. And for that reason, he would fight to defend the younger elf as well.

"I've fought for how long now to find answers? And I have nothing more to save us from being separated than I did back then. I don't know what else I can do."

"It's water under the bridge, Yukari," says Curufin, quietly. The more Yukari accuses himself, the more Curufin wants to be gentle with him. Perhaps it will help in time. One who receives gentleness is more likely to learn to be gentle with himself.

He can feel the tears falling on his shirt front. He nuzzles Yukari's hair softly, and when he hears his lover's voice breaking, he strokes those trembling shoulders with tenderness.

"I know you were looking for answers. We may find them in time. I haven't given up on that idea, and I will never give up. I have a feeling that if we do find them, it won't be due to one person's efforts, but to those of the whole community. That is one reason I work so hard to help the group in as many ways as I can. If we are to work together, we must all learn the difficult skill of acting as a group that cares for all its members."

"As as for you and I and Cel. . . " Sigh of concern, of longing, of the bafflement of not knowing everything they desperately needed to know. "We'll all keep doing the best we can. And my brother, and everyone we care about here. Yukari, I don't want you to think you have to carry that responsibility alone, as I was saying."

And he wishes he had answers, too. But right now, there is only love and caring.

Edited 2017-06-21 21:49 (UTC)

How can it be water under the bridge? How? Why? How can Curufin continue to care so much for him? Yukari is truly dumbfounded by this concept. And he just feels more confused the more he asks.

Yukari's shoulders sink as he gives in. For whatever reason, Curufin chooses to remain understanding and loyal. And he certainly won't choose to yell at Yukari. That much he knows. Still, he finds himself compelled to ask something else.

"Why do you love me? What makes me so different from anyone else you could have been with?" His voice sounds a little more resigned, wearied by the confusion of how Curufin can choose to stay near him. He certainly can't imagine that he's been easy to deal with for this relationship. Or ever.

"But the community is against us. So many of them only want to go home. I don't think any of them understand those who never want to leave. Those who do not have a tomorrow, or those of us who have a stronger attachment to here. We're all selfish in our own right."

A sigh and a pause.

Officially meeting Curufin's family isn't something that's happened yet. And it's something that Yukari had been putting off, honestly. But saying they should all work as a group means that he probably should meet them, if they're going to work together. Some is better than none when it comes to group efforts.

He's particularly wary of meeting Celebrimbor face to face. He's not sure he could look the younger Elf in the eye right now.

"Your brother also wants to stay here?" Yukari looks uncomfortable as he pressures himself to say the next part. "Perhaps it's time I finally meet your family. So I don't try to do this alone."

If Curufin could untangle the mystery of love, he'd be a sage. He replies quietly, "I don't know how to answer your question. You are a beautiful, intelligent, and fascinating man, Yukari Mishakuji. But I could list your strengths and extoll your beauty, your humor, your sweetness, and your cleverness from now until the sun goes down, and it still wouldn't fully explain why your company is so compelling to me, why I love you and want to be with you. It just is what it is."

"The community is not against us. Those who want to go home will mostly understand that not everybody can. If we find some way to take control of the Door, we won't use it until we know enough about it not to accidentally kill anybody. And not to send people where they don't want to be. If we knew how to use that strange technology, we could use it to travel to worlds other than our own. I'm not assuming we'd stay here, though it's a possibility."

"I don't think Maedhros wants to stay here. But he can't go home, either. He's dead in our world, and there is nothing for him but the Halls of Mandos. Besides, I think he has a lover here. But that doesn't mean they might not want to journey elsewhere."

"I agree, it is probably time you met my family. Maybe we could pick a time when no Hadriel disasters are in progress, and have a Fëanorions and partners party." He's considering what might work. "Or maybe just one of my family at a time? -- on different dates, in a less formal setting, like the park or the Speakeasy?" Above all, he wants Yukari to be comfortable meeting these people.

That's definitely another answer that only serves to confuse Yukari. But, at the very least, he takes solace in hearing Curufin say that he loves and wants to be with him, that Curufin finds him compelling. He may not understand why, but he at least hears the bare minimum: I'm not going anywhere. He finally relaxes against Curufin, releasing the tension in his fists placing his palms gently flat on the back of Curufin's shirt.

He feels foolish for letting his insecurities overtake him. How many more times will it happen, he wonders. How many times will he accuse Curufin of hating him and try to push him away. He wants to tell himself never again, but something tells him that wouldn't be true. Will Curufin ever get tired of him for it?

Yukari doesn't look confident at all that a community that wants to go home would be entirely willing to cooperate with those who want to go anywhere but home. In fact, the expression that crosses Yukari's features is bitter distrust. It goes without saying that Curufin has far more faith in the community than Yukari has in even one of the other civilians.

"Until one side gets paranoid and tries to overthrow the other to take control of the Door."

Nope, absolutely zero confidence in the people who only wish to return to their homeworlds.

Still, knowing the family of Elves and their possible lovers is on their side is a good place to start. And he's at least spoken to Celebrimbor. Although he hasn't seen or heard anything from Maedhros. And Yukari might be grateful for that. If only because the way he first heard Celebrimbor's voice, and reason for the call, was jarring enough. At least, this way, Yukari can go in without being blindsided on his terms, the way Curufin is offering to do.

He gives fair contemplation to both of the options offered. While a dinner party would be more time effective, one at a time would prove for less distractions while meeting. And if he's going to rely on them to help everyone solve the Door, then...

"I think one at a time would be best." Yukari won't dedicate any actual effort getting to know anyone in a party setting. He's confident the bad habit to snark and cause general mayhem will kick in and he won't remember anyone fondly.

That was quite the effect of the last dinner party he attended, actually, with the Hara. The only one he felt compelled to even get to know turned out to be the Doppelganger of said person. And mostly because he was reveling in the fact that the Pell copy was giving Yukari all of the attention and ignoring all of his comrades. Honestly a wonderful burn when you're trying to taunt someone.

And, assuredly, since Curufin will be the most fascinating person in the room to him during a party, he won't bother very much to converse properly with anyone else. One at a time means he doesn't have to divert his attention from the only one he cares about. In fact, it would make Curufin a reliable source to help any conversation along. A bridge between them.

"I did promise Celebrimbor-chan the opportunity for him to join us for dinner back when I lost my eye. It seems things got Chaotic since then, though. We could certainly start there."

And it's true, that was the gist of what Curufin said, or at least the upshot of it: I'm not going anywhere.

He feels Yukari relaxing against him, and he leans his cheek on his lover's hair, smiling softly.

He doesn't expect that Yukari will have no more doubts. Doubts of this sort are not so easily chased away -- with an embrace and a reassurance, no matter how sincere. He knows there will be many more rounds of this, and he is prepared to stick with his lover and keep loving him.

And he rather agrees that one at a time is the best way to proceed with introducing Yukari to the family, although he would have gone with whichever option Yukari preferred.

"I think so. I'll ask Cel when he's available." He smiles a little wryly. "And we'll shoot for a time when Hadriel isn't trying to kill us, thereby diverting our attention from more important things."

"Yes, well, let's not rely on a time for when Hadriel isn't trying to kill us. It may not happen for a long time, yet. But, yes, a less Chaotic moment," a moment where Yukari isn't being a mess over himself, "will do just fine."

Yukari rests there for some time longer, allowing himself to actually feel Curufin's gentle, warm embrace without trying to recoil from it. How did he get so lucky? All it took was to be yanked to another world to find someone so kind, who could tolerate him despite all of his aggressions.

In spite of himself, he prays to always be able to stay with Curufin, begging the universe or whatever deity that may come their way to never separate him from this man. To find the solution they so desperately need to ensure that promise.

He wishes to stay happy and to be able to make Curufin happy.

He wonders if that's too much to ask for.

"All right, a less chaotic moment, then," Curufin agrees. Because Yukari has a point there.

They don't talk for a while, simply remaining as they are: Curufin sitting on the carpet with the front door at his back, Yukari in his arms. The Elf continues to stroke his hair from time to time, or caresses his shoulders. It is very sweet to let Yukari rest against him like this.

He considers himself lucky, too. It was completely unexpected, their finding each other. Curufin hadn't thought he would find love again, though he had in many ways been lucky in the past. And Yukari is a delight to know, and would have been even if they had not been partners.

Lovers, time out of mind, have wished to give and receive happiness, and have feared that the wondrous opportunity will be snatched from them. Curufin fears it, too. But he won't dwell on it. He's too busy making the most of what he has.

And speaking of gifts, he has one for Yukari, but he'll wait until his lover stirs from this embrace. He won't deprive him of this lovely moment in order to give the other gift. There is time for both.

Edited 2017-06-25 22:43 (UTC)

The soothing caresses mean the world to Yukari right now. One more thing to make him feel safe. The way Curufin always does. He wraps himself a little tighter around the Elf, a warmer embrace of the love they share.

And he enjoys the time of silence, where nothing is demanded of either of them to speak up. Where the quiet means more than anything they could say in this moment. No pressure, no obligation, no room for deafening fear. The silence is enough. And in that gentle silence, Yukari can hear Curufin's heartbeat, with his head against the Elf's chest just so. A sense of familiarity that isn't his crosses his memory, and he clenches his hands a little unconsciously.

That he get's to feel this: the warmth of someone he cared much more for than he initially thought of as just a pawn to crumble with it's kingdom when the King fell. A vivid detail of a caress that wasn't his own, it leaves a haunting pain in it's wake. How many months had it been since that time?

And why did it still ache after all of this time?

Curufin wants above all for Yukrari to feel safe, and he wraps his sheltering arms around him even more lovingly as his lover snuggles closer. The quiet encloses them both, and they are in agreement on how nurturing it is, this wordless tenderness.

They both enjoy it for a while. Curufin feels Yukari's hands clench a little, and knows that a disquieting thought has crossed Yukari's mind, or perhaps merely a wave of unease that carries no thought with it.

Curufin, too, remembers that evening with Yukari's double, more than five months ago. The tenderness and the sorrow of goodbye, for Curufin had not known what was wrong, but he had had a profound sense of the evanescence of that being he had held in his arms, a sense of his immanent departure. It wasn't until later that he truly understood that it wasn't the original Yukari, and still later, that the real Yukari retained to some degree the memories of the double.

Curufin lifts one of those clenched hands and with infinite gentleness, kisses the fingers, one by one.

As Curufin kisses his fingers, he at first tenses, as if uncertain, but then gently releases that tension, allowing his clenched fingers to unfurl. He watches Curufin for a while, simply allowing him to be so kind. He wonders, briefly, if Curufin would have preferred his much-more-forward double. If he himself is just a stand-in for what Curufin can no longer have. They never slept together, but that doesn't mean that Yukari's personality is the preferred one, compared to his clone. And it is another painful thought. Small signs that his clone might have won after all.

Yukari sits up, tucking his hair behind an ear. He doesn't want to regard those thoughts right now. He doesn't want to spiral into another mass of overwhelming insecurity that might cause him to continue arguing at the Elf. He fights to reason with himself that if Curufin didn't want to stay then he wouldn't be here, though... he seems to be having a rather difficult time doing so, pressing his lips into a line.

A moment's pause to push the ache in his chest aside. And then he moves to get up.

"Right then." A moment of strain. "Uhm, coffee. I'll make some."

He contemplates that he should say thank you, or perhaps apologise. Or say anything better than I'll make coffee. But with his current combat of thoughts, he isn't sure which he should say or if he should say anything at all.

[ OOC: Moved left . ]

Edited 2017-07-16 20:55 (UTC)

Curufin finishes kissing the fingers, taking his time and making it as tender and as undemanding as possible, allowing Yukari to tense and then to relax in peace -- or in whatever peace his dear friend and lover can have at the moment. Curufin wishes he could explain to Yukari his feelings about Yukari's double, to tell him that though he still carries feelings of sadness on the double's account, there is a reason for that. And it doesn't make Yukari second best. It is Yukari himself that Curufin wants, and he is in no doubt about this. But he doesn't want to bring up the subject without an indication from Yukari that he actually wants to talk about it, and so Curufin will wait for a sign. He hopes that will happen soon.

That gesture of Yukari's, tucking his hair behind his ear, that one he knows well. Yukari uses it for multiple purposes, sometimes to flirt or to be humorous, and sometimes as a prelude to getting up and doing something practical. At this moment, it seems to be a changing-gears gesture. Or a shoving-the-feelings-back gesture. Or both.

"All right, coffee would be nice," says Curufin, softly, and lets him go into the kitchen.

Edited 2017-07-18 09:09 (UTC)

Yukari moves to make the coffee, moving about the kitchen and clearly a little distracted as he sets up the coffeepot. He takes two cups out of the cupboard and pulls cream from the fridge, staying silent as he does so. He isn't sure what to say next. He can't possibly ask Curufin about his double. He doesn't want to be any more accusatory than he already has been. Besides, what would he do if the answer is what he fears? It's uncomfortable, almost unbearable. He can't decide if knowing the answer would be better or worse.

Briefly, he wonders where he set the sugar. As he turns to look for it, a hand idly sweeps acrost the counter and knocks over one of the cups, and Yukari cringes as he reacts too late to catch it and it shatters on the floor.

Well, that's great. His hands clench uncomfortably, if only for a moment, before he sighs and kneels down to pick up the broken pieces of ceramic, being careful as he tries not to get cut on any edges. The broom isn't nearby either, left in the closet in the hall. What's he supposed to do now? He's barefoot.

"Sorry, I suppose I'm..." He's what? He has no excuse that wouldn't belie what was going on with him. He's not usually clumsy, nor this careless. "I suppose I'm just not feeling well."

It's the best he can think to say to excuse his behaviour. But his expression is entirely distraught as he tries to focus on the glass shards.

Curufin hears the sound of splintering glass, jumps up from the couch, and hurries into the kitchen.

He finds Yukari gathering glass shards from the floor and looking distraught. He looks around for the broom, doesn't see it. "Don't move, Yukari, I'll be right back," he says.

He dashes out to the hall closet, gets the broom and dustpan, returns and starts carefully sweeping up the glass. He's no stranger to broken glassware, having worked in the Noldor clan's glassworks in Tirion and later on, in the one he and his brother Celegorm established in Himlad. He has the whole floor cleared of even the tiniest splinters in just minutes, and he disposes of the glass in the waste can.

But just in case he missed any, "Yukari?" he says, "How about if go and get your shoes? And if you're not feeling well, suppose I cook dinner tonight?"

Not feeling well, right. Yukari is clearly worrying about something, and Curufin is thinking of how to ask about it.

Edited 2017-08-02 02:14 (UTC)

"As if I'm foolish enough to move..." What would normally come acrost with snark is now almost painfully empty. Besides, he was foolish enough to knock over a cup, after all.

It's almost a helpless gaze as he watches Curufin sweep up the glass. What is he supposed to do with this? Has Yukari lost so much control of himself?

He's jarred from those painful thoughts, if only briefly, when Curufin offers to help him. He feels heavy as he looks up at the other man, still crouched near the floor from the pieces of glass he retrieved himself. His lips press into a line for a moment, and he finally answers:

"Alright..."

He'll wait patiently for Curufin right here. He has no intention of doing anything else.

Curufin smiles. "No, I don't suppose you're foolish enough to walk on a floor full of broken glass. . . or to accidentally find the one tiny shard I missed, with your toes. But all the same, just let me take care of this."

He leans the broom against the wall and goes to get Yukari's shoes, and brings them back to him. "I'm going to give the floor a quick swipe with the mop, and then I'll take a look in the fridge and see what there is that I can cook. But I won't start dinner yet. How about if you just go and relax in the living room? I'll be with you in a few moments."

He pours a new cup of coffee and hands it to Yukari, and then he grabs the mop and pail out of the same hall closet and gives the kitchen floor a quick once-over. No point in cleaning unless he's going to be thorough, and the wet mop will pick up any remaining fine shards, if he's in fact missed any.

And then he comes to the living room and sits down with his lover. He reaches to touch his face with gentle fingers. "Tell me what is troubling you? Because clearly, something is. It's making you unhappy, and I want to hear about it."

For a moment, Yukari cringes as he sorts through if that comment to let Curufin handle it was condescension. Knowing Curufin, of course not. But something else inside tries to crush that reasoning.

When he gets his shoes, he slides them on and, without a word, heads to the living room to sit on the sofa as he slips into another reverie. He doesn't notice when Curufin sits beside him and flinches away with a startle when the Elf caresses his cheek, his eyes widening for a brief flicker of a moment before the question registers with him. He sets his cup down on the coffee table.

How is he supposed to answer that?

For a time, he stays silent and he won't make eye contact. Should he answer at all? Even if Curufin asked, does Yukari even have the right to say what's bothering him that deeply? He'd probably just sound petty, wouldn't he...

"It's fine, really..." but he can hear the tone in his own voice betray him.

When Curufin finishes the floor and comes into the living room, he sees Yukari staring into space but not seeming to see anything. He doesn't move when Curufin sits down and he is startled when he's touched.

The not making eye contact is a pretty good indication that he's troubled, that Curufin's intuition is right.

"It isn't fine, Yukari," he says softly. "You can't look at me, and your face is sad. Tell me what is wrong. If it's something to do with me, I'll try to make it right. And if not, then I'll listen, and who knows? -- maybe that'll help. But. . . it is about me, isn't it? Or about us? Come on, tell me." There is no impatience in his voice, but there is an indication that he can sit here all night, if that's what it takes.

His lips press into a line at the urging to open up, thinking, hesitating on it more deeply.

"Of course it isn't about you..." he finally answers. Something in his voice sounds strained and a little defensive. He had taken Curufin's words as though the Elf thought he had done something wrong. And Curufin hadn't. Not at all.

He hates this, straining to contain it all and yet being met with more resistance within himself as he tries to speak about it. It's so painful either way. If he leaves it internally, at least there is predictability in it. But that will also lead to more arguments where he's attacking Curufin's integrity, won't it? And what if Curufin gets tired of that?

But what if Curufin hears the answer and finds it foolish? Perhaps he'll think Yukari is being too clingy. After all, the Double is long gone. What sense would it make to bring up the comparison between himself and his copy?

He hates this. No matter which path he chooses, Yukari is helpless.

Yukari's hands grip tightly into the fabric of his own pants, unable to settle on either of the options, pinned at a standstill.

Why can't he be better at this? Why can't he just answer, and treat Curufin the way he does everyone else - where if they hate him, that's just fine with him. One less problem to worry about. Why is Curufin so different? Why does his world feel as though it's crumbling every time something divides them, be it literally or metaphorically. Why would it hurt so much if Curufin ever decided he wants nothing to do with him anymore?

Why? Why? Why?

Yukari's hands go up to his face, burying his eyes into them. This way he can't see Curufin's expression, and Curufin can't see the tears as they fall into his palms. Quickly, before he changes his mind, he blurts it out:

"Do you want to be with my Clone more than you want to be with me?"

He said it. And now he only wants to take it back, as he knew he would. He hates this. Should he explain? He doesn't know. But he finds more words pouring from him before he can think it through, between pained sobs.

"He was forward with you. He wanted to be with you." This hurts, he's terrified, make it stop. "What if he was everything you wanted? Do you wish I were him?"

He can feel his own nails digging into his scalp and he bites on his own tongue before anymore unwitting words can follow. He's afraid to look at Curufin, now. And he anticipates, braces himself for any touch, good or bad. He listens for the latch on the door, in case Curufin decides to just walk away. All while he feels himself struggling to keep the pieces within from falling apart even further.

Edited 2017-08-23 01:13 (UTC)

Curufin may not be able to see Yukari's eyes behind the shielding hands, but he can hear the tears in Yukari's voice.

"No, dear friend, dear lover, I do not want to be with your double instead of you."

He pauses, not knowing if it would help or not to reveal any of what he experienced or guessed that night. But he takes a chance.

"He was forward with me, it's true. But that was because he knew what he was, and that he had very little time. I believe it's what you would have done, if you had believed your time with me was coming to an end."

"The thing is, he was not really a separate being. He was a mirror image of some aspect of you, and that was an awful thing for him. He did not want to be what he was, and he had no choice. I am sorry for him, even though he created havoc on his way into oblivion. But it is all continuous with my feelings about the real you, the you that is not an image but a living person, the person I love. I do not look back and wish him still here, I look at you and am glad that through him, I knew your feelings. It was a strange introduction to your sweetness and your love, but I accept it. For me, that experience was not about him, it was about my suddenly becoming aware that you were waiting for me, even though you hadn't spoken yet."

He lays a a hand on Yukari's shoulder, and his fingers gently knead it.

"And when you and I came to an understanding, it felt to me like. . . sort of an incredible flowering of a hope that I have had since long before your double showed up, even from before I met you."

Yukari bites his lip as Curufin tells his side of the story. If Yukari had been left to his own devices, he would have continued to admire Curufin from afar. He might have never spoken his true feelings, or at least would have waited for Curufin to come to him first. Would Curufin have ever come to him if it weren't for the clone?

There's alot of what ifs there, isn't there?

"From before you met me?" And for a moment, Yukari is confused. What does Curufin mean by that? Some strange notion of fate, or if Yukari is an aftereffect?

Edited 2017-09-03 14:25 (UTC)

Curufin doesn't entirely believe that. He thinks Yukari would have found some way to signal that he had something to reveal, something that really needed to be said, even if he didn't say it directly. He'd have given Curufin the chance to make sure it got said, and that is a good as taking the initiative. Besides, it is impossible to conceal such strong feelings forever. They tend to overthrow the intention of silence.

Oh yes, there are what ifs. There always are.

His hand is still lying gently on Yukari's shoulder.

"Yes, from before I met you. You know enough about my life in my own world to know that even though I was ferociously experimental in my early manhood, and even though I was married later, love never really worked out for me. I missed it, and I knew that I had missed something. I only had a vague intimation of what that might be. I died without ever seeing it manifested. When I was dead and wandering as a spirit, I dreamed of the lives I could have had, and it almost felt to me as though if I tried hard enough, I might come back to life, and then I could search for what was missing. And later, when I was in the world we called Arda Marred, I still longed for what was missing, but it was never within my grasp."

"And now I am here, and to my great surprise, I found a friend I never expected to find, and even better, we came to love each other, and amazingly, you wanted me for a lover. And I wanted you." It has really nothing to do with fate. Only with chance, love, and desire. "I feel so lucky. . . " More softly. "So lucky."

He leans towards Yukari and kisses his cheek.

So Yukari was just lucky enough that they found each other and fell for each other. And the clone was just a stepping stone that happened to move them together much sooner than either of them had anticipated. Yukari feels relieved at that, if only a little. And Curufin feels lucky to have him, truly, as he is here. Chaos, shyness, and all.

And for the moment, he questions himself. To Yukari, Curufin is kind, loving, and perfect. Even though he's seen that Chaos within the Elf, and knows his past. And when Curufin tells him he's kind, sweet, and caring, is he being seen the same way, then?

He can't be sure. And he doesn't want to ask. It grates him when he hears it, like he's not being seen for what he is. And sometimes, it feels like he's lying to stay close to Curufin. Unlike Curufin, he hasn't come around to kindness and the willingness to help. And, many a time, he would rather still gut someone just for the amusement factor. No matter how Curufin sees him, that will never change.

When he feels that kiss on his cheek, though, he turns to Curufin. At the very least, Curufin likes him for him, and not something his copy did. He can take solace in that much for now.

"I'm lucky, too... I never expected anything like this."

Curufin would laugh at the idea that he is kind, loving, and perfect. Even if he strives to be so, for Yukari whom he loves, still, he doesn't see himself that way.

Nor does he see Yukari as entirely a being of sweetness. It is precisely because he is so many other things besides that Curufin can see the sweetness silhouetted clearly. And he knows this consciously.

It is so like Curufin to choose a person who has so much chaos in him. It is not foreign to him, he can so well understand it, and that gives him an entryway if he is going to try to help Yukari as well as love him.

"But you deserved something like this," he says, quietly. "And I am lucky, too."

Edited 2017-09-28 20:19 (UTC)

Did he really, though? Deserve something like this? Yukari feels like that's wrong. Everyone before had scorned him, hated him, and not without good reason. Even...

Yukari reaches a hand to Curufin's, entangling his fingers gently.

"There has only been one before you, just so you know. I was in Ichigen's care when I met him." If his mother had met him, maybe things would have turned out differently. But they didn't, did they? And it does nothing to dwell in what-ifs. "In some ways you're similar, but so different. And he was kind, for a little while."

Yukari's expression becomes something bitter. He's never spoken about his first love since their relationship ended. But compared to Curufin, his experience with love is so very limited, if not almost nonexistent.

Curufin squeezes those fingers gently.

"If you wish to speak of him, then feel free to do so. You know that I will listen."

Of course he is curious about those similarities and differences. But above all, if Yukari has a need to to bring those experiences into the light, to be heard and not judged, then Curufin has a need to be there for him. Because we all judge ourselves for the way others mistreat us, and we fear judgement on that account. It can help to be heard instead by one who cares and will empathize.

Edited 2017-10-07 20:44 (UTC)

"I met Takehiko-san through our fencing class. He was very skilled, and had very few problems keeping up with me. In fact, I would go so far to say that he was better than myself on a few occassions. There were times when he defeated me, if it didn't end in a draw. His skill probably caught my attention the most, at first. And he had such a smile that drew almost everyone in."

Even me.

"When he asked me out, I was of course flattered. I was seventeen." Yukari gives a pained chuckle. "I couldn't tell if so many were more jealous that I was dating him, or that he was dating me. He was beautifully attractive, as well."

A lengthy pause.

"At first, I couldn't tell that something was amiss. He bought me gifts often, and whenever I was near him, his arm was around me when he talked to others. I felt like I was made of gold when he would introduce me to his friends and admirers. And it never mattered to me what others would say about us together. The insults and threats. He called me beautiful, as well."

He hesitates, taking a deep breath, contemplating. Finally...

"It just... I suppose it got worse, and I didn't recognise the warning signs. That he was actually being possessive, for a start. That I didn't walk away unscathed that Christmas." He finds himself not actually wanting to cover the details of the less pleasant aspects of that relationship. He wanted to tell Curufin, but... he wasn't entirely ready. "Takehiko was dangerous, and not in a beautiful way. So, when it came to the end of that relationship, I couldn't help but hate him."

"It must have been hard to be in that position, to have one so magnetic and so sought-after. . . seeking after you, choosing you, making you a priority in his life, and then to become aware that all is not well. I can perfectly well understand that you would not recognize at first that the signs meant you were in a really bad situation. It is only human, to have your emotions and perceptions subject to such a lag. It is not your fault."

And he hears that phrase, didn't walk away unscathed. He knows what that means. That was very unbeautiful indeed!

"It was hateful of him to treat you that way."

And his eyes are full of tenderness and indignation for Yukari's sake.

Yukari's lips press back into a line.

"It was outright barbaric. Thank whatever powers that be for my Colourless King, or I may have suffered far worse. Although, I by no means had it mastered at that time."

The Colourless barrier can take quite a bit of will, especially if you're just learning it.

"I escaped and had no idea what happened to him after. He was strong, I'm certain he survived, and perhaps moved on in his life to another victim. But I never sought after him, neither for desire nor revenge."

"Thank goodness you escaped! And I wish him an early death for that little stunt, and I hope he burns in Hell, as he deserves for such barbarity!"

Their hands are still entwined, and Curufin squeezes Yukari's fingers lovingly.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Who Are You To Change This World? Silly Boy!

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That lovely song. I love Poets of the Fall!

<3

<3333

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