hadriel_logs | This Is My Chance. This Is My Chance. I'll Take It Now, Because I can.

This Is My Chance. This Is My Chance. I'll Take It Now, Because I can.

Who: Yukari, Ichigen's ghost, and Open. And a closed prompt to Curufin
What: Ghost Event
Where: Around Hadriel
When: 6/21 - 6/29
Warnings: Emotional trauma, violence, physical deteriouration, ghost death; will update as needed.

[A. Until you die; until you're alive. (21st-25th)]

Yukari's out and about, picking up new fabrics and some general groceries. Occasionally, he'll see someone reacting strangely, and even start talking to themselves, and he cocks his head a little, observing with mild curiousity. But, before long, he dismisses it. Not his circus, not his monkeys. He carries a bag of groceries in one arm, and totes a carrier of folded cloth in the other as he heads away from the shops. He debates if he should make a small trip to Curufin's. The Elf is always coming to his house. Perhaps because Curufin's family lives with Curufin as well, and Yukari's place is room for them to be alone and comfortable together. That's what Yukari believes, anyway. He's never bothered asking, and it's never worried him either.

When Yukari rounds the corner, he's snapped from his reverie, and he grips the grocery bag a little tighter to resist dropping it in surprise, blinking and staring. He feels his breath snag. Is that... Is that Ichigen-sama?

One thing's for sure, that's definitely a thing that at least looks like him. Yukari shifts uncomfortably, and straightens his posture, moving to walk past the ghost yet never taking his gaze off of it. And, as he starts to walk away, the ghost seems to follow him. The look on Yukari's face is nothing short of unsettled. However, so long as he keeps an eye on Ichigen, he permits the ghost to follow him, trying to figure out why the ghost is here.

Over the span of the next few days, he'll be constantly walking around Hadriel, with his focus on Ichigen, staring at him. Occasionally, when Ichigen calls his name, or smiles at him, Yukari might visibly pale. But he doesn't converse back with it, not yet. And the ghost seems to be okay with this. He'll lead it places and then just sit on a bench, or stand in place, as he continues to stare; observing to see if this is some sort of joke. Which, as Ichigen keeps going about, and speaks in haiku as he makes observations of the caves, the less it appears like a joke.

Despite his growing fatigue, he repeats this course of action, day in and day out, not particularly concerned where he's going or sitting. Perhaps he's stepped on your foot, or taken the spot you were just about to sit in yourself. Maybe he's bumped or full on crashed into you, which he'll just move around you without an apology and continue going like he hit nothing at all, never breaking his stare on Ichigen.

[B. Until you see, how could you believe? (26th-27th)]

It isn't until a handful of days later that Yukari finally speaks to him. Standing near the shops, Ichigen looks concerned about Yukari's growing fatigue. Ichigen is the first to speak today finally asks him, "What's on your mind, Yukari?"

It takes Yukari a moment to answer. He has a barrage of questions, and each one more complicated than the last. And with Ichigen observing him, he's sure the ghost is fully aware of what lies beneath Yukari's surface. Ichigen always was, no matter how Yukari tried to hide it. With that, he chooses the most prominent question.

"Are you really Ichigen-sama?"

"It seems that way, doesn't it? Either way, I am here." The ghost is gentle, warm, and sincere.

Yukari merely folds his arms in thought and responds with a hmmm... It certainly seems like Ichigen.

"Yukari, you should be taking care of your health." Ichigen says it almost warily. It wasn't that Yukari hadn't noticed. He felt more tired by the hour, with no reprieve from sleep. And maybe that exhaustion is what's causing him to have such a hard time accepting that this is, indeed Ichigen.

It does seem just like him...

He tangles a hand into his own hair, pressing on the thought even further, before finally resigning to it. The dead do get resurrected here, don't they? It's certainly not the first time, and surely won't be the last.

"I'm sorry, for failing you. For attacking you." Yukari mutters his first confession to Ichigen, to which the ghost gives an understanding smile.

"I knew you were going to leave eventually. It was what you needed. Did you ever find what you were looking for?"

"I truly believe I have. I met someone wonderful."

The conversation continues to delve into how he met, and started dating Curufin, and his realisation of the beauty within that relationship, and catching up on all that happened in Yukari's life since he left Ichigen's side.

Over the next twenty four hours, despite his exhaustion, Yukari can be seen laughing and escorting Ichigen everywhere, indulging in all manner of conversation. Perhaps you overhear one of their conversations and are curious about the contents of it - from conversations about Curufin, to lives of war and peace, and reconnecting to Yukari's past in general about being raised and trained under Ichigen's sword. Stories of vassals and orphans.

Or, perhaps, you see the chaos-driven mercenary shooting you a warm and genuine smile for a change as he escorts Ichigen around. If you approach him, he'll be inclined to introduce his first King to you. Unlike Yukari, Ichigen doesn't bite. And how could he with such a calm and warm demeanour?

[C. Don't save me, don't save me, 'cause I don't care. (28th - 29th - Closed to Curufin)]

Yukari barely feels like moving. He feels so heavy. Yet, he forces himself to do so anyway. Yukari and Ichigen seem to have reached the same conclusion, and Ichigen seems to grow more quiet because of it, his face more somber as he worries for his original vassal that he raised like a son. For the outings Yukari can barely keep himself upright, and even with coffee as they share a bench seems to be nearly impossible to endure. Yukari is visibly struggling to stay awake, though he will outright refuse it even to himself.

Ichigen sighs.

"Yukari, we should end this. I'm obviously causing you harm."

"No. Don't worry about something like that. If I die here, I'll be resurrected soon enough."

Is that really okay, though? Would Curufin understand his dying to save Ichigen this time? Or would it hurt the Elf to do so? And Yukari's face grimaces at the internal conflict.

Ichigen gives another soft smile. "You've been changing little by little, haven't you?I'm glad you've found your own beauty." A beat, as they listen to the river run by for a moment. "Even still, Yukari, you shouldn't die for me."

"Well, there's no guarantee I'll die."

It's a lie. They both know it. But Yukari still hasn't decided if he can kill this man only to save himself. Maybe once upon a time, he could. He had attacked Ichigen without hesitation, and had struck his King, drawing blood back then. But, even then, he didn't intend to go through with taking Ichigen's very life. Not if he didn't have to in order to break free. And now? Now he's even less sure he could do it. Ichigen had been a wonderful person to him, taking him in after his mother died. Pointing his sword at Ichigen at this point would feel similar to pointing his sword at Curufin. It made his chest tighten.

He knows he'll come back and be resurrected. But Ichigen? He's not so sure it would work the same way. The little clairvoyance Yukari has wouldn't give him anything in the way of an actual answer, and it made him uneasy.

Surely, Curufin will understand.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Curufin tells his own ghost, his cousin Finrod, to take off for while so he can go and find Yukari. Finrod nods and sets off on an errand of his own -- this being a convenient time. He doesn't want Curufin to know he's consulting Lance Sweets as regards this awful situation.

Curufin isn't in good shape. His eyes are bright, perhaps too bright, and deeply shadowed. He forces his steps not to drag as he walks across the city, as he is proud and doesn't want to appear as anything less than energetic, strong, and competent. But he can do nothing about the exhausted pounding of his heart when he so much as crosses the street.

He finds Yukari sitting on a bench with Ichigen. They are drinking coffee. Curufin smiles.

"Good morning, you two," he says, attempting to sound cheerful.

Edited 2017-06-22 21:48 (UTC)

Curufin's sudden appearance almost causes Yukari to jolt, as if his very thought process conjured the Elf here. Yukari blinks for a moment to determine if it really is Curufin or just a mirage caused by the exhaustion he feels. But once he's sure, he gives Curufin an almost uncharacteristically warm smile.

"Curufin, good morning." Ichigen's ears seem to perk up at the mention of Curufin's name, and he nods along with that good morning, smiling up at Curufin as well. "This is Ichigen-sama. My first King."

Ichigen stands up to greet Curufin properly, bowing his head.

"So, you're the Curufin I've heard so much about. You seem like a fine young man. Thank you for taking care of Yukari." Ichigen's smile is sincere. He motions to the bench, to the space next to Yukari. "Won't you sit with us?"

And Ichigen himself will sit on the other side of Curufin, if he does choose to sit with them.

"And how are you enjoying this fine day?" Ichigen seems to mentally note the exhaustion that Curufin bears, and a brief look of worry flashes acrost his face. It seems evident to him that Curufin is suffering the same effects as Yukari.

Edited 2017-06-22 22:16 (UTC)

Curufin exchanges glances with his lover and returns that warm smile. He wonders if either of them will have much more time for warmth and felicity.

But he replies, brightly, "Pleased to meet you, Lord Ichigen!" And he bows as well, knowing just enough about Yukari's culture to know that the gestures of politeness are very important. Ichigen is a king and Curufin is only a prince, so he makes his bow just a little deeper.

"It has been my pleasure to know Yukari, and I try my best to take care of him. He's told me a little about you, and I have admired the King he describes."

He accepts the invitation to sit down, thankfully, and takes the indicated empty spot on the bench. "It is a fine day, and I am enjoying it. And you, sir?"

Edited 2017-06-22 22:28 (UTC)

"Is that so? I'm glad he speaks well of me. He's told me so much about you, I feel like we're well acquainted already."

As he returns himself to the bench, he sets his coffee on the ground, near the foot of the bench, and turns his attention properly to Curufin.

"I admit, I was a little worried for him when he left my clan. But he is strong. I knew he would find the beauty he was looking for eventually. And I am delighted to hear that he's found it with you."

He nods his head gently.

"I'm enjoying it as well. Thank you. Yukari tells me that you hail from another world. Is that true? I would like to hear about your world, if you would tell me. Arda, I believe he called it?"

Yukari leans over, setting his head against Curufin's shoulder as he listens to Ichigen inquire about Curufin.

"Of course he speaks well of you. You were his true teacher, and his friend. And I, too, feel almost as though I know you already."

Curufin slides his arm around Yukari as he sits with his head on Curufin's shoulder. Yukari isn't much for public gestures, and the fact that he doesn't mind now is a measure of how outside of the ordinary things have become, and how uncertain.

"Yukari is strong indeed, and I don't doubt that some of his strength derives from your faith in him. And some is all his own. I knew it when I first met him. And that is right -- we have found beauty together."

And as for the world he comes from: "Yes, it's called Arda. It's a world of brilliant light and dark shadow, literally, poetically, and morally. Two continents, separated by a turbulent sea and an icy northern stait. Tall mountains, wide plains, magnificent forests, shining rivers. Cold northern country (which I loved -- that was my country), warm southern regions. A pantheon of gods, the Valar, who are supposed to care for the world and its peoples, but have a hard time doing this because they are at war with one of their own members -- the god of fire and darkness. Still, they looked after us when we first arrived. Elves were the Firstborn race, then the Dwarves and the mortals. We were caught up in the wars of the gods almost as soon as we came."

He pauses, wondering how to summarize the long, strange journey. "My father and all seven of his sons swore eternal vengeance on the renegade god, because he murdered my grandfather, the sire of our clan, the Noldor. And because the god stole three potently magical jewels from us, the Silmarils. In our world, words are powerful in ways that I don't think they are everywhere. Our Oath was an oath that bound us to recover the jewels or die trying, no matter what the cost to ourselves or others. We destroyed ourselves with it, to make a long story short. We fought five great battles, and another after my death. In between, there was internecine warfare between Elves, and we could not form a permanent or effective alliance against the Dark Foe of the World. The great Elf Kingdoms fell, and the god was not defeated."

"I had my part in that. I and one of my brothers tried to take our cousin's kingdom from him, and we contrived to send him to his death on a quest that for him was futile. My cousin now haunts me here, in Hadriel."

As he is describing Aman and Middle-earth, his eyes shines and his voice is vibrant. It is only when he speaks of the failure of the Elves and his own treachery that his manner becomes more subdued and thoughtful.

Ichigen listens to the story closely, without interrupting. And when Curufin's story finishes...

"I see. So you, too, are haunted." Without a doubt, then, then the reason for Curufin's exhausted appearance. " You sound like a very proud warrior. Surely, a sight to behold in your world." While Ichigen prefers peace, you don't raise a man like Yukari and not understand the... perils? necessities? of war. Whatever Yukari sees in it, Ichigen can empathise with. "You have changed over your course, as well, it would seem. A strong man to overcome his own, internal trials, is one greatly worthy of respect. And you have mine for taming Yukari, no less."

Noting, of course, Yukari's affection and Curufin's gentle gesture to return said affection. He knows well that Yukari is also not prone to such expressions. Not since his last lover. To see him open up to someone else brings a soft smile to Ichigen's face.

"You are very good for him. You have my thanks."

He glances at Yukari, who appears to be asleep for the moment, no longer able to resist the desire to close his eyes. Ichigen was running out of time. And just how much more he had, he couldn't read with his clairvoyant abilities. But, with Yukari's state, it can't be much longer. Before tomorrow, surely. He looks back to Curufin and motions him to follow him.

"Would you mind terribly if I begged a favour of you? Or perhaps even two?"

He waits to see if Curufin will follow before standing up and heading several paces away, just out of Yukari's earshot.

Edited 2017-06-25 12:52 (UTC)

Curufin has rather truncated his tale, since Ichigen doesn't need to know it all, only to get a feel for who this Curufin person is, who loves his former student and vassal.

"Thank your for your kind words, Lord Ichigen. I have changed indeed, and the trials have been worth it in the end, to me. I think that my past has helped me understand Yukari, and helped make it possible for me to offer him something he needs." He smiles. "I don't know about the tamed thing, but it is true that he is gentle and loving when given the chance. I give him the chance as often as possible."

He looks at Ichigen with respect. "You are welcome. I hope I am good for him. I try to be. And you, sir, are a most amazing person. I don't know you personally, except for these few moments we have had here. But I can see that Yukari was most lucky to have had friendship from you."

And he looks down at Yukari with concern. It is completely unlike him to fall asleep in public, even in the company of two who would protect him. He nods when Ichigen asks him for a private word or two, lays Yukari gently down on the bench, takes off his cloak and covers Yukari with it, and follows Ichigen.

"I would not mind at all. What do you need?"

"Ah, but I have had my shortcomings. Perhaps, because of that, I can see how well you suit him. You're already doing something I could not. Friendship or not, I pushed him further than he wanted to be. He doesn't like being a leader in any form."

Ichigen also eyes Yukari worryingly. And when he's sure that Yukari won't overhear them, he speaks.

"You've noticed, haven't you? He would never fall asleep so openly. Vulnerability is not his forte. Not even when I met him would he do so. This is my fault, my doing." He bows his head in apology. "I'm afraid that what I must ask of you will may be difficult. He is delighted to see me again, but I lived a long life before."

He looks back at Curufin, with a gentle smile.

"I'm not supposed to be here. And he will die if I continue to stay here. Curufin, please grant me this - Take my life to save his. Even if he can be resurrected here, I'm certain it will serve no purpose other than pain."

He bows low this time.

"And I noticed your plight also. Please, tend to your needs as well. That's all I ask of you."

"Do we ever really know what our influence on another is or has been? You probably did the best thing you could do at the time, though it may not have seemed so. He may not want to be a leader, but nonetheless, he is one who has an influence on others. Maybe someday he will find a use for it."

He looks back at the sleeping Yukari with tender, worried eyes.

"I have noticed. But you did not choose this, would never have chosen it. It was somehow chosen for you, without your consent."

Curufin looks Ichigen in the face, and then he returns the bow, with deep respect. He answers softly. "I do not want to do such a thing. You do not deserve it, and I fear it will hurt him. But still. . . if you ask it, I will grant it. I could watch him die, and wait in Hope's temple again, until he is returned to me. But that would hurt him, too. He hasn't recovered from the last time. I mean, he still feels anguish for the pain I felt when I waited for him, not knowing if he could come back to life. He blames himself, and he still feels unworthy of being loved. I do not want to inflict that on him again."

He sighs deeply.

"You've seen truly. I lose more strength every day, and I do not know how much longer it will be until my life, too, is in jeopardy. And yet I cannot kill my cousin. I did not kill him the first time, but his death was my doing. Twice would be more than I could stomach. And still. . . I cannot bear to think of Yukari waiting for my return, in as much uncertainty as I was."

He shakes his head and gazes into Ichigen's kindly eyes. "How shall we arrange this? -- what you have asked for. And when?"

"If he is learning through you, he may learn purpose through influence yet."

A sense of worry clouds over Ichigen's eyes.

"So, it is an occurrence he has already suffered before..." He sighs softly. "You must mean very much to him if he still holds onto that pain. And what of you? Do you still hold the pain of that loss you felt and feared?"

He listens carefully to Curufin's experience with his own ghost.

"If your cousin is anything like you, I cannot imagine he would want you to meet your end this way, either. Still, asking you to sacrifice them for yourself can be painful. I hope you find a solution before it comes down to the final seconds of your life."

A sigh.

"The sooner the better, I will not put up a fight. Although I certainly prefer a quick method, whatever that may be within your grasp. It will benefit Yukari for quick and soon, as well. I do not wish to be a burden any longer than I have to."

"I hope that if he learns anything from me, it will be from who I am now, not from who I have been. He has enough chaos of his own. I worry sometimes because that darkness we each carry is a part of what attracts us each to the other. But we have tried to practice kindness to one another, and I have tried to give my best energies to this community and to all whom I love and esteem, my family and my friends as well as Yukari. I hope that that form of influence is one he will someday be able to relate to. Because, Lord Ichigen, when Yukari is kind, he is extraordinary. Maybe someday others will have the good fortune to experience it, too."

"Yes, he did suffer from that other occurrence. And I suppose it is because he cares for me that he cannot forget it. As for me. . . yes. I am afraid that I hold onto that pain, too. But it is all mixed up with earlier losses; it is not entirely about Yukari. Still, he cannot let himself off the hook for it."

He smiles a little, rueful smile. "I almost wish I hadn't asked my cousin to give me a break. I'd have liked you to meet him. I think the two of you would have understood each other very well. He's not like me; he was never anything but honorable, wise, and kind. He has a little bit of darkness in him, it's true -- all of my family who were went as exiles from the country of our gods carry a bit of darkness, of chaos. But he least of all, I think. But you are right, he does not want me to meet my end this way. I think this is less for my sake than for my son's, but that is all right. I am terrified, also, of how painful it would be for Cel to wait in Hope's temple, not knowing if his father will return or not. He does not deserve that, either."

And he glances at the sleeping Yukari, giving him a long look of love and sadness. And then he considers Ichigen. "Do not worry, I am an accomplished swordsman. I know. . . how to give a swift and nearly painless death." His own words appall him, but he knows he must make good on his promise.

"Do you want to bid Yukari farewell? Or do you think. . . perhaps we should not wake him? And if not, then maybe you could leave a message for him, so that he knows you were thinking of him at the last?"

"I see. I had tried to teach him in much of a similar manner. And had success for a time. But yes, you are right - when he is kind, he is extraordinary. It's wonderful that someone like you could bring it back out of him again. Please take care to not repeat my mistakes."

If Ichigen had known about all of this when he first arrived, maybe he could have made a difference. Perhaps there would have been time to help Yukari let go of the pain he held for Curufin. But Yukari had been so busy reconnecting to his old mentor, and not once had he asked for Ichigen's advice, on any matter, much less the one regarding Curufin.

"I always should have asked more..." he says painfully, as he scratches the back of his head. That's the third time that same mistake with Yukari has come back to bite him.

Ichigen ponders on that last question. He really would like to say goodbye to Yukari. But the chances appeared extremely high that Yukari would argue against it. And what if he pleaded with Curufin not to? Would the Elf's resolve change? And if it didn't, if he went through with it, despite Yukari's pleas, it would probably wound Curufin further.

Much more than the note path would. And he can't afford to be selfish right now. Not with Yukari's life teetering on the line.

".... Yes, I'll leave him a note."

Edited 2017-07-06 15:42 (UTC)

"I'm not sure you actually made any mistakes, Lord Ichigen! Perhaps it was just that he knew you too early in his life's journey to be able to respond fully to your love and care. But I am positive that you have had an effect on him -- perhaps including a delayed effect -- and that without it, he could not have responded fully to me, either. It's my belief that these things are cumulative."

And perhaps Ichigen has helped, even in that matter of both Curufin and Yukari holding onto the pain of their separation when Yukari was dead. Curufin is now obliged to think about it. Maybe Ichigen is right, and the best thing Curufin can do is find a way to let go of that pain. Be an example of what you want for others.

"If you had asked more, then what would you have asked of him?" Curufin is curious, but also, wondering if Ichigen has any more insights into what might help Yukari. Because if it even was a mistake, and Curufin is making the same mistake, then it is not to late to choose another course of action.

And since he is on Guard duty, he is carrying his report pad and a pen in his satchel. He pulls them out and passes them to Yukari's mentor. "Will this do?" Not the elegant materials that would be worthy of Ichigen (and Yukari), but perhaps adequate. As he hands over the pad, he experiences a sharp pain in his heart, for he feels he is handing a person whom he esteems and Yukari loves his death warrant. Ghost or not.

Edited 2017-07-09 01:05 (UTC)

"Yes, perhaps that is the case." He hopes it's the case. He wishes he could have been there as better support for Yukari. To have saved him from the inner turmoil that ultimately lead to their combat and separation. "I would have asked him to share his feelings more with me. I wasn't properly there for him at his more crucial moments. Though I was open for conversation of anything he wished to discuss, I never pressed him when he was being too silent. I thought... I had supposed he would have come to me if he needed me. But, in the end... I have no doubt it is what separated us."

Even though he had used his foresight to check in on Yukari. He saw the probability of it happening, the day that Yukari would attack his mentor and leave. And the best he did to prepare was to offer him Ayamachi and ask him to find his own beauty. Even with that accomplishment in place now, with Yukari experiencing love for the first time in so many years, it doesn't ease what Ichigen wishes he could have done. If only he had realised it back in the beginning.

"He is fragile, though not in the physical sense. He's always had an underlying instability." A word he was hesitant to use. "One that he buried so very deeply. Though it can be seen from time to time. It is his ultimate downfall, and I worry that nothing might be able to repair it. He's lost so much in his life, I can only wish better for him."

He takes the pad and paper and scrawls a fairly long note in Japanese Kanji to Yukari, giving in-depth details of his departure, caring, and wishes for the other man. To reduce confusion and concern surrounding this circumstance. Then he hands the paper and pen back to Curufin.

"As for you, Curufin. Thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart. For being a source of happiness and comfort for Yukari. And for sparing his life in my request."

Curufin nods, grateful for Ichigen's input. Nobody can save another from his inner turmoil, not ultimately. However, even Curufin knows that when feelings of distress and confusion are shared, they become less controlling. More possibilities open up, just because another person has cared enough to listen. One does not feel so lost, and it is easier to focus on doing something constructive about one's problems. If Curufin and his brothers had known this in the distant past, then maybe their story would not have ended so disastrously. And maybe now in the present, Curufin can profit by Ichigen's insights. Perhaps he can help Yukari to build a new life, by not allowing him to keep things to himself, to become silently mired down in his trouble.

Besides, if it will help Ichigen himself to know that Yukari's lover will try to follow that advice, then maybe it will seem less of a dark deed, to take his life.

No, it will be dark deed nonetheless. Whatever he is, this kind and honorable man, a ghost out of Yukari's memories, or a true ghost, or an illusion of some kind. . . it doesn't matter what he is. The simple fact that Yukari accepts him as real indicates that there is some order of reality in which he's authentic. (Just like Finrod, alas!)

"I will take your words to heart, Ichigen-sama! I do not believe you failed in your love for Yukari, only, as I said, that the task of the renewal of Yukari's life was so difficult that you could not have succeeded at it alone, nor could he, not even with your assistance. But you made such a significant beginning that it will make a difference to him, I am sure of this. I will carry on with what you started. I will remind him that he is not alone, even when he feels alone in his misery and is locked in silence. I will come into that silent loneliness and invite him to speak, and I will not be deterred even if he tries to cling to his silence out of feelings of unworthiness. I love him, and I believe with all my heart that he is worthy of love and worthy of a better life, and I will treat him as though I believe it."

"I agree, there is a fragility about him, and he tries very hard to hide it when he is with most people. He doesn't hide it from me, for the most part. He has come to trust me that much. But I have come to believe that nobody is without injuries. It's just that there are different coping methods, and as well, it is possible to be on the path of healing. Whether or not healing is ever complete is not really the question. The only question is whether we can stay on the path. I want things for him, even as you do. I want healing for him, and I want it to be possible for him to come to terms with his losses and look for a future. And what I can do about that is help him remain on the path."

Curufin realizes suddenly that the reason he has been able to help Yukari at all, and the reason Curufin has been able and eager to love him, is because the Elf is himself on the path of renewal. There was a time when he believed himself damned, his soul twisted and distorted beyond hope of recovery. But he believes this no longer, even though he still struggles with his past. This positions him to be of help to Yukari, because he knows.

Curufin smiles at Ichigen, and with sorrow and respect, he bows deeply. He takes the paper, folds it with care, and places it back in the satchel with the pen and ink.

"You are welcome. It has been my joy to be that source of happiness and comfort, and he has given me much, as well. More than he knows! For his sake and for yours, I accede to your request. And I hope I have expressed the thanks that are due to you, who have been Yukari's inspiration, and are now mine."

He extends a hand. "Come, let us go to Hope's temple. It is not far from here." Because if Ichigen does not simply vanish into thin air when he is dead, Curufin intends to lay him on Hope's alter. Not that Curufin thinks the god is going to revive him, but he wants to be able to tell Yukari that he made that gesture. The temple of Hope is the nearest thing to a sacred precinct that Hadriel has to offer, and Ichigen deserves no less.

"Thank you, your words are very kind. I can see why he cares so deeply for you. I can rest easy knowing he is in your hands. Not that I have would deter him in whatever path he chooses, but I am undoubtedly grateful that it is you. It would be painful to know if he had chosen someone more..." and for a moment, Ichigen hesitates. He knows it's not his story to tell. So he's trying to be as scarce on the descriptors as possible while still being to the point. "Well, self-absorbed, we shall say."

Ichigen bows his head.

"I've said it so many times already, but you have my eternal gratitude." And he smiles at Curufin. "And I am certainly glad that I could offer any insights to inspire you. You two certainly have my blessing."

With that, he takes Curufin's hand.

"Yes, please, let us depart. I would much prefer that he keep as much of his life force as possible. I shouldn't have been here in the first place. And I shouldn't be here now. Please, the sooner this is done, the sooner you can be there for him."

And Ichigen willingly, easily follows him to the Temple, truly grateful to be able to spare Yukari's life.

((OOC: Feel free to handwave with Ichigen at this point so you can skip the death scene and return to Yukari's side.))</small<

Later.

Curufin comes back to the bench, kneels down and touches Yukari's shoulder. Yukari lies with his head resting on a fold of Curufin's cloak, with the rest still covering him to the waist. His long, fine fingers are curled, his hands resting on his middle. His soft violet hair is disheveled on his moist forehead, his face still very pale. But to the Elf's eye, he looks just a tiny bit better than he did when he fell asleep.

Curufin watches that dear face for a long moment, and he thinks how much he cares for this beautiful man. His own expression is somber, but far more openly emotional than is usual for him in a public place.

Curufin is a warrior, a veteran of six hundred years of strife. He had kicked off those years with a kinslaying, and ended them with another. In a fight, he was as cold-blooded a killer as you could ask for.

But this. . . .

He thinks of how much Yukari owed and still owes to his first King, and how deep the bond must have been between them, even along with the trouble. And he thinks of lifting Ichigen's still-warm body onto Hope's alter, and how swiftly that body had dissolved, like a morning mist. As though he had never been here in the first place.

"Yukari," he murmurs, softly. "Wake up."

Yukari stirs a little at Curufin's coaxing. When had he fallen asleep? Does it matter? He feels more refreshed than any recent sleep had been able to give him. He slowly sits up, rubbing his face. And finally, realisation hits him and his eyes widen.

Ichigen-sama!

And he almost jolts up out of his seat.

"Ichigen-sama!"

But Yukari knows... he feels better so that must mean...

And for a moment, he's speechless. He doesn't know how to react. It hurts; that's what he notices first. The tightness around his heart growing into a crushing pain.

"He's gone, isn't he...?" This is the second time now, isn't it? Why? Why couldn't the Gods resurrect him to? It doesn't make sense. Why this time? Why is this time so different from the others?

A hand goes up to Curufin's shoulder, and grips into the cloth that's there, as if for support. His head lowers. And without another word, without a sob, tears start pouring down his cheeks, and he leans forward, his forehead resting on Curufin's chest.

This just isn't fair, is it? He had so much he still wanted to say...

"Yes, he's gone. He asked me to save your life."

The pain in Yukari's face goes through Curufin's heart like a knife, as he knew it would. The Elf reaches up and lays his hand on Yukari's, where it grips the shoulder seam. He strokes the hand softly. And when Yukari leans his head on Curufin's chest, he can feel the tears falling on the front of his shirt.

The Elf gathers him up in both arms.

"He left a note for you, whenever you're ready to read it," he whispers into his lover's hair.

Those words hit Yukari hard. Much harder than he thought they would, to save your life. An inexplicable knot forms in Yukari's throat. Why would Ichigen sacrifice himself, even knowing Yukari would come back? If Yukari had died instead, would Ichigen still be here?

And the moment Curufin's arms are around him, all he can do is cling to the other man. When Ichigen died the first time, no one was there for him to hold to. And even though it hurts so much more, losing him the second time like this, at least Curufin is here. And right now, Yukari couldn't be more grateful for that.

He won't let himself sob out loud, not in such a public area, but he'll let the rest of himself fall apart against Curufin. The tears don't stop, soaking through Curufin's shirt to his skin, no doubt. A dozen questions repeat themselves in his mind, seeking anything he could have done differently to keep Ichigen here, alive, and how things could have been for it. And it hurt endlessly. All the things he could have done to show Ichigen that he had grown and changed; how he had succeeded in the mission for beauty. And the hopes to repair the damage he created when he attacked Ichigen, departing for his own path. The one Ichigen seemed to know only too well that Yukari would take.

It was just like Ichigen, to always have his students, to have Yukari's, best interests at heart. Nothing short of sacrificing himself to spare him. And Yukari wishes it could have been any other way. It never should have come down to who should be the survivor or the sacrificed. It never should have come down to Ichigen dying a second time.

Even after Yukari cries until he has no more tears, he continues to cling to Curufin. Being held feels like the safest place right now, and Yukari doesn't want to move from it. He doesn't want Curufin to have to inevitably leave, for whatever reason that will pull them both apart. Can't they just stay like this forever, until the pain fades? Until things return to normal, whatever normal may be?

They may not be able to stay here forever, but they can stay a long time. Curufin simply holds Yukari close and lets him cry. He is in no hurry, and he understands that grief must take its time, it cannot be hurried; it must be experienced fully. Sometimes he strokes his lover's back, or kisses his hair, or rocks him gently.

He wishes he could have met Ichigen in some other situation than this one, that he could have known him better and longer. Surely he was an extraordinary man and an exceptional teacher! He has even taught Curufin a thing or two, just in that very short time they had to interact.

And he wishes, profoundly, that it hadn't been himself who ended Lord Ichigen's life. But Yukari seems to understand that Curufin couldn't have refused the king's wish -- could not have chosen to refuse, anyway.

And he continues to hold Yukari even after the tears have stopped. He lays a hand on his lover's soft violet hair and strokes it slowly and gently.

Edited 2017-08-30 01:31 (UTC)

Of course, Yukari knew he wouldn't resist such a request. Ichigen had a sense of sincerity about him that could penetrate the strongest of armours. And if Ichigen asked, no doubt he had done so with that sincerity. With care and concern, and never of greed. And no doubt that Curufin wouldn't have acted upon that task without that request. Yukari remembers Ichigen well enough, and knows Curufin well enough, to know all of this.

When Yukari feels that the puffiness from the crying has finally subsided, he pulls himself gently away from Curufin, leaning up and kissing the Elf's cheek gently, moving sweetly to his lips next. Yukari looks visibly tired, by the combination of strength he still lacks from Ichigen's spirit and draining even more of it through crying.

"Thank you, for being here." It's worn, but sincere. He rubs his face a little, to rub away the dried remnants of tears. "I know that what he asked couldn't have been easy for you. I think I'm ready for that letter, now."

[ OOC: Moved left. ]

Edited 2017-09-04 07:05 (UTC)

Curufin would completely agree with that description, even having known Yukari's mentor for only a little wile. Ichigen had asked for this boon with care and concern, and with armor-piercing sincerity. Curufin's reluctance was overthrown before he could really marshall his defenses.

Ichigen was an amazing man.

When Yukari finally lifts his head and kisses his lover's cheek and lips, Curufin responds with the same degree of tenderness. And then he kisses Yukari's face some more, two kisses to the tired eyelids and one to the troubled forehead.

"You're welcome. . . if that's the right thing to say." The right thing to say to your lover, whose lord you have just killed, even with the intent of saving Yukari's life.

"It wasn't easy," he agrees, quietly.

"But here's the letter." He reaches into his doublet and pulls the letter out of a pocket, and gives it to Yukari.

"Well, I think it's the right thing to say. You did what you had to."

He takes the letter gently and opens it, reading it over carefully. It goes into depth about why Ichigen chose to do this, how happy he is for Yukari, and how much he enjoyed Curufin's company. The details are written with such care and gentleness, as Yukari remembers with his first King. And then...

A pained look crosses over Yukari's face, a hand going up to cover his mouth. If he weren't already exhausted, he would cry again.

Please forgive me for not attending your needs more carefully before. I do not blame you for the circumstances of your departure.

And yet, a part of him feels anger. It was his choice to leave, to attack Ichigen to make his stand. Ichigen had no control over that. Over any of it. Not Yukari's actions, and not what happened with his first lover. It's a torn sensation, since he blames himself for every bit of it, and Ichigen takes the blame in this letter.

The hand holding the letter tightens enough to make the paper crinkle before he lays it in his lap. He just... stares at it for a moment, before deciding to fold it back up and tuck it into his jacket.

A breath passes, and Yukari stands up.

"He's very fond of you." Maybe someday, Ichigen could be here truly. As a resident of this place of second chances. "I'm glad you at least got to spend some time with him. He means alot to me. You both do."

Curufin can't read the kanji, of course, but he admires the beautiful writing. Ichigen was multi-talented, it seems. A part of his genius. The Elf still has an arm around Yukari's waist, now but he lifts that hand to his lover's shoulder and eases a little away from him, to give him some privacy as he reads the letter.

He can feel the waves of emotion that come over Yukari in response to what he has read. And then Ichigen's former student and retainer carefully refolds the letter like the precious thing it is, and puts it away.

Curufin stands up with him. "I liked him a lot. It was a privilege to know him even for such a short time. And it is clear to me that he loved you very much. He thought you were worth everything he could give, and more."

He adds, softly, "I could tell how important he was to you, even when you first mentioned him to me. And now I can see why. And I know how much I mean to you, too. The feeling is mutual."

Yukari holds his breath when Curufin talks about how Ichigen loved him clearly and averts his gaze elsewhere.

"Yes, I loved him, too." Loved? Love? This place has him so turned around, it's hard to tell if he should use past or present tense for Ichigen. It almost feels disrespectful to use past tense, even if he is deceased again.

A hesitation on Yukari's part.

And then his voice lowers, almost incoherently.

"I hope you'll always come back to me... Even if we get in a situation like this one..."

Yukari isn't the only one who finds these strange mixtures of past and present confusing! And not only that they are mixed, but that the past seems to be presenting itself for either a repeat or a retrofit, whichever the Hadriel-dweller can manage at the time by seizing the moment.

And yet. . . this strangeness has its good as well as its evil. There's a chance to say what has not been said, to acknowledge those ghostly others in ways that had not happened in the lost past.

"I'll always come back to you. I take it you mean if it is I who am deceased, while you yet live?"

He resists the urge to look around to see if Finrod is coming back. It's too soon, anyway. His cousin had said he might be gone for a few hours, though he didn't say where he was going.

Edited 2017-10-07 21:11 (UTC)

"Yes, that is what I mean."

Yukari pauses, processing over all of the thought. The fears that come with losing Curufin all over again. How he felt when the caves were split apart. And everything he would give to never feel like that again.

And speaking of death...

"Curufin, do you have one, too? Ichigen-sama... I knew Ichigen-sama was depending on my life to sustain his existence here." How cruel of the deities. "Is there someone that will take your life, too, if nothing is done?"

He asks it uncertainly - if Curufin is in the same predicament, surely he would feel guilt at losing a loved one as well. And Yukari's not certain he can return the favour of the task, both for physical and emotional reasons. But that depends on what Curufin asks for.

"Yes, I have one, too. My cousin Finrod is here. He is the one whom I sent to his death in our world, in order that my brother Celegorm and I might seize his kingdom and rule it in his stead. We were impatient to acquire great power amongst the Elvish princes, so that we might fulfill the Oath without having to depend on those who were reluctant to deal with us. They'd all have had to deal with us."

He sighs.

"Finrod tells me that he is here to remind me of what is important. He is right to do so. And I know that he saps my power and my life, just by being here where he is not supposed to be. I killed him once, and I cannot kill him again." His face shows his sorrow clearly, and this is unusual for him when he speaks of the past.

Yukari stays silent a moment before finally having the voice to ask.

"Will you let him, then? Will you let him take your life?" If he should wait in Hope's Temple, he would certainly like to know. He'd prefer it if Curufin didn't die, but he truly does understand. Even if he doesn't want to be alone until then, he won't stand in Curufin's way. After all, Yukari himself was willing to let himself die for Ichigen, and Curufin would have had to wait on him. Again.

Curufin shrugs, helplessly. And helplessness is normally as foreign to him as is fear.

"I do not know. I do not know what to do. I cannot take his life again to prevent him from taking mine. And yet, I must not die -- you would grieve for me, even if you knew I was coming back. And Cel would suffer, too, probably most of all, because in our world, he once had to watch me turn my back on him and walk away, and not so very long after that, I was killed while committing yet another crime. He will understand, but he will feel the horror and the sorrow again, in its full force. I cannot bear to think of him suffering like that again. And you, Yukari. . . what will you feel, if you have to wait in the temple and wrestle with your oldest, most terrible fears as regards losing people, and also with the fear that I might not return? -- the awful what-if? that goes along with such a vigil?"

He sits back down on the bench and drops his head into his hands. His heart is hammering as though he has just run a marathon, though all he has done is stand with Yukari for a moment.

What would he do? Waiting would be terrible. He remember the awful pain he left with Curufin on his own carelessness.

He sighs softly and sits beside Curufin.

"I cannot speak for Cel-chan. But... if it came down to you dying, you already promised me that you would return. So... even if it hurts, I will wait, and I would not hold it against you. But, if you think that it will hurt Cel-chan too much, perhaps I can spare you your pain by releasing you from it."

It's an offer, small and simple, and by no means intended to be imposing.

He looks up and slides over a little to make room, and then leans against Yukari gratefully.

"Yes, if that happens, I have promised, and I will return." He takes Yukari's hand.

"But you would release me from my pain? You would. . . " He is asking how.

"I can kill him for you. He is of no significance to myself, and being of Chaos and war, I could make it swift and easy so he doesn't suffer."

A frail sigh. Yukari's still recovering his strength.

"I leave it entirely up to you, though. It is nothing I will do without your consent."

Curufin looks at him with eyes that shine softly. He knows this is an offer that comes from the heart. (Strange world, strange existence, when we offer to kill people as a gesture of love! -- it almost makes Curufin dizzy to think of this.)

He slides an arm around Yukari's waist, as they sit there side by side. Yukari's fragile sigh moves him.

"I thank you for offering. I can't take you up on it. If he should see an assassin coming for him -- and he would, no matter how stealthy you were -- he would know that the hand that strikes is really my hand, even though it would be yours. I cannot subject him to that moment of horrible knowledge, not again."

"Yukari, could we just sit here for a while? I have to rest for a few moments. And it would be very nice to sit here with you." A soft sigh of his own. "I can't think of anything nicer."

Edited 2017-11-16 02:32 (UTC)

So, he'll choose to wait out the ghost. Yukari can understand that. He almost did the same himself.

"Yes, we can sit here for as long as you like."

Yukari certainly doesn't mind, and being held is nice. He worries a bit if Curufin might die right beside himself, if he should wait too long. But come what may, he'll keep his word and wait, tucking that worry aside for the time being.

He nuzzles his head into Curufin's shoulder and leans into him a bit.

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This Is My Chance. This Is My Chance. I'll Take It Now, Because I can.

the 28th

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Wrench my heart with "Hymn for the Missing"! I love that song.

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Want to wrap this one? -- I think Finrod kills himself not long after this.

Sounds good to me.