and i know deep down that i haven't changed at all [OPEN/CLOSED]

[circumitus]

Who: Rey and one OPEN prompt + closed prompts for Carlisle Longinmouth (tongueamok), Bianca (wormintheglass), and Nick Valentine (synthedick).
What: Having almost been drained by her own ghost, Rey tries to deal with the aftermath of some events, makes good on a promise she made to her dadbot, and has a due chat with Bianca over her ghost.
Where: Riverside, Speakeasy, House 1401, House 1301.
When: Between July 1st-10th.
Warnings: Some pretty sad stuff, plus Fallout 4 spoilers in the thread with Nick!

---

I. Riverside [OPEN]

The pain is fresh, but it never really went away. Grief does that. Digs its thorns into your skin to remind you that a piece of you has been changed forever.

Undine is gone again. Then again, that mirror image wasn't really Undine, was she? She was a copy generated by Rey's own mind. Something that took the shape of that woman who had made a construct named 'Fiona' and called it family. Rey will never know if that's what Undine truly thought of her, but the one who she spent all that time with, who asked Nick to exchange her life for Rey's... It sounds like something she would have done. What she did.

Strange, to be reminded of it all over again. While Undine has haunted Rey's thoughts quite often recently, it isn't until Nick had shown her where she died that it occurred to her: She would never know where the real Dr. Undine Stransky was buried. She never got to attend that funeral, if there ever was a ceremony at all.

This is as close as it gets -- this patch of freshly dug dirt by the riverside, where Undine's phantom had been laid to rest. Rey couldn't bring herself to gamble whether or not the body was still underneath those layers of earth, and let it be.

Not long after the memorial shared between Nick and Rey took place, she returns to that spot by the river. In her arms was a large stone, marked with an epitaph on its harsh surface:

Undine Stransky
was here

Whatever was written on her actual headstone, assuming that the real Undine had one, Rey will never know. Her chance to speak of it with her father has long passed, and she has no desire to dredge up such subjects even during those years they had lived in Chicago. She doesn't even know when her mother was born, but that's nothing new.

After some digging and placement, the stone is buried in an effective spot by the riverside grave. Undine would have liked it -- at least, the one that had been laid to rest here. Rey sits at the foot of the fresh dirt, knees tucked to her chest and arms wrapped around her legs; her chin resting over her forearms as she just listens to the rushing water for a while.

"Hi," Rey tells the grave in a cracked voice, fighting the stinging in her eyes.

It's not much, but it's enough.

---

II. Speakeasy [CLOSED TO CARLISLE LONGINMOUTH tongueamok]

In the wake of days spent in the corner of her room, Rey finally leaves the house to check in on the Speakeasy. With Firo inhabiting the casino floor more often than not, she isn't too troubled by her absence. At this rate, however, someone might just try and commandeer the place, and she can't have that.

Sadly, her 'grand' return comes in the form of copious amounts of drinking, draped over the bartop, or trying to reason with herself aloud.

"You only have yourself to blame," Rey mutters as she lays sprawled across the counter, her head hanging off the end of it while staring at the front door upside-down. She's lost track of how long she had been lounging in that position, but before long she starts getting lightheaded. Doesn't stop her from clenching the bottle of liquor as she tries to rationalize her patterns -- probably in the same way Undine would have.

Suffice to say that, after a long period of thinking time, Rey had done more muddling up her thoughts than clearing them with the aid of alcohol. She still can't get the images out of her head, though -- things she had seen and experienced over the last couple weeks...

As Rey starts to rub her face, she drops the bottle she was holding, forgetting that she was even holding it in the first place. She groans, throwing both hands over her face this time, hearing the glass bottle roll across the floor below her. "Hrnnn, fuck you, you fucking fucked up asshole," she curses at herself.

---

IV. House 1301 [CLOSED TO BIANCA wormintheglass]

Her hands clam up. They tighten, as does the rest of her when Rey finds herself standing at the front door of Bianca's home. It's been a week since she sought the other woman out at all, though it isn't like the effort was extended in return. Maybe they'd both been pretty avoidant, and they knew why.

Rey closes her eyes, and on the back of her lids she still sees that man that Bianca was with. She didn't ask who he was, because she didn't ask anything at all. That was on her. Rather than uttering a word of Bianca to her mother, Rey tensed and moved on as if seeing nothing at all. Her own time with Undine was limited, and Rey couldn't bear to squander it with such drama as seeing the woman she had been with haunted by a past lover.

You only have yourself to blame, the words echo in her head. After all, Rey shouldn't have expected any different. She had been distant. She had been unable to provide.

She had failed.

Where anyone else would point out the flaws in her logic, Rey can see nothing else. She knew nothing, and had no experience, and it was her fault for being so damned afraid all of the time. It just didn't take until losing Undine again and Nick expressing a sort of fatherly love towards Rey that she knew why -- you always hurt the ones you love.

Letting out a heavy exhale, she draws a fist up, and gives the Bianca's door a few knocks. Normally she would just enter, but things are different now. She is different. And that's terrifying.

---

III. House 1401 [CLOSED TO NICK VALENTINE synthedick]

Keyboard clicks and clacks thunderously echoes throughout the office. Wires, gadgets, and other knickknacks riddle the floor at her feet as Rey navigates Nick's terminal with more ease than before. Her memories replay Undine's helpful advice, guiding the Rey of now through the data. This code and operating system would be mostly alien to Rey, bearing the likeness of the ancient OpenVMS OS, but after some tinkering, she's gotten fairly used to it to the point of being a passable user.

Hard to believe sometimes that someone like Nick would come from a future with such dated tech. Undine was more experienced, though. Her presence shed more light in how these systems functioned. While by no means a computer tech herself, Rey has at least gotten to the point where she can utilize the system to perform the action Nick had requested it for.

After what he did for her -- for Undine -- it's the least she can do.

When she's done, she shoots a message to Nick's phone, informing him that she's finished with the office. They have discussed this in enough detail that he should have a pretty good idea on what he's coming home to.

Until then, Rey inspects the wiring, giving everything a last once-over. The brain can be a very sensitive place to rifle around in. Just because it's made up of ones and zeroes instead of neurons doesn't make it any different.

Comments

Speakeasy.

[tongueamok]

"I never thought you had such strong opinions of me, Miss Rey."

Should Rey remove her hands from her face, she might spot a pair of plate-covered shoes standing before her. They may be upside-down from her vantage point, but Carlisle himself is not. He's looking rather sober today, in fact, far more his usual kempt and tidy self than he had been the last time he was in the Speakeasy.

Rey, on the other hand, looks like she's been drinking enough for both of them.

[circumitus]

Oops. Rey should have known someone would walk in on her cursing and musing out loud. She's perfectly capable of internal processing, but she gets progressively more chatty after a few drinks in, no matter the company she's in -- or lack of.

"Not you," Rey huffs, drawing her hands away to jab a thumb at herself. "This asshole. The one right here. Biggest asshole."

Flawless transition, there. Rey doesn't even attempt to scramble upright. Moving is a pain, anyway.

[tongueamok]

Carlisle raises an eyebrow to that, a puzzled look crossing him. That position can't be comfortable for her, he muses, but given how intoxicated she seems to be, he can't imagine that she cares at that moment. He knows the feeling too well.

"And what, pray tell, have you done that would merit ascribing such a title to yourself?" he asks, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

[circumitus]

She sighs, drawing herself into an upright position. A herculean effort, as her head feels heavier and her tongue thicker when she speaks. Rey swings her legs towards the inner side of the bartop, her back to Carlisle.

"Am a fucking coward, that's what," she snaps. Less of a jab at Carlisle's query and more of an expression of disgust towards herself. Times like this, she hates that reflection she sees in the glass, the sound of her own voice. It'd be better if she could just erase all of that--

And then she reminds herself what such a thing would do to some people. People who don't deserve to be abandoned.

Smoke huffs from her mouth as she drops from the counter, grabbing another bottle. "It's just better to get pissed off than afraid. At least one of those gods aren't around to get anything out of it."

[tongueamok]

Noting the smoke rising from her mouth and deciding that, perhaps, finding a way to calm Rey down would be the best option for both the building and their safety, Carlisle continues with his questions, his tone soft.

"What is it you're afraid of, if I may ask? I cannot say I've ever pictured you to be the type to run from anything, given your capabilities."

He means the pyromancy, of course.

[circumitus]

Yanking a glass from the shelves, she starts to pour a glass of fresh whiskey, straight.

"If it can be killed, sure, that's no problem. But not every problem can be killed."

Like emotions. You can't just set your feelings on fire, unfortunately.

[tongueamok]

That gives Carlisle a moment's pause.

"You mean the undead? Or a less... tangible kind of problem?"

[circumitus]

She snorts, bringing the glass to her lips.

"The latter. Am not afraid of dead things." Especially not anything classified as 'undead', for that matter. Rey downs the liquor before slamming the glass back down over the counter. "Been with someone for nearly a year now." She pauses, wanting to stop there, but-- "It's... not working out. At least, don't think it is."

Hey, Carlisle has a partner that isn't even human. It's not too weird to talk about, is it?

[tongueamok]

"Been with— oh."

That apparently comes as a surprise if his expression says anything about it. Carlisle fumbles with the edge of his sweater, finally sliding into a seat. It's not his business to pry, but it was his job back home to listen, and Rey seems like she could stand to have someone to vent at, if only for a little while.

"Why do you say that?"

I.

[glacius]

Though Glacius and his partner both had managed to slip by this latest ordeal without having any old feelings or specters of the past dredged up, the alien isn't blind to what's been going on this past month. He never is, even if he sometimes seems rather removed from the affairs of the humans in this cave. That's partially upbringing and partially an attempt to respect the boundaries of others; he knows what a shitshow having one's emotions toyed with can be, painful enough without having someone else trying to dig into it.

When he comes upon someone he's only known as unmoving and strong and sees her curled up in the grass before what he's learned is a human burial marker, however, a sinking feeling settles deep in the alien's chest. This doesn't seem like the sort of thing that should go ignored, especially given that he had promised to try and help Rey wherever he could. It might be a disaster--he never claimed to be an expert in dealing with emotional affairs, being a creature who could also be rather unmoving at times-- but he owes it to the woman to make an effort here. Taking a quiet breath, the alien strides up behind Rey but stops a good few feet away, arms folded behind his back, his head lowered solemnly.

"Loss is never easy, and when it comes to the people we care for, we can never have enough time," Glacius murmurs. It's something he's become all too familiar with every since he learned of Carlisle's expected life span, and it seems like it's something Rey has become acquainted with as well. "I am sorry it had to be this way."

[circumitus]

Rey doesn't shift when Glacius speaks. She's sensed him approaching prior to that, heard his movements and felt his eyes on her. All she does is tighten her arms over her legs, her eyes narrowing at the headstone she's made.

"Me, too," she says quietly, tucking her chin behind her folded arm. "She was already gone. Been that way for a long time. It wasn't really her, but it was nice to pretend for a little while. We never really had that."

No, they never made it out of that underground facility together. Everything that they got to do in this underground place was entirely fantasy, with a husk that shared her mother's face and memories. And yet the experience meant something to Rey, because it was everything she could only imagine. They never got to eat together, go on walks, sleep beside one another, and... it was a good dream.

If nothing else, she can at least hold onto that.

[glacius]

A pause stretches between them, less because the alien doesn't know what to say and more because he doesn't want to interrupt whatever memories Rey is slipping in and out of. He does, eventually, speak up again, his voice still gentle.

"I probably would have done the same. I'm fairly certain of it--for outside of Carlisle the only people I could say I have cared so deeply for have been members of my own species, and if I had been faced with them again--even if it was just an apparition--I would have held to that. It has been so long... and... try as I might with all that I am to escape this place, I am... no longer sure whether or not I will see them again."

It's a heavy admittance, one that threatens to drag him down even just considering it. This isn't about his worries, though; he can face his own in seclusion, as he has done time and time again. He continues: "I would have wanted to have held to what time with them that I could have, even if it wasn't 'real'. I would have tried everything in my power to have protect them. I don't know how it would have ended, but I do know that if they were taken from me it would be a devastating blow all the same. They would not deserve any form of suffering, and I would have wished I could have changed things somehow."

Glacius sighs, his shoulders slumping. "People have probably told you that it's better that you lived, for you are real and your loved one, just another apparition of the gods. They are probably right. But I know that does not make this any easier. Time is always fleeting, however, and at least you were afforded more of it.. though perhaps that is a double-edged sword, as it can make the loss hurt anew."

[circumitus]

As Rey listens, her eyes drop to the grave where the dirt had been recently unearthed. Glacius mentions suffering and devastation, but were the mirror images of their pasts even capable of such things? Did they have thoughts and feelings, or were they just behaving in ways that they were designed to based on their mental perspectives?

Truth is, there's no telling the truth at all. Not here; not with this. She closes her eyes a moment to remember the features of what woman's face. The sound of her voice when she spoke and hummed. That familiar song burned into her own brain that can't be forgotten again.

Regardless of what they were, she can't stop thinking of what it must have been like. Right here, not too long ago, Nick had put down a woman who bore a very strong resemblance to Dr. Undine Stransky. Was she afraid? Even capable of fear? Or was it just a futile self-preservation instinct...?

No, that's not what Nick believed. He said that she loved Rey -- and so did he. What makes the love of a ghost any different from the love of a machine?

She brings her hand over her eye, wiping the mist from them as Glacius finishes.

"You'd be surprised... not many people have said anything like that. Think more are understanding than they give themselves credit for," Rey says shakily. "She was no less real than you or me. Just had a shorter life. Still, it was something."

[glacius]

Glacius frowns. He's unsure if that last part is true--from what he understands, the ghosts were made by the gods and bound to memories and experiences of their anchors and thus limited by them in a way that a truly living being would not be-- and Rey herself had said that it hadn't really been her loved one. He knows, however, that it would be out of place and utterly insensitive for him to voice those concerns now... and supposes it all comes down to semantics, in some way.

"Well, let's keep her around for a little while longer, then," he replies instead, voice soft. "Tell me about her. Unless--you'd rather not, unless you think it would make this more difficult. But... well. Something tells me you didn't come to this burial site to try and put her from your mind."

[circumitus]

Rey herself has no illusions about what the ghosts were. Just remnants of memories, or their perceptions of those people, or something in between. Rey cants her head, gaze fixed on the makeshift headstone she had put together for this little spot.

If people vanish when they die, and the doppelgängers did the same, then it's likely that Undine isn't really buried under this earth anymore. That she's gone all over again, for good this time.

"Nick buried her. She asked him to..." Rey admits, placing a hand over the dirt, and frowns. She can't finish that thought, though. Can't say that she wanted Nick to kill her in order to keep Rey alive. "It's not the first time she's died because of me. The first time... It was my fault then, too. Even though she tried telling me that it was okay, up to the end."

No matter how one would spin it, make Rey out to be the victim, she still can't help but think herself too weak to have stopped it from happening. In her eyes, carrying that blame is better than being another victim.

[glacius]

Glacius remains quiet for a moment, tilting his head. Though having a conversation from this distance is a little bit awkward, he doesn't want to encroach upon what he assumes is wanted space. Shifting his shoulders slightly, he attempts to figure out a response to this knowledge that is even remotely useful.

"... Well, I... don't know the circumstances of what happened back then, or much about your past at all. And that is fine--you owe me no explanation. I understand what it is like to have... times you would prefer to simply move on from," the ice alien ventures. "But I doubt that there was all there was to the matter. I doubt that the blame truly lies with you. You know, I..."

Glacius pauses and trails off, fighting back a wave of trepidation and pain that usually accompanies any consideration of the times in his past that he'd prefer to move on from. Maybe it would help Rey to hear it, though. He flicks a glance around to make sure they're alone, then speaks in a hushed voice with an uncertain fluttering of gills. "... I took a life once, too. I did not want to--it was against my will, as I am sure your act against this woman was, as well. Others have told me that I had no choice, that it was an act of self-defense, and thus I was not truly to blame, but..." The ice alien huffs out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "...When it was my hands that did it, it is... so hard to believe otherwise. And that was against someone I had no love for. Given the care you have shown here, I can only imagine how much more difficult it must be for you in this instance, but... you have to try. For her. Do you think she would want you to feel this way about yourself, or want only the best for you?"

[circumitus]

Killing supposedly changes you, or so they say. It's been a part of Rey's whole function that she can't imagine how she would have turned out if she hadn't killed. Would she be carrying the same guilt as Glacius? Sure, she's killed plenty, but not all of them were he same. Not all of them were Undine Stransky. They weren't all innocents themselves.

"Probably not," Rey admits, her mouth tightening into a thin line. "But she isn't really around anymore to tell me."

Not just her ghost, but the real Undine herself is long, long dead. Rey can't even be sure if the reflection of that woman she met here was remotely the same, or just her own idealized version of her.

Does it matter, in the end? Her shoulders tighten as her arms tense around her legs. "But no, what happened then wasn't so simple. It never is. Was weak. Easily controlled. Could easily rebel, too. Just didn't know how at the time. Not yet."

[wormintheglass]

Bianca hasn't left her house since she woke up alone. She should, she thinks, probably go and see Rey, should make an effort to live in the present rather than the past; but so far she's been putting it off.

She's healthy again; it's not because of the haunting that her eyes are red-rimmed, her face unmade-up, or that she looks hung over. That's all down to the tequila. She answers the door, blinking a little dazedly in the daylight, and smiles.

"Darling. Do come in. I'm afraid it's a bit of a mess."

sorry this took forever, sob.

[circumitus]

It isn't so much that Rey is not glad to see Bianca alive, but she doesn't appear happy, either. When the other woman smiles, Rey does not smile back. She's tired, and it has been days. She wants to have all of this just blow over; pretend like it's never happened.

But she can't.

Her stiff, rigid stature speaks volumes as she enters, but doesn't move to close the distance between her and Bianca. Her sullen features are etched into her expression.

"You look better," she simply states. Alive, in other words, from the last time Rey had seen Bianca. Which technically wasn't too long ago, and yet has been too long since.

[wormintheglass]

Bianca shrugs.

"I didn't die. I should have, but I didn't."

Her own smile fades as she eyes Rey, wondering what, precisely, is her problem, whether Bianca has contributed to it and what she intends to do about it. Finally, she decides that the easiest answer to all these questions is more tequila, finds the half-empty bottle and offers it to Rey.

"I can find glasses, if you like. How was it for you, dearheart?"

[circumitus]

That logic could be applied to a great many people. Far as Rey is concerned, she should have died in her mother's place a long time ago. Undine should never have suffered the short life that she had. A lot of things shouldn't have happened, really.

But they did. And now the ones still living are just going to have to figure out how to deal with that.

Rey shakes her head, waving off Bianca's offer. Alcohol is the last thing that's on her mind right now as her stomach turns.

"Who was that guy that was with you?" Rey blurts, opting to get right to the point than to dance around the subject, all coy-like. Because fuck that.

[wormintheglass]

She flinches, when Rey asks her question. She doesn't want to talk about Jack; except she can think about nothing else.

Bianca sinks, defeated, onto the couch, and takes a long drink from her bottle before she replies.

"That was Jack. Jack who risked himself to save me, knowing what kind of person I am. Who consented to love me, while hating everything I had ever done. Who had enough faith in me to allow me to have some in myself - enough to cut my ties with... with an evil to which I had willingly offered myself."

Her eyes close, hoping and failing to conceal the fresh tears wetting her long lashes.

"He wasn't real. No - he remains the most real thing I have ever encountered, but he was never really here, and yet he still contrived to die for me. I made him swear not to, and he still found a way."

[circumitus]

Something tells Rey that neither of them really want to have this conversation, but she can't pretend that nothing happened. It's just not in her own nature to...

She sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. The way Bianca talks about this Jack, the more obvious things become.

"So, you consented to love him back, even knowing he wasn't really real?"

Not that Rey is one to talk, having nearly made a similar sacrifice for Undine. But she's committed to the fact that this is different -- and it is.

[wormintheglass]

Bianca lifts her chin, and her eyes narrow.

"Don't you ever say he's not real. He is brave, and kind, and he was haunted by the fear of being unreal. And yes. I don't stop loving someone because they aren't present. Do you think I should? To look at people as though they were mayflies, or soap bubbles? As though they vanished into nothingness without my direct observation?"

[circumitus]

Her own stare turns piercing at Bianca's response. Part of her blames herself -- they've never had this talk before in all the time they've known each other. Why would they? It didn't need to be said.

Only now it needs to be said, and Rey doesn't know how. Not in a way that keeps her temper level.

"You can love someone all you want, whether they're there or not. What you do about it is another story. Such as acting on those feelings."

Maybe Rey should have been clearer. Maybe she should have understood sooner. Maybe she should get over it. But she can't. It nags at her.