hadriel_logs | Diplomacy

Entry tags:

Diplomacy

Who: Seel and Pell; Seel and Cal
What: The hara need to work their shit out, especially after that event.
Where: Seel's apartment; Spire 3, 1701.
When: July 27th
Warnings: Murder, death (will update as topics come up)

Seel paced around. He was nervous. Which was ridiculous. Part of him felt like he should be in the kitchen, fixing something for when Cal or Pell came over. He put a stop to that thought right away. He'd done enough cooking in the past few weeks, with Pell kicking him out, and then being brainwashed into a mindless housewife, for a lifetime. But they had to talk. And Seel wasn't crazy enough to have everyhar do it at the same time. So he reached out separately, to Cal to apologize for his outburst weeks before, and suggest they talk about....everything. Pell was different. They needed to talk, but that focus was less on the what had happened over the last week, than Seel's unfortunate outburst and the knowledge he had of Pell's future.

So, he waited, determined to remember who he was and act it. They were expecting Seel Griselming, and in some ways, he was still that har. His drunken ramblings had proven it. But they didn't know Seel har Parasiel, and that gave him an advantage. To show them how much he'd changed over thirty plus years.

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That was a call he was not expecting. And at first Cal wasn't even sure he was going to respond to it. Instead he wandered for a long time, smoking and thinking about whether he even cared enough after that awful drunken confession. And then all that shit with...whatever the damn gods had done to them. Was there even enough of a relationship left between the two of them to bother trying to salvage it? They'd both, if he were honest, tried hard to fuck each other up because they could. Because at some point in the future Cal had turned into a full on monster and everyhar else had to remind him of that in case he started to get a little too hopeful.

He debated just walking into the house but settled for knocking like a polite person, even if he smelled like smoke and didn't exactly look pleased. Fine. He'd see what Seel wanted and if it was a game, he knew damn well how to play too.

Seel hadn't lit a cigarette since they'd come back to reality. He knew he had to separate who he had been then from who he was now, and there was no better way than to just stop. Thiede would have been thrilled. Ag, he wanted a smoke. Instead, he sat quietly inside on the couch, wishing he had something to do with his fingers or mouth, something to sip out. Maybe he should have gotten a glass of water.

He practically jumped when the door sounded, but he did his best to compose himself and opened the door to the har who had been so instrumental in shaping his life.

"Cal. Come in."

Cal smelled like smoke. It smelled wonderful. Seel had to stop himself from inhaling. Instead he just looked at him and stepped aside, ushering him inside. It was weird, having lived two lives with this har. Apparently he couldn't keep away from Pell in either one.

Edited (quick addition) 2017-07-28 01:49 (UTC)

He only hesitated a moment before he stepped inside, suddenly feeling trapped with the door closed behind him. Maybe he was just feeling paranoid, maybe he was more of an animal than he wanted to believe and he was feeling caged and dangerous. He was having flashbacks, almost, of the last time a har had invited him over for a chat. The only difference being that he was owed an apology this time rather than owing one.

"I'm here. What do you want?" Not the best way to open this, but he did have a right to be upset. He folded his arms over his chest and glared, not sorry for his own rudeness. Seel had to be used to it by now.

Seel took a breath and centered himself. Dammit, he was going to do this right. He'd gone through so many different iterations of what he was going to say he couldn't remember which one he'd decided on. They all flowed together into a jumbling mess. He took in Cal, he was being very...Cal like. Upset and self centered, dangerous and beautiful.

"First I want to apologize for how I acted and what I said a few weeks ago over the network. It was unkind. I should have respected the fact that you did not want to know the future. At the very least you should not have found out that way. And please know that was not a.....complete picture. You did me and my son a great service and did not deserve to be treated like that. Nor did Pell."

Seel had to picture Swift's scowling face in order to get those words out. He knew how much Cal meant to him, and to Cobweb. They considered him family. He really needed to get over it.

"I also thought we should talk about....what happened."

That couldn't have come easy. And Cal knew damn well that Seel didn't "want" to apologize he just felt like he should. Guilty, maybe. But not about what he'd done, only that he'd lost enough of his control to do it. He didn't say anything for a moment, and when he finally did speak again it wasn't to accept the apology. Not yet, anyway.

"What do you want me to say about it, Seel? It was just another goddamn game. I can't figure whose, but you were warned." He should know by now. He'd been here long enough. Still, Cal had to bite his tongue to keep from continuing or else it would have ended in something horrible like don't tell me you actually thought you'd be competition when Pell is around and that would only make things worse. This was, supposedly, a meeting to discuss peace.

Then he did address Seel's apology, but he still didn't accept. He still had to decide whether it was enough.

"Fortunately, it seems most of the city seems to believe that you're the ass rather either of us, so I suppose I can't be too put out by that. But you overstepped. There are demons I have no desire to know--enough so that I may not go back. Maybe I will have to stare into their faces regardless, but it should have been on my terms--not yours."

Cal's words almost made Seel panic. The wildness most likely showed in his eyes, desperation and pleading. For all he didn't like the har, he needed Cal. The world needed Cal. His son needed Cal. Even though he hadn't decided if the shell Cal brought back was ever going to regain enough semblance of self to resemble his son, it was still Azriel. And he didn't want him to die or suffer. Cal was the best hope for that. For all his strength and trying, Seel hadn't been able to save him.

They might have to come back to talking about the gods game and what they went through, Seel wasn't hearing it. The only words he was stuck on were his last ones. Cal might not be coming back. The apology, his carefully constructed responses, all went out of his head.

"No. You have to. Oh, Ag, you have to." He turned and paced away from Cal, wringing his hands through his hair. What was he going to tell Swift? I got sucked into another world, fucked up and now Cal isn't coming back and Azriel and Aleeme are going to die. I couldn't save them and I screwed up their only chance of getting out.

Fuck. Fuck. Was he having a hard time breathing?

Shit. What was he supposed to do about that? He hadn't exactly expected a breakdown. Some terrible monstrous part of him was glad for it, seeing him hurting like that--like Seel had tried to do to him first--and that part sunk its claws in first before he could get some kind of leash on it. Uigenna. That was really all he knew how to be, wasn't it?

"Why? You and Flick both made it very clear that the world was better off without me. So I'll make the deal: Orien, for me. I'll disappear and he'll still be there, doing whatever it is he does that makes hara love him." Existing, not being a lunatic, indoctrinating Thiede's new minions, whatever. "I suppose it's rather an uneven trade since he's so very much greater than I am. I don't have to do anything, Seel. And I'm certain there's more than one har who would appreciate it if I didn't exist."

That certainly wouldn't help peace. But it was also something he needed to say. He couldn't say it made him feel any better, but it couldn't have been kept a secret forever.

"What is the big goddamn deal about me? Why do I have to go back to a place where I am wild and unhappy?"

This is a conversation a bit overdue but there's no helping that -- the latest event had robbed them of the ability to have it so Pell refuses to feel guilty. Still, he's put this off. Seel has kept to his word and moved out, hasn't had any more drunken antics that Pell knows of... he's been fending for himself, not bothering them. And that's enough. It's all he asked, so he can keep his end and come by to talk.

He knocks at the door of 1701, butterfly nerves fluttering in his stomach. He doesn't know if he wants the answers to the questions he has to ask.

Seel had been this cruel to Cal, worse even. Was this payback? Life had a funny way of turning on you, even if this punishment of Cal's hadn't come close yet. There was still time to leave him on the floor retching, Calanthe.

He grabbed for the cigarettes he had yet to throw away and lit one. He didn't enjoy it, he just sucked it down like it was his lifeline. It wasn't helping. "Don't make me choose between Orien and my son, Cal. I can't do it. You can't be that cruel."

He couldn't do this. He had wanted to talk about this calmly, rationally, every bit the Gelaming Thiede had groomed him to be. But Cal was so calmly discussing ruining his son's life. Not just his son, but Aleeme. Tyson would never be born. And Pell would still be miserable.

"You touch everything Cal. And I can't speak to your happiness or unhappiness. To be honest I never really thought about it. But I can tell you you're together with Pell. That has to count for something."

Seel wasn't going to beg. He was proud. But if he thought it would have made a difference he would have gone down on his knees and begged. Swift would have never forgiven him for not trying. Too many lives were at stake, not just their son's.

Cal sighed. He hadnt expected it would be easy to get answers, but in his panic Seel was still doing a marvelous job of stepping around the question, giving him vague hints of things that he couldn't decide about. A choice Seel shouldn't have to make. As if Cal didn't have to make choices too.

"And somehow through all of this you haven't answered my question. If you hate me so much, why do you care about me? Because I touched you? Because I ruined you in that Uigenna pit? Do you think I want Orien's blood on me? I haven't even touched him and his damn ghost still haunts me. Every day, every step, every fucking breath he's there and I can't do anything to stop it." Some damn future he didn't want anything to do with anymore. Something that hadn't happened that still hung over his head. Because some things tainted a soul that much.

"Why do I fucking matter so much?" That was a question he didn't really expect Seel to have an answer to--it was one he'd been asking for so long that he wasn't even sure there was an answer for it. Maybe it was a question everyhar asked themselves, only most of them didn't matter. Why was he the one everyhar remembered? Wanted, hated, loved, despised. Why the fuck did he matter when there were so many better others?

Seel was panicking. He wasn't that nervous about meeting Pell. Pell he knew what to expect, normally. The way he was now, this earlier version of Pell, didn't have the worldly experience and know how to be devious. The older Pellaz Seel was used to? He always knew what to expect, it just depended on if you got Pellaz, or the Tigron of Immanion.

Now he might not get either. If Cal was considering not going back, Pell had to be as well. They weren't not going to not be together, not if Cal had anything to say about it. He'd murdered and killed and would do anything to keep the two of them together. Sacrifice the world. Which he was about to do. Seel couldn't reason with Cal. He knew that. Cal was a tornado. Indiscriminate pain. Pell he could reason with.

"Come in."

Seel didn't get up. He was glued to a chair, evidence piled high with spent cigarette butts. It wasn't helping. He looked like he was on the verge of losing it. This was not how he wanted his meeting with Pell to go. At all.

"Because you change things Cal. For better or worse, you change things that matter. And at the moment I'm from? Despite everything you've done and who you've killed, you matter. You're a pivotal piece and without you, there would be a lot of death."

He knew now Cal didn't want to know. So he didn't elaborate. Azriel, Cobweb, his son Tyson. Most of Galhea and Forever most likely. Pell, if there would be a Pell left. Would Immanion fall too? How much did Cal hold in the balance?

"Or do you mean why do you matter to me? I don't know. It's not rational. You just do. I know you weren't well most of your life. I know that. You never asked for anything that happens to you. You're just ....magnetic. You attract trouble, hara, whatever. " He wasn't being the most eloquent he'd ever been in his life. Stress would do that to a har. He inhaled the smoke. Seel really had meant to quit again. Why did you do this to him, Cal?

"You have to go back. You have to save my son, Cal." He wasn't even sure the shell back home was Azriel, but here he was, pleading with him to save him anyway. And then he realized he'd made the decision after all. Orien's death for Azriel. As much as he hated Cal for it, Orien's death had set things in motion. Without it, Seel might not have been convinced to leave Saltrock, meet Swift. He might still be there.

Shit.

Edited 2017-08-01 20:46 (UTC)

"Because I change things." That was a shitty answer, but really what was he expecting? Seel was having a meltdown, did he actually think he'd get something worthwhile out of it? He killed people but stopped other deaths? What "pivotal" role could he possibly play? Did he even want the answer to that question? It seemed like instead of answers, all this conversation with Seel was giving him was more questions.

But that was the first concrete thing Seel had said to him--he saved Seel's son. From what? Something Seel couldn't have done himself? something only Cal could do. That made him stop and think for a moment. He certainly didn't feel that special.

And no he damn well did not ask for the things that happened to him. He'd have to remember that Seel admitted that the next time he blamed Cal for the events of his life, screamed that he ruined everyone's because he existed. Because every damn thing could be traced back to a fucking cellar where they'd almost died. As if he could have been expected to know that beforehand.

He closed his eyes for a moment so he wouldn't have to look at Seel for a moment while he tried to make a decision. Even after a few moments to consider it, though, he was surprised to hear himself speaking.

"Tell me. Everything."

Seel held the cigarette in one hand, putting a hand over his face with the other. Was it that easy? Could he just tell him everything? Let go of Orien's death in favor of Azriel? Of what they'd both suffered in that damn cellar? All of it was Cal's fault. But only by circumstance. Orien's death, he did, but Seel knew how unwell he'd been at that time. Everyone else had forgiven him, how could he be the last hold out?

Somehow, Seel started the story. He told Cal what he knew, starting from where Cal left off, the last thing he'd experienced. He told him how Flick had found him half dead on that horse, moving from scene to scene, hoping he wasn't leaving anything out. Seel weaved in pieces of his own life, how Thiede had recruited him after Orien's death, putting all the pieces into play. He skirted around their little conversation, before Seel delivered him into Thiede's hands.

He told him about Gebaddon and Ponclast, how Cobweb had raised Tyson, and nature was stronger than nurture apparently. He told him what he'd heard about Cal, how he'd stopped Ponclast, about Moon and Tyson. Seel told him what he'd heard of Pell, how Cal had done something, no one could do, not even the Kakkahaar, when something had gone wrong during that Grissecon. He stopped the story at their last meeting. Swift hugging and thanking Cal as family, for saving Azriel and Aleeme, while Seel tried not to glare in the background.

He told him, because in those three words 'Tell me. Everything'. Seel had definitely seen the Tigron he'd become.

"Well? What do you think? Is it as bad as you thought?"

That was a damn convoluted story. He was silent through all of it, without interrupting once. It sounded unbelievable. He wanted desperately to believe it--or most of it--but it sounded like some goddamn fantasy that he might have dreamed up when he was laying alone and cold on the ground, trying to pretend he hadn't seen what he had.

Fuck. He'd asked for this. This time it truly was his own fault. He couldn't blame anyone but himself for this. He couldn't decide whether it was better now that he knew--or even whether it hurt or was more comforting. Sure he'd found Pell again (after decades, apparently) but...

He sighed once again and finally sat down, dropping into a chair without any grace or sense of propriety and buried his face in his hands for a moment to breathe.

"I don't know. In ways it's better. In others it's worse." Like most things, really. That didn't say much. But that was sort of the point, too. He didn't want to give too much away yet, particularly when he hadn't figured out how he was supposed to feel about it.

Silently, Seel watched Cal's face. He knew that face, watched it grow throughout the years from boy to teen to har to Tigron. He reached into his pocket and offered his friend(was that what they even were?) a cigarette. Or three. It was a story, outloud it sounded even worse. The puppet strings, how carefully thought out Thiede had laid his plans. Forgetting the one piece that could have completed his plans or brought everything tumbling down. Cal. He'd thought of everything else. Almost everything else. Ponclast. Thiede hadn't figured that his death, ascension, they'd argue semantics later, would weaken his prison enough for him to get out. He hadn't counted on himself ever not being there.

"I know. It's not everything you hoped for, but it's more than you thought. Nothing is ever perfect." He looked at the cigarette he'd been smoking, watching it burn. "I honestly don't know if there's anything left of Azriel, Cal. But I can't just let him die in there."

"And it's my job to pull him out." Fuck. He didn't even know what he wanted from his life but he still wasn't sure it was that. Maybe if he lived it he'd feel differently. Right now he didn't want the responsibility. If the whole damn world depended on him it could hang. It certainly hadn't even tried to be kind to him, why should he care? Maybe he grew up a little more between now and then, but he was happy here, with Pell who he hadn't needed to fight and bleed and scream to keep. What did he owe anyhar?

He looked up to see Seel offering cigarettes and he took one and lit it without thinking about it. It probably wouldn't help, but he could at least pretend it made him feel better.

"It doesn't even try to be perfect, Seel. Do you think I don't know that?" They tried so hard to be perfect but they never could be. They weren't any better than humanity. "Do I really have to be your only option? Surely there are other hara Thiede likes better than me."

"Don't you think he would have picked anyone else other than you if there were? You two don't exactly have the best of history. " Seel was trying so hard to be rational, to hope that now that Cal had heard the entire thing, that maybe he'd understand why he had to go back. But that was the new Cal he was thinking of. The rational, sane Cal who understood duty. Now the half crazy one who was still concerned that Pell wasn't Pell and wanted the world to burn around him. He wasn't sure he wanted to go home and see what the world had become without Cal.

"Can't you be selfless for once in your damned life? You may want the world to suffer for what happened to you, maybe you just don't care. But I have a child that may spent the rest of his life catatonic and you are the only reason I even have a hope that he might get better. I don't even know what I'm supposed to tell Flick. Or what Swift will tell him. Probably better if it doesn't come from me. "

He took a drag. It wasn't helping his hysteria. "I know I don't deserve to ask you this favor, but I'm asking anyway."

Of course Seel was right about that. Thiede would have chosen anyhar else if he could have. That wasn't exactly comforting, even if he felt a little bit vindicated that he'd come out on top of him. For all the scheming and the plotting and the lording his superiority over everyhar else, Cal had won. If that could even be called winning. He still wasn't sure yet.

He paused to inhale more smoke and blow it toward the ceiling. Then again. What was he supposed to say? He didn't have much of a life but what he did have left he was supposed to give up to be some champion? He could see the appeal, in a way. He was more than nothing. That had to be nicer than what he was used to.

"I'll think about it. It isn't only my decision."

Cal was much more relaxed about this entire thing than Seel was. Cal was blowing smoke toward the ceiling, and Seel was practically hunched over his cigarette, sucking it down like it was oxygen. But Cal didn't have as much at stake here. He could decide to go come back, with Pell most likely, or not. He hadn't lived through it, didn't feel the weight of Swift and Forever and his son, both their sons, futures resting on what Cal decided.

How could one har have so much power? And Cal never asked for it. Never wanted it, but he had it, even before he was Tigron and it wasn't fair. At all.

"Thank you." It was all he could do. Throwing a fit and strangling him would solve anything. It wouldn't solidify his case, it would only piss Cal off.

Relaxed. Ha. As if Cal weren't trying desperately not to explode out the door without so much as a goddamn glance behind him. He didn't want to even think about the responsibility that he was supposed to receive. He knew he'd have to. He had asked the damn question when he shouldn't have. hoping that it would give him some idea of what to expect--what to avoid. Now he wasn't even certain if he could.

It wasn't fair. Cal certainly agreed with that. Although probably for much different reasons.

"I'm not making any promises."

Well Cal was excellent at the masks he wore. Maybe it was what helped him survive all those years, the ability to mask what he was thinking, play the game. Or maybe Seel was too wrapped up in his own problems that he couldn't see what was going on with Cal. All his hope was riding on this har, and he wouldn't give him a straight answer. Seel knew he couldn't, not yet. He had to talk it over with Pell, think about it. It was a big decision. But it still made him want to strangle the har until he agreed.

"I know." It was breaking his heart. "You never do."

His eyes narrowed, but he didn't look at Seel. He couldn't decide what he was supposed to think about that. He still wasn't even sure if he forgave Seel for the drunken confessions and now he'd gotten himself tangled up in the future, too. Nothing about it made any sense and as much as he was grateful for the place and its second chances, there were parts that he hated too. Like any other place, really.

"No I guess I don't. What can I say? I like being spontaneous."

Despite everything that was hanging in the balance and everything he was feeling, Seel had to smile at that. For Cal, it was an incredibly attractive quality. He almost hated it. "Yes, you do."

He sighed, inhaling the disintegrating cigarette before he wasted it. " So, where do we stand Cal? Are you going to throw away years of history on a drunken rambling?" Wow Seel was such a hypocrite. He'd done the exact same thing. Thrown away years of history. Then again, Seel felt justified. He always did. The difference between them was that Cal felt with his heart and emotions. Seel tried to be Gelaming.

Cal didn't continue to comment on that. What else was he supposed to say? He knew exactly what he was like and Seel did too. There wasn't anything else that either of them could say to elaborate, really.

"Those are years that I don't have, Seel. What's history for you is hypothetical for me." More than that. He knew it was going to happen if he went back. "But as I said, it isn't only my decision. I won't say one way or the other what I'm throwing away or ruining of what-the-fuck-ever your complaint is this time without talking to Pell first." Nice try, Seel. He knew better than to make promises before he was ready to with you.

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