Diplomacy

[dreamsallotted]

Who: Seel and Pell; Seel and Cal
What: The hara need to work their shit out, especially after that event.
Where: Seel's apartment; Spire 3, 1701.
When: July 27th
Warnings: Murder, death (will update as topics come up)

Seel paced around. He was nervous. Which was ridiculous. Part of him felt like he should be in the kitchen, fixing something for when Cal or Pell came over. He put a stop to that thought right away.  He'd done enough cooking in the past few weeks, with Pell kicking him out, and then being brainwashed into a mindless housewife, for a lifetime. But they had to talk. And Seel wasn't crazy enough to have everyhar do it at the same time. So he reached out separately, to Cal to apologize for his outburst weeks before, and suggest they talk about....everything. Pell was different. They needed to talk, but that focus was less on the what had happened over the last week, than Seel's unfortunate outburst and the knowledge he had of Pell's future.

So, he waited, determined to remember who he was and act it. They were expecting Seel Griselming, and in some ways, he was still that har. His drunken ramblings had proven it. But they didn't know Seel har Parasiel, and that gave him an advantage. To show them how much he'd changed over thirty plus years.

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[pyralisit]

That was a call he was not expecting. And at first Cal wasn't even sure he was going to respond to it. Instead he wandered for a long time, smoking and thinking about whether he even cared enough after that awful drunken confession. And then all that shit with...whatever the damn gods had done to them. Was there even enough of a relationship left between the two of them to bother trying to salvage it? They'd both, if he were honest, tried hard to fuck each other up because they could. Because at some point in the future Cal had turned into a full on monster and everyhar else had to remind him of that in case he started to get a little too hopeful.

He debated just walking into the house but settled for knocking like a polite person, even if he smelled like smoke and didn't exactly look pleased. Fine. He'd see what Seel wanted and if it was a game, he knew damn well how to play too.

[dreamsallotted]

Seel hadn't lit a cigarette since they'd come back to reality. He knew he had to separate who he had been then from who he was now, and there was no better way than to just stop. Thiede would have been thrilled. Ag, he wanted a smoke. Instead, he sat quietly inside on the couch, wishing he had something to do with his fingers or mouth, something to sip out. Maybe he should have gotten a glass of water.

He practically jumped when the door sounded, but he did his best to compose himself and opened the door to the har who had been so instrumental in shaping his life.

"Cal. Come in."

Cal smelled like smoke. It smelled wonderful. Seel had to stop himself from inhaling. Instead he just looked at him and stepped aside, ushering him inside. It was weird, having lived two lives with this har. Apparently he couldn't keep away from Pell in either one.

[pyralisit]

He only hesitated a moment before he stepped inside, suddenly feeling trapped with the door closed behind him. Maybe he was just feeling paranoid, maybe he was more of an animal than he wanted to believe and he was feeling caged and dangerous. He was having flashbacks, almost, of the last time a har had invited him over for a chat. The only difference being that he was owed an apology this time rather than owing one.

"I'm here. What do you want?" Not the best way to open this, but he did have a right to be upset. He folded his arms over his chest and glared, not sorry for his own rudeness. Seel had to be used to it by now.

[dreamsallotted]

Seel took a breath and centered himself. Dammit, he was going to do this right. He'd gone through so many different iterations of what he was going to say he couldn't remember which one he'd decided on. They all flowed together into a jumbling mess. He took in Cal, he was being very...Cal like. Upset and self centered, dangerous and beautiful.

"First I want to apologize for how I acted and what I said a few weeks ago over the network. It was unkind. I should have respected the fact that you did not want to know the future. At the very least you should not have found out that way. And please know that was not a.....complete picture. You did me and my son a great service and did not deserve to be treated like that. Nor did Pell."

Seel had to picture Swift's scowling face in order to get those words out. He knew how much Cal meant to him, and to Cobweb. They considered him family. He really needed to get over it.

"I also thought we should talk about....what happened."

[pyralisit]

That couldn't have come easy. And Cal knew damn well that Seel didn't "want" to apologize he just felt like he should. Guilty, maybe. But not about what he'd done, only that he'd lost enough of his control to do it. He didn't say anything for a moment, and when he finally did speak again it wasn't to accept the apology. Not yet, anyway.

"What do you want me to say about it, Seel? It was just another goddamn game. I can't figure whose, but you were warned." He should know by now. He'd been here long enough. Still, Cal had to bite his tongue to keep from continuing or else it would have ended in something horrible like don't tell me you actually thought you'd be competition when Pell is around and that would only make things worse. This was, supposedly, a meeting to discuss peace.

Then he did address Seel's apology, but he still didn't accept. He still had to decide whether it was enough.

"Fortunately, it seems most of the city seems to believe that you're the ass rather either of us, so I suppose I can't be too put out by that. But you overstepped. There are demons I have no desire to know--enough so that I may not go back. Maybe I will have to stare into their faces regardless, but it should have been on my terms--not yours."

[dreamsallotted]

Cal's words almost made Seel panic. The wildness most likely showed in his eyes, desperation and pleading. For all he didn't like the har, he needed Cal. The world needed Cal. His son needed Cal. Even though he hadn't decided if the shell Cal brought back was ever going to regain enough semblance of self to resemble his son, it was still Azriel. And he didn't want him to die or suffer. Cal was the best hope for that. For all his strength and trying, Seel hadn't been able to save him.

They might have to come back to talking about the gods game and what they went through, Seel wasn't hearing it. The only words he was stuck on were his last ones. Cal might not be coming back. The apology, his carefully constructed responses, all went out of his head.

"No. You have to. Oh, Ag, you have to." He turned and paced away from Cal, wringing his hands through his hair. What was he going to tell Swift? I got sucked into another world, fucked up and now Cal isn't coming back and Azriel and Aleeme are going to die. I couldn't save them and I screwed up their only chance of getting out.

Fuck. Fuck. Was he having a hard time breathing?

[pyralisit]

Shit. What was he supposed to do about that? He hadn't exactly expected a breakdown. Some terrible monstrous part of him was glad for it, seeing him hurting like that--like Seel had tried to do to him first--and that part sunk its claws in first before he could get some kind of leash on it. Uigenna. That was really all he knew how to be, wasn't it?

"Why? You and Flick both made it very clear that the world was better off without me. So I'll make the deal: Orien, for me. I'll disappear and he'll still be there, doing whatever it is he does that makes hara love him." Existing, not being a lunatic, indoctrinating Thiede's new minions, whatever. "I suppose it's rather an uneven trade since he's so very much greater than I am. I don't have to do anything, Seel. And I'm certain there's more than one har who would appreciate it if I didn't exist."

That certainly wouldn't help peace. But it was also something he needed to say. He couldn't say it made him feel any better, but it couldn't have been kept a secret forever.

"What is the big goddamn deal about me? Why do I have to go back to a place where I am wild and unhappy?"

[dreamsallotted]

Seel had been this cruel to Cal, worse even. Was this payback? Life had a funny way of turning on you, even if this punishment of Cal's hadn't come close yet. There was still time to leave him on the floor retching, Calanthe.

He grabbed for the cigarettes he had yet to throw away and lit one. He didn't enjoy it, he just sucked it down like it was his lifeline. It wasn't helping. "Don't make me choose between Orien and my son, Cal. I can't do it. You can't be that cruel."

He couldn't do this. He had wanted to talk about this calmly, rationally, every bit the Gelaming Thiede had groomed him to be. But Cal was so calmly discussing ruining his son's life. Not just his son, but Aleeme. Tyson would never be born. And Pell would still be miserable.

"You touch everything Cal. And I can't speak to your happiness or unhappiness. To be honest I never really thought about it. But I can tell you you're together with Pell. That has to count for something."

Seel wasn't going to beg. He was proud. But if he thought it would have made a difference he would have gone down on his knees and begged. Swift would have never forgiven him for not trying. Too many lives were at stake, not just their son's.

[pyralisit]

Cal sighed. He hadnt expected it would be easy to get answers, but in his panic Seel was still doing a marvelous job of stepping around the question, giving him vague hints of things that he couldn't decide about. A choice Seel shouldn't have to make. As if Cal didn't have to make choices too.

"And somehow through all of this you haven't answered my question. If you hate me so much, why do you care about me? Because I touched you? Because I ruined you in that Uigenna pit? Do you think I want Orien's blood on me? I haven't even touched him and his damn ghost still haunts me. Every day, every step, every fucking breath he's there and I can't do anything to stop it." Some damn future he didn't want anything to do with anymore. Something that hadn't happened that still hung over his head. Because some things tainted a soul that much.

"Why do I fucking matter so much?" That was a question he didn't really expect Seel to have an answer to--it was one he'd been asking for so long that he wasn't even sure there was an answer for it. Maybe it was a question everyhar asked themselves, only most of them didn't matter. Why was he the one everyhar remembered? Wanted, hated, loved, despised. Why the fuck did he matter when there were so many better others?

[pellameno]

This is a conversation a bit overdue but there's no helping that -- the latest event had robbed them of the ability to have it so Pell refuses to feel guilty. Still, he's put this off. Seel has kept to his word and moved out, hasn't had any more drunken antics that Pell knows of... he's been fending for himself, not bothering them. And that's enough. It's all he asked, so he can keep his end and come by to talk.

He knocks at the door of 1701, butterfly nerves fluttering in his stomach. He doesn't know if he wants the answers to the questions he has to ask.

[dreamsallotted]

Seel was panicking. He wasn't that nervous about meeting Pell. Pell he knew what to expect, normally. The way he was now, this earlier version of Pell, didn't have the worldly experience and know how to be devious. The older Pellaz Seel was used to? He always knew what to expect, it just depended on if you got Pellaz, or the Tigron of Immanion.

Now he might not get either. If Cal was considering not going back, Pell had to be as well. They weren't not going to not be together, not if Cal had anything to say about it. He'd murdered and killed and would do anything to keep the two of them together. Sacrifice the world. Which he was about to do. Seel couldn't reason with Cal. He knew that. Cal was a tornado. Indiscriminate pain. Pell he could reason with.

"Come in."

Seel didn't get up. He was glued to a chair, evidence piled high with spent cigarette butts. It wasn't helping. He looked like he was on the verge of losing it. This was not how he wanted his meeting with Pell to go. At all.

[pellameno]

Well this isn't... quite what he expected. He thought Seel would be more put together, more poised. Like he was when he first apologized. This, the other har sitting crumpled in on himself in a room reeking of cigarette smoke, radiating stress and misery? Didn't seem like what he'd come to expect of Seel.

But at least he wasn't drunk. Pell thought, anyway.

He slips inside and closes the door behind him, moving in and taking a seat on the little couch beside Seel's chair. As close as he can get, as if the proximity will help him get a better read on Seel.

"You're a mess," he says bluntly after a moment, pulling his braid over his shoulder and fiddling with the end of it. "I hope that's not on my account, I'm not here to scold you any more."

[dreamsallotted]

Seel took a deep breath, trying not to take out all his frustration and misery on Pell. Still, seeing him made his heart ache. He was everything he wanted back home, and there was every possibility he wasn't going to get it. His life was going to be ruined. He watched Pell, beautiful, wonderful Pell and wasn't sure if he wanted to scream or sob.

"What do you intend to do?" He was absolutely miserable, caught up in his own drama and thoughts and what if's. What if Pell and Cal stayed, what if they never went back? What kind of future would he go back too? What about his son Azriel and Aleeme? What about Ponclast? Without Pell, he would win. They'd all die. Or worse. Seel thought he'd rather die.

[pellameno]

"Intend to do..?" Pell tilts his head, not understanding the question. "I thought I was here to talk about the future." Seeing Seel so miserable over that didn't do anything for his worries that there was something terrible in store for him.

"You've apologized for how you said what you did, but I'm not sure how to take the fact that it happens. I think.. I need to know. What of this consort you mentioned, and Cal's time without me?"

[dreamsallotted]

Seel decided he just had to say it. He always owed Pell the truth, and now was no different. Pell, beautiful, loyal, caring Pell. "You are. I'm sorry. I'm distracted by my own problems. Cal told me you two might not be going back home."

He took a breath. He knew this was coming. Pell needed to know. That was why he had asked him there, admittedly Seel had hoped to be in a completely different mood when this meeting took place.

"Caeru is...." Seel paused, trying to come up with the words. " I don't know him well.The entire palace is a playing field between you two. Until Cal came. Funny, that Cal is the healing balm. I could show you? Everything. If you'll let me keep one moment to myself. I'll show you the rest."

[pellameno]

"...we haven't decided that yet." Because Pell isn't one for lying. They have discussed staying, and certainly want to for the time being. It's not that they like Hadriel, not that it's pleasant or safe in any way, but it seems so much better than the future in store.

"We don't want to be separated, and know that it's going to happen. That terrible things are going to happen, Flick shared as much. You can't blame us for wanting to put that off as long as possible. Forever, if we can." He hesitates, then nods once, decisively. "I'd like to see. But how much do you know of the time we're apart?"

[dreamsallotted]

Truth. At least he could always count on Pell for truth. Delicious honestly. He always tried to do the right thing. At the moment Seel just hoped that Pell's inclination to stay with Cal wasn't superseded by his inclination to do the right thing.

"I can understand that. I don't know much about what happened to Cal. Although, I know some." Because he put him there. "I know a lot about you though. I worked with you for years, and then when I moved to Forever, I kept working with you. Just on a more long distance basis. Terrible things are going to happen Pell. But I'm afraid more terrible things will happen without the two of you."

for Cal;

[pellameno]

Pell returns from Seel's with a lot to consider... he feels tired, emotionally wrung out from what he's seen and the choice he has to make now. But at least he doesn't have to make it alone. He slips inside and closes the door behind him, reaching out with his mind for his chesna. Hopefully Cal is home.

He doesn't want to go back to their world. He doesn't want to live through the messy parts of what's going to happen, or condemn Cal to them, but they need to at least talk about it. And maybe figure out what they're dooming everyone else in their world to if they don't return. Flick and Ulaume, Mima. Seel and Swift. People that they actually know, that they care for.

Pell climbs the stairs quietly, sensing Cal's presence in their room.

Re: for Cal;

[pyralisit]

Cal has been chain smoking for a while--he's going to run them out of cigarettes soon, probably. Dealing with Seel, though, that sort of warrants it. Although he's certain that Seel would say the same thing about him. They do that to each other. Like a contest of who could be more frustrating.

He glances over when Pell enters the room though, and holds out a hand to him without even asking. They've both got things to talk about, no doubt. Seel is a new disruption in their life that they don't have a plan for. And it isn't even that so much as the future that he brings with him.

"I imagine you have a few thins to begin with."

[pellameno]

Pell goes to Cal easily, taking his hand and climbing onto the bed to snuggle against his side. The smoke doesn't bother him -- in fact, he claims the cigarette currently in Cal's hand and takes a hit off it before passing it back and settling his head on Cal's shoulder.

"Should we ease into this?" There's two main topics and neither are easier but one is smaller than the other. "I saw the results of your "talk" with Seel..."

[pyralisit]

"Did you? Which ones were those?" There are a few things it could be, but he slides an arm around Pell regardless and lets him take the cigarette. It's something to do, even if it isn't exactly calming right now.

"I don't know what to make of any of this."

[pellameno]

"He was pretty torn up. Is that something you need..? You certainly don't get it from me."

Cal's never been rough with him in that way, and he knows he wouldn't like it, but... it's a part of his lover. Maybe one that needs to come out more often.

[pyralisit]

"No. Not from you. You're far too lovely for that." That was something he's never even considered doing to Pell, even if he did need it. "He deserved it after what he did. I was angry and making point, I suppose."

[pellameno]

"He seemed to enjoy it, in a way. You both have it in you. I don't." He's not sure what he's getting at... the room goes quiet for a moment as he gathers his thoughts. "I guess I just want to know if you're happy with what we have. Since it might wind up being just us at some point."

If they don't go home... which is the next topic.

[pyralisit]

"It's something wild. I imagine he didn't enjoy it quite so much as he made it seem." He'd never really liked that sort of thing. He was probably afraid it would happen again and next time there would be even less control.

"If I'm left with only you? What a wonderful thought."