[Noah is not as surprised by Gansey's touch this time. He lets himself be pulled into the embrace, lets himself rest his weight against Gansey's solid form. Their rock, their immovable fixed northern star that they all follow, all place their trust in.
How that faith must weigh on him. Noah used to know, he still does to a certain extent, but he is acutely aware of knowledge he used to have that is now gone of things that have not yet happened (they have always happened and will continue to happen). Leading them, being there for all of them and holding their faith the way Gansey does - it's not something Noah could do, not ever, not in any lifetime. He lets out a sort of stuttering sigh, resting his head against Gansey's shoulder, bringing an arm around him to hang loosely onto the back of Gansey's shirt again.
A lighthouse, a northern star, a lifeline to hold onto.
Somtimes there aren't any words, there's just the quiet knowledge of companionship, a support between one person and another. He didn't mean to turn the conversation this way. Gansey already has so much to deal with to acclimate himself again to this place with no memory of being here before, but god - Noah and Ronan couldn't keep it together, Adam was barely holding on with no help from them at all. Every time Noah thinks about Gansey gone, the relief rushes back in like the tide that he's back.
Noah's voice is quiet when he speaks, audible only because of his close proximity to Gansey in the first place.]
I am happy, sometimes.
[Not always. Sometimes. But sometimes is more than a lot of people get. People who never died at all.]
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How that faith must weigh on him. Noah used to know, he still does to a certain extent, but he is acutely aware of knowledge he used to have that is now gone of things that have not yet happened (they have always happened and will continue to happen). Leading them, being there for all of them and holding their faith the way Gansey does - it's not something Noah could do, not ever, not in any lifetime. He lets out a sort of stuttering sigh, resting his head against Gansey's shoulder, bringing an arm around him to hang loosely onto the back of Gansey's shirt again.
A lighthouse, a northern star, a lifeline to hold onto.
Somtimes there aren't any words, there's just the quiet knowledge of companionship, a support between one person and another. He didn't mean to turn the conversation this way. Gansey already has so much to deal with to acclimate himself again to this place with no memory of being here before, but god - Noah and Ronan couldn't keep it together, Adam was barely holding on with no help from them at all. Every time Noah thinks about Gansey gone, the relief rushes back in like the tide that he's back.
Noah's voice is quiet when he speaks, audible only because of his close proximity to Gansey in the first place.]
I am happy, sometimes.
[Not always. Sometimes. But sometimes is more than a lot of people get. People who never died at all.]
It isn't your fault, what happened to me.