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[ Dead. You were dead.

Adam can’t bring himself to say it but Gansey knows that’s what he means. And it’s true; he really had been dead. Oblivion had caught up to him, and then impossibly, it had been gone. And he had been everywhere, every part of himself, everything he ever was and ever will be, all at once, because time is a circle that Cabeswater lives outside, and the remnant of that is living inside Gansey.

He can’t properly get his head around it. ]

I know. I know, but I think…

[ No. He doesn’t think. He knows. He came back understanding so much more about himself. He knows what Cabeswater had done, and why. He takes a breath to try and steady his pulse, which is rapid. ]

I think you saved me. All of you. I was awake at home before I was here, Adam, I heard Blue’s voice. She was touching my face and telling me to wake up, and I heard her.

It brought me back.

[ Cabeswater. Cabeswater brought him back. His voice is filled with all the wonder he can’t express. He had not expected to see past that moment. ]

[They did something. They did something to bring him back, and Adam thinks he has some idea of what it might have been, because he'd had the barest inkling of a thought in that direction before he found himself here, unable to do anything. But it hadn't been a plan, it hadn't been anything but a maybe. But maybe it worked, maybe Gansey is alive because of that.

It doesn't seem like he's alive because of the Door, at least. Not if he woke up at home. And, god - that changes everything. The possibility that Gansey could live at home, when the last thing Adam remembers seeing is his lifeless body, is incredible.

He feels like he can breathe easier, knowing that. Adam is still skeptical, of course, still not the sort of person to believe it until he sees it, but Gansey seems certain, and that goes a very long way.]

You came back. Thank god.

[Adam reaches out again, just to clasp Gansey's forearm gently, feeling that he's real.]

I know you chose it, and what you did saved us - saved Ronan - but I never want to see that again.

[ Gansey lets out a long breath that he hadn't even been aware of holding. Ronan is all right, but his survival is news to Adam. Gansey isn't certain why, but he's sure of this all the same. He had felt Cabeswater inside him, remaking him. He had felt the moment when oblivion stopped being oblivion and became -

Something more. He had become something more.

Christ, he still can't get his head around it. With that thought in mind, Adam's hand on his forearm certainly helps. He puts his own over it and squeezes, as though reaffirming to himself that he's really here.

All those months of fearing what the future might hold, fearing his own death, and Gansey had actually faced it. Not only that, but he'd come through the other side of it. He feels changed in more ways than one.

He doesn't have to be afraid anymore. ]

I know. I'm sorry. If there had been another way, you know I would've done it. I never wanted to die. I still don't.

[ But he'd been willing to, and that makes a difference. ]

You don't remember me waking up?

[Gansey does seem - not different, exactly. Adam wouldn't say different. He is still the same Gansey, still the first real friend that Adam ever made, still the person who's such a vital part of Adam's life. But something about him feels unlike before, or maybe exactly like before. Maybe Gansey has always been this. Adam can't put his finger on it, not quite, but there's something about the way Cabeswater unfurls in the back of his mind that echoes in a different way.

That sounds a little crazy even to him, so he doesn't say anything about it. It's enough that Gansey is here and alive, that they found a way to bring him back or to keep him with them.]

No. The last thing I remember, you were still - dead.

[The word feels strange on his tongue, dull and heavy and very final. But it isn't, not really, not with Gansey standing before him right now.

Adam doesn't have words to express the relief he feels.]

But we found a way, that's what matters. And now we're all here again.

[The jury's still out on how Adam feels about that development. He has good memories here, but awful ones, too. Gansey is alive and Ronan is here, and that means the others probably are too. And now he knows it is possible to go home, even if they have no control over it.]

[ A brief, wild smile flickers across Gansey's face. He still can't fully appreciate the fact that this is all over, that everything he's feared for so long is over and done with. It's too soon for him to take that properly in, but that doesn't stop his mind from trying to acclimatize to it.

And then...

Like Adam said, there's the fact that they're back here. Most of them, anyway. ]

Blue?

[ Maybe Adam has already seen her. Gansey hasn't yet, but the memory of her hand on his cheek is like a brand. He knows she'd been there when he was woken up, and the last thing he wants is to be away from her now. The last thing he'd done was ask her to kill him. He has to make that right. ]

And Henry? Jesus, tell me we didn't just leave them there. That's a hell of a moment to come back.

[ Pause. ]

Or moments, I suppose. If you don't remember saving me.

[He shakes his head.]

I haven't seen either of them yet, just Ronan. But I just got here, and Blue was here before.

[He doesn't know about Henry. He's not sure about Henry in general, about his sudden friendship with Gansey or his appearing in their inner circle out of nowhere. Adam is wary of people, and so he is wary of Henry, but Gansey trusts him. That counts for a lot, in the world of Adam Parrish, even if he still needs to make up his mind on Henry Cheng.

If Henry's here, that'll become a more pressing issue. If he's not, it's one Adam will be able to shelve for awhile. But in either case, it's not something he can dwell on right now.]

Have you seen Noah? Did he go back?

[He's not sure what that would mean. He's not sure exactly what happened to Noah at home, except corruption, something bad. Adam was corrupted as well, after all, and he can still barely stand to think about it.]

[ Gansey wishes he could make sense of all of this. His mind feels scrambled. He’s just fit several months of memories from Hadriel into a space in his mind that he didn’t even know existed, and he realizes he isn’t even sure how long they were gone. It couldn’t have been that long, could it? Worry prickles through him. He shakes his head. ]

Not since the car, after Aurora…

Jesus, we have to find him.

[ Noah had been so different at home. So faded. Gansey had once genuinely believed that it would be possible for magic – for Glendower – to save Noah. But even if there had been Glendower, and even if there had been a favour, he doesn’t think saving Noah could ever have been done. He was too far gone, a shell of the boy who lives with them here. ]

He’d come back here, wouldn’t he? Like we did.

I hope so.

[But he can't be sure, can he? Just because they came back, that doesn't mean Noah did. What's the alternative, though? That Noah was left at home, that he's stuck in that horrible moment that Adam came from? That the demon is still tearing him apart somewhere?

Adam pushes the thought away. He has to.]

We'll look for him. Or call him, maybe - see where he is.

[That's the best case scenario, though of course Adam is also thinking of worse outcomes. But Gansey is here, and Gansey is alive, and he still can't quite ignore the perfect impossibility of it all. If nothing else, he doesn't want to let Gansey out of his sight yet. Not after seeing his unmoving body on the ground.]

He might come back here, like we did. It might be better if we don't go out there yet.

[ Gansey is likewise not keen to go away. He wants to be exactly where Adam is, and exactly where Ronan and Blue are likely to be. This isn't Monmouth or the Barns, or Adam's apartment, or 300 Fox Way. But it's the closest thing they have, and right now, that is enough. ]

Call him. Try calling. If he's still here, he'll come back.

[ And if he's not...

Christ, if he's not. The last time Gansey had seen Noah, he'd been so faded, barely an expression of himself anymore. And he'd been so much in danger from the demon. Gansey's hope is that stopping the demon will have freed Noah as much as it freed Adam and Ronan -

But then what is left, for Noah? He's been fading for so long. Even in this place, Noah had been telling Gansey that he would have to let him go. He had fought that at first, and then he'd tried his best to accept it. Now, he thinks, he has accepted it in a way he'd not been able to do the last time he was here. That had been before he saw how decayed Noah's spirit was.

Now, he knows. And his heart aches with the thought of it. ]

Christ, Adam, what if he was left here without us? That would be awful. Surely if we all went, he'd have had to go too.

[None of them were in a good state - Ronan nearly unmade, Adam possessed, Gansey dead - but he doesn't know what happened to Noah, in the end. None of them do. He wasn't there on that stretch of road with them, he was elsewhere, slowly coming to pieces.

But Adam thinks that he must be there in Hadriel, somewhere. If he and Ronan and Gansey are, and Blue most likely is, then Noah must be as well. They'll just have to find him, and staying here is the safest bet. The city is large, searching it would take forever, and he's bound to come home eventually.]

I don't know. You left once, and we stayed here - I don't know if that would happen again.

[In some ways, though, Adam wonders if that might not be better. For Noah in particular, though maybe not the rest of them. Ronan was saved, and will recover. Adam got control of himself again. Gansey is alive, even if Adam doesn't remember how. But Noah? Is there a way to come back from what happened to him? He's not a person, he's a ghost.

Adam shakes his head.]

He'll turn up. Let's just stay here for now.

[ It could have happened again. Gansey isn't even sure where Noah is at home. He hadn't come with the others when they left The Barns, and Gansey personally thinks that can't be a good thing. He's been around so little in general these last few days, as though every passing week had brought him closer to fading.

That's probably true, in all fairness.

Gansey feels a little shudder go through him. He can't bear the thought of fading. He's just died himself, for the second time, and selfishly, he doesn't want to think about death.

He nods. If Noah's still here, he'll come home. If he could, he would always come back to them. Gansey knows that's true. ]

Right. Yes, we should...I'm going to see if there's something to drink.

[ He doesn't care if it's alcoholic or not. His throat is absolutely dry, which he thinks might hark back to when he was crying about Glendower --

Glendower. An issue he'd had to forget about after Adam attacked Ronan. The weight of it resettles heavily on his shoulders. ]

I can't even remember what we'd scavenged. Do you want anything?

[It's strange to think about. Everything seems the same here - they were gone for only days, probably not even a week. There's no dust, no mess, and Adam has little doubt that the food in the kitchen is all fine, too. But it feels distant, like a memory from long ago, even as it's all slowly coming back to him.

They went through a lot, here, and before that. And even more back at home. Adam doesn't really know how to feel.]

Just water, I think.

[He'll have to get used to it again. Things here, how the gods toy with them. The ways he found to fill his time - the clinic, scavenging, exploring the city. Meeting people here. He was buried underground once. He got shot once. It almost seems unreal. Home seems more real than anything here, at least right now.

Which brings his thoughts back to something he's been avoiding, because the pain is still fresh, the confusion is still raw.]

Gansey, how did you come back?

[ Gansey is nodding, and taking instinctive steps towards the kitchen. He remembers where everything is, finds the glasses without any problem. He fills both with water, after some low key cursing that's a result of forgetting how the taps turn on. Not everything is instinctive. He manages it at length, though, and turns to hold a glass out to Adam. The thing is, it helps to be doing something. It helps to keep his hands busy. This is the reason why an insomniac Gansey builds models, or goes driving or swimming. He doesn't like to be left alone with his thoughts, and his default reaction to trauma is to bury it. He's trying to do it now, trying to just keep on going with life even while the reality of death knocks on the back of his mind.

Something about his expression fractures at Adam's question, while he's called back to reality. He takes a breath. He's not even sure how to explain. ]

It was Cabeswater. I could feel it, I could feel it...remaking me, rebuilding me. I think you were part of it, or...or you helped it, all of you. You and Ronan and Blue. It...sacrificed what it had left, to do it. It sacrificed itself to bring me back.

I was supposed to die for it, not the other way around. But in the end, you did save me. Just like you said you would.

[He takes the glass, but just holds it for a moment. It's a relief, an incredible one, to know that Gansey came back. That they brought him back, somehow. Adam's been so focused on that for so long that he can't quite believe it happened, but he can't be anything but relieved. Not really.

At the same time, though, he feels a stab of grief at the thought of losing Cabeswater. It's worth it, for Gansey's life. That's not in question. But Adam can't put into words what Cabeswater has been to him. Power, yes, but comfort too, and a strange sort of love when he wasn't sure he could feel that at all.

He would sacrifice Cabeswater a thousand times over for Gansey. But it's still a loss.

Cabeswater is with him now. When he goes home, it'll be gone. He'll be normal, maybe.

But Gansey will be alive.]

You were a hero, Gansey. You died for it, and for Ronan, and for all of us. Whatever Cabeswater did - I'm glad. If I could use its power to save you, that's really all I wanted.

[It's uncomfortable, feeling so raw and honest, but he saw Gansey die only a few hours ago. It's impossible to be anything but raw and honest.]

[ Gansey knows it's a loss. It's the very loss they had all been trying to prevent, that he had been trying to prevent. He had wanted to stop the demon before it could destroy the forest. Before it could destroy Ronan and all that he'd made.

He'd been successful in part, but not in the whole. He can feel the remnant of the forest inside him, giving understanding where before there had been questions. He can feel time slipping - like it always has, like it always will, because Cabeswater has always been a part of his timeline, in a way. It's just been made real now. ]

You were its hands and eyes. You sacrificed yourself to it. You knew its power.

[ Adam had known it. He'd known the forest, and because of that, Gansey knows this means a loss for him. It means the shattering of one bond to preserve another. Even if that had been - or would be, Adam's choice, it's not an easy one. ]

I'm sorry. This isn't how I wanted it. I still...can't really believe that I'm talking to you, after it all. I was ready to die.

[ He'd been ready to accept death. He hadn't wanted to, but he'd been willing to. It's jarring, after coming to that place, that he's now moved outside of it. He makes himself breathe. ]

I can't even tell you how long I've been afraid of that. I can't believe it's over, but...Adam, I'm so sorry for Cabeswater. If I could have saved it, you know that I would.

[He shakes his head. It's painful to think about, yes, and he doesn't know what it will mean for him in the end. Adam has grown to love magic, love doing it, feeling it within him and sensing Cabeswater, leaves curling across his skin. He thinks that if it's gone for good, really gone, he'll miss it terribly. He is thankful, deeply so, that he has it now.

But it's Gansey. It's a loss he would shoulder again and again, for Gansey. Gansey's loss would be too much, to great for all of them, and Cabeswater loves him, too. If that's what happened, it's what was supposed to happen. And it means he found a way. It means they saved him.]

I know you would, but whatever happened - you know Cabeswater chose that too. We couldn't have forced it to do anything. We could only have asked.

[That's how it's always been, at least for Adam. And he knows that he would have asked, given that option, he would have shown Cabeswater everything Gansey means to all of them and asked it for him.

It makes sense. Of course that's what happened, in the end.

He hesitates for a moment. Adam really isn't good at hugs, but he needs to touch Gansey, to feel the solidity and realness of him, to claim some tiny piece of comfort. So he does his best, stepping in close to hug Gansey, trying not to be awkward about it.]

It's okay. It's over. You're alive. It's worth it.

[ They had asked, and Cabeswater had given. Gansey remembers them talking about the forest, agreeing that they felt responsibility to it, and setting out to save it. Instead of that, it had saved Gansey. The Demon had eaten so much of it away, but it had given from what it had left.

There’s a lot of grief that comes with that. But Cabeswater is a part of Gansey now. In a way, it always was; he just hadn’t known it, hadn’t had access to that knowledge. In a way, it’s a part of all of them; Ronan had given it shape, Adam had given it agency. Both Gansey and Blue had been grown from it, in their different ways. No wonder it had meant so much, to all of them. Somewhere, its consciousness still exists, waiting to live again. It’s part of them, but bigger than all of them. ]

It’s never really gone. I can still feel it, Adam.

[ He means that to be a comfort, but he doesn’t know if it is. He sinks into his friend’s arms all the same, and lets himself be reassured by the solidity, by the warmth. After a moment his chin leans against Adam’s shoulder. ]

I think I can stop running now. It’s okay. [ Pulling back, he gives Adam a little smile. ] You were right. You saved me after all.

It wasn't me. It was all of us.

[But he smiles anyway. With relief, with a little sadness but mostly hope for the future. Gansey is alive. They saved him, and he'll keep living, and Adam knows none of them are going to let anything like that happen again. Not of they have anything to say about it.

He lets Gansey go and stands up straight, and it feels like he's relaxing for the first time in days. It hasn't been that long - it was still only hours ago that everything happened - but it seems like a lifetime. Longer. Ronan being unmade, Gansey dying, they were the worst moments of Adam's life. And he has a lot to choose from.]

Just make sure not to do anything like that again, all right? Somehow I doubt that trick will work twice.

[Of course, things are different here, but the sentiment still stands. Gansey is expressly forbidden from dying, on pain of making Adam very disappointed in him.]

[ At that, Gansey manages to smile. ]

No. No, I think we've had quite enough sacrifices for one year. I want to live.

I want to move on from this.

[ When he says 'this', he doesn't just mean dying. He doesn't just mean the sacrifice, or Cabeswater, or any of that. He means the quest as a whole. He means Glendower. It hadn't ended the way he wanted it to, and everything that happened afterwards was an overly dramatic mess.

But now it's done. He had been wrong; there is life for him after Glendower, and he intends to make the most of it. ]

Granted it's difficult to do that while we're here, but. This is a new beginning. I want it to be. This isn't something I want to waste.

[Gansey might never know what a relief it is for Adam to hear I want to live. It isn't that he thought Gansey wanted to die, not after everything they've been through, but knowing that he will actively reach for life, that he'll fight to live, reassures him deeply. His smile is a little more genuine, then.]

We'll get home again eventually, and until then we can just try to make lives here as best we can. It's not so bad. We're all together.

[Of course, Adam knows it can get bad. He remembers everything that happened last time, and some of it was truly awful. But he also remembers that when they were home he didn't remember any of that. Mostly that is a relief, if a bit alarming, and of course there's some sadness around knowing he'll forget what friends he makes here. But it doesn't seem like something that can be changed, and in the end it means that they'll survive, one way or another.]

We've all got a chance at a new beginning, you most of all. I know it won't be wasted.

[ If Gansey could have chosen, he would not have started his new beginning here in this place. There’s been so much danger around all of them for so long. He had been dreaming of a normal life, for maybe the first time ever; a life where he wasn’t on a quest, where he wasn’t seeking, where he might be able to travel with Henry and Blue, and go to toga parties, and do things that normal kids his age got to do.

Instead he’s here. But Adam is right. It’s a lot better than it could have been. ]

We’ll find a way out of here. We have to, we know that it’s possible. We just need to make sure that it sticks. After everything, Adam, I’m not going to spend my life here. None of us are.

[ It’s not about needing to go back and finish something. It’s about having a life to live, and getting back to it. ]

We are going home.

[He believes in Gansey, as he always has, and he believes in their combined ability to do what needs to be done. How can he not, after everything? Gansey is here and alive, Ronan is safe and in one piece. None of them came away unhurt, none of them escaped losing something, but that's life. They have their futures ahead of them, here or at home.

They'll get back eventually and move on from there. Put themselves back together. Find their own paths.]

Yeah, we are. We're not gonna be stuck here forever.

[He looks around, still getting used to being back in these surroundings, still finding his feet.]

You think everything is where we left it?

[ Gansey nods, affirming that in himself. This won’t be forever. This will be as long as this lasts, but they didn’t go through what they’d just gone through to end up trapped in another cave. Gansey has a life to live, and he intends on living it.

Resolving himself to that, he looks around. The place looks exactly the same. Potentially more messy than they’d left it, although that kind of thing can be hard to tell in a house full of boys. ]

More or less. I’ll have to find my journal again.

[ It should be here; he doesn’t think he had his messenger bag on him when he left. ]

We need to get our heads around this again. Maybe go and scavenge. I can’t actually believe we’re back to that reality.

[Adam's not really the sort to have a lot of stuff, but there's a few things he'd like to find now that they've arrived here again - most notably the backpack he used to carry with him, packed with first aid supplies and energy bars, just in case. He'll just feel better if he's prepared for whatever might come.

But maybe that's just a way to get settled, really. To get used to being here again. He'd fallen into a rhythm while they were here - help out at the clinic, find things in the shops, keep the house slightly less than a complete disaster area. Check on Gansey and Ronan and Noah. Keep an eye out for danger. He'll have to remember that, go back to it. He supposes it won't be that hard, but after being at home it seems so... strange.]

Yeah. It looks like everything's the same, but it's going to take some adjustment, I guess.

[Although - selfishly, and a little oddly - Adam is relieved that he won't have to wake up tomorrow and go to class, then Boyd's, then the warehouse. That was the one good thing about being in Hadriel. He found things to fill his time with, because he didn't know how else to live, but it wasn't so constant. He could sleep in if he wanted, spend the day at the park, not worry about stretching his paycheck to cover groceries.

He can't say any of that. He doesn't want it to sound like he's grateful to be back, and he doesn't want to remind Gansey of the differences in their lives.]

Maybe we should take a walk.

[ Gansey nods. Yes, they should probably do that. They need to re-orient themselves, because this place is never exactly easy for anyone. He needs to get his head away from everything that's happened the last few days - away from everything that happened last night - and focus himself again.

He doesn't really want to. There's a part of him that wants to sit on the sofa as just dwell on it all, until it becomes a part of his psyche that he can understand.

That wouldn't be helpful. He runs his hand through his hair. ]

Yes. We probably should, that would be...

We should do that. I'll find that journal. ]

And get changed, maybe. He's still wearing Henry's sweater. ]

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unknowable - 2016-08-26 05:49 (UTC) - Expand