hadriel_logs | Event Log: Dreamwalker the Second

Entry tags:

Event Log: Dreamwalker the Second

Who: All characters participating in the event
What: The event log for the Dreamwalker part 2 event
Where: In your dreams
When: October 14th-20th (the second log will go up on Oct 23rd, please keep the two weeks of the event separate!)
Warnings: All different kinds of dreams falling under the umbrella of Delight, Rage, Sorrow, and Hope.

This time, the weird stuff doesn't happen when you're awake- as a matter of fact, your waking hours are the normal ones. That's because you're forced to sleep by some unknown entity, getting more and more exhausted by the moment as night falls. Better make sure you're always around a soft pillow.

Once asleep, it doesn't get any less weird- your dreams will be influenced by one of the four gods that make up the first week. Something to make you smile, something to make you angry- or something that reminds you of your deepest regret or most vulnerable hope, they're all things that you're dreaming about now for some reason, no matter how hard you may try to pull away from them.

To make matters more complicated, there are others intruding on your dreams who definitely don't belong there, and while they may seem like manifestations at first, it becomes clear that these others are actually the consciousness of other members of Hadriel, getting some top quality exposure to your angriest, happiest, most sorrowful moments. Hope it doesn't get awkward when you see them tomorrow...

► This log covers October 14th-20th.
► Feel free to make your own logs as well
► Please tag headers of threads with content warnings where they apply
► Please put your character's name and open/closed in the subject line of your starters!
► If you die in dreams you don't die in real life, but if you somehow die in real life anyway, please let us know here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Harlan is here and that feels... wrong. Off. She can't pinpoint it beyond vague instinct, but her heart leaps to hear his voice anyway. Then his hands close over hers, and for a second, she freezes, simultaneously wanting to link her fingers with his and afraid she'll move too quickly and scare him off. She's breathing too shakily, throat tight with emotion, and when he tells her it isn't her fault, her vision blurs. It's not for her father—she knows it isn't her fault, and she know he did this to himself, but Harlan is one of the very few people who can make this feel anything close to okay. She hesitates, and then lets him pull her away, leaning back. For the briefest second, she squeezes his hand.]

I can't just leave him.

[But she doesn't move, either.]

Edited 2017-10-17 05:29 (UTC)

Yeah, you can. He left you.

[He should just say that outright, but it's true and he's finding it difficult to maintain a filter in here. It's like she'll hear it whether or not he says it, so he may as well lean in.

She squeezes his hand. Nothing happens, so he squeezes back. Huh.]

There's nothing you could've done, anyway.

[He doesn't pull away, and it's all the excuse she needs to cling, her fingers threading through his.]

Sorry, I-I shouldn't...

[Shouldn't be taking advantage that way, but she can't focus enough to say it. Her breathing is shuddery now, as though she's trying very hard not to start sobbing.]

I hate this. Who the hell does this to their kid?

[Holding her hand is uncomfortable because of the blood. It'll make his skin itchy if it dries there.]

A fuck-up of a parent. [Harlan glances down at their hands, and then at her father, still bleeding though there isn't much life left in him. He shouldn't have left Kyna alone. Harlan shouldn't have, either.]

You don't have anything to apologize for.

[Then again, wait, what did she mean? Why is she sorry? He's not sure if he should ask, but he does anyway.]

You shouldn't what?

[Her father is still sucking in choking, gurgling breaths, although they're getting quieter and quieter, and Kyna squeezes her eyes shut. Harlan is a centering force as he always is, so she manages to answer his question.]

I shouldn't be... pushing this. Holding your hand.

[Ah. Right. He's vaguely aware that her fingers twined through his should bother him more than it does. No, wait, "should" isn't the right word. It shouldn't bother him. It doesn't bother normal people. He doesn't want it to bother him, but it always does. Except now. He's busy. Kyna's dad has fucked her over and she's still a kid, basically. Close enough. She's not much older than he was when his mom got out of prison and managed to track him down despite his best efforts to ditch his old life. He didn't know what the fuck to do then. He wishes he'd had someone there to clean up the blood. He wishes he would've stuck around to help Kyna deal with her dad so she wouldn't have had to watch him die. She shouldn't have seen this.

He eases his hands out of hers but just so he can wrap both arms around her and pull her into him.]

[She goes rigid out of sheer shock, hands hovering awkwardly at his sides. He's hugging her, and as much as she promised to help him get over his issues with being touched, this is a line she'd never cross. For a second, she feels like she can't breathe, like something is squeezing her chest and her throat. Her emotions are so tangled up she can't even pinpoint them, and oddly all she can think is that maybe that's okay, as long as Harlan's here with her. He'd probably tell her to just let herself feel it, wouldn't he?

Kyna wraps her arms around him, hesitantly at first, and then then more tightly when she realizes he's okay, clinging and burying her face in his shoulder. It's too much, and this time, she can't choke back a sob. She's so glad he's here, but she's not sure if she should be doing this, either. She screwed up so badly with his secrets that she's not sure she deserves this from him anymore.]

[It's been a long time since he's hugged anyone, especially willingly. There was Panna, sort of, but that wasn't really a hug and it feels like another lifetime by now anyway. He's not sure what he expected to feel, but strangely, he doesn't feel much of anything. Kyna has him in a vice grip and she's sobbing into his shoulder. He rests his chin against her hair, cradles her head with his hand to let her know there's no timer. He's not sure how much of his body is in contact with hers but it's far more than he'd ever be comfortable with, than he could ever imagine himself being comfortable with, but he's not scared.

He's not scared, but he's not much else, either. She's warm and thrumming in the way that alive things have a sort of buzz about them but none of that really registers. He may as well be hugging a chair.

So, is that it? Without the intensity of his fear, there's just... Nothing? He shifts, tightening his grip on her to ground himself. She needs him here. He shouldn't be thinking about this right now, but he can't help it. Even when there's nothing to be afraid of, he finds something. This should feel better than it does. Why doesn't he feel anything? He can't tell what's normal, but he knows this isn't the time to ask.

He decides to just let her cry. He's never been able to do that before.]

[There might not be a timer in his mind, but there certainly is in hers. As far as she's concerned, she's far past the limit, far past what she should be allowing herself to do, and even as he cradles her head, she tells herself she's an asshole for letting it happen. She doesn't know how to talk to him right now, but she know he prefers that she try, so she does.]

I'm sorry.

[Her voice is shaky and quiet, but as soon as she forces the words out, it feels easier to say the rest, even if it comes out all in a panicky, breathless rush.]

I'm sorry I screwed up so bad. I'm sorry I screwed up the one time you needed me not to. I'm sorry I made that whole stupid thing worse and... and I'm sorry I'm using you as a fucking... A fucking crutch again.

[He... wasn't expecting this. This doesn't seem like the right time to be talking about these things. He doesn't know what to say. Does this change anything? It's too early to say, and everything feels so detached right now. He's not really in Kyna's kitchen, is he? What's going on?

He can't focus on that question for too long, though. It slips out from under him the second he starts to wonder. He has more important issues to worry about right now, anyway.

This doesn't change what happened, but it helps. It feels real, even if nothing else about this place does. The apologies are nice, of course, but he cares more about the honesty. This is Kyna. There's no bullshit filter or skirting the point or awkward rehashing. She's just talking to him. That's what he's wanted.]

I know. I know. [And yet this is so frustrating. He wishes he could tell her it's all alright, that he could forget about it. He's tried, but it's stuck. He can't let it go even though he's sick of holding her at arm's length. Christ, why'd she have to go and fuck up in the first place? The damage its done might be permanent, and that scares him.

But they're talking. Actually talking. That's worth something.]

The only times I get pissed off about you leaning on me are the times when you could do it yourself, but you don't try. You think you need me, but you don't. Sometimes it's the other way around.

[His throat tightens, so he buries his nose in her hair. She smells nice. He's never noticed before.]

This isn't that. Needing support isn't a problem. I'm not leaving you to deal with this shit by yourself.

[This is so hard. It feels almost impossible. There's a huge part of her that wants to just shut down again, because everything she needs him to know is too hard to say, but she knows that's worse. And after how badly she let him down, he deserves honesty, even though she's gone tense with anxiety and her grip on him is far too tight.

She's quiet for a moment, trying to gather herself. Working up the courage is the worst part, because she's running through all the ways this could go wrong, all the ways she could upset him again. She tries to focus on how tightly he's holding her, instead. That's new. He's not leaving her here, even though she was irrationally afraid he would. It would probably seem horrible to anyone else—focusing on this when her father is dead or dying—but he left her, and Harlan never has.]

I do need you. You and Tucker.

[That's terrifying to say. She thinks he knows, but she's not sure she's ever said it so bluntly before. Kyna stops again, struggling for a second, then forces herself forward.]

I don't know how to make it up to you, and I'm... I'm afraid we're not even really friends anymore. But I was such an asshole to you, and you're still here helping me.

[Harlan has long since forgotten about Kyna's father. He's just a memory, anyway. It's not important. This is. Kyna is.

He's always assumed that he was important to Kyna, too. With all the time they spend together, all the time she chooses to spend with him, he has to be worth something. He can't remember her ever saying it outright, though. The implication was enough, he'd figured. Hearing it shouldn't be more important than knowing, and he does know, but his stomach does a flip at her words anyway. Maybe it's more news to him than he thought.]

Hey, stop it. Of course we're still friends. [He pulls one arm away briefly so he can wipe his eyes on his sleeve. He's not embarrassed, but he'd like to not cry into her hair.] I need you, too. Don't go thinking this is a one-sided friendship, because it's not. I love you, K. I'm sorry that hasn't been obvious lately.

[She could swear her heart stops, her grip on the back of his shirt tightening. He loves her. She's always known he cared, but this is different. It makes her chest ache, relief and affection tangling up until she can't tell which is stronger. Impulsively, she pulls back enough to kiss his cheek. It's a hell of a big thing to say, and she's not sure that she can say it back. He has to know how she feels, right? Then again, maybe saying it is different. Maybe that's more important, and almost every fight they've had has started or been made worse by the fact that she can't just spit things out, right?

It takes a long moment as she wrestles with herself, biting her lip. She's still scared, but he's already kind of proven there isn't much to be scared of, hasn't he? So, finally, voice quiet and shaky, not quite looking at him, she responds.]

I love you, too.

[Harlan doesn't quite realize the gravity of the words until Kyna's voice comes out soft and trembling. He meant it, of course, but he hadn't considered that this might be difficult for Kyna. He's always had a hard time figuring out what would bother her and what wouldn't. It's probably not all that different to how he doesn't like to be touched, but it's easier, he thinks, to figure out what's okay for him. The difference between contact and no contact is easy. He's not sure where her line is.

Maybe that's part of why he loses his patience sometimes. He doesn't understand what the difference between hard and not hard is. While they're laying everything out on the table, he may as well ask.]

Are you nervous?

[Of course she's nervous. It's terrifying, and the only reason she thinks she managed to say it is because he said it first. She nods, letting out a frustrated breath. He can say it so easily, and here she is, freaking out about it.]

That's so fucking stupid, right?

No, it's not.

[He means it. It's not like he's any stranger to being afraid of shit that doesn't make sense. The difference between contact and no contact is easy, but it doesn't make sense. Being nervous about telling someone you love them is understandable. He was nervous when he told Panna, though he wasn't with Kyna. He's not sure what that means.]

Why are you nervous?

[Of course he asks, and of course she doesn't know how exactly she should answer.]

Because. Jesus, I don't know. What if you didn't say it back? Or what if I just fuck up again?

[He's tempted to point out that he said it first, so he point is moot, but... Well. It's an interesting hypothetical.]

What would you do if I didn't say it back? And you can't fuck up if you're honest. It's not like there's a wrong answer when it comes to your feelings, K.

I don't know.

[And it's not deflecting this time. She really doesn't.]

That's why I never say it.

[It's a fair answer, kind of. It's honest, at least.]

That's a bad excuse. [He says it gently.] Part of loving someone is being willing to take risks like that. No one would get anything done if we all sat around waiting for safe opportunities, or for someone else to make the first move.

Yeah, I know.

[And maybe it's extra ridiculous that she's so scared of this when she's generally one of the first people on their team to charge into dangerous situations. But it's different, somehow. The consequences seem heavier.]

I guess I just... Expect it to go badly. Except with Nico, but he doesn't count.

[At first, he's frustrated. This is how the bulk of their conversations go when he's trying to talk her through something. She hits a wall somewhere along the way and he has to trial and error until he finds an alternate route.

But, well. In the interest of being honest with each other...]

It doesn't matter what you expect or what you're worried might happen. What matters is what you want, and worrying about that other shit shouldn't stop you. If you love someone and you want them to know, you tell them. It's not fair to saddle them with the risk, not all the time.

[She's never really thought about it that way, but he's right. It isn't really fair, is it? She just sort of assumes this kind of thing is easy for everyone, but maybe it isn't. Maybe she's just offloading her fear onto someone else. After a moment, she nods, staring down at the floor.]

Okay. But how do I even know they want to hear it?

[She's thinking about Tucker specifically now, and it might be obvious enough for her to pick up on.]

[He cocks an eyebrow. That's a weird question, especially in response to what he's just told her. Tucker's hypothetical reaction is the furthest thing from his mind right now.]

Who wouldn't want to know that someone cares about them?

[He can't imagine a scenario in which--oh, wait, yes he can.]

Just don't tell them expecting them to reciprocate. Tell them because you want them to know.

I'll try.

[And she says that a lot, but she means it genuinely. She hesitates, then rests her head against his shoulder almost experimentally.]

Do you think I should tell Tucker?

Event Log: Dreamwalker the Second

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