Pell (
pellameno) wrote in
hadriel_logs2017-10-19 01:13 pm
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Entry tags:
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Who: Seel and Pell
What: Pell needs a good whack upside the head, hopefully Seel will oblige.
Where: hara house!
When: 10/19, during dreamwalks
Warnings: possible talk of death, torture, sex.
The dreams have Pell on edge.
His sleep has been suffering already -- kind as Jo is to let him stay in her room, she's not Cal, and they don't cuddle. And lately it seems no sooner than he nods off is he in someone else's head. Their dreams. Watching something horrible, more often than not. He remembers the last time this happened, shortly after he'd arrived in Hadriel, and knows it'll run its course, but for the time being... he's tired.
He tries to keep out of the house during the day, not wanting to face the others but not wanting to hide out in Jo's room all the time either. Sometimes he can be found in the living room, studying. Most of the time he's just out. Right now he's in the kitchen, putting away the produce he'd harvested that morning. Moving stiffly and clumsily.
Someone's footsteps approach and he shakes his head to clear the cobwebs a little. Seel. He can sense it, he doesn't have to turn around to know. And he strongly suspects he's in for a lecture.
"Do we have to do this now?" He sounds whiny, and he knows he does, he just doesn't wanna, Seel. Not even a little.
What: Pell needs a good whack upside the head, hopefully Seel will oblige.
Where: hara house!
When: 10/19, during dreamwalks
Warnings: possible talk of death, torture, sex.
The dreams have Pell on edge.
His sleep has been suffering already -- kind as Jo is to let him stay in her room, she's not Cal, and they don't cuddle. And lately it seems no sooner than he nods off is he in someone else's head. Their dreams. Watching something horrible, more often than not. He remembers the last time this happened, shortly after he'd arrived in Hadriel, and knows it'll run its course, but for the time being... he's tired.
He tries to keep out of the house during the day, not wanting to face the others but not wanting to hide out in Jo's room all the time either. Sometimes he can be found in the living room, studying. Most of the time he's just out. Right now he's in the kitchen, putting away the produce he'd harvested that morning. Moving stiffly and clumsily.
Someone's footsteps approach and he shakes his head to clear the cobwebs a little. Seel. He can sense it, he doesn't have to turn around to know. And he strongly suspects he's in for a lecture.
"Do we have to do this now?" He sounds whiny, and he knows he does, he just doesn't wanna, Seel. Not even a little.
no subject
"He showed me everything, you know. What happened. What I doomed him to. How am I supposed to make up for that? How am I supposed to live with it?"
It would be so much easier if he could just blame Thiede for all of it but the guilt is real and heavy on his shoulders and he doesn't know how to shrug it off. He's the one who made the decision they should go home. For the world, for Seel, who was now standing there scolding him for not being able to handle things.
"Why do you care, Seel?"
no subject
"You didn't do anything Pell. It's not your fault. Ag, you always did have the weight of the world on your shoulders didn't you? You don't have to make up for anything. He never stopped trying to find you. It just wasn't the right time. Forces greater than you, etc etc." Seel waved a hand.
It wasn't Pell's fault. It was Seel's. And Thiede. Even without Seel playing apart Thiede would have found a way.
"I care before your a friend. Both of you." He might have felt a little green around the edges as he called Cal a friend. "And right now you're acting like strangers. I don't know the whole story, Pell. But it seems like he never stopped looking for you. Turned the whole damn world upside down. And you? You tried. You did the best you could in a bad situation."
Of course if you asked Seel that situation was of Pell's own making. "Avoiding each other is not the answer."
no subject
"He didn't stop looking. He was angry for awhile, that I didn't find him but he never stopped. And I don't know the other side either. I don't know what I did, why I didn't find him. Why I wasn't there to put an end to the pain. It's just making me think that I'm not really me, again, in that time. Because I would have looked."
It's frightening, the not knowing.
"Maybe we are strangers, after all. I don't know if he even wants this me anymore. If I can be enough to make up for all that."
no subject
"You have limits Pell. You're not a god. You're a figurehead. There's only so much you can do with a million eyes looking your way. And only so much you can do against a force like Thiede. He wanted to keep you two apart. You couldn't do anything against that, just like you couldn't have stopped that bullet."
Seel paced, walking back and forth while he talked to Pell. "Swift and I were strangers when we first met. You and Cal have more of a foundation. He wants you Pell. Any you. You both are just too afraid to do anything about it."
no subject
"I've said some things," he admits, looking ashamed. "I keep talking to him like he's someone else, not my Cal. I can't help it, he's so different."
no subject
It's good that Pell admits it though. He didn't want to have to fish it out of him.
"You realize that's not true, right? He's still Cal. Everyhar changes. Everyhar grows ups. I'm not the same har you met in Saltrock, but I'm still Seel. Don't take these changes out on him, Pellaz. Get to know him again. Be grateful he's well. He hasn't been for a long time. Since before you knew him."
Seel stops himself, realizing he's treating Pell like a harling, but, that's what you got when you started to act like one.
"Besides, when was the last time you two rooned. Break down those barriers. It will help."
no subject
Seel was right, they needed to push past this.
"I'm guessing you've spoken to him, as well, by now?"
no subject
"He's as afraid as you are. Staying away to avoid hurting you, afraid that you don't want him, that he's too different. It might be weird. I'm not sure how I'd react to seeing a younger or older Swift." Although a younger Swift would be awkward as they met when he was barely out of feybraiha. "But it would still be Swift." He shook his head. "I didn't think you were one to give in to fear, Pellaz."
no subject
That doesn't mean he's going to give in, though. And if Cal's suffering too then one of them needs to break through the fear. Pell pulls his hair over his shoulder to fiddle with it, thinking. "Maybe you're right. Aruna could help... it doesn't sound like he's on the best terms with me in his time yet, either. We can rebuild here."
no subject
Seel watched as Pell pulled at his hair and fidgited. He was so young. seel's Pell had learned to mask his signs of weakness. It was weird, refreshing, but weird. He wasn't sure he liked it or not. It was a reminder that this Pell was still so young.
"You can if you try. If you don't try, nothing can change, and you don't want that." Seel chose not to address Pell's 'rebuild here' notion. If nothing else, Cal returning and coming back showed him that things couldn't be change. But Pell was free to think that if he wanted too. If it made him feel better.
For now.