hadriel_logs | [ closed ]

Entry tags:

[ closed ]

Who: Seel and Pell
What: Pell needs a good whack upside the head, hopefully Seel will oblige.
Where: hara house!
When: 10/19, during dreamwalks
Warnings: possible talk of death, torture, sex.

The dreams have Pell on edge.

His sleep has been suffering already -- kind as Jo is to let him stay in her room, she's not Cal, and they don't cuddle. And lately it seems no sooner than he nods off is he in someone else's head. Their dreams. Watching something horrible, more often than not. He remembers the last time this happened, shortly after he'd arrived in Hadriel, and knows it'll run its course, but for the time being... he's tired.

He tries to keep out of the house during the day, not wanting to face the others but not wanting to hide out in Jo's room all the time either. Sometimes he can be found in the living room, studying. Most of the time he's just out. Right now he's in the kitchen, putting away the produce he'd harvested that morning. Moving stiffly and clumsily.

Someone's footsteps approach and he shakes his head to clear the cobwebs a little. Seel. He can sense it, he doesn't have to turn around to know. And he strongly suspects he's in for a lecture.

"Do we have to do this now?" He sounds whiny, and he knows he does, he just doesn't wanna, Seel. Not even a little.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Seel knew you were avoiding others Pell, humans or hara. At the moment, combined with the craptastic conversation he had with Cal, Seel wasn't in the mood for it. For not the first time since Seel had arrived here, he made a silent plea to Thiede, no doubt unheard or just ignored, that he could have his Pell here instead. You know, the non-whiny one. Or at least the one who learned to keep his whining to a minimum. He'd trade in the whining for that harsh stare he learned any day. But somewhere in there is his Tigron. And dammit he's going to reach him.

"Yes. We have to do this now. We should have done this weeks ago. I don't know why this has fallen to me. You are both adults and you are not acting like it." Don't make him use his hostling voice, Pellaz.

"You want to tell me what you're so afraid of?"

What isn't he afraid of? Pell drops his arm from where he was rearranging things in the cupboard, and laughs bitterly. Still doesn't turn to face Seel, but it's not necessary to see his expression to know he's upset.

"He showed me everything, you know. What happened. What I doomed him to. How am I supposed to make up for that? How am I supposed to live with it?"

It would be so much easier if he could just blame Thiede for all of it but the guilt is real and heavy on his shoulders and he doesn't know how to shrug it off. He's the one who made the decision they should go home. For the world, for Seel, who was now standing there scolding him for not being able to handle things.

"Why do you care, Seel?"

Why did he care? Why didn't he care? Two of his friends (could he call Cal a friend? Seel honestly wasn't sure what Cal was, but for simplicity sake he was calling him a friend at the moment) were hurting.

"You didn't do anything Pell. It's not your fault. Ag, you always did have the weight of the world on your shoulders didn't you? You don't have to make up for anything. He never stopped trying to find you. It just wasn't the right time. Forces greater than you, etc etc." Seel waved a hand.

It wasn't Pell's fault. It was Seel's. And Thiede. Even without Seel playing apart Thiede would have found a way.

"I care before your a friend. Both of you." He might have felt a little green around the edges as he called Cal a friend. "And right now you're acting like strangers. I don't know the whole story, Pell. But it seems like he never stopped looking for you. Turned the whole damn world upside down. And you? You tried. You did the best you could in a bad situation."

Of course if you asked Seel that situation was of Pell's own making. "Avoiding each other is not the answer."

Pell turns, then, leaning against the kitchen counter and gripping the edge of it with both hands. Actually facing Seel -- there's despair in his eyes, loss and pain and confusion.

"He didn't stop looking. He was angry for awhile, that I didn't find him but he never stopped. And I don't know the other side either. I don't know what I did, why I didn't find him. Why I wasn't there to put an end to the pain. It's just making me think that I'm not really me, again, in that time. Because I would have looked."

It's frightening, the not knowing.

"Maybe we are strangers, after all. I don't know if he even wants this me anymore. If I can be enough to make up for all that."

It was just like Seel had thought. Pell was worried because Cal had distanced himself from him, that he didn't want that Pell anymore. Cal, you idiot. Looking at Pell, it wasn't hard to see the scared human boy who Cal had just kidnapped away and spirited to Saltrock. Wondering if he'd done the right thing, or if he'd made a horrible, horrible mistake, fighting against forces he couldn't possibly control.

"You have limits Pell. You're not a god. You're a figurehead. There's only so much you can do with a million eyes looking your way. And only so much you can do against a force like Thiede. He wanted to keep you two apart. You couldn't do anything against that, just like you couldn't have stopped that bullet."

Seel paced, walking back and forth while he talked to Pell. "Swift and I were strangers when we first met. You and Cal have more of a foundation. He wants you Pell. Any you. You both are just too afraid to do anything about it."

Edited (spelling i can) 2017-10-19 19:12 (UTC)

"So I should just..." He presses his lips together, thinking. Is it really as simple as just going to him? Acting like everything's normal? As it was?

"I've said some things," he admits, looking ashamed. "I keep talking to him like he's someone else, not my Cal. I can't help it, he's so different."

"So I've heard."

It's good that Pell admits it though. He didn't want to have to fish it out of him.

"You realize that's not true, right? He's still Cal. Everyhar changes. Everyhar grows ups. I'm not the same har you met in Saltrock, but I'm still Seel. Don't take these changes out on him, Pellaz. Get to know him again. Be grateful he's well. He hasn't been for a long time. Since before you knew him."

Seel stops himself, realizing he's treating Pell like a harling, but, that's what you got when you started to act like one.

"Besides, when was the last time you two rooned. Break down those barriers. It will help."

"Not since before he left," Pell admits, wondering if it'd help or not. They're lucky, here, that something about this place means they don't need it for survival, but. He certainly has missed it. Missed Cal. When the other har was right in front of him.

Seel was right, they needed to push past this.

"I'm guessing you've spoken to him, as well, by now?"

"That's right." Good, Pell had figured it out. And Seel for one didn't want to live with the two of them avoiding eachother another day. It was deeply unhealthy, especially given that the gods here made aruna unnecessary for survival. It was helpful when Pell had been alone. But together, it was a hindrance. Aruna was necessary because of the closeness it brought them, on multiple levels. Being able to go without it was dangerous.

"He's as afraid as you are. Staying away to avoid hurting you, afraid that you don't want him, that he's too different. It might be weird. I'm not sure how I'd react to seeing a younger or older Swift." Although a younger Swift would be awkward as they met when he was barely out of feybraiha. "But it would still be Swift." He shook his head. "I didn't think you were one to give in to fear, Pellaz."

"I've never been afraid of anything like this before. I've always had Cal. Whether we had to run or fight, we were together. Him embodying the thing I'm afraid of is new."

That doesn't mean he's going to give in, though. And if Cal's suffering too then one of them needs to break through the fear. Pell pulls his hair over his shoulder to fiddle with it, thinking. "Maybe you're right. Aruna could help... it doesn't sound like he's on the best terms with me in his time yet, either. We can rebuild here."

"Of course I'm right. I've known you for fourty years, Pell, Cal for fifty five. You still have Cal. I think that's the one thing you can always count on. And Cal loves you. Even right now, his avoidance of you is a form of love. The kind of love you two have, it doesn't just go away because someone grows up or changes."

Seel watched as Pell pulled at his hair and fidgited. He was so young. seel's Pell had learned to mask his signs of weakness. It was weird, refreshing, but weird. He wasn't sure he liked it or not. It was a reminder that this Pell was still so young.

"You can if you try. If you don't try, nothing can change, and you don't want that." Seel chose not to address Pell's 'rebuild here' notion. If nothing else, Cal returning and coming back showed him that things couldn't be change. But Pell was free to think that if he wanted too. If it made him feel better.

For now.

Seel's words echo in Pell's head for the rest of the afternoon. He'll just wait, he tells himself, but by the time the light is fading and Cal still hasn't returned to the house he realizes he needs to be more proactive. It's been a long time since he felt this nervous about something. But quietly, he walks down the hall into the room he and Cal used to share. Pulls his phone out of his pocket and calls him, feeling a rush of relief when he sees the other har's name on the directory. He feels that every time, like he expects Cal to be gone again. But he's still here. He's right here and that feeling is exactly why they need to sort this out.

"Cal? Can you come home?"

He always does come home eventually. Even unsure where he stands with the inhabitants any longer and despite the insidious feeling that he isn't exactly wanted, he always comes back. Late, maybe, and avoiding speaking to anyone or anyhar, but he's there to sleep if nothing else. It's exhausting, but if it makes thing easier or Pell, he really can't do much else, can he?

The call is unexpected and he almost doesn't answer--it's too early, yet, for him to return, and clearly somehar is ready to talk. Maybe he should have spent more time preparing himself.

"...a few moments. I'm coming."

"Okay. I'm in our room."

Maybe he shouldn't call it that -- it's more Cal's room now than both of theirs, maybe he shouldn't even be in here without permission. But he's hoping. That this goes well, that maybe he can move back in. Eventually?

He sits on the edge of the bed, looking out the window, and waits nervously.

Their room. That's even more surprising. It hasn't been "their room" for months. Maybe that says something, but he really can't be sure yet, can he? Maybe it's just a slip of the tongue.

He hangs up after that, and comes straight back to the house, stepping into the room a few moments later and hesitating for a moment before closing the door behind himself. They needed privacy for this.

"What do you need?"

"Honestly, I need you." He glances up at Cal, standing in front of the closed door, like he's not sure how close he's allowed to come. "You're just so different now that I haven't been thinking of you as my Cal, but... you are, aren't you? And you're right in front of me. Everything I needed from the person you were is still there, in the person you are."

Pell pushes himself further onto the bed, turning to face Cal directly. "I've seen the differences. I think now I need to feel what's the same."

They should have done this a long time ago and as much as he wanted it to end, now that it was he almost wanted to go back to hiding in case Pell didn't like what he found. That was always the scariest part, the not knowing. They didn't know each other anymore. They couldn't say how the other one would react.

Cautiously, Cal took a step forward, then another, until he found himself sitting on the bed next to him and he couldn't remember getting there. He still didn't touch him. He couldn't even begin to guess any longer how that would be taken. He had to take a deep breath before he spoke, and even then, it wasn't all that impressive.

"Alright."

It was definitely the scariest part, Pell would agree, but he's taken steps into the unknown before. At least he knew with all his heart this time that Cal -- any version of Cal -- didn't mean him harm. The thing he really needed to know, that frightened him the most, was if this older, more mature, seemingly perfect creature before him, still loved him. Still wanted him, for all his flaws and the stupidity of youth. He'd been presented with a polished gem, the way Seel made the Tigron sound, and Pell was just fresh hacked out of the cave. There was a glimmer there but it still needed a lot of work.

Slowly, Pell grips the edges of his sweater and pulls it over his head, hair falling back onto bare shoulders as he tosses the garment to the floor. He takes one of Cal's hands and presses it to his chest, over his heartbeat, so the other har can feel it. Fluttering hummingbird fast.

"Show me. Not a memory, just... you. Can you still love this me?"

"I never stopped, Pell. Even when I thought I had." He sighed, but kept his hand where it was at least, on Pell's chest. Touching. Both of them needed that. Pell might not have asked for a memory, but it was all tied together in intricate little knots that were impossible to undo. There would always be the memories. He couldn't help that.

"At first I believed you were dead--I watched it happen, what else was I supposed to believe? You were finished before you even fell, before I made it to what was left of you. I held you. I screamed. I refused to let go until there was no warmth left. When I couldn't stand the grief anymore, I burned the meat and left. That's what he wanted. He didn't want me to come for you. He must have known I would have. A part of me died there because you are a part of me. Nohar ever seemed to believe that.

"I didn't truly believe you were still alive for years. And then it was too late. I had nothing but time by then to dwell on what it meant. I knew you had your beautiful life in Immanion, your Tigrina, your son. There wasn't a place for me anymore. That was supposed to be our life but there was no dream anymore. I wondered. Did you still love me? Did you ever even think about me anymore or were you trying to forget the poison everyhar thinks is in my skin? There's no place for monsters in that shining city and then I still was one. Did you at least remember me fondly when you did or had I become an obstacle who'd held you back from your greatness? And when days turned to weeks to months to years and you never came...I started to wonder different things.

"He would come and talk to me--that's all he did. The things he said hurt far more than anything physical he could have done. I started to promise him anything I thought he wanted to hear, just so he would go away, let me leave. I would disappear, I would hide, I wouldn't come for you, I'd forget you, I didn't care--and I started to believe them. One day he didn't come. He'd broken me. He'd won. I ran to the most dismal corner of the world I could find and prayed the mud would be enough to hide the wretched thing I was.

"And yet as much as he tried--as much as I tried--I couldn't forget. I forgot so much and you were never one of those things. I found you again because I couldn't be kept away. Because there isn't a place for me in Immanion, it's a place for us. We're the same, Pell, two halves of one soul. We can't exist without each other. And not even God can keep a soul apart. The you I remember infuriates me. He's accustomed to dictating his will, he doesn't listen, and I'm still trying to learn him again. But he's still you and I still love him. And I love you. I always have as I always should have.

"No one enjoys pain. But it's there for a reason. Without it we don't learn anything. I only had a lot of learning to do."

"Cal, I never... this poison within you, that you speak of so often. It's never hurt me. I've never feared it." He curls his fingers against the sides of Cal's hand, keeping him close. "I don't know if I believe in souls, but you're right about one thing. Part of me is missing, without you. It's more than just love, I think, though that was frightening enough on its own. This is something deep and tangled inside. I'm only alive when you're with me."

Cal's gaze on him is heavy and stressful but he continues, idle ramblings.

"Maybe the har you know now changed so much just because he'd lost who he was, without you. And didn't know how to deal with that loss. I know I change, without you. But I like myself so much better when we're together. I'm.... brighter. Sharper and stronger and braver but not just because you're there with me. Because you believe in me. Take all that away and I'm sure he was lost, for a long time. I remember being so, so lost, when I wound up here without you. I'm tired of feeling that way now, when you're right here."

He shifts, then, pushing himself up to his knees to straddle Cal's lap, bringing their faces close. The age is there, and Cal's eyes hold more peace than he ever remembers seeing in them, but.

"Show me, Cal. That we're still ourselves."

Cal almost sobbed seeing Pell get that close. After so long doing his damndest to keep away because that's what he thought he'd wanted... He couldn't even describe how it felt. The words didn't exist. The best he could do was say that it was better. He felt whole again.

He couldn't resist any longer, now that Pell was right there and he threw his arms around him and pressed his lips to Pell's, sharing breath with all the love he had. Some of the ache he'd feeling being apart was bound to sneak through but it was fading fast, now that it was over--now that they were together.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ closed ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject