Pell (
pellameno) wrote in
hadriel_logs2017-10-19 01:13 pm
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Entry tags:
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Who: Seel and Pell
What: Pell needs a good whack upside the head, hopefully Seel will oblige.
Where: hara house!
When: 10/19, during dreamwalks
Warnings: possible talk of death, torture, sex.
The dreams have Pell on edge.
His sleep has been suffering already -- kind as Jo is to let him stay in her room, she's not Cal, and they don't cuddle. And lately it seems no sooner than he nods off is he in someone else's head. Their dreams. Watching something horrible, more often than not. He remembers the last time this happened, shortly after he'd arrived in Hadriel, and knows it'll run its course, but for the time being... he's tired.
He tries to keep out of the house during the day, not wanting to face the others but not wanting to hide out in Jo's room all the time either. Sometimes he can be found in the living room, studying. Most of the time he's just out. Right now he's in the kitchen, putting away the produce he'd harvested that morning. Moving stiffly and clumsily.
Someone's footsteps approach and he shakes his head to clear the cobwebs a little. Seel. He can sense it, he doesn't have to turn around to know. And he strongly suspects he's in for a lecture.
"Do we have to do this now?" He sounds whiny, and he knows he does, he just doesn't wanna, Seel. Not even a little.
What: Pell needs a good whack upside the head, hopefully Seel will oblige.
Where: hara house!
When: 10/19, during dreamwalks
Warnings: possible talk of death, torture, sex.
The dreams have Pell on edge.
His sleep has been suffering already -- kind as Jo is to let him stay in her room, she's not Cal, and they don't cuddle. And lately it seems no sooner than he nods off is he in someone else's head. Their dreams. Watching something horrible, more often than not. He remembers the last time this happened, shortly after he'd arrived in Hadriel, and knows it'll run its course, but for the time being... he's tired.
He tries to keep out of the house during the day, not wanting to face the others but not wanting to hide out in Jo's room all the time either. Sometimes he can be found in the living room, studying. Most of the time he's just out. Right now he's in the kitchen, putting away the produce he'd harvested that morning. Moving stiffly and clumsily.
Someone's footsteps approach and he shakes his head to clear the cobwebs a little. Seel. He can sense it, he doesn't have to turn around to know. And he strongly suspects he's in for a lecture.
"Do we have to do this now?" He sounds whiny, and he knows he does, he just doesn't wanna, Seel. Not even a little.
no subject
He hangs up after that, and comes straight back to the house, stepping into the room a few moments later and hesitating for a moment before closing the door behind himself. They needed privacy for this.
"What do you need?"
no subject
Pell pushes himself further onto the bed, turning to face Cal directly. "I've seen the differences. I think now I need to feel what's the same."
no subject
Cautiously, Cal took a step forward, then another, until he found himself sitting on the bed next to him and he couldn't remember getting there. He still didn't touch him. He couldn't even begin to guess any longer how that would be taken. He had to take a deep breath before he spoke, and even then, it wasn't all that impressive.
"Alright."
no subject
Slowly, Pell grips the edges of his sweater and pulls it over his head, hair falling back onto bare shoulders as he tosses the garment to the floor. He takes one of Cal's hands and presses it to his chest, over his heartbeat, so the other har can feel it. Fluttering hummingbird fast.
"Show me. Not a memory, just... you. Can you still love this me?"
no subject
"At first I believed you were dead--I watched it happen, what else was I supposed to believe? You were finished before you even fell, before I made it to what was left of you. I held you. I screamed. I refused to let go until there was no warmth left. When I couldn't stand the grief anymore, I burned the meat and left. That's what he wanted. He didn't want me to come for you. He must have known I would have. A part of me died there because you are a part of me. Nohar ever seemed to believe that.
"I didn't truly believe you were still alive for years. And then it was too late. I had nothing but time by then to dwell on what it meant. I knew you had your beautiful life in Immanion, your Tigrina, your son. There wasn't a place for me anymore. That was supposed to be our life but there was no dream anymore. I wondered. Did you still love me? Did you ever even think about me anymore or were you trying to forget the poison everyhar thinks is in my skin? There's no place for monsters in that shining city and then I still was one. Did you at least remember me fondly when you did or had I become an obstacle who'd held you back from your greatness? And when days turned to weeks to months to years and you never came...I started to wonder different things.
"He would come and talk to me--that's all he did. The things he said hurt far more than anything physical he could have done. I started to promise him anything I thought he wanted to hear, just so he would go away, let me leave. I would disappear, I would hide, I wouldn't come for you, I'd forget you, I didn't care--and I started to believe them. One day he didn't come. He'd broken me. He'd won. I ran to the most dismal corner of the world I could find and prayed the mud would be enough to hide the wretched thing I was.
"And yet as much as he tried--as much as I tried--I couldn't forget. I forgot so much and you were never one of those things. I found you again because I couldn't be kept away. Because there isn't a place for me in Immanion, it's a place for us. We're the same, Pell, two halves of one soul. We can't exist without each other. And not even God can keep a soul apart. The you I remember infuriates me. He's accustomed to dictating his will, he doesn't listen, and I'm still trying to learn him again. But he's still you and I still love him. And I love you. I always have as I always should have.
"No one enjoys pain. But it's there for a reason. Without it we don't learn anything. I only had a lot of learning to do."
no subject
Cal's gaze on him is heavy and stressful but he continues, idle ramblings.
"Maybe the har you know now changed so much just because he'd lost who he was, without you. And didn't know how to deal with that loss. I know I change, without you. But I like myself so much better when we're together. I'm.... brighter. Sharper and stronger and braver but not just because you're there with me. Because you believe in me. Take all that away and I'm sure he was lost, for a long time. I remember being so, so lost, when I wound up here without you. I'm tired of feeling that way now, when you're right here."
He shifts, then, pushing himself up to his knees to straddle Cal's lap, bringing their faces close. The age is there, and Cal's eyes hold more peace than he ever remembers seeing in them, but.
"Show me, Cal. That we're still ourselves."
no subject
He couldn't resist any longer, now that Pell was right there and he threw his arms around him and pressed his lips to Pell's, sharing breath with all the love he had. Some of the ache he'd feeling being apart was bound to sneak through but it was fading fast, now that it was over--now that they were together.