(open) i will never find a way to heal my soul

[puzzlingly]

Who: Atem and peeps. Open mostly, specially to anyone in the in the clinic.
What: Atem finally comes to after being attacked by Yukari, spends some time at the clinic being a massive grump, then goes home to grump a little more.
Where: Clinic / house 6-1
When: November 3rd- 14th
Warnings: Mentions of stitches and wounds ew, torture and blood. Other possible warnings in comments.


november 3rd | clinic | open to one trafalgar law

「He wakes. He wakes and all his being pushes him to scream, it is not possible for someone to withstand so much pain, so much cold. But he does not utter a sound. His body shivers from the cold, and he frantically looks around trying to get his bearings, trying to locate him, Yukari. He doesn't remember anything, just pain, and so much red, and the need to hurt that man as much as he possibly could, to stop him from going after someone else, then nothing, just nothing. He tries to sit up, failing completely, the ache down his chest forcing him to fall back onto the mattress and finally making him blurt out a pained cry.

It's been so long since he's felt this torment, this body is was not designed to endure so much punishment, it was a temporal vessel for his wandering soul. Why must he go through it all over again? Wasn't he done? Wasn't his time up? Why have they abandoned here...? Was he never good enough to move on, to go back home? -- Why is he here?!

Please end it, anyone, please just, end him.」

november 3rd - 12th | clinic | ota

「He should probably be sleeping instead of forcing himself to stay awake and even more so, forcing his dominant hand to play chess on his phone, or even to reply a few messages. Hell, he can barely hold the stupid phone, but he needs the distraction. Every time he goes to sleep, he sees his face, and then he remembers how stupid he was to give his trust away, again.

Meh, just meh...」

november 13rd - 14th | imported house 6-1 | open to bakura and anyone who asks idk (someone bring food to this child omg)

「Not being able to stay at the clinic any longer, because it is so damn depressing, Atem finally convinces them to let him go home, under the solemn promise that he would not do anything stupid. Like going outside and look for Yukari.

Being drained from the past days, he often finds himself simply sleeping, indulging into tiredness and allowing his vessel to regain its strength (not that he has many options controlling that...). But more than once, he finds himself bored to death and trying to get a hold of his cards, he can't. Having sliced through his fingers, trying to avoid Yukari's blade to go any further into his shoulder has made it impossible for now. It is so frustrating, so painful! 」

Dammit!

「It wouldn't be the first nor the last time during these days that he's absolutely tempted to toss his deck of cards to a close wall due sheer resentment, but he doesn't... Picking them up would be yet another pain in the ass.」

Comments

[hot_mes]

[Yep there it is. Law's eyes go wide, understanding everything in that instant and not sure what to make of it. That ripple of shock is so atypical of him but...]

You saw it...? For real. That was all real. You saw him, just as I saw...the palace, the weird outfit...

[puzzlingly]

Weird outfit--? 「Congratulations, Law, he just makes Atem chuckle at that, too bad it's fleeting and shadowed by pain, his expression quickly changing to a grimacing one.」 Ow... so, you were really there... Yes, I saw it.

「He makes a bit of a thoughtful pause, relaxing, even, his features not as bitter all sudden as he actually welcomes the sudden change of topic — he's been meaning to ask all this time — that, and the painkillers really taking full effect now and the fact that he's not terribly cold anymore. Even if it's for a little while, he'll take what he can.」

Nasty guy that one. What did you do to get on his bad side?

[hot_mes]

[no one knowing means he can keep it to himself, never sharing or explaining. But now that someone knows (several someones in fact), Law has to face it. He can't pretend it never happened.

He eases back to lean against a cabinet, arms folded over his chest as if to protect himself.]

We have a...very long and unpleasant history. He...

[he winces with as much pain as Atem probably feels. But if he saw Doflamingo, that means the other dream was real as well. No sense pretending now.]

...the other man you met. He killed him.

[it doesn't even scratch the surface of everything that entwined him with the Donquixote pirates, but that's all anyone really needs to know right now.]

[puzzlingly]

「Oh no--」

He shot him...

「He says in a both remorse and surprise, remembering a dream always seemed hard, not realizing that what he had seen in that dream inside his soul room had been real too. Until then. Which also means Law saw that. Damn. He will not talk about that, he'd rather focus on Law. Especially since he can see how much it still affects him.」

[hot_mes]

[he shoots Atem a quick look - it is, indeed, hard to remember what all happened in that dream with the rooms - but goes with it]

Cora-san sacrificed himself to save my life. It took me thirteen years to finally be strong enough to even have a shot at taking down the demon who killed him.

What you saw...it happened almost exactly like that, except for the dragon bit. I destroyed his organs with Gamma Knife and then finished with a Counter-shock to the heart. But he managed to survive it. So in the end, I didn't even get what I wanted.

[puzzlingly]

You mean he's still alive?

「After having seen what Law could do, both in the real life and in the dreams, his voice and expression are one of disbelief.」

How?

[hot_mes]

[honestly that's what he'd like to know]

He's just that strong.

[looking away briefly] Someone else had to step in at that point, I had nothing left. He finally finished him, and the Marines arrested him and took him away. It's not the most satisfying end, but at least it's done. He can't manipulate and hurt people any longer.

[puzzlingly]

And yet, you wanted him dead...

「It is not a question.」

[hot_mes]

[of everything Law's hiding or is embarrassed to have anyone see, that bit? No shame at all, no dissembling, no lies.]

Yeah. I did everything I could to make him so. Basically, I missed by millimeters. [and don't think he doesn't kick himself for it, as evidenced by those nightmares]

Are you surprised? That a pirate captain should want someone dead so much so that he'd sacrifice an arm for it.

[puzzlingly]

「Atem shakes his head, slowly, carefully.」

No, I am not. Your judgement has already passed, Trafalgar. Did you forget?

「Look, in his times, dreams were and probably are still kind of prophetic things, messages of the gods, definitely not Hadriel's. He's not going to just ignore the fact that he saw the mirror of Law's soul just because it was a dream.

I wish you had killed him too. Corazon was a nice guy...

[hot_mes]

[goddammit Atem, you had to say that...

Law ducks his head briefly but manages to save his composure]

He was. If not for him, I would have ended up just like Doflamingo. [sigh] Assuming I somehow lived past thirteen, that is.

I haven't forgotten. That place...was that a real place of yours, or some imaginary scene?

[puzzlingly]

「That is one interesting statement, how would he have ended up so twisted? He remember briefly the conversation he had with the dream image of the man, and has to wonder how much has Law gone through.」

It was real. I was king of a nation once. But it was a long time ago.

[hot_mes]

[he can't help but stare a little bit. It doesn't matter how much weird is in his life, things still take him aback sometimes. But then he laughs softly, shaking his head.]

A long-dead young king. I don't think I could have guessed that at any point, had we not seen into each other's dreams.

And...the monsters. That too?

[puzzlingly]

Told you, I have been dead for a long time now. And what are you implying, Trafalgar, that I am not kingly enough?

「And now he's trying to tease, it lacks of all the strength but he's trying. Ra bless painkillers. And he nods.」

It was an everyday job.

「Well, no, not really, but felt like it.」

[hot_mes]

[they're good, aren't they? He knows his medicine.]

Well, without the crown, who's to say? [with a little shrug] Your world is clearly weirder than mine. But...not the worst thing I've ever seen.

What was the thing that came out of me, then? I know what you said, but it still didn't make any sense to me.

[puzzlingly]

We should make a bet, see which one is weirder, I'm betting on yours.

You mean your Ka? It's the mirror of your soul, basically. Very interesting one, yours.

「Hello, is that awkward?」

[hot_mes]

I don't know, monsters inside people is something even a Devil Fruit can't do.

[oh, just a little awkward. Law's eyes narrow, and his hand comes up to cover his heart. When he thinks of souls, his mind goes to the heart, the seat of the will. He's very acquainted]

You were expecting something much worse than a...whatever that winged thing was.

[puzzlingly]

We all have monsters inside us, greed, hate... Some more than others.

What do you want me to tell you? That I thought you were worse than you actually are?

「It's true tho.」

[hot_mes]

Just curious.

[not in the least bit surprised]

Don't be fooled, I probably am a lot worse than I look.

[puzzlingly]

「Law, you, sea dog, watch him smile, it's small and pathetic but he does.」

No, you aren't.

「So much for being so damn hurt about trusting people...」

[hot_mes]

[Dammit Atem, there you go, sneaking your way in past his defenses again. When he looks away again, this time it's clear Law is trying to hide a shy expression]

Do you miss it? Being a ruler. Or is this second life your chance at living it a bit different?

[puzzlingly]

「No worries, it is not that obvious. Maybe because, apparently, he might be used to do that to people to notice.」

I think you are under the wrong impression, Trafalgar. This is not a second chance. This is an accident. I was never returned to life, I was never reborn. This vessel is borrowed, I'm merely occupying it until I'm able to make it to the afterlife. I was never able to. Twice, now... Maybe, it's not meant to be...

「That hurts a little more than it should.」

But, well, to answer you question, I miss it, yes. Even if it was complicated. I wanted to make my father proud, to keep peace in my country, make it great, but it was very tiring too. Too many responsibilities and I often found myself overwhelmed. I guess I was too young.

「Law may not know it, but just revealing those bits of his struggles show how much he trusts him, yet again. He always has to put up that big wall of superiority (not that it is hard) putting others before himself, not allowing himself to be a little selfish.」

I don't know if I would do things differently, maybe I would, maybe I already am, but I think I've learned a lot and I still am, and I would do it all over again if I had to.

[hot_mes]

[Wow, that's...awful, kiddo. Law appropriately sobers, looking him over with a new and different sort of respect. He can put hearts into bodies but nothing like this.]

I'm not going to get into whether or not there is an afterlife, but...that sucks.

[as much as he claims not to care about other people, it does happen, and Law listens with a slow nod, understanding. As much as other people have influenced his life since then, some part of him also wants to do his father proud. Maybe that's why he's still a doctor, and not just a pirate.]

That's what makes me wonder, about those dreams. If it was meant to make us look back, on top of just making us feel things.

[puzzlingly]

It totally does.

「He appreciates the concern, but cannot get stuck on that for too long or he will never come back from it.」

That's a good question. Why don't you go ask them?

[hot_mes]

[smirking! No thanks. Something tells me I don't really want the answer. Especially not from them.

[all things considered he'll take Atem's gods over the present ones or his own, thanks]

I don't remember seeing too many people from here, there. But...if I can ask you not to mention any of my past to anyone else, that would be appreciated. No matter how much of it was just a dream, you still know more than I've ever told anyone, here or elsewhere.